Here are “Real Life” testimonies from people who have dealt with an emotionally distant spouse who have experienced God’s special touch in their circumstances. We believe you will be encouraged and find hope through reading them.
If God has done a special work in your marriage that could encourage others, we want to hear from you— even if it isn’t very long in length. Please share your testimony with us by going to the CONTACT section and clicking on “Contact Us” and then writing it out for us there.
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(South Africa) Pray with me for God to restore my marriage.
(SA) Please pray for total reconciliation and restoration in our marriage and for God to minister to my husband who is out of the plan of God.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi. My husband also recently made wrong decisions without fully trusting God. I felt an uneasiness from the start and prayed about it, trusting God to work in his heart. I assured him of my full support though but with time very subtly made him aware of my concerns. He was able to see for himself, by the grace of God, and could get out without any damage to our marriage. Sometimes it’s best for us to BE STILL AND TRUST GOD! Gale and Melanie, I hope that all is going well with your marriages. God bless.
(ZIMBABWE) Please help me through prayers so that I can restore my marriage. I have been separated from my husband for close to one year four months. I still love my husband and I know divorce is a wrong choice. Still, something tells me he still loves me.
(USA) I have very difficult times in my marriage of 6 years. I, a man, seem to be more emotionally in tune with our marriage condition than my wife. I have been leading the way in trying to help us identify the problems and to hopefully, work on them. One problem I see is that my wife is emotionally distant from me. We will have a few good days and then it is as if I cease to exist to her. When I bring this up to her (always kindly, not angry), she gets angry at me and tells me I make her feel like a failure. Instead of going on the defensive, I ask myself, "why doesn’t see empathize and possibly try to see that I might have a point."
Tonight, she told me I want something from her that she is not able to give. That saddened me to my soul because I feel that she is not interested in me or working on this marriage. She went to bed and is sleeping sound and I am up at 3 am writing this note on a blog on the internet. What a sad position to be in. I never saw this coming.
I will accept that she has lost interest in me. I will work on dealing with it because I don’t want a divorce. But, I have this feeling that she will file for divorce at some time. I no longer trust her emotionally. She once told me that I was not communicating with her. Now that I have taken steps to communicate, I am met with hostility, anger and yelling.
I don’t understand her. I am tired of working so hard and getting slapped in the face. C’est La Vie
(USA) My wife is emotionally distant from me too. I have to walk on eggshells around her, and be careful what I say to her because she will be very mean and hateful to me, and she doesn’t seem to see it. Either she doesn’t see it or she just doesn’t care. She says she loves me, and she says the proof is that she’s still here with me.
But she’s never loving or caring to me. It’s like she doesn’t care about my feelings at all. She jumps down my throat at the drop of a hat. She constantly runs me down. I can never do anything right, and now I guess I’m feeling like she feels.
I love her but I can’t be treated bad like that for much longer. She never compliments me on anything; it’s always negative, She says I’m insecure, but I’m not. I’m just going on what I see coming from her. Oh well, what will be will be.
(SOUTH AFRICA.) I am sorry about your hurt but I am as guilty as your wife. After 11 years of marriage it is just getting worse. I pray that we can be healed.
(USA) Hi Bill, I totally understand what you are going through as this is the same situation with me and my husband currently. I was wondering what happened and if you have any advice on what to do or what not to do?
My husband has told me that he believed in our wedding vows and yet let the lack of communication ruin our relationship, without my knowledge. I came to learn his feelings and his plan to leave all within the past couple days. I am having a very hard time dealing with it and have pleaded with him that we can fix this… he simply tells me that he doesn’t know if he wants to fix it. I told him we could be happy again, all he has to do is give us a chance. His response is the same over and over “I don’t know if that’s what I want.” It’s like he knows we can be happy together but doesn’t know if that’s what he wants?!
Do you have any thoughts? I totally understand if you don’t get back to me on this, but would greatly appreciate any advice or knowledge you have gained from this situation. Many thanks, Emily
(USA) So glad to find this topic on here. I am the quilty party that is emotionally distant. I have caused so much hurt and frustration to my husband and I am afraid of losing him over it. I do not know why I cannot speak to him. He loves to communicate and does it well. I never know how to respond. He feels I have no interest in him but that is just not the case. I adore my husband but don’t know how to show it. I guess I feel vulnerable, that if I show contentedness or open up that I may be rejected.
I have always felt that keeping my mouth shut is best for eveybody. I don’t know how to make chit-chat. I never know how to start a conversation or add input to one. I pray daily about this. If anyone has advice I would love to hear. Thanks so much for listening!!!
(USA) Hi Debbie, I’m so glad that you recognize the need you have to do more to close the gap on the distance you and your husband are experiencing together. Some people will just ignore such a problem until it’s too late.
If I were to guess by the little that you’ve written, I would imagine that there’s something in your past that caused you to feel insecure when you state your mind, and/or it also could be that you’re a quieter person by nature. If either or both are the case, it’s understandable that you don’t communicate as openly as your husband does. I don’t know if you have explained this to him, but it might be good to do so. It might help him to better understand your quietness, and yet your love and admiration for him.
My husband told me a number of years ago that he doesn’t feel “smart” enough to debate me on certain issues. I know for a fact that he IS smart enough, but after he told me that, I tried to help him to see that he’s safe to debate me — that it’s not a matter of who “wins” but just an exchange of ideas.
Also, he told me that he recognizes that sometimes he knows something deep inside but he’s not able to get it to come out as “eloquently” as he thinks I can say it, so he feels intimidated. He feels his brain just won’t help the ideas to come out as quickly or smoothly as he feels they need to. I recognize this problem myself because there are times when I’m debating (or arguing) with someone that I don’t feel as eloquent myself so I have a tendency to clam up a bit myself.
All of this has helped me to recognize the importance of giving him more grace in this area of our relationship. He’s a dear, dear person and why should I judge him or take advantage of him just because we’re wired differently? Every once in a while he or God has to remind me to back off my expectations in this area and I do so. After-all, I want grace from him in different areas of our life together!
As for you Debbie, I recommend that you first, talk to your husband about this (after you pray, asking God to reveal more of the “why’s” that could be behind your quietness). Ask for his grace and patience and assure him of your love and also that you’re going to try to stretch yourself in this area of your lives together as much as you can, so you can intentionally learn how to communicate better and close the wide gap that you recognize in your relationship.
And then make sure you put intentionality into doing what you told him you would do. One thing that’s important to do is to make sure that you look him in the eye when he says something. He needs to know that you’re connecting with him, at least mentally. Your body language is important. And don’t just look at him, but nod your head (acknowledging that you’re hearing him), and work on asking a question or two about it… affirming what you believe he’s saying that is true. If you can think of something to add… it will be like giving him gold… just remember that. Just that much will help A LOT.
You may not be good at making “chit-chat” but one thing I’ve found is that we can all improve, even in little ways, if we put intentionality into it. It’s something I’ve learned through the years — especially with children. I was never very good at chit-chating with children, but I’ve put my all into learning. And I’ve found that now it’s MUCH, MUCH easier and I’m more comfortable in this area of conversation than I was years ago.
You might try to study the art of conversation. We have a lot of discussion questions in our “Communication Tools” section that you can use. I also found a web site through the ministry of “Family Matters” that has Dinner Dialogues you can use. You can find it at Dinnerdialogue.com. Tell your husband that you WANT to better connect with him and ask him if he would be open to scheduling some “22 minute dates” with you to volley back and forth a few questions, or just ask one or two questions a few days or nights a week where you both take intentional time together to expand this part of your relationship where both of you connect more.
It will be a lifetime mission for you, but it’s a worthy one. You may never be comfortable gabbing on and on (nor would that be good anyway), but you can improve at least. Also, ask your husband to share with you when he feels disconnected with you in the future — that you might not always recognize it. Tell him it will never be your intention to allow this to happen, but old habits die hard and you need his help. I believe this will help. I pray it does. May God bless you in this mission!
(UNITED STATES) I am a Christian and my husband is not but you will think after 16years together our marriage should be great. We have hardly no communication. Every time I try to talk to him he thinks I am arguing. I don’t yell or anything. He doesn’t do anything with me. We have four kids and emotionally he doesn’t show them. I am very concerned that this will affect our kids, but I’m praying it doesn’t. He still drinks and that’s the time he wants to talk and hug I don’t want that.
Well, today I told him I wanted a divorce. I really don’t; I would like to work this marriage out. But I am so tired of trying and getting no where. The thing is, I know he loves me but he just can’t show it to me like he use to. I am so hurt in the end side that I pray constantly that God helps me if I’m wrong and helps him if he’s wrong to make our marriage better.
(UNITED STATES) I feel you sister. I am in a similar situation only we’ve been together for 13 years, but married only for 3 and my husband has committed adultery. We have three children and I know it’s affecting my children. I hear it in their words. Like you, my husband thinks I want to argue all the time when I just want to talk it out and try to mend things.
I am willing to stand by my husband but in the past have told him that I wanted a divorce, but did not really mean it. I said it in anger and after reading all these scriptures I realize I am the FOOL. Now, he’s agreed to the divorce and I don’t know what to do because I really love my husband. I made a promise to God the day we took our vows and I intend to keep that promise through thick and thin for better or for worse. Please pray for me and I will do for you as well.
(USA) I can relate to all that you have said. I am almost eight months pregnant with our third child. And my husband became super distant the day we found out I was pregnant. I will be 40 when this new baby comes and my husband will be 51. So it could very well be an age thing for him. He has been very distant to me and angry with me for a long time now. He yells at me and does not apologize. He gets very angry if I have a hormonal moment (which I try to keep in check).
I find myself turning to God to get my behaviors and additudes in check (so I can be a better serving wife). Now in my pregnancy I am face with bed rest and not being able to do a lot around the house or with the kids. And this has brought about a new kind of anger and resentment. My husband prefers me to be quiet (he seems to enjoy me more if I just sit with him and say nothing). If I speak about anything he gets angry and accuses me of picking on him and he constantly reminds me that he is doing everything in the house while I do nothing. I have decided that because my health and ability to walk during this pregnancy is deteriorating that I can only turn to God for my emotional needs. I know that my physical limitations are not my fault (even though I am fearful if I get taken out of work earlier than my maternity leave, he will become more angry and mean, because he did it with our last child).
So I have no place to go but up. I have turned my heart, soul and spirit over to God so that I may get through this situation and still remain a kind submissive wife. I worry for our children because they are getting the brunt of his anger (and if I say anything it only makes it worse for them) so I have to put their well being in God’s hands (he does not hit them or anything he just yells and complains a lot to them). But still, our home is not a fun place to be right now. Thank goodness we have a wonderful church family and great support through our church.
But when I can’t go because of my pregnancy limitations it’s hard because he gets kinda uptight when I want to have my friends over, so most of my church connection is over the phone. And even though sometimes I pray that he would just leave us, I quickly recoil that prayer because I know that even though he is a grumpy unhappy man, he needs us and we need him.
He can be the kindest sweetest person when he is not angry. He goes through these angry seasons often (more often lately) and we just wait for them to blow over and pray that God will bring him and us through it in one piece. I think the hardest thing I face is the lack of love I feel from him. He will rarely touch me or my baby belly, he refuses to have sex with me or any kind of physical contact. That is the hardest thing for me because with my shape changing and always feeling fat, it makes me feel so ugly.
But I am a Godly woman and I don’t need sex to survive and the closeness I am not getting from my husband I am finding in my quiet times with God. I know that if things get worse (and I pray they will not) that God will provide me with the right knowledge and understanding of what I must do. I will not allow for my children to suffer at great lengths with this situation and if it gets worse then I will ask for my husband to remove himself from our home until he can treat us better. Right now with the baby coming and me being on bedrest a lot I don’t have a lot of options. But I do have God and I do have a very big church family so maybe I just need to suck up my pride and actually call on them instead of trying to hide what is really going on with our family.
What I am trying to share with you is that things can and will get bad or worse for you, but no matter what God will be there and in prayer and quiet times he can direct you in the right way to go.
(USA) Bill, your wife and I have a lot in common. Although I can’t speak for her personally I am doing everything you just stated to my husband. I love my husband, but there are a lot of issues that I am facing that he just doesn’t understand and when I’ve tried in the past to tell him those things he gets my meanings wrong, takes them as personal attacks, and this makes me even more upset.
I finally realized that I am struggling with the decisions I made in life. Some involve my husband and some don’t, but divorce is not something I want, although he thinks I am going to leave him.
You didn’t say if you have kids, if she stays home or if she works outside the home, if she has friends, or a good family history. But all of these are issues for me, and as you can see my husband did not enter that list. The only thing that gets me upset with him is when he doesn’t talk to me and when we do talk, he directs all my problems towards him. He doesn’t seem to understand that it’s not about him. However, by him doing this, it results in me becoming upset with him.
I hope something I said here helps.
(USA) Sharo, From my experience I want to tell you that I’ve learned NEVER to say things that I don’t want or mean. I have yet to live down some things I’ve told my husband. And it has left a deep mark in our relationship, and we both are Christians.
Be careful, pray, seek help, and stay; as long as you and your kids are not in danger, which it doesn’t seem like you are.
(JAMAICA) My husband is so distant from me I could scream. We are having issues that he continues to deny. If I have to speak to him he denies me the right. He remains quiet and does not respond which makes me upset.
He has his son who is 14 living with us, the boy is lazy has to be told to do the same thing everyday. I am trying to cope, I feel like like I made the biggest mistake in my life my marrying someone with children.
(USA) I understand where you are coming from. I have a wife and she hasn’t talked to me in 2 months. won’t say a word pay the bills, and have no say so. And yes, I did cheat on her but it’s because she would not have sex with me or let me hold her. I am nice to her and would do anything for her. I don’t get hi or anything. I’m just here. I have a step son who is 21 and spends his money foolishly so I have decided to move. I can not live my life in silence the rest of my life here. So if you think I’m wrong for leaving, let me know please.
(USA) Some of the people here and other boards have had their spouse hold them out of sex and intimacy for 1, 2, 6 and even one guy greater than 10 years.
In my studies I have found that over 50% of the time a spouse is not providing sex or intimacy, even a woman who goes through menopause, that they are getting it from somewhere else.
Did you know that your spouse can HATE you for the acts they do against you? I believe they really are hating themself, but revelling in the acts that they do.
You should have a say so. You should be able to hold your spouse. You should be able to share a time every day where sexual relations can take place, even if you have 10 children and 2 jobs.
(USA) Please pray for me and my husband. I am struggling in our relationship. It is a second marriage for both of us and I don’t want to end up divorced again. We are both Christians. He is emotionally distant and at times, moody, impatient and snippy with me. He finds as many ways as he can to avoid being with me or talking with me – watching television, playing video games or just not being at home. Please pray. I am very lonely and struggling with feelings of sadness. Thank you.
(UK) I know what you’re talking about as I am that ‘man’ in my marriage. The only solution is to get counselling, pray and give him an ultimatum to buck up. If he’s like me only a serious crisis will wake him up, such as the thought of losing you. In addition get the pastors at your church or close friends to pray for your marriage
(USA) I am praying for you. I kind of feel like you. My huband of 5 years told me that he isn’t in love with me anymore. It has only been 2 days. I am so lost. I have talked to 2 spiritual leaders, one of them being my pastor. All I can do at this point is pray. We have a 2 yr old daughter. The mother-father role is awesome. But the wife-husband role needs to catch a flame. Any suggestions?