“How can I get unhooked from an emotional affair?” There is not easy way, and it will involve a process of time. In that process, several practices are important. First of all, separation is important. The emphasis here is on abstinence and sobriety. You don’t indulge yourself with the other person’s presence. You must stop exposing yourself to this shared life experience. The contact is what keeps these feelings alive; you need to stop feeding the compulsion.
I hasten to add that you just can’t bury these feelings. Therefore, the next step is identification. What is the “something” this person touches inside you? What unmet need does he tap into? Sometimes the infidel can process this with a spouse or a same-sex friend, but other times that will need to be done with an experienced counselor who is committed to restoring the marriage.
My experience is that the longings that underlie infidelity go back to childhood; the infidel brings them with him or her into the marriage. They often were touched upon or satisfied in the initial phases of the relationship with the spouse, but over time have been buried by the crush of life’s responsibilities.
The next process is exposure. Don’t allow these longings and feelings to remain a secret. The longer an infidel allows these feelings to continue as a secret, the more he or she will idealize the person the feelings are attached to. Idealization means this partner becomes perfect, and as a result, no one else (e.g., the spouse) can measure up. The partner is beginning to be seen as “all good,” and therefore the infidel will have to see the marriage as “all bad.”
As mentioned earlier, if you encapsulate these feelings at this point, they will only lie dormant to be triggered again later. I usually encourage the infidel to share his feelings with his spouse, after seeking counsel. After all, the spouse has been involved in this story already (in that all affairs are a triangle, even if the spouse is unaware) and might as well know the secrets that are occurring in his/her marriage.
The next concept here is to journal. Write down the feelings you are experiencing in this rather involved and tortuous journey. Feelings don’t have to control an individual, but their influence is strongest when they are held in secret. The longings that have led to this emotional affair are a part of the childhood magic; journaling them gets them out into the open, into the adult realm.
The next step is displacement. Use this process in tandem with some of the other processes. Here you do something else in lieu of focusing on the partner. You can exercise, get involved in spiritual development, or take on different projects or hobbies. This is the “doing” part of healing.
The final idea is to grieve. Though this is extremely difficult for the spouse to observe, it is important and necessary. Many times this needs to start with a “good-bye” letter (written to the adulterous partner). Most infidels find this very painful to do. It seems so unnecessary initially, because (seemingly “nothing evil has happened,” since they didn’t have sex. Only after thorough processing, and the passage of time, will the infidel be able to look back and see how befuddled his/her thinking really was.
This is also a good time for the infidel to review his/her “loss history,” and this leads naturally to grieving. What other significant caregivers, friends, loved ones, or pets has the infidel lost that parallel the lost feelings in giving up the affair? The infidel will probably want to do this in private and only later will be able to share the depth of the experience with his spouse.
(A caution here: The depression is not about what you feel for the partner, but just what you are feeling, period. Keep the partner out of the equation-it will make it easier for your souse to listen to your feelings, and easier for you to connect with the feelings in your heart that need processing.)
The Healing Process
Neither your partner nor your spouse can release you from the emotional hook you’ve experienced. Many spouses caught in this kind of emotional affair have found portions of The Serenity Prayer helpful:
“Lord, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Be careful of changing the components around. Don’t try to change the things you cannot change-that will only lead to frustration and anger. On the other hand, don’t accept the things you should be changing—that will only lead to feelings of victimization, a sense of “What’s the use? I can’t lick this, so I might as well give in.”
Time, the healing process, always requires a backward look. Encouragement is not usually the result if you look to where you need to be, feel like you ought to be, or even want to be. You will see the feelings diminish as you look backward to where you were three, six or nine months ago.
Rebuild and concentrate on the lost relationships that contributed to the vacuum that the emotional affair filled. That could require quite a search on your part, some intense conversations (even confrontations) with people in your life, a lot of focused reading, and even some trips/visits to significant places in your childhood.
Enjoy the process and reschedule the experiences that made your marriage good in the first place. Here I encourage couples to each identify the “eight greats” of their marital experience. Independently, each spouse should identify the eight great experiences, or highlights, of their marital history, then decide together on five that they’d like to repeat. You see, shared history is a critical component of intimacy. Rare is the spouse who won’t join “the almost infidel” in this endeavor and experience recovery from close call. Why, most of us had close calls ourselves.
Some Cautions for the Infidel
Temptations do not an identity make. Some people struggle with the same temptation for years. For instance, just because someone wants to smoke again because he’s tempted doesn’t mean he’s a smoker. Don’t let the temptation to return to the partner shame you into feeling “What’s the use? I might as well give in. I’ll never be free of these feelings.”
Second, remember that in periods of high stress, difficult emotions, transition, and marital dullness, you will feel an increased desire to return to the partner or to renew thoughts of him/her. At times, infidels report that they have yearnings to think about this person just to see if the feelings are still “available” as in the days gone by. This “testing” is common to obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and the intent is to prove to oneself how far one has come in the recovery process.
Be careful—this process can begin to mimic the destabilization process of a Class 2 affair described in chapter 6. As mentioned there, such practices only intensify, rather than lessen, the attraction—and the hook goes much deeper.
Some Encouragement for the Spouse
First, remember that these longings were present in your spouse before you entered his or her life. You didn’t create them, and you probably can’t fully satisfy them.
Second, you did tap into those longings early in your relationship in some fashion. The longings were present in the initial feelings of what love is all about. For whatever reason, the infidel settled for the initial feelings of what love is all about and superficial satisfaction of those longings, versus deepening and maturing them. This is not your fault. Many times it is the result of a combination of circumstances: work, school, family, and so on. But the exciting thing is now you both can go deeper in your love for each other.
Last, both of you will eventually forget the partner. The memories of this experience will fade in the same way that a widow or widower forgets abut the loss of a god first marriage if the second marriage is a pleasant experience.
It is possible to rebuild after an emotional affair has been discovered. Work through these steps and you will make progress. This is the kind of stuff emotional intimacy is built on, and that is the key to any good marriage.
The above article comes from the excellent book, TORN ASUNDER - Recovery from Extramarital Affairs -By Dave Carder. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.” We highly recommend getting this book!
There are a couple of parts that especially stand out and set it apart from other resources. One in particular which is EXCELLENT is titled: “When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want You Back: The 90-Day Experiment.” We wish we could have put this portion of the book on our web site but it’s too long to be able to honor the author’s copyright privilege and it really can’t be shortened to do it justice. You really need to get the book to have this as well as the other helpful information.
(If you’re dealing with this problem and you can’t get this book in your country then please contact the publisher at the above web site and see if there’s something that can be arranged.)
They also have a section in it which includes a questionnaire that addresses: “Are You at Risk for an Affair?” It’s an excellent tool to identify personal growth areas for you and your spouse to discuss and develop and is designed to help evaluate personal history and lifestyle which parallels with those who have been involved in adultery. We were surprised by some of the questions and what can set people up to have an affair. It might help you too. This book is filled with many other great insights also!
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(USA) Hi, Just this past weekend I did some reading on this website. My Husband divorced me 2 1/2 years ago. For at least the last 4 years, he has had and continues to have an obsessive emotional attachment to a co-worker who is 20 years younger than him. There has been nothing physical and the co-worker has told me, our son, and many of her other co-workers that she has no interest in a relationship with my ex. However, she continues to communicate with him (at work, by phone, texting, etc) even though she has told me she knows it gets his hopes up. (She is seeing someone else.)
I definitely feel I am in the middle of a love triangle and feel extremely hurt by the behavior of both of them. Just a couple of weeks ago, my ex purchased a small farm which mimics his co-worker’s parents’ farm. Sometimes, I feel my ex has some mental health issues and this helps me when I become so frustrated.
Up until last Easter, my ex and I were spending 4-5 days a week together for coffee, overnights (no sex), dinners out, movies, concerts, etc. But now we see each other about twice a month which has included a camping trip and a favorite activity that we have always enjoyed. I keep praying and standing for my marriage to be restored and always ask God to give me the faith and strength to trust Him. Thank you for listening.
(USA) I am happy to report that things have improved drastically between my husband and me since my last post of Oct. 10. I guess he got the message about my needing some attention. He has been almost like his former self the last week or so. He has actually initiated some hugs, invited me sit on his lap, held me tight in bed a few times, and told me that he loves me! I’m just blown away!!! I really am a low maintenence spouse–the thrill of a hug will last for days, so I’m happy about this change. I pray it lasts. Thanks to all who prayed for us!
I also want to say that telling my husband a little about this attorney here at work, although very difficult to do, has been very liberating. I no longer live with that feeling that I’m hiding something, and for some reason that has melted my nervousness and tension when I find myself in the same courtroom with him. I can actually act almost normal, as if there were nothing between us. It’s amazing. God is sooooo good. Love and courage to all.
(USA) Hey Rebecca, How great to hear your good report! Those hugs from home are sooooooo good, aren’t they? Be praying for me in the next 2 weeks as I will be contacted by my AP to make contact on his visit. I’m still feeling strong in the Lord and know he will give me the words to say. I’ve not yet had the courage to tell my husband anything and am not sure I ever can. Just ending the whole thing will bring me liberation. I’m just glad you never got to that place because I can tell you it is VERY painful. Please remember my words.
You just look at your husband as the most wonderful man on this planet and he will respond I’m sure. I’m praying for you. HUGS!
(USA) Thank you, Leah, for your prayers and your report. It’s good to know that you are feeling strong in the Lord! I just found your post today, but I will be praying for you. It will be hard to end everything, and you will probably experience some sadness and depression along with the liberation, (because there is that side of us that needs and wants what the affair was giving us,) but it is sooooo very worth giving up just to have God’s favor again!
And, yes, I am convinced that my husband is the most wonderful man on the planet! He has a stand at a large local Flea Market where he works Sat. and Sun., being that he can not get a regular job due to his back injury. Yesterday, he took the whole day off and spent it with us. We went to church together, went forward for prayer together, went out to eat, etc. Thank God for His goodness.
So, Leah, hang in there. Read and pray alot. Forgive yourself. Accept God’s forgiveness. Set your mind to DO the right thing. Trust God to handle the rest. The emotions will swing to and fro, the thoughts and longings will hang like a cloud at the edge of your consciousness, but head toward the light, even if you stumble and fall in the process. Love and prayers, Rebecca
(SOUTH AFRICA) phew, where to start? my husband and I both have 1 son each from previous relationships (who dont live with us), we have a 4yr old daughter together. His alchohol abuse has always been an issue – he forgets family appointments, is irrisponsible with time, choosing to "have a drink" rather than spend quality time as a family. over time he the name calling and yelling progressed to physical violence. It got to the state where I had to serve him with a domestic violence interdict (which will be valid for life). and I started divorce proceedings. He had moved out by then. after 3 wks i withdrew the divorce summons. Hoping that we could work things thru, and wanting to prove that i was serious. now it seems that i will never live that down. he joined a local Alcho Anon group, but says he does not see the need to attend anymore. The drinking continuous, not as much violence anymore, but he sometimes stays out the entire night, yesterday he was out from 5 (after work) coming in at 5 this morning. sometimes when i call his cell he switches it off or never answers. now i dont even call anymore. last year during 1 his ‘outings’ i found evidence that he had been with someone else… There is no relatinship/companionship here. I want to be so much more. I want out. I dont think that God wants this of me. I am so unhappy trying to please the Church and live by "biblical principles", i feel like a empty husk walking around. I cannot even be with my son – my husband does not want him around (too many teenage issues he says)
(CANADA) Hi, It was great to read these heartfelt comments from the other ladies. I am a Christian as well. I have had a happy marriage for 13 years – I really do love my husband dearly. The man with whom I have been having an emotional affair with is my son’s hockey coach – I have tried to break these intense, emotional feelings I have for him and I’m finding it very difficult.
It all started in Feb. ‘02 at a parents and kids hockey party when we were having a friendly conversation. I thought nothing of it at the time. I know I could be flirtatious with other men – it is my natural joking around personality. Anyway, he started flirting with me all the time when we would see each other (say 2 or 3X per week or so) and I liked it. It gave me that rush. Our sons are friends and he has conveniently made it that way – he takes my son to hockey games and out golfing. I’m pretty sure it is so that he can have contact with me. He has confided that he is not happily married.
This is very difficult because I have to see him on a regular basis and at times the sparks are like firecrackers. I tried to talk with my husband but he doesn’t understand and he is not concerned. He trusts me which is nice, but I’m scared if I am alone with this man, I may want to get physical. Could some of you out there please comment and provide some help. Thanks, Elaine
(USA) Hey Elaine, I have posted here in the past and you can read above things I have said.
I have been through so much grief and pain from my only emotional affair, that I had to write to you to say, please run as fast as you can from whatever you are in. I have done a lot of reading at ivillage message boards about women in full blown physical affairs and it is very destructive and painful when you take that extra step. So much more is involved. I feel enough pain with what I have done. By the way, I ended it for good 10 days ago and am already healing. The Lord will replace that need for attention with other positive things if you ask him. I did finally tell my very best friend, who I trust fully. I just needed someone I could be accountable to. That has help immensely.
Please keep posting here so the ones of us who have been there can give you support. I’m not sure you won’t suffer some withdrawals already from what you’re involved in. It is truly an addiction. Go to ivillage and do some reading.
(USA) Wow, I’ve read all the comments and appreciate all everyone has been/is going through. 4 months ago I discovered my husband of 17 years was having an emotional affair with a woman from our church. They served on the same church team. It’s still difficult today to describe the feeling when I found out… much more painful than I would have thought possible. I find myself deeply wounded, obsessive, angry, distrustful and frightened. The good news is that we are working it out, and he is willing to do whatever it takes to bring us through this.
This is a phenomenally painful process, and if I think about how long it will be before our marriage is strong again, I become faint of heart. But we are both broken people who love God and each other, and I cling to this hope daily. Sometimes, like late at night, thoughts about what happened, could have happened, did happen, etc. persecute me, and the only way I overcome this is to rebuke them, out loud, in Jesus’ name and divert my mind. So I started looking for help on the web.
Thank you so much for sharing your hearts. Even if you don’t always have answers, you’re surviving, and there’s something to be said for that. I realize now that love really is a choice, a commitment. But I now realize that I cannot fulfill this choice, this commitment with the wisdom, love and guidance of God. If nothing else, this situation has brought my relationship with God to an intimate, open place. Right now, He’s the only one I really trust.
Most of the time I feel so vulnerable and my natural instinct is to put up walls and emotionally detach. But I know if I do that, my marriage will end. So I go to God, and trust that He will protect my battered heart.
(CANADA) Hi Leah, Thanks so much for your comments. I was really hoping someone would respond. The problem with the other person is I have to see him all the time because our sons are friends and on the same hockey team. We live in a small town and I believe our sons will be involved in sports, go to the same middle and high school and our paths will cross for many years to come. We were at the parents party the other night and I worked really hard to talk to other friends – I did manage to do so but he was almost always in my line of view.
My dear husband does not understand – I know that I love him a lot more than the other man, but it’s so difficult when our paths keep crossing.
I am trying to be strong and have prayed about it. I think that an emotional affair is probably one of the most difficult things you can go through – it hurts even more than when my dad died some years ago. Good for you, Leah, for ending your affair. I hope that you can stick with it. I’ve tried to shut down my feelings several times, but I cannot.
(USA) Elaine, Leah, all, Here I am, caught up in the same circular struggle. When I don’t see HIM, (and I do all I can to avoid seeing him), I finally can pretty much forget about him. At least that is progress. But when I cross paths with him, then I still struggle for a period of time afterward –sometimes hours, sometimes days –with those feelings and endless thoughts.
Leah, I’m so happy to hear about your victory! Elaine, the first step is to determine that your actions be right, then over time the thoughts and feelings will line up little by little, of course with huge amounts of prayer, Word, and trust in God. Seeing the person is a constant problem, but ask God to help you to act normal, not flirty, when you are around him. Try to avoid him whenever possible.
God spoke to me so beautifully one day and told me that He had given me ONE husband and that I needed to put ALL my energies into loving him, so I’m working on that and it helps. God bless you all. Keep posting!