There’s not going to be any easy way out of getting past the affair, and especially helping your spouse to get past the devastation of the affair. But we have a few articles you can read below that could help you.

The following article was written by James Vaughan, who knows first hand how difficult this journey can be because he has been there and has done that after he had an affair. He gives the following practical advice that might help you. Please click onto the web site link below to read:

• Weathering the Tough Times in Rebuilding the Marriage

To help you further, the following article was written by his wife Peggy, which might help you to better know how to help your spouse heal from the damage the affair has caused. Please click onto the web site link to read:

• Figuring Out and Expressing What You Think and Feel

The following question was posed to author Anne Bercht on the subject of rebuilding trust:

Question: “I have all but destroyed my husband’s trust in me as I have lied to him over the last year. I desperately want to regain his trust. Is there anything I can say or propose to him besides saying, “I’m sorry — I won’t do it again.” to make him open to at least giving me a chance to try to rebuild the trust?”

For the answer please click onto the following web site link to read:

• Rebuilding Trust With Your Husband After You’ve Had An Affair

And to read other perspectives on this topic from the Dear Peggy.com web site, please click onto the following web site links to read:

• Steps to Restoring Trust

• How Can You Rebuild Trust After An Affair?

• The “Need to Know”

Here’s a portion of another question that you might be dealing with after you have had an affair:

Question: “I have admitted to an affair. Part of my plan to gain trust is to contact the girl I had an affair with (who is absolutely no longer in my life). My wife wants me to convince this woman to send her any emails she may have kept that we sent to each other. Naturally I deleted all of my e-mails. …I am afraid if this woman does have something saved it will do the opposite of helping my wife because we really spiral out of control and go to a dark place when we discuss this. … What should I/we do?”

Click onto the following web site link to read the answer to:

• What if My Wife Wants to Read Affair Emails?

It’s not just what you’ve lived through that’s important, but what you’ve “learned through” as well. Author, Becky Gain discovered that all too well. She wrote that she discovered:

“Although I ended my illicit relationship, I could not stop the memories.”

To find out what Becky “learned through” please click onto the Kyria.com web site to read:

• I HAD AN AFFAIR

You may be struggling forgiving yourself and finding a way to get beyond the hurt you have caused. But:

“It’s important to accept the fact that our actions can not be erased or undone, but that we can dig deep inside and discover some way to become a better person by virtue of this experience. This focus and process can be of great help in counteracting the feelings of guilt or regret.

So the first step is letting go of “in only…” and looking toward “what can I do to demonstrate that I’ve learned an important lesson” from this experience. And, further, how can I take this learning and use it to become a better person. No matter how difficult something is to deal with, there’s always the potential for learning from it. And using these learnings to forge a more responsible and more fulfilling life can be of great help in counteracting the feelings of guilt or regret.”

To read more advice from Peggy, please click onto the web site link to read:

• Where Can I Find Help for the Person Who Had the Affair?

This last article poses a question and then answers it as well. Author, Nancy C. Anderson was the person who had the affair and has since spent her life helping others who are struggling in marriages rocked by infidelity. After reading the article (and also reading her book, “Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome“) you may consider contacting her if you’re still struggling, to see if she might give you additional suggestions.

But first, please click onto the following link to read:

• CAN A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE SURVIVE AN AFFAIR?

We pray that God has used the above articles to minister to your heart and marriage in His amazing way.

The above article was composed by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

How confident I was that soon “all would be well with my house.” Little did I know that years would go by with little change. My husband was a good moral man: he loved his family and was deeply devoted; he loved and cared for his parents; he loved and respected his in-laws; he was a hard worker, responsible, didn’t drink, smoke or chase women.

“What a great Christian he’ll make,” I thought. Sadly, he wasn’t interested in the “things of God.” He didn’t care to socialize with the “church crowd.” He attended church services occasionally, but never talked about God. What was I to do?

Whatever you do, don’t be a modern day Jonah and try to run away from your God appointed mission. There will be direct conflict with “your will” over what to do. The prophet Jonah didn’t want to go to Nineveh for many reasons, but note of them were good enough for God. (Your reason won’t be either).

You must have a genuine love for his soul because he is your husband and that is who will spend eternity with you. When Jonah had pity on the plant more than the inhabitants of Nineveh, God rebuked him saying, “You have had pity on the plant for which you have not labored, nor made it grow …and should I not pity Nineveh, that great city, in which are more than one hundred and twenty thousand persons who cannot discern between their right hand and their left?” (Jonah 4:10-11).

Likewise, with regards to your husband, have pity on his soul. Jesus died as much for him as for you. Pray that God will enlarge your gift of compassion towards him. Pray for a “burden for his soul.” Pray for God’s mercy. Someone cared about your soul enough to point you to Christ.

My husband had a “target on his back” and wasn’t aware that GOD had His arrow of LOVE “aimed right at the bulls eye!”

John 15:5 says, “I am the vine, you are the branches. He [she] who abides in Me, and I in [her] bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.” God’s spirit draws your mate to Himself. Your spiritual fruit is what is visible when you are abiding in and drawing life from God.

Your husband will unknowingly be drawn “to the things of God in you” completely unaware of God’s sovereignty in all circumstances. Your fruit of the spirit: “love, joy peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23) all serve to point your husband (unaware) to God. He will notice the difference, but not be able to pin-point when it happened or why. He might never visualize the change he sees, but he will notice.

Let’s not fool ourselves, we know we don’t live 24 hours a day with spiritual fruit hanging over us — come on. Nonetheless, let us strive to display fruit here and there to pique the lost to curiosity! Proverbs 31:25-27 says, “Strength and honor are her clothing; she shall rejoice in time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness. She watches over the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.” Let us strive to be godly women of worth.

Another eye-opener is how your obedience to God and His principles are the key to opening the “gate” for your mate into the kingdom of heaven. “Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice…” (1 Samuel 15:22). God is not moved by your circumstances, crying, discomfort, whining, pity parties, anger or disappointment. He is, however, moved with compassion by your faith, your faithfulness, and your devotion to Him. Your obedient prayers of faith and prayers of intercession for his soul please God.

Your husband lingers in the valley of decision (Joel 3:14) so his decision will be based, in part, on a perception of God and His place in your life. A Godly example is the better teacher. Keep praying for God to reveal Himself more and more to your husband in every area of life, work, leisure, provision, and activity.

There is so much more of the above article that is written in the inspirational book, “Mission Possible” that you would benefit from reading (so we hope you can find a way to obtain it). It is written by D L McCarragher and published by Alabaster Box Publishing. You can purchase the writings God inspired Deborah to write, in either book form, audio download, C.D., E-Book, or Kindle by going to her web site at www.Godmissionpossible.com.

In this book, McCarragher not only gives you insights the Lord has given her that has helped in her own spiritual journey in an unequally yoked marriage, but at the end of each chapter there are scriptures and in-depth questions to better help you in your own journey as you believe God for your husband’s spiritual journey to Him, as well. We HIGHLY recommend you obtain this book and purchase extras to give to friends who may be experiencing these types of struggles. This would also make a GREAT small group Bible study to participate in with other women in similar circumstances.

“If you want to have and maintain a beautiful and meaningful marriage, you’ll have to exert a lot of effort. Falling in love is so easy that you don’t even have to try. It just happens. Keeping that love alive and vibrant over the years is something else. You just don’t fall in love and forget it. There are too many people who believe that their love is enough to carry them through. Not so. The truth is that, like a delicate plant, love needs to be nurtured and paid close attention to. The smart couple knows this and takes steps to preserve their love” (Bob Garon).

Last week we shared 3 marriage myths written by Michael McManus in his great newspaper article entitled: “Myths and True Meaning of Married Love.” This week we’d like to conclude with the edited last 5 myths McManus wrote about on this topic. As in last week’s message, we’ve added comments and discussion questions at the end of each one hoping you’ll spend quality “Intentional Time” with your spouse going over them together.

MYTH #4: LOVE IS A FEELING. In fact Scripture says love is a decision, not an emotion, but an act of the will. Read 1 Corinthians 13 which begins “Love is patient.” Are you naturally patient? I’m not. But with my wife, I really try to be patient because I love her.

• What about you? Are you living the principles of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7? Read those verses together slowly and use it as a check up list comparing your own actions with each other.

To help you with this, we’ve put together a “Marriage Check-up List” (based on those same Bible verses) that we use in our own relationship. You can find it on our web site in the “Communication Tools” section of this web site. (We go through this list regularly—asking each other these questions and then ask our partner for forgiveness wherever we’ve hurt them. We do this because we’ve pledged to love each other with the principles of the Bible as our guide, and this list helps us to do so.)

Keep in mind that “God’s love is to be directed outward toward others—not just inward toward ourselves.” God’s love is a “noun”; but it’s also a “verb.”

MYTH #5: ONLY MINOR CHANGES ARE NEEDED TO ADJUST TO MARRIAGE AND THE OTHER PERSON. Actually, major reconstruction is needed. We are a fallen race, a sinful people. The ego must be crushed. How proud we are—how selfish and self-centered! Pride must be destroyed. Our whole inner life must be restructured to please the other person.

“In marriage the pressure is felt most in a whole series of tiny sharply defined issues of morality, (that) take the shape of commandments: Honor the day of your anniversary: remember to take out the garbage; don’t use the power saw when your wife is home if she can’t stand the noise. Only another person can challenge and confront us at this deep personal level of our own private will and reveal to us how petty it is,” writes Mike Mason in the profound book, The Mystery of Marriage.

• Now that you’re married, has it been minor or major changes that you’ve needed to make to adjust to life as a marital team? What have some of those changes been?

• In what ways have you grown as a person because of the challenges of living together as husband and wife?

• Is there anything you could have done before marrying that would have helped you to better prepare for the adjustments you’ve had to make? What? Also, if so, you might consider passing them onto those you know who are considering marriage.

MYTH #6: IT TAKES WORK TO MAKE A GOOD MARRIAGE. It does take commitment and a good attitude, but the need goes deeper. The more fundamental need is TIME, T-I-M-E, not work—lavish, extravagant, huge amount of time. How much time did you spend with each other in courtship?

Be together without interference, resentment, opening up in life’s lonely areas, vast areas where the other person can find a home, a friendly space, an unhurried peace, and a serenity within the heart of the beloved.

• What do you think of the statement about “time” that Mike McManus makes? Is it possible to do this with all of the demands combating you each day?

• If needed, look at your schedules and with “intentionality” to carve out “time” to be together. (You might again look through the “Communication Tools” section for additional help, as well as the “Romantic Ideas” section to give you additional ideas.) Keep in mind that “you got married because you dated. It only stands to reason that a good way to stay married is to keep dating.”

Read the following statement:

“Healthy marriages require intentionality. many couples have fallen into a passive approach to their marriage and wake up one day wondering what went wrong. They operate their marriages in what we call default mode: things happen without planning or directions or effort. Instead of default mode, we need a proactive approach for our marriages to grow. The call that we’re sending out is this: Get out of the default mode in your marriage. Live at a higher level!”

• Discuss how you can “pro-actively” work to get out of the “default mode in your marriage.”

MYTH #7: THE GOAL OF MARRIAGE IS FULFILLMENT OF THE INDIVIDUAL. Of course we seek fulfillment, and many see marriage as a path to finding it. But if marriage were the vehicle, how could single people find fulfillment? Instead, we must seek abandonment, giving up ourselves so fully that we almost surrender our individuality and forget who we are.

• Discuss what you think about this last statement? Does it go along with the example Christ gave us of His love (as described in Philippians 2:6-11)?

• Read the following statement by Gary Inrig on this same point:

“A thriving marriage expresses Christlike love: Christ becomes for us the pattern of love, and that pattern is sacrifice. ‘Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.’ It means that, in biblical terms, love is defined, not by sweaty palms and beating heart of infatuated adolescents or the steamy passions of a Hollywood romance, but by the cross of Christ. Love produces sacrificial action. It’s seen not just in what Christ felt but in what He did. ‘He loved the church and gave Himself up for her.’”

• Do you agree or disagree with what he had to say about Christlike love in marriage to make it thrive?

MYTH #8: I CAN CHANGE MY MATE. Actually, you can only change yourself. But that can change the character of the marriage, inspiring the very change you longed for in your mate. As Mason puts it, “Marriage is the single most wholehearted step most of us will ever take to fulfill Jesus’ command to love one’s neighbor as oneself.”

• Are you fulfilling Jesus command to love each other as oneself? If not, take the time to confess, pray with and for each other, that with “intentionality” you will begin anew to live out the true meaning of love in your marriage.

We hope this message by Mike McManus (and the additional material we’ve added) has been enlightening for your relationship. Mike is the Founder and President of Marriage Savers www.marriagesavers.org, which is a wonderful organization that ministers to married couples throughout the world.

We pray the Lord ministers to your marriage as we work together, with intentionality, to make our marriages the best they can be to the glory of God to reveal and reflect the love of Christ,

Steve and Cindy Wright

In the spring of 1989 my neighbor had repeatedly asked me to church and I had repeatedly refused. I didn’t need church, thank you very much, and I politely made numerous excuses. She, however, didn’t give up. I eventually gave in and said, “yes,” “only for my son’s sake,” I reminded her. Well, GOD had other plans!

I was radically saved that first Sunday morning. I had asked many questions in my Sunday school class, and during the invitation, I walked the aisle with my Bible study teacher. I remember feeling emotionally worn out that afternoon.

I took my son to the park as my husband was working that weekend, and I reflected on all that had transpired. Little did I know God would begin a work in me that would take me on a spiritual journey I didn’t expect.

Day after day, week after week, month after month I grew closer to God, hungered for Good and began serving Him from my heart. I took my 2 1/2 year old son every time I attended church. My husband would nod his head in approval and wave as we left each week for church.

The spiritual skirmish had begun. Don’t underestimate the enemy. I did not fully understand spiritual warfare and would learn about that as time progressed. I began to grow in my understanding of God’s Word and how Satan opposes a couple’s holy union. I would learn about “putting on the whole armor of God” (Ephesians 6:10-19).

I would learn that “standing firm” was mandatory — not an option. My spiritual clothing was necessary for survival as “half of a saved couple.” God desires for you to become “one flesh” — at the altar and in the spirit realm. Satan can’t bear the thought of it. This is where your perseverance plays a huge part.

The enemy will mercilessly bombard you with thoughts, feelings, emotions and physical disdain for your mate. You must “take every thought captive” (2 Corinthians 10:5) and stop looking at your mate as the enemy. Don’t let his actions and words provoke you into disobedience.

Paul writes in Ephesians 4:29, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for building up, that it may impart grace to the hearers.” Matthew 18:9 states, “and if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you.” So it goes with your tongue.

Stop committing spiritual murder against your mate! Bite it off and cast it away! Don’t sin by grieving God as you curse the very person God wills to join you to, as ONE!

Remember that “the battle is the Lord’s” (1 Samuel 17:47) and earnestly give the salvation of your mate to God in prayer. Early on in your conversion it seems easier to be hopeful concerning your husband’s salvation. You will need an added measure of faith as the years go by.

In Romans 4:18 Paul refers to Abraham by saying “who, contrary to hope, in hope believed.” This is the type of faith you  will need for your husband’s salvation.

God is your spiritual husband while your mate is not yet the priest of your home. Your obedience and submission to Him are essential as God knows our shortcomings and weaknesses; yet He uses them to perfect us in waiting. Perseverance is one thing you will need with a “holy dig in your heels” attitude and a “stubbornness in the Lord” towards the salvation of your mate.

Salvation is a personal thing. I had responded to The Lord’s call, and my husband had his own choice to make.

The above article comes from the inspirational book, “Mission Possible” written by D L McCarragher, published by Alabaster Box Publishing. You can obtain the writings God inspired Deborah to write, in either book form, C.D., E-Book, or MP3 Download by going to her web site at www.Godmissionpossible.com.

In this book, McCarragher not only gives you insights the Lord has given her that has helped in her own spiritual journey in an unequally yoked marriage, but at the end of each chapter there are scriptures and in-depth questions to better help you in your own journey as you believe God for your husband’s spiritual journey to Him, as well. We HIGHLY recommend you obtain this book and purchase extras to give to friends who may be experiencing these types of struggles. This would make a GREAT small group Bible study to participate in with other women in similar circumstances.

Can you imagine how foolish it would be for a soldier to go into battle without his weapon or for him to let it fall into disrepair? As Christians, it’s just as foolish for us to fight lust without the only offensive weapon God has given us.

Ephesians 6:17 calls the Word of God the “sword of the Spirit.” Your Bible is no lifeless book. It has power. When you read it, speak it, and memorize it, the Holy Spirit uses it against sin like an offensive weapon. Hebrews 4:12 says:

For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

And 2 Timothy 3:16-17 states:

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

Scripture cuts through the confusion and hazy half-truths that our sin generates. It reveals our wrong desires. It rebukes our apathy. It corrects our selfish human thinking. It unmasks the deception of sin. It points us to God’s goodness and faithfulness when we’re tempted to forget. It trains us in righteousness. It counters the false promises of lust with God’s true promises.

Since the day I was tempted by the catalog in the trash, I’ve learned that I can’t reason with lust or argue against it with my own opinions. I can’t put my fingers in my ears hoping to drown out its lies. And I’m definitely not going to last long if all I can answer is, “I’m not allowed to do that.” I need an authority greater than my own. I need the very words of God. Hand-to-hand combat with lust doesn’t work—I need the sword of the Spirit.

GETTING SPECIFIC
What are the specific lies your sinful desires tell you? Identify them and then go to God’s Word and find passages that specifically address those lies. I’ve compiled the following list of Scriptures that I hope you find helpful. Don’t rush though these. Consider the times you’ve been tempted by these lies; then let the truth of the Bible transform your perspective.

LIE
Lust is not big deal.

TRUTH: “For Lust is a shameful sin, a crime that should be punished. It is a devastating fire that destroys to hell. It would wipe out everything I own” (Job 31:11-12, NLT).

LIE
A little sinful fantasizing won’t hurt.

TRUTH: “To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace” (Romans 8:6, ESV).

“Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life” (Galatians 6:7-8, ESV).

“But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires” (Romans 13:14, ESV).

LIE
Taking radical action against sin isn’t necessary.

TRUTH: “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell” (Matthew 5:29-30).

“Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart” (2 Timothy 2:22).

LIE
God won’t mind a little compromise…

TRUTH: “Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming” (Colossians 3:5-6).

“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people” (Ephesians 5:3).

LIE
It’s my body. I can do what I want with it.

TRUTH: “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against this own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body” (1 Corinthians 6:18-20).

LIE
I can’t control my sex drive.

TRUTH: “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality/ that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-6).

LIE
Looking at a few pornographic pictures won’t affect me .

TRUTH: “Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate your with her eyes, for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life. Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?” (Proverbs 6:25-27).

“I will set before my eyes no vile thing” (Psalm 101:3).

LIE
I won’t experience any consequences for indulging in my lust.

TRUTH: So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God” (Romans 14:12).

“The Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son” (Hebrews 12:6).

“After desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death” (James 1:15).

LIE
People get away with adultery.

TRUTH: “For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave” (Proverbs 5:3-5).

“Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your best strength to others and your years to one who is cruel, lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich another man’s house. At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent” (Proverbs 5:8-11).

LIE
God is keeping something good from me.

TRUTH: “Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you” (Psalm 84:10-12).

LIE
The pleasure lust promises is better and more real than God’s pleasure.

TRUTH: “You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand” (Psalm 16:11).

LIE
Fulfilling my lust will satisfy me.

TRUTH: “I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’ The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD” (Lamentations 3:24-26).

“The fear of the LORD leads to life, and whoever has it rests satisfied” (Proverbs 19:23, ESV).

LIE
Too much purity will keep me from seeing and enjoying beauty.

TRUTH: “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God” (Matthew 5:8).

“For the LORD is righteous; he loves righteous deeds; the upright shall behold his face” (Psalm 11:7, ESV).

“Your eyes will behold the king in his beauty; they will see a land that stretches afar” (Isaiah 33:17, ESV).

Isn’t Scripture incredible? Are you feeling its power as you read? Having the words of God engraved on your heart is the key to a life of purity. Psalm 119:9-11 says, “How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word… I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.”

Since lust can attack you at any time or place, you should be prepared wherever you are to fight back with Scripture. That’s why I encourage you to commit the preceding list of verses to memory. Start by choosing one or two. Write them down on a card and place it where you’ll see it—in your Bible, in your car, or on your computer. Review them several times a day. After a week pick a few more. Keep going till you have them all hidden in your heart.

In times of temptation, reciting several of these verses can be a wonderful deterrent to sin. I’ve found it helpful to pray them back to God. I use them to talk myself out of the deception of lust. Sometimes I even shout them. As I’ve done so, I’ve found renewed strength and faith to fight.

The above article comes from the book, Sex is not the Problem (Lust Is), written by Joshua Harris, published by Multnomah www.mpbooks.com. This book discusses the fact that lust isn’t just a guy problem — it’s a human problem. And unless we honestly confront it, lust will destroy our relationships and our lives.

Joshua Harris, author of the runaway bestseller I Kissed Dating Goodbye, calls a generation bombarded with images of sexual sin back to the freedom and joy of holiness. This book — straightforward without being graphic — speaks to those entrenched in lust or just flirting with temptation. Honestly sharing his own struggles, Harris exposes lust’s tactics and helps readers create a personal plan for fighting back. Although most of the content of the book is aimed for the younger generation and those who aren’t married yet, it has a lot of its content (like that which is posted above) which can be helpful for others as well. You may even want to get a copy as a gift for a single man or woman who may benefit from reading material to help fight lust and celebrate sexual purity since the enemy of our faith is increasing the attack to corrupt our youth.

This was excerpted from the book, Sex is Not the Problem (Lust Is) © 2003 by Joshua Harris. Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.

• TRUTH: I am secure because I am hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3). All my needs are supplied in Christ (Philippians 4:19). It is not by my power or strength, but by His Spirit (Zechariah 4:6). He is a shield to those who walk uprightly (Proverbs 2:7- 11).

2. Myth: I must perform perfectly and avoid mistakes to be accepted and acceptable to God.

• TRUTH: I am perfect in Christ; one Spirit with Him (Hebrews 10:14; 1 Corinthians 6:17). I have been made accepted by Him (Ephesians 1:6). Christ died that I would be the righteousness of God in Him (2 Corinthians 5:21).

3. Myth: I am responsible for my spouse’s or another’s emotional well-being. I must apologize if he or she isn’t okay or if they do something wrong (or) I am accountable to God for my spouse.

• TRUTH: Each one shall give account of himself to God (Romans 14:12). I cannot rescue my brother by any means (Psalm 49:7). Each person eats the fruit of his own way (Proverbs 1:31).

4. Myth: I must stay emotionally guarded to be safe and secure.

• TRUTH: The Lord is my safety (Psalm 4:8; Psalm 27:1-6; Psalm 32:7-11). Safety is only of the Lord (Proverbs 1:33; Proverbs 3:23; Proverbs 21:31). As I trust Christ, His peace will guard my heart and mind (Philippians 4:7). He is my shield and fortress (Psalm 18:1-3).

5. Myth: I must be strong and independent to survive.

• TRUTH: Christ’s strength is perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). My life is to be dependent on Christ, since He is the Vine and I am a branch in Him. Without Him I can do nothing (John 15:5; 2 Corinthians 12:10).

6. Myth: I do not measure up I am not worthy of love. I may deserve to be punished.

• TRUTH: Christ has made me accepted in Him (Ephesians 1:6; Psalm 139:13-18). I am chosen, have been made righteous, holy, a saint. I have been justified. I have been made a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17; 1 Peter 2:9; 1 Corinthians 1:2; Romans 8:30).

7. Myth: Real men do not show they need help.

• TRUTH: When I humble myself before God, in due time He exalts me (1 Peter 5:6). Pride comes before a fall (Proverbs 16:18).

8. Myth: I must improve myself and build my self-confidence to succeed and know I am valued.

• TRUTH: My confidence is to be in the Lord, not myself (Proverbs 3:26; Proverbs 14:26); I am to put no confidence in my flesh (Philippians 3:3). I am to humble myself and become of no reputation (Philippians 2:5-8).

9. Myth: I must get respect from my mate and others to know I am of worth.

• TRUTH: I am called to love and to serve others and consider them better than myself (Philippians 2:3). Pride comes before destruction and shame (Proverbs 16:18; 11:2). I am to become of “no reputation” and be a servant (Philippians 2:5-8). He has made me accepted and perfect (Ephesians 1:6; Hebrews 10:14).

10. Myth: I must be heard and/or right to know I am of value to my loved one or others.

• TRUTH: I am not to be wise in my own eyes (Proverbs 3:7). I am to find my value in Christ (Ephesians 1:6; See #9).

11. Myth: I must “fix and direct” if things are to go right for me and if I am going to be secure and at peace. (I must control interactions and circumstances.)

• TRUTH: God will work all things together for me if I love Him and am called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). He is faithful and will cause it to happen (1 Thessalonians 5:24). God works His will in the army of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth (Daniel 4:35); God will accomplish that which concerns me (Psalm 138:8).

12. Myth: I must be the best to find worth and security.

• TRUTH: The least shall be the greatest (Luke 9:48). God is my worth, security, my shield and Fortress (See #17; Proverbs 2:7). Safety is of the Lord (Proverbs 21:31; Jeremiah 16:19).

13. Myth: Emotions represent truth.

• TRUTH: Jesus Christ said He is the Truth. Emotions do not represent truth and are not to be trusted (John 14:6).

14. Myth: My peace is tied to my spouse’s and/or others’ opinions and to my being treated fairly. To be fulfilled, I am entitled to my spouse treating me the way the Lord commands him/her to.

• TRUTH: Jesus Christ is my peace and gives me peace (John 14:2). I am in perfect peace as my mind is fixed on Him. As I humble myself, I’ll enjoy peace (Psalm 37:11; Isaiah 26:3 See #32, 37).

15. Myth: Husbands and wives should complete each other.

• TRUTH: Each has been made complete in Christ (Colossians 2:10).

16. Myth: Others and losses are responsible for my pain. My emotional peace, or lack of it, is somebody else’s fault (or responsibility).

• TRUTH: I am responsible to receive and walk in the healing, recovery, comfort, peace and restoration from Christ (Isaiah 61:1-3; Isaiah 58:8; Isaiah 54:1-14; Psalm 23:3).

17. Myth: I must prove I am right to know I am of worth.

• TRUTH: Christ has made me accepted in Him (Ephesians 1:6; #9, #10, Psalm 139:13-18), I am chosen, righteous, holy, a saint: a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17; 1 Peter 2:9; 1 Corinthians 1:2).

18. Myth: I can’t help being depressed and without hope if my circumstances don’t change.

• TRUTH: Christ gives me hope and a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness (Romans 15:13; Psalm 16:11, Psalm 27:14, Psalm 31:24; Isaiah 61:3). Hope is not based on circumstances, but is only in Christ (1 Timothy 1:1; Colossians 1:27; Romans 15:13).

19. Myth: I must explain, justify and defend myself. I must please my spouse and/or others to avoid rejection and find acceptance.

• TRUTH: Christ is my defender and my justifier (Romans 5:1; Colossians 3:3; Isaiah 54:17; Psalm 91:11; Acts 13:39). God will make my enemies to be at peace with me when my way pleases Him (Proverbs 16:7).

20. Myth: I must live under the burden of guilt if another isn’t okay or if I have failed or sinned.

• TRUTH: There is no condemnation to me as I walk after the Spirit. Christ came to make me perfect in my conscience (John 3:18; Romans 8:1; Hebrews 9:9, 14). I am forgiven of all my sins (Colossians 2:13).

21. Myth: I can’t be okay unless I can trust my loved one.

• TRUTH: I must put no confidence in human flesh (Philippians 3:3).

22. Myth: What I do makes me who I am.

• TRUTH: Birth determines my identity. I have been made a new creation by my new birth. The old me died with Christ (Galatians 2:20; 2 Corinthians 5:17).

23. Myth: I must live in shame from abuse in my early years. It affects my life and I can’t get over it.

• TRUTH: As I trust Christ, I will forget the same of my youth. Instead of shame, He will give me double honor. He came to heal my broken heart and give beauty for ashes. He will restore the years the locusts have eaten. My recovery will spring forth quickly (Isaiah 58:8; Isaiah 61:1-3; Isaiah 61:7; Isaiah 54:4-8). Jesus said we have sorrow, but he gives us truth which brings healing and freedom (John 16:6-7).

24. Myth: My emotional security is based on my maintaining my structure and on connectedness with my spouse and/or my significant others.

• TRUTH: Christ is my strong tower, etc. I am complete in Him (Colossians 2:10). He will establish, strengthen, and settle me (1 Peter 5:10). He is my shield (Psalm 18:1-3).

25. Myth: I am inadequate.

• TRUTH: I have been made adequate (2 Corinthians 3:5-6). I can do all things through Christ. I am complete in Him (Colossians 2:10; Philippians 4:13). He makes me adequate to do His will (Hebrews 13:21; See #34).

26. Myth: I can’t have any peace or contentment if my loved one doesn’t change.

• TRUTH: Christ is my peace. He gives me peace (John 14:27). When I cease from my own way, I have rest (Hebrews 4:10). Peace is mine through Christ (John 14:27). When I humble myself, I will delight in an abundance of peace (Psalm 37:11).

27. Myth: I can’t help being anxious when the future is uncertain.

• TRUTH: As I humble myself and cast my fears on God, He will exalt me in due time (1 Peter 5:6-7). I am to be anxious for nothing (Philippians 4:6). God will preserve and sustain me as I trust Him (Psalm 16:8-11; Psalm 23:4). The Lord preserves those who love Him (Psalm 3:23; Psalm 145:2; Proverbs 2:8). I am not to be afraid for I dwell in the shelter of the Most High God (Psalm 91:1,5,6,10; Psalm 18:1-3). I am not to be troubled nor fearful (John 14:27).

28. Myth: I cannot be happy if I do not get my needs of worth and security met by my spouse or another.

• TRUTH: See all the above. He shall supply ALL my needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19).

29. Myth: If I am treated unfairly, it makes me a doormat.

• TRUTH: Even though trials and unfairness will come to all, the Lord has made me who I am (#31; #2). Those reviling my good behavior shall be put to shame (1 Peter 3:17). As I walk in righteousness, no weapon formed against me shall prosper (Isaiah 54:17).

30. Myth: The Lord has never cared enough about me to answer my prayers.

• TRUTH: If I abide in Him, I can ask and it will be given (John 15:7). If I ask and don’t receive in God’s timing, I have asked with the wrong motive (James 4:2, 3; 1 John 3:22; John 5:14).

31. Myth: If the Lord wanted good things for me, He wouldn’t have allowed so much loss and pain.

• TRUTH: Tribulation and trials will come to all, beginning with God’s people. But Christ has overcome these things on my behalf (1 Peter 1:6; 4:12, John 16:33). He has plans for my good and desires to satisfy me with good things (Jeremiah 29:11; Psalm 103:5). After I have experienced a trial, trusting Him, He will establish, strengthen and perfect me (1 Peter 5:10).

32. Myth: If the Lord cared about me, He would give me a person to fill my loneliness—make me complete and fulfilled. I need a person to complete me.

• TRUTH: I will remain lonely unless I die to my own way of trying to make things work for me (John 12:24). He wants to fill me and my loneliness with Himself. I am to find my completeness in Christ (Colossians 3:3, Ephesians 5:17, 18).

33. Myth: I must see that others pay for the wrongs they have done against me.

• TRUTH: God will avenge, vindicate me. I must release others from what they owe so that I won’t suffer tormenting emotions (Romans 12:19; Hebrews 10:30, 31; Matthew 18:23-24).

34. Myth: I don’t have the power to love and serve.

• TRUTH: When I cease my own trying and trust Him, Christ is faithful and He will do it. He gives me the victory. It is not by my power, nor strength, but His Spirit that I accomplish (1 Thessalonians 5:24; 1 Corinthians 15:57; Zechariah 4:6). I can do all things through Christ who is my strength. The Lord will accomplish that which concerns me (Psalm 138:8; Philippians 4:13).

35. Myth: My worth and value should come from hard work and responsibility.

• TRUTH: My value and worth are only found in who Christ has made me—not in my performance. Christ has made me accepted in Him (Ephesians 1:6; Psalm 139:13-18). My confidence is to be in the Lord, not myself (Proverbs 3:26; Proverbs 14:26). I am to put no confidence in my flesh (Philippians 3:3).

36. Myth: My security and value should come from my loved one protecting and providing for me or doing certain things for me.

• TRUTH: The Lord in me is my provider, my security, my worth. He preserves me as I walk in faith (Psalm 31:23; Psalm 145:20; Psalm 97:10; Proverbs 2:8; also see #17, #4).

37. Myth: I should find significance from another’s love, appreciation and acceptance. I must have everyone’s love and approval to feel good about myself and be emotionally okay.

• TRUTH: See #35. I’m not entitled to others meeting my needs. My needs are to be met in Christ. I am complete in Him. He will fill me (Philippians 4:19; Colossians 2:10; Ephesians 5:17, 18).

38. Myth: Satisfaction and fulfillment should come from my marital partner.

• TRUTH: The Lord will satisfy my hungry soul as I walk in Him (Isaiah 58:10). He will fill me with His Spirit (Ephesians 5:17, 18).

39. Myth: I am not blessed if God doesn’t give me the things I want, according to my reason and timing. Things must go my way for me to be happy and satisfied.

• TRUTH: God’s ways are higher than my ways. He is in control and works all things together for my good if I love Him and am called according to His purpose. As I trust God and do not lean on my own understanding, He will direct my paths (Proverbs 3:5; Romans 8:28). He has plans for my good, to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). Only He knows the times and seasons under His authority.

40. Myth: I must earn any good thing to enjoy from God.

• TRUTH: He has freely given me all things to enjoy. I am justified freely by His grace (Romans 3:24; 1 Corinthians 2:12; 1 Timothy 6:17; Matthew 10:8).

41. Myth: I must have everyone’s love and approval to feel good about myself and be okay emotionally.

• TRUTH: See #35, 37, 38. I can’t count on others approval for meeting my needs of worth, validation and significance. These needs are met in Christ.

42. Myth: I must struggle to surrender or put away the flesh (my old “survival strategies”).

• TRUTH: I must not try to put them away. If my mind is set on the Spirit, I will enjoy life and peace. When I just cease from my own works, then I will have rest and peace. When I just cease from my own words, then I will have rest and peace. When I abide in Christ, I will have joy (John 15:11; Hebrews 4:10). As I walk after the Spirit, (abiding and focusing on the Spirit) I won’t fulfill the desires of the flesh (Galatians 5:16).

43. Myth: Life must be fair for me to be calm. I am a victim and cannot be okay until I am no longer victimized.

• TRUTH: Life is not fair. Trials and injustices will come to all. I enter into Christ’s victory as I take up my trial (cross) daily and deny myself. I cannot follow Christ unless I do this. Calmness and peace are found only in Christ (See #31, #14, Matthew 16:24, Matthew 14:33.)

44. Myth: My childhood issues must be dealt with before I can be okay.

• TRUTH: My issues have been dealt with because I have died with Christ and am a new creation. I am okay when I recognize that He has given me the Victory and cease from my struggling (See #34, #22, Hebrews 4:10).

45. Myth: If I punish my spouse or others, then they will love me and give me what I need.

• TRUTH: I will eat the fruit of my own way. I will reap what I sow. If I sow to the flesh, I will reap corruption! As I am unselfish and love my spouse and others (sow to the Spirit), I will reap that eternal life of Christ’s sufficiency for me (Matthew 5:46; Galatians 6:7, 8; Proverbs 1:31).

46. Myth: Love must be earned. I must please God and/or others to be loved and accepted. I must know I am loved by and important to another to be okay.

• TRUTH: God loved me when I was a sinner. He freely gives me all things to enjoy. He has made me accepted in Him. I do not have to have acceptance from a person for my needs to be met. Love is my sacrifice of my old survival strategies; it is not “getting.” ALL my needs are met in Christ (See #40, #2, John 15:13; Philippians 4:19).

47. Myth: I should not have adversity or opposition in life, relationships or marriage.

• TRUTH: See #29, #31. I know that trials come to all, and I should not be surprised when they come. God allows them to happen so that I won’t depend on myself but on God (2 Corinthians 1:9).

48. Myth: Others are to blame (are responsible) for how I feel. It is someone’s fault. I am a victim.

• TRUTH: I am responsible for me (see #3). He came to restore and heal my broken soul (Luke 4:18. See also #16, 18, 26, 45).

49. Myth: Things must go for my way for me to be fulfilled and satisfied.

• TRUTH: See #37, 38, 39. Fulfillment only comes from the Lord. He will fill me with His Spirit. He will satisfy my hungry soul and quench my thirst (John 4:14).

The above worksheet is something that the author, Anne Trippe, who specializes in marriage and family counseling, uses when she works with married couples. It is featured in the book, “Marriage! The Journey,” published by Essence Publishing, www.essencegroup.com. This book is unique in that “the focus is on learning to rely on the indwelling Christ to live out His life within marriage rather than relying on one’s learned strategies, religious formulas and traditional marriage building principles found in many Christian books and seminars.”

This book is written after many years of counseling hurting couples and is a follow-up to the 16-week course, “Understanding Your Journey to Freedom in Marriage.” You will read of the experiences of several couples caught up in various cycles of conflict. As you read of their stories and the advice that Anne shares you’ll have the opportunity to gain from the wisdom and insight she gives them. She believes, and you’ll have the opportunity to learn, “God’s design for marriage is not only for happiness but to bring us to holiness and maturity in Christ.”

“While our cultural values continue to elevate marriage, our behavior drifts away from it. We’re a nation obsessed with marriage. The problem is that we may not know how to make marriage work” (Alex Kotlowitz).

To help us to “make marriage work,” we will share this week and next, 8 myths of married love and ways to dispel their falsehood. To do this we’ll be sharing parts of an article title, “Myths and True Meaning of Married Love” written by Michael McManus (the founder of Marriage Savers, www.marriagesavers.org), which is posted on the Smartmarriages.com web site in the Archives section.

At the end of each of McManus’ points we’re adding additional comments, scriptures and discussion questions, hoping you’ll use them to spend “Intentional Time” with your spouse going over them.

“MYTH 1: THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE IS OUR PERSONAL HAPPINESS. However, if so, when there are inevitable disappointments, and crosses to bear, the conclusion must be, ‘Either marriage is not fulfilling its promise, or something is wrong with me.’

“Dr Glenn Knecht, of Fourth Presbyterian Church in Bethesda says, ‘The true goal of marriage is not happiness but oneness. Jesus taught, ‘So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate.’ Happiness is a by-product. However, seeking oneness is costly. It involves sacrifice of the ego, so human pride is crushed until it has no life of its own anymore.’”

• Comment on Dr Knecht’s statement on the true goal of marriage.

• Do you agree that “oneness” in marriage is difficult and can be costly? Explain.

• Does this “oneness” mean you can’t have individuality within your marriage?

“MYTH 2: THE GOAL OF MARRIED LIFE IS TO GET MY MATE TO SUBMIT TO MY WAY OF THINKING. Men have memorized, ‘Wives, submit to your husbands.’ But the preceding verse is ‘Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.’ That is followed with the 3 verses on the role of the wife and 9 verses on how men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church.

“Marriage is an exercise in learning to submit even when we don’t feel like it. Knecht adds, ‘If your marriage is a tug of war, drop your end of the rope, so your spouse can win. Submission is the most demanding, most difficult and most important assignment in the school called marriage. It is giving up of rights.’”

• Read Ephesians 5 together and discuss what the Bible says about submission.

• Take turns commenting on what McManus and Knecht say about submission in marriage. How can you drop your “end of the rope” and yet not enable your spouse to continue behavior that you may find offensive?

• Speaker and author Cynthia Heald once said, “Submission is ducking low enough so God can deal with your husband.”

• Wives: Comment on that statement. Do you ever find yourself standing so firm on a point that you’re overshadowing what God wants to do with your husband?

• Husbands: comment on the following statement by Jan Schrader, “So many men want a Godly wife but they do very little to make it happen.” Is this true in your marriage? What more can you do to help your wife be Godly?

• Read together Philippians 2:1-11 and Romans 12:3. Discuss how this is relevant to marriage.

The Life Application Bible gives this commentary on Philippians 2:5-11.

“Often people excuse selfishness, pride, or evil by claiming their rights. They think, ‘I can cheat on this test; after all, I deserve to pass this class,’ or ‘I can spend all this money on myself — I worked hard for it,’ or ‘I can get an abortion; I have a right to control my own body.’ But as believers, we should have a different attitude, one that enables us to lay aside our rights in order to serve others. If we say we follow Christ, we must also say we want to live as He lived. We should develop His attitude of humility as we serve, even when we’re not likely to get recognition for our efforts. Are you selfishly clinging to your rights, or are you willing to serve?”

• Comment on the above statement as it applies to marriage.

“MYTH 3: LOVE IS WHAT HOLDS A MARRIAGE TOGETHER. True, we don’t enter marriage without love. But once that step is taken, it is the vows that hold it together, “for better for worse, in sickness and in health…” Love may actually wax and wane and there are times it is absent altogether. The vows said on the wedding day are sacred promises, said by billions of people. All marriage is spent learning the meaning of those vows.

“Former Education Secretary Bill Bennett was invited to a colleague’s wedding. They did not exchange the traditional vows, but pledged to stay together ‘as long as love shall last.’ He sent them paper plates as his wedding gift!”

• Comment on the danger of promising the stay together “as long as love shall last.”

• What does this philosophy teach children about what marriage is all about — particularly a “Christian” marriage?

• How does this philosophy stack up against what the Bible depicts about marriage?

Next week we will touch on 4 additional marriage myths that fly in the face of reality. In the meantime, if you desire to learn more myths that many believe concerning marriage, the following articles posted on various web site links could be enlightening, as you read them:

• LEARN 3 MYTHS THAT CAN DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE
(by Dr Randy Carlson, as posted on myflr.org)

• MYTHS THAT CAN DESTROY A MARRIAGE
(by John a Huffman Jr, as posted on Preaching.com)

• BUSTING THE MYTHS OF A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE
(by Judy Bodmer, as posted on Marriage Partnership Magazine web site)

• BUSTING MARRIAGE MYTHS
(by Anita Lazarus, as posted in the South Asian Connection web site)

• DEFLATING MARRIAGE MYTHS
(a sermon outline as posted on the Cornerstone Methodist Church web site)

• THE MYTH OF HAPPILY EVER AFTER
(by Sue Bohlin, as posted on the Probe Ministries web site)

To help you work through the myths concerning marriage that you may cling to, you may find it helpful to read the following article:

• FIVE BIBLICAL PURPOSES FOR MARRIAGE
(by Rick Warren, as posted on Lifeway.com)

Keep in mind that “‘Happily ever after’ may be for fairy tales, but that doesn’t mean there is no such thing as a happy rich, fulfilling marriage. But it’s only possible for those who live in reality, not in the fantasy of make-believe myths. May God give us grace to trust Him to walk in truth and not illusion” (Sue Bohlin, from the article “The Myth of Happily Ever After”).

“Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives tales; rather train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come” (1 Timothy 4:7-8).

“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in truth” (3 John 4).

Our prayer for you (as written in Romans 15:5-6) and for your marriage: “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!”

Cindy and Steve Wright

“Flirting is fun and usually begins in innocence. It’s a hard habit to break, even after marriage. Yet it causes jealousy. Worse, it puts us into situations we never intended to fall into, and it creates misunderstandings that can lead to infidelity” (Jerry Jenkins).

Whether intentional or not, flirting with someone other than your spouse is a form of emotional unfaithfulness. It’s a serious relationship matter, especially to the offended spouse. That’s why we’re approaching this subject by sharing a portion of a TV program titled, “You’re Not the Person I Married,” aired December 5, 2002 on the Dr Phil Show (which you can find more information about concerning this particular program and additional information, by following the provided “Show Archives” link to DrPhil.com).

In this show one of the couples, Joe and Karmen, were battling over his flirting with other women and the emotional affairs he later developed with several of them. To Joe, it was all innocent fun, because as he said, “there was no sex involved.” But Karmen felt hurt and betrayed.

They set up that segment of the program, showing a tape of both Joe and Karmen explaining their “sides” on the issue. Karmen said,

“I was in love with Joe, and he swore that he’d be faithful to me when we got married. Joe’s been involved with several women over the years, and he says they’re just emotional affairs, but they bother me just the same. I’m suspicious of everything that Joe says to me, and I’m constantly checking up on him.”

To that Joe responds,

“I never thought I would really be able to give up the attention I want from other women. The flirtations with women I have, they’re just romantic. There’s no sex involved.” And “when I tell the truth” (to Karmen when questioned by her) she”gets hurt, so I sometimes have to lie to save her feelings. To be honest, I never thought we’d be married as long as we are now. I think the kids right now have a lot to do with us still being together.”

They then, show a segment where Karmen’s sitting with her son who was crying telling his mom “it’s all my fault” for the problems they’re having. After the video, Dr Phil asks, “Joe, you just saw the toll this has taken on your son. So how much fun is that flirting now?” to which Joe replied, “It’s not fun at all.”

Karmen said,

“He didn’t know that was going to be on there, but I wanted him to see how bad he’s hurting our son without him even realizing it. My son came to me and said, ‘It’s my fault Dad’s unhappy with life because Dad told me he wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for us and he’s unhappy being here.’ I said, ‘Joel, he was trying to let you know how much he loves you; that even though he’s not happy with himself, he’s here for you, that he loves you.’ But, of course, my son didn’t take it that way.”

Dr Phil addressing Joe, said,

“You say, ‘I got married, knowing I wouldn’t want to give up the affection of other women. I’m having emotional affairs, but nothing physical.’ You know, just color me cynical, but I don’t believe that. I’m not saying you are or you aren’t —I have no evidence. I can’t prove one way or the other—all I know is what you say, and just one guy to another, I don’t believe that for a split second. But—that’s your position. And then you go say this to your children? Do you feel any responsibility to the health and welfare of this family as it relates to your choices?”

Joe replied, “I never knew my choices would really affect the family the way they have. I have, in the past, thought sometimes, it’s better we should just split up, however.” Dr Phil said, “Well, that’s one option, that’s true, to just say, ‘You know, I’ll just go—and y’all make your own way.’ Joe then admitted, “You know, I like what I have. You know, I love Karmen; I love the kids. I don’t want to give that up either.”

When Dr Phil asked Karmen if she felt betrayed by these emotional affairs, she said, “They hurt just the same as if he was out having a physical affair.” Dr. McGraw said, “Well, you are betrayed” and then turned to Joe and asked him if it truly was a betrayal to which Joe affirmed that they were.

Phil then said to him, “Because let me tell you, anytime you turn away from instead of towards your partner to meet emotional needs, physical needs, needs that are appropriate to a committed, intimate relationship, that’s a betrayal. So you have these needs, and you’re turning away from your wife to meet those needs. What do you expect her to do about that?”

Joe replied, “Well, I know I lost her trust. And I know it will be hard to regain it. But all I can do is say I’m sorry. The feeling I was looking for was that new relationship feeling. We’ve been married 14 years, and, you know, I miss that feeling.

Dr Phil then said, “So you thought, ‘I’ll just go get it somewhere else. And I’ll let my children pick up the tab for that immaturity, I’ll let my wife pick up the tab for that immaturity, and I’ll let our family go down in flames, so I can get a rush every 30 days?’”

Joe said, “See, I never really looked at it that way. I didn’t think it affected them a lot of times, I guess really it was, ‘What they don’t know don’t hurt’.”

Dr Phil then replied, “You said, ‘When I got married, I knew I wasn’t going to give up my want for these other women. I didn’t think we would stay married very long.’ So I guess you just thought you’d just bring some kids in the world and then just kind of leave them in your wake as you went to the next conquest. ‘What they don’t know doesn’t hurt them.’ Are you rethinking that as you sit here now?”

Joe said, “Oh, definitely, yes.” Dr Phil then said, “That’s a good thing because this is about wake-up calls. I’m not trying to beat you up. I’m trying to wake you up and get you to realize what you’re doing here.”

Joe acknowledged that he now saw his behavior in a different light and that he had been wrong but he wasn’t able to make a firm promise to stop for fear that if he failed he’d hurt his wife again with another “broken promise.” He did say he “wanted to” stop flirting and seeing other women.

At that point, Dr Phil said,

“Listen, I understand. Isn’t it all fun when you’re falling in love and everything is new and fresh and all that? That’s all fun just like riding a roller-coaster is great fun for some people. But the truth is, as we mature, we realize that love doesn’t get old; it just transforms.

You know, at first, you’re up all night talking and you’re doing all of this stuff and everybody gets all excited and everything. And I always hear them say, ‘Oh, we’re like soul mates. She knows me so well, she can finish my sentences.’ Then two years later, it’s, like, ‘Hey quit interrupting.’ OK? You know we get that evolution, but we label it as negative when really it’s just a change.”

“I don’t stay up all night talking to my wife because I want to go to sleep. But you know what? It may not be exactly the same; it’s better, but different. If you mature enough to allow that to happen, what you find out is—in exchange for some of the exhilaration in the unknown, you have comfort, you have security —you have a soft place to fall. And when you put effort and energy into it, you can create that exhilaration at the right time along the way.

But in the meantime, you mature into nurturing what’s there, learning to label that the same way you label the others. There’s a big difference between falling in love and being in love.”

We appreciate how Dr Phil tried to bring a wake up call to Karmen and Joe and to all married couples who will listen who feel flirtations aren’t harmful. What may seem to be “innocent” flirting in the eyes of one spouse who is directing it at someone other than their marriage partner, can spiral into all sorts of problems with a lot of innocent people to getting hurt. That’s not what marriage partnership is supposed to involve.

It comes down to the fact that marriage is designed to be entered into by grown-ups — those who are willing to act as mature adults, who vow to join together in exclusive partnership with each other and with God as a “chord of three strands.” It’s a relationship that is to be honored as sacred and protected by both partners so no one outside the marriage has the opportunity to “divide what God has joined together.” (See Mark 10:7-9)

You might find it helpful to follow something that author Jerry Jenkins discovered and shared in his book, Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It (which we highly recommend). He wrote,

“Because I enjoy having fun and being funny, and because my mind tends to find humor in words and unusual combinations of ideas, I could easily flirt with anyone I thought was receptive. Much flirting is funny. If someone says something flirtatious with me, my first impulse is to expand on it, play with it, see how quick and funny I can be. But I resist that. It isn’t fair. It’s mental and emotional unfaithfulness. I would be exercising a portion of my brain and soul reserved for my exclusive lover —my spouse.”

Jerry knows, and so should we, that this isn’t what we should be doing. It’s not God’s way and it shouldn’t be our way either. Think about it, isn’t that what marriage is supposed to be? Exclusive? If not, why marry? We need to consider what God’s word says about our actions:

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral” (Hebrews 13:4).

The flirtatious spouse might not think that he or she is being “sexually immoral” because he/she isn’t actually going through a physical, sexual act with another person. However, the Word of God says,

“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person — such a man is an idolater — has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God” (Ephesians 5:3-5).

Also, it is written:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell” (Matthew 5:27-29).

We beg you to save your flirting for your spouse. Invest your energies in your marriage instead of with someone else. You could find your relationship so much better, feeling newer and revived. And as a result you, your spouse, your children, and your God will be blessed.

Jerry Jenkins has a suggestion in his book that is a good one:

“If you want to flirt, flirt with your wife. She may not look, feel, or sound the way she did when you first flirted with her years ago, but she still wants you to flirt with her. Try it. Wink at her across the room. Blow her a kiss no one else sees. Play footsie with her under the table. Give her a squeeze, a pinch, a tickle no one else notices.”

He continues this thought by saying,

“Wouldn’t you like to be flirted with by someone who loves you, someone who can tease you about what she might do with you later and then deliver?”

Even if you think someone else might enjoy your flirtations as much or more than your spouse, when you took your marriage vows, you promised exclusivity with your marriage partner. So instead, try flirting with your spouse—you may like it! And it may just help to keep your romance alive—just as it has for us as we’ve flirted with each other throughout our almost 38 year old marriage.

Steve and Cindy Wright

(To see previous questions, visit our archive)

How blessed we are that we have a God who has given us the freedom of choice. And how fortunate we are that when we make poor choices, He doesn’t send lightning bolts from heaven to turn us into crispy critters or we’d all be fried by now. But just because we have freedom of choice it doesn’t mean that we should use that freedom to do whatever we desire without considering the consequences to ourselves, to others, and to “Kingdom work.”

The Psalmist prayed in Psalm 90:12, “Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” How wise those words are for us to pray for our own lives!

How does this apply to marriage? It applies greatly when we realize that we have so many choices as to how we spend our time together and how this can be applied when we own a TV. It’s not that there’s anything inherently wrong with watching television. There are times it actually can be of use to us for many differing reasons— one of them being that sometimes we just need time to retreat into something that doesn’t challenge our brain so we can “unwind” for a while.

Psychologist John Gray talks about how watching television can be a way that most men find helpful to unwind from the day’s pressures. He writes:

“Men come home and every day they like to go through a ritual to forget the day. They want to come home and waste time because they’ve been doing ‘useful things’ all day. They have a need to retreat to their ‘cave’ for a while.

“To men the most ‘useful’ thing to do after work is to do nothing useful — just watch TV. They have a need to escape and retreat and not talk about problems for a while to recuperate.”

So TV viewing can sometimes be useful as long AS LONG AS IT’S NOT OVERDONE. That’s why every couple needs to periodically take the time to assess together whether they’re “on the same page” in how they spend their time.

It’s a lifelong commitment of negotiating as daily we’re bombarded with too many choices as to how we spend our time — especially in this day of advanced technology, which brings everything right into our homes to deal with in some way or another. Recently, we were sent the following illustration from a friend that brings this point to home:

“Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying. I said to her: ‘Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I’d much rather die’.

“Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me… and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD Player, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beverages! …I ALMOST DIED!”

As humorous as this can be, it also has some truth to it in some homes. We pray you’ll work with each other as a team, finding the proper balance for how you spend your days together. It’s something we continually have to work on ourselves—it just comes with the commitment of marriage.

With that said, we’d like to end with the following poem that was sent to us that has challenged our own hearts. In light of the scripture written at the beginning of this message, there’s a challenge in it for us all. We hope you’ll read this message together and spend some “intentional time” together discussing it —giving each other grace and space, but also working together on that which is “beneficial” and “constructive” to the good of all concerned.

THE 23rd CHANNEL
(Author Unknown)

The TV set is my shepherd.
My spiritual growth shall want.
It makes me to sit down
and do nothing for His name’s sake
because it requireth all of my spare time.
It keepeth me from doing my duty as a Christian
because it presenteth so many good shows
that I must see.
It restoreth my knowledge of the things of the world,
and keepeth me from the study of God’s word.
It leadeth me in the paths
of failing to attend the evening worship services
and doing nothing in the kingdom of God.
Yea, though I live to be 100,
I shall keep on viewing television
as long as it will work.
For it is my closest companion.
Its sound and its picture, they comfort me.
It presenteth entertainment before me,
and keepeth me
from doing important things with my family.
It fills my head with ideas,
which differ from those set forth in the Word of God.
Surely, no good things will come of my life
because my television offereth me
no good time to do the will of God.
Thus I will dwell crownless
in the house of the Lord forever.

Let me (Steve) just say in conclusion that as a recovering “TV-holic,” balance in this area of my life is essential. I can easily find myself spending wasted hours in front of the television rather than doing anything productive for my spiritual life or my married life if I’m not careful.

As one writer put it (and I believe it), “Television promotes passivity; people wrapped up in watching T.V. have neither the motivation nor the energy to develop an intimate relationship. It can become so hypnotic that one does not realize how much time is being given to T.V. viewing” (from article “Too Much Television“).

If you feel a “check” in your spirit over this issue, please, don’t ignore it. God gives you that check for a purpose to make the changes He knows is necessary so you don’t rob your spouse, children, and your God of the time needed from you.

To help you further in this area of your marriage, the following are a few suggestions to help you decide how much time you should spend in front of your television (as well as your computer, phone, iPod, game system, etc):

• “Do you realize that every time you turn on the television [and other media], you’re choosing to NOT do something else? It’s important to choose wisely, especially if the time you have to spend with your family is limited” (Dennis Rainey, from “Communal Couch Potatoes” Real Family Life radio spot).

• Don’t watch TV mindlessly. If you’re going to watch, make it for a specific program with a specific purpose” (Dennis Rainey, from “A View of TV” Real Family Life radio spot).

• Read the on line article, “Fifteen Reasons Why I Should Unplug My TV.” It might not convince you to permanently unplug your TV, but it might help you to at least make the commitment to better LIMIT your TV viewing.

• “In our house, we have Psalm 101:3 printed out and taped to the top of our TV as a reminder while we watch. It says, ‘I will set no worthless thing before my eyes. I hate the work of those who fall away; It shall not fasten its grip on me’” (Dennis Rainey, from “No Worthless Thing“).

• We have a “No Media” night once a week where instead of plugging into any electronic media, we spend time together plugging into growing closer together in our marriage. It’s a type of “Outside Information Diet” where we let the outside world go on without our participation.

• Read the article, “How Much is Too Much TV?” and related articles at the bottom of the LifeWay web site for more tips and helpful information.

We encourage you to pray over and seriously consider this matter. We hope that the above information helps your marriage in a positive way.

Steve and Cindy Wright

I’ll share with you what we wrote to one gentleman who claims it has a “pagan” origin so he criticized us for even thinking of celebrating it. Our answer to him might give you a little insight into how we see things. We wrote:

We understand very well why you would think that Valentine’s Day could have its negative parts to it—especially if you believe it is just for “pagans.”

However, we put it in the same category as eating meat sacrificed to idols as the Bible talks about in 1 Corinthians 8 and 1 Corinthians 10:23-33. It depends upon the conviction of your heart and what you’re doing with what is offered. If you’re using it as a reason to sin, then it’s wrong. But if you’re doing it for a pure reason and it doesn’t cause another to sin, then it can be fine to do so—and even beneficial.

For every piece of research you can show us concerning how it originated as a pagan holiday, I can show you one that says it originated by some Christians or by the church. We’ve looked through the evidence many years ago and it goes in both directions. There isn’t really clear evidence, from what we can see, that we can really claim that “this is the REAL origin of this holiday.”

So we finally decided to throw away all of the original “claims” and we looked at what the Bible says about celebrating love, etc… and came to our own conclusion after a lot of prayer.

And what we finally decided is that it’s difficult to know how it originated — whether it had a pagan beginning or a religious one. There’s evidence to support both. And even if it did begin as a pagan holiday, what’s the point? The point isn’t to argue about the holiday’s origin. (Just like the point of eating the meat wasn’t the origin of what happened to it before it was presented to be eaten.)

The point is how we as a couple, who are blessed with knowing God in a personal way through Jesus Christ, are going to celebrate it—or IF we’re going to celebrate it.

Are we going to celebrate it in a “pagan” way with a “pagan” intentionality to our motives? Or are we going to look at it as a way to celebrate our Christian love for each other as husband and wife and try to get others to do the same? This holiday (whether its origin was pagan or religious) IS celebrated in many parts of the world, so it gives us a great opportunity to use it to point others to the love of Christ, which God has given us, to celebrate love as husband and wife.

We figure any reason to get people to celebrate loving one another in a way which is pure and inspirational, would have God’s blessing (and He hasn’t convicted us to do anything else). If we distorted the celebration to include doing things that oppose the Lord, then it would be wrong and God wouldn’t bless it.

We can’t tell you whether you should celebrate this day or not. That’s not for us to say. But if you don’t, we hope that you’ll find another day, and as many other opportunities as you can to celebrate your love for one another — ways in which others within your sphere of influence can see as a living testimony, the wonderful love that God has helped you and your wife to enjoy — a love that others can have for their spouses as they reach out to God, Whose very name means Love. He can help them as He has helped us and has helped you.

The Bible says, “You are a letter, written on our hearts known and read by everybody. You show that you are a letter from Christ… written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts” (2 Corinthians 3:2-3).

It also says in John 13:34-35: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

We pray that you will be “read by everybody” who you come in contact with that you have a love for your spouse that is like Christ’s love for the church (as Ephesians 5 talks about), realizing “by this all men will know that you” are a disciple of Jesus Christ, “if you have love for one another.”

If you disagree with us on this, then that will be the way it will be. But I hope this letter inspires you to love your wife both openly and in private – because that is the type of intimacy we have with Jesus Christ our Lord.

If you wonder about celebrating Valentine’s Day for some reason, I hope this addresses your question. It’s just like the situation the disciples faced with the “eating of meat.” If God convicts you not to do it, then don’t do it. But don’t criticize those who aren’t convicted in the same way who do. Celebrating love for each other in ways that display the love of God — whether it had a worldly start or not —isn’t the worse thing.

We personally celebrate Valentine’s Day by having a very quiet, candle-light dinner at home, where we make a fun, yet tasty dinner together, and then enjoy each other’s company together as husband and wife. We may or may not give each other gifts that day… it just depends. It’s just not that important to us. We pray together, thanking the Lord for the love He has helped us to have for each other. It’s simple, sweet, and romantic — nothing commercial at all!

When our children were younger we celebrated it as a family night of loving and appreciating each other —infusing laughter and a fun time together. It was a fun day that brought us closer together. And we figure any opportunity that we can take or make to celebrate enjoying each other and showing love and appreciation for each other, can’t be all bad — no matter what the world does with it! We don’t have to celebrate it in the same way. We can do things the way that God shows us.

If you had questions concerning Christians celebrating Valentine’s Day, I hope this helps answer at least part of the mystery behind this day for you.

This article was composed by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International

For those outside the U.S. how about making it a day to celebrate “just because I love you?” We do that as often as possible to make life funner and our marriage healthier to the glory of God, whose very name means LOVE.

Men, if you’re anything like me (Steve), it’s right about now that you’re hoping and wishing that someone would come along and throw you a “life preserver” (in a manner of speaking). What I’m talking about is giving you some help in getting the perfect gift for your wife this Valentines Day.

It doesn’t take long for most of us to run out of creative ideas of ways to show our wives we’re really thinking about and love them. That’s why we’re sharing an article titled “Some Valentines Tips for Mars About Venus” which we got from Smart Marriages that was written by Dr. Sheldon Walker. This (edited version) appeared in the Globe and Mail Feb 8, 2003.

Dr. Walker suggests getting in front of your computer and creating a coupon book you can print off and staple together. These coupons are designed to be cashed in by your wife. You’ve heard “it’s the thought that counts.”

Dr. Walker gives the following list of suggestions for coupons that count that can help ensure a great Valentine’s Day:

This Coupon Entitles the Bearer to:

• One half-hour of active listening about any topic the bearer chooses, with a full guarantee that no advice will be offered.

• One half-hour discussion of the state of your union.

• One half-hour of massage of any body part the bearer chooses.

• One lingering non-sexual hug.

• One bath with pre-lit candles surrounding the tub.

• One evening out alone with no home responsibilities.

• One video rental evening with a romantic movie featured.

• One half-hour talk where the bearer can give you feedback (gently, not with criticism, otherwise the coupon is invalid).

• One evening out with the bearer having total control over the choice and nature of the activity.

• One gourmet meal prepared or ordered in by you.

• One instance when you will answer the question, “What are you thinking about right now?”

• One instance where you will openly answer the question, “What are you feeling right now?”

• One stroll or walk, holding hands or arm-in-arm.

• One trip in the car where you will slow down when asked.

• One evening at home with music and slow dancing.

I think you get the gist of what this booklet should consist of. If you’re asking why do this, you’ll have to trust me when I tell you that it’s in your own best interest.

If you stop and think about how much time and energy you devote to nurturing the quality of your primary relationship, you’ll likely notice that career, children, general maintenance and other responsibilities often take precedence. Evidence is mounting that shows a quality connection with a significant other may improve cardiac health.

Simple reminders to your partner that you love her or that she appeals to you, given regularly, tend to draw your partner closer to you and lessen conflict. You’re probably aware how much conflict at home can raise blood pressure, interfere with concentration and kill sexual relations.

Many couples say that positive comments back and forth are rare, they complain of feeling taken for granted and as a result feel stressed.

Conflicts could be avoided if a reservoir of goodwill is established and fed.

When people know they are cared about, valued and listened to, they can withstand the many ups and downs associated with living. If you put time and effort into your love connection, the dividends are endless.

Should there be a similar coupon book by women? Of course—I’m focusing on men first because I’d like you to be a hero at Valentine’s, and because, generally speaking, women are more sensitive to the emotional climate in a relationship.

Romantic acts and attitudes should be part of the behavioral repertoire of both genders, but men could work harder in this area. When there’s a solid connection between couples, the quality of life increases. Great times, great sex, lots of laughs combined with a sense of closeness and belonging are a tonic for healthy living.

The above list and article is simple, yet important to encourage us to be intentional in showing love to each other, both on Valentines Day, “Just Because I Love You” Celebration Days and every day.

But to help you further, below are a few web site links to additional Crosswalk.com articles and ideas you can glean through and possibly use and learn from as well:

• VALENTINE’S DAY: Let Christ’s Love Fuel Your Marriage

• THE OPPORTUNITY OF VALENTINE’S DAY

• TAKE PRESSURE OFF THIS VALENTINE’S DAY

• CONCERNING FLOWERS: Tips from a Valentine’s Professional

• INEXPENSIVE WAYS TO HONOR SPOUSE THIS VALENTINE’S DAY

We hope this gives a “jump start” to a great Valentines Day this year. If you have any other suggestions, please pass share them in the Comment section below so we can ALL benefit from what you’ve learned.

Our love and prayers are with you as together we work to make our marriages the best they can be to the glory of God!

Steve and Cindy Wright

“I sensed Christ saying to me, ‘When you love your wife, you love me. When you care for your wife, you care for me. When you bless your wife, you bless me.” …”As you give to your spouse, even when you are hurting, you become a conduit for God’s glory in your relationship.” …”I believe that when we meet the needs of our spouse, Christ gets even more out of our relationship than we do!” (Dr David Ferguson)

The above statement is a conclusion that Dr Ferguson wrote about, after God dealt with him, concerning the way he was interacting with his wife. He never understood the connection between what Jesus was stating in Matthew 25:40-46, and how he should treat his wife, until that time.

In essence, the Lord was telling David (and us as well) that when we give of ourselves to our spouse, we’re also giving of ourselves to God, and we’re bringing pleasure to His heart as well —magnifying God’s glory in our relationship.

For the rest of this message, we’d like to share with you a portion of the terrific book, “Never Alone” (which unfortunately, is no longer in publication), written by David and Teresa Ferguson. Relating to the above topic, David writes:

One area my wife and I have clashed over repeatedly in our marriage is our traveling. Whenever we leave on a trip, Teresa insists that we get to the airport early, giving plenty of time to park and get to the gate a full hour before our scheduled departure.

I take a much more casual approach, figuring that if the plane is supposed to leave at 9 A.M., we don’t need to be there until 8:55 to walk on and sit down. (This was obviously written before 9/11 and the changes that have come about as a result.) To me, an hour lingering in the airport boarding area is an hour of productive time wasted. So every trip renewed this conflict.

For years I argued with Teresa about what I regarded as her paranoid approach to travel. But all my logic did nothing to meet her need, and the unresolved conflict and pain hindered our intimacy.

As I began to welcome Christ as my colleague and companion in loving Teresa, God began to speak to me about this issue. Our dialogue might be characterized by something like this, based on what he was teaching me from Matthew 25:40:

Jesus: “I needed to get to the airport early, but you would not take me.”

David: “Lord, when did you need to get to the airport early and I did not take you?”

Jesus: “Every time you ignored Teresa’s need for security and failed to get her to the airport early, you did it to me.”

God’s convicting word to my heart produced a sense of brokenness. Not only had I hurt and disappointed my wife by failing to love her as she needed to be loved, I had hurt and disappointed the Savior. I began to see the issue differently. I wondered if my effort to get to the airport would not only bless my dearest one but in some mysterious way even bless our God.

“This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard, God,” I thought. “We don’t have to be at the airport so early. The plane won’t leave without us. If our luggage gets lost, they’ll find it and deliver it to us. It’s no big deal. But if this is the path to loving Teresa and blessing you I guess I should head that way even though it seems like a waste of time.”

So we started leaving for the airport when Teresa wanted to leave. We were able to park, check in at the gate, and get our boarding passes in plenty of time. Teresa was thrilled, and I sensed God’s pleasure in simply giving to meet her need. But as I sat down in the boarding area for up to an hour, at times it still felt as if I was wasting valuable ministry time.

But something glorious began to happen. God took those hours in the airport and began to transform them into some of the sweetest times of insight, wonder, and worship I have ever experienced. A great deal of the biblical revelation I have shared recently in conferences and training sessions came to me while sitting in airports.

There was something wonderfully mysterious about it, as if the Lord was saying, “You thought this would be wasted time. But you gave of yourself to meet Teresa’s need. And by allowing her more time at the airport, you and I have more time at the airport. By your glorifying me through giving, I let my glory overflow to you.”

David continued to share other great insights but at the conclusion of this chapter David wrote,

God desires glory out of your marriage: the glory of giving to meet needs, the glory of unconditional love, and the glory of faith. But even if you’re struggling and discouraged in your marriage because your needs are not being fully met, God can still receive glory in your marriage when you glorify Him in the midst of your troubles. As you lift up your heart to give thanks, praise, and adoration to God even when your marriage is less than you desire, He is glorified.

And the more you express gratitude and praise for His faithfulness, caring love, compassion, and power, the more your faith will increase and be strengthened.

We couldn’t have said it better. Somehow, we often fail to treat our spouse with the same courtesy that we treat our neighbor, co-worker, or even a stranger. In Mark 12:30-31, it is recorded that when asked the question “of all the commandments, which is the most important,” Jesus said, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.“

The question we want to ask you (and challenge ourselves with as well) is: do you think that God wants us to treat our “neighbor” and our co-workers better than our spouse — the one who is to be our marriage partner to whom we are to “cleave to as one?”

Pray and think about it and ask God to show you what you can specifically do in the future to better honor God and love your spouse as He does. If He shows you that you owe your spouse an apology for any past hurtful behavior, please do so. Showing love and preference to your spouse is a way of showing love and preference to your God.

May God bless as you work to make your marriage the best it can be, to the glory of God. 
Steve and Cindy Wright

(The following insightful article about marriage, titled, “The Leah and Rachel Deception,” appeared on a Jewish email list that was sent to us by Smart Marriages.com. This is an edited version —to read this article in its entirety go to www.smartmarriages.com. As they say, “If you aren’t Jewish or a person who studies the Bible, there might be a few words you won’t understand, but trust us, this applies to all marriages, Jewish, Christian, or other!” The message is POWERFUL!)

The author, Yosef Y. Jacobson writes:

It’s difficult not to sympathize with the patriarch, Jacob, who becomes the victim of a last minute switch by his father-in-law, who tricks him into marrying the wrong woman (See Genesis 29). Laban had 2 daughters, Leah and Rachel. “Leah had weak eyes, while Rachel was shapely and beautiful.” Jacob loved Rachel and he offered to work 7 years for her.

When the 7 years were up, Laban substituted Leah for Rachel on the night of the wedding. Jacob discovered the deception only after he’d consummated the marriage with Leah. Jacob accepted his fate and remained with Leah. But he later also married Rachel, the bride of his choice, “and he loved Rachel more than Leah.”

Yet, at the end, it was Leah who became Jacob’s primary wife. Rachel died at a young age; so that most of Jacob’s married life was actually spent with Leah. In addition to this, it was Leah who mothered most of Jacob’s children, the future tribes of Israel and it was she, not Rachel, who ultimately was buried with Jacob in Hebron.

Why did this marriage—the marriage that formed the foundation of the Jewish nation, the marriage that produced every single Jew living since—have to come about in such an appalling manner? And why did Jacob have to go through this absurd experience?

The Veil: There’s a custom practiced during Jewish weddings known as the “bedeken,” or the veiling. Before the wedding ceremony, the groom goes to the room where his bride is sitting on a throne and he covers her face with a veil. Her face remains covered during the entire chupah ceremony.

One of the traditional explanations for this custom is that it commemorates the event that occurred during Jacob’s wedding ceremony. Since Jacob’s bride was veiled, he didn’t realize that he was marrying the wrong woman. But if that’s the reason, shouldn’t the custom be that the groom uncovers his bride’s face to make sure that he’s marrying the bride of his choice? Why are we commemorating at each of our weddings this terrible episode that occurred to poor Jacob?

War and Peace: In the writings of kabbalah, Leah and Rachel represent two dimensions existing in each of our spouses, women and men alike. Rachel, “the shapely and beautiful sister,” embodies the attractive, charming and romantic features of our spouse. In fact, in Hebrew Rachel means “ewe,” an animal characterized by its bright white color and its serene and lovable nature.

Leah, a name that literally means “one, who is weary,” represents those elements in our spouse that are more complicated, perplexing and disturbing. Leah, the weak-eyed sister, weakened from tears and anxiety, embodies our continuous and exhausting struggle with the dark demons and ugly impulses in our lives.

Thus, in Chassidic writings Rachel is associated with the tzaddik-personality, while Leah is associated with the baal-teshuvah (the penitent) figure. The tzaddik is the pure and sacred human being, reflecting the harmony and goodness of his creator. The baal-teshuvah, on the other hand, embodies the tumultuous individual who must continuously battle the negative urges and destructive habits rooted in his or her psyche.

The drama that occurred at the wedding of the father of the Jewish people occurs at almost every wedding. When you get married, you may think that you’re marrying Rachel: the comely, perfect and fictitious spouse that you chose in your dreams. But in reality, you’re bound to discover that you ended up with Leah, a human being possessing layers of unresolved wounds and tension.

Initially you may love and appreciate only the Rachel dimension of your marriage partner and despise the Leah part of that individual, yet as life progresses you’ll come to discover that it’s precisely the Leah dimension of your spouse, more than anything else, that was always meant for your soul. Because it’s the shortcomings and imperfections of your spouse that challenge you to transcend your ego and become the person you are capable of being.

Creating a Space: That’s the secret behind the veiling. When the groom veils his bride, he’s essentially stating that “I will love and respect not only the ‘you’ who is presently visible to me, but also the ‘you’ that is still concealed from me and might emerge only later. I’m committed not just to the ‘Rachel’ in you, but also to the ‘Leah’ in you.” “As I bond with you in marriage,” the groom is saying, “I’m creating a space within me to accept and nurture the totality of your being.”

Well, did you gain some new insight into a very familiar story? We sure did. This story reinforces a truth we once heard: “People are not what we wish them to be or what they seem to be. They are what they are.”

May we see our spouse and love our spouse as God does! As we’re told in 1 Samuel 16:6-7, “…The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” — which should be an example to us all.

“Be imitators of God. as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:1-2).

May we never forget to make it our mission to join God in expressing His love to our spouse! It’s a mission field He’s entrusting to our care.

To understand this a little clearer, please click onto the article written by Pastor Rick Warren, “The Purpose-Driven Marriage” …and may God help you to see your spouse and your marriage as He does, and desires for you, as well.

Steve and Cindy Wright

Originally, this message was titled, Why Women Leave Men, but in re-thinking this message it seems sensible to address why the “leaving” is happening on both the wives and the husband’s parts. Of course this message can’t be all inclusive, but hopefully it will shed light for some who are in the dark and promote good discussion — particularly in the comment section below this message.

Why do husbands and wives leave marriages they promised to be in for the rest of their lives? It’s simple — because they can. Sometimes leaving seems easier than staying committed and working things out. And lets face it, it’s easier to divorce in today’s world.

So, as we look at this subject, please understand we are going to address this in “general” terms as it will apply to MOST husbands and wives. We understand there are exceptions. And as you read this, first pray and ask God to show you what YOU should get from this and APPLY to your own life and marriage.

If you ask a woman why a wife would leave her marriage she’ll give answers like:

• “She feels lonely and abandoned”…
• “The only time he pays attention to her is when he wants something” (and we all know what the “something” is)…
• “He’s having an affair either emotionally,viewing pornography or physically…
• “She feels disconnected — that he doesn’t include her in important matters, or even unimportant matters”…
• “That he seems to care more about other things like TV than he does about her”

And the list goes on and on and on. But most of the reasons had to do with feelings and emotions.

Now, when you ask a man why a husband would leave his marriage, our first response is usually a blank stare followed by the words, “I dunno.” At least that was my first response. But I (Steve) was curious — I wanted to see what the “experts” had to say about the reasons men give for leaving their wives.

As I did an Internet search on this topic I discovered two things: First, there’s not much that addresses this side of the problem. And second, what I could find pretty much summed it all up in three categories:

1. Boredom. This is often expressed when he says, “I simply fell out of love” or something along that line…
2. Cheating. The husband discovers his wife is having an affair or he’s having an affair…
3. Other. This category is a “catch-all” for a number of different reasons men have given. These would include feeling disrespected or emasculated, mental problems, physical or sexual problems, child-bearing issues, personal habits, financial problems, etc.

Because we hear from so many husbands whose wives have left (and they don’t understand, “why”) and from so many wives who say they’re “fed up” and are about ready to walk out or have already left, we want to give you some insight from Dr. Willard Harley in a helpful article he wrote called, “Why Women Leave Men.” And while this focuses on the issue from a wife’s angle, you can see a husband’s perspective as well. Our prayer is that God will help us ALL learn from what Dr. Harley shares.

Harley writes,

“Each day I’m confronted by women who are extremely frustrated with their marriages. Usually, they express no hope that their husbands will ever understand what it is that frustrates them—let alone change enough to solve the problem. From their perspective, marital problems are created by their husbands who do little or nothing to solve them. Wives tend to see themselves as the major force for resolving conflicts, and when they give up their effort, the marriage is usually over.

“When I talk to their husbands, they usually have a different explanation as to why their wives feel the way they do. They often feel that the expectations of women in general and their wives in particular, have grown completely out of reach. These men, who feel that they’ve made a gigantic effort to be caring and sensitive to their wives, get no credit whatsoever for their sizable contribution to the family. They feel under enormous pressure to improve their financial support, improve the way they raise their children, and improve the way they treat their wives. Many men I see are emotionally exhausted and fell that for all their effort, they get nothing but criticism.

“Men’s perceived failure to satisfy their wives is punctuated by the fact that women file for divorce twice as much as men. In other words, their unhappiness with marriage often results in divorce. The most common reason women give for leaving their husband’s is ‘mental cruelty.’ When legal grounds for divorce are stated, about half report they’ve been emotionally abused. But the mental cruelty they describe is rarely the result of their husbands efforts to drive them crazy. It’s usually husbands being indifferent, failing to communicate and demonstrating forms of neglect.

“When all forms of spousal neglect are grouped together, we find it’s far ahead of all other reasons combined that women leave men. Surprisingly few women divorce because of physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, criminal behavior, or other serious grounds. In fact, I find myself bewildered by women in serious physical danger refusing to leave the men that threaten their safety. Simply stated, women leave men when they’re neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all reasons women leave and divorce men.”

Harley continues,

“…Some of the most common complaints I hear from women is, “He ignores me except when he wants sex, he sits and watches television when he could be talking to me, he rarely calls to see how I’m doing, he hurts my feelings and never apologizes; Instead, he tells me I’m too sensitive.” Most husbands are mystified by these complaints. They feel their wives demand too much, and that most other women would be ecstatic to be married to them. Their wives have become spoiled, take their efforts for granted and have unrealistic expectations.

“Do women expect too much from their husbands or are men doing less for their wives than they should?” (To continue to read more of this article and solutions Dr Harley gives, please click onto “Why Women Leave Men.”)

Cindy and I answer Harley’s question with a “Yes and Yes!” We have found that both husbands and wives come into marriage with unrealistic (and often, unexpressed) expectations which set them up later for big problems as illustrated above. It’s not difficult to “trash” your marriage, as you can read in the following article “Trash Your Marriage” (which will also give you ways to ways to clean it up).

At one time or another in our nearly 38 years of marriage we’ve both been guilty of much of what Dr. Harley described. Cindy would readily admit that she expected too much from me and, sadly, I was neglectful of many of her needs, not realizing how important they were to her.

To us, the bigger question relating to this subject is, “How can we change the pattern of divorce that is so pervasive in the Christian church today?” I think we found an answer simply stated in this quote from Walt Henrichsen in his devotional titled, Thoughts From The Diary Of A Desperate Man:

“You can do two things that most people cannot resist, love and serve them. Loving and serving is a ministry and you do not need special gifts to do it.”

Think about that this week. It goes with the scriptures,

“You were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other” (Galatians 5:13-15).

And how much closer of a neighbor can you get than a spouse? So, how can you love and serve each other? If you want or need some help, make marriage your marriage your mission and look around our web site  to see what you can find that will help you. Be intentional in working to make your marriage the best it can be.

Also, here’s another article by Dr Harley that you might read through and apply to your marriage: “Fall in Love, Stay in Love.”

And go into the Romantic Ideas section read the articles, “100 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife HER Way,” and “100 Ways to Show Love to Your Husband HIS Way.” You might find it could help you come up with ideas to love and serve your spouse as God intends.

Steve and Cindy Wright

“This is not to suggest that children and parents should cut off their relationship under the guise of leaving and cleaving. But your primary human relationship now is with your spouse, not your parents. Your commitment to God comes first; then your bond to your spouse, then to any children you might have, then to your family of origin, and then to extended family and friends” (Sandra Lundberg, from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage).

This also doesn’t mean we stop honoring our family members. The importance they still have in our spouse’s heart shouldn’t be underestimated. But the influential role they once held in our decisions is to change.

If this hasn’t been the case in your marriage up to this point, this can be a time of “NEW BEGINNINGS” in your relationship with your spouse and his or her family “from this day forward” where you make the necessary changes and stand by them together. With this in mind, we hope you will prayerfully consider the following thoughts, from an article titled “In Laws or Out Laws,” written by Dr Randy Carlson www.theintentionallife.com. He writes:

“Lately on [our radio program], I’ve been hearing from more people than ever about the difficulties they’re having in their marriages dealing with their mothers-in-law or fathers-in-law. The complaints vary. For one caller, it’s his father-in-law that’s showing favoritism for one grandchild over the other. Another person gets angry because her mother-in-law is always trying to control her husband.

“For many couples, it’s the in-laws that simply won’t let go of their children and let them grow up. They constantly give unwanted advice on parenting, finances—even church. And then there’s the concern about in-laws who are not believers, who are having a negative influence on their grandchildren.

“Whatever the circumstance, the way to overcome the conflict is through communication. But far too often, the husband or wife is afraid to confront their parents, or worse yet, just prefer to sweep the problems under the rug and pretend they don’t exist.

“In the meantime, resentment and anger builds to the point that the easiest solution is just to stay away from the meddling in-laws, thereby depriving their children of an important and foundational family relationship —their grandparents.

“Here are three practical tips to help you deal with your in-law outlaws in a way that will glorify God and move your family toward healing, closeness and renewed trust.

1. “Your in-laws are not the enemy: Couples need to start with a little self-analysis. If you see your in-laws as the enemy, you’ll never get anywhere with them. No matter how troublesome they seem, you need to take the lead in working toward solving the problems.

“One thing that might help is to remember that your mother or father-in law is different from your parents. You cannot compare the two, because in most cases your in-laws will come up short. Therefore, you need to get to know them for who they are, not for what you want them to be.

2. “The biological connection: If a wife has a problem with her husband’s parents, it is the responsibility of the husband to bring that issue before his parents—no matter how uncomfortable that may be. Truth is, the biological child will generally carry more credibility with his or her own parents, and should discern how to best communicate with them. It is then vital that the biological husband or wife lovingly but firmly defends his or her spouse and family.

3. “Stay unified: Finally, couples need to be 100 per cent unified in their communication with their in-laws. It’s important for the mother or father-in-law to sense that there is no way they can possibly use their parental influence on their own child to try and drive a wedge in their marriage or in their role as parents.

“How can you do this while keeping the Biblical command to, ‘Honor your father and mother?’ By understanding and then communicating God’s design for families as established in the second chapter of Genesis. ‘A man will leave his father and mother,’ verse 24 says, ‘and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.’

“When you marry, you are to ‘leave’ your parental home and ‘cleave’ to your spouse and build a new home—with rules, expectations and goals set by you, not your parents. As a couple, you set clear boundaries regarding how you will maintain your relationship with your in-laws, and how you will communicate this to them.

“In fact, it’s best to do this when you’re engaged so that the expectations of both you and your in-laws are established before marriage and parenting enters the picture.

“Special relationship dynamics do exist when your in-laws are not believers in Christ. First, you must remember that it is still vitally important to nurture your relationship with your unsaved in-laws, especially when grandchildren are involved. But, as a couple, you need to stay sensitive to spiritual issues.

“If your non-Christian in-laws are prone to use obscene language, live a carnal lifestyle, or try to directly influence you and your children against Christian beliefs, you need to step in and address the situation as lovingly as you can.

“Your goal here is not to change your in-laws, but to get them to alter their behavior as needed to protect your children and marriage as you see fit. But in extreme cases, where the mother- or father-in-law is an alcoholic, addicted to drugs, or is violent, you must draw the line to safeguard your family. Be sure to also communicate to your children what is happening with their grandparents and encourage them to pray for the situation.

“In-law parents and grandparents are important members of your family. Even though your marriage and role as parents is now the priority, wise couples will do everything they can to ensure they have a long and healthy relationship with their in-laws. Communication is the key to making that happen.”

To help you further on this issue, we have numerous articles, quotes, testimonies, and available comment sections dedicated to “Dealing with Parents” and “In Laws” posted on this web site.

Plus, below there are several links to web site articles which you may want to read that could help you further with this issue:

• WHEN FATHER-IN-LAW DOESN’T KNOW BEST

• HOW TO MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW

• DEVELOPING INTERGENERATIONAL LOVE

We hope all of this helps you to set your marriage in God’s order.
Cindy and Steve Wright

“Ever since the Internet has become a regular part of the human experience, cyberspace has been implicated as an accomplice in online affairs, real life adultery, and the break-up marriages. With every new online fad have come the stories of spouses wandering away from their marriage to a new cyber love interest.  Media has spotlighted tales and trends of online affairs starting through chat rooms, MySpace, Second Life, websites and online forums. Is Facebook, the world’s fastest growing online social network, just another in a long list of cyber threats to your marriage?

“Having been active Facebook users for a while and experiencing the good, the bad, and the ugly of participating in an online social network, we recognize there are potential threats to your relationship.  But the ultimate threat is not the latest technology … it is the choices you make online and offline … in cyberspace and real life” (K Jason Krafsky).

To that we say AMEN, AMEN, and AMEN! And we include cell phone and Internet use on that poor choices list.

There’s an article written on a computer web site that tells of some of the divorces going on because of Facebook and other internet “community” choices that spouses are making. You might find it helpful to read what’s going on concerning this area of our married lives. Please click onto the following web site link to read:

• MARRIAGE ON THE ROCKS? Better Stay Off Facebook

We can’t even BEGIN to tell you the number of related emails, testimonies, and postings on the Marriage Missions web site that we’ve heard and read where spouses are crying and screaming out because of the choices their partners are making which are destroying their marriages. It’s almost at epidemic proportions. Most of these are good Christians who put a toe in the pool of temptation and then eventually dive in completely, afterward confessing, “I/we never meant for this to happen.” Yet it did and it does. And as a result innocent hearts are breaking.

This is a wake up call, we MUST protect our marriages from the sneakiness and secrecy that is going on, centering around Internet and cell phones, that is destroying relationships everywhere. We can’t ignore that which is so insidious and pervasive!

In the great article, “Is Facebook a Cyber Threat to Your Marriage” by Jason and Kelli Krafsky, Jason tells how his own “home was devastated by sexual morality” when he was a young boy, which motivated him to set boundaries in his own life “to protect” his future marriage. He and his wife have live by those and additional principles to establish “personal boundaries as a part of everyday life with friends, co-workers, clients, and extended family members” to safeguard that which is most important to them.

Steve and I pledged years ago and work hard to do the same. Our marriage is too important to us and to God to do any less. You’ll find several articles on this web site in the “Extramarital Affair” and “Emotional Infidelity” sections that can help you to do the same as well as recommended resources such as the book “ Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It” by Jerry Jenkins.

In the above mentioned article, Jason and Kelli also wrote,

“In the final book of the Old Testament, Malachi 2 talks about setting up a protective perimeter around the covenant relationship, ‘And what does he want from marriage? Children of God, that’s what. So guard the spirit of marriage within you. Don’t cheat on your spouse. ‘I hate divorce’ says the God of Israel… ‘I hate the violent dismembering the ‘one flesh’ of marriage.’ So watch yourselves. Don’t let your guard down. Don’t cheat’ (The Message).

“One of the boundaries we set up as a perimeter around our relationship is that neither of us will be alone with someone of the opposite sex. Not because we’re worried about the other cheating, but to avoid the appearance of impropriety or being caught in a potential he said/she said situation. We’ve heard too many stories of how an accusation (some true, some false) has tarnished a reputation or ended a career. Being active Facebookers, we’ve adopted our real life set of boundaries for our online world with Facebook friends.”

Jason then went on to give “Five Ways to Diffuse the Cyber Threats to Your Marriage.” There is more in the article but here is his shortened list:

“(1) Set Safeguards With Your Mate – Discuss with your mate: What FaceBook friends and groups are inbounds or out-of-bounds?
(2) Don’t Post Negative Things About Your Spouse
(3) Choose Your Friends Wisely
(4) Play it Smart With Who You Talk About What With
(5) If in Doubt, De-friend Them.” Great boundaries!”

There are additional rules that can help you safeguard your marriage. Because as Chris Gersten states,

“The Internet can pose a significant threat to any relationship if misused. The Internet has led to a dramatic increase in use of pornography, which can become habitual, even addictive behavior that will have a negative impact on your own relationship with your partner. In addition, the Internet allows individuals to make contact with strangers and encourages inappropriate intimacy.”

To read more and veiw a “set of rules” that can help couples “avoid the trauma that comes from discovering hidden relationships and porn use on the computer” please click onto the web site link to read:

• INTERNET RULES FOR COUPLES

In another article titled, “Our Top Dozen Do’s and Don’ts for Facebooking Couples” which Jason and Kelli Krafsky posted on their web site, they give the following list (with added details in their article):

“What Every Facebooking Couple Should DO to Protect Their Marriage:

•  Create boundaries to protect yourself, your spouse and your marriage.
•  Set your relationship status to Married and keep it that way. 
•  Update each other on your FaceBook Friends and Friend Requests. 
•  Share your username and password with one another.
•  Make your spouse the topic of your Status Updates at least once a week.
•  Be Prepared to talk offline about online issues.”

And then there is:

“What Every Facebooking Couple Should NOT DO to Protect Their Marriage:

•  (DON’T) Write cutting remarks or negative statements about your spouse.
•  (DON’T) Friend exes, old flames, past flings, former crushes or anyone you’ve been intimate with in the past.
•  (DON’T) Lose track of how much time you spend on Facebook.
•  (DON’T) Report that you or your spouse is out of town.
•  (DON’T) Have private Chat sessions with people of the opposite sex.
•  (DON’T) Let Facebook be a distraction during your time with your mate.”

As you look at the lists above most all of these principles can be applied to other Internet and Cell Phone activities in various ways. “Create boundaries to protect yourself, your spouse and your marriage.” It’s the secrecy matter and the poor choices that spouses are making in HOW they use their time and WITH WHOM, which threatens peace and sanctity in marriages today.

“Thanks to cell phones, we can always reach out and touch someone. But, is that touch a caress or a slap? When we need them, cell phones can literally be a lifesaver. At other times, they create an unwelcome interruption” (Lynn Jordan).

Isn’t that true? Cell phones can be a helpful or a disruptive communication tool. You can use them to connect with your spouse (where you call, text, or email each other as additional ways to show you’re thinking about him or her). Cell phones can also become problematic and can become a device that causes you to disconnect with each other (where feelings such as “you aren’t paying attention to me” or “you prefer spending more time on your phone instead of with me” can arise).

And then there’s the whole “private” thing where calls can be made and/or taken in secrecy. Some spouses keep cell phones to themselves, warning that they’re “off limits” to their mate (or they purchase them without letting their wife/husband know so secrecy and falling into or deliberately giving into sexual temptation is easier).

This type of behavior is a HUGE red flag that something is wrong in the marriage. If a spouse doesn’t have anything to hide, he or she won’t need to hide anything. Cell phone and computer privacy shouldn’t be an issue for a couple that are supposed to “be one.” Jesus makes this point when he said,

“‘Haven’t you read,’ he replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate’” (Matthew 19:4-6).

So, with that in mind, so you don’t “separate” that which God joined together when you married and you build a marriage where each of you shows you are a trustworthy partner, the following is good advice:

“There are many steps couples can take to shield their marriage from secrecy and infidelity, Mr [Willard] Harley told me recently. For instance, couples should have each other’s cell-phone and e-mail information ‘at their disposal.’ If there already has been an infidelity problem, a couple should review e-mails together before erasing the, he said. ‘Trust, to me, is earned, not assumed.’” (Cheryl Wetzstein, from the July, 26,2009 Washington Times article “Trust and the Kitchen Sink”)

Again, we refer to something Jason Krafsky wrote:

“Keep in mind the words from Hebrews 13, ‘Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband. God draws a firm line against casual and illicit sex” (The Message). “While Facebook is becoming one of the most popular gathering places on the Internet, it doesn’t have to be a threat to your marriage [and neither do cell phones]. Marriages are vulnerable to all kinds of online and real-life threats because the couples have failed to set up proper boundaries of protection and accountability.

“And while nothing is completely foolproof, these principles are practical tips to help you protect your most important and cherished relationship. Ultimately, it is up to you to make good decisions and wise choices and to have open lines of communication with your mate …whether you’re online or not.”

If you’re considering marriage, PLEASE discuss this issue NOW to make sure you’re both in agreement as far as the boundaries you will put into place to protect your marriage. Marriage is to be a lifetime commitment lived together with God, so make sure you’re uniting yourself with an honorable partner who will openly work together with you in this mission.

And if you’re already married, PLEASE try to work with your spouse to protect your relationship now while you can, if you can. Bring things out into the open and keep them there. Trouble grows in darkness and secrecy. It can be the enemy of our faith’s playground.

If your spouse WON’T work with you to protect your marriage and stop secrecy, pray, pray, pray and keep asking God for wisdom. You do and will need the help and guidance of our Wonderful Counselor, the Holy Spirit.

“May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!” (Romans 15:5-6)

May God bless you in this mission,
Cindy and Steve Wright

That’s a question we’ve been asked many times here at Marriage Missions because of the “ripping and tearing” that many have experienced after their other “half” dies.

So to help you in whatever way we can —knowing that this will be a very painful journey that no one, except those who have traveled this road as well, can truly understand, below is what we have found. Below is a portion of a letter written to a widow that reached out to us for help. We pray God will use it to minister to your heart as well, and below it, we will include links to additional articles posted on the internet as well:

I’m so sorry to hear of the death of your husband. I can’t even imagine how difficult that must be for you to get beyond this — especially at this stage in your grieving. My heart cries with yours over the pain you must be feeling so deeply inside.

I wish I could do more than what I can for you, but as far as sending you some things that might help you in some way, I did some research and came up with a few things that I pray will minister to you. The first is a web site that you might want to visit if you have access to the Internet (which I hope you do). Here is a description of the web site:

•  Griefnet.org Their groups operate 24-hours/day, 365 days/year to help those who are grieving with the loss of a spouse, child, parent, friend, and other unique losses.  Members participate when they wish and are able to, not at a set time.  When one member of a group sends an email message to the group, everyone in the group receives a copy. This allows many people to respond with love and caring to the thoughts and feelings of an individual, day and night, year-round. Since 1994 these groups have helped thousands of people around the world deal safely with their grief.

Also, having lost my husband Steve’s dad just recently I’ve been reading a lot on grieving. Most of all it seems that those of us who have lost a loved one, need to do whatever it takes to get through every moment, celebrating the happy moments we had with our loved one and crying when we can (because tears are cleansing and healing). It’s also important to look for ways to get through the tough times with our heads held as high as we can. God will give you strength as you keep looking to Him and praying that He will be your husband (as He promised to those who are widows).

I did some searching for you and the following are various quotes I came across from author Martha Whitmore Hickman that might help you in some way:

• “In case we’re feeling driven to somehow ‘get done with’ our grieving (if I do it faster, maybe I’ll feel better sooner), let us be reminded that, as in many of life’s profoundest experiences—making love, eating, and drinking—faster is not necessarily better. Perhaps the thing about grieving is that the process will not be cheated. It will take as much time as it needs. Our task is to be attentive when the messages of mind and memory come. If we let them go by unattended the first time, they’ll probably cost more in the long run.”

• “Sometimes it’s the last thing in the world we feel like doing—getting out and being physically active. Aside from the effort it takes to get up and move, who cares whether we keep our body in good working order anyway? This is one of the times when thinking has to overcome feeling. We know exercise is ‘good for us.’ It’s hard to continue to feel depressed when muscles are working vigorously, when we’re paying attention to covering ground or swimming through water.

“As we release physical energy in these rhythmic motions, part of the energy of grief rides away, too. Part of the psychic value of such activity, I suspect, is that we’re witnessing our own competence, our ability to move rhythmically, to be ‘in charge’ of our bodies. Our sense of self-confidence will spread. Maybe we won’t be forever captive to grief after all. The physical invigoration of exercise invigorates our spirits as well.”

• “Sometimes we’re unconsciously fearful that if we begin to move away from our grief, we’ll lose what contact we have with the one we miss so much… Perhaps the relinquishing of our most intense grief makes a space into which a new relationship with the loved one can move. It’s the person, after all, whom we want, not the grief.”

• “May I hold my grief lightly in my hand so it can lift away from me. My connection to the one I’ve lost is inviolate; it cannot be broken.”

• “It’s a costly wisdom, and God knows we would not have asked for it. But it’s also true that coming through a great sorrow can make us stronger, and teach us what’s really important. But to survive the death of a loved one is no guarantee of greater wisdom. We can also become embittered, reclusive, and grasping. But if we can weather the storm, we’ll have a better sense of who we are and what we want most in life. And we’ll learn to savor and cherish cool water, sunshine and wind, the smell of roses—and the love and friendship we have now.”

• “Guess what? What women have known for a long time and maybe men are beginning to discover—crying really does make you feel better—and for good reason. Now we’re learning that crying has helpful physiological as well as psychological effects. Researchers at the University of Minnesota have found that emotional tears (as opposed to those shed from exposure to the wind, say, or a cut onion) contain two important chemicals, Leucine-Enkephalin and Prolactin, and that the first of these is thought to be related to one of the body’s natural pain-relieving substances.

“Tears are, they tell us, an exocrine substance—like sweat, or exhaled air—and one of the functions of such processes is to help cleanse the body of substances that accumulate under stress. Then why are we embarrassed by our tears? Why are we fearful they’ll make others uncomfortable? Often, when people cry, the work of healing can begin.”

• “No more apologies. No more uneasiness. My tears are for my healing. Perhaps, too, my tears will give others permissions to cry when they feel the need.”

• “One of the things so astonishing and costly losing a loved one is that, while the sun continues to rise and set, newspapers continue to be delivered, traffic lights still change from red to green and back again, our whole life is turned around, turned upside down. Is it any wonder we feel disoriented and confused? Yet the people we pass on the street are going about their business as though no one’s world has been shaken to the core, as though earth has not opened and swallowed us up, dropped us into a world of insecurity and change.

“It is, as Emily Dickinson says, ‘a new road’ —for us as surely as for the one we have lost. It will take us time to learn to walk that road. Time, and a lot of help, so we don’t stumble and fall irretrievably. Those who have had their own experiences of loss will probably be our most helpful guides—knowing when to say the right word, when to be silent and walk beside us, when to reach out and take our hand. In time, we’ll be helpers for others.”

• “Sometimes we berate ourselves: Why are we not doing better? Particularly if we’re people with any pretense to faith, why can we not muster the resources of faith and be a model of calm acceptance and inner serenity? It’s because we’re human beings and we’re hurting. No one worth his or her salt is going to think less of us if we acknowledge the shattering pain this loss has brought.

“People may conceivably hold us in some kind of awe if we exhibit an unnatural calm, but they’ll feel closer to us (and better able to deal with their own grief when their time comes) if they sense we’re being honest. We need to let the grief flow through us even as we try to be aware of the ongoing life around us. Sometimes it’s a matter of precisely that—letting the grief flow through us. It’s an act of the utmost courage.”

• “I will not further burden myself by trying to fit some image of a ‘model griever.’ The strength I have is the strength to be myself.”

• “Change is the order of life, yet how we resist it. Sometimes, looking back, we see that only by letting go were we able to move on to the new adventures, new insights and satisfactions. A widow, who had lived in her husband’s shadow, doing the dutiful wife-and-mother things, emerged after his death as a featured speaker at many church and civic gatherings. She said to me once, ‘Isn’t it a shame I had to wait until he died before I began to come into my own?’

“We live our lives in chapters. What was right for her in the early years of her marriage was obviously not suitable in her later years. Nor would she have wanted to consign home and children to someone else’s care when her children were small. There is consolation in knowing that change, even difficult change, brings surprising gifts. Though the thought may be unappealing to us now, let’s not shut the door too soon on something good that could be waiting for us in the next room.”

“I will keep my eyes open. Something surprising and good may happen tomorrow—or the day after.”

Also, the following are quotes from the book, “Will I Ever Be Whole Again?” by Sandra Aldrich (who wrote what she learned after she was widowed). Even though we include several quotes in this article from the book, we HIGHLY recommend that you obtain it (preview or purchase this book now). There are many, many other statements and points and stories included in the book that will weave all of these statements together:

• “Our brains often move slowly as we try to absorb bad news.”

• “I’m convinced that our bodies are constructed in such a way that we must grieve. And if we aren’t allowed to grieve appropriately, we will express it inappropriately, often through anger or depression. …Bereavement is the time after a major loss. The outer signs, such as wearing black or having annual memorial services—such as the Ethiopians do—are set by societies.

• “Grief is an emotional response and can stay with us for years. But a thin line exists between grieving the loss of someone we love and grieving the way our life has turned out. We all know people who display grief so intensely even years after a death that they’re difficult to be around since they are convinced no one has suffered as they have.”

• “During the year I worked on a funeral-home counseling team with Dr John Canine, a Detroit area grief therapist, part of my job was to encourage new widows. Of course I knew the widows’ pain all too well, but while I agreed that [my husband] Don’s death was an amputation, I had decided it didn’t always have to bleed. Most women found comfort in my soothing, ‘It may always hurt, but it won’t always hurt this much.’”

• “The grieving process may be complicated by the individual situation, but the intensity with which we grieve often depends on a combination of four variables: the closeness of the relationship, and whether the death was sudden, premature, or violent. Any one of these characteristics means intense sorrow, but with each additional grief intensifier, our emotional pain deepens.”

• “Suicide, war, murder, accident, devastating disease. Death often is absolutely senseless and even my refuge of the sovereignty of God doesn’t offer a satisfactory explanation. How tired our heavenly Father must be of our blaming Him for the consequences of human decisions! I’ve finally settled on this: Our only choice in the midst of tragedy isn’t whether we’ll go through it, but how. Only the Lord’s presence offers comfort —and the hope that we will see our loved ones again.”

• “I truly believe that God in His re-creative way can bring His good out of our pain, but I also believe that we have to be willing to see the good that is created. But how do we accomplish that when the loss is so senseless? Granted, sometimes the victories are small by themselves, and it’s only in the comparison of how we used to be that the miracle is seen. I’m convinced that even the most tragic loss ultimately can be turned into good —if we allow it to be.”

• “The loss through death will always be an amputation, but it does not always have to bleed.”

• “Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross found that the dying work through five basic stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. We know that the families of the terminally ill go through these stages too. But after the death, the griever faces additional challenges through numbness, searching, disorientation, and resolution.”

• “Numbness can last from just a few hours to several weeks. Everything seems to move in slow motion, causing the grievers to feel as though they are in a bad dream or walking through a fog. As the numbness begins to fade, the intense grief of this early stage may produce chest pains or feelings of suffocation.”

• “Searching —the next stage–can be an intense time as the grievers come out of the fog and ask, ‘What exactly happened?’ In the early part of this stage, the survivors will want to see the autopsy report or police account. Not only is it normal, but it is healthy. Getting our questions answered, painful though the process may be, gives us some emotional control.”

• “During the searching stage, that awful question ‘Why?’ surfaces. Often it’s accompanied by ‘What else could I have done?’ or ‘Should he have stayed on chemotherapy?’ or ‘Maybe he should have gotten off the chemotherapy.’ Of course this is a painful time for listening to the griever’s questions too. No quick answers exist. After [the famous preacher] Peter Marshall’s funeral, his anguished widow, Catherine, asked her mother why this had happened.Her mother, also a widow, answered quietly, ‘In God’s time, He will give you His answers.’ With hindsight we see that the Lord brought blessing out of the pain as He gave Catherine her special [writing] ministry. Countless people have been comforted by writings that could not have been produced except through her own suffering.”

• “When the survivors are ready to let go of the deceased’s personal items [and everyone comes to this point at different times so don't rush into it if you aren't ready yet], they often wonder which ones they should discard and which ones they should keep. Many counselors divide the items into two categories: linking objects and mementos. Linking objects are personal items, such as toothbrushes, [pillows and such] and should be discarded as quickly as the griever is comfortable with throwing them away. Mementos include family pictures and heirlooms that are an important part of the family’s memories. Mementos should be kept [unless it causes more pain than joy].”

• “Resolution signals the beginning of rejoining life. Joy, and even laughter, returns. …How soon laughter or even quiet grins return to our lives depends on how intense the circumstances were that caused our grief. But a time comes when we must allow the laughter to return–or pull our gloom even tighter around our shoulders. Medically, laughter causes the brain to release chemicals called endorphins, which relieve pain. …When Proverbs 17:22 says ‘A merry heart doeth good like a medicine’ (KJV), it’s true!”

• “FACE THE LOSS. It’s okay to hurt. You aren’t damaging your Christian testimony if you cry. It’s okay to miss someone you love. Remember, even Jesus wept–over Jerusalem (Luke 19:41) and at the tomb of Lazarus (John 11:35). …So if Jesus, the son of God, can cry, it’s okay for me —a frail imperfect human —to cry.”

• “In facing the grief, it helps to remember that some of the dumbest things are gong to get to you. …Talking through even those ‘dumb’ symbols of loss with a trusted friend or a knowledgeable grief counselor can be an important step in acknowledging the hurt. Those who try to ignore looking at their distress —whether because it’s too painful or because they think ‘good’ Christians don’t cry —often battle stress and depression later.”

• “Something healthy happens when we say, ‘This hurts!’ Releasing that pain may be as dramatic as sobbing on the kitchen floor, as intense as crying all evening after the children are in bed, or as quiet as a deep sigh when a young family reminds us of what we’ve lost. Southerners have an expression to describe the intangible longing that occasionally sweeps over us: ‘feeling homesick and lonesome.’ The only immediate cure I’ve found for that pain is the Bible. Every human emotion is recorded there. Immediately Psalm 74:1 comes to mind: ‘Why hast thou cast us off for ever?‘ (KJV). Once we’ve accepted the reality of our situation, we can begin to work through it with the Lord’s help.”

• “For those still hounding themselves with the ’should-haves,’ they’re dealing with false guilt —the kind the Enemy loves to use against us. One way to release it is to say aloud, “This is false guilt, and it is not from God.’ As you keep talking to God about it, the peace will eventually come.”

• “Believe it or not, we do have the choice of whether we want to be better or bitter because of what we’ve experienced. What if we stopped asking ‘Why me?’ and pondered ‘Why not me?’ Why do we think we’re supposed to get through this life without sorrow? Think of Job’s observation: ‘Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?’ (Job 2:10). Allow that grief to help you become a better person as you learn from it and help others through their pain. We can also help ourselves as we grasp the importance of this moment and this day.”

• “When Jesus said ‘Come unto me,’ He did not add ‘But come without tears.’”

• “We are truly ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’ (Psalm 139:14). God knew what He was doing when He gave us tear ducts. In fact, when we’re under stress, crying is a healthy thing for us to do. In fact, when we’re under stress, crying is a healthy thing for us to do. In the early eighties, William H. Frey II, Ph.D., director of the Alzheimer’s Research Laboratories at Ramsey Medical Center in St. Paul, Minnesota, led a team of researchers testing the content of tears. By comparing the tears shed when the subjects peeled onions against the tears shed when those same people watched a sad movie, the researchers discovered noticeable chemical differences.

• “But haven’t we always known that? Think of the times we’ve responded to ‘What’s wrong?’ with ‘Nothing, I just need a good cry.’ If we’re not allowed to cry because of our own or society’s standards, I’m convinced the brain holds the toxins that should be released, thus producing other problems. It’s better if the tears flow now so we can move on later. That’s why the friends who were the greatest comfort to me were the ones who simply put their arms around me and cried too.”

• “Grievers are caught in a time warp; each moment rolls heavily toward us as a reminder that our life has been changed forever.”

• “From my personal and professional experiences I’ve learned some important steps in helping children: ~ Tell the truth right away. ~ Be truthful. ~ Tell only what the child can handle. ~ Encourage children to express feelings. ~ Allow children to attend the funeral. ~ Take the child to the cemetery. ~ Let the child talk. …How many times have we approached the adult at the funeral home and ignored the children standing nearby? It’s important that they, too, be allowed to talk– to explain how their [dad or mom] died or to share a special memory. Not only does that attention acknowledge their place in the family, but it acknowledges their grief as well. … ~ Encourage communication. ~ Be there. ~ Affirm the child’s feelings.”

• “If well-meaning people forget the promises they’ve made to you in the funeral home, try to remember they cannot be all we want them to be —just as we can’t be all they need us to be.”

• “Inappropriate responses can result in greater problems later. As searing as fresh grief is, the recovery still is swifter when we face our loss.”

• “Concentrating on what we have left instead of what we have lost helps ward off depression.”

• “Our children learn how to handle stress by watching the adults in their lives.”

• “Philippians 4:19 was the scripture [my son] ten-year-old Jay was memorizing the day his dad died. The copied verse from the King James Version was on the kitchen counter when I came home from the hospital to tell the children the bad news. The note paper almost seemed to glow, as though the Lord Himself was offering special comfort: ‘But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.’ Many times I tested that promise, even occasionally challenging Him with ‘Even this need, God?’ Gradually I learned that He hadn’t overlooked anything. Amazingly I learned to do many of the things that had belonged to Don’s traditional roll —even changing the oil in the car and balancing the checkbook. But most of all I grew, learning much about myself and even more about my heavenly Father.”

• “TAKE GOOD FROM THE PAST INTO THE FUTURE. Second Corinthians 1:3-4 reads, ‘Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.’ In Genesis 50:20, Joseph says he talks to his brothers in Egypt, years after they had sold him to a caravan, ‘You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.’ I am convinced that God can —and will —bring His good out of any situation we give to Him.”

• “Learning to take care of ourselves in the midst of grief can be both a challenge and a new beginning.”

• “Find ways to help others and thus help yourself.”

And then here is something from the book, Coping with Life After Your Mate Dies:

• “The death of your mate will greatly affect your physical and emotional health. Grieving can cause numerous physical manifestations, such as headaches, dizziness, insomnia, moodiness, and various appetite problems. When reminders of your departed loved one cross your consciousness, anxiety and panic attacks may occur, manifested by irregular heartbeat, shortness of breath, trembling hands or feet, among other symptoms. Most physicians agree that there is a direct link between physical health and one’s mental/emotional state. Mental-health authorities have discovered that prolonged and unresolved grief can actually cause physical disabilities that may indirectly become life-threatening.

• “One of the most common complaints of grieving spouses is difficulty in establishing a regular pattern of restful sleep. A professor friend of mine recently witnessed the long and painful death of his 53 year old wife. He found that he awoke several times during the night with “flashbacks” of the wonderful times that he and his wife had enjoyed. On other occasions these sleep disturbances bore reminders of the occasions when his afflicted wife needed him to move her to another location in the bed.

“Other persons we have interviewed complain that they are prone to awaken at a very early hour, such as 3 or 4 o’clock in the morning. One dear lady said she cried herself to sleep each night because she was now sleeping alone for the first time in 37 years.

“There are a number of ways of attempting to cope with these and related problems. First and most importantly, it is helpful to recall certain verses and promises that God Almighty has given us. Always recognize that there are countless conditions and situations, such as your mate’s death, over which you have little, if any, control. Man-made explanations and remedies cannot remove your present grief. No amount of talking on the part of your friends that “you need  to get on with your life” will resolve your problems.

“Unfortunately, too many people (including faithful Christians) utilize the resources found in God’s Word as a last step in helping them in their present need. To help you with your sleep and other physical problems, you can remember special promises that God has given us. For example, read Deuteronomy 31:6; Matthew 7:7; and John 14:14. Your pastor can suggest many other relevant Scripture passages.”

With that in mind, the following are some scriptures that might help you as you begin this journey:

• The good men perish; the godly die before their time and no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to realize that God is taking them away from evil days ahead. (Isaiah 57:1 LB)

• Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you or forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

• God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. (Psalm 46:1)

• The LORD is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth. (Psalm 145:18)

• Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you. (Isaiah 41:10)

• Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. (James 4:8)

• Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints. (Psalm 116:15)

• Now the dwelling of God is with men, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. (Revelation 21:3-4)

• Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. (Matthew 5:4)

• Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord. (Psalm 31:24)

• Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. (Psalm 62:5-6)

• I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. (Micah 7:7-8)

• You are God my Saviour, and my hope is in you all day long. (Psalm 25:5)

• I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope. (Psalm 130:5)

• O Lord, sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed. (Psalm 119:116)

• This I call to mind and therefore I have hope; Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. (Lamentations 3:21-22)

• Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (Romans 12:12)

• Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

• Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)

• We say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” (Hebrews 13:6)

• As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. (Psalm 71:14)

• May our Lord Jesus Christ Himself and God our Father, who loved us and by His grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word. (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17)

• You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety. (Job 11:18)

Another thing you may find helpful: is to go into your Bible and take a journey through the Psalms. Many people I know who have experienced grief have found a lot of solace by reading through the Psalms. There are a lot of verses throughout it, that ministers in a very personal way to those who need a voice to express their hurting hearts and also need verses that will comfort and inspire them. Read, pray through, cry through, write out, and take into your spirit, all that God impresses upon your heart through this journey.

I pray this helps in some way. If any of this gives you a momentary bit of relief, I’m thankful. I pray the Lord brings others to minister to your needs in the ways in which you need.

God Bless,
Cindy Wright

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit!” (Romans 15:13)

“Even in the darkness light dawns for the upright.” (Psalm 112:4a)

— ALSO —

There are additional articles that can give you additional insights that are provided below. Please click onto the following web site links to read:

• A CHRISTIAN PRAYER AFTER THE DEATH OF A SPOUSE

• DEALING WITH THE DEATH OF A SPOUSE

• WHEN YOUR SPOUSE DIES

•  HOW TO COPE WITH THE DEATH OF YOUR SPOUSE

A brand new year is here [well, almost] and with it comes a lot of New Year resolutions. As Christians, there is no greater place to start than within your own marriage. How is your relationship with your spouse?

Here are 7 ways to totally wreak havoc in your Christian marriage:

1. MAKE MOUNTAINS OUT OF MOLE HILLS. Marriages are filled with a lot of joys, sorrows, and irritations along the way. Sometimes it can be difficult to distinguish between a mountain and a molehill. Mountains are those things that are worth taking a stand, while molehills are more like minor irritations. Mountains are very large and immovable. Molehills are small irritating piles of dirt that are easily smoothed over.

If you’re having difficulty distinguishing between a mountain and a molehill, ask yourself if this issue is worth taking time out of your day to discuss with your spouse.

2. YELL AT ONE ANOTHER. The quickest way to destroy communication in your Christian marriage is to yell at one another. Proverbs 18:21 states, “Life and death are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Such power the tongue has! Are you using yours for life or death in your relationship with your spouse?

3. BUILD EMOTIONAL WALLS. Emotional walls steal the intimacy in a marriage. And Christian marriages are not free from them. In fact, every marriage has them from time to time because we are imperfect humans.

Yet, the difference between a healthy relationship and unhealthy one is what you do with the emotional walls. Do you choose to keep your emotional walls, thereby building them higher? Or do you allow communication and forgiveness to help tear them down?

4. IGNORE YOUR PROBLEMS. Avoidance and denial are two crucial ingredients to destroying any Christian marriage. They go together with the adage “If we don’t face it, then it doesn’t exist” or “Don’t rock the boat.”

Conflict avoidance will take your marriage down the pathway to such great destinations of Misunderstanding, Distrust, and Resentment. Where as facing your problems can take you to such resorts as Forgiveness, Intimacy and Happiness.

5. HOLD ON TO RESENTMENT. Resentment paralyzes a martial relationship. It serves as a catalyst for distance, lack of communication, and bitterness between spouses. If you want a relationship filled with bitterness, plant the seed of resentment and nurture it with an unforgiving spirit.

6. STORE UP AMMUNITION FOR YOUR NEXT ARGUMENT. Long before popular psychology came into existence, the Apostle Paul penned an award winner definition for Christian love. It is found in I Corinthians 13:5, “…it does not keep a record of wrongs…”

Today some may call this “letting go” or “forgiveness.” Regardless of what it is called, as Christians we are encouraged to not keep a running tally list of the offenses our spouses have committed against us.

7. NEVER ASK FOR FORGIVENESS. As humans, it feels so much better to point out others’ faults rather than admit our own. Yet, marriage is about having the maturity to first ask for forgiveness for how we’ve hurt our spouse, rather than demanding their asking us for forgiveness.

Now that we’ve become aware of 7 ways to cause problems in our marriage (from an article titled “Christian Marriage Blunders: How to Wreak Havoc in Your Marriage” written by Terre Grable, posted on the web site Articlebase.com), lets look at 7 ways to HELP your marriage:

1. CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES WISELY. Beware of magnifying the small stuff; it can bring down your relationship in big ways. “Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5) “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11). “If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other” (Galatians 5:15).

2. “SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE” – DON’T YELL IT. Screaming at each other sabotages communication. It also slams your spouse’s ears shut and puts him or her on the defensive. Instead of working to build relationship bridges, each person is busy defending their “side.” “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice” (Ephesians 4:31). “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11). “The quiet words of the wise are more to be heeded than the shouts of a ruler of fools” (Ecclesiastes 9:17).

3. WORK TO BUILD RELATIONSHIP BRIDGES RATHER THAN WALLS IN YOUR MARRIAGE. Life (with the emotional baggage and differing expectations you bring into marriage) has a way of dividing you physically and emotionally. “I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:1-3). “Let us make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification” (Romans 12:18).

4. DEAL WITH RATHER THAN BURY PROBLEMS. If you ignore them, they could fester with time and cause more trouble than you would have had in the first place. “The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out” (Proverbs 18:15). “Each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor [spouse], for we are all members of one body. In your anger do not sin; do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:25-27).

5. RELEASE RESENTMENT. “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many” (Hebrews 12:14-15). “And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:30-32).

6. YOUR SPOUSE IS NOT THE ENEMY, SO STOP TREATING HIM/HER AS SUCH. “The words of the wicked lie in wait for blood, but the speech of the upright rescues them” (Proverbs 12:6). “I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:1-3)

7. WHEN WRONG, SINCERELY ASK FOR FORGIVENESS (whether your spouse is gracious in giving it or not). It’s the right thing to do. “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace” (Colossians 3:12-15).

May your New Year together, as husband and wife, be blessed by God in amazing ways.

Cindy and Steve Wright

It’s difficult to be completely prepared for the flurry that occurs during Christmas and New Years celebrations. Those of us who are Born-again Believers know that JESUS is the reason for the season, and every season beyond. But we have to be careful and intentional concerning the mission of outreach the Lord brings our way or we can run past the Christ of Christmas as well.

Our utmost prayer for you, as it is for us —is that we won’t allow what’s MOST important to be ambushed by that which really won’t matter a hundred years from now. It’s easy to get caught up in the wrappings and trappings —all the superficial glitz, as well as the idealized sentimentality that’s presented to us through the media (which leads many people to depression).

Actually, there’s really nothing wrong with so much of the activity that goes on during this season; it can be a lot of fun and can give us great opportunities to witness and pour out the love of Christ (especially to those who are hurting in some way). Lets just make sure that as we take advantage of this “season” we don’t get distracted from “living Christ” and forget what’s REALLY important —celebrating the gift of Jesus Christ with those around us!

I’ve complained in recent years that the “world” is commercializing Christmas more and more and earlier and earlier. But author Ace Collins pointed out something important which I over-looked. He said, “Christmas is the only Christian holiday that is celebrated worldwide. Even in non-Christian countries. Therefore, by opening Christmas up for weeks and weeks and weeks, we have an open door as Christians, to talk about the real meaning of Christmas that much longer.”

Think about it. I know there’s debate going on concerning WHEN the event of Christ’s birth occurred (that it’s different from when we actually celebrate “Christmas” — to find out more, click onto the Crosswalk.com web site link to read, “Was Jesus Really Born on December 25th?“). And then there’s debate surrounding how the holiday of Christmas originated (some give it Christian originality and others a pagan one that Christians adopted to celebrate the time of Christ’s birth). (To find out more, please click onto the Crosswalk.com link to read: “Should Christians Celebrate Christmas and the Birth of Jesus Christ?“) We’ve heard convincing arguments from all sides. But isn’t there a more important point to all of this?

Doesn’t the entire Christmas “season” as well as the day we celebrate Christ’s birth give us opportunity to be a “light on a hill”? We’re told in Matthew 5:14-16, “You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.”

Are you allowing the Light of Christ to shine through you in your home and wherever you go? God tells us in Galatians 6:9-10, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.”

Also in Colossians 4:5, “Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders and make the most of every opportunity.” And in Ephesians 5:15, “Be very careful how you live — not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity because the days are evil.”

God tells us in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 10:23-24, “’Everything is permissible’ —but not everything is beneficial. ‘Everything is permissible’ —but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.”

So, as you see opportunity this Christmas season, seek out “permissible” times that are “beneficial” to “do good” for others – including your marriage partner, and share the love of Christ wherever you are. Share Christ, live Christ, communicate the gospel with and without words. Don’t hide the Light of Christ —SHINE!

I love the title of a broadcast, which Ace Collins was involved in, titled, “Reclaiming Christmas”. We need to do that. We need to reclaim Christmas and allow God to have His rightful place. In this broadcast Ace said, “The key to Christmas is slowing down, stopping, looking around, and listening. And if you do those things you will change.” And frankly, so will the countenance of others as Christ ministers through you into their lives, to touch their hearts.

To read the transcripts or listen to the broadcast (and the following 2 broadcasts as well) where Ace Collins explains how to reclaim Christmas and appreciate the history behind many of the traditions surrounding this holiday, please click onto the following FamilyLife.com web site links:

• RECLAIMING CHRISTMAS (Part 1 of 3)

• BUILDING CHRISTMAS MEMORIES (Part 2 of 3)

• THE SPIRITUAL TRADITIONS OF CHRISTMAS (Part 3 of 3)

During this season, there is a lot of emphasis on gift-giving, but in reality, don’t you think the greatest gift you could share with them is the love of Christ —living out what God tells us in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7? “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

The following is a poem (author unknown) that could help you to celebrate Christmas God’s way. As you read the original poem we’ve added a few comments surrounded by parenthesis. We pray it’s a blessing to you!

FIRST CORINTHIANS 13—CHRISTMAS VERSION

If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows, strands of twinkling lights and shining balls, but do not show love to my family, I’m just another decorator.

If I slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens of Christmas cookies, preparing gourmet meals and arranging a beautifully adorned table at mealtime, but do not show love to family, I’m just another cook.

If I work at the soup kitchen, carol in the nursing home and give all that I have to charity, but do not show love to my family, it profits me nothing.

If I trim the spruce with shimmering angels and crystal snowflakes, attend a myriad of holiday parties and sing in the choir’s cantata but do not focus on Christ, I have missed the point.

Love stops the cooking to hug the child (and the husband).

Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the husband; (maybe even a “10 second kiss” —see Marriage Message #20 – Biblical rules for a Happy Marriage, rule #5.) (Also—to the husband: a great way to express love to your wife is to help with the decorating without grumbling. Just ask your wife, “What can I do that would help you the most?”)

Love is kind, though harried and tired. (Remember—if you’re too busy to be kind, you’re too busy!)

Love doesn’t envy another’s home that has coordinated Christmas china and table linens. (There’s always a price to pay for everything, financially and sometimes relationally. If your decorating takes away from the peace and joy you’re to enjoy with your loved ones, is it really worth the cost? What do you believe Christ would have you do?)

Love doesn’t yell at the children to get out of the way, but is thankful they’re there to be in the way. (Will your children be able to look back and say, “I loved Christmas at home with my parents—it was such a happy, peaceful, and loving place!”?)

Love doesn’t give only to those who are able to give in return, but rejoices in giving to those who can’t.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails.

Video games will break, pearl necklaces will be lost, and golf clubs will rust. But giving the gift of love will endure. (It truly is “the gift that keeps on giving!”)

And concerning gift-giving and personalizing Christmas, you may find it helpful to read the following articles posted on Crosswalk.com. To do so, please click onto the links below to read:

• MANAGING THE COST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENTS

• MAKING CHRISTMAS PERSONAL

What if you took the scriptures concerning Love and the Fruits of the Spirit seriously and lived them out in your marriage and family life? Do you think your spouse would object to this gift? It may be a difficult one to give, but it sure is in keeping with that which God asks of us. “A gift opens the way for the giver and ushers him into the presence of the great” (Proverbs 18:16).

And who greater than God? And what greater gift is there to accept, than His son Jesus Christ? “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:8-10).

And what if you lived out and put intentionality into sharing the “fruit of the Spirit” with your family and those God brings into your life… do you think this would be a Christmas gift they would enjoy and cherish in years to come? “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23).

Yes, material gifts are nice, no doubt. But bringing “peace on earth” into your home by loving your spouse and family members as God loves them is a gift that is priceless! And finding ways to spread joy to others outside of your home, whether it’s a smile, or a compliment, a helping hand, a cheerful greeting or good-bye to a clerk could brighten up their day and make this season brighter for them as well.

Think about it. Pray about it. Make it your mission this Christmas and throughout the New Year to live Christ. And may your CHRISTmas be a blessed one!

Steve and Cindy Wright

“a selfless act performed by a person or persons wishing to either assist or cheer up an individual… There will generally be no reason other than to make people smile, or be happier” (Wikipedia.org).

Taking it a step further, how about carrying out random acts of “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (inspired from Galatians 5:22-23) with and for your spouse? As Mary Ann Romans suggests:

“Why not take this whole random acts of kindness idea to your marriage? There are two ways and two benefits to doing this. First of all, you can practice these random acts of kindness together. Not only will you be blessing the lives of other people, but you will also strengthen your marriage by working together and coming face to face with the reality of how blessed you are.

“You can also practice random acts of kindness for your spouse. This is both easier and harder than it might seem. You probably already do a lot for your spouse, but what if you did some extra things without being asked or without telling? Perhaps you find a lost object, put gas in the car, make a favorite meal, etc. Aim to find at least one new random act of kindness that you can practice for your spouse each day.”

Concerning the “fruits of the Spirit”, you could fruitfully show “love” many ways. Steve blessed me the other day when he offered me a foot massage (knowing I had been up on my feet most of the day). How WONDERFUL! He also asked me the other morning, “What can I do that would be the MOST help to you?” My “Love Language” for sure! I’ve blessed him by randomly making things peaceful and relaxing within our home (when possible), and yet spark romance at other times.

There are a variety of ways to show your spouse love in a manner that he/she best understands it. As a matter of fact, on our web site we have “100 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife HER Way” and “100 Ways You Can Love Your Husband HIS Way” listed in the “Romantic Ideas” section which can help you come up with ideas.

Another fruit is “joy”, where you randomly bring little spots of joy into your spouse’s life. One way I do this with Steve is to look for things that are funny to share with him. Laughter really is “good medicine” (as the Bible says) — it’s good for us individually AND for our marriage. Life is hard, so it’s good to find ways to bring a smile to our spouse’s face whenever possible.

Concerning this “fruit of the Spirit” there’s a helpful article titled “10 Tips to Prepare for the 2009 Holiday Season” written by Jim Burns. In the second tip, Jim wrote:

“Remember the holiday season does not eliminate sadness or loneliness. Problems and difficulties arise even during the holiday season. And, for some, it evokes painful memories from recent events or the loss of loved ones in the past. Give room for yourself and your family to experience these feelings. Try not to let them become a consuming focus. Make an effort to work through present challenges and conflicts.”

My husband Steve helped me with this on Saturday as we were decorating for Christmas. We came across ornaments our (prodigal) sons had made for us years earlier in church. The memories were painful because they’re walking a different spiritual road at this time and we miss sharing and worshipping Christ together with them.

I also found an ornament that my brother Rick (who died several years ago) had made for me. On the ornament, he wrote, “A brother is someone who knows the song in your heart and sings it when you forget the words.” How I miss his “singing” on this side of heaven. As I shared this heartache with Steve, he held me in his arms and brought comfort. It lightened the load a bit and drew us closer together.

For tip number 3, Jim Burns wrote:

“Acknowledge the past, but look forward to the future. Life brings change. Each season of life is different. Determine to enjoy this holiday season for what it is. Acknowledging the past, whether it was good or bad, is appropriate. But, if you find that this year has been a rough one and you don’t anticipate having the best holiday season ever, try not to set yourself up by comparing today with the ‘good old days.’ Take advantage of the joys the present holiday season has to offer.”

We pray you will, despite the pain you may be experiencing.

I’ll go a step further. Look for ways to share joy. If you have a smile, share it. If you don’t, find one and give it away. Proverbs 11:25 states, “He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.” I saw this in author Barbara Johnson, who knew immense sorrow in her life, yet she made audiences laugh worldwide. I one time questioned her about it. I asked, “Barbara, how do you do it? How do you find the strength to help others laugh despite your painful life?” She pointed out that scripture and stated that when she made others laugh, she was refreshed as well. What a powerful truth!

So, even though your pain won’t go away, don’t let it eat you alive. Look for joy somehow and share it with your spouse and others, randomly. It will help them AND you.

Another “fruit of the Spirit” is “patience” — one of the fruits that most of us lack, but need the most. Sometimes when Steve goes shopping with me, he’ll take off his watch, so he won’t be as impatient. And I work not to try his patience as much by hurrying more than I would if he wasn’t with me. Ask God to show you specific ways to bless your spouse with this fruit.

For the fruit of “faithfulness” and “self-control”, refrain from using hurtful humor at your spouse’s expense. Also look for ways to guard your heart, assuring your spouse that you’re true to your wedding vow of loving, honoring and cherishing …to “have and to hold” to him or her alone. (We have articles to help you build hedges of protection in your marriage in the “Emotional Infidelity” and “Extramarital Affairs” sections of our web site.)

Even if your spouse has been unfaithful, ask God to help you not to fall into the trap of opening your heart to someone else. Stay faithful. “It is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful” (1 Corinthians 4:2).

And then there is the fruit of “kindness”, “goodness” and “gentleness”. Look for ways to be kinder in your words and actions. Keep in mind that when you’re too busy to be kind, you’re too busy. Take a deep breath; regroup your thoughts, and ask God for help and possible short cuts.

“Make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins” (2 Peter 1:5-9).

“Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near” (Philippians 4:5). “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Colossians 3:12-13).

In unity with Christ, let us look for ways to give the fruit of the Spirit in random acts of love this Christmas season and beyond. And may God bless you in these efforts!

Cindy and Steve Wright

“All marriages go through periods of disaffection, times when love feels distant, cold. What happens during these times will often set the course for the rest of the marriage.” (Tim Clinton)

Have you been there? We sure have, and who knows that we might not again if we don’t work on putting forth intentionality in building our love for each other? But thankfully, we’re doing well. And we pray that if you’re struggling, eventually you will be as well, knowing that marriage is so complex.

The following is something written by Tim and Julie Clinton, titled “How Disaffection Starts” —which was featured in Moody Magazine (which is no longer in print) a number of years ago. But what they write is still appropriate today:

“All marriages go through periods of disaffection, times when love feels distant, cold. What happens during these times will often set the course for the rest of the marriage. Unfortunately, disaffection often wins out and couples who get to the point of divorce never know God’s desire for their marriage. And many who stay in their marriages live unhappily behind closed doors.

But how does disaffection start? It actually begins with everyday life, with the six pressures we all face daily.

• STRESS —We’re pulled in every direction, busy and going nowhere fast, having to do more with less time. Before long, tempers flare, stomachs ache, hearts break. Hurried decisions become bad decisions. And bad decisions make people hurt.

Marriage becomes a perpetual uphill climb. And our hurt makes us irritable, discouraged, and very difficult to live with. Some have just flat-out been overwhelmed by life, wayward kids, financial pressures, loss, health problems, and demanding work schedules. Take an inventory. What stresses have been tearing at your relationship since you married?

• EVIL —Satan is the great confuser and the ultimate liar. He magnifies our weaknesses and fears and uses them as wedges that come between us. Peter described the evil one as a “roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour” (1 Peter 5:8). And he’s out to take as big a bite as he can out of your marriage.

• FALSE EXPECTATIONS —Here are a few of the most common: Marriage will complete me. —Life will be easy now. —My spouse won’t hurt me. —Love will keep us together.

Marriage brings together two people who have many human frailties that are at first magnified, then hopefully, in Christ, strengthened into godly traits. But it takes a lot of humility, grace, and constant work at understanding what’s reasonable for you and your spouse to expect from each other.

• SELFISHNESS —In our marriage we don’t really want to hurt each other. But we do. We fail each other. We say hurtful words. Marriage was designed to be a team effort, one of loving and giving, of making a commitment to our mate. But selfishness, so rampant in our culture, creates an “island of me,” when we should be sharing the “island of we.”

• SCRIPTS FROM THE PAST — A lot of our behavior is influenced by scripts that were written for us long ago. For instance, if one or both of our parents abandoned us when we were children, we’ll live today as if we expect those we love to abandon us in the here and now. We need, therefore, to look for those elements of our lives that are unresolved—physical, emotional, or sexual abuse; the effects of parental divorce. Then we need to deal with those losses and hurts in sound, biblical ways.

• SPEED —Intimacy takes time, but when we live in the fast lane, intimacy falls by the wayside. For example, maybe we think a date night will solve our problems. But what happens on date nights when things haven’t been going well? One lousy night! The result is loneliness, anger, feelings of rejection, and sorrow. A natural response to this pain is to create a gap between you and your partner—which can pave the way for destructive cycle of conflict and distancing.”

As we look upon the “disaffection” that occurs so easily in our marriages, especially in today’s world, we’re reminded of the scripture verse that says, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:2).

How much this needs to be ingrained in our thinking and lifestyle choices! In my (Cindy’s) prayer time, as I was praying for my husband Steve, I came upon a prayer that’s so appropriate for today’s message. It reads:

“Lord, don’t let our marriage conform to the patterns of the world. Let us be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Let us abide in your will ALL of our days. So be it!”

Is that your prayer? We hope it is and recommend that you look over the pressures listed above and ask God to talk to your heart and show you if there is anything you can change that is causing darkness within your marriage. Work to be a “lamp lighter for Christ” poking holes in the darkness that the enemy of our faith works relentlessly to bring into your home.

To help you with whatever disaffection you may be experiencing, there is an additional article written by Dr Timothy Clinton that we recommend you read. Please click onto the following link to read: “Battling Disaffection in Marriage“.

Also, from the Crosswalk.com web site, please click onto the link to read: “Increase the Affection in Your Marriage”.

And on the MarriageBuilders.com web site, please click onto the link to read: “How to Meet the Need for Affection”.

As for your own “role” in all of this, during this Christmas season, as “peace on earth” is being emphasized, we encourage you to pray the words of the psalmist (Psalm 139:23-24), “Search me O God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.”

As We pray for you this week, “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ” (Romans 15:5-6).

Steve and Cindy Wright

So, to help you “reduce stress” — whether you’re the host/hostess, or the guest, we’ll share tips from some “experts” that you may be able to use. Glean what will work and disregard the rest (unless they’re points that God shows you to be truth, even if they are uncomfortable).

• ”Simplify your lifestyle. One of the leading causes of stress is that we try to cram too much into these days. Instead of watching your calender fill up, go ahead now and block out personal time, couple times, and family times. Then when that really nice invitation comes along, have the courage to say, ‘I’m so sorry we have a conflict.’ It is far easier to set boundaries before the commitments start to pile up” (Susan Yates, from FamilyLife.com article, “Three Ways to Relieve Stress Before the Holidays Arrive“).

• ”Whatever schedule conflicts you encounter, let them remind you to be grateful for the gift of time. Choose to focus on the people you are able to celebrate with, and use your time with them well… Let go of the stress you felt figuring out your plans and decide to be content with what you’re doing this holiday. [See Philippians 4:11.] Ask God to surprise you with moments of joy as you let go of your own agenda and live in the present moment” (Whitney Von Lake Hopler, from Crosswalk.com article “Don’t Invite Your Expectations to Thanksgiving“).

• ”If you are going to be spending a lot of time with family, be intentional about building in breaks for the family. The holidays can be a special time for families to be together, but you don’t need to overdose” (John Thurman, from Johnthurman.net article “Holiday Reduction Stress Tips“).

• ”No matter what embarrasses you, let it help you appreciate God’s grace more. Remember the many times you’ve messed up in life, only to have God keep loving you and forgiving you when you turn to let Him. Let your gratitude for God’s grace motivate you to forgive others who do or say something embarrassing. Know that your forgiveness will show them Christ’s love in action and possibly move lost family members closer to a relationship with Him.” (Whitney Von Lake Hopler, from Crosswalk.com article “Don’t Invite Your Expectations to Thanksgiving“).

• ”Remember, regardless of what your therapist says, the Christmas season is not about problem solving. Deal with family issues another time. You have to choose how you are going to feel. You do not have to be a slave to old memories” [See: 2 Corinthians 10:5-6] (John Thurman, from Johnthurman.net article “Holiday Reduction Stress Tips“).

• ”Think before you speak. Make a list of ‘topics to avoid.’ …Topics that are almost always safe: the weather, sports, gardening and the other person’s life. God gave us two ears and one mouth. Use your words to help others feel about themselves” [See: Hebrews 3:13 and Hebrews 10:24-25] (John Thurman, from Johnthurman.net article “Holiday Reduction Stress Tips“).

• ”Learn the Power of Pause. No matter how well you plan ahead, assume a positive attitude and acquire a sensible perspective. Anything can go awry. Learning to take a few deep breaths in the midst of a debacle opens a world of opportunities for you to grow and, in the process, teach others — especially children — invaluable lessons. Instead of becoming reactive and hastily assuming the worst when problems arise, simply pause. Creating a pause unlocks your creativity.” [See: 2 Timothy 2:23] (Hal Runkel, from the Growthtrac.com article “Practical Advice for a Scream Free Thanksgiving“).

• ”For stepfamilies — Gather on neutral ground — meet at a place that belongs to no one — include everyone that you can and avoid posturing and fighting” [See: Romans 14:19] (John Thurman, from Johnthurman.net article “Holiday Reduction Stress Tips“).

In closing, we’d also like to share with you a very condensed portion of a powerful Crosswalk.com article titled, “Holiday Family Gathering Coming Up? Let the Beatitudes Quell Your Attitudes“, written by John Shore (which we recommend you read in its entirety through the web site link provided above). In this article, John points out that Jesus teaches us in Matthew 5:3-12 some important principles that we can use to “be a blessing to ourselves and our families when we meet with them over the holidays”:

• ”BLESSED ARE THE POOR IN SPIRIT. We tend to go into family gatherings pretty keyed up. We feel intense, alert, super-sensitive to everything everybody says and does; when we hear, ‘You’re here!’ our senses kick fully on. But that’s exactly the opposite of being ‘poor in spirit’; that’s being TOO rich in spirit. At its core that’s all about ego. Before stepping into your family gathering, take a minute, take a breath, and fill yourself with the Holy Spirit. If there’s one thing Jesus showed us, it’s that it’s ALL about wanting and keeping nothing for yourself.

• ”BLESSED ARE THE MEEK. Don’t fight. Don’t provoke. …Don’t insist that your thoughts and opinions are given their full weight. Let every last bit of that go. Allow others to go before you. Let others have the floor. …If Jesus can sacrifice his life in order for you to be reconciled with God, you can surely sacrifice a bit of yourself in order to promote harmony within your family.

• ”BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO HUNGER AND THIRST FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS. Always look to, point at, emphasize, and celebrate the good. Forget everything else; for the time that you are with your family, allow all negativity to mean to you nothing whatsoever.

• ”BLESSED ARE THE MERCIFUL. No mystery here. Forgive, forgive, forgive till it hurts. Why shouldn’t you? You’re no angel. None of us is. We’ve all done more wrong things than there are numbers to count them… When it comes to our proper relationship to our family members, ‘Forgive them, for they know not what they do,’ should be tattooed on our hearts.

• ”BLESSED ARE THE PURE IN HEART. Don’t let the negative stay with you. When you see something that’s nasty or snarky or interested only in itself heading your way, step aside, and let it roll right past. Wave to it as it goes by —and then turn your attention back to the Holy Spirit within you. That is God —who, the Bible tells us, is LOVE.

• ”BLESSED ARE THE PEACEMAKERS. Show that the peace of the Lord is upon you by becoming the means by which others find peace between themselves… Let go of the wrong that tries to claim you as its own. Make peace.”

Good advice for us all, no matter what time of the year it is. “May God Himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul, and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it. (1 Thessalonians 5:23-24)

Cindy and Steve Wright

He revealed to us that he and his wife didn’t have good role models, showing them how to treat each other in marriage. And then one day they noticed us, and how Steve and I interacted with each other. They liked what they saw and kept watching (we didn’t have the slightest idea this was happening). He told us that just from observing us (and being in a marriage class we eventually taught), they learned a lot and wanted us to know that we had blessed their lives.

After reading this, we cringed to think what they might have observed (after-all, we sure aren’t perfect), but somehow God painted a good picture because he wrote that he and his wife both said they “wanted a marriage just like ours.”

That letter, and similar comments we’ve received through the years, has made us aware that people notice more than we realize they do. How we conduct ourselves day in and day out is a picture we’re helping (or hindering) God paint in their minds as to what a Christian marriage looks like. Marriage is apparently designed to reflect the love of Christ to a world that needs to see this picture so they’ll reach out for more of what God has for them as a married couple. If we allow our lives to become non-reflective of the love of God, we’re missing the main point of why God designed marriage in the first place. It’s not about what we can get out of marriage, but what can GOD use within our lives to draw others to Himself.

It would be good to ask yourself: are others drawn to God as they observe how you interact with your spouse? Do they see Christ reflected in your words and actions? If not, today is a good day to start that journey back to line your heart and actions up with God’s. Our lives are a continual work in progress, that calls us to press on to “take hold” of all that Christ has for us (see Philippians 3:12-16). You may not be perfect, just as we aren’t, but together we can press on.

We came across an article in the November/December 2002 issue of Moody Monthly Magazine (which is no longer being published) which may help you to grab onto this concept further. Within this article, Elizabeth Cody Newenhuyse wrote the following:

“I applaud the desire for a strong and lasting marriage. But I’m not sure about this soul mate business. I fear [a spouse's] bright illusions will dissolve into dust the first time they have an argument about money or when she loses her job or he gets sick or either of them decides he or she wants to go to a different church.

“Even we spouses who are united in Christ have evenings when we just don’t have much to say to each other —those times when we think, ‘Why does he/she have to be like this?’ Soul mates always instinctively understand each other. Real marriage partners don’t. But real marriage partners try. And this is where we expect too little of marriage. Because a marriage wholly yielded to Christ can astonish us. Or, more precisely, God’s work in that marriage can astonish.

“A recurrent theme of Scripture shows a person or event displaying the work and power of God (Exodus 9:16, where we read of God’s call to Moses; John 9:3, Jesus’ healing of the man born blind; Romans 9:17, God’s saving mercy). Could it be that one reason God created marriage was because it’s an ideal canvas for Him to display His work through a man and a woman?

“Walter Wangerin has written eloquently about this in his book, ‘As for Me and My House.’ He tells of having grievously offended his wife, Thanne, through a series of hurts that heaped up over time, culminating in an evening game of Risk played with friends: ‘I leaned back and spread myself on my chair, feeling this to be a very good party. I made jokes. But I made them at Thanne’s expense, oblivious to their effect on her. And she saw how much of my very being belittled her. If she was dying, her husband wasn’t altogether blameless. He was killing her by small degrees and scorn.’

“Thanne withdraws emotionally, and Walt resigns himself to living without love in a house of chilly silences. ‘Thanne couldn’t forgive me,’ he writes. ‘This is a plain fact. I had broken her. Could a broken person be whole enough to forgive? No, Thanne was created finite, and couldn’t forgive me. But Jesus could.’

“One day Thanne came into his study, not angry. And she said, ‘Wally, will you hug me?’ ‘Dear Lord Jesus,’ Wangerin reflects, ‘where did this come from, this sudden, unnatural, undeserved willingness to let me touch her, hug her, love her? Not from me! I was her ruination. Not from her, but because I had killed that part of her. From You! This is God’s handiwork written large.’

“So what do we expect from marriage? From ourselves in the marriage? Fallibility. The need to forgive way beyond 70 times 7. Periods when we realize we don’t like the person we’re living with very much. Soul mate? Him? [Or her?] Yet this is the person God has entrusted to us.

“I’ve sometimes looked at Fritz wearing a garage-sale sweatshirt and thought, well, whether he’s the ‘one right person’ for me or not (a concept more romantic than scriptural), God loves him very much and thought enough of me to put Fritz into my care. Perhaps we need to ask God what He expects. Somehow, I don’t think His answers will surprise us.”

We challenge you to “ask God what He expects” of you in your marriage. He may ask you to exhibit tough love, or “speak the truth in love”, or live out sacrificial love, or love without measure, or extravagant, forgiving love that makes no worldly sense, but sense in the spiritual realm.

“Every husband and wife combination needs the healing touch of forgiveness. Where else could there be more opportunity to annoy, insult, offend, or ruffle another person that in the intimacy of married life when we’re constantly under foot, get in each other’s way, and have to share all things in common (whether we like it or not)? That’s just ordinary living, without taking into account the astonishing hurtful things husbands and wives do, which demands more forgiveness than any of us could work up on our own (Dr Ed Wheat, “The First Years of Forever”).

In our fallibility, may we remember to extend to our spouse, the same grace of God that has extended to us in the art of marriage.

Cindy and Steve Wright

One pastor we heard of, recommends to everyone he marries that they write out their wedding vows, frame them, and then display them somewhere in their home so they’ll continually be reminded what they promised each other. What an outstanding idea! Too often we forget what we promise each other on our wedding day —kind of like the man “who looks at his face in a mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets” (James 1:23-24). We often say our “I do’s” at the altar and then walk away afterward from what we promised as if we never said them.

But we need to tell you that the marriage vows you promise each other, are very important to God. They aren’t something God takes lightly or later forgets. And neither should you or your spouse. The Bible says, “Let your ‘yes’ be yes, and your ‘no’ be no or you will be condemned” (James 5:12). It’s also noted, “It is a trap for a man to dedicate something rashly and only later consider his vows” (Proverbs 20:25).

Up front, we want you to know this isn’t a Marriage Message intended to throw verbal stones at anyone. God knows we’re ALL sinners, and no one can “cast the first stone” without throwing some their own way (and Steve and I recognize that we’re included in that mob). Sadly, we’ve sure gone through times when we didn’t take our vows as seriously as we should have!

Instead, this message is hopefully a wake-up call for us all, as it concerns our marriages. As God’s children, we are God’s ambassadors representing the bride and Bridegroom to a world that needs to see this living picture lived out in healthy ways. And may we do so to the glory of God!

Author H. Dale Burke says something important about the marriage vows couples promise each other on their wedding day. He says that those who marry often look at them as a romantic, “legal” or “religious” formality “to be dispensed with before the party can begin” (and afterward they wake up to reality, rather than a lifelong party). He says,

“… Maybe they just consider [their vows] to be a part of cultural tradition, like singing the national anthem before a ball game or saying the pledge of allegiance at the start of a school day. But what SHOULD it mean — what DOES it mean to say such things to a person in the presence of God? What does God do during the wedding? Is He, like us, merely a spectator?”

No. God said, through the Bible, something that both men and women should pay attention to:

“You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because He no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, ‘Why?’ It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. ‘I hate divorce,’ says the Lord God of Israel, ‘and I hate a man’s covering himself [which actually means 'his wife'] with violence as well as with his garment,’ says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit and do not break faith” (Malachi 2:13-16).

God takes marriage and committing violence with words and deeds very seriously. It is a way of breaking faith. (Ephesians 4 and 5 and 1 Peter 3 speaks more on this and the way we should conduct ourselves in our marriages so that we live with each other in an “understanding way.”

In all honesty, Steve and I have to admit that we didn’t have much of a grasp on understanding what we were committing ourselves to on our wedding day. If God hadn’t woken us up (and we hadn’t followed His leading), our marriage would have probably ended up as a divorce statistic instead of a love story written by God (which we believe our marriage is now). God showed us that when we started treating each other disrespectfully, our relationship started to go down the same slippery slope that many others go down to their marital deaths (as ours almost did as well).

We had to make a complete reversal of the way we were treating each other and learn how to relate together in healthier ways. And it sure hasn’t been easy, and at times it still isn’t to this day! Even though we know better, we find that we can still fall into the same “disrespectful and unloving” trap other couples do as they try to live out their wedding vows.

When that happens, we have to step back, regroup, connect again with God and with each other, and “fight the good fight” WITH GOD, instead of aiming at and fighting against each other. (If you find yourself in this same hurtful cycle, you’ll find a lot of helpful articles, tools, and recommended resources on the Marriage Missions web site to help you make your relationship a healthier one. Plus, at the end of this article we have a link to an additional article on this subject to help you further.)

H. Dale Burke, in his book, “Different by Design” (published by Moody Press) gives insight on this when he wrote,

“I’ll never forget the couple who showed up in my office weekly trying to patch up their marriage which, while in trouble, had incurred no damage that was beyond repair. … This was just two Christians who hadn’t learned to think ‘we’ instead of ‘me.’ They had never been taught to value and respect one another or nurture their love.

“Tragically, the biggest obstacle standing between them and reconciliation was Christian friends who kept fueling their frustrations and counseling them to give up. The very group of people who should have been cheering their efforts to save the marriage was sabotaging the rescue mission.

“At least one part of this couple’s problem was rooted in a misunderstanding of what marriage is all about. They, like most newlyweds today, saw marriage as a contract, which, according to my dictionary, is a ‘binding agreement.’ At the heart of every contract is a set of conditions or promises — the ‘deal.’ The deal is, you do this for me and I’ll do that for you.

“A contract lays out what ‘this’ and ‘that’ consists of. It also has an escape clause; either stated or implied, which says that if you fail to do ‘this,’ then I can stop doing ‘that.’ And in recent times, quite frankly, many people don’t feel that their contracts mean much of anything. All I need to justify breaking one is to say I’m not happy with the deal.

“Tragically, this flexible concept of contracts is how many people now view marriage. ‘If my marriage is an ordeal,’ they say, ”I’ll opt out and look for a better deal somewhere else.’ This is the unspoken amendment many people attach to their spoken vows of matrimony. Men and women differ in a lot of ways when it comes to what they bring to the marriage relationship, but this is a weakness they both share. Thousands of husbands and wives exercise this escape clause every year.

“A question worth asking, then, if words have meaning and we desire to be responsible with our wedding vows, is the same question abbreviated on so many bracelets and other items in recent years: What would Jesus do? Or better yet, what would Jesus declare about marriage, divorce, and the meaning behind those vows so often heard at weddings?”

You can read what Jesus said in Matthew 19 and you can understand more as you read through what the Bible says about relationships. Saying “I do” is the easy part, living it is a whole different matter. That’s the difficult part!

Through it all, please know that:

“Marriage can be wonderful. It can be deeply satisfying and mutually fulfilling. But IF it becomes that, it is because BOTH partners have paid a very high price over many years to make it that way. They will have died to selfishness a thousand times. They will have had countless difficult conversations. They will have endured sleepless nights and strained days. The will have prayed hundreds of prayers for wisdom and courage and understanding. They will have said, ‘I’m sorry’ too many times to remember. They will have been stretched to the breaking point often enough to have learned that, unless Christ is at the center of both their lives, the odds for achieving marital satisfaction are very, very low” (Bill and Lynne Hybels).

And to that we say, Amen! It’s a tough mission —one that is more difficult than we could ever anticipate before we say “I do.” But with mind-sets to persevere, with intentionality to do what it takes to make your marriage the best it can be, and with God’s help, all things are possible (and can have it’s times of being “wonderful”).

We pray as you look to the Lord, He will help your marriage to be one that reflects the heart of Christ,
Cindy and Steve Wright

-ALSO-

To help you further on this subject, please click onto the link provided below to read the Crosswalk.com article titled:

• 9 SUCCESS FACTORS AFTER SAYING “I DO”

And by “people” we’re specifically referring to Christians, because that’s who we’re addressing in this message. For those of you who are followers of Christ who are looking to marry someday or maybe you know a Christian who is considering marriage (that you could pass this information on to), please keep reading. It’s vitally important to marry the right person the FIRST time and not give into the current divorce trend that is happening in today’s world.

We are not to be marrying with just our hearts, but use God’s wisdom, discernment, and insight as well. It’s important to “keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterward” (Ben Franklin). If you didn’t do this yourself (and/or your spouse didn’t), maybe you can join us to prevent future tragedies in helping others to NOT make the same mistakes. It’s the “live, learn, and pass it on” principle.

It’s truly puzzling to us, why Christians aren’t being more cautious in who and when they marry — especially when it’s such a life-changing decision for them, and it’s extremely important to God’s Kingdom work. Marriage is portrayed throughout the Bible as a living, symbolic picture of Christ’s love for His church. How we interact with each other within our marriage is a vehicle God wants to use to demonstrate to the world, the sacrificial love of Christ.

God has a loving message He wants to speak through our married lives to help draw those who don’t know Him, to Himself. How sad that so many of us aren’t recognizing this and being more careful as we approach marriage so our living testimony is a positive one.

Even when building a tower the Lord warns about how important it is to “consider the costs” so that in the end, things will come out as they should and the builder won’t suffer regrets as well as be “ridiculed” by those who are watching (see Luke 14:28-30). And yet how much more important it is to “consider the costs” of building a marriage, which comes on the other side of the wedding ceremony! The vows we commit to are supposed to last a lifetime, it’s not just a limited time offer until the “love” and happiness dies. God didn’t design marriage to be a temporary union until something or someone better comes along.

For this reason, we caution those of you who are approaching marriage to BE VERY SURE to make your vows ONLY to someone who is committed to building a marriage relationship for a lifetime with you and with God, as “a cord of three strands” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). Love can be fun and grand when it’s all new and shiny, but eventually the shine wears off. At that point you’ll see how important it is to be married to someone who is committed to you and to God to build and rebuild, work and rework on your marriage relationship with unity as a goal.

In approaching marriage, be aware that many of us have “blind spots” that we don’t see or want to see concerning this sacred union and the person we think we should marry. Author Rob Eagar addresses this in his book “Dating with Pure Passion” (Harvest House Publishers). He wrote, “Some are too quick to think God has given them a revelation to marry through some inner feeling or ironic coincidence. They don’t do the hard work of carefully thinking the decision through.”

We’ve been contacted by many, many people who have gotten caught up in this phenomenon, only later to regret marrying without better preparing. God DOES sometimes reveal our future mate to us, but not very often. It’s important to slow things down, prepare just the same and make SURE you both rightly heard God and are willing to stay promise keepers in the future when things get tough — which they will. We all go through tough times in marriage. Just because God draws you together, it doesn’t mean that you are exempt from working through difficult issues that arise.

Rob Eagar also points out in his book that “similar problems (in overlooking blind spots) are caused by idealizing. We may hold to unreasonable ideals about romantic love or the perfect mate. Having ideals for marriage is crucial, but it is vital that these be realistic and in line with God’s best intentions for our life.”

Amen! Be aware that romantic love can sometimes be fantasy love, where you’re more in love with love and the person you THINK you’re marrying, than the one you are indeed marrying. For this reason, it’s best to prepare more for the marriage than the wedding. The wedding is only a one day fantasy event, which is nice and fun, but marriage is to be lived out for the rest of your lives together.

Don’t try to cheat by holding back on getting to better know each other and learn to work through important issues as you should in a healthy way. It will set the course for the direction of your marriage (if you find that it’s still wise to marry once you’ve done the work you should). We’ve got a lot of tools, articles and recommended resources on our web site to help you in this mission.

Keep in mind that once you’re married, your life will no longer be only yours to consider. You’re no longer ONE individual making decisions as to how you’re to proceed in every situation. From the moment you say “I do”, you change the dynamics of your life FROM THAT DAY FORWARD and your responsibility will be to consider your spouse in every choice you make (and for your spouse to do the same) so you “cleave together” in partnership as God intends. (Read 1 Corinthians 7 and Mark 10:2-9 for further explanation.)

Being cleaved together in marriage doesn’t mean that you’re so enmeshed in each other that one of you is erased. It means that the two of you, with very different personalities, strengths, weaknesses, expectations, and inclinations, may not always THINK ALIKE … but after you make your vows to each other, you are now committed to “THINK TOGETHER.”

Your goal will continually be to make daily choices, considering what’s best for the health of your relationship with each other and with God. Any decision you make that tears away from that sacred commitment comes with a very costly price to pay both emotionally and spiritually.

Marriage isn’t for those who want to hang onto their independence or those who aren’t willing to do the hard work it takes to grow in maturity and selflessness. You should only marry if you are prepared to be resourceful to FIND ways to weather even the toughest of times together.

You also need to look deep within yourself to work on your own issues to become the best you can be as a follower of Christ and a marriage partner — working together with God to love your spouse HIS way. Look to the Bible as your guidebook for that. The principles for loving your spouse are the principles for living that you find throughout the Bible.

“Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen your love and reverence, trust, and obedience for Jesus Christ. Marriage is not so much about you or your spouse — it is more about God” (Emerson Eggerichs). If you can’t love each other as God does, then marrying is not a good idea.

BE VERY SURE BEFORE YOU MARRY that you are BOTH able to live in marriage as God would have you.  “Be imitators of God as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:1-2).

May God give you wisdom in your approach to marriage,
Cindy and Steve Wright

Is that your goal in marriage? It sure is ours! Since the day we committed our lives to Christ, it’s been our goal not to deny God anything. We continually strive to give our all to Him and our lives have been all the richer for it.

We continually pray that when others see us, they will see Christ IN us and will want to know our God better —that we won’t distort the message of the love of Christ through how we live our lives. We also pray we will always live faithful and fully committed to our God and to each other for the rest of our lives. May God help us in this mission, and may this is your mission as well!

This week we want to share with you a true testimony from the lives of two ordinary people who lived in extraordinary faithfulness to the marriage commitment they made to each other over half a decade before. The full article is titled “57 Years in 5 Simple Steps” and was featured in Marriage Partnership Magazine several years ago.

In this article, Phil Callaway had asked his parents to give him “5 good reasons” why they were still together. What his mom wrote was simple and yet has sure has inspired us in our marriage. We hope it will inspire you as well.

The following is a “brief summary” of Phil’s parents’ marital experience: “‘Five reasons We’re Still Together’ by Victor and Bernice Callaway.

1. “EXAMPLE: When we were married, we hardly knew about divorce. I guess everyone at our wedding, including us, fully expected the knot to stay tied. We watched their marriages. We had seen their faithfulness. We would stay faithful too. We realize you won’t have that advantage. Some of your closest friends may pack it in. But no matter how dark the road gets, you will find examples of faithfulness. AND WHEN YOU CAN’T FIND EXAMPLES, YOU CAN STILL BE ONE.

2. “COMMITMENT: Sometimes I felt like walking out on Dad. And a few times I did. Early in our marriage I occasionally took long walks to get away from him. But I always returned to his loving arms. We made a pledge before God that we would stay committed to each other for life.

3. “DEVOTIONS: Through reading God’s Word and praying together almost every night, we learned what God planned and expected for our marriage. We memorized verses that encouraged us to be loving, kind and honest and to keep on forgiving. We asked God for guidance and He provided it. We prayed for children and embraced each one as gifts from God.

4. “TOGETHERNESS: As a Christian family we stuck together, warts and all. Though we often failed, we’re learning to admit wrong and ask for forgiveness. We laughed lots. We cried lots. We talked lots. We worked together and we played together.

5. “GOALS: Since the day we said our vows, our goal has been to walk worthy of the Lord and to keep on walking until we see his face. Sometimes we’ve fallen flat on our faces. But when that happened, we’ve been given grace to get up and claim God’s promise: ‘My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest’ (Exodus 33:14).

“Aging brings with it a whole new challenge. It’s no flat plateau; sometimes the hills seem steeper and the cliffs more precarious, but we’re learning to trust God for what’s ahead and to thank him for the abundant and undeserved mercies of the past.

“Not long after I read my mom’s note, someone informed me that another of my wedding day videos (that he tapes on various weekends) had become obsolete. I thought about my parents standing at the altar on a day when the temperature dipped to 45 below in Toronto. They knew that 10 days later Dad would go back to war, leaving his tearful bride waving from a train station platform. So they joined hands and promised to be faithful. They had no idea that their first child would die in their arms or that they would spend their entire lives below the poverty line. But they vowed to comfort each other, no matter what came their way.

“By today’s standards Mom and Dad didn’t have much… just $75, a solitary wedding ring and a suitcase full of dreams. More than half a century later, they still don’t have much. But their dreams were never about good fortune. Instead they dreamed of children who would follow God — and they got five of them. They dreamed of years of faithfulness — and they got more than 57 years of them. You can travel the world, but I’ll guarantee you one thing: you’ll never meet two wealthier people.”

It’s our prayer that we’ll be able to pass onto our children a love story such as this married couple did. What a precious inheritance! And it is our hope that you’ll also be able to live out a wonderful love story for all who are in your life to witness. As we’ve heard it said before, “It’s not how you start the race that’s as important as how you finish.” If you have issues to work through, lean into learning how to do this with the wisdom and strength God can give you.

We hope that if your love story falls short of that which the Lord longs for you to demonstrate, you’ll take to heart and live out what we’re told in the Bible,

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart” (Hebrews 12:1-3).

Steve and Cindy Wright