“Fighting in front of the kids is a silent epidemic. While yelling and screaming are anything but silent, the silence comes from children who don’t have the power to speak up about the pain they’re being caused” (Dr Phil McGraw).

Have you ever thought about the damage you inflict upon your children when you fight with each other in front of them? Let me repeat that— have you REALLY ever thought about the damage you inflict upon your children when you fight with each other in front of them?

Or are you like we were all too often, “caught up in the heat of the argument” with our spouse—bent on getting our points across to each other—absolutely oblivious to the fact that the children God had entrusted to us were experiencing the real assault in all of this. How tragic!

This especially hit home to us when we watched a television show with Dr Phil McGraw called, “Fighting in Front of the Kids.” It was a real eye-opener.

In it a married couple who had cameras placed in their home yelled and screamed at each other in front of their children. The reaction of the children, (who their parents paid no attention to at the times of their arguments) showed that they experienced real emotional insecurities and deep hurt as they watched the two “adults” they love most in this world yell and scream at each other with no thought to their young audience.

We wish that every married couple could see this program because it really demonstrates how blind we can be to the harm we inflict upon our children when we subject them to actions such as these. As the married couple watched the video of themselves they could hardly believe that they never even paid attention or thought about what this did to their children—they were too caught up in themselves.

As Dr Phil remarked, “When you fight with each other in front of your children, you forever change who they are.” He also says, “Fighting in front of your kids is nothing short of abuse”—which we totally agree.

It’s our prayer that as we share this with you, God will impress upon your heart, that if you’re subjecting your children to this that you’ll come together and ask God to show you how to stop assaulting them in this manner.

The Bible says, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11). And keeping ourselves under control so we don’t hurt our children in such horrific ways is a huge reason to stop acting like fools.

The Bible also says in Philippians 4:29: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” How is fighting in front of your kids “building them up” or benefiting them as they “listen?”

On Dr Phil’s web site www.drphil.com you’ll find a lot of helpful information on this area. One is a document that you can download for free that we’d like to share with you. It’s entitled, Stop Fighting in Front of the Kids. It says:

• Children learn what they live. Stop and think about what you’re teaching them.

• What goes through your mind when you do it? How do you justify doing this? Why do you think you’re entitled to fight in front of your kids? You’ve got to look at this and say, “This ain’t workin!” Stop justifying it. The kids are picking up the tab.

• You have a choice: either vent your impulse or love your children. Those are mutually exclusive. When you fight in front of your kids, you are putting your need to explode ahead of your kids’ best interest and peace of mind.

• What are you fighting about? What’s your goal when you call each other names? Is it worth trashing your children’s harmony? Can you even remember what was so important last week that you were willing to trample over your children? What “victory” were you looking for? Is it worth it? Do you think your kids think it’s worth it?

• There are important issues in every marriage that need to be discussed. Turn the volume down to deal with them.

• Stop being a “right-fighter.” The kids don’t care who’s right. “They want you to shut up,” says Dr. Phil.

• Don’t say you can’t control your anger. That’s not true. It’s that you don’t control your anger. Have you had fights at your boss’s house? At church? At a restaurant with friends? You don’t do it when you can’t.

• The only person you control is you. Choose to control your impulses.

So how do you stop the fighting? Here are a few suggestions (that we agree with) that Dr Phil gives in another document he offers for free entitled:

Once you’ve made the decision to never fight in front of your children again use this strategy for sticking to your plan.

• Decide on a visual cue with your spouse — holding up a card, for instance — to signal that a fight is starting and it’s time to nip it in the bud.

• If you’re going to have a discussion, take it somewhere private and conduct it hand-in-hand with your mate. Deal with your partner closely and personally. It makes it easier to communicate, and much harder to argue.

• Take the word “anger” out of your vocabulary. (Words like “steamed” or “ticked off” aren’t allowed either.) Instead, replace it with what is at the root of anger — possibly fear, hurt or frustration (or all three).

• Express your needs to your partner. No, he/she may not already know what those needs are. Be articulate. State what you need plainly and specifically. Remain calm.

• Work the problem. Cooperation, not competition, is the idea here, so take some time to calm down before finding a solution to the issue.

• Share a moment of peace to reaffirm your bond once a resolution or decision has been reached. This might be, for example, a silent 60-second hug, or looking into one another’s eyes for a minute.

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Our desire is that if this week’s message “rings true” in your home, that you will take the necessary steps to get help (if you need it) or deal with it so you can change your behavior NOW. It will be the best gift you’ve ever given your children.

Steve and Cindy Wright