Dialogue is to marriage as what blood is to the body. When the flow of blood stops, the body dies (Dr. Paul Faulkner).

Too many of us who are married forget how important it is to keep the communication lines open after the wedding. As life gets more hectic and complicated we can find ourselves talking “at” each other rather than making the time to talk “with” each other. We can also fail to make the effort to truly listen to and work at trying to understand each other.

Steve and I (Cindy) see that happening quite frequently to couples today. And truthfully, we find ourselves falling into the same trap sometimes. With all the research and effort we put into marriage education and mentoring, we should know better, but we find we have to constantly watch over our own communication (or lack thereof) within our marriage or we can fall into the same trap.

With that in mind, we want to share with you a few thoughts and let you know of a communication tool that may help you as it has helped us. The first is an e-mail “Marriage Builder” we received from David and Claudia Arp entitled: “Energize Your Marriage.” We hope you find it motivating. They wrote:

Do you want to energize your marriage? Then upgrade your communication skills. Recently we upgraded our computers. We got rid of old files and added new features to make them more efficient. Frankly, it was a little scary, but now we love our more powerful computers. No way would we go back to the old programs.

Is your communication like our old computer programs? It works but it could be better? Then our advice is upgrade it! And you do just that by learning new communication skills and retooling the ones you already know! Upgrading your communication will energize your marriage, but be prepared for some surprises and new insights. You may discover that:

• Energizing communication is more than chatter. We all chit chat daily—from “How was your day?” to “Where’s the remote?” But if that’s all you do, then you probably have a low-energy, low-fun marriage. When you upgrade your communication, you’ll learn how to share your deeper feelings and have heart-to-heart talks that pull you closer together. So start telling your mate what you’re really thinking and feeling.

• Energizing communication is non-confrontational. When we confront each other, we de-energize our relationship. Resist attacking the other or defending yourself. Then it will be safe to talk and you’ll be more willing to share your true feelings with each other. Remember to start your sentences with “I” and let them reflect back on you. Avoid, “Why” questions and “You” statements. They tend to be attacking and zap your energy and your marriage.

• Energizing communication is compassionate communication. By really listening and expressing how you really feel in specific yet positive words it will help you become close companions and best friends.

Upgrading your communication skills can open new opportunities for growth and intimacy. As you’re in the process of learning new skills remember to be honest, yet never unkind. You can be direct, yet positive. Remember, you’re developing healthy skills that will enrich your marriage through all your conversations of life.

So how do you energize your communication with each other? There are so many resources available to help that it’s unbelievable! There’s no way we could list them all. Start by looking at your local Christian bookstore and Christian Publisher’s web sites. Ask your pastor or call a Christian counselor asking for their suggestions.

One great resource is subscribing to Marriage Partnership Magazine which continually comes out with great articles to help in this area of marriage. In the Fall 2002 issue of Marriage Partnership Magazine www.marriagepartnership.com there’s a great article called: “Time for a Marriage Tune-Up.” It has a page filled with questions to ask each other. Some of the questions are for the husband to ask his wife, some are for the wife to ask her husband, and there are questions to ask each other.

While we were in Texas this week and on our trip home, we had a 3 hour lay-over in Dallas. So, we took some time to ask each other these questions. We had a wonderfully tender time talking and listening to each other. Even in a busy airport, we were able to tune everything and everyone else out and truly listen and converse with each other.

Two of the questions that were posed for the husband to ask the wife (which Steve asked me) were: “Do you feel that I’m helping you fulfill your God-given potential? If not how can I improve on that?” I was so blessed by those questions and by Steve’s earnestness in wanting an honest answer from me. I was able to say without hesitation, “absolutely— without a doubt I sense your full support!”

And I couldn’t have always said that of him —nor could he have said that of me if the question were asked several years ago. But God is continually helping each of us (as we let Him) to let go of our own agendas to help each other to live up to our God-given potential.

For me, Steve is so supportive in allowing me to spend the time to write and study, and meet with other women as a “Titus 2″ mentor. We prayerfully made the decision that I’d need to let go of having a regular “job” (and work instead for “paychecks of the heart”) if I were to have the time and energy to reach out to other gals as God is leading. And even though it’s created a bit of a strain on us financially, I have Steve’s unwavering support and blessing in this ministry opportunity. How grateful I am to Steve and how grateful I am to God for how He’s blessing me as He works in and through Steve. I have so much to be thankful for!

I say all of this because I hope it will inspire you to earnestly assess how you can help each other to fulfill your “God-given potential.” We both highly recommend for you to obtain the article “Time for a Marriage Tune-up” and MAKE the time to energize your marriage in this way.

For me (Steve), this “Tune Up” time was good because when it came to Cindy asking me this question: “Am I doing anything that would ever lead you to be tempted to compromise in any area?” I could state emphatically, that the opposite was true. Cindy is so affirming, loving and supportive in so many areas of my life that in fact it helps me “slam the door” on things that tempt me to compromise.

Cindy knows my areas of weakness and where I could be tempted (because I’ve been willing to open up and share them with her), so she prays for me, builds me up, and speaks one of my primary “Love Languages”—Physical Touch.

In our time together I told Cindy that I know that whenever I face the times of greatest temptation to compromise it isn’t ever because of anything she does or doesn’t do—it’s because of the battle that can rage in my mind. My motivation for not compromising is twofold:

1. I don’t ever want to do anything that would hurt Cindy or our relationship
2. I don’t ever want to do anything that would bring discredit or dishonor to my Lord.

So, for me the “Tune Up” time today served as a reminder of how much God has blessed me with a wife who has helped me grow in the Lord through her loving support and encouragement.

We recommend you look into subscribing to Marriage Partnership. We both find the articles to be very practical and helpful. While I (Steve) find it difficult to read through most books in a timely manner, I can always find time to read an article that condenses information in a way that I can grasp it and put into practice. By visiting their Web Site at www.marriagepartnership.com you can get a free trial subscription.

We hope this weeks Marriage Message will prompt you to take another pro-active step forward in your marriage relationship.

God Bless!
Steve and Cindy Wright

 Print This Page (printer-friendly)

 Email This Page