The following is a true testimony written by Nancy Anderson edited from the excellent book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome. Nancy tells what happened to her marriage with her husband Ron after it was discovered that she was having an affair with another man she had worked with. After a long series of circumstances including leaving her husband for a period of time, she eventually came to the realization she wanted to work to put their marriage back together again. Despite all she had done, her husband graciously agreed to do so. When she called her parents and gave them a tearful confession of what had happened, her parents affirmed their love for both of them and expressed interest in helping them rebuild their marital relationship. After traveling a long distance to their home this is what Nancy wrote:
We arrived at my parents’ home late in the evening. After a lot of hugs and a few tears, we went into their family room. After the usual small talk, my Dad spoke the unspoken. “What’s your plan?”
My husband, Ron, leaned forward and said, “Plan? Plan for what?”
“You two are going to have to figure out why your marriage fell apart, how to fix it, and how to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
Ron replied, “Well, I don’t know if we need to do all that. I don’t even want to talk about what she did. It’s too painful. Nancy’s back home now — we’ll just move on from here.”
Dad continued, “It doesn’t work that way. If you rebuild a house on a cracked foundation, it might be all right for a while; might even feel solid and stable. But when the storms come, the crack will split the house. And the Bible tells us that a house divided won’t stand. If you don’t repair the foundation of your marriage, it won’t survive. The memory of Nancy’s betrayal and the guilt you’ll force her to carry will be unbearable—for both of you. I don’t think you’ll be able to move on until you, Ron, make one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.”
“What decision is that?”
“Has Nancy told you she’s sorry for what she’s done?”
“Yes, she has apologized to me several times.”
“Did she ask you to forgive her?”
“No, not in those exact words.”
Dad turned to me and continued, “When you tell someone you’re sorry, it’s very different from asking for their forgiveness. Your ’sorry-ness’ is your decision. But when you ask someone to forgive you, that’s their decision. It’s difficult because it gives all the power to the other person.”
“That’s a scary thought,” I said, without meaning to say it aloud.
Then he spoke to Ron, who looked confused and apprehensive. “When you forgive someone, you make a choice to banish the offense from your mind and your heart. Jesus said that after He forgives us, our sins are as far away as the East is from the West. In other words, they are pardoned. Not because we’re not guilty, but because we are. Our pardon is undeserved — it’s a gift to us from God.”
He continued, “If you decide to forgive Nancy, you can never use her sin against her. God will give you the strength to start a new life together. If you choose not to forgive, if you want to hold on to the pain, or punish her, and keep her wound open, that will be your choice. But if you choose that, I don’t think you’ll stay married. You have biblical grounds to divorce her, but you don’t have to. It is your decision. I want you both to pray about what I’ve said, and make your decision. We will continue this conversation in the morning.”
After a long and restless night, we met again. The three of them were sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for me. I felt like the adulterous woman wearing the Scarlet Letter on the way to her hanging. If Ron would not forgive me, the noose would tighten around my neck and the floor would seem to drop away. I was completely at his mercy.
I avoided eye contact and sat directly across from Ron. I asked my dad, “How do we do this? I want to ask Ron to forgive me, but what do I say?”
“If you’ve decided to ask Ron’s forgiveness, tell him what you want to be forgiven for, and then simply ask him the question. Ron will decide whether to forgive you or not. You ask; he answers. It’s the simplest thing you two will ever do — and the hardest.”
Ron had his head down so I couldn’t read his eyes. I thought, “What if I ask Ron for mercy and he denies me? What am I going to do if he starts to lecture me or list off all my sins?”
I looked over at my sweet, wounded husband and saw the wide-eyed face of a frightened twelve-year-old boy. I spoke quickly so that I wouldn’t lose the safety of the moment. “Ron, I’ve betrayed you mentally, spiritually, and physically. I’ve lied to you and deceived you. I have no defense, no excuses. I’ve sinned against God and against you. Can you — will you please forgive me?”
He leaned forward, never letting go of my eyes. The little boy was gone as my strong and confidant husband took my hands in his and said, “Nancy, we’ve both done and said terrible things to each other. Our marriage was a mess — and a lot of it was my fault. But I take a stand today to change all that. You have betrayed me, but I choose to forgive you.”
We both began to cry and our tears mixed with divine love that flowed through the room. Our hearts were knit together—as one. We began again with a new, solid marriage foundation.
After we made the decision to reconcile and reform our marriage, we immediately sought advice from many different sources. We went to a Christian marriage counselor, who helped us learn to communicate more effectively. We also read several books about “starting over” and attended some marriage retreats and workshops.
One of the most important things we did was join a wonderful church and faithfully attend worship services and adult Sunday school classes. We received solid biblical teaching from a godly pastor, and we acted on his instruction.
The transformation was a slow process. We’d developed many destructive habits, and some of them took years to die. We decided to stay together and act lovingly toward each other, and eventually our feelings caught up with our actions. We learned that married love is not a feeling. It is a decision — and we decided to love each other.
Since our reconciliation in 1980, we’ve completely rebuilt our marriage. We had to destroy the old foundation—selfishness—and rebuild upon the rock—Jesus. We used a perfect blueprint—the Bible—and now our home stands firm.
We also created a new landscape for our marriage, planting hedges around it for protection. What are hedges? Hedges are boundaries. In Mark 12:1 Jesus said, “A man planted a vineyard and set a hedge around it.” First, the man planted a vineyard. Think of your marriage as a vineyard. You “planted” it the day you said, I do.
Next, the man in the parable placed a hedge around his vineyard. Why? Several reasons: to protect it from intrusion by animals and thieves; to keep his vines inside his vineyard; and to separate his territory from his neighbor’s.
A hedge makes the statement, “Private Property, No Trespassing.” The symbolic hedges around our marriages serve the same purposes. As married couples, our goal, as co-owners of our vineyard, is to keep the good things in —and the bad things out.
I also refuse to entertain the stray thoughts anymore. Instead, I replaced them with images of the new life that Ron and I were building. I also discovered that encouraging others with our story of restoration gave a purpose to our pain. This summer, we will celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary and I’m thrilled to tell you that our marriage is strong, loving, and healed.
Author Nancy Anderson and her husband, Ron, conduct couples’ retreats and marriage seminars to help others to predict, prevent or pardon infidelity. You can read more from Nancy at www.NancyCAnderson.
Adapted from the book, Avoiding The Greener Grass Syndrome, published by Kregel Publications. As some reviewers have said —which we agree, “This is wisdom born of tragic but genuine experience. Because Nancy Anderson nearly ruined her marriage due to infidelity, she truly knows the misery that an affair can cause. Her honesty, vulnerability, and repentance provide marital lessons guaranteed to revitalize and strengthen couples who are susceptible to the lure of an affair. She does a terrific job telling her compelling U-turn story of rebellion, repentance, and restoration. In the second part of the book, she gives helpful suggestions and funny examples that demonstrate how to create a healthy and satisfying marriage. She has a delightful way of teaching without preaching.” This really is a very good book for every Christian couple to read! We highly recommend it.
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(USA) My husband has had multiple adulterous infractions. I hear you all speak on isolated incidences. Not to minimize any one’s misfortune but I am seeking advice on how to forgive my repeat offender husband. If it isn’t chat lines, it’s porn and occasionally women (just an overview). It has been a few months without an occurrence but I don’t trust him. I don’t treasure his effort in our marriage now. I don’t want him to touch me most of the time. I do my wifely and motherly duties but I just want to forgive him. It is the hardest thing I ever faced. He is a great father and is increasing in his walk with the Lord. He has made tremendous strides that I can see but the betrayal has diminished my love and tender affection. Loving and kissing him is a chore. He seems so satisfied in the marriage, meanwhile, I am miserable. Godly counsel needed please.
(USA) Thank you for you story, it gives me hope. I have a question for you. When did you restore fellowship with God again after your affair? I also am a born again Christian who committed adultery. I miss God so much. Can I restore fellowship with Him? I feel so lost now. I can’t bear it. My husband has forgiven me, thank God for that, but I miss the fellowship with God. I feel as though my life is over now. Why bother going on? God restored my relationship with my husband and myself. But I’m am afraid of the consequences, mainly that my husband will have to bear them with me. It’s not fair to him. I wish I would have realized all of this before I had the affair. It’s too late now. I need help. Am I forever lost now in God’s eyes? I feel as though I am. Please help me.
(USA) Sarah you did not comment back. Is there no restoration for me?
(USA) Thank you for your story. I am a wife whose husband was unfaithful. I saw the 2 in the act and I keep replaying it over and over and over in my head. I had lost faith a long time ago. After this happened I was told to pray and I did. I went to a church service the next day and everything I had asked for help with was answered. My only question here is how do you get past the pain? I have truly forgiven my husband for what he has done. But I have days like today where I just can’t deal with the pain and just want to give up and quit.
My story is a little bit different. I invited a woman to our bed because I thought that’s what all men wanted- their wife to be with another woman. I allowed him to be with her as well that evening. We left to go to the bar afterward and they left me at the bar. I found out when I was able to get a ride home that they had sex in my bed after leaving me at the bar. He never met this woman before, didn’t have any emotional feelings towards this woman at all.
Something terrible happened to me that night as I was very intoxicated and I am very young. I was hurt by what I had allowed to happen earlier in the evening and my husband was making out with this woman in the bar in public… instead of finding a way home I found my way to another man’s bed. I was ok with it all at first, then I cried for him to stop and he didn’t and wouldn’t. So I had a horrible thing happen to me because my husband left me at a bar to go have sex with another woman.
There’s so many horrible, painful things that happened to me and my marriage that night. I just have a hard times dealing with it all. Can someone please tell me how to get past all of this, how to help deal with the pain from such a heart-breaking life changing event? I found GOD that night afterward and I have prayed and forgiven my husband for I believe all of the evening. I don’t remember the Bible too well, and have no idea where to start to find the right verses for forgiveness and healing. Thanks for your time in reading this… we are a young couple only 29 yrs old with 2 beautiful boys and I refuse to quit…I just need to find the strength on days like today when I just feel I can’t take it.
(USA) Hi Sarah, Your post has just reminded me the pain brought about by the sins we commit. We, therefore, should try our best to resist the temptation to conform to the world’s ways of having fun like sexual unions that undermine the value of marriage.
You are doing just the right thing; seeking God who will bring the utmost relief in your life. A relationship with God completes everything and takes away all your anxieties. I have had times when i stayed awake all night in a lot of emotional pain, worry and fear of the unknown. This what i did/do:
First, I say a prayer to God to take over my situation and give me the strength to continue. He will fill you with the energy to go on and be hopeful again. What the devil has done in this world is to engage and lure people into sinful acts. After a while it backfires and you feel rejected, guilty, used and have other destructive feelings. It’s like you are in chains of pain and can’t come out.
Here is how I view life now. The most devastating that can happen in anyone’s life is death. That has been done away with. Through the blood of Jesus & repentance, our sins will be forgiven and we can hope for everlasting life. So whatever hardships we go through are nothing compared to what God has prepared for those of faith. So it’s a matter of time. The sooner you realize these facts the more joyful your life will be during the waiting period.
The second thing you should practice is studying the Bible. It will bring you in tune with God and you will have His perspective of things. God’s word is the manual we should use in all areas of our lives. Consider the regular TV programs we watch, they become a part of us and sometimes we copy and accept what we view. So the mind is like a sponge but we have to be careful what you take in because that will determine the direction you will take. As you continue to feed yourself with the righteous material, the change in your life will come naturally.
Here are a few verses I could think of. It will be great if you find time to read the whole passage for each one of them.
John 14:27-28
Romans 3:22-24
Romans 5:1-5
Romans 6:12-23
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hey Sarah, while reading your post I remembered reading a christian book by Philip Yancey called “What’s so amazing about grace?” it has brought so much restoration to my life, understanding God’s grace has floored me, not only the grace he has for my own sins but for the sins committed against me too. It has given me the grace to forgive and most of all to accept the forgiveness that Jesus Christ paid for on the cross for me. I commited adultry with 2 men, one of which was my husband’s best friends.
(US) Reading the articles has really tugged at my heart… I’m the one that cheated. It’s a very long and painful story of what brought me to that time in my life… Looking back now, no matter what my husband has done or not done throughout the years was never any reason to do what I did.
About 1 year ago, I was having a female out patient surgery done and my husband didn’t stay with me through it. He dropped me off and drove 3 hours to a commercial audition. I was left at the hospital alone, crying, and called a co-worker to come pick me up after the surgery because I found out they wouldn’t release me to a cab driver. After that day, my husband was distant and my feelings about him started to change. I no longer felt like the most important thing in the world to him. I was devastated because he has always been my best friend.
A few months later he became very withdrawn and was shutting me out. He began drinking everynight, saying some hurtful things, ignoring me when I would hug him, tell him I loved him and asking him what was wrong. At night when we would sleep he would lay on his right side as far away from me as he could. If I tried to snuggle and drape my leg over him he would push it off and say he was too hot.
After feeling very alone and sad, I began to look for a friend on-line. I met someone who said all the right things …hook line and sinker. I met with him a couple of times… It was wrong. My husband found out and since then has had an extremely hard time dealing with this. We’ve been trying desperately to work this out. We have good days then those days are followed by several bad days. Since all of this we have begun going to church again and I have asked for forgiveness from God and my husband. I’m truly sorry for what I’ve done.
I haven’t had any contact with this person and I never will. When I look back im not sure what in the world I was thinking. This is something I was always dead against and swore I would never be the one doing that to another. But somehow I did. Emotionally I had gotten caught up with someone else who was listening to me and was telling me all the things I’d been neglected to hear for a very long time. I don’t understand myself at all. When I think of this other person it seems like a far off distant memory almost like it never happened at all. I wish it never did.
Since all of this has happened my husband and I have found we truly, deeply love each other. But he will never look at me the same. Some days I’m scum and he hates me and other days he loves me but it’s not the same. He’s soooo depressed and sometimes almost suicidal. But he has found God so therefore he won’t kill himself. But we have struggles every single day. Our lives are a mental and emotional roller coaster. What do we do? I’m so heartbroken that I’ve put him in the place he’s in… I will truly be sorry everyday for the rest of my life. I will always love him my husband. I just don’t know if he can ever forgive me.