How you argue—especially how you end an argument—can determine the long-term success or failure of your relationship. A primary requirement for all fights is to maintain control. You don’t have the license to be childish, abusive or immature. If you have legitimate feelings, you’re entitled to give a reasonable voice to those feelings in a constructive way. (That includes not being self-righteous or taking yourself too seriously.) (Dr Phil McGraw)

One of the things we try to do through Marriage Missions is to bring to your awareness various material that can help to minister to your marriage. We hope you’ll read through the different points presented in these messages and discuss them with your spouse. Dr Phil McGraw did a TV program a while back on “Fighting Fair” that had so much practical advice we thought we’d include parts of it in this message. Here are Dr. Phil’s specific rules for fighting fair:

• Take it private and keep it private. Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don’t have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.

• Keep it relevant. Don’t bring up old grudges or sore points when they don’t belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries down around the subject matter so that a fight doesn’t deteriorate into a free-for-all.

• Keep it real. Deal with what really is at issue, not with a symptom of the problem. Get real about what’s bothering you, or you’ll come away from the exchange even more frustrated.

• Avoid character assassination. Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don’t let the fight degenerate into name-calling.

• Remain task-oriented. Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don’t have a goal in mind, you won’t know when you’ve achieved it.

• Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity. How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you (perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke), and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.

• Be proportional in your intensity. Every single thing you disagree about isn’t an earth-shattering event or issue. You don’t have to get mad every time you have a right to be.

When you fight about everything you’re fighting about nothing.

• There’s a time limit. Arguments should be temporary, so don’t let them get out of hand. Don’t allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely.

VARIOUS POINTS AND QUOTES OF INTEREST FROM THE PROGRAM TO CONSIDER:

• Robin thinks Glenn expected marriage to be like it was when they were dating. Glenn says it’s her fault (for the problems they’re having). Dr Phil tells them to stop “taking inventory” of the other person, and to start looking inward at their own actions. (Good words of advice for all of us.)

• “What’s your objective when you start calling your wife demeaning names?” Dr Phil asks Glenn. “What is it you hope to accomplish when you do that?” “To get out of the argument, to end it, to finish it,” Glenn says. “How’s that working for you?” asks Dr. Phil. (It wasn’t.)

• Dr Phil asks Glenn to think of how Robin must feel when the man she married, and the father of her child, calls her disgusting names. Glenn says he’s never thought about it before. (WHAT ABOUT YOU? HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THIS BEFORE? TAKE THE TIME NOW TO REALLY THINK ABOUT IT AND DISCUSS THE IMPACT CALLING EACH OTHER NAMES HAS ON YOUR SPOUSE AND YOUR CHILDREN.)

• “Have you ever noticed that the stupid things you’re fighting about are the same things over and over? Do you know why? You’ve got to take a subject and see it through to the end,” Dr Phil advises. “The end may be that you agree to disagree. Most things that couples argue about in marriage aren’t resolvable.”

• “So what’s your payoff in this?” asks Dr Phil. “I guess I’m hoping he’ll change and see my side, and say, ‘OK, you’re right,’” says Robin. Dr Phil points out that this strategy is just not working, and that 7½ years into their marriage, she ought to have figured that out!

• “Something you’re getting out of this makes you come back to this. This is a sick addiction. You’re addicted to yelling and screaming. You wouldn’t do it if there wasn’t a pay-off,” says Dr Phil. “The pay-off you’re getting is that you’re venting frustration,” he adds calling them “arguing addicts.”

• Dr Phil concludes that they aren’t holding themselves up to a high enough standard. “You’re allowing yourselves to get down in the gutter in an immature way and you don’t have the right to do that. You made a commitment to each other, you have a child involved, and you have to overcome the addiction. You’ve got to deny yourself the fix. You can get the same relaxation and release by problem solving instead of frustration venting.”

Dr Phil then goes on to talk to another couple (Mike and Karen) who fights in front of their kids and demeans each other. You’ll need to go on line to www.drphil.com (look under: “The Show”, then Feb. 25, 2003, then “Fighting Fair”) to find out what he tells them. (It’s worth the effort!) But we want to share with you one of the things he tells this couple and conclude with a closing statement he addresses to both couples. To Mike and Karen he says:

• “I don’t think marriages are 50/50. I think it’s 100/100.” He tells Mike: “You need to wake up every day and say, ‘What can I do today to make my marriage better? What can I do today to make my family better? What can I do today to make my wife feel like the most important person in the world?’”

Likewise, Karen needs to do the same. “You don’t have to have your partner actively involved to make huge changes in your relationship,” says Dr Phil. “You’re not a victim. You can stimulate and inspire, but you can’t control and change. So maximize your own involvement.”

• Dr Phil then talks with both couples. He asks them, “At what point did you say ‘there’s no personal standard? I can do anything I want to do. I don’t have to be responsible. I can just yell, scream, be ugly, and call names.’ At what point did you dip below the level of any personal requirements or standards?”

Dr Phil concludes by saying: “You guys are both in serious jeopardy. What I’m telling you is that there’s a point at which you have to say, ‘I’m going to be a leader in this situation. If he’s going to yell and scream then he’s going to do it by himself — because I refuse to participate in this.’” It’s a matter of personal integrity and dignity, explains Dr Phil, so be a good mother, father, wife or husband before worrying about someone else’s behavior.

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We pray this has been helpful to you. Dr Phil has a lot of excellent information on his web site at www.drphil.com. The information is downloadable— and a lot of it’s free. You can even click onto a certain past program that you’d like to know more about and there’s a slide show to view the stories that are featured and Dr Phil’s advice. That in itself is helpful. He also has video tapes and manuscripts available of past programs that you can purchase.We’ve personally recorded, and have even purchased key programs to help us in our own marriage (so we can view them over and over again) but also to share with other married couples in small and large group settings. They lend themselves to bring about excellent times of sharing together—whether you agree with the advice or not. 

They’re also great to lend out to others who need extra help in some type of marital situation and serve as a “wake-up call” to those who need it—to see the necessity to work to make their marriages healthier and stronger. (We say all of this hoping that it will give you ideas of how to reach out to others to strengthen marriages.)

In concluding this message we’d like to share the following scriptures with you that we think really applies to all that’s been shared, “The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice” (Proverbs 12:15). “The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out” (Proverbs 18:15). “Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise” (Proverbs 19:20).

God Bless!

Steve and Cindy Wright

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