The following is a true testimony written by Nancy Anderson edited from the excellent book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome. Nancy tells what happened to her marriage with her husband Ron after it was discovered that she was having an affair with another man she had worked with. After a long series of circumstances including leaving her husband for a period of time, she eventually came to the realization she wanted to work to put their marriage back together again. Despite all she had done, her husband graciously agreed to do so. When she called her parents and gave them a tearful confession of what had happened, her parents affirmed their love for both of them and expressed interest in helping them rebuild their marital relationship. After traveling a long distance to their home this is what Nancy wrote:
We arrived at my parents’ home late in the evening. After a lot of hugs and a few tears, we went into their family room. After the usual small talk, my Dad spoke the unspoken. “What’s your plan?”
My husband, Ron, leaned forward and said, “Plan? Plan for what?”
“You two are going to have to figure out why your marriage fell apart, how to fix it, and how to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
Ron replied, “Well, I don’t know if we need to do all that. I don’t even want to talk about what she did. It’s too painful. Nancy’s back home now — we’ll just move on from here.”
Dad continued, “It doesn’t work that way. If you rebuild a house on a cracked foundation, it might be all right for a while; might even feel solid and stable. But when the storms come, the crack will split the house. And the Bible tells us that a house divided won’t stand. If you don’t repair the foundation of your marriage, it won’t survive. The memory of Nancy’s betrayal and the guilt you’ll force her to carry will be unbearable—for both of you. I don’t think you’ll be able to move on until you, Ron, make one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.”
“What decision is that?”
“Has Nancy told you she’s sorry for what she’s done?”
“Yes, she has apologized to me several times.”
“Did she ask you to forgive her?”
“No, not in those exact words.”
Dad turned to me and continued, “When you tell someone you’re sorry, it’s very different from asking for their forgiveness. Your ’sorry-ness’ is your decision. But when you ask someone to forgive you, that’s their decision. It’s difficult because it gives all the power to the other person.”
“That’s a scary thought,” I said, without meaning to say it aloud.
Then he spoke to Ron, who looked confused and apprehensive. “When you forgive someone, you make a choice to banish the offense from your mind and your heart. Jesus said that after He forgives us, our sins are as far away as the East is from the West. In other words, they are pardoned. Not because we’re not guilty, but because we are. Our pardon is undeserved — it’s a gift to us from God.”
He continued, “If you decide to forgive Nancy, you can never use her sin against her. God will give you the strength to start a new life together. If you choose not to forgive, if you want to hold on to the pain, or punish her, and keep her wound open, that will be your choice. But if you choose that, I don’t think you’ll stay married. You have biblical grounds to divorce her, but you don’t have to. It is your decision. I want you both to pray about what I’ve said, and make your decision. We will continue this conversation in the morning.”
After a long and restless night, we met again. The three of them were sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for me. I felt like the adulterous woman wearing the Scarlet Letter on the way to her hanging. If Ron would not forgive me, the noose would tighten around my neck and the floor would seem to drop away. I was completely at his mercy.
I avoided eye contact and sat directly across from Ron. I asked my dad, “How do we do this? I want to ask Ron to forgive me, but what do I say?”
“If you’ve decided to ask Ron’s forgiveness, tell him what you want to be forgiven for, and then simply ask him the question. Ron will decide whether to forgive you or not. You ask; he answers. It’s the simplest thing you two will ever do — and the hardest.”
Ron had his head down so I couldn’t read his eyes. I thought, “What if I ask Ron for mercy and he denies me? What am I going to do if he starts to lecture me or list off all my sins?”
I looked over at my sweet, wounded husband and saw the wide-eyed face of a frightened twelve-year-old boy. I spoke quickly so that I wouldn’t lose the safety of the moment. “Ron, I’ve betrayed you mentally, spiritually, and physically. I’ve lied to you and deceived you. I have no defense, no excuses. I’ve sinned against God and against you. Can you — will you please forgive me?”
He leaned forward, never letting go of my eyes. The little boy was gone as my strong and confidant husband took my hands in his and said, “Nancy, we’ve both done and said terrible things to each other. Our marriage was a mess — and a lot of it was my fault. But I take a stand today to change all that. You have betrayed me, but I choose to forgive you.”
We both began to cry and our tears mixed with divine love that flowed through the room. Our hearts were knit together—as one. We began again with a new, solid marriage foundation.
After we made the decision to reconcile and reform our marriage, we immediately sought advice from many different sources. We went to a Christian marriage counselor, who helped us learn to communicate more effectively. We also read several books about “starting over” and attended some marriage retreats and workshops.
One of the most important things we did was join a wonderful church and faithfully attend worship services and adult Sunday school classes. We received solid biblical teaching from a godly pastor, and we acted on his instruction.
The transformation was a slow process. We’d developed many destructive habits, and some of them took years to die. We decided to stay together and act lovingly toward each other, and eventually our feelings caught up with our actions. We learned that married love is not a feeling. It is a decision — and we decided to love each other.
Since our reconciliation in 1980, we’ve completely rebuilt our marriage. We had to destroy the old foundation—selfishness—and rebuild upon the rock—Jesus. We used a perfect blueprint—the Bible—and now our home stands firm.
We also created a new landscape for our marriage, planting hedges around it for protection. What are hedges? Hedges are boundaries. In Mark 12:1 Jesus said, “A man planted a vineyard and set a hedge around it.” First, the man planted a vineyard. Think of your marriage as a vineyard. You “planted” it the day you said, I do.
Next, the man in the parable placed a hedge around his vineyard. Why? Several reasons: to protect it from intrusion by animals and thieves; to keep his vines inside his vineyard; and to separate his territory from his neighbor’s.
A hedge makes the statement, “Private Property, No Trespassing.” The symbolic hedges around our marriages serve the same purposes. As married couples, our goal, as co-owners of our vineyard, is to keep the good things in —and the bad things out.
I also refuse to entertain the stray thoughts anymore. Instead, I replaced them with images of the new life that Ron and I were building. I also discovered that encouraging others with our story of restoration gave a purpose to our pain. This summer, we will celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary and I’m thrilled to tell you that our marriage is strong, loving, and healed.
Author Nancy Anderson and her husband, Ron, conduct couples’ retreats and marriage seminars to help others to predict, prevent or pardon infidelity. You can read more from Nancy at www.NancyCAnderson.
Adapted from the book, Avoiding The Greener Grass Syndrome, published by Kregel Publications. As some reviewers have said —which we agree, “This is wisdom born of tragic but genuine experience. Because Nancy Anderson nearly ruined her marriage due to infidelity, she truly knows the misery that an affair can cause. Her honesty, vulnerability, and repentance provide marital lessons guaranteed to revitalize and strengthen couples who are susceptible to the lure of an affair. She does a terrific job telling her compelling U-turn story of rebellion, repentance, and restoration. In the second part of the book, she gives helpful suggestions and funny examples that demonstrate how to create a healthy and satisfying marriage. She has a delightful way of teaching without preaching.” This really is a very good book for every Christian couple to read! We highly recommend it.
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(USA) Chandra, thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I actually posted the wrong heading and the response was to Sad Happy’s post. But to God be the glory because we are all in this together. Again, Sad Happy your post touched my heart. Be Blessed.!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear Chanda, my heart rejoices over your decision to do the right thing. Know that God will honor this and will help you restore your old self and your marriage. I will continue to pray, especially cause I know things for you are going to become very difficult now. But stay strong, keep your focus on God and his wonderful promises in His word.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear Lynne, I am feeling so humbled right now that my post blessed you. For I was basically in the same position as your husband, and every time I hear the faithful partner’s side and his/her feelings, I do wish that Satan would stop attacking christian marriages, or any marriage for that sake. Lynne, my heart goes out to you and people like Mark and people like my husband who are willing to forgive the unfaithful partner.
I can probably say from being where your husband is now, that it is really hard for him as well. Although it probably doesn’t seem like he wants to continue doing the right thing, I can almost assure you, he wants to, but the devil is attacking him so much. I’ve read on another post on this website, that adultery is like an addiction and once you stop it, you go through the withdrawal system, and it is so true. Sad thing is, so many people are just not able to overcome these withdrawals, but Lynne, my advise would be, although I can just imagine how depressed, betrayed and hurt you must feel, continue to pray for your husband. Lay him at God’s feet every single time you think about it. I do believe that is what my husband did for me, although it wasn’t easy, cause are all human beings with actual feelings. I will pray for you and your husband, especially for your husband and for the things he is experiencing, as i have been there myself. I am also going to pray that God would send someone, a Godly man, over his path to whom he can open up. I would like to pray for you now:
“Dear God, I lay Lynne at your feet now. You know the pain and hurt she is going through, you see the depression that is taking a hold of her life, but Lord, my prayer is that your Spirit would now come upon her, that It would bring her peace knowing that You are in control, and only by Your strength are we able to overcome this which attacking us. Lord, bless her for being the woman she is, for still seeking your heart and will. Let your Spirit lead her to do and say the right things, as we know in our human spirit, we just want to give up. Give her strength, give her wisdom and give her peace and calmness. I pray that You will take control in their marriage. Continue to speak to her husband, Holy Spirit, continue to speak to his soul. Lord, in all my humbleness, I pray that You would restore their marriage just as You did with mine. Protect them both my Father. And already I want to thank you for doing this, cause I know You are a merciful God! Thank You My Father!”
(PHILIPPINES) I’m thankful that I’ve stumbled onto this site and read all the discussions. I’m a husband who is currently having an affair who is a college friend of my brother. I wanted to end this sexual relationship that I have with her but I’m always tempted to go back to her. I’m very vulnerable because me and my wife are staying different places due to our work.
Whenever I’m sad, I tend to message my brother’s friend and there she was very open to comfort me. The last time we met we made love and after I was very guilty because I promised God that I will not fall for that sin again because I love my family and I don’t want to have a broken family. Now I’m afraid that she might get pregnant because we didn’t use any protection. Her due to menstration cycle will be this coming october 23. I’m praying that she will not be pregnant. I know that what I’m doing is a sin and I’m trying hard not to stumble satan’s trap. I want to change, I’m very guilty of what I did and I don’t want my wife to know about my affair because she will not accept my asking for forgiveness. I’m very worried that my brother’s friend will have a delay on her period. Please help me pray. I ask God every night for forgiveness and help me to be strong.
(USA) SAD-HAPPY— I just read your prayer and thank your for your heartfelt words. I felt the presence of the Lord. Since posting my husbands decision to leave has happened. I continue to hold to God’s unchanging hand. For the last 7 days His awesome love has kept me. It is amazing how He connects the Body of Christ together.
How wonderful for Him to give me a personal insight into the heart of the other woman to know her pain and struggles as well. Indeed what the enemy means for harm God will use for good. It had been impressed upon me earlier to pray for the other woman and your testimony confirms it. 2 Timothy 2:24-26 states… “The Lord’s servants must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone. They must be able to teach effectively and be patient with difficult people. They should gently teach those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will believe the truth. Then they will come to their senses and escpae from the Devil’s trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants.” WOW!! The word explains exactly what has taken place a HOSTAGE SITUATION so to speak.
In my previous post I asked God why was I back at this place. God has whispered to me that I was not ready for the type of restoration he was giving me. He gave me discernment and revealed things to me of just how in bondage my husband was to the lust of the flesh and the strongholds of the chords of sin. I was still not broken, I had pride (ashamed of what was going on and wanting to hide it, thinking my efforts and mistakes surely caused all to fail), self-righteousness (why my husband just didn’t get it) lack of trust (continuing to look at my circumstances). It is a humbling place to be and it’s where He wants me.
As much as I did not want to admit it I was making the restoration of my marriage my idol. Doing the right thing the wrong way. God tore it all down!!! But he is yet faithful. He speaks to my soul and comforts me and tells me in spite of me he loves me and will never leave. He is right here with me feeling my pain.What is the most important aspect in all of this for all of us women and men of GOD is THE REDEMPTIVE GRACE OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR. HOW COMPASSIONATE HE IS TO WANT US ALL TO COME TO THE KNOWLEDGE THAT WE ARE ALL IN NEED OF A SAVIOR TO BE ABLE TO REST WITH HIM IN ETERNITY. It is the will of the Father that we be saved and that we live for Him and spread the GOOD NEWS OF THE GOSPEL. For this reason I will never stop praying for my husband’s soul that his eyes are open to this truth.!! It is an assignment that I ask Father if this cup can pass. But Nevertheless…….. Love you and God Bless!!!
(CANADA) Hi Lynne, I just read your message and decided to write back and just encourage you to keep on standing for your marriage. I was there once when my husband had an affair and he never used to come home especially on weekends and that used to be so hard for me. This website helped me a lot and the people’s prayers.
I just wanted to tell you to ask God for patience coz you’ll need it. It’s not an easy journey but I tell you in the end it will be worth it. God is faithful and He will work on you first and change you and then your husband. In the end you’ll have a marriage that you never ever imagined. I love the scripture from James 1:2-4 about perseverance and how it makes us grow and that’s true you’ll come out of this a much stronger and more mature woman that you were before.
It wasn’t easy for me coz my husband worked with this woman and saw each other daily. I used to be angry and sad but I pushed on. The hardest thing for me was when I started praying for this other woman but I pushed on and asked God to give me the grace to forgive. It took me a while to completely forgive her but I did it. God was also faithful because I once told Him that I don’t like it that they work together and she ended up leaving the company PRAISE GOD.
God will bring your husband back. He brought mine back and I can testify and say that I never thought I’d have a marriage that is so great and fulfilling. I’m glad that we went through all that pain coz God had to get our attention and place us in a situation where we seek Him and believe only in Him. So gal, it’s gonna be fine it won’t be easy, but with God nothing is impossible.
I read the book by Gary Thomas A SACRED INFLUENCE. It’s really good book. If you can, read it. I’ll be praying for you and your husband.
(USA) Hi Anne: Thank you so much for the words or encouragement. God always knows what we need. Because today is a hard day. The suddeness of the deparure of my beloved always catches me off guard. We had recently reconciled and were in the midst of working on so many things. As his helpmate and one flesh it feels actually like a tearing of the heart and soul.
Today is hard I feel his spirit trying to push through his decision while continuing to bargain with God about it. Of course I’m concerned if he’s eating properly, resting, etc. I live alone. We both have adult children that are on their own and 1 minor with her mom. So the house is quiet. It’s kinda strange because at any moment I feel he’ll put the key in the door.
As much as the enemy would want me to believe it, I know on the other side of this it’s not all great. I try not to come down too hard on myself when feeling down God knows the truth of the matter, but praise Him because He is an ever present help in the midst of this time of uncertainty. I am truly blessed and have two Sisters in Christ who allow me to share my feelings and are really good listeners. Through this journey I have connected with them as they have walked along this same path. I keep myself connected to my church family and stay involved. Again thank you so much for reaching out and GOD BLESS!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Worried, you are exactly in the same position as me. I have fallen into this trap of adultery sin with another man. And it’s very difficult because like you, I’m living in a different country from my husband, so I do get lonely sometimes. My husband and I can only manage to visit each other every 2-3 months in a year. My husband calls a lot and I love him. He is a God fearing man. If he knew about this it would crush him.
I know what the right thing is to do but I am finding it difficult to follow through. I believe the best thing is to keep praying and make new friends of the same sex who you can spend time with. Try and keep away from her. The Bible says we should flee from sin (1 Corinthians 6:18-20; 1 Corinthians 7:1-2). Please keep away from her and try and break all contact with her. I am currently trying to minimize my contact with the man I am having an affair with. I want to break it off but I’m still struggling to tell him.
I met him over the weekend and was supposed to tell him about my decision to break it of with him, but I failed. He told me he loved me and would rather share me than live without me. I am very disappointed with myself and dislike myself right now for failing to follow through with what I had planned to do.
I’m sure sad–happy is also disappointed. I’m sorry to let you down. You encouraged me and helped come to the right decision BUT I failed. I’m actually now worried because I sometimes miss him and feel that I might be falling for him. I’m still trying to pray and ask God to give me the courage to do the right thing. Please seek God and draw close to Him.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear Chanda…. Don’t be so hard on you… and I am not going to judge you for failing to do the right thing. I know how hard it is, I have been there myself. I tried breaking it off many, many times, where I told the guy, sorry no more… and then we would have no contact for a week and I find myself calling him up again. Then the whole thing would start over. This happened over and over. Break it up… going back… break it up… going back. So yes, I do understand how hard it is, cause I know you really want to break it off cause you know it is the right thing to do.
I honestly don’t have much advice, other than I will continue to pray for you. Please remember, the hurt, pain, guilt etc are not going to disappear overnight. It is really a healing process that can take a lot of time, BUT is most definitely is possible.
Stay strong in Christ Chanda! There are many that overcame this, and you are also able to do so. I know it seems impossible and very very very hard, cause the feelings you have are feelings that can’t just be ignored and pushed aside. But remember, to act on feelings is not always the right thing to do. I am sure when Christ died on the cross for us, He FELT like He didn’t want to, but He pushed aside His own feelings, to do the will of God. I will continue to pray for you. Keep me updated. Love
(PHILIPPINES) Hi Chanda, thanks for the prayers. I’m very worried now because she will have her menstruation this Oct. 22. I prayed that she will have a menstration. You’re right Chanda, we both know the right from wrong but it’s hard to get over it. I tried to forget her and lessen the contacts from her. Please forgive me Lord for what I’ve done and please God, help me that she will have her menstruation.
Chanda, I’m also happy because God answered my prayers because my wife and son will be transfered here soon by the end of the year. So with my family here in my place I will not be lonely no more. So I’m anxiously waiting for her period to arrived. Please include me in your prayers. Thanks.