Make a list of the needs and desires you would like to see your husband fulfill. Divide your list into four categories: emotional needs, physical needs, spiritual needs, and mental needs. In some areas you may have an overflow of needs, and in others you may have to struggle to think of one need. But delve into your feelings until you believe your list is complete. Condense the list into the smallest number of vital needs so it doesn’t appear overwhelming.
As you explain the list to your husband, remember to discuss one need at a time until you’ve covered each subject. Your husband may have trouble accepting the importance of some of your needs, so you may have to discuss the difference between men and women where sensitivity is concerned. But be sure to maintain the right attitude while explaining. When you appeal to him for understanding, avoid self-pity, jealousy, and whining. These approaches are repulsive to anyone, especially your husband.
Finally, as you begin to discuss your needs, be sure to use the salt principle when appropriate. Look for creative ways and times to share these needs. For example, you might want to write your husband a letter explaining a few of your deepest longings. Be careful not to accuse or imply failure on his part; just explain how you feel. Let him read it alone if he chooses. Be sure he can read it during a calm, tension-free time of the day.
The Worst Approach
One woman told me she was extremely discouraged about her husband’s lack of interest in her. He had a tremendous drive and interest in his work, his friends, his pastimes, but almost no interest in her or their children. She talked on and on about how much she had tried to get him to change. Nothing seemed to work.
When I discussed it with her husband, I found she had continually confronted him with his failures as a husband. He said she always seemed to choose the wrong time to talk about their problems— “Just when I was trying to unwind.” To top it all off, she came across as a combination of prosecutor, judge, and jury.
Just before he went to bed, just as he got home from work, almost anytime he “let down” around her, she started condemning and reasoning.
I began to see that she had what I call a “contentious spirit,” one that always contends for its own way. She was constantly pushing him into a corner, trying to make him see her point of view.
Even the Bible describes the effects of a contentious woman. She drives out a man like the searing desert sun; she drives a man to the corner of a rooftop; she drips on a man like a steady rain (Proverbs 25:24; 21:19; 27:15).
What perfect analogies. Around the house this woman’s habits were as annoying as a constant dripping-like a leaky faucet. Her contention was like the sun beating down on a wayfarer in the desert. No matter where her husband turned, he couldn’t get away from it. He found no oasis of relief because she continually reminded him of his failures. Finally, her actions forced him to the corner of the rooftop with nowhere else to go.
Want to know what brought him down off the rooftop in a hurry? His wife got rid of her contentious spirit. Consequently, she inspired a tremendous change in her husband. Today she describes him as a much more loving husband who meets her needs in ways she never even dreamed possible.
Explaining your feelings and needs is not the same as voicing complaints. One couple, who constantly bickered, determined to go through a whole week without voicing any criticism. Rather than argue, each time either of them became irritated, they wrote it down.
Each time either was annoyed by the other’s failure, he or she wrote it down. They placed each “complaint” slip in one of two boxes, a “his” and a “hers” box. At the end of the week, they planned to open the boxes. He would read her complaints and she would read his.
Saturday night finally arrived, and he decided to go first. He opened the box and began to read the dozens of little notes, one at a time. His eyes reflected the hurt and disappointment in himself as he read the complaints. “You’ve been promising to fix the screen door for six months, and it’s still not fixed.” “You never put your socks in the dirty clothes.” “I’m getting sick and tired of having to pick up after you everywhere you go.” He was sincerely grieved by all the ways that he had offended his wife.
Then it was her turn. She opened the box and pulled out the first slip of paper. She read it with a lump in her throat. The next note brought tears to her eyes. Picking up three more notes, she read them quickly and began to weep. Every note in the box read, “I love you.” “I love you.” “I love you.”
Like many wives, you have been fooled into thinking that one day your complaints would finally re-mold your husband into the perfect mate. But I hope the example above clearly illustrates that unconditional love and tenderness, not complaints, can transform a cranky opponent into a humble, loving partner.
However, it is important to verbalize your feelings. One wife touched her husband’s heart with the note she wrote him. He actually changed his weekly schedule to include more time with her. The note read:
“Many days I feel like a shining little red apple —one of the top ones in a barrel. Everyday you come by and choose one, but never me. Your hand comes close, sometimes you even lift me up, but always you choose another. I’ve got a little worm growing inside me, and each day I become less attractive. I long for the day that you choose me!”
The above article came from the wonderful ministry of Dr Gary Smalley (from a newsletter we received from his ministry. Gary Smalley is the founder and chairman of the board of the Smalley Relationship Center which is one of the country’s best-known authors and speakers on family relationships. He has published more than 40 books. Gary and his wife, Norma, have built a family of three children and eight grandchildren. You can read other helpful articles provided from this wonderful ministry by clicking on the following: Smalley Relationship Center.
The Smalley Relationship Center also has a ministry called the DNA of Relationships. As well as ministering in many different ways it delivers a free e-mail newsletter to subscribers weekly. You can subscribe by clicking on the following: this newsletter.
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(UNITED STATES) This article really touched me and hit home. Especially the part about the "I love you" notes in the complaint box. I recently tried to sit down with my husband and go over the things that he and I would like the other to improve upon in our marriage. It was my idea, of course, so I went first and boy did I ever lay it out there. I listed nearly a half a dozen areas that I felt he could, and should, work on.
I had a couple things on my mind before I started and I listed them one by one, each time providing examples of how he had gone wrong. By the time I got to number three I was on a roll. I began to think of what he might complain about on his turn and then began essentially mirroring those complaints. I begin to think, I know he’ll complain about me doing "so and so", but he does that, too, and just that quickly I’d tack the offensive behavior onto my list.
My husband just sat there listening intently, even though him not listening to me had been #1 on my list. I probably would have continued to add to the list had I not felt a little shame and pity for him because he looked genuinely hurt by my words. When I was finished I felt so much worse than when I started. Not only did I feel guilty for clearly hurting my husband’s feelings, but I was now anticipating the worst as it was his turn to clue me in to my faults.
There was only silence, and I found myself nearly begging him to begin. I needed him to bash me like I had done him to ease the sting of guilt and shame I felt for saying the things to him that I had. I could see that it had hurt him for me to rattle off all those negative things about him, and with such eloquence and ease. After soaking it all in, he looked up at me and opened his mouth to speak. Finally, I thought, he’s gonna let me have it. "I love you, Baby.", was all he said. "I love you, too.", I said. "Now tell me what I need to change.", and I waited, but nothing could have prepared me for what he said next. "I love you just the way you are. I really can’t think of anything that you need to change, and I’m sorry that I haven’t been the husband that you need me to be."
With that I began to cry, to sob, and my horrible husband with all his many faults held me and consoled me and repeated how much he loved me. I felt horrible. All my shortcomings as a wife and Christian raced through my mind. How could he not see them as clearly as me? How could he comfort me so readily when I had been so cruel? My mind raced with these thoughts.
I looked up at my husband, the sincere concern for me in his eyes made me fall in love with him all over again. I told him how much I loved and appreciated him and how horrible I felt. His expression of love to me instead of him biting back was certainly more effective than any list of complaints. Instead of berating me that day, my husband simply set an example for me of the how I should behave. He turned the other cheek. He accepted accountability for my perception of his failures, despite their lack of substance, yet didn’t demean me in return. Then he comforted me and offered his unconditional love. His kindness shined a gentle light on my own failings.
I realized that day that I had a truly amazing husband, and a lot of ways about myself that needed vast improvement. Since then I have been praying and working hard to be the wife that God intends to me to be, and our marriage has been stronger than ever.
(USA) Hi “Me”, Your testimony of what happened to you and your husband is truly touching. Thank you for sharing it and for being vulnerable to share so many of the details.
Upon reading what you wrote I felt drawn into the love that it demonstrated. I hope you won’t be harder on yourself than you should be (and yet will honestly learn what you need to learn as well). You had some grievances to work through, and that is valid. And you should be able to talk with them over with your husband. But as you learned, we all process things differently. You just need to learn how to express that which you need to say to your husband in ways so that it would be easier for him to take. They might still hurt him, but that’s ok. He’s a big boy. You just want to make sure that you don’t hurt him unnecessarily by the way you approach the matter. And the same goes for him. He needs to be able to tell you what is really bothering him, but do it in ways that doesn’t cause unnecessary pain.
I can see from your comment that you see that now. I’m so glad the end result of what happened between you came out in such a loving way. Your husband has a lot of class and exhibited grace love in action.
Sometimes we will build up grievances and keep stuffing them in until things build up to such a degree that when we go to express them, it’s like a volcano that explodes beyond what we expected. I’ve been there and have done that myself, so I know how that can happen. And when it does, it’s not a pretty picture — nor one that is honoring to either of us.
I’ve learned that when I’ve done that, it defeats the main thing I am trying to accomplish, and that is to resolve the problems that have built up between us. I just add to the problems when I save them, let them grow, and then dump them in such quantity and massiveness.
It absolutely floods my husband’s mind (because he doesn’t handle big doses of relational stuff all at once). He needs it in smaller increments so he’s not overwhelmed. That’s why we’ve learned to keep shorter “accounts” with each other as far as things that are bothering us, and I’ve learned with my husband Steve, not to make our time of conflict resolution too lengthy. It’s better for us to revisit the subject several times rather than one long time because it can slide into problems and my husband can go on over-load and then I react to that.
I’m different than he is in that area of conflict resolution. I would much rather work the whole situation out at once. But I’ve learned that we do better as a marital partners when we compromise and do things over a longer period of time. I still get them resolved, and he isn’t so over-whelmed all at once.
I’ve also found that when I dump a bunch of stuff upon him, my husband gets defensive and misses the point of what I’m trying to say then I get angrier because I feel misunderstood and get defensive as well as try to further my points. And it goes back and forth. Again, all of that just defeats my original purpose — to come CLOSER TOGETHER, rather than farther apart in our relationship.
And when I dump too much relational stuff on him of this and that and become hysterical and historical in all I bring up, we end up fighting instead of really resolving matters as two adults — two partners. It’s like what Max Lucado said about marriage relationships, “Conflict is inevitable; combat is optional.”
My husband Steve and I have learned a lot about each other and about conflict resolution in the almost 37 years that we’ve been married that has truly helped us in our marriage. I’ve told him how I’ve seen so much maturity on his part and how I can see he really knows me so well when we’re conflicting. He gives more grace and understanding and is less defensive. That means a lot to me. He approaches matters more like your husband did, and you’re right, that really throws us off balance and makes us look at the situation with new eyes and less volatility when a marriage partner does that.
I encourage you to keep praying about what happened and ask the Lord to show you how to approach your husband to work through the issues that are bothering you. You need to be able to tell your husband what is bothering you in relationship matters. You then, both need to work on what can be done.
We have a lot of great tools that could help both of you as you go through them together in the “Communication Tools” section. Use what works for you. Recognize that every couple is different. Use, adapt, throw out, re-adapt, and work through the tools that are offered. Become like students in this. It’s SO worth the peace it can bring to your home and relationship.
At first, you may have a few tougher times working things through because you’ve built up a lot of things over time that is bothering you. But be patient with each other. And then when you get through what you have been holding onto, keep shorter accounts in the future and work through your differences sooner rather than letting them accumulate. I pray God blesses you in your effort.
Again, thanks for sharing your testimony. It caused me to embrace the both of you in my heart and prayers. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)
(INDIA) I want to discuss something related me & my husband and I need some suggestions.
(PHILIPPINES) I was so touched by the words used by her husband. Saying I love you is very difficult to say in the middle of crisis, but he still manages to express it. And that makes a wife realize how much understanding she will give to her husband. I know how it feels like when a husband disregards your efforts in moulding your marriage. It is necessary to have trust, patience, understanding, open communication and most specially, praying to God together for guidance. God bless us all
(UGANDA) I thanks 2 much.
(UNITED STATES) I love how your husband handled your conflict. It brought me to tears. It reminded me of how my first husband would have responded. I was just married in March for the second time. I love my husband and if we did the same exercise I could respond to him with just I love you, I love you, I love you.
It is not that he does not have faults. It’s just that when I hear what other married couples complain about it, it just seems trivial. I mean if he does not pick his socks up or leaves spit marks on the mirror, it really does not bother me enough to make an issue over it. I’d like to think that I pick my battles carefully.
Now, on the other hand, he complains about what I do or don’t do right every chance he gets. I disrespected him in some way, I am not intimate often enough and when I am, it is not adequate enough. Whatever he can think of. But I know he loves me. When he is not working I have his undivide attention, be it good or be it bad. I just do not know what to do.
(ZIMBABWE) Hie Rose, We may be apart but I really relate with what you are going through. My husband will point out something I have done (or rather, haven’t done) every other day and I on the other hand, will take every effort to overlook what he has done or said. The worst is when someone like this does not even realise when they are wrong. It is really difficult and needs the grace of God to overcome.