“How can I get unhooked from an emotional affair?” There is not easy way, and it will involve a process of time. In that process, several practices are important. First of all, separation is important. The emphasis here is on abstinence and sobriety. You don’t indulge yourself with the other person’s presence. You must stop exposing yourself to this shared life experience. The contact is what keeps these feelings alive; you need to stop feeding the compulsion.
I hasten to add that you just can’t bury these feelings. Therefore, the next step is identification. What is the “something” this person touches inside you? What unmet need does he tap into? Sometimes the infidel can process this with a spouse or a same-sex friend, but other times that will need to be done with an experienced counselor who is committed to restoring the marriage.
My experience is that the longings that underlie infidelity go back to childhood; the infidel brings them with him or her into the marriage. They often were touched upon or satisfied in the initial phases of the relationship with the spouse, but over time have been buried by the crush of life’s responsibilities.
The next process is exposure. Don’t allow these longings and feelings to remain a secret. The longer an infidel allows these feelings to continue as a secret, the more he or she will idealize the person the feelings are attached to. Idealization means this partner becomes perfect, and as a result, no one else (e.g., the spouse) can measure up. The partner is beginning to be seen as “all good,” and therefore the infidel will have to see the marriage as “all bad.”
As mentioned earlier, if you encapsulate these feelings at this point, they will only lie dormant to be triggered again later. I usually encourage the infidel to share his feelings with his spouse, after seeking counsel. After all, the spouse has been involved in this story already (in that all affairs are a triangle, even if the spouse is unaware) and might as well know the secrets that are occurring in his/her marriage.
The next concept here is to journal. Write down the feelings you are experiencing in this rather involved and tortuous journey. Feelings don’t have to control an individual, but their influence is strongest when they are held in secret. The longings that have led to this emotional affair are a part of the childhood magic; journaling them gets them out into the open, into the adult realm.
The next step is displacement. Use this process in tandem with some of the other processes. Here you do something else in lieu of focusing on the partner. You can exercise, get involved in spiritual development, or take on different projects or hobbies. This is the “doing” part of healing.
The final idea is to grieve. Though this is extremely difficult for the spouse to observe, it is important and necessary. Many times this needs to start with a “good-bye” letter (written to the adulterous partner). Most infidels find this very painful to do. It seems so unnecessary initially, because (seemingly “nothing evil has happened,” since they didn’t have sex. Only after thorough processing, and the passage of time, will the infidel be able to look back and see how befuddled his/her thinking really was.
This is also a good time for the infidel to review his/her “loss history,” and this leads naturally to grieving. What other significant caregivers, friends, loved ones, or pets has the infidel lost that parallel the lost feelings in giving up the affair? The infidel will probably want to do this in private and only later will be able to share the depth of the experience with his spouse.
(A caution here: The depression is not about what you feel for the partner, but just what you are feeling, period. Keep the partner out of the equation-it will make it easier for your souse to listen to your feelings, and easier for you to connect with the feelings in your heart that need processing.)
The Healing Process
Neither your partner nor your spouse can release you from the emotional hook you’ve experienced. Many spouses caught in this kind of emotional affair have found portions of The Serenity Prayer helpful:
“Lord, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Be careful of changing the components around. Don’t try to change the things you cannot change-that will only lead to frustration and anger. On the other hand, don’t accept the things you should be changing—that will only lead to feelings of victimization, a sense of “What’s the use? I can’t lick this, so I might as well give in.”
Time, the healing process, always requires a backward look. Encouragement is not usually the result if you look to where you need to be, feel like you ought to be, or even want to be. You will see the feelings diminish as you look backward to where you were three, six or nine months ago.
Rebuild and concentrate on the lost relationships that contributed to the vacuum that the emotional affair filled. That could require quite a search on your part, some intense conversations (even confrontations) with people in your life, a lot of focused reading, and even some trips/visits to significant places in your childhood.
Enjoy the process and reschedule the experiences that made your marriage good in the first place. Here I encourage couples to each identify the “eight greats” of their marital experience. Independently, each spouse should identify the eight great experiences, or highlights, of their marital history, then decide together on five that they’d like to repeat. You see, shared history is a critical component of intimacy. Rare is the spouse who won’t join “the almost infidel” in this endeavor and experience recovery from close call. Why, most of us had close calls ourselves.
Some Cautions for the Infidel
Temptations do not an identity make. Some people struggle with the same temptation for years. For instance, just because someone wants to smoke again because he’s tempted doesn’t mean he’s a smoker. Don’t let the temptation to return to the partner shame you into feeling “What’s the use? I might as well give in. I’ll never be free of these feelings.”
Second, remember that in periods of high stress, difficult emotions, transition, and marital dullness, you will feel an increased desire to return to the partner or to renew thoughts of him/her. At times, infidels report that they have yearnings to think about this person just to see if the feelings are still “available” as in the days gone by. This “testing” is common to obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and the intent is to prove to oneself how far one has come in the recovery process.
Be careful—this process can begin to mimic the destabilization process of a Class 2 affair described in chapter 6. As mentioned there, such practices only intensify, rather than lessen, the attraction—and the hook goes much deeper.
Some Encouragement for the Spouse
First, remember that these longings were present in your spouse before you entered his or her life. You didn’t create them, and you probably can’t fully satisfy them.
Second, you did tap into those longings early in your relationship in some fashion. The longings were present in the initial feelings of what love is all about. For whatever reason, the infidel settled for the initial feelings of what love is all about and superficial satisfaction of those longings, versus deepening and maturing them. This is not your fault. Many times it is the result of a combination of circumstances: work, school, family, and so on. But the exciting thing is now you both can go deeper in your love for each other.
Last, both of you will eventually forget the partner. The memories of this experience will fade in the same way that a widow or widower forgets abut the loss of a god first marriage if the second marriage is a pleasant experience.
It is possible to rebuild after an emotional affair has been discovered. Work through these steps and you will make progress. This is the kind of stuff emotional intimacy is built on, and that is the key to any good marriage.
The above article comes from the excellent book, TORN ASUNDER - Recovery from Extramarital Affairs -By Dave Carder. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.” We highly recommend getting this book!
There are a couple of parts that especially stand out and set it apart from other resources. One in particular which is EXCELLENT is titled: “When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want You Back: The 90-Day Experiment.” We wish we could have put this portion of the book on our web site but it’s too long to be able to honor the author’s copyright privilege and it really can’t be shortened to do it justice. You really need to get the book to have this as well as the other helpful information.
(If you’re dealing with this problem and you can’t get this book in your country then please contact the publisher at the above web site and see if there’s something that can be arranged.)
They also have a section in it which includes a questionnaire that addresses: “Are You at Risk for an Affair?” It’s an excellent tool to identify personal growth areas for you and your spouse to discuss and develop and is designed to help evaluate personal history and lifestyle which parallels with those who have been involved in adultery. We were surprised by some of the questions and what can set people up to have an affair. It might help you too. This book is filled with many other great insights also!
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(USA) Cindy, thanks so, so much for your comforting and encouraging words. What a confirmation–on various occasions, God has given me the same scripture from Isaiah that you quoted! I especially like the part where it say that He will increase the power of the weak. In Spanish it says that He will give strength to those that have none at all!
I have a question. I know that ultimately I have to do what God tells me on this issue, but I was wondering what your recommendation would be. I am a choir member at my church. I don’t know how other churches function, but our choir director tells us that if we have hidden sin in our lives we should not be on the platform until it is repented of and resolved. She says that if even one choir member is harboring sin, that God will not be able to bless our service to Him. I am not sure if I should excuse myself from choir right now–it is a source of diversion and distraction from this mental mess I’m, and I sing to worship God for His unbelievable love for me and His faithfulness, even when I do not deserve it. Any thoughts would be welcome.
For those like me who are trying to overcome an affair, whether emotional or sexual, I want to post something that our pastor said on Sunday, "There is nothing that we must give up in order to follow God that we will not have to give up anyway to go to Hell."
(USA) Hi Rebecca, You’re right in saying that you have to do what God tells you on this issue. And I trust that God will give you the wisdom you need as you look for help to discern truth. As I look to your question, from what I see, you aren’t hiding your sin. You’ve confessed it to God, you’ve repented, and are working with Him to turn completely from it in every way, shape, and form. It’s not a “harboring” situation when you’ve brought it out into the light and are dealing with it as God has shown you (and is showing you day by day). You’ve even confessed it on the web site, asking for help and prayer from God’s children.
Unless God tells you that you need to do more, I would think that you are putting all your energies in the right direction. It’s true that your journey is not over (you still have some rough days ahead and decisions to make as you put forth the effort to steer clear of the temptations that will be put before you), but you are headed in the right direction. As long as you stay on this path, you will do fine. All I can say is that I would count it a privilege to sit next to you in the choir. You have a lot to sing about concerning God’s grace and love and work in your life.
(USA) Cindy and anyone else who may read this, I really need prayer right now. I have been really strong in my resolve and have managed to avoid seeing this DA at all except for one time this week that I saw him from my office window as he was crossing the street. I did not let my eyes linger. I went and sat down quickly at my desk where I could not see out the window. But last night I got such an overwhelming longing to see him–just to look at him. Please pray that I will get through this. I have had such a measure of peace since our communication last week. I don’t want to go back into that guilt. Pray that my desire for peace with God and with my own conscience will be win the war against the desire to see him. Thanks
(USA) Rebecca, I so understand the temptation…it consumes you. I am trying to end an affair and it is so difficult. You had a victory when you quickly returned to your desk. You have the strength within you to resist this man. For every time that you don’t give in, you are stronger.
If you ever do "give in", remember forgiveness is yours from Jesus for the asking. I do pray that peace will return to you. Please keep us posted. Marie
(USA) Rebecca, I will pray for you this very night. I have been on this site for the last week under much conviction and sorrow for my own emotional affair for the last 7 months. I say it is emotional but it did turn somewhat physical a month ago. We have not made love yet but will unless I end this now. Please pray that I will have the strength and courage from God to get out. To back this whole thing up, I knew this man 25 years ago before I ever had kids and we did have a full blown affair at that time. Jobs took us to different cities so the affair died. At that time I was not upset and seemed to forget him quickly. About a year ago we ran into each other and the chemistry was right back in my face.
Now for 25 years I have not cheated on my husband in any way. I do have an incredible husband. Why these certain people in life seem to be addictive I’ll never know. I too am a Christian and have not even wanted to go to church since all this started. I’ve had to go just to keep up appearances. The good thing is the man does not live in my town but does come to town on business once a month. Between trips we hardly talk so the no contact is already going on between last trip and next trip which will make it easier to say NO when he rolls in again. I am praying and reading my Bible double duty and have asked God’s forgiveness so I can withstand the fiery darts I know I’ll encounter in a few weeks. I have felt so much sadness and emptiness. I believe the Lord does that to make his children miserable and draw them back to himself.
(USA) Leah, I found your post this morning and prayed for you; thanks for your prayers–I need all I can get! I just feel constrained to tell you–Don’t stop going to church, no matter how uncomfortable you feel there. There have been church services over the last 8 months where I could hardly stand the light. I felt like I was in the hot, blinding beam of a spot light, but it was that light that has helped me make the progress I have made. See Psalms 36:9. If we hide back in the shadows, we might not feel the conviction God is trying to give us.
Keep doing double duty on the Bible reading. Somehow, when God convicts me from His Word, I can handle that better than condemnation from others, or even my own self-inflicted condemnation. The struggle is still there–I’m grappling with the fact that I will never "get over" this man. I saw him from a block away this morning, and my first thought was, "Wow, he is so gorgeous, even the way he walks!" Sounds immature, I know, but the chemistry is so strong that I believe if I were to go 5 yrs w/o any contact, and then run into him again, the same magnetic pull would be there, so I have to make a long term commitment to keep disentangled.
I’ve never had an experience quite like this before, so I’m trying to learn what I need to avoid pitfalls in the future. It’s scary and I feel unsure of myself, but God is with me and He is my Saviour. I have found that I am nothing more than a sinner in need of a Saviour. Isaiah 57:15 and Isaiah 66:2 explains to me why God has not abandoned me through this terrible time. God bless you all.
(USA) I don’t know if anyone even visits this thread anymore. No posts since Aug. 1. I wish it had not died, because it helped so much and was more fitting to my situation that other threads on this site. Although I continue to visit and have posted on the "Total Separation" thread, my case is very different than most of those who post there. I’m not saying that I’m any better, it’s just that my affair never went as far as theirs. Thanks to a strong belief system, a vibrant relationship with God, and a conscience that has always worked overtime since childhood, my affair never got to the point of even being verbalized.
So how do you break up an affair that never started? How do you stop doing something you never did? Was it all in my imagination to begin with? I struggle a lot with these questions and more. I have not had any contact with him since June 10th. You would think that 3 months would be enough to undo an affair that never existed. But I still struggle with times and days when I cannot seem to get him off my mind. It’s not like I try to think about him. Sometime I go 2-3 days with scarcely a thought, but then he comes back, if not in the center of my consciousness, floating at the peripheral edge of my mind.
Although we work in the same building, with pro-activity on my part, I can often avoid seeing him altogether for up to 2 weeks at a time, and when I do have to go into his courtroom, it is for a brief period of 5-10 minutes and there is no opportunity for conversation or even a greeting for the most part. Still I struggle with the concept of being rude — I have refused to even look at him since June 10th. I feel like I am making a big deal out of something that perhaps never was anything, that by refusing to acknowledge his presence is causing him to notice more–like going up and saying "It’s over. I’m no longer interested," when nothing was ever started and no interest was ever expressed.
Yesterday a.m., I had to go to his courtroom, and the situation was such that the ignoring of him was evolving into an awkward and tense moment, so I simply looked at him for a brief second and smiled. His dejected expression faded, he feigned indifference for a fleeting second, then winked at me. My P.M. trip to his courtroom resulted in another wink with more eagerness, more energy on his part, and I felt the chemistry.
Don’t worry, my mind is made up. I have made a firm decision to love God and my husband. I know what kind of person I want to be and where I want my life to end up. But I don’t know what I should feel guilty for, if I need to ask God to forgive me, if I did anything wrong. I don’t know if simple politeness is wrong in my circumstances. It’s all so confusing. I have been asking God to promote him to District Court (another building), or to show me if I should consider quitting my job, but I have not been led in that direction. Oh well, I just had to blow off, even if nobody reads this thread anymore.
(USA) Hey Rebecca, I hope you will come back here again. I need your support also. I have been sooooooo busy that I hardly have time to get on here. Well, since I last posted on July 31, I have met my AP 2 more times once in Aug. and once in Sept. The affair is physical but no love making.
I will say the last time we met was not good. I looked at him and realized that he was a selfish and impatient person. It was so surreal. The Lord just showed me his true colors which will make it easier now to close that door. Just ask Him to do the same for you. Whatever it takes to turn you off. The Lord is faithful to help us out of harms way. I am so "at peace" now. I know I’ll still have temptations toward this man but I know the Lord will help me. Please let me hear from you Rebecca.
(USA) Leah, so good to have an update from you! God is good! He is not willing to loose us and it sounds like He is answering prayer for you.
My heart is heavy this morning. Earlier this week, I told my husband about this man and how he hugged me back in June. I did not do it in form of a confession, but rather as part of a conversation that he started about men who have affairs and temptations they face. Of course, I emphasized how I have pretty much been able to avoid this man since June, and I asked for advice and for insight into how a man thinks.
He was very lucid and understanding that night (this doesn’t happen often–usually all efforts at actual communication are not only futile but damaging) and even told me how he believes I should handle the situation. I felt so much better, so liberated, after talking to him about it. I had wanted to for a long time, but at the same time was afraid to, because he is disabled with a back injury, takes high-powered prescription drugs, and suffers from depression.
In my opinion, although confession is good, cruelty is wrong and the cruelty of putting him through this suffering and perhaps even sending him into suicidal mode, outweighed any good that could be done by telling him. But I felt good about the way it turned out–I felt I was granted tact– and just as I figured, he did not feel that I had done anything wrong since I had not initiated any contact with Mr. DA, and of course had not made love to him.
I hoped that with telling him that I had gone through this temptation, that he would start giving me a little more attention. I have been running on an "attention deficit" for about 3 years now. My body literally aches to be touched, to be held, in the way he used to do for the first 12 years of our marriage. He has progressively become more and more physically and emotionally silent toward me, and I have so much pain and hurt and rejection that I am dealing with.
So last night, I got brave and asked him if he is bored with me and how I can be a better wife. As usual, the conversation, deteriorated into him twisting my words, believing I said something I didn’t, telling me that what I was saying made no sense, that I had chosen the wrong week to be saying these things, I would be better without him, that my biggest mistake was marrying him, and finally that the medication has changed him–that he even misses his old self! I could see that what we talked about the other day was eating at his mind and now I wish I had never talked to him about anything. I guess I’m just selfish, thinking of my own needs and hurts when he is suffering so much. Just pray for us. I hope we can recover from my stupidity.
(INDIA) Hi, I am a married man for the past 6 years. We had a love marriage as we were college sweethearts. About 3 years back me and my wife had a bad year where we were separated due to our ego problems. Later the same year we patched up thru common friends.
The next year I found my wife was having an emotional affair with a Muslim guy who was her old friend. They sms, emails and talked over the phone, and since then my life has been a turmoil. When finally I confronted my wife with this she broke down and told me the truth that she was having an emotional affair, and she is trying to end it. Now it’s been a year since she is working abroad in NY, and we chat and call each other a lot. But the problem is now she seems to be telling me that she feels the urge to be with him is more, although they seldom talk or chat. She always defends his actions by saying it was also her fault, and I am sometimes able to talk to her as a friend but sometimes I am unable to react to her like that.
We have a 4 year old daughter at present with me. I will be joining my wife soon, but I don’t know how to approach this problem. Once we start living together, I want my wife to feel secure and happy with me and love me to the core. Being a guy who cares for my wife and not wanting to give her up, would love to fill the emotional gap I have. I just need some guidance and my wife also wants to be out of this pathetic mess! GODSPEED!!!