Before we get into this great article by Julie Baumgardner and the one after that by Dr William Doherty, we want to preface what they say by stating that we’re aware that it may not be possible for many of you to “shop” for a counselor as these authors advise. But we hope that you’ll glean from them whatever information you CAN apply.

(PLEASE NOTE: we have an article in this same section titled “Applying the Gleaning Principle to Human Advisers” that you may want to read either before or after reading these articles to further explain what we mean by this. Counselors can be GREAT and very Godly, but they aren’t all-knowing so discern what you should and what you shouldn’t use from every article and every bit of advice you receive which is beyond that which God gives you directly.)

It was an all too familiar conversation. Jody (not her real name) went to see a marriage counselor hoping to receive guidance to help get her marriage back on track. “After seeing the counselor twice, he told us, ‘You have three choices. You can separate for a period of time, file for divorce or keep on working,’” said Jody. “We were looking for someone to work with us on a specific plan for our marriage. Instead, we got a totally neutral counselor who didn’t seem to care whether or not our marriage survived. We weren’t neutral about wanting to save our marriage, he was.”

According to Dr. Willard Harley, psychologist and author of numerous books including the internationally best selling book, His Needs, Her Needs, this isn’t unusual. During one woman’s first visit with a therapist, she specifically said that divorce wasn’t an option. However, at the end of the session the therapist told her he thought she really needed to consider divorce. This is spite of the fact that there was no violence in the marriage, just love gone cold.

“People who seek help from marriage counselors usually assume that the goal of therapy is saving the marriage,” said Dr. Harley. “Unfortunately, most marital therapists are specifically trained to be non-directive or neutral. They see themselves as someone couples can talk to, but not someone who will coach them into changes that will ultimately save their marriage.”

A recent Consumer’s Report study indicated that only 16% of those who seek marital counseling find it to be helpful, the lowest of all forms of therapy. Dr. Harley attributes that low level of success to the abundance of counselors who use non-directive methods.

“How can a plan possibly achieve its goal when there’s no goal?” asks Dr. Harley. “It’s no wonder that most marriage counseling is so ineffective.” This doesn’t mean that couples shouldn’t seek help. In fact, Dr. Harley encourages couples in trouble to find a marriage counselor to help save their marriage.

“Couples need to understand that there are times in even the strongest of marriages when you need additional support and motivation that frequently only a professional marriage counselor or marriage educator can provide,” said Dr. Harley. “An effective marriage counselor or educator will help you avoid or overcome intense emotional trauma associated with a failing marriage, create a plan that will help you’re your marriage and motivate you to complete that plan.”

Whether your marriage is in significant distress or just needs some assistance in getting through a tough time, Dr. Harley believes that couples should know how to pick an effective marriage counselor. Before they set up their first appointment, they should ask the counselor certain questions to make sure he’ll help them accomplish their goals of making their marriage mutually fulfilling.

Dr. Harley suggests that couples do the following before choosing a marriage counselor:

• Ask to schedule a phone interview with the counselor (10-15 minutes). If the counselor isn’t willing to have an initial conversation with you over the phone, eliminate that counselor from consideration.

• During the interview you should ask about the following:

1. What’s your goal for our marriage? (Answer: To help you both achieve marital fulfillment, and save your marriage).

2. What are your credentials and years of experience in marriage counseling?

3. State, “This is our problem (briefly explain).” Do you have experience helping couples overcome that problem, and what’s your success rate? (Answer: Experience helping couples overcome that particular problem with over 75% success).

After both spouses have an opportunity to speak to a few marriage counselors, Dr. Harley suggests choosing the one that answers those questions appropriately. Then set up your first appointment.

“Jody” and her husband ultimately made the decision to divorce. Looking back at the whole scenario, they question if divorce should have even been an option. At the time, they both felt hopeless about their marriage, and without a plan for its recovery, divorce seemed to be the only answer.

If the counselor had encouraged them to save their marriage by giving them a plan, they might be happily married today. They’ll always wonder if another, more encouraging, counselor would have helped change the course of their lives and the lives of their children.

Julie Baumgardner is the Executive Director of First Things First, a research and advocacy organization dedicated to strengthening families through education, collaboration and mobilization. She can be reached at mailto:julieb@firstthings.org.

The original article, titled, Marriage 911, was sent to us from Smartmarriages® Sent: March 30, 2003 Subject: Coalitions/Marriage 911/Contemporary Families/Reconciler/ - 3/30/03

Below you will find an additional piece which came from William J. Doherty, PhD, Family Social Science Department, in the University of Minnesota address to the Smart Marriages conference regarding questions you might ask a Therapist in making your choice:

“People considering therapy should learn to ask questions to learn about the therapist’s training and value orientation. They can ask a therapist on the phone or in the first session the following kinds of questions:

• “Can you describe your background and training in marital therapy?” If the therapist is self-taught or workshop-trained, and can’t point to a significant education in this work, then consider going elsewhere.

• “What is your attitude toward salvaging a trouble marriage versus helping couples break up?” (If the therapist says he or she is “neutral,” or “I don’t try to save marriage, I try to help people” look elsewhere. I’d also run if the therapist says he or she does not believe in divorce.)

• “What is your approach when one partner is seriously considering ending the marriage and the other wants to save it?” (If the therapist responds by focusing only on helping each person clarify their personal feelings and decisions, consider looking elsewhere.)

• “What percentage of your practice is marital therapy?” (Avoid therapists who mostly do individual therapy.)

• “Of the couples you treat, what percentage would you say work out enough of their problems to stay married with a reasonable amount of satisfaction with the relationship?” “What percentage of the couples you see, break up while they are seeing you?” “What is the percentage that do not improve?” “What do you think makes the differences in these results?” (If someone says “100%” stay together, I would be concerned, and if they say that staying together is not a measure of success for them, I’d be concerned.”)

We hope the above helps you and that you restore your relationship completely! For the full article click here: HOW THERAPY CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR MARITAL HEALTH @ CMFCE CONFERENCE, JULY 3, 1999 William J. Doherty, PhD (Click to link to article)

“BAD COUPLES THERAPY: HOW TO AVOID IT” another discourse by Dr. William Doherty, Phd. 2002 (click to link)

We also recommend a web site that, although it is not a Christian web site, it is dedicated to helping you find a therapist that is committed to marriage. It is a web site for the National Registry for Marriage-Friendly Therapists which you can visit when you:

CLICK HERE