“A man’s instincts tell him that his home is his castle, where he can live in comfort without anyone having any more expectations of him—especially not his wife. And only when there is a genuine crisis at home does he make any real effort to eliminate barriers that might hinder a smoothly running home —and most men think a smoothly running home is the same as a smoothly running relationship.” (Ken Nair, Discovering the Mind of A Woman, Thomas Nelson Publishing)

MEN: This is the second week I (Steve) am writing the Marriage Message. Therefore, I’d like to take the opportunity to speak more directly to the husbands again. I also thought a good follow-up to last week’s message on “The Business of Marriage,” would be to address the subject of our (male) instincts.

I have found out (the hard way) that if I rely on my instincts in my relationship with Cindy then my marriage is going to “stink” (pun intended). Okay, maybe “stink” is too strong of word. But I can tell you there were times in our marriage that my instincts really caused problems in our relationship.

Let me give you just one example: Early in our marriage when we were having some serious communication problems, my “instincts” told me the best thing I could do is to stay away from home more (so I worked a lot of unpaid overtime). I reasoned, “if I’m not home, we can’t argue. And if we don’t argue, then everything will be just fine.”

Now, if you don’t think there’s anything wrong with that logic—stay tuned— because I think the rest of the Marriage Message will help all of us see the importance of being intentional and not instinctive in how we relate to our spouses.

Again, I draw from Ken Nair’s book, “Discovering The Mind Of A Woman,” as he paints a very clear picture of how we men think by offering three insights:

1. Husbands do not generally understand the minds of their wives.

2. Husbands are inclined to be blind to their own faults, and yet extremely alert to their wives’ failures, and they are very quick to condemn them for their faults.

3. Husbands don’t always know how to evaluate the circumstances in their marriages from God’s perspective, so they miss the opportunity to use those circumstances as building blocks. Few men know how to make the change from just seeing what is happening to also see what God is trying to teach them through what is happening.

Any arguments on Ken’s insights? While I can’t speak for you, he certainly had me pegged. Now, I’m also quick to point out that about 99.9% of us husbands don’t set out to intentionally sabotage our marriages. But because most of us are “relationally challenged,” sensitivity to our wives’ needs is not something that comes natural to us. I think Ken offers a really good “Litmus Test” for husbands to be able to see just how sensitive we are to our wives’ spirit and needs.

“You can gauge the sensitivity of your spirit by asking, ‘Am I meeting the needs of my wife’s spirit?’ How will you know it? Very simple. If your wife is unpleasant, difficult to live with, and frequently depressed and moody, then you are not ministering to her spirit.

If your wife is pleasant, easy to live with, and able to handle the stresses of life confidently, then you are in all likelihood ministering to the needs of her spirit.”

If we’re going to move from instinctive behavior to intentional behavior we’re also going to have to change some of the root cause for our behavior—being un-Christlike in our attitudes. Nair says:

“We as men label women as mysterious and incomprehensible because it takes the responsibility off us to become truly Christlike in our attitudes and behavior toward our wives. It excuses our unwillingness to genuinely listen to their hearts, to try and determine how their feelings are being displayed in their eyes, facial expressions and body language.

Most of all, it provides a rationalization for not listening to our wives when they are being used by the spirit of God to point out some of our weaknesses that God wants to deal with.”

Now Nair begins to drive home for us what it will take to move from Instinctive to Intentional: “Isn’t it your goal to build your marriage relationship so that the central focus in it is Christlikeness—letting your wife know that no matter what, she can trust you to respond with a Christlike attitude toward her?

God holds us as men accountable for the success of our marriages. The position of husband carries with it the charge of being spiritually responsible. And my responsibility to the relationship with my wife is to be just as Jesus’ responsibility to the relationship to the church.”

One pastor said to me, ‘Whenever I heard the expression laying down your life, I always equated it with being willing to die for my wife. I imagined it like being a marine jumping on a grenade to prevent his friends in the foxhole from dying. And of course, I have always said, Yes, I would be willing to die for my wife.

But you’re talking about something else here. You’re talking to me about learning to put my wife first in our marriage, about trying to meet her needs, even before meeting my own needs. And if it comes to a situation where it’s a matter of opinion between my wife and me, I’m to give her opinions priority over mine. In other words, I’m to put consideration for my wife before my own needs in our everyday living. Boy, that’s going to be rough.’

Because we as men think short term so much of the time, we don’t recognize the long-term implications of our attitudes and behavior-often until it’s too late.”

“Christlike attitudes produce loving emotions and Christlike responses. That’s what our wives are trying to help us see —if we will only listen for attitudes and emotions rather than only the facts.”

“Our goal as husbands is to be in it for the long haul, to be committed to understanding our wives and learning to meet their needs. We ought to stick with becoming Christlike, no matter how long it takes our wives to recognize it, no matter how many sacrifices we have to make.”

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If you’re not clear what Christlike behavior or attitudes towards our wives is to look like, go back to Ephesians 5:25-30. I also think Philippians 2:5-8 gives us another good look at this subject.I know I’ve said it before, but I believe Ken Nair’s book, Discovering The Mind Of A Woman is a MUST READ for every husband. You can also find out more about his ministry to men by visiting his web site at www.lifepartners.org.Let me again ask all of the husbands to commit to praying together this coming week that God will reveal to us any truth in this message that we need to apply so that we will become Intentional instead of Instinctive in our behavior towards our wives.Because of Christ,
Steve and Cindy Wright 

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