“How can I get unhooked from an emotional affair?” There is not easy way, and it will involve a process of time. In that process, several practices are important. First of all, separation is important. The emphasis here is on abstinence and sobriety. You don’t indulge yourself with the other person’s presence. You must stop exposing yourself to this shared life experience. The contact is what keeps these feelings alive; you need to stop feeding the compulsion.
I hasten to add that you just can’t bury these feelings. Therefore, the next step is identification. What is the “something” this person touches inside you? What unmet need does he tap into? Sometimes the infidel can process this with a spouse or a same-sex friend, but other times that will need to be done with an experienced counselor who is committed to restoring the marriage.
My experience is that the longings that underlie infidelity go back to childhood; the infidel brings them with him or her into the marriage. They often were touched upon or satisfied in the initial phases of the relationship with the spouse, but over time have been buried by the crush of life’s responsibilities.
The next process is exposure. Don’t allow these longings and feelings to remain a secret. The longer an infidel allows these feelings to continue as a secret, the more he or she will idealize the person the feelings are attached to. Idealization means this partner becomes perfect, and as a result, no one else (e.g., the spouse) can measure up. The partner is beginning to be seen as “all good,” and therefore the infidel will have to see the marriage as “all bad.”
As mentioned earlier, if you encapsulate these feelings at this point, they will only lie dormant to be triggered again later. I usually encourage the infidel to share his feelings with his spouse, after seeking counsel. After all, the spouse has been involved in this story already (in that all affairs are a triangle, even if the spouse is unaware) and might as well know the secrets that are occurring in his/her marriage.
The next concept here is to journal. Write down the feelings you are experiencing in this rather involved and tortuous journey. Feelings don’t have to control an individual, but their influence is strongest when they are held in secret. The longings that have led to this emotional affair are a part of the childhood magic; journaling them gets them out into the open, into the adult realm.
The next step is displacement. Use this process in tandem with some of the other processes. Here you do something else in lieu of focusing on the partner. You can exercise, get involved in spiritual development, or take on different projects or hobbies. This is the “doing” part of healing.
The final idea is to grieve. Though this is extremely difficult for the spouse to observe, it is important and necessary. Many times this needs to start with a “good-bye” letter (written to the adulterous partner). Most infidels find this very painful to do. It seems so unnecessary initially, because (seemingly “nothing evil has happened,” since they didn’t have sex. Only after thorough processing, and the passage of time, will the infidel be able to look back and see how befuddled his/her thinking really was.
This is also a good time for the infidel to review his/her “loss history,” and this leads naturally to grieving. What other significant caregivers, friends, loved ones, or pets has the infidel lost that parallel the lost feelings in giving up the affair? The infidel will probably want to do this in private and only later will be able to share the depth of the experience with his spouse.
(A caution here: The depression is not about what you feel for the partner, but just what you are feeling, period. Keep the partner out of the equation-it will make it easier for your souse to listen to your feelings, and easier for you to connect with the feelings in your heart that need processing.)
The Healing Process
Neither your partner nor your spouse can release you from the emotional hook you’ve experienced. Many spouses caught in this kind of emotional affair have found portions of The Serenity Prayer helpful:
“Lord, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Be careful of changing the components around. Don’t try to change the things you cannot change-that will only lead to frustration and anger. On the other hand, don’t accept the things you should be changing—that will only lead to feelings of victimization, a sense of “What’s the use? I can’t lick this, so I might as well give in.”
Time, the healing process, always requires a backward look. Encouragement is not usually the result if you look to where you need to be, feel like you ought to be, or even want to be. You will see the feelings diminish as you look backward to where you were three, six or nine months ago.
Rebuild and concentrate on the lost relationships that contributed to the vacuum that the emotional affair filled. That could require quite a search on your part, some intense conversations (even confrontations) with people in your life, a lot of focused reading, and even some trips/visits to significant places in your childhood.
Enjoy the process and reschedule the experiences that made your marriage good in the first place. Here I encourage couples to each identify the “eight greats” of their marital experience. Independently, each spouse should identify the eight great experiences, or highlights, of their marital history, then decide together on five that they’d like to repeat. You see, shared history is a critical component of intimacy. Rare is the spouse who won’t join “the almost infidel” in this endeavor and experience recovery from close call. Why, most of us had close calls ourselves.
Some Cautions for the Infidel
Temptations do not an identity make. Some people struggle with the same temptation for years. For instance, just because someone wants to smoke again because he’s tempted doesn’t mean he’s a smoker. Don’t let the temptation to return to the partner shame you into feeling “What’s the use? I might as well give in. I’ll never be free of these feelings.”
Second, remember that in periods of high stress, difficult emotions, transition, and marital dullness, you will feel an increased desire to return to the partner or to renew thoughts of him/her. At times, infidels report that they have yearnings to think about this person just to see if the feelings are still “available” as in the days gone by. This “testing” is common to obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and the intent is to prove to oneself how far one has come in the recovery process.
Be careful—this process can begin to mimic the destabilization process of a Class 2 affair described in chapter 6. As mentioned there, such practices only intensify, rather than lessen, the attraction—and the hook goes much deeper.
Some Encouragement for the Spouse
First, remember that these longings were present in your spouse before you entered his or her life. You didn’t create them, and you probably can’t fully satisfy them.
Second, you did tap into those longings early in your relationship in some fashion. The longings were present in the initial feelings of what love is all about. For whatever reason, the infidel settled for the initial feelings of what love is all about and superficial satisfaction of those longings, versus deepening and maturing them. This is not your fault. Many times it is the result of a combination of circumstances: work, school, family, and so on. But the exciting thing is now you both can go deeper in your love for each other.
Last, both of you will eventually forget the partner. The memories of this experience will fade in the same way that a widow or widower forgets abut the loss of a god first marriage if the second marriage is a pleasant experience.
It is possible to rebuild after an emotional affair has been discovered. Work through these steps and you will make progress. This is the kind of stuff emotional intimacy is built on, and that is the key to any good marriage.
The above article comes from the excellent book, TORN ASUNDER - Recovery from Extramarital Affairs -By Dave Carder. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.” We highly recommend getting this book!
There are a couple of parts that especially stand out and set it apart from other resources. One in particular which is EXCELLENT is titled: “When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want You Back: The 90-Day Experiment.” We wish we could have put this portion of the book on our web site but it’s too long to be able to honor the author’s copyright privilege and it really can’t be shortened to do it justice. You really need to get the book to have this as well as the other helpful information.
(If you’re dealing with this problem and you can’t get this book in your country then please contact the publisher at the above web site and see if there’s something that can be arranged.)
They also have a section in it which includes a questionnaire that addresses: “Are You at Risk for an Affair?” It’s an excellent tool to identify personal growth areas for you and your spouse to discuss and develop and is designed to help evaluate personal history and lifestyle which parallels with those who have been involved in adultery. We were surprised by some of the questions and what can set people up to have an affair. It might help you too. This book is filled with many other great insights also!
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(USA) First of all I want to address Mitzie’s post. I guess I skimmed right over it the other day b/c I probably didn’t want to face the other side of an affair. I’ve been reading on this site all the pain and sadness the betrayed spouse goes through and it really breaks my heart because for them there was no choice or bad judgment. We are all selfish in our choices but they are the innocent victims.
My affair guy used to tell me that his wife didn’t like him anyway, probably just to ease my conscience, but that was probably a smoke screen to keep me coming back for more. She probably would have liked (loved) him had he been a kind a decent husband. That is not for me to figure out, but the bottom line is I never thought about her feelings (not that she ever knew about us) until I read some of the posts on the betrayed side. It will make you really see who the victim is. So for Mitzie, I am so sorry you have suffered so much.
Elaine, I do hope you can overcome your feelings for this man. I know being in some form of contact makes it much more difficult. Thankfully, I do not have any contact. I do think you should confide in someone who you can be accountable to so you will not cross the line at least physically. I guess the emotional line has already been crossed. I can tell you the longer you go with this, the harder the pain will be to end, at a later time.
Rebecca, I am so glad you’re back. I can tell you have turned this over to God. He will bring you through, just as He has promised. Please keep me posted. I’m sure I’ll be coming here for a long time, to get strength. It is an addiction and has to be taken VERY seriously. Love and prayers!
(USA) I have scanned the internet for some relief of what I have been going through regarding an emotional affair which I pretty much have had for a year. I ended up walking out of my job because I worked with him and could not take it anymore. It seems liked we were back and forth, became intimate in several ways but never slept together, and now I am so empty I can hardly stand it.
I have been gone from my job three months now and it is not easier. He did not contact me at all but has asked about me from another co-worker. How do you ever get over something you never ever had, and try and rebuild something with a man you cant stand? gailbeee
(USA) Gail, my heart literally breaks for you, as I can hear in your words the deep frustration, desperation, yearning, and a tinge of hopelessness that I have struggled with for months now.
It has now been a year since I met HIM, and I feel like I’ve been in a war ever since–a war with my own emotions and the relentless thoughts and desires that were born when I met this man. I have gotten the victory and have dedicated and re-dedicated my life to God and my heart to my husband countless times, only to find myself once again thinking, imagining, feeling things that I should not.
But it is worth the fight, and praise be to God Who always causes us to triumph! I intend to make Heaven, and in the process be a godly woman and the example I should be to my daughters and those around me. But I’d be trying to fool myself and all of you if I said that it was easy.
Fill your emptiness with God. Search for and desire His precious Presence. In His presence is fullness of joy. He is the only source of strength that I have found to fight this war. When I am entirely too battle-weary to go on, He sends me just what I need in the nick of time. Love and prayers, Rebecca
(ZIMBABWE) Well, after reading through other comments, I felt compelled to share an experience I am in and hopefully can get some assistance and advice. I am one of those in the predicament of infidelity and feel so guilty about it especially to my spouse and the effect it has on my marriage.
I am married with one child of two years and had been in the marriage for four years now. The issue is before I got married to my wife Hilda I had an affair before.This affair is the one that’s haunting me day and night and I can’t take it anymore. I just want to move on with my wife and forget about the past.
I had or am still having an affair with Rachel who is refusing to let go of me even though she’s aware that am now married. I met Rachel in church when we were still youths and I fell in love with her. The relationship went on for four years, though her family did not approve of our relationship, we kept on loving each other. She was a virgin then and had not known a man before but we then indulged in sex and she fell pregnant.
She eloped to our family house where I stayed with my parents but my parents did not like her, though for me I had no problem because i loved her. The reason why my parents disapproved of her was that she was five years older than me. Well, in love you don’t notice that until pressure mounted on me, then I realised the age difference. But I just felt the need to continue the relationship.
Unfortunately she had a miscarriage and this then made my peers more vocal about her. She finally succumbed to pressure and she left our house. The affair though continued secretly until I relocated when I found a new job. I used to come and see her as well as being intimate.
At my new job I then met my wife to be, Hilda whom I fell in love with. I then ended the affair with Rachel as I now concentrated on my new affair and discontinued all communications. I told Hilda about my past and she understood and we got married. Then one day I went to visit my parents and I met Rachel whom I had not seen for the past three years and she told me she still loved me and that she will not get married to anyone except myself as I was the one responsible for her losing her virginity. This is when communication with her started again behind my wife’s back.
Inside my heart I felt guilty to what I did to Rachel and at the same time felt the betrayal I did to Hilda. I would sleep several times with Rachel and it started affecting my relationship with my wife. Sex with my wife became a problem because I became too demanding for sex almost on a daily basis and my wife will turn me down and I found fault in her as I compared her with the sexual needs I got from Rachel. I acted normal and she did not notice anything amiss on me. Instead I was the one not getting any satisfaction from her.
Inside I really loved my wife and I wanted to let go of Rachel but still I found it difficult. I went to church and prayed daily to let the feeling of Rachel go away but still I could not let go. At one time I thought of telling my wife but I felt it was going to affect my relationship with her. No one knows about the extra affair, even my close friends and it’s a secret only known by Rachel and myself. I really want to let go and it’s affecting my relationship with God as I am no longer comfortable in my prayers and even my family as I always feel guilty of what I am doing.
Rachel in turn refuses to end the affair as she feel obliged to have me saying I destroyed her life and she no longer has any feelings for other men except the one who destroyed her virginity. I am afraid to come out in the open about the issue as I feel i will lose my wife. I am a God fearing person and as a family we are devoted Christians. All I want is a new life with my wife. I do love her. Please assist me get over her.
Regards, Collin
(USA) I just got to this site so I don’t know if I write what’s happening to me. I’ve read just about every thing on here and maybe someone can help me. I bought the movie Fireproof and it’s so touching, so I started looking and found this site. I guess I’ll start. For about a year and 2 months my husband has been on a site call move a chat line and started a relationship with a young woman. Intentionally we were to be on together but something about the computers, we couldn’t. So he got attached to this young lady. started hiding things, wouldn’t let me sit and also chat him.
He started sms on phone, got different yahoo accounts, started talking about not so nice things and I found out. He said he didn’t mean to got carried away, so l forgave him. Several months later, I find out he’s telling her he loves her wants to be with her. I confront him, he says he’s just saying this because they’re good friends. I’m not a prude, I tell my friend I love them, but not the way he says it. I love you, the words like this never comes out of my mouth, I reserve that for my husband. Am I wrong?
He tells her he wants to hold her close and be with her. Is it wrong to be upset? I’ve asked him to get her out of our lives, but he says he loves me, it’s all a game, don’t be upset. He says I just do not want him to have friends. This has been going on so long. I’m sick most of the time and depressed. Sometimes I cant breathe. I pray every night for help. She constantly phones him, sms him. Please someone help me. I love my husband, but when I’m upset I yell. I got the Love Dare book, and I’m trying to follow it. I’m not sure what to do. Help!
(CANADA) Hi Melinda, I’m sorry for all the pain you’re going through. To answer your question, you’re not wrong to be upset, even angry and you’re definitely not wrong to ask your husband to stop what he’s doing. Honestly, from yesterday I thought about what I should tell you. What I encourage you to do is not to give up praying. God has the answer. When you go to the article The Power of a Praying Wife on this site (in the “For Married Women” section) you’ll read a lot of the pain women have gone through with their struggles and also the triumphs.
What I encourage you to do is to pray for yourself and ask God to reveal anything that you might need to change (it’s not your fault what your husband is doing) but sometimes we as wives do things that are not pleasing to God. Ask God to change you and to give you all the resources you need to get through this with His help. Push in prayer and please listen to God for He’ll show you what needs changing. And He’ll guide you and He’ll see you through this.
Remember He knew this was gonna happen. He’s waiting for you to ask Him to change you. God starts working in one person at a time and He’s chosen you. So be humbled and have faith and watch as God works miracles in you and then your husband. It will take you having the faith that can move mountains and patience. Ask God to give them to you and a heart of forgiveness to forgive both your husband and this other woman.
And pray for that woman too. That’s the best way to start healing and trust me, it won’t be easy. I’ve been there but with the Lord’s Grace you’ll be able to. If you have a friend who can be there to pray for you and with you that’s even better. Cindy always encourages people to pray through the book of Psalms and I just started and it’s great. Immerse yourself in the word and praise God, and fast too.
I tell you God has the answer. You can read James 1:2-4; 1 Corinthians 7 — it’s about marriage. And read Isaiah 41:10 and Psalms 34:17-18. I can go on and on but the Word is your best comfort. If you can you can also buy the book SACRED INFLUENCE by GARY THOMAS and SAVING MY MARRIAGE ALONE by ED WHEAT. You can order them on amazon through this site.
I’m reading A WIFE’S PRAYER by PAMELA HINES and so far it’s good and when she started the Wife’s Prayer Group she told the women that "They were not to pray their own agendas and desires but they were going to pray the answer, not the problem.". That moved me so much because I realised that I had never done that. When I started praying I thought to myself, that’s not my husband. And God spoke to me and said, because it’s the answer.
And I had to stop and feel the magnitude of those prayers because we forget that by the time we’re praying our prayers are answered, maybe not the way we want, and the time we want, but in God’s perfect way and timing. Melinda, don’t give up. My prayers are with you and your husband. God’s Blessings.
(USA) I’ve read the comments and wanted to give my experience and hopefully hope in your situations. As a teenager, I met and fell for the first love of my life. Due to various circumstances, we didn’t work out. This affected me for many years to come and I didn’t have any relationships for a long time. My future wife to be pursued and pursued me despite my reluctance and the fact that I didn’t (and couldn’t) love her or let anyone close to me. Finally I gave in and although we have been married for 17 years with 2 girls, I still had trouble loving her as I should.
Recently, I found this other person after 28 years. We started with email and things took off very quickly. I felt as though she was still the one for me, as she complimented me and told me how much she loved me. I decided to fly to her state and meet her in person and sure enough, we hit it off. I was going to leave my wife and family and pursue a relationship with her. I was ready to move out and a wave of conviction hit me, and her as well. I simply could not do this in good conscience.
We decided to break off the affair and it took a few months to get over it. It was extremely painful at first, like I would never know passionate love again, but over time the pain went away. The longer the affair, the harder it is in my opinion. The amazing thing is, is that I am filled with a love for my wife that I had never known. I know I would never do this again. I don’t have a desire to even lust after a woman anymore.
God’s word on the permanence of marriage only strengthens my beliefs. I now realize all the many wrongs I’ve committed and I am deeply sorry for them. God can change hearts – yours and your spouses. Don’t do anything you will regret now and in the future, especially if you have children. Nothing is impossible for our God.
(USA) This is for Melinda. I hope you with us still, my dear. You really must read Dr. James Dobson’s book, Love Must Be Tough. That book, along with alot of prayer, saved my marriage several years ago when my husband was not behaving in conformity with our wedding vows. You deserve some respect, girl, but get that book and read it before you take action. Love and prayers, Rebecca
(CANADA) Hi Leah and Rebecca: I posted here back in November and my emotional affair has continued. I really minimized my contact as much as possible but still had to see him regularly. That’s what really kept the feelings alive. Anyway, I’ve now really made up my mind to try my hardest to get rid of the feelings that I’ve had for him.
I really think he’s got problems – he does not treat his son or wife nicely at all. He has some real anger issues too. I’m glad I am able to see his true colours. Even though I have to see him on a regular basis through my son’s sports, I am very determined to put these feelings to rest, move on and focus on my husband.
He is a wonderful man and I think I have taken the relationship too much for granted. This is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do, because the rush of emotions come on at times. I have talked to several friends about this. It helps.
(USA) I caught my husband in an emotional affair about 9 months ago. Several times he swore it was over but it would creep up either by her calling me & telling me he wouldn’t leave her alone or by me finding him at her workplace (she’s a waitress). I have been going crazy for all this time. It’s such a roller coaster that I am ready to get off. We have 4 children & that is the driving force for me staying. I feel I have reached the end of my rope though. It has been so long that I feel I can’t ever trust him again. Not to mention the fact that he’s obviously not in a place where he is ready to give all of this up.
You see, we have not had a perfect marriage, but I never felt insecure in our love before this. I always figured you had to work through the ups & downs of marriage. We run our own business together & he is involved in so many activities (leisure –including staying at bars late, community, athletic, etc).
After our 4th child, I reached a point where I was demanding that he give some stuff up! I am exhausted and lonely all the time! He always tells me to find my own activity but I try to explain that I want our family & "us" to be my activities.
Don’t get me wrong, I go to dinner once a month with my girlfriends & yoga once or twice a month but I don’t need a bunch of "me" activities. If I don’t suggest the two of us go out on a date (which could be grocery shopping for all I care) we would never go. So anyway, he says that I pushed him away. The house is always a mess because I can’t keep up with 3 kids in school & a baby to take care of (laundry, our business, dinner, homework, etc.). I also started a part time job (on top of my responsibilities in our business) to add extra income.
I have prayed my heart out & one night found your site! It was a godsend! I thought the healing separation would get us back on track but each time he would spend time away (a couple days) he would do what he wanted & come back like nothing was any different! I need some big change & he can’t seem to understand it. The fighting has become so intense that I don’t who I’ve let myself become.
We finally agreed there was nothing left to do but divorce but it feels wrong & horrible. Yet at the same time, it feels wrong & horrible to remain living this way. What can you recommend to me at this point? I have read & printed off several of your articles for him. We watched Fireproof together but it did not help. He sees me as the problem & I can’t figure out if he is just crazy or thinks I am that stupid??? What other resources would you suggest?
We are at such a crucial point right now. I almost feel like divorce might be the only way for him to see what he is actually losing. I just don’t know how to keep living in this. I have lost over 30 pounds (I didn’t have that much to lose) and feel so weak in my fight. How do I get him to come to know God & get on the right path? Please, any advice is much appreciated. I am lost!