“How can I get unhooked from an emotional affair?” There is not easy way, and it will involve a process of time. In that process, several practices are important. First of all, separation is important. The emphasis here is on abstinence and sobriety. You don’t indulge yourself with the other person’s presence. You must stop exposing yourself to this shared life experience. The contact is what keeps these feelings alive; you need to stop feeding the compulsion.
I hasten to add that you just can’t bury these feelings. Therefore, the next step is identification. What is the “something” this person touches inside you? What unmet need does he tap into? Sometimes the infidel can process this with a spouse or a same-sex friend, but other times that will need to be done with an experienced counselor who is committed to restoring the marriage.
My experience is that the longings that underlie infidelity go back to childhood; the infidel brings them with him or her into the marriage. They often were touched upon or satisfied in the initial phases of the relationship with the spouse, but over time have been buried by the crush of life’s responsibilities.
The next process is exposure. Don’t allow these longings and feelings to remain a secret. The longer an infidel allows these feelings to continue as a secret, the more he or she will idealize the person the feelings are attached to. Idealization means this partner becomes perfect, and as a result, no one else (e.g., the spouse) can measure up. The partner is beginning to be seen as “all good,” and therefore the infidel will have to see the marriage as “all bad.”
As mentioned earlier, if you encapsulate these feelings at this point, they will only lie dormant to be triggered again later. I usually encourage the infidel to share his feelings with his spouse, after seeking counsel. After all, the spouse has been involved in this story already (in that all affairs are a triangle, even if the spouse is unaware) and might as well know the secrets that are occurring in his/her marriage.
The next concept here is to journal. Write down the feelings you are experiencing in this rather involved and tortuous journey. Feelings don’t have to control an individual, but their influence is strongest when they are held in secret. The longings that have led to this emotional affair are a part of the childhood magic; journaling them gets them out into the open, into the adult realm.
The next step is displacement. Use this process in tandem with some of the other processes. Here you do something else in lieu of focusing on the partner. You can exercise, get involved in spiritual development, or take on different projects or hobbies. This is the “doing” part of healing.
The final idea is to grieve. Though this is extremely difficult for the spouse to observe, it is important and necessary. Many times this needs to start with a “good-bye” letter (written to the adulterous partner). Most infidels find this very painful to do. It seems so unnecessary initially, because (seemingly “nothing evil has happened,” since they didn’t have sex. Only after thorough processing, and the passage of time, will the infidel be able to look back and see how befuddled his/her thinking really was.
This is also a good time for the infidel to review his/her “loss history,” and this leads naturally to grieving. What other significant caregivers, friends, loved ones, or pets has the infidel lost that parallel the lost feelings in giving up the affair? The infidel will probably want to do this in private and only later will be able to share the depth of the experience with his spouse.
(A caution here: The depression is not about what you feel for the partner, but just what you are feeling, period. Keep the partner out of the equation-it will make it easier for your souse to listen to your feelings, and easier for you to connect with the feelings in your heart that need processing.)
The Healing Process
Neither your partner nor your spouse can release you from the emotional hook you’ve experienced. Many spouses caught in this kind of emotional affair have found portions of The Serenity Prayer helpful:
“Lord, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Be careful of changing the components around. Don’t try to change the things you cannot change-that will only lead to frustration and anger. On the other hand, don’t accept the things you should be changing—that will only lead to feelings of victimization, a sense of “What’s the use? I can’t lick this, so I might as well give in.”
Time, the healing process, always requires a backward look. Encouragement is not usually the result if you look to where you need to be, feel like you ought to be, or even want to be. You will see the feelings diminish as you look backward to where you were three, six or nine months ago.
Rebuild and concentrate on the lost relationships that contributed to the vacuum that the emotional affair filled. That could require quite a search on your part, some intense conversations (even confrontations) with people in your life, a lot of focused reading, and even some trips/visits to significant places in your childhood.
Enjoy the process and reschedule the experiences that made your marriage good in the first place. Here I encourage couples to each identify the “eight greats” of their marital experience. Independently, each spouse should identify the eight great experiences, or highlights, of their marital history, then decide together on five that they’d like to repeat. You see, shared history is a critical component of intimacy. Rare is the spouse who won’t join “the almost infidel” in this endeavor and experience recovery from close call. Why, most of us had close calls ourselves.
Some Cautions for the Infidel
Temptations do not an identity make. Some people struggle with the same temptation for years. For instance, just because someone wants to smoke again because he’s tempted doesn’t mean he’s a smoker. Don’t let the temptation to return to the partner shame you into feeling “What’s the use? I might as well give in. I’ll never be free of these feelings.”
Second, remember that in periods of high stress, difficult emotions, transition, and marital dullness, you will feel an increased desire to return to the partner or to renew thoughts of him/her. At times, infidels report that they have yearnings to think about this person just to see if the feelings are still “available” as in the days gone by. This “testing” is common to obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and the intent is to prove to oneself how far one has come in the recovery process.
Be careful—this process can begin to mimic the destabilization process of a Class 2 affair described in chapter 6. As mentioned there, such practices only intensify, rather than lessen, the attraction—and the hook goes much deeper.
Some Encouragement for the Spouse
First, remember that these longings were present in your spouse before you entered his or her life. You didn’t create them, and you probably can’t fully satisfy them.
Second, you did tap into those longings early in your relationship in some fashion. The longings were present in the initial feelings of what love is all about. For whatever reason, the infidel settled for the initial feelings of what love is all about and superficial satisfaction of those longings, versus deepening and maturing them. This is not your fault. Many times it is the result of a combination of circumstances: work, school, family, and so on. But the exciting thing is now you both can go deeper in your love for each other.
Last, both of you will eventually forget the partner. The memories of this experience will fade in the same way that a widow or widower forgets abut the loss of a god first marriage if the second marriage is a pleasant experience.
It is possible to rebuild after an emotional affair has been discovered. Work through these steps and you will make progress. This is the kind of stuff emotional intimacy is built on, and that is the key to any good marriage.
The above article comes from the excellent book, TORN ASUNDER - Recovery from Extramarital Affairs -By Dave Carder. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.” We highly recommend getting this book!
There are a couple of parts that especially stand out and set it apart from other resources. One in particular which is EXCELLENT is titled: “When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want You Back: The 90-Day Experiment.” We wish we could have put this portion of the book on our web site but it’s too long to be able to honor the author’s copyright privilege and it really can’t be shortened to do it justice. You really need to get the book to have this as well as the other helpful information.
(If you’re dealing with this problem and you can’t get this book in your country then please contact the publisher at the above web site and see if there’s something that can be arranged.)
They also have a section in it which includes a questionnaire that addresses: “Are You at Risk for an Affair?” It’s an excellent tool to identify personal growth areas for you and your spouse to discuss and develop and is designed to help evaluate personal history and lifestyle which parallels with those who have been involved in adultery. We were surprised by some of the questions and what can set people up to have an affair. It might help you too. This book is filled with many other great insights also!
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The above article hits home because I am in the middle of this very situation. I returned to college to become an RN. I am 47 years old and have been married for 25 years. I have been, what I thought, a strong Christian for 15 years and felt going to a junior college would not rock my foundation. My husband and I have had our fair share of problems, but in the last 5 years, our relationship seemed to be finally heading in the right direction.
A requirement for the nursing program was English 101. The first day my instructor walked in I fell for his good looks, but thought nothing of it, as I had seen other good looking men on campus. One day, he gives me a heart-shaped rock, in front of the class, and made a big deal of how perfectly shaped into a heart it was. The whole class applauded. I felt very, very flattered but knew I was headed for a rocky road. He knew I was married but found ways for us to “work” together. He wanted me to work on a newsletter and then later, I got involved typing one of his stories that he submitted for possible publication.
However, God, being loving and merciful, found ways in which to end these projects. The newsletter never got funding from the college and I found his story so disturbing I could not continue. I guess I was allowed to see into his psyche, and I did not like what I saw. The quarter ended in December 2006 and it took me 5 months to go through all those steps and get him out of my heart.
Then, ironically, just when I thought I had it all together, I was walking out of Chemistry class this past summer and I ran into him again. Just what little time we spent talking started my heart’s yearning all over again. I was amazed at how accurate this article was in stating that we can “renew” these feelings again, that the temptation can and does continue.
The stressors were numerous. The courses were far more challenging than I thought and together with knowing I was starting all over late in life, I can look back and see how my foundation was shaken. Now, let me be quick to say Jesus was not what was shaken, He remains the same yesterday, today and forever. But I was shaken. I often questioned why God allowed this to happen. I could have had any other instructor instead. But Father knows best and fully believing I am in the palms of His hands, I have learned more than what college had to teach me. I learned about myself and what has been buried, deep down, that the Lord felt was time to bring up to the surface to be dealt with. You see, this is not the first time I had been in an “affair of the heart”. Jesus said as a person thinks, so they are. If we as much as look upon another with lust ,we are guilty of adultry. So, my sin was ever before the Lord, but never completely up-rooted, until the fall of 2006.
Jesus loves us so much that He does not want us to stay stagnate in our sins. He set us captives free, but I kept walking back into my cell. What the Son sets free, is free indeed! Praise God.
(USA) I am currently going through this situation. I am finding it very difficult to separate from the other person. It is so overwhelmingly difficult. I have tried to talk to my husband, but he doesn’t understand. When I initially recognized my feeling for another man I told my husband my concerns and he didn’t even react.
I feel so lost and confused on one hand the "other" man is completely feeding this innate desire where my husband just can’t. It is difficult to choose to be around my husband when all he does is put me down and criticize me. Even though several people have told him that he needs to change, he just can’t. I am left in a situation where I know what is right and just, but I feel so remorseful in thinking about a future with someone whom I feel doesn’t love me. The temptation is so great to be with another man who does.
I understand that this fantasy may be a lie, but how can I choose to be with a man who thinks I am a horrible, unattractive wife, and who is so critical of me? How can I turn away from a man who thinks I am beautiful and lifts me up?
My husband and I have been in counseling for two months prior to this and I got to the point where I just felt that I had to change. Our therapist looked me in the eye and said "you have been trying that for nine years." Please pray for me.
(USA) Hi Jen, Thanks for looking for help and writing to this website. It’s a really great place for people who feel like they are losing their way somewhat.
I would say that the other man lifting you up and making you feel beautiful is Satan’s way of trying to draw you in to the "love" of the world/the way of the world and away from the love, the true love, of God. Satan is an expert at that. He seems to know the fleshly desires of us humans VERY well and he tempts us so subtly, so adeptly.
Here’s my advice – well, you already feel convicted and know that going to another man is wrong. You should read ALL the articles on this website concerning that and do so prayerfully. The one thing I’ve learned in my Christian walk is that not every word written or spoken by a Christian is for everyone. Glean the pieces that you know apply to you (from the articles here) and use that as a jumping off point in your relationship with God. Then read the scriptures that seem to apply to your situation.
Where this is ultimately leading is to have God love you in place of the lack of love from your husband. It’s a shame he doesn’t want to try to change or doesn’t know how, but where humans fail and falter, God steps in.
Learn to believe that God loves you and sees worth. Once you become strong in that, and that’s what leads to spiritual maturity and strength, then you can start to "listen" to the cues from the Holy Spirit as to what God wants of you as a wife and where He will lead your marriage.
There are times when we have to "go it alone" spiritually and learn to live without certain physical things. Sometimes that’s material things, sometimes it’s the love of other people, including spouses. These are the trials God allows to make us stronger in Him. We can’t graduate to the next spiritual level without mastering the one before.
I think right now you need to find the way to let God fill up that hole/void in your life that your husband currently isn’t filling. Here is a REALLY good article pertaining to that :
http://www.marriagemissions.com/even-a-great-husband-makes-a-poor-god/
Right now it sounds as though you are looking to you husband first to fill a need he can’t and since he can’t you’ll start to look to another man to fill it, despite the fact you already know it’s a sin. Here’s what you need to do – let God fill that hole. Humans are always going to let us down, spouse or not. It’s how strong, at those times, we are in Christ that gets us through easily or with difficulty. I think the article above will REALLY speak to you right now. With love, LT
(NIGERIA) Please, I have a feeling that my husband is having an affair. A friend of mine told me he had a vision that I have to be very prayerful about so that no other woman would take my place in my husbands heart. I have started praying about it but I want you to also pray with me. I cherish my marriage so much and I don’t want to lose it. I’ve been married for four years now. Thanks in anticipation of your response to my mail.
(USA) Hi, I have been married for 22 years this July/08 and I married my 2nd lover. We have a 12 and 8 year old beautiful girls with loving hearts. Four years ago, a person came into my life in the gym. I was/am completely smitten by him. We’ve had this long affair/LOVE for a long time and I strongly agree our love for each other is REAL. Things we did such as: spend time together every minute possible, text, call, look at the moon a certain time, buy each other gifts, travel, etc…. I seriously feel it was all real.
I have finally called it quits. I finally asked him 6 months ago if we would ever be WE. He said, "No for Now". Well…NO IS NO. I just HAD to stop. it’s been 4 years in March and I’m hurting so deeply. He is 13 years younger than me and he and his wife have not had children. That was his #1 and only excuse. I told him I was done in that department 3 years ago. WHY did he continue breaking my heart if he knew he wanted children and it wouldn’t happen with me?
His wife knows…my husband knows….I’ve been out of my home for 1 year and I’m still very very much in love with my lover. I love everything about him…even his faults. He texted me on new years 07, valentines 08, our anniversary in march 08, and my B-day in April 08. I did the unthinkable and e-mailed his wife again…asking her to have him STOP contacting me. She didn’t believe me and wanted proof…..again. So…I sent her proof. I know…I’M A BAD PERSON FOR DOING THAT. I just need for him to STOP because I LOVE and MISS HIM SO and feel I may give in. Even after contacting his wife 4 times….he would STILL continue to have this affair w/me because he says he’s in love with me.
I need help here…..I’m depressed all the time. When I don’t have my girls…I sit on the couch……I’ve joined a running club….met a couple of friends…but I think about my ex-lover ALL THE TIME! I need someone help me. I will purchase some books from Dave Carder and hope this helps me. Desperately seeking some help for my emotional feelings. Demi
(USA) Hi Demi, I know what it’s like to try and get unhooked from an affair – I had to do it years ago and it IS hard. I want to tell you that I COMPLETELY agree 100% with your decision to contact the wife and tell her what has been going on. That doesn’t make you bad, that makes you mature. That’s the appropriate and mature thing to do. He won’t stop contacting you on his own (which makes me question exactly how much respect he actually has for you), so it’s a natural course of action to enlist his wife’s help in that matter. I would think she’d be interested, anyway, out of concern for her marriage.
At this point, he’s disrespecting you by continuing to contact you despite your asking him not to, and he’s disrespecting his wife by continuing to contact someone with whom he had an affair. It sounds as though he does not have a lot of respect for the women in his life, but ultimately, knowing what I know about psychology, that stems from a lack of respect for himself, deep down, he’s just not aware of it.
At any rate – I wanted to suggest you to visit the following page on this website : http://www.marriagemissions.com/total-separation-the-right-way-to-end-an-affair/
There are a LOT of comments there of people going through exactly what you are as well as those of us (myself included) who can comment because we’ve been there and know what it’s like to feel what you feel and to try and stop.
I left quite a few comments there for other women so I’d like you to read those (and their stories as well, for context) but what it all boils down to is whether the affair was physical or not, it’s the emotions that are all the same. The emotional obsession (thinking about a person ALL the time) is the dangerous part of an affair and what is hard to get unhooked from. But please see the link above and read through the comments when you can. There is some REALLY useful information there.
Satan is really tempting you with this other man, especially considering that man keeps contacting you despite your requests to the contrary. This is why I believe that man not only does not respect you, but your love is more of an obsession, not real love. I was surprised that someone who is (I’m guessing) in their 40’s, would believe that what you had with this other man is true love. True, Godly love does not rejoice in iniquity (I Corinthians 13) and two married people carrying on with someone who is not their spouse is iniquity.
Therefore, by the very nature of what the scriptures say, your love with this man is not real or true. You’re using the worlds definition of love, not God’s. But we are all human and a product of the world so it’s not unexpected for you to think that, I just felt compelled to point that out to you.
What you feel and felt is obsession, not love. It’s easy to look past someone’s flaws when you don’t live with them. It’s a desire of the flesh, but I applaud your efforts at doing the right thing and bringing it to a halt. I also applaud your coming to this site and taking the courageous steps of sharing with us as well as searching for answers. This web site has been of unspeakable help to me in recent trials I had and know it’s of help to a lot of others and, hopefully, will be to you as well.
Continue in your faith and rely on God’s strength to carry you through. Your relationship with God is what needs to be stronger – so strong to the point you won’t need any other people to fill voids in your life. That’s something I’ve come to in my own spiritual walk but it was only recently, it’s not natural (even for Christians) and it requires a lot of work. That is where, once you get to that point, you will be able to rise above the storms of this fleshly life, and be able to find your way past this affair.
I’ll keep you in my prayers, LT
(USA) LT, Thank you so much for the vote of confidence. I will be looking at the website you mentioned. I just wanted to tell you thank you. I still however, do believe my love for him is real. I know….books I’ve read…people I’ve talked to …etc. …all have said it’s a fantasy and it’s not real …..BUT WHY DOES IT HURT SO SO VERY MUCH? I have thrown all the stuff he gave me away….but I can’t get rid of the e-mails ….for they have poems he has written me, e-mails, PICTURES. lots of them. Why LT …why does it hurt? I haven’t physically seen him since Nov. 2, 2007. I miss him so very much. I hated to tell him to leave me alone. I hated to. I have deleted his yahoo msnger ID from my list …but I go to my mail and see if he’s on line. WHY do I do this? I guess I wonder if he still loves me…or if he really ever did …or if I was an addition to him. I hate to think he just used me because I love him so. Demi
(USA) Hi Demi, You’re welcome for the note. I wrote what I felt God wanted me to write.
My gut instinct on why it hurts and why you are still thinking of this man is because you don’t have anything as strong to replace the void that the affair (ending it) has left. There is now a vacuum.
It sounds as though you are filling it up somewhat with your groups that you’re joining, and with the time you have with your girls. But only Christ can REALLY fill up that void all the way to where you won’t feel the hurt left by the vacuum of losing a lover (be it a husband or an illicit lover).
I lost my Dad a couple of years ago and my parents were married more than 35 years at the time of his passing. She hurt a LOT (understandably) and also felt a void. She said something that I found poignant and that spoke volumes to me – as hard as it was to lose my Dad, she said she lost her husband and she was sad, but through all that she never lost her inner "joy." That joy, being Christ. Joy is one of the fruits of the spirit (listed in Galatians 5). I found that profound when she spoke that.
My point in saying all that is to point you to Christ. That’s where you’re going to find true, everlasting healing and love again. Read your Bible daily. That, too, will help fill up the hours.
You really should read that page I linked you to, also, when you get the time. There are a lot of women there recently coming out of affairs (mine was a LONG time ago) and many of them talk about coming out of the "fog."
For closure’s sake I will say that the other man you were seeing was probably not using you (at least not consciously). I think you two were weak and gave in to each other. You both gave each other something that you both felt you needed (it’s what both of your flesh needed) at the time. But you’ve recognized it as sin and now you know better and now you are starting the journey toward healing. I understand the need for closure on that. I hope that’s somewhat of an explanation to put your questions to rest about the other man.
Dear Demi, I’m sorry for your hurt but there is so much hope out there and I know, with Christ, you will find the way past all of this. God bless, keep us posted, LT
(USA) I stumbled onto your site in my desperate search for help. I have been married for 15 years to a wonderful man whom I love. That is why I have been so confused and baffled about what has happened to me over the last few months. I started a new job Nov. 5, 2007. I work as a Certified Spanish Interpreter at a courthouse, so I constantly circulate around the building between 19 courtrooms (I am assigned to a different floor each day), so I see a lot of lawyers, judges, probation officers, defendants, etc. I have been doing this type of work for 6 years. I have never had a problem before.
I consider myself a godly woman. I love Jesus deeply and have a passionate relationship with Him. I have daily devotions, attend a deeply spiritual, revival church 3-4 times a week. Anyway, shortly after starting this new job, I interpreted for a trial. On a break, the deputy district attorney who was prosecuting the case introduced himself and asked me my name and where I was from, etc. It was not anything unusual. I was new, and lots of people -men and women -did the same.
I told my two co-workers how impressed I was with the friendliness of the people here and mentioned about the conversation with this particular DA. They were very surprised and said that he was a very quiet person and never really conversed with anyone. I observed afterward, that he was visibly pleased to see me whenever I was assigned to the courtroom where he works. Although we never had another actual conversation, only comments in passing, he began to watch me whenever I was in his courtroom, devouring me with his liquid brown eyes. The thought would go through my head– "Wow, he looks at me just the way my husband used to!"
Let me insert here a brief explanation regarding my husband. He suffered a back injury in 1999, has had two surgeries, lives with chronic pain, takes high-powered prescription drugs, deals with severe depression and self-esteem issues due to the pain and his inability to support the family. Through all of that, his interest in sex and his ability to perform have dwindled to almost nothing, and I have to initiate love making most of the time. He is a very kind, loving person, albeit rather lethargic (meds.?). I love spending time with him.
Well, I needless to say, I began to feel a very strong attraction toward this DA and would think about him day and night. At the same time, I was fighting these feelings and thoughts tooth and toenail, and prayed about it a lot and even fasted and went forward for prayer at church. I began suffering from bouts of severe depression and thoughts of suicide, mostly out of self-hatred for even having such thoughts. I have always wanted to please God above everything else and this was shattering my own self image (which has always been very low, with the exception that I knew I was a woman after God’s heart).
I tried to avoid this man all I could, except that at times the desire for just one look, just a little attention, just one gesture to let me know that someone still finds me desirable would overcome me, and when I would have to go into his courtroom, I would find myself trying to catch his eye, waiting for the moment he would look up and acknowledge my presence with a wink or smile. That was all and as time went by this spring, I was able to think less and less about him and would thank God sometimes when I would realize that 2-3 days had gone by without him coming to mind.
Then 4 weeks ago, unexpectedly I was assigned to a trial in another courtroom on a different floor and, lo and behold, he was the DA assigned to that trial. His regular judge was out, so he had been temporarily re-assigned –unbeknown to me, of course. I thought I could handle it, because I had "gotten over" him. But he sat by me and talked at every pause and break, and at one point put his arm around me and let his hand run along my waist in back. By the end he asked if he could help me carry the earphone equipment back to my office. I was so befuddled- I should have declined- but I let him.
As he left, he gave me a light hug about the shoulders, telling me what a pleasure it had been working with me that day. The ground melted away beneath my feet. Not to sound vulgar, but the hormonal rush that I experienced was so strong, I felt almost physically sick for nearly 24 hours afterward. I could not sleep that night. I asked my husband to make love around midnight, hoping to calm the raging storm inside of me.
I knew this affair had reached a crisis point, that I could never allow myself to be in close proximity with this man again. God is helping me. In spite of all my condemnation and my guilt and depression and relapses in to thinking things I shouldn’t, I cannot understand why He continually holds me in His arms and gives me promises from His Word.
A week ago I promised God that I would renounce completely any and all contact with this man. Up until now I have not been able to bring myself to be "rude" to him. But yesterday I was assigned to his courtroom, I had to go in there briefly twice and although I could tell that he was trying to catch my eye, I managed with God’s help (I prayed before I went in) to avoid any contact whatsoever. Sorry this is so long. If you have any suggestions, let me know.
(USA) Dear Rebecca, I just want you to know that you are being prayed for and cared about VERY much! The battle you are waging at this time is such a fierce one, but one that needs to be fought with every fiber of your being — with God as your strength. It is as much a spiritual warfare battle as it is any other, and probably more-so. The enemy of our faith comes to rob and steal and deceive. I pray you are able to withstand the attack.
Right now you are fighting an addiction of a fantasy that needs to lose its stronghold over your thought life and emotions. Just like with any addiction, the more you feed it, the stronger it grows. And as you try to pull away, the battle becomes all the more fierce to escape its stranglehold.
You ask for suggestions. What comes to mind as I pray for you is to encourage you to keep the faith, hang on, and take courage. You are heading in the right direction. By pulling away, fleeing, staying on the alert, resisting and praying, you are doing what it takes to escape. Unfortunately, this is a time when you will have to gut it out. No matter how difficult things get, either on the home front or with the pull you will feel at work, keep denying this stronghold to have any power in your life (even if you have to be “rude”).
I know. I was in a similar situation many years ago. Even though I loved my husband, and I loved my Lord, I found myself caught up in the emotional battle you are now waging. And I could tell, that this man was also tempted, even though we never spoke a word about it. There was definitely a chemistry going on between us. But I knew I had to deny it any power in my life. I had to fight the horrible battle within.
But I was determined not to allow myself to go any farther down a wrong path than I had. I was determined to pull away and not feed my wrong thoughts and emotions any longer. I kept throwing the thoughts and emotions out, just like they were garbage, as immediately as they presented themselves to me (which was hundreds and hundreds of times). They were horribly persistent. But I determined that I would be all the more persistent.
Eventually, just like with an addiction, if you don’t feed it, it will lose strength (even though at times, it doesn’t seem possible that it will). I now look back and realize how close I came to throwing everything away that I believed in. No matter what my circumstances were at home, wrong is wrong. I’m so glad I fought and gutted through the situation and made decision to do what was right. I pray you are able to continue to do the same as you are doing right now.
I’m proud of you for fighting this as you are. Hang in there. We support you in prayer and believe you can do this with God’s strength and help. No matter how weary you get in waging this battle, never lose sight of the victory you can have as you lean upon the Lord.
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:28-31). “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).
(USA) Cindy, thanks so, so much for your comforting and encouraging words. What a confirmation–on various occasions, God has given me the same scripture from Isaiah that you quoted! I especially like the part where it say that He will increase the power of the weak. In Spanish it says that He will give strength to those that have none at all!
I have a question. I know that ultimately I have to do what God tells me on this issue, but I was wondering what your recommendation would be. I am a choir member at my church. I don’t know how other churches function, but our choir director tells us that if we have hidden sin in our lives we should not be on the platform until it is repented of and resolved. She says that if even one choir member is harboring sin, that God will not be able to bless our service to Him. I am not sure if I should excuse myself from choir right now–it is a source of diversion and distraction from this mental mess I’m, and I sing to worship God for His unbelievable love for me and His faithfulness, even when I do not deserve it. Any thoughts would be welcome.
For those like me who are trying to overcome an affair, whether emotional or sexual, I want to post something that our pastor said on Sunday, "There is nothing that we must give up in order to follow God that we will not have to give up anyway to go to Hell."
(USA) Hi Rebecca, You’re right in saying that you have to do what God tells you on this issue. And I trust that God will give you the wisdom you need as you look for help to discern truth. As I look to your question, from what I see, you aren’t hiding your sin. You’ve confessed it to God, you’ve repented, and are working with Him to turn completely from it in every way, shape, and form. It’s not a “harboring” situation when you’ve brought it out into the light and are dealing with it as God has shown you (and is showing you day by day). You’ve even confessed it on the web site, asking for help and prayer from God’s children.
Unless God tells you that you need to do more, I would think that you are putting all your energies in the right direction. It’s true that your journey is not over (you still have some rough days ahead and decisions to make as you put forth the effort to steer clear of the temptations that will be put before you), but you are headed in the right direction. As long as you stay on this path, you will do fine. All I can say is that I would count it a privilege to sit next to you in the choir. You have a lot to sing about concerning God’s grace and love and work in your life.
(USA) Cindy and anyone else who may read this, I really need prayer right now. I have been really strong in my resolve and have managed to avoid seeing this DA at all except for one time this week that I saw him from my office window as he was crossing the street. I did not let my eyes linger. I went and sat down quickly at my desk where I could not see out the window. But last night I got such an overwhelming longing to see him–just to look at him. Please pray that I will get through this. I have had such a measure of peace since our communication last week. I don’t want to go back into that guilt. Pray that my desire for peace with God and with my own conscience will be win the war against the desire to see him. Thanks
(USA) Rebecca, I so understand the temptation…it consumes you. I am trying to end an affair and it is so difficult. You had a victory when you quickly returned to your desk. You have the strength within you to resist this man. For every time that you don’t give in, you are stronger.
If you ever do "give in", remember forgiveness is yours from Jesus for the asking. I do pray that peace will return to you. Please keep us posted. Marie
(USA) Rebecca, I will pray for you this very night. I have been on this site for the last week under much conviction and sorrow for my own emotional affair for the last 7 months. I say it is emotional but it did turn somewhat physical a month ago. We have not made love yet but will unless I end this now. Please pray that I will have the strength and courage from God to get out. To back this whole thing up, I knew this man 25 years ago before I ever had kids and we did have a full blown affair at that time. Jobs took us to different cities so the affair died. At that time I was not upset and seemed to forget him quickly. About a year ago we ran into each other and the chemistry was right back in my face.
Now for 25 years I have not cheated on my husband in any way. I do have an incredible husband. Why these certain people in life seem to be addictive I’ll never know. I too am a Christian and have not even wanted to go to church since all this started. I’ve had to go just to keep up appearances. The good thing is the man does not live in my town but does come to town on business once a month. Between trips we hardly talk so the no contact is already going on between last trip and next trip which will make it easier to say NO when he rolls in again. I am praying and reading my Bible double duty and have asked God’s forgiveness so I can withstand the fiery darts I know I’ll encounter in a few weeks. I have felt so much sadness and emptiness. I believe the Lord does that to make his children miserable and draw them back to himself.
(USA) Leah, I found your post this morning and prayed for you; thanks for your prayers–I need all I can get! I just feel constrained to tell you–Don’t stop going to church, no matter how uncomfortable you feel there. There have been church services over the last 8 months where I could hardly stand the light. I felt like I was in the hot, blinding beam of a spot light, but it was that light that has helped me make the progress I have made. See Psalms 36:9. If we hide back in the shadows, we might not feel the conviction God is trying to give us.
Keep doing double duty on the Bible reading. Somehow, when God convicts me from His Word, I can handle that better than condemnation from others, or even my own self-inflicted condemnation. The struggle is still there–I’m grappling with the fact that I will never "get over" this man. I saw him from a block away this morning, and my first thought was, "Wow, he is so gorgeous, even the way he walks!" Sounds immature, I know, but the chemistry is so strong that I believe if I were to go 5 yrs w/o any contact, and then run into him again, the same magnetic pull would be there, so I have to make a long term commitment to keep disentangled.
I’ve never had an experience quite like this before, so I’m trying to learn what I need to avoid pitfalls in the future. It’s scary and I feel unsure of myself, but God is with me and He is my Saviour. I have found that I am nothing more than a sinner in need of a Saviour. Isaiah 57:15 and Isaiah 66:2 explains to me why God has not abandoned me through this terrible time. God bless you all.
(USA) I don’t know if anyone even visits this thread anymore. No posts since Aug. 1. I wish it had not died, because it helped so much and was more fitting to my situation that other threads on this site. Although I continue to visit and have posted on the "Total Separation" thread, my case is very different than most of those who post there. I’m not saying that I’m any better, it’s just that my affair never went as far as theirs. Thanks to a strong belief system, a vibrant relationship with God, and a conscience that has always worked overtime since childhood, my affair never got to the point of even being verbalized.
So how do you break up an affair that never started? How do you stop doing something you never did? Was it all in my imagination to begin with? I struggle a lot with these questions and more. I have not had any contact with him since June 10th. You would think that 3 months would be enough to undo an affair that never existed. But I still struggle with times and days when I cannot seem to get him off my mind. It’s not like I try to think about him. Sometime I go 2-3 days with scarcely a thought, but then he comes back, if not in the center of my consciousness, floating at the peripheral edge of my mind.
Although we work in the same building, with pro-activity on my part, I can often avoid seeing him altogether for up to 2 weeks at a time, and when I do have to go into his courtroom, it is for a brief period of 5-10 minutes and there is no opportunity for conversation or even a greeting for the most part. Still I struggle with the concept of being rude — I have refused to even look at him since June 10th. I feel like I am making a big deal out of something that perhaps never was anything, that by refusing to acknowledge his presence is causing him to notice more–like going up and saying "It’s over. I’m no longer interested," when nothing was ever started and no interest was ever expressed.
Yesterday a.m., I had to go to his courtroom, and the situation was such that the ignoring of him was evolving into an awkward and tense moment, so I simply looked at him for a brief second and smiled. His dejected expression faded, he feigned indifference for a fleeting second, then winked at me. My P.M. trip to his courtroom resulted in another wink with more eagerness, more energy on his part, and I felt the chemistry.
Don’t worry, my mind is made up. I have made a firm decision to love God and my husband. I know what kind of person I want to be and where I want my life to end up. But I don’t know what I should feel guilty for, if I need to ask God to forgive me, if I did anything wrong. I don’t know if simple politeness is wrong in my circumstances. It’s all so confusing. I have been asking God to promote him to District Court (another building), or to show me if I should consider quitting my job, but I have not been led in that direction. Oh well, I just had to blow off, even if nobody reads this thread anymore.
(USA) Hey Rebecca, I hope you will come back here again. I need your support also. I have been sooooooo busy that I hardly have time to get on here. Well, since I last posted on July 31, I have met my AP 2 more times once in Aug. and once in Sept. The affair is physical but no love making.
I will say the last time we met was not good. I looked at him and realized that he was a selfish and impatient person. It was so surreal. The Lord just showed me his true colors which will make it easier now to close that door. Just ask Him to do the same for you. Whatever it takes to turn you off. The Lord is faithful to help us out of harms way. I am so "at peace" now. I know I’ll still have temptations toward this man but I know the Lord will help me. Please let me hear from you Rebecca.
(USA) Leah, so good to have an update from you! God is good! He is not willing to loose us and it sounds like He is answering prayer for you.
My heart is heavy this morning. Earlier this week, I told my husband about this man and how he hugged me back in June. I did not do it in form of a confession, but rather as part of a conversation that he started about men who have affairs and temptations they face. Of course, I emphasized how I have pretty much been able to avoid this man since June, and I asked for advice and for insight into how a man thinks.
He was very lucid and understanding that night (this doesn’t happen often–usually all efforts at actual communication are not only futile but damaging) and even told me how he believes I should handle the situation. I felt so much better, so liberated, after talking to him about it. I had wanted to for a long time, but at the same time was afraid to, because he is disabled with a back injury, takes high-powered prescription drugs, and suffers from depression.
In my opinion, although confession is good, cruelty is wrong and the cruelty of putting him through this suffering and perhaps even sending him into suicidal mode, outweighed any good that could be done by telling him. But I felt good about the way it turned out–I felt I was granted tact– and just as I figured, he did not feel that I had done anything wrong since I had not initiated any contact with Mr. DA, and of course had not made love to him.
I hoped that with telling him that I had gone through this temptation, that he would start giving me a little more attention. I have been running on an "attention deficit" for about 3 years now. My body literally aches to be touched, to be held, in the way he used to do for the first 12 years of our marriage. He has progressively become more and more physically and emotionally silent toward me, and I have so much pain and hurt and rejection that I am dealing with.
So last night, I got brave and asked him if he is bored with me and how I can be a better wife. As usual, the conversation, deteriorated into him twisting my words, believing I said something I didn’t, telling me that what I was saying made no sense, that I had chosen the wrong week to be saying these things, I would be better without him, that my biggest mistake was marrying him, and finally that the medication has changed him–that he even misses his old self! I could see that what we talked about the other day was eating at his mind and now I wish I had never talked to him about anything. I guess I’m just selfish, thinking of my own needs and hurts when he is suffering so much. Just pray for us. I hope we can recover from my stupidity.
(INDIA) Hi, I am a married man for the past 6 years. We had a love marriage as we were college sweethearts. About 3 years back me and my wife had a bad year where we were separated due to our ego problems. Later the same year we patched up thru common friends.
The next year I found my wife was having an emotional affair with a Muslim guy who was her old friend. They sms, emails and talked over the phone, and since then my life has been a turmoil. When finally I confronted my wife with this she broke down and told me the truth that she was having an emotional affair, and she is trying to end it. Now it’s been a year since she is working abroad in NY, and we chat and call each other a lot. But the problem is now she seems to be telling me that she feels the urge to be with him is more, although they seldom talk or chat. She always defends his actions by saying it was also her fault, and I am sometimes able to talk to her as a friend but sometimes I am unable to react to her like that.
We have a 4 year old daughter at present with me. I will be joining my wife soon, but I don’t know how to approach this problem. Once we start living together, I want my wife to feel secure and happy with me and love me to the core. Being a guy who cares for my wife and not wanting to give her up, would love to fill the emotional gap I have. I just need some guidance and my wife also wants to be out of this pathetic mess! GODSPEED!!!
(USA) Hi, Just this past weekend I did some reading on this website. My Husband divorced me 2 1/2 years ago. For at least the last 4 years, he has had and continues to have an obsessive emotional attachment to a co-worker who is 20 years younger than him. There has been nothing physical and the co-worker has told me, our son, and many of her other co-workers that she has no interest in a relationship with my ex. However, she continues to communicate with him (at work, by phone, texting, etc) even though she has told me she knows it gets his hopes up. (She is seeing someone else.)
I definitely feel I am in the middle of a love triangle and feel extremely hurt by the behavior of both of them. Just a couple of weeks ago, my ex purchased a small farm which mimics his co-worker’s parents’ farm. Sometimes, I feel my ex has some mental health issues and this helps me when I become so frustrated.
Up until last Easter, my ex and I were spending 4-5 days a week together for coffee, overnights (no sex), dinners out, movies, concerts, etc. But now we see each other about twice a month which has included a camping trip and a favorite activity that we have always enjoyed. I keep praying and standing for my marriage to be restored and always ask God to give me the faith and strength to trust Him. Thank you for listening.
(USA) I am happy to report that things have improved drastically between my husband and me since my last post of Oct. 10. I guess he got the message about my needing some attention. He has been almost like his former self the last week or so. He has actually initiated some hugs, invited me sit on his lap, held me tight in bed a few times, and told me that he loves me! I’m just blown away!!! I really am a low maintenence spouse–the thrill of a hug will last for days, so I’m happy about this change. I pray it lasts. Thanks to all who prayed for us!
I also want to say that telling my husband a little about this attorney here at work, although very difficult to do, has been very liberating. I no longer live with that feeling that I’m hiding something, and for some reason that has melted my nervousness and tension when I find myself in the same courtroom with him. I can actually act almost normal, as if there were nothing between us. It’s amazing. God is sooooo good. Love and courage to all.
(USA) Hey Rebecca, How great to hear your good report! Those hugs from home are sooooooo good, aren’t they? Be praying for me in the next 2 weeks as I will be contacted by my AP to make contact on his visit. I’m still feeling strong in the Lord and know he will give me the words to say. I’ve not yet had the courage to tell my husband anything and am not sure I ever can. Just ending the whole thing will bring me liberation. I’m just glad you never got to that place because I can tell you it is VERY painful. Please remember my words.
You just look at your husband as the most wonderful man on this planet and he will respond I’m sure. I’m praying for you. HUGS!
(USA) Thank you, Leah, for your prayers and your report. It’s good to know that you are feeling strong in the Lord! I just found your post today, but I will be praying for you. It will be hard to end everything, and you will probably experience some sadness and depression along with the liberation, (because there is that side of us that needs and wants what the affair was giving us,) but it is sooooo very worth giving up just to have God’s favor again!
And, yes, I am convinced that my husband is the most wonderful man on the planet! He has a stand at a large local Flea Market where he works Sat. and Sun., being that he can not get a regular job due to his back injury. Yesterday, he took the whole day off and spent it with us. We went to church together, went forward for prayer together, went out to eat, etc. Thank God for His goodness.
So, Leah, hang in there. Read and pray alot. Forgive yourself. Accept God’s forgiveness. Set your mind to DO the right thing. Trust God to handle the rest. The emotions will swing to and fro, the thoughts and longings will hang like a cloud at the edge of your consciousness, but head toward the light, even if you stumble and fall in the process. Love and prayers, Rebecca
(SOUTH AFRICA) phew, where to start? my husband and I both have 1 son each from previous relationships (who dont live with us), we have a 4yr old daughter together. His alchohol abuse has always been an issue – he forgets family appointments, is irrisponsible with time, choosing to "have a drink" rather than spend quality time as a family. over time he the name calling and yelling progressed to physical violence. It got to the state where I had to serve him with a domestic violence interdict (which will be valid for life). and I started divorce proceedings. He had moved out by then. after 3 wks i withdrew the divorce summons. Hoping that we could work things thru, and wanting to prove that i was serious. now it seems that i will never live that down. he joined a local Alcho Anon group, but says he does not see the need to attend anymore. The drinking continuous, not as much violence anymore, but he sometimes stays out the entire night, yesterday he was out from 5 (after work) coming in at 5 this morning. sometimes when i call his cell he switches it off or never answers. now i dont even call anymore. last year during 1 his ‘outings’ i found evidence that he had been with someone else… There is no relatinship/companionship here. I want to be so much more. I want out. I dont think that God wants this of me. I am so unhappy trying to please the Church and live by "biblical principles", i feel like a empty husk walking around. I cannot even be with my son – my husband does not want him around (too many teenage issues he says)
(CANADA) Hi, It was great to read these heartfelt comments from the other ladies. I am a Christian as well. I have had a happy marriage for 13 years – I really do love my husband dearly. The man with whom I have been having an emotional affair with is my son’s hockey coach – I have tried to break these intense, emotional feelings I have for him and I’m finding it very difficult.
It all started in Feb. ‘02 at a parents and kids hockey party when we were having a friendly conversation. I thought nothing of it at the time. I know I could be flirtatious with other men – it is my natural joking around personality. Anyway, he started flirting with me all the time when we would see each other (say 2 or 3X per week or so) and I liked it. It gave me that rush. Our sons are friends and he has conveniently made it that way – he takes my son to hockey games and out golfing. I’m pretty sure it is so that he can have contact with me. He has confided that he is not happily married.
This is very difficult because I have to see him on a regular basis and at times the sparks are like firecrackers. I tried to talk with my husband but he doesn’t understand and he is not concerned. He trusts me which is nice, but I’m scared if I am alone with this man, I may want to get physical. Could some of you out there please comment and provide some help. Thanks, Elaine
(USA) Hey Elaine, I have posted here in the past and you can read above things I have said.
I have been through so much grief and pain from my only emotional affair, that I had to write to you to say, please run as fast as you can from whatever you are in. I have done a lot of reading at ivillage message boards about women in full blown physical affairs and it is very destructive and painful when you take that extra step. So much more is involved. I feel enough pain with what I have done. By the way, I ended it for good 10 days ago and am already healing. The Lord will replace that need for attention with other positive things if you ask him. I did finally tell my very best friend, who I trust fully. I just needed someone I could be accountable to. That has help immensely.
Please keep posting here so the ones of us who have been there can give you support. I’m not sure you won’t suffer some withdrawals already from what you’re involved in. It is truly an addiction. Go to ivillage and do some reading.
(USA) Wow, I’ve read all the comments and appreciate all everyone has been/is going through. 4 months ago I discovered my husband of 17 years was having an emotional affair with a woman from our church. They served on the same church team. It’s still difficult today to describe the feeling when I found out… much more painful than I would have thought possible. I find myself deeply wounded, obsessive, angry, distrustful and frightened. The good news is that we are working it out, and he is willing to do whatever it takes to bring us through this.
This is a phenomenally painful process, and if I think about how long it will be before our marriage is strong again, I become faint of heart. But we are both broken people who love God and each other, and I cling to this hope daily. Sometimes, like late at night, thoughts about what happened, could have happened, did happen, etc. persecute me, and the only way I overcome this is to rebuke them, out loud, in Jesus’ name and divert my mind. So I started looking for help on the web.
Thank you so much for sharing your hearts. Even if you don’t always have answers, you’re surviving, and there’s something to be said for that. I realize now that love really is a choice, a commitment. But I now realize that I cannot fulfill this choice, this commitment with the wisdom, love and guidance of God. If nothing else, this situation has brought my relationship with God to an intimate, open place. Right now, He’s the only one I really trust.
Most of the time I feel so vulnerable and my natural instinct is to put up walls and emotionally detach. But I know if I do that, my marriage will end. So I go to God, and trust that He will protect my battered heart.
(CANADA) Hi Leah, Thanks so much for your comments. I was really hoping someone would respond. The problem with the other person is I have to see him all the time because our sons are friends and on the same hockey team. We live in a small town and I believe our sons will be involved in sports, go to the same middle and high school and our paths will cross for many years to come. We were at the parents party the other night and I worked really hard to talk to other friends – I did manage to do so but he was almost always in my line of view.
My dear husband does not understand – I know that I love him a lot more than the other man, but it’s so difficult when our paths keep crossing.
I am trying to be strong and have prayed about it. I think that an emotional affair is probably one of the most difficult things you can go through – it hurts even more than when my dad died some years ago. Good for you, Leah, for ending your affair. I hope that you can stick with it. I’ve tried to shut down my feelings several times, but I cannot.
(USA) Elaine, Leah, all, Here I am, caught up in the same circular struggle. When I don’t see HIM, (and I do all I can to avoid seeing him), I finally can pretty much forget about him. At least that is progress. But when I cross paths with him, then I still struggle for a period of time afterward –sometimes hours, sometimes days –with those feelings and endless thoughts.
Leah, I’m so happy to hear about your victory! Elaine, the first step is to determine that your actions be right, then over time the thoughts and feelings will line up little by little, of course with huge amounts of prayer, Word, and trust in God. Seeing the person is a constant problem, but ask God to help you to act normal, not flirty, when you are around him. Try to avoid him whenever possible.
God spoke to me so beautifully one day and told me that He had given me ONE husband and that I needed to put ALL my energies into loving him, so I’m working on that and it helps. God bless you all. Keep posting!
(USA) First of all I want to address Mitzie’s post. I guess I skimmed right over it the other day b/c I probably didn’t want to face the other side of an affair. I’ve been reading on this site all the pain and sadness the betrayed spouse goes through and it really breaks my heart because for them there was no choice or bad judgment. We are all selfish in our choices but they are the innocent victims.
My affair guy used to tell me that his wife didn’t like him anyway, probably just to ease my conscience, but that was probably a smoke screen to keep me coming back for more. She probably would have liked (loved) him had he been a kind a decent husband. That is not for me to figure out, but the bottom line is I never thought about her feelings (not that she ever knew about us) until I read some of the posts on the betrayed side. It will make you really see who the victim is. So for Mitzie, I am so sorry you have suffered so much.
Elaine, I do hope you can overcome your feelings for this man. I know being in some form of contact makes it much more difficult. Thankfully, I do not have any contact. I do think you should confide in someone who you can be accountable to so you will not cross the line at least physically. I guess the emotional line has already been crossed. I can tell you the longer you go with this, the harder the pain will be to end, at a later time.
Rebecca, I am so glad you’re back. I can tell you have turned this over to God. He will bring you through, just as He has promised. Please keep me posted. I’m sure I’ll be coming here for a long time, to get strength. It is an addiction and has to be taken VERY seriously. Love and prayers!
(USA) I have scanned the internet for some relief of what I have been going through regarding an emotional affair which I pretty much have had for a year. I ended up walking out of my job because I worked with him and could not take it anymore. It seems liked we were back and forth, became intimate in several ways but never slept together, and now I am so empty I can hardly stand it.
I have been gone from my job three months now and it is not easier. He did not contact me at all but has asked about me from another co-worker. How do you ever get over something you never ever had, and try and rebuild something with a man you cant stand? gailbeee
(USA) Gail, my heart literally breaks for you, as I can hear in your words the deep frustration, desperation, yearning, and a tinge of hopelessness that I have struggled with for months now.
It has now been a year since I met HIM, and I feel like I’ve been in a war ever since–a war with my own emotions and the relentless thoughts and desires that were born when I met this man. I have gotten the victory and have dedicated and re-dedicated my life to God and my heart to my husband countless times, only to find myself once again thinking, imagining, feeling things that I should not.
But it is worth the fight, and praise be to God Who always causes us to triumph! I intend to make Heaven, and in the process be a godly woman and the example I should be to my daughters and those around me. But I’d be trying to fool myself and all of you if I said that it was easy.
Fill your emptiness with God. Search for and desire His precious Presence. In His presence is fullness of joy. He is the only source of strength that I have found to fight this war. When I am entirely too battle-weary to go on, He sends me just what I need in the nick of time. Love and prayers, Rebecca
(ZIMBABWE) Well, after reading through other comments, I felt compelled to share an experience I am in and hopefully can get some assistance and advice. I am one of those in the predicament of infidelity and feel so guilty about it especially to my spouse and the effect it has on my marriage.
I am married with one child of two years and had been in the marriage for four years now. The issue is before I got married to my wife Hilda I had an affair before.This affair is the one that’s haunting me day and night and I can’t take it anymore. I just want to move on with my wife and forget about the past.
I had or am still having an affair with Rachel who is refusing to let go of me even though she’s aware that am now married. I met Rachel in church when we were still youths and I fell in love with her. The relationship went on for four years, though her family did not approve of our relationship, we kept on loving each other. She was a virgin then and had not known a man before but we then indulged in sex and she fell pregnant.
She eloped to our family house where I stayed with my parents but my parents did not like her, though for me I had no problem because i loved her. The reason why my parents disapproved of her was that she was five years older than me. Well, in love you don’t notice that until pressure mounted on me, then I realised the age difference. But I just felt the need to continue the relationship.
Unfortunately she had a miscarriage and this then made my peers more vocal about her. She finally succumbed to pressure and she left our house. The affair though continued secretly until I relocated when I found a new job. I used to come and see her as well as being intimate.
At my new job I then met my wife to be, Hilda whom I fell in love with. I then ended the affair with Rachel as I now concentrated on my new affair and discontinued all communications. I told Hilda about my past and she understood and we got married. Then one day I went to visit my parents and I met Rachel whom I had not seen for the past three years and she told me she still loved me and that she will not get married to anyone except myself as I was the one responsible for her losing her virginity. This is when communication with her started again behind my wife’s back.
Inside my heart I felt guilty to what I did to Rachel and at the same time felt the betrayal I did to Hilda. I would sleep several times with Rachel and it started affecting my relationship with my wife. Sex with my wife became a problem because I became too demanding for sex almost on a daily basis and my wife will turn me down and I found fault in her as I compared her with the sexual needs I got from Rachel. I acted normal and she did not notice anything amiss on me. Instead I was the one not getting any satisfaction from her.
Inside I really loved my wife and I wanted to let go of Rachel but still I found it difficult. I went to church and prayed daily to let the feeling of Rachel go away but still I could not let go. At one time I thought of telling my wife but I felt it was going to affect my relationship with her. No one knows about the extra affair, even my close friends and it’s a secret only known by Rachel and myself. I really want to let go and it’s affecting my relationship with God as I am no longer comfortable in my prayers and even my family as I always feel guilty of what I am doing.
Rachel in turn refuses to end the affair as she feel obliged to have me saying I destroyed her life and she no longer has any feelings for other men except the one who destroyed her virginity. I am afraid to come out in the open about the issue as I feel i will lose my wife. I am a God fearing person and as a family we are devoted Christians. All I want is a new life with my wife. I do love her. Please assist me get over her.
Regards, Collin
(USA) I just got to this site so I don’t know if I write what’s happening to me. I’ve read just about every thing on here and maybe someone can help me. I bought the movie Fireproof and it’s so touching, so I started looking and found this site. I guess I’ll start. For about a year and 2 months my husband has been on a site call move a chat line and started a relationship with a young woman. Intentionally we were to be on together but something about the computers, we couldn’t. So he got attached to this young lady. started hiding things, wouldn’t let me sit and also chat him.
He started sms on phone, got different yahoo accounts, started talking about not so nice things and I found out. He said he didn’t mean to got carried away, so l forgave him. Several months later, I find out he’s telling her he loves her wants to be with her. I confront him, he says he’s just saying this because they’re good friends. I’m not a prude, I tell my friend I love them, but not the way he says it. I love you, the words like this never comes out of my mouth, I reserve that for my husband. Am I wrong?
He tells her he wants to hold her close and be with her. Is it wrong to be upset? I’ve asked him to get her out of our lives, but he says he loves me, it’s all a game, don’t be upset. He says I just do not want him to have friends. This has been going on so long. I’m sick most of the time and depressed. Sometimes I cant breathe. I pray every night for help. She constantly phones him, sms him. Please someone help me. I love my husband, but when I’m upset I yell. I got the Love Dare book, and I’m trying to follow it. I’m not sure what to do. Help!
(CANADA) Hi Melinda, I’m sorry for all the pain you’re going through. To answer your question, you’re not wrong to be upset, even angry and you’re definitely not wrong to ask your husband to stop what he’s doing. Honestly, from yesterday I thought about what I should tell you. What I encourage you to do is not to give up praying. God has the answer. When you go to the article The Power of a Praying Wife on this site (in the “For Married Women” section) you’ll read a lot of the pain women have gone through with their struggles and also the triumphs.
What I encourage you to do is to pray for yourself and ask God to reveal anything that you might need to change (it’s not your fault what your husband is doing) but sometimes we as wives do things that are not pleasing to God. Ask God to change you and to give you all the resources you need to get through this with His help. Push in prayer and please listen to God for He’ll show you what needs changing. And He’ll guide you and He’ll see you through this.
Remember He knew this was gonna happen. He’s waiting for you to ask Him to change you. God starts working in one person at a time and He’s chosen you. So be humbled and have faith and watch as God works miracles in you and then your husband. It will take you having the faith that can move mountains and patience. Ask God to give them to you and a heart of forgiveness to forgive both your husband and this other woman.
And pray for that woman too. That’s the best way to start healing and trust me, it won’t be easy. I’ve been there but with the Lord’s Grace you’ll be able to. If you have a friend who can be there to pray for you and with you that’s even better. Cindy always encourages people to pray through the book of Psalms and I just started and it’s great. Immerse yourself in the word and praise God, and fast too.
I tell you God has the answer. You can read James 1:2-4; 1 Corinthians 7 — it’s about marriage. And read Isaiah 41:10 and Psalms 34:17-18. I can go on and on but the Word is your best comfort. If you can you can also buy the book SACRED INFLUENCE by GARY THOMAS and SAVING MY MARRIAGE ALONE by ED WHEAT. You can order them on amazon through this site.
I’m reading A WIFE’S PRAYER by PAMELA HINES and so far it’s good and when she started the Wife’s Prayer Group she told the women that "They were not to pray their own agendas and desires but they were going to pray the answer, not the problem.". That moved me so much because I realised that I had never done that. When I started praying I thought to myself, that’s not my husband. And God spoke to me and said, because it’s the answer.
And I had to stop and feel the magnitude of those prayers because we forget that by the time we’re praying our prayers are answered, maybe not the way we want, and the time we want, but in God’s perfect way and timing. Melinda, don’t give up. My prayers are with you and your husband. God’s Blessings.
(USA) I’ve read the comments and wanted to give my experience and hopefully hope in your situations. As a teenager, I met and fell for the first love of my life. Due to various circumstances, we didn’t work out. This affected me for many years to come and I didn’t have any relationships for a long time. My future wife to be pursued and pursued me despite my reluctance and the fact that I didn’t (and couldn’t) love her or let anyone close to me. Finally I gave in and although we have been married for 17 years with 2 girls, I still had trouble loving her as I should.
Recently, I found this other person after 28 years. We started with email and things took off very quickly. I felt as though she was still the one for me, as she complimented me and told me how much she loved me. I decided to fly to her state and meet her in person and sure enough, we hit it off. I was going to leave my wife and family and pursue a relationship with her. I was ready to move out and a wave of conviction hit me, and her as well. I simply could not do this in good conscience.
We decided to break off the affair and it took a few months to get over it. It was extremely painful at first, like I would never know passionate love again, but over time the pain went away. The longer the affair, the harder it is in my opinion. The amazing thing is, is that I am filled with a love for my wife that I had never known. I know I would never do this again. I don’t have a desire to even lust after a woman anymore.
God’s word on the permanence of marriage only strengthens my beliefs. I now realize all the many wrongs I’ve committed and I am deeply sorry for them. God can change hearts – yours and your spouses. Don’t do anything you will regret now and in the future, especially if you have children. Nothing is impossible for our God.
(USA) This is for Melinda. I hope you with us still, my dear. You really must read Dr. James Dobson’s book, Love Must Be Tough. That book, along with alot of prayer, saved my marriage several years ago when my husband was not behaving in conformity with our wedding vows. You deserve some respect, girl, but get that book and read it before you take action. Love and prayers, Rebecca
(CANADA) Hi Leah and Rebecca: I posted here back in November and my emotional affair has continued. I really minimized my contact as much as possible but still had to see him regularly. That’s what really kept the feelings alive. Anyway, I’ve now really made up my mind to try my hardest to get rid of the feelings that I’ve had for him.
I really think he’s got problems – he does not treat his son or wife nicely at all. He has some real anger issues too. I’m glad I am able to see his true colours. Even though I have to see him on a regular basis through my son’s sports, I am very determined to put these feelings to rest, move on and focus on my husband.
He is a wonderful man and I think I have taken the relationship too much for granted. This is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do, because the rush of emotions come on at times. I have talked to several friends about this. It helps.
(USA) I caught my husband in an emotional affair about 9 months ago. Several times he swore it was over but it would creep up either by her calling me & telling me he wouldn’t leave her alone or by me finding him at her workplace (she’s a waitress). I have been going crazy for all this time. It’s such a roller coaster that I am ready to get off. We have 4 children & that is the driving force for me staying. I feel I have reached the end of my rope though. It has been so long that I feel I can’t ever trust him again. Not to mention the fact that he’s obviously not in a place where he is ready to give all of this up.
You see, we have not had a perfect marriage, but I never felt insecure in our love before this. I always figured you had to work through the ups & downs of marriage. We run our own business together & he is involved in so many activities (leisure –including staying at bars late, community, athletic, etc).
After our 4th child, I reached a point where I was demanding that he give some stuff up! I am exhausted and lonely all the time! He always tells me to find my own activity but I try to explain that I want our family & "us" to be my activities.
Don’t get me wrong, I go to dinner once a month with my girlfriends & yoga once or twice a month but I don’t need a bunch of "me" activities. If I don’t suggest the two of us go out on a date (which could be grocery shopping for all I care) we would never go. So anyway, he says that I pushed him away. The house is always a mess because I can’t keep up with 3 kids in school & a baby to take care of (laundry, our business, dinner, homework, etc.). I also started a part time job (on top of my responsibilities in our business) to add extra income.
I have prayed my heart out & one night found your site! It was a godsend! I thought the healing separation would get us back on track but each time he would spend time away (a couple days) he would do what he wanted & come back like nothing was any different! I need some big change & he can’t seem to understand it. The fighting has become so intense that I don’t who I’ve let myself become.
We finally agreed there was nothing left to do but divorce but it feels wrong & horrible. Yet at the same time, it feels wrong & horrible to remain living this way. What can you recommend to me at this point? I have read & printed off several of your articles for him. We watched Fireproof together but it did not help. He sees me as the problem & I can’t figure out if he is just crazy or thinks I am that stupid??? What other resources would you suggest?
We are at such a crucial point right now. I almost feel like divorce might be the only way for him to see what he is actually losing. I just don’t know how to keep living in this. I have lost over 30 pounds (I didn’t have that much to lose) and feel so weak in my fight. How do I get him to come to know God & get on the right path? Please, any advice is much appreciated. I am lost!
(USA) I came to this web page a few months ago. I am the betrayed husband in an emotional affair and the insight into what my wife is going though was very enlightening and gave me hope for the future. I recently came back to read again because, as the article says and the discussion proves, these things are very hard to get over. I have spent the last few days reading the discussion and the insight into the other side of the equation gives me a real idea of the long uphill fight ahead, even though I still have a lot of hope. It is hope in things unseen right now though.
What moved me to post, however, is the last posting by Lynn. Since I am on the same side of the fence, in a way, I recognized similarities in my life and would like to share my experience.
A very good book I have read is "Desperate Marriages" by Gary Chapman. There are specific chapters about different situations that will help you. But the introductory chapter or two give some advice that I found life changing. The are summarized in this article: http://www.mainstreetmom.com/marr/reality.htm
In my experience, these are the things that I have found. Focus on yourself and your relationship to God (I am a Christian, but the last year has really made me realize what that really means. Look up the Scriptures about trials and testing.)
That’s it. the rest will flow from that. You say he thinks you’re the problem, you are saying he is. Almost always, you are both correct. You only have control of your half.
I don’t know how active this board is. If anyone is reading, let me know and I will share some more of my perspective. It helps me to get it out sometimes.
(USA) Hi HB, We would love it if you would share more of your perspective. I’m sure it would help many who read the comments and don’t write, as well as those who do. Thanks for the insights and the link you’ve shared so far.
(USA) When I get my thoughts together about what I want to say and how to say it, I will. I hope to let the ones struggling with being in the affair know how the other spouse may feel. I don’t think I am all that different from many out there.
For now, let me just give a list of books and resources I have found very eye opening and life changing. I will talk about them and what they meant based on my state of mind at the time. I have done a lot of introspection and soul searching in the last months and I can look back and see so many things over the last 20 years. I can see that what happened was not surprising, even though my wife is a Christian and did not go out seeking what happened.
I would like to say one thing to the "hooked" spouses reading this. I suspect you were like my wife. But I can promise you, just because your husband was told by you over and over that something was missing, just because he was warned specifically with more and more direct words that he should have understood, but was able to somehow not believe, just because it should not have taken you turning to another before he got it doesn’t me he does not get it and doesn’t mean he does not really love you. He is likely scared to death because he realizes he never learned to talk to you and now knows that you don’t believe he ever can.
My wife asked me to move out last summer. The next day or so she let me know about the affair. At that time I was an emotional wreck, holding on for all I was worth, basically begging. I started to go to a Christian counselor and was guided to a book. It has been around a while, but it probably saved any chance I have.
"Love Must Be Tough" by Charles Dobson. It felt like he was following me around. Explained how unappealing the behavior I was exhibiting really was. Enabled me to start letting go, which kept me from driving her away. A must read if you find yourself in this situation.
A few weeks later, I read "Change Your Heart, Change Your Life" by Gary Smalley. In short, it changed my heart and life. It has a similar theme as many other books I have read since, including the book I referenced in my first post. Replace wrong thinking in your heart with God’s truth from his word. One verse he recommended was 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 about being thankful in all circumstances. How could I be thankful when my wife was in love with another and I was as alone feeling as I had ever been? Then I realized, she has not moved toward divorce yet, she did not sleep with him, and even though I could not get her to give me any hope, she also did not say forget it. I realized that the affair really had been maybe the only thing that could have awakened me, that if things had continued as they had up until it developed, within a short time there may not have been any hope at all, if there was still any.
I read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, maybe the best book I have ever read. I wish I had read it 20 years ago, but I would not have felt the need to. If you want to make things better with your spouse, read it. Period, no matter what your current situation is.
I also read some smaller books by Gary Smalley and "Hope for the Separated" by Gary Chapman, which I recommend if you are in the situation I was in. Most of the books that I have read have a similar theme. If you want to get your marriage back, you can’t blame your spouse, you better look inside and see what it is that you can do to give what was missing. Start giving it. You can’t make them change anything, but you can give them reasons to want to. And I mentioned the "Desperate Marriages" book earlier. They have combined to give me hope.
I read a lot of daily devotionals and Sunday School lessons, I have been reading "Desiring God" by John Piper. Everything seems to be pointing me to realize the sovereignty of God and the place trials and testing have in it, how they are used to form us.
Sometime around the first of the year I came back home. But I am not sure how much things have changed. This site has helped me see what I am up against. I do get the feeling that she is struggling to give up the feelings, but I see how hard it is. We are in a situation where complete separation from the other party is not yet possible, so that makes it even more difficult.
If you are a praying person, please pray for my marriage. I don’t want to get it back like before, I want it to be what it should have been all along. I have more hope now that I have in a while, but sometimes it seems like a pretty steep hill.
(USA) Wow -that is all I can say. I am reading about other’s emotional affairs and I feel like I am reading about my life. The one thing I really got out of reading this is that the only way to get over it is to stop seeing him. You all are right -seeing him brings the feelings back all over again. I need to proactively STOP instead of proactively trying to see him! You have all given me hope. I truly believe that the Lord will give me strength and I will be o.k. Thanks for letting me know that I am not alone in this. I like this site better than ivillage.
(MALAWI) I like this site, it has really opened my eyes.
(USA) This article was very eye opening for me. My father has recently "admitted" to my mother that he was in "love" with another woman that he met during his last tour of duty in Iraq. The woman and her family are refugees from Iraq and are currently living several hours away, as he helped them leave Iraq. He will take long trips for work, and will take an extra few days to visit her and the family
I have not spoken to him of his affair, as I do not think that he realizes that I know of it. I just want him to stop seeing this woman, hurting my mother, and ruining what seems to be everything. How do I get him to stop?! I know that he and my mother have been trying to work things out… (especially my mother, she has bent over backwards to try and change) but he still goes and visits her.
I am absolutely frustrated. He tries to pretend that there is nothing wrong.
I am leaving for college this upcoming fall. I am worried that things will get worse while I am away, and that I will come home for holiday and discover that there is no family to come home too.
Sorry to sound so whiny, but what can I do to convince him that my mother and the rest of our family loves him? I have actually met the woman, and I just got this feeling when I met her that she was using him as a sugar-daddy, and I don’t think that he realizes this. What can I do?
(US) I wrote on this site in Nov 2008. I had walked out on my job because of this emotional affair. I went 7 months not seeing him, got word that he asked about me all the time, finally I went by and saw him. He didn’t call me for a month then bam out of nowhere an email. He asked me to come to some event. I did. Now I am all upset again. He emails me, teases with me. He has to know I am not over him…please help.
(US) I emailed back into the group about meeting up with man I fell in love with at work, left my job, proceeded to have a semi-nervous breakdown, all for nothing. I re-established a relationship with him after going by and seeing him and then him waiting a month and contacting me to invite me to boot camp in which he knew I like working out.
He emailed me almost everyday..then I discover while emailing back and forth he is on the chat site on line almost everyday… and it’s not me
so I figure he is a player… and this broke my heart and sent me back. I had asked God to reveal to me the true John and I guess he did.
Now I am back to square one in a marriage I’m not sure I’m happy being in. I just want the security and never feeling like this again… I don’t know what to do and I pray that someone will read this and reply.
He also had the nerve to ask me if I would send him some sexy pics to take with him as he climbs a mountain in Alaska. Is that weird or what? Maybe he was joking, I don’t know. Part of my sick feeling in my stomach tells me he could be just be getting off by all of this. Please help me understand… somebody. Gailbee
(USA) I haven’t posted for a long time, because I’m sure that nobody wants to read about my never-ending struggles, but today I need to sound off and also respond to some of the things that HB wrote. I hope, HB, that you are still visiting this site. First, I want to emphasize and re-emphasize that total separation is the ONLY way to get over an emotional affair. HB, as long as your wife is around this man, even to see him out the window, or from a distance, those feelings will re-surface, and affect her thinking and her behavior. I know that first hand. If you have read my posts here over the last year, you will know that I do not work closely with the man I “fell in love with,” but I see him randomly sometimes once in a 2 week period, sometimes 3-4 times a week. Encounters are brief, normally 3-5 minutes. I have no practical way to free myself from this occasional contact. My husband is disabled and I am the breadwinner. This is the only skill I have and jobs in my field are hard to come by. To quit my job would mean my kids would go hungry and we would lose our home and everything.
To reiterate, I was/am a moral person of high principles and I never would have thought myself capable of have an affair-even an affair of the mind. What I didn’t know was my own vulnerability cause by a long course of circumstances–my husband’s injury, his ensuing depression, inability to perform sexually, and change of personality. My love bank was empty. Not only had I not had any deposits to my love bank, to speak of, but I had a huge deficit. I have dedicated my whole life to my husband–I make the living, I pay for almost everything –the house, the payment on his truck; I cook the meals, wash the clothes, clean the house, take spiritual leadership in the home (not because I want to, but if I don’t, no one will), go to church and school meetings by myself, etc. The only thing he does is transport the kids to and from school and every now and then, he is unavailable for that and I have to ask for favors from other mothers or friends.
And then after 12 years of marriage he stopped touching me and the compliments and communication dried up. So that was the emotional climate of my heart and soul when this man walked into my life.
He is such a gentleman, so elegant, quiet, refined, accomplished. Whenever I see him, no matter how hard I am trying to forget him, my heart jumps and thoughts of how gorgeous, how kind, how attractive he is flit through my mind without my consent.
Today, I am crying inside. Three weeks ago tomorrow, he made his first move. After a year and a half of his sitting in the courtroom, devouring me with his chocolate brown eyes, –oh, those looks of adoration, lust, concern, those winks of reassurance, those deposits made into an empty love bank–he walked up to me 3 weeks ago and talked awhile, asking about my tired eyes, expressing heartfelt concern regarding all the stress in my life, and then he wrote his cell number on his card and gave it to me. Imagine, my husband was out of town and we hadn’t had even a casual conversation for weeks before he left. As always, I was not even consulted regarding his decision to leave for 2 1/2 weeks with his father.
What a temptation! But, I did the right thing. I did not call him. I sent him a written message a few days later that I could not. When my husband returned, I told him about it and again explained my need of his attention. He (my husband) has been very affectionate the last few days, but I don’t know how long that will last. We’ve gone through this cycle before.
I have seen my love in the courtroom 3-4 times since I sent him the message. Today his face is drawn into a deep frown; he is stiff and tense and has deep pain in his chocolate eyes, and avoids looking at me. I am so sad, so very sad, but I’m trying to lift my eyes upward and keep them on the Prize. I must make it to heaven and shunning this wonderful person is part of the price. My heart is bleeding. God help me.
(US) Rebecca, I have followed your post and have read every one. I too know what it is to be so tempted that you can’t stand it or yourself… In my situation as I wrote above, my tall and dr handsome man, I think is fooling around with other women or chatting on line or whatever. I was overcome with grief… I thought I was the only one, thinking he was in love with me too.
Prior to this, I had prayed and prayed for God to show me the truth about j—, and credit to God and through his word, he did…O I don’t know for sure if he is chatting with others, but just asking me for sex pics of myself was a red flag… I hope and pray I can get over him. In my case I worked with him as well, but walked out on a state job with benefits because I simply couldn’t handle it anymore. Do I think God will deal with him? Yes. Do I think God has dealt with me? Oh yes…
I feel your pain with your husband.. a little different story, but mine doesn’t pay a lot of attention to me either, so I am very vulnerable. I’m glad you wrote on this site. I do wish others would. It would help to understand all of this. Gail
(INDIA) I am 34 yrs old and have 2 lovely daughters who mean my whole world to me. I loved my husband initially and had never thought that I would b falling in love with another man ever. 9 years ago I fell in love with this handsome guy who worked in the same place where I was. He also showed great interest in me initially. We were just good friends and I shared all my marital problems with him.
My husband was not able to satisfy my sexual urges but I was ok with it. When I met this guy he gradually came very close to me which led to an intimate relationship between us. I always had a feeling that what I was doing was not correct but it was so very difficult for me to go away from him. I had asked my lover to get married and settled in life but he always said that he loved me and could not think of another woman in his life.
But after 8 yrs of our affair one day he confessed to me that this parents were forcing him to get married and that he was in a fix. I was quite considerate about his future and asked him to do as his parents wished but he told me that if he got married I shouldn’t go away from his life. Somehow he was able to convince me and I unwillingly agreed.
After his marriage he seems to have changed. When I tell him I want to discontinue he refuses and says that he still loves me. He drops in at my place for sex anytime he feels and even if I refuse he forces me. He says that he enjoys sexual relationship only with me but I know he has developed a good relationship with his wife too, which disturbs me a lot.
Now this is where I need your help. I want to forget him and start loving my husband like before but over the years my husband has become so rude and critical that he doesn’t realise what he is doing. On the other hand it is also very difficult for me to forget this guy. Sometimes I really don’t understand why he is not leaving me. Is that he really loves me or is it just that sexual urge. Please help me.
(USA) Sweety, I realize that in your culture, many marriages are arranged. You ask the question, does your paramour love you, or does he just want sex? Well, how do we define love? In the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13 defines agape love, which is one of the loves the Bible calls us to have for our spouse. We are also to have a romantic love for our spouse.
Your affair with your lover really isn’t love. It feels good, for a moment. But the guilt you have tells me it’s not really love.
You may have the romantic notion that love is something you feel, and if you don’t feel it, then it must not be love. I’ll not deny that loving and being loved can feel really good. But those feelings are not really the love, but the product of that love. Love is something you do, the feelings follow the actions.
I suspect your husband knows something is wrong. He may not know what, and that is helping drive his rude, critical nature. Think about it. His wife has and apparently still is betraying him. He has a really good reason right there to be critical. So even if he doesn’t know the real reason he should be critical, can you fault him for being critical when you have betrayed him?
You write, “I want to forget him and start loving my husband like before but over the years my husband has become so rude and critical that he doesn’t realise what he is doing.” Stop blaming him for your failure to do what you are called to do. If he were here, I’d tell him the same thing, love your wife despite her failures.
My re-write of this would remove the word but, and everything after it. Your behavior, your decisions are entirely up to you. No excuses accepted. No shifting blame to him for not making the right choices. My re-write would be, “I WILL forget him and start loving my husband like before. No but’s, no excuses, no blame shifting or justification of my bad behavior onto my betrayed husband.
One other thing, I would also suggest you say, “I will be 100% transparent with my husband, and tell him about the affair. No excuses.”
Now, you may need to do this from a safe place. But the abuse of the affair continues as long as he doesn’t know about it.
It’s not good enough to simply end the affair. To re-establish intimacy, to tell him what he needed to know, but can’t figure out, you have to be 100% honest about your transgression, turn from it, and ask him and God for forgiveness.
It’s simple for me to say. Yet I also realize it’s not easy to do.
Find a Godly woman mentor to assist you in the matter, and a Godly man to be there for your husband when the two of you go through this crisis together.
(S. AFRICA) Sweety, Oh dear I can’t believe your story and even your questioning as to whether this man loves you or not. He “has his cake and is eating it”. You say this affair has been going on for 8 years. No wonder your husband has become rude and critical. Try putting as much energy and love into your marriage as you are wasting with this man. What you are doing is WRONG; it will only bring you misery. Cut ALL ties with him, he is married now – let them be. He is using you. Don’t be fooled.
(USA) Well, I just came across this site. I was married for 14 years and I met a woman who completely changed my life. She was beautiful, smart and so incredibly nurturing. I fought her advances with every inner resource I had but eventually succumbed to a love that undid my very soul. Even after 8 years these feelings have never really diminished.
I was a pastor at the time. Yeah, I know. I am an embarrassment to the profession. If it helps, I was so ashamed of my feelings that I resigned my job without being caught or exposed. This is not to say that I did not admit my problem for I did just that. But all the ministry years had come to a halt.
I am still married, but forever chained. I have done everything to rid myself of this person (I am sure that she would have nothing to do with me anyhow), but I have decided that this is something that I will live with for the rest of my life. There is no escaping this place of torment. One can only hope to manage the pain until the release that comes through death itself. That is my only hope. May death come before I wake.
(US) I returned to this site again hoping someone would help me too. I am still involved in this emotional struggle. My man, who I am in love with, has not talked to me for 7 months since I left my job. All of a sudden he resurfaces, stays on me about going to lunch; we met, and I knew I still felt the same way. He emailed for a while then quits like he is waiting for me to and I’m not. Then I find myself waiting and looking for him… getting upset all over again. We were slightly intimate but then he drew back very fast. It’s like he is battling with himself. Please read my post back in May. Can someone help me too? Gail
(USA) Hi Gail, Bless your heart! I sense that you feel so lost in knowing how to live out each day while your emotional heart is playing tricks on you. You allowed yourself to “play” with temptation (as you said in your May posting — you realized this man is a “player”), you acknowledged that you “asked God to reveal” this to you and as you said, “I guess He did.” Now you are allowing yourself to be pulled back into the game of the chase — him chasing you like a sly cat.
You said you are married… this man is chasing in a coy way, a married woman… what does that make him? Whether you “want” to be in this marriage or not, this man has no business being with you, and the same goes for you with him because you have made a vow with your husband. I’m sorry to say this so bluntly. I sense you are a caring, loving woman… but you are also allowing yourself to live a deceived lifestyle.
You ask for help, and it appears that you need it. Gail… it is easier for those of us who are able to stand back objectively to see that you are being played with again — by this man, your mind and imagination, and the enemy of our faith who seeks to destroy. I pray you see this and “flee” as the Bible tells us to do in 1 Corinthians 6:18-20, when tempted. God has redeemed you. Don’t go backwards into this type of imprisonment again. Each time you do, the pull will be stronger and the potential hurt and scarring and damage done will be all the worse as well.
As tough as this is for you to face, from what I see, this man “is not that into you” except to use you for his own benefit and use. I’m so sorry to be the one to tell you that. But I hope you will wake up now, rather than later with even more damage done.
Of course this man will ask about you and will seek you out at different times… don’t we seek out decadent desserts when we want them? Afterward we go on to other interests, but then are drawn back to find them again when we are tempted. You aren’t created to be some kind of “tart” — God loves you and wants more for you than this. Run towards God and His ways and not this man. Temptation is fun for a season or more, but the price that is paid is NOT worth it. You can’t hit a “rewind” on regretful behavior. Cheating leads to regrets.
It will take sheer grit, determination and perseverance on your part to flee from this type of temptation because you’ve tasted that which you shouldn’t have eaten (like Eve did in the Garden). If you keep investing yourself into this addictive lifestyle and dream (which will eventually turn into your worst nightmare), you will waste the time God has given you to live out, and will wake up to find yourself to be a used, worn out, sorrowful old woman, regretting loss that never had to be!
I pray you are able to break free from this man Gail. I sense God is trying to get through to you, but you keep running in the opposite direction. “As God’s fellow workers, we urge you not to receive God’s grace in vain. For He says, ‘In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you.’ I tell you, now is the time of God’s favor, now is the day of salvation” (2 Corinthians 6:1-2).
I am praying for you — along with many others who will visit this section of the web site. You are very cared about and loved!
(CANADA) Hi Rebecca: I have not been on this post for a long time as well. Although we are from different worlds, your description of Mr. DA is very similar to my son’s hockey coach. I also fear he will make the BIG MOVE on my one of these days. He looks at me with the most loving, adoring eyes. He wants to take my son golfing with his son in the summer. We saw each other about 10 days ago, hadn’t seen each other in about a month and the feelings, chemistry, everything was just the same as always. My heart always jumps when I see him – it’s all so strong between us!
From your previous posts it seems like you were making real progress but to be unhappy in your marriage is very difficult. You had conviction about giving your love up. I am generally happy in my marriage, although there are certainly some frustrations. God has been good to me – blessed me with a strong family life with the husband and two boys. I also have a supportive church group and friends.
But like, you, this is the thing that won’t go away. You have regular contact and so do I. It is very difficult to heal and let it go – unfortunately it just won’t happen anytime soon. I will pray for you Rebecca and your situation. Please post and let me know how things are going.
(USA) I found Elaine’s post this morning. So good to hear from you! I don’t get on everyday, just check once a week or so to see if there is anything new. I have been working really hard on my relationship with my husband. Things are going well, at least on the surface. I have been doing a lot of research and reading, and have found info that suggests that when a spouse pulls away and becomes non-communicative and spends all their time buried in some alternative activity such as TV watching, that this is a result of some deep resentment or latent anger toward their companion.
So now I wonder what it was I did or said that caused my husband to become silent toward me in the first place, as I am one of those non-confrontational people who avoid conflict at all costs, and strive to treat everyone, especially my husband with love, respect, and understanding.
Anyway, we have had some very pleasant times together recently. I have been following some suggestions from MortFertel@MarriageMax.com. I must say that my husband is definitely trying too– not that he is watching TV any less or communicating any better, but at least he is treating me with affection and has taken time to go out with me several times.
Now regarding Mr. DA, ever since he made his “BIG MOVE,” everything has been different. I had a very strong gut feeling right after I e-mailed him and told him that I could not call him, that he would stop working in this building. I truly believe that he fell in love with me, and I don’t say that lightly, because I had never experienced that before. Never in my life had anyone ever “fallen in love” with me. I have observed how men act when they “fall in love” with other women, but had never been on the receiving end.
Somehow I knew that it took all the courage he had to give me that business card with his cell number on it, and that my turning him away would be very hard on him. That is why it caused me so much agony, even though I know I had no option but to do the right thing.
Well, I believe that my gut feeling was right. It has been 10 weeks yesterday, and he is hardly ever here now. I was in the same courtroom with him perhaps 3-4 times in the first 4 weeks and he looked awful. His face was drawn and he would not look at me. He was rigid and tense and I could not detect if he was angry, embarrassed, sad, depressed. He even looks like he has lost weight although he is naturally very slender. The last time I was in the same courtroom was 4 weeks ago. I sensed some softening in his attitude and could tell he was looking at me, but I did not reciprocate.
I feel so very bad for having led him on in any way in the past, so I have determined to ignore him, even though it hurts. I think he may be filling a different position for the DA’s office because he comes to court very rarely and sometimes I see him from my window crossing the street in jeans. Still the chain has not been broken. I think about him every day, even though I pray and long to stop and forget him. Hopefully with time and with virtually no contact, that prayer will become reality. Pray for me and I will pray for you. Thanks
(USA) This website helps so much to validate that I am not CRAZY!!! Here is my story: I am married to my high school sweetheart and we have been together for 21 years (married 15), never broken up, passionately in love, have 2 beautiful children, strong family bonds… the “perfect” story. So the fact that I allowed myself to become emotionally involved devastates me.
Both my husband and I play musical instruments (I french horn, him trumpet) and we often get hired to play in local groups. Over a year and a half ago we were hired by an old friend from high school who we played with in a local symphony years and years ago. I only knew him as an acquaintance really, my husband knew him longer. He is a fantastic conductor, inspiring, dynamic, fun… you get the picture.
I am a flirt by nature, and my husband knows this, so I acted how I always did. We chatted back and forth at rehearsals etc. I do not recall how it transpired, but one day we went to lunch with my husband’s permission/knowledge. We got along GREAT and just laughed and carried on as a couple friends would. I found myself feeling something I had only felt for my husband. It scared me, but I didn’t think much of it because he WAS attractive and he was talking about his serious girlfriend (who is not living in the same town as him… they have a long distance relationship).
Fast forward many months… we emailed, texted, and went to lunch every 6-8 weeks. I found myself trying to find ways to hear from him. Then… my family and he and his daughter got together and our house for dinner. Our girls are similar in age. They hit it off unbelievably. Now THEY want to see each other more often.
So the web is getting thicker… back in March things were getting “out of control”. Texting that crossed the line of what a married woman should be texting another man, I was emailing from my work email, but when going to lunch I always shared with my husband. He was beginning to see what was happening and he started to check my texts and emails. Now, nothing physically happened. But in hindsight I think it was getting close.
My husband and I talked and hashed things out. He does not want us to stop communicating/being with this friend of ours. He wants me to “move on” and refocus on our marriage. He does not want to lose a friendship. So I met with my friend and we talked about our mutual feelings, later wrote a letter to him, and he even talked with my husband. He told my husband that he has “no worries” because he does not want my husband to go through what he has gone through (divorce).
OK… hunky dorey… sounds great all fixed… right? My feelings are just all consuming and overwhelming at times!!! Mind you, through all of this my husband and I were having an INCREDIBLE sex life (I WAS NOT THINKING OF MY FRIEND). We continue to see this friend and his daughter and have even been camping with them. Our kids LOVE this guy and his daughter and my husband and him get along very well.
Here is where I am struggling… everything I have read says that the “offender” (me) finds something in the person they are emotionally attached to that they are not getting from their spouse. I can’t figure this one out!!! The only thing I can figure out is that this man is more self-confident, spontaneous, and reckless than my husband. How do I get my husband to work on those?!?! I have shared that with him and he is a little intimidated by that because “that’s not who he is”.
We have recently started our couple prayer time again and have shared our story with our pastor and some very close friends. I know not seeing him again would fix it, but I don’t foresee that happening. Every time I think of him, I pray to God to help me. We still text, but more about specifics with the girls and whatever we are doing. He is a GREAT FRIEND… and I have a GREAT HUSBAND… but I am not having GREAT feelings.
I am back on my anti-depressant and am working towards rekindling my prayer life. I feel so guilty and am having a hard time forgiving myself. My husband has been incredible throughout this. He has his moments, but on the whole he has been more forgiving and compassionate than I would have ever expected. I essentially am in love with two men… it is getting significantly better… but nonetheless I am working to fall out of love with one and become even MORE in love with the other.
Prayers from this group would be so appreciated… thank you for allowing me the opportunity to share my story.
(US) Hi, I have been reading this site quite often. I got into an affair with an ex-colleague about 7 months back. We both are happily married and are reasonably happy in our respective marital lives. Somehow, we never could realize what we got into. Texting, chatting talking – sharing, sharing problems etc. Ours is a different story. We are in different cities. But realized that this urge to be together/meet up is so strong (we met a couple of times), that getting physical had become a very strong need and if we don’t get physical – that charisma of curiosity, the unknown will never cease. Interestingly, we used to share the outcome, impact on future / on spouses etc. We decided on 2 things (that is, after clearly accepting that wrong is wrong – and we are into it – and we are determined to bring ourselves back on track) 1. last date to end the affair (gave it some 2 months) and then 2. get physical once (if possible within the deadline).
Before our planned date, we discussed also – that both of us were straying for the first time in the respective marriages – so we had mixed feelings. We did that and lived through the fantasy. Most of you will find it rude to read. But reality remains, God has made us like this (like all the other species on earth) – in core natural way – we desire and seek more mates. Of course, I am also a god loving person, but I reasoned it has to be a balance between nature and our set moral values. What is so natural cannot be so wrong.
I imagined my husband in my shoes and my reactions. I am honest – I think I would understand and give some time for recovery. Why do we still want to continue with marriage? It’s simply because it has so many more things – good things, kids, love & care for the spouse, respect for the togetherness and support during tough times. But what we are seeking out is not possible in the relationship which is decades old.
We parted ways on our decided date of about 6 months of having an affair. We decided to help each other when the other person feels weak and wants to contact back – by observing restraints. We spoke a couple of times. It is like 3 steps forward and 1 backward. But, look at this, if we completely say no – what we end up doing is faning air into the desire, which again pushes us into a state of limbo.
We are portraying the blogs that men are the ones who are using us – whereas that may not be correct thing to do – at least in general.
God made us sexual beings. He also wants to teach us restraint and control. Like all the other urges (of food, sleep), he wants us to learn control on sexual urges also. But that does not mean that we should sulk ourselves in so much of guilt by indulging in one odd affair. The key is to be aware of what you are doing, to act maturely and understand that you are hurting your spouse by breaking the trust.
It is so easier and tempting for me to go back to my husband and tell him my story. I believe that is like punishing my husband for something I did. I need to go thru the pangs of guilt, serious efforts in controlling my emotions, serious efforts in continually investing in my marriage, my kids, and my husband so that I don’t snatch away anything because of my wandering thoughts, actions.
I dont regret what I did, in a way it helped my relationship with my husband – as I started feeling more emotionally close, physically close simply because I became somewhat insecure that I might lose him. At the same time, I helped myself to fulfill my desires, satisfy my curiosity, and helped me connect with a great friend emotionally.
Did I hurt anyone? No (may be myself – yes because of the trauma of societal norms, your own set standards for yourself – “how can I do this?” types) So, lets not equate love/desires to murder and rape. If I would have chased men, I can understand the wrong in that. If something had happened without any bad intention of screwing anyone’s life, I can’t logically go and bury myself in the heaps and heaps of guilt. God is inside and god also gives us strength to move on. Right and wrong are all shades of grey. This is not about black and white. Situations, circumstances and lot of other things play their role.
I can tell you I read a lot on the topic for initial 2-3 months of turmoil I went thru.
First and foremost question I was searching for was – why it happened to me. I realized after reading so many blogs, sites, books – that this is universal. Then I wanted to understand – why it happens? I mean more on logical and technical grounds. Came across a web site – even bought the online books. I received immense insight. I shared the same with my affair partner also. He knew the struggle. We knew that at times, we end up speaking bad about our spouses – but that does not at all mean they are not good or we dont love them.
I feel another important point was – we made it pretty clear to each other – that first comes our personal lives (with respective families), then job, and then we to each other. We used to call each other timepass. So, I think it helps to bring the fantasy love to a simple attraction level and then deal with it. Depends upon us how we interact in this new relationship. Emma (not my real name though)
(CANADA) I am so glad to have found this site, because I have been in a similar situation like most of you, and I need support to stay strong. I have been married for 2 years, but I have been unhappy for these two years. My husband seems disconnected from the relationship, and he seems to always be pretending to be someone he isn’t. I feel like I don’t know who he is.
After we got married, I found out many lies he had told me, or had omitted from me. I also found out he was addicted to pornography (and, as a Christian and a Pastor, he has always condemned people who were into porn). I was devastated. Even though we almost got divorced, we managed to stay together… but I still feel our relationship is superficial.
Anyway, about 9 months ago, I met this guy at work, and we seemed to have really connected in a friendship level. Talking to him was always pleasant, but it stayed strictly at work settings, and I never really thought about him outside work, ever… our conversations kept getting more and more intimate. He would share a lot of his issues about his girlfriend, and I would give him advice… Then, I started trusting him more and started sharing my personal problems that I had been having with my husband… and he was always such a good listener, very supportive, he would even pray for me… I started admiring him so much, I would look forward to see him and hang out with him…
I thought it was still innocent, since we had not been close physically… after a while, he started telling me how perfect he thought I was, and if he wasn’t in a relationship, he would want to be with me. That triggered feelings in me, and I started to picture us together. I basically started to develop hope for a relationship with him, which was never there before… and he was very confused as well… but we didn’t want to lose our friendship, so we kept contact.
I then realized that I would be getting hurt by him, because he kept talking about his girlfriend, but at the same time, he would express to me how we were also a match, and I started to believe that. So I told him I had to tell my husband what was going on, in order to be able to stop seeing him. It didn’t help much. Once I told my husband, he didn’t give much importance, and I stared missing the other man terribly. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, I was in so much pain…. it was awful. But we stopped talking for a long time
Very unexpectedly we started talking again on the phone… and even though I was nervous about it, I would feel so happy to hear from him, nothing else mattered. We then finally met again, and all the feelings were still there, from both of us, even stronger than before. But we decided that we shouldn’t see each other again, since it wasn’t right… which I agree… but I want to contact him so bad it hurts. I don’t know how to go about fixing my marriage and being happy with my husband. I don’t know how I could even feel anything for him anymore.
I know this other man can’t give me what I really need, but I go through times that I just want to be with him so bad, that nothing else matters.
I know that if I do contact him, I will just hurt myself even more, but I don’t want to let him go. What should I do? Would it be ok to talk to him only once in a while, or would that just make things go back to where they were? I miss my friendship with him the most… it hurts… it’s painful. Please, anyone, any support?
(CANADA) This is Meire again… I feel that I didn’t express myself well on how I feel… My connection with this other man was so strong, that I want to contact him so I can share with him my feelings, things that are new, that just happened… I would rather share my day with him, than to share anything with my husband.
Sometimes I want to contact him so he can pray for me… so he can give me some word of wisdom… I haven’t contacted him because I am afraid he will reject me, but the urge is always there. Sometimes I just want to text him and say “miss you”, and see if I get something back. I know I haven’t gone as far as other women, but how can I definitely end it now, before the pain just gets deeper and stronger?
(USA) Meire, As I read your letter, I sensed pain on so many levels. And where there is pain, there is often confusion and desperation to get away from the pain. I can well understand why your heart connected on to this other man. It makes human sense. You entered marriage thinking one thing and found out in reality, things were totally different. This would only naturally cause pain and confusion.
And for that, my heart goes out to you. How I wish things could have been different! Most any woman reading your story would probably feel the same. But whether we wish they were different or not, they aren’t. That is the reality of life — something that must be dealt with apart from fantasy.
You ask for help and "support" and so I will write what I perceive the Lord is leading me to say. Please pray about it. I will give you one woman’s side of what I see, but you need to hold it up to God’s light to see if He is speaking through my words.
Meire, you went from one fantasy of believing your husband was one thing and then found out differently. When this type of reality hits us in the face, as women, we often start looking for a different life situation to take it’s place. We aren’t even aware of it. It’s a type of Cinderella scenario and women are especially vulnerable to it. (Men are too, but it just takes on a different direction… women look for someone else to connect their hearts to because of the longing they have for "soul-mates" in the romantic sense.)
All of this left your heart open and unguarded. You wanted to better understand why your husband betrayed your trust after you had given your entire being to him as his wife. Even though you may not have realized it, your heart and mind went on the search. When you started talking to this man, you were in a vulnerable position — like a person drowning. You grabbed onto the first opportunity to escape drowning in the hurt of it all.
But Meire, whether or not this man MAY have been good for you at one time in your life or not, it doesn’t matter. He isn’t yours to consider. You are going from one fantasy… throw in a dose of reality, and then are rebuilding another upon another fantasy in your mind with this man — someone you shouldn’t consider no matter how wonderful he looks.
You are married to your husband. You made a commitment and God is the one you are to explore and HE will show you how to work WITHIN your marriage to live as you should. Even if right now your husband is damaged in what he can give back, that doesn’t mean that is who he will be and what will be happening in the future. Go with God on this… not the path that the enemy of our faith is tempting you to follow. This other man is "smoke and mirrors" — he is more unreal than real in your mind’s eye right now. And again, even if there is some good within him, he isn’t yours to explore.
I know that 2 years can seem like a lifetime to be married, but in the span of eternity, it’s just a beginning. Yes, it’s been a difficult beginning, but you need to give God and time and investing your energies into what you SHOULD be investing your energies into, your full attention instead of following more "smoke and mirrors" (as the enemy of our faith keeps putting before you).
I pray you are able to see what I am trying to say. You are addicted to what you believe love is, rather on what it really is. GOD is LOVE. Seek Him and His heart and His way of proceeding in your marriage and THEN you will truly know love. It’s less feeling and more doing.
It would be good for you to go into the "Surviving Infidelity" section and read the article "Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair". Afterward, read the comments. You will see the addiction you are dealing with (and even the one your husband is dealing with in a different way). Whether you have become physical yet with this man or not, what you are dealing with is an affair of the heart and mind. You need to flee. It will still be painful — very painful and difficult, but less painful and less damaging than if you allow yourself to go into this further soul tie.
Meire, all I can say is: "WARNING… WARNING… WARNING!!!" Do not go further into this fantasy world with this man. Invest your heart and soul into God and let Him be your guide in building your relationship deeper with HIM first, and then reinvesting your energies into your marriage.
See where God takes you rather than where the direction you are headed right now. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and HE will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6). I pray for you, I encourage you to flee from further temptation. I stand believing for you that if you go with God in this, you will eventually see that He is rescuing you from further hurt than you would have experienced if you go the direction you are headed right now. He wants to help you. He wants "to give you hope and a future" (read Jeremiah 29:11-13). I believe this for you and pray this over you.
I’m so glad you came to this web site and poured out your heart. I encourage you to pray and fast and flee temptation… and pray and fast and flee and learn from God. I encourage you to study marriage and study your husband. Go through this web site to read more about men and husbands and how to best approach them.
Become the woman of God who learns what she can and applies wisdom she has gained after she has sought it in the right places. "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down" (Proverbs 14:1).
I encourage you to read through the “"Pornography and Cybersex" section of our web site so you can see the tangled web your husband is caught up into… it could help you in your approach to your marriage. I pray it does.
I pray God will bless you as you "seek first His kingdom and his righteousness" (see Matthew 6:33-34). As you "ask, seek, and knock"… (please read Matthew 7), I pray a blessing for you as you build your home upon the "solid Rock" rather on shifting sand. May God go with you.
(CANADA) Dear Cindy, You have no idea how much everything you wrote me touched me in a spiritual way. I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to read my comment and respond to it. As I read it, it felt as if God was using you to talk to me, and it also showed me that He cares about what is going on, and if I seek Him, He will heal, restore, renew my life and possibly marriage. You know, after so much turbulence in my life, I felt as if my faith was becoming weaker and weaker… and the weaker I got, the more I looked for temporary fixes to help me with my pain.
I know this man is a temptation that I need to stay away from… I can also feel how hard satan is trying to destroy my life and marriage. The biggest issue I face now I believe, is to how to work on my marriage. When I wrote my first comment, I was 80% sure I would be getting divorced, not to be with the other man, but because I do not have any more strength to make things work with my husband. My heart doesn’t want to be with him, but my rational thought says that I have to. We have become so distant, that I see him as a bad person, very immature, passive aggressive, very disconnected. I wish he would move towards working in this marriage, instead of leaving everything up to me.
I know these feelings come from satan, but everything my husband does annoys me… I can’t stand the way he does anything at all. It is almost like I did the worst mistake of my life by marring him. The only reason I have stayed so far is the fact that even though my feelings tell me otherwise, I know God hates divorce, and I am aware that through Him we can all things… but how to even start???
I don’t feel needed by my husband… it is almost like the only reason he is with me is to have sex, and that is not even happening because I just can’t get close to him anymore in an intimate way. He doesn’t share anything with me, he doesn’t listen to what I feel about things, he is always plugged into the TV or computer, and he always want to have people around, tons of friends, which makes us even further apart. He is Christian as well, so I wish he would see these problems and come approach me… It seems that I am the only who always approach him, suggests things to change, and nothing lasts…
I am sorry about venting all this here. Cindy, I want you to know that your reply to me means so much. I feel that at least someone cares, which is hard to find in this world. And most of all, that God cares, even though I know how far I have become from him. I am so thankful for you to remind me that God is the only true Love, and he is the only one who can complete and fulfill our needs.
I will definitely read more articles on the site. This is an amazing site by the way. Thank you again for the caring, for the prayers, and for the wise words. That was what I needed to keep me seeking the Lord, and knowing that He is always there, we just need to look for Him. God bless you Cindy!
(USA) Meire- you are SOOOOO correct that Satan is doing all this to destroy your marriage. This is what I feel deep in my heart with my situation as well. I keep this at the forefront of my mind in every day I encounter. I tell my husband this every day when he is struggling about our relationship. I made a vow to my husband when we got married and it is FOR BETTER and FOR WORSE. This is the WORSE time and it takes FAITH and PRAYER to get through it. Satan wants you to “give in” and he will be very proud in his accomplishment if you do… remember that. He KNOWS it is hard and the temptation seems more than you can bear some days.
Believe me, I understand. I think everyone who has posted on here feels this. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to save your marriage… counseling, tell friends to help keep you accountable, pray every time you think of him… you can do this.
We all struggle every day, but we have to look to the Lord to help us through this. I think of the footprints in the sand poem and I have been being carried by the Lord since April to get through this. I know with His help and my husband’s love and support… it will happen.
(CANADA) Hi Rebecca: We have been on holidays so I’ve not checked this website during the past couple of weeks. I too feel like this man is in love with me. The emotions are incredibly strong and I fight them so hard! I saw him three times this week and had some short conversations. Of course the chemistry was all there. He took my son out with his son again – they are friends but I’m sure a lot of it is just to see me. I don’t believe he takes any of his son’s other friends out golfing so much. We have also seen each other through our son’s lacrosse. I’m not going to go this coming week so I don’t have to see him. The whole thing is intoxicating but also painful and there are hurt feelings which surface on both sides I know.
I hope you can resolve your feelings for Mr. DA. It will last for a long time, even if you don’t see him. My problem is I am going to have regular contact for a long time to come. How can I become emotionally indifferent? It is such a difficult struggle. I really want to focus on my marriage, kids and faith but this emotional affair just won’t seem to let me. I need to get on with living my life normally like I used to but I cannot. When you have time, I’d appreciate if you could comment Rebecca. Thanks a lot and I shall continue to pray and think about your situation.
(USA) First, Cindy, I was so blessed by reading your response to Meire. It seemed that God quickened to me the verse you quoted, “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down” (Proverbs 14:1). Wow, I’ve been living on that verse ever since I read it in what you wrote. I’m working very hard at building up my house. Although I still struggle with feelings and thoughts, it seems that God has really helped me over recent weeks, to lift my gaze upward and get my eyes back on the Prize.
He has been dealing with me about sacrifice and enduring hard things in order to gain heaven. If we think about it, the old timers from New Testiment times on up until recent history, believed in giving up all worldly pleasure in order to please God, and many faced persecution, imprisonment, and even death because they refused to back down. Nowadays, we feel we must be carried to the skies on flowery beds of ease. We feel entitled to pleasure and things that make us feel good. The ME philosophy affects our Christian walk, and if something feels good, we feel we have a right to it. On the opposite side of things, if something feels bad (like difficulties with a spouse), we feel that we don’t have to put up with it.
Little by little my thinking is changing. I have relapses, but God has blessed me richly with more distance between myself and this man, and with a change in my husband that I hope will last!
Elaine, and all of you who post here, remember that getting to heaven is not easy. Last week I listened to an Adventures in Odyssey radio drama of Pilgrim’s Progress. If you are familiar with this old book or any modernized version, you will remember the many dangers that Pilgrim went through to arrive at the Celestial City. Sometimes he got off the path and fell into the traps of the enemy, just like you and I have done, but with Bible reading and prayer and faith he was brought out and found victory over and over again. May we each one find our way back to the straight and narrow. May we learn to endure hardships in order to gain eternal life. May we someday look back on this time in our lives and give glory to God for all we have learned through this experience and for helping us to escape!
(INDIA) Emotional abuse frequently comes in the type of a massive enclose. It consists of a range of behaviors intended at beating the feeling and the heart of the sufferer so as to achieve effectual control over partner. The diverse features of emotional abuse are loneliness, verbal abuse and financial abuse. Several times the abuser attempts to publicly isolate the partner so as to make him/her reliant on himself/herself for his/her essential societal requirements and aspirations. Find more information about the emotional abuse side effects on this site. http://www.marriage-counselors.net/couples-problems/Emotional-Abuse-in-Marriage-Relationship.htm
(CANADA) Ever since my last post, I have experience the power of God, and how much strength and encouragement He can give us and we ask for it. First, I made a decision to “flee” from my E. A., as Cindy suggested. Even though it was hard, I now can barely remember what it was like to have feelings for the other man. I feel a sense of freedom of going through my days without any thoughts or feelings keeping me with that sense of imprisonment and distraction from the things that I should be truly focused on, such as you family!
Thanks Heather for writing and giving me strength through your words, that we marry for the better and FOR THE WORSE… I took that to heart… Once I felt free from the E. A. (and for those who feel that the feelings won’t go away, trust me, they eventually fade if you stop feeding them and realize that it is more of a fantasy of the mind, then anything else), my marriage was still at an awful stage. I did a lot of talking to my husband, but it seemed to me that the more I said, the worse he got. I even suggested doing a series for couples to try strengthen our marriage. My husband agreed, but he was upsetting me so much, that I didn’t even feel like starting it.
One day, I had decided that it was enough, I was definitely done with my marriage. So I prayed to God that night, and I said to Him that I had no more forces to stay. I also said that I didn’t believe that the my marriage was His will in the first place, it was a mistake we both made, and we were paying the price. At the end of the prayer, I said to God: “God, if it is your will that I stay in this marriage, give me a sign. I ask you Lord that my husband will take the initiative for us to start the series, and will approach me in order to do so”. I ended the prayer and decided to watch some TV, since he was playing video games (which he usually plays for hours every night) … I then totally forgot about the prayer while watching TV. Half an hour later, my husband comes to the bedroom holding the video series in his hands, and asks me if I WANTED TO START IT THE NEXT DAY!!! When that happened, I couldn’t believe!! I smiled and even started to laugh and said “yes, of course”! Then he left the room.
Once he left, I was in tears! I didn’t expect God to give me an answer so quickly! Right in that moment I felt the peace of God. I didn’t feel alone any more. I know He heard my prayer, had given me the confirmation I needed to stay marriage and work on my marriage!! I also felt peace knowing that He is in control!! and God cares!! This is the conformation I needed and because God is sooo good, He gave it to me! I am so happy!! I wasn’t expecting that to come that fast, even at all! It was the first time after a long time that I knew God was clearly talking to me!!
Things have been getting so much better in my home! We have started the series, and we are working towards having the relationship we never had. Things didn’t change automatically, but I changed my attitude. I now have placed all my worries into God’s hands. I no longer worry that my marriage will be how it had been forever, but there is a reason it is the way it is now, and one of the reasons is that God is pruning us, making us better people, and increasing my faith in Him!
I am so thankful for everything, I felt the need to share my testimony here!! For the first time in a long time I feel the peace and joy that only comes from our LORD! Thank you all also for caring and all the thoughtful words. It was the key start that I needed, the support I needed to even start the change! This is an amazing website, and I hope I can also be an encouragement for other women that are in similar situations, and may be feeling hopeless now. I was there once, but if you trust the Lord, and have good support, that is definitely not a place you will stay forever.
(USA) I’m dealing with the exact same thing so many of you all are dealing with, but how can I stay away when the one-sided Emotional Affair is with my Pastor?
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) Hi, my husband has been involved in an emotional affair for 2 months now. His affair has totally affected the whole family. He has now asked me for a divorce. He said I have totally sucked the life out of him and this new person is a breath of fresh air compaired to me. We have been together 20 yrs. My husband has a history of this type of stuff with other women, but this is the first one that has gone this far.
We have gone to counseling and we were on the right tract trying to get our marriage back in order when the other woman contacted him thru the internet. The other woman is someone he used to date 30 yrs ago. My husband is 51. The woman is divorced and she had a boyfriend of 12 years that has left her. She contacted my husband and apologized for dumping him 30 years ago and going back to her husband. The emails she sent my husband were very clear in what she was wanting. She asked him to call her behind my back; she would remind him of the times they used to spend together. Then she gave him her phone number and told him to call her because somehow she couldnt just see them as being friends. This woman clearly wanted to break up our marriage even thoe she knew we still have kids at home.
I have tried to talk to my husband about all this told him that this woman does not love him and does not respect him, that this affair will not last, and he will end up losing everything he worked so hard for including his family. Our kids are upset, we have 2 grown kids still at home and then our youngest one is 15 and he is the one most affected by it.
My husband and her are in constant contact all thru the day. They text one minute after the other to each other, and this usally starts right after I leave for work. The txting is crazy because it is just that one minute after the other. This goes on day after day. Then he will call her in between. I dont know how he gets any work done. He is also having phone sex with her and is sending pics of himself to her and she is probably doing the same.
I no longer sleep in the same room with him. He is so wrapped up around her, that he won’t listen to anybody and specificly not me. He is so caught up with her that he talks and texts her in front of my youngest kid. He has even tried to convince my youngest son that he might like her and that she is a lot of fun. He calls and texts her at our friends houses.
Its been hard on me because I see this for what it really is. She is a very controlling and manipulating woman. He is seeing the constant texting as a way of her showing love for him. But I see it as a controlling measure to insure he doesn’t talk to anyone else, and he doesn’t. She is looking for a meal ticket, and doesn’t care how she gets it.
I am now at a loss as to what to do. My husband knows this is wrong but the attraction and attention he is getting from her is very strong and addicting. I don’t think he will give her up. He’s in love with her, and I’m trash. What do you think? I don’t think he will go back to counseling.
(US) I am in this situation, trying to figure out what to do. I have been married for 12 years to a man 16 years older than me. Recently, I got in touch with an old boyfriend, one that I hadn’t seen or heard from in 13 years. I was with him for a year. Our relationship was great. Because I was young and immature, I ended it. I have regreted it for 13 years. I always wondered what happened to him. I always carried these feelings for him. They never went away.
So you can imagine the excitement I felt when we got in touch again. We would text each other and talk for hours. There was a level of flirtation, but because we are both married we tried to keep it at a minimum. Well, I have been struggling with this for a few months. I am a Christian woman, and I know it’s wrong. But somehow I can’t bear losing him again. I have cut off contact with him. But that longing hasn’t gone away. I think about him constantly.
I don’t want to pursue this relationship any longer. I love my husband and my children. I don’t want to lose them. How do I get through this? Do I tell my husband? How do I find forgiveness and peace? I love the Lord Jesus with all my heart. I am struggling with comdemnation… I just want to get through this… please help.
(CANADA) Hi Marie: I have been involved in an emotional affair for almost two years. I feel very torn between my husband and the other man. The chemistry is so strong between us and he still has not made the “big” move but I think it will come eventually. I’ve written here several times during the past year or so. I have regular contact because of our childrens’ friendship and sports.
As for your situation, I think the only thing you can do is break contact if you feel that your marriage is important to you. This is very difficult – I’ve tried a couple of times and have failed. The emotional affair is like an addiction and it’s so difficult to stop it. I think in the long run it would be devastating to lose your husband, children and life as you know it. These strong feelings of affection may not be lasting. As Christians we know this is morally wrong and that it goes against what the Bible teaches us. Pray about it and I’ll pray for you. You have to really want to end it. I sympathize – it’s not an easy road. Elaine
(CANADA) Hi Rebecca: I am posting here for the second time in a couple of days. I wanted to know how you are doing. Have you been in contact with Mr. DA? I would imagine the feelings of affection for him have continued. I also wanted to know how it’s going with your husband and if he is treating you well.
My emotional affair has been very difficult with Paul. We have had lots of contact as we are on the same soccer team this year and our sons’ friendship has continued. My feelings of affection have only grown stronger – I have been very careful how I behave, relate to him and even how I place my body when he stands near me. Sometimes his wife is there and she really dislikes me. My friend Lynda has noticed his feelings/behavior towards me as her son plays soccer too. It is a difficult situation, I’ve prayed about it and cannot break free. I’d like to hear from you. Elaine
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear Elaine, I have read your posts and my heart goes out to you. However, without sounding judgemental; from what I have read in your posts, to me you do not sound like you really want to stop this affair… Do you? The reason I say this is because you have been in this affair for two years now and you have not made any effort to stop seeing him. Can you honestly say that you do not enjoy your son’s friendship with his son? Do you go to your son’s matches to take a glimpse of him?
I believe you can be creative and try to avoid him even though you live in a small town and even though your sons are friends. You can go with your husband to your son’s matches for one; you can sit/stand far from this man, avoid eye contact, let your husband take your son to the golf trips and not take him yourself so that you can avoid the “firecrackers” and “sparks”. Also you can make sure you talk about your husband –especially when he is around, only talk about his good characteristics and about how much you just adore him to make this other man loose interest in you.
If you want to be drastic to save you marriage, which by the way, is the most important relationship you have in the world, you can even move to another town or even to another state. Please do anything you can do to save your family and this man’s family from grief and agony.
Please remove your husband and this man’s wife from this misery that they do not deserve. I know that it is difficult for you to stop and you might even be enjoying this man’s attention as I suspect, but trust me, your poor husband and this man’s wife are not having fun at all. Please, please, please leave this situation before it destroys innocent lives.
(CANADA) Hi TS: I really do appreciate your comments and the fact that you took the time to read my posts. I’ve not gone into much detail about the interventions that I have tried. My husband is there at all the games – he is also friends with the other man. I have three moms that I converse with and stand with. He always finds a way to stand near me. I NEVER approach him.
I have tried avoidance, not making eye contact, and keeping any necessary conversations brief. I do not linger when I see him at events and have stood or sat close to my husband on several occasions – even putting my arm around him. That has not worked. The other man is still interested. I do not make the playdates – he does. Thanks for you comments. I have talked to my girlfriends about this. Elaine