“How can I get unhooked from an emotional affair?” There is not easy way, and it will involve a process of time. In that process, several practices are important. First of all, separation is important. The emphasis here is on abstinence and sobriety. You don’t indulge yourself with the other person’s presence. You must stop exposing yourself to this shared life experience. The contact is what keeps these feelings alive; you need to stop feeding the compulsion.
I hasten to add that you just can’t bury these feelings. Therefore, the next step is identification. What is the “something” this person touches inside you? What unmet need does he tap into? Sometimes the infidel can process this with a spouse or a same-sex friend, but other times that will need to be done with an experienced counselor who is committed to restoring the marriage.
My experience is that the longings that underlie infidelity go back to childhood; the infidel brings them with him or her into the marriage. They often were touched upon or satisfied in the initial phases of the relationship with the spouse, but over time have been buried by the crush of life’s responsibilities.
The next process is exposure. Don’t allow these longings and feelings to remain a secret. The longer an infidel allows these feelings to continue as a secret, the more he or she will idealize the person the feelings are attached to. Idealization means this partner becomes perfect, and as a result, no one else (e.g., the spouse) can measure up. The partner is beginning to be seen as “all good,” and therefore the infidel will have to see the marriage as “all bad.”
As mentioned earlier, if you encapsulate these feelings at this point, they will only lie dormant to be triggered again later. I usually encourage the infidel to share his feelings with his spouse, after seeking counsel. After all, the spouse has been involved in this story already (in that all affairs are a triangle, even if the spouse is unaware) and might as well know the secrets that are occurring in his/her marriage.
The next concept here is to journal. Write down the feelings you are experiencing in this rather involved and tortuous journey. Feelings don’t have to control an individual, but their influence is strongest when they are held in secret. The longings that have led to this emotional affair are a part of the childhood magic; journaling them gets them out into the open, into the adult realm.
The next step is displacement. Use this process in tandem with some of the other processes. Here you do something else in lieu of focusing on the partner. You can exercise, get involved in spiritual development, or take on different projects or hobbies. This is the “doing” part of healing.
The final idea is to grieve. Though this is extremely difficult for the spouse to observe, it is important and necessary. Many times this needs to start with a “good-bye” letter (written to the adulterous partner). Most infidels find this very painful to do. It seems so unnecessary initially, because (seemingly “nothing evil has happened,” since they didn’t have sex. Only after thorough processing, and the passage of time, will the infidel be able to look back and see how befuddled his/her thinking really was.
This is also a good time for the infidel to review his/her “loss history,” and this leads naturally to grieving. What other significant caregivers, friends, loved ones, or pets has the infidel lost that parallel the lost feelings in giving up the affair? The infidel will probably want to do this in private and only later will be able to share the depth of the experience with his spouse.
(A caution here: The depression is not about what you feel for the partner, but just what you are feeling, period. Keep the partner out of the equation-it will make it easier for your souse to listen to your feelings, and easier for you to connect with the feelings in your heart that need processing.)
The Healing Process
Neither your partner nor your spouse can release you from the emotional hook you’ve experienced. Many spouses caught in this kind of emotional affair have found portions of The Serenity Prayer helpful:
“Lord, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Be careful of changing the components around. Don’t try to change the things you cannot change-that will only lead to frustration and anger. On the other hand, don’t accept the things you should be changing—that will only lead to feelings of victimization, a sense of “What’s the use? I can’t lick this, so I might as well give in.”
Time, the healing process, always requires a backward look. Encouragement is not usually the result if you look to where you need to be, feel like you ought to be, or even want to be. You will see the feelings diminish as you look backward to where you were three, six or nine months ago.
Rebuild and concentrate on the lost relationships that contributed to the vacuum that the emotional affair filled. That could require quite a search on your part, some intense conversations (even confrontations) with people in your life, a lot of focused reading, and even some trips/visits to significant places in your childhood.
Enjoy the process and reschedule the experiences that made your marriage good in the first place. Here I encourage couples to each identify the “eight greats” of their marital experience. Independently, each spouse should identify the eight great experiences, or highlights, of their marital history, then decide together on five that they’d like to repeat. You see, shared history is a critical component of intimacy. Rare is the spouse who won’t join “the almost infidel” in this endeavor and experience recovery from close call. Why, most of us had close calls ourselves.
Some Cautions for the Infidel
Temptations do not an identity make. Some people struggle with the same temptation for years. For instance, just because someone wants to smoke again because he’s tempted doesn’t mean he’s a smoker. Don’t let the temptation to return to the partner shame you into feeling “What’s the use? I might as well give in. I’ll never be free of these feelings.”
Second, remember that in periods of high stress, difficult emotions, transition, and marital dullness, you will feel an increased desire to return to the partner or to renew thoughts of him/her. At times, infidels report that they have yearnings to think about this person just to see if the feelings are still “available” as in the days gone by. This “testing” is common to obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and the intent is to prove to oneself how far one has come in the recovery process.
Be careful—this process can begin to mimic the destabilization process of a Class 2 affair described in chapter 6. As mentioned there, such practices only intensify, rather than lessen, the attraction—and the hook goes much deeper.
Some Encouragement for the Spouse
First, remember that these longings were present in your spouse before you entered his or her life. You didn’t create them, and you probably can’t fully satisfy them.
Second, you did tap into those longings early in your relationship in some fashion. The longings were present in the initial feelings of what love is all about. For whatever reason, the infidel settled for the initial feelings of what love is all about and superficial satisfaction of those longings, versus deepening and maturing them. This is not your fault. Many times it is the result of a combination of circumstances: work, school, family, and so on. But the exciting thing is now you both can go deeper in your love for each other.
Last, both of you will eventually forget the partner. The memories of this experience will fade in the same way that a widow or widower forgets abut the loss of a god first marriage if the second marriage is a pleasant experience.
It is possible to rebuild after an emotional affair has been discovered. Work through these steps and you will make progress. This is the kind of stuff emotional intimacy is built on, and that is the key to any good marriage.
The above article comes from the excellent book, TORN ASUNDER - Recovery from Extramarital Affairs -By Dave Carder. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.” We highly recommend getting this book!
There are a couple of parts that especially stand out and set it apart from other resources. One in particular which is EXCELLENT is titled: “When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want You Back: The 90-Day Experiment.” We wish we could have put this portion of the book on our web site but it’s too long to be able to honor the author’s copyright privilege and it really can’t be shortened to do it justice. You really need to get the book to have this as well as the other helpful information.
(If you’re dealing with this problem and you can’t get this book in your country then please contact the publisher at the above web site and see if there’s something that can be arranged.)
They also have a section in it which includes a questionnaire that addresses: “Are You at Risk for an Affair?” It’s an excellent tool to identify personal growth areas for you and your spouse to discuss and develop and is designed to help evaluate personal history and lifestyle which parallels with those who have been involved in adultery. We were surprised by some of the questions and what can set people up to have an affair. It might help you too. This book is filled with many other great insights also!
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(INDIA) I am 34 yrs old and have 2 lovely daughters who mean my whole world to me. I loved my husband initially and had never thought that I would b falling in love with another man ever. 9 years ago I fell in love with this handsome guy who worked in the same place where I was. He also showed great interest in me initially. We were just good friends and I shared all my marital problems with him.
My husband was not able to satisfy my sexual urges but I was ok with it. When I met this guy he gradually came very close to me which led to an intimate relationship between us. I always had a feeling that what I was doing was not correct but it was so very difficult for me to go away from him. I had asked my lover to get married and settled in life but he always said that he loved me and could not think of another woman in his life.
But after 8 yrs of our affair one day he confessed to me that this parents were forcing him to get married and that he was in a fix. I was quite considerate about his future and asked him to do as his parents wished but he told me that if he got married I shouldn’t go away from his life. Somehow he was able to convince me and I unwillingly agreed.
After his marriage he seems to have changed. When I tell him I want to discontinue he refuses and says that he still loves me. He drops in at my place for sex anytime he feels and even if I refuse he forces me. He says that he enjoys sexual relationship only with me but I know he has developed a good relationship with his wife too, which disturbs me a lot.
Now this is where I need your help. I want to forget him and start loving my husband like before but over the years my husband has become so rude and critical that he doesn’t realise what he is doing. On the other hand it is also very difficult for me to forget this guy. Sometimes I really don’t understand why he is not leaving me. Is that he really loves me or is it just that sexual urge. Please help me.
(USA) Sweety, I realize that in your culture, many marriages are arranged. You ask the question, does your paramour love you, or does he just want sex? Well, how do we define love? In the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13 defines agape love, which is one of the loves the Bible calls us to have for our spouse. We are also to have a romantic love for our spouse.
Your affair with your lover really isn’t love. It feels good, for a moment. But the guilt you have tells me it’s not really love.
You may have the romantic notion that love is something you feel, and if you don’t feel it, then it must not be love. I’ll not deny that loving and being loved can feel really good. But those feelings are not really the love, but the product of that love. Love is something you do, the feelings follow the actions.
I suspect your husband knows something is wrong. He may not know what, and that is helping drive his rude, critical nature. Think about it. His wife has and apparently still is betraying him. He has a really good reason right there to be critical. So even if he doesn’t know the real reason he should be critical, can you fault him for being critical when you have betrayed him?
You write, “I want to forget him and start loving my husband like before but over the years my husband has become so rude and critical that he doesn’t realise what he is doing.” Stop blaming him for your failure to do what you are called to do. If he were here, I’d tell him the same thing, love your wife despite her failures.
My re-write of this would remove the word but, and everything after it. Your behavior, your decisions are entirely up to you. No excuses accepted. No shifting blame to him for not making the right choices. My re-write would be, “I WILL forget him and start loving my husband like before. No but’s, no excuses, no blame shifting or justification of my bad behavior onto my betrayed husband.
One other thing, I would also suggest you say, “I will be 100% transparent with my husband, and tell him about the affair. No excuses.”
Now, you may need to do this from a safe place. But the abuse of the affair continues as long as he doesn’t know about it.
It’s not good enough to simply end the affair. To re-establish intimacy, to tell him what he needed to know, but can’t figure out, you have to be 100% honest about your transgression, turn from it, and ask him and God for forgiveness.
It’s simple for me to say. Yet I also realize it’s not easy to do.
Find a Godly woman mentor to assist you in the matter, and a Godly man to be there for your husband when the two of you go through this crisis together.
(S. AFRICA) Sweety, Oh dear I can’t believe your story and even your questioning as to whether this man loves you or not. He “has his cake and is eating it”. You say this affair has been going on for 8 years. No wonder your husband has become rude and critical. Try putting as much energy and love into your marriage as you are wasting with this man. What you are doing is WRONG; it will only bring you misery. Cut ALL ties with him, he is married now – let them be. He is using you. Don’t be fooled.
(USA) Well, I just came across this site. I was married for 14 years and I met a woman who completely changed my life. She was beautiful, smart and so incredibly nurturing. I fought her advances with every inner resource I had but eventually succumbed to a love that undid my very soul. Even after 8 years these feelings have never really diminished.
I was a pastor at the time. Yeah, I know. I am an embarrassment to the profession. If it helps, I was so ashamed of my feelings that I resigned my job without being caught or exposed. This is not to say that I did not admit my problem for I did just that. But all the ministry years had come to a halt.
I am still married, but forever chained. I have done everything to rid myself of this person (I am sure that she would have nothing to do with me anyhow), but I have decided that this is something that I will live with for the rest of my life. There is no escaping this place of torment. One can only hope to manage the pain until the release that comes through death itself. That is my only hope. May death come before I wake.
(US) I returned to this site again hoping someone would help me too. I am still involved in this emotional struggle. My man, who I am in love with, has not talked to me for 7 months since I left my job. All of a sudden he resurfaces, stays on me about going to lunch; we met, and I knew I still felt the same way. He emailed for a while then quits like he is waiting for me to and I’m not. Then I find myself waiting and looking for him… getting upset all over again. We were slightly intimate but then he drew back very fast. It’s like he is battling with himself. Please read my post back in May. Can someone help me too? Gail
(USA) Hi Gail, Bless your heart! I sense that you feel so lost in knowing how to live out each day while your emotional heart is playing tricks on you. You allowed yourself to “play” with temptation (as you said in your May posting — you realized this man is a “player”), you acknowledged that you “asked God to reveal” this to you and as you said, “I guess He did.” Now you are allowing yourself to be pulled back into the game of the chase — him chasing you like a sly cat.
You said you are married… this man is chasing in a coy way, a married woman… what does that make him? Whether you “want” to be in this marriage or not, this man has no business being with you, and the same goes for you with him because you have made a vow with your husband. I’m sorry to say this so bluntly. I sense you are a caring, loving woman… but you are also allowing yourself to live a deceived lifestyle.
You ask for help, and it appears that you need it. Gail… it is easier for those of us who are able to stand back objectively to see that you are being played with again — by this man, your mind and imagination, and the enemy of our faith who seeks to destroy. I pray you see this and “flee” as the Bible tells us to do in 1 Corinthians 6:18-20, when tempted. God has redeemed you. Don’t go backwards into this type of imprisonment again. Each time you do, the pull will be stronger and the potential hurt and scarring and damage done will be all the worse as well.
As tough as this is for you to face, from what I see, this man “is not that into you” except to use you for his own benefit and use. I’m so sorry to be the one to tell you that. But I hope you will wake up now, rather than later with even more damage done.
Of course this man will ask about you and will seek you out at different times… don’t we seek out decadent desserts when we want them? Afterward we go on to other interests, but then are drawn back to find them again when we are tempted. You aren’t created to be some kind of “tart” — God loves you and wants more for you than this. Run towards God and His ways and not this man. Temptation is fun for a season or more, but the price that is paid is NOT worth it. You can’t hit a “rewind” on regretful behavior. Cheating leads to regrets.
It will take sheer grit, determination and perseverance on your part to flee from this type of temptation because you’ve tasted that which you shouldn’t have eaten (like Eve did in the Garden). If you keep investing yourself into this addictive lifestyle and dream (which will eventually turn into your worst nightmare), you will waste the time God has given you to live out, and will wake up to find yourself to be a used, worn out, sorrowful old woman, regretting loss that never had to be!
I pray you are able to break free from this man Gail. I sense God is trying to get through to you, but you keep running in the opposite direction. “As God’s fellow workers, we urge you not to receive God’s grace in vain. For He says, ‘In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you.’ I tell you, now is the time of God’s favor, now is the day of salvation” (2 Corinthians 6:1-2).
I am praying for you — along with many others who will visit this section of the web site. You are very cared about and loved!
(CANADA) Hi Rebecca: I have not been on this post for a long time as well. Although we are from different worlds, your description of Mr. DA is very similar to my son’s hockey coach. I also fear he will make the BIG MOVE on my one of these days. He looks at me with the most loving, adoring eyes. He wants to take my son golfing with his son in the summer. We saw each other about 10 days ago, hadn’t seen each other in about a month and the feelings, chemistry, everything was just the same as always. My heart always jumps when I see him – it’s all so strong between us!
From your previous posts it seems like you were making real progress but to be unhappy in your marriage is very difficult. You had conviction about giving your love up. I am generally happy in my marriage, although there are certainly some frustrations. God has been good to me – blessed me with a strong family life with the husband and two boys. I also have a supportive church group and friends.
But like, you, this is the thing that won’t go away. You have regular contact and so do I. It is very difficult to heal and let it go – unfortunately it just won’t happen anytime soon. I will pray for you Rebecca and your situation. Please post and let me know how things are going.
(USA) I found Elaine’s post this morning. So good to hear from you! I don’t get on everyday, just check once a week or so to see if there is anything new. I have been working really hard on my relationship with my husband. Things are going well, at least on the surface. I have been doing a lot of research and reading, and have found info that suggests that when a spouse pulls away and becomes non-communicative and spends all their time buried in some alternative activity such as TV watching, that this is a result of some deep resentment or latent anger toward their companion.
So now I wonder what it was I did or said that caused my husband to become silent toward me in the first place, as I am one of those non-confrontational people who avoid conflict at all costs, and strive to treat everyone, especially my husband with love, respect, and understanding.
Anyway, we have had some very pleasant times together recently. I have been following some suggestions from MortFertel@MarriageMax.com. I must say that my husband is definitely trying too– not that he is watching TV any less or communicating any better, but at least he is treating me with affection and has taken time to go out with me several times.
Now regarding Mr. DA, ever since he made his “BIG MOVE,” everything has been different. I had a very strong gut feeling right after I e-mailed him and told him that I could not call him, that he would stop working in this building. I truly believe that he fell in love with me, and I don’t say that lightly, because I had never experienced that before. Never in my life had anyone ever “fallen in love” with me. I have observed how men act when they “fall in love” with other women, but had never been on the receiving end.
Somehow I knew that it took all the courage he had to give me that business card with his cell number on it, and that my turning him away would be very hard on him. That is why it caused me so much agony, even though I know I had no option but to do the right thing.
Well, I believe that my gut feeling was right. It has been 10 weeks yesterday, and he is hardly ever here now. I was in the same courtroom with him perhaps 3-4 times in the first 4 weeks and he looked awful. His face was drawn and he would not look at me. He was rigid and tense and I could not detect if he was angry, embarrassed, sad, depressed. He even looks like he has lost weight although he is naturally very slender. The last time I was in the same courtroom was 4 weeks ago. I sensed some softening in his attitude and could tell he was looking at me, but I did not reciprocate.
I feel so very bad for having led him on in any way in the past, so I have determined to ignore him, even though it hurts. I think he may be filling a different position for the DA’s office because he comes to court very rarely and sometimes I see him from my window crossing the street in jeans. Still the chain has not been broken. I think about him every day, even though I pray and long to stop and forget him. Hopefully with time and with virtually no contact, that prayer will become reality. Pray for me and I will pray for you. Thanks
(USA) This website helps so much to validate that I am not CRAZY!!! Here is my story: I am married to my high school sweetheart and we have been together for 21 years (married 15), never broken up, passionately in love, have 2 beautiful children, strong family bonds… the “perfect” story. So the fact that I allowed myself to become emotionally involved devastates me.
Both my husband and I play musical instruments (I french horn, him trumpet) and we often get hired to play in local groups. Over a year and a half ago we were hired by an old friend from high school who we played with in a local symphony years and years ago. I only knew him as an acquaintance really, my husband knew him longer. He is a fantastic conductor, inspiring, dynamic, fun… you get the picture.
I am a flirt by nature, and my husband knows this, so I acted how I always did. We chatted back and forth at rehearsals etc. I do not recall how it transpired, but one day we went to lunch with my husband’s permission/knowledge. We got along GREAT and just laughed and carried on as a couple friends would. I found myself feeling something I had only felt for my husband. It scared me, but I didn’t think much of it because he WAS attractive and he was talking about his serious girlfriend (who is not living in the same town as him… they have a long distance relationship).
Fast forward many months… we emailed, texted, and went to lunch every 6-8 weeks. I found myself trying to find ways to hear from him. Then… my family and he and his daughter got together and our house for dinner. Our girls are similar in age. They hit it off unbelievably. Now THEY want to see each other more often.
So the web is getting thicker… back in March things were getting “out of control”. Texting that crossed the line of what a married woman should be texting another man, I was emailing from my work email, but when going to lunch I always shared with my husband. He was beginning to see what was happening and he started to check my texts and emails. Now, nothing physically happened. But in hindsight I think it was getting close.
My husband and I talked and hashed things out. He does not want us to stop communicating/being with this friend of ours. He wants me to “move on” and refocus on our marriage. He does not want to lose a friendship. So I met with my friend and we talked about our mutual feelings, later wrote a letter to him, and he even talked with my husband. He told my husband that he has “no worries” because he does not want my husband to go through what he has gone through (divorce).
OK… hunky dorey… sounds great all fixed… right? My feelings are just all consuming and overwhelming at times!!! Mind you, through all of this my husband and I were having an INCREDIBLE sex life (I WAS NOT THINKING OF MY FRIEND). We continue to see this friend and his daughter and have even been camping with them. Our kids LOVE this guy and his daughter and my husband and him get along very well.
Here is where I am struggling… everything I have read says that the “offender” (me) finds something in the person they are emotionally attached to that they are not getting from their spouse. I can’t figure this one out!!! The only thing I can figure out is that this man is more self-confident, spontaneous, and reckless than my husband. How do I get my husband to work on those?!?! I have shared that with him and he is a little intimidated by that because “that’s not who he is”.
We have recently started our couple prayer time again and have shared our story with our pastor and some very close friends. I know not seeing him again would fix it, but I don’t foresee that happening. Every time I think of him, I pray to God to help me. We still text, but more about specifics with the girls and whatever we are doing. He is a GREAT FRIEND… and I have a GREAT HUSBAND… but I am not having GREAT feelings.
I am back on my anti-depressant and am working towards rekindling my prayer life. I feel so guilty and am having a hard time forgiving myself. My husband has been incredible throughout this. He has his moments, but on the whole he has been more forgiving and compassionate than I would have ever expected. I essentially am in love with two men… it is getting significantly better… but nonetheless I am working to fall out of love with one and become even MORE in love with the other.
Prayers from this group would be so appreciated… thank you for allowing me the opportunity to share my story.
(US) Hi, I have been reading this site quite often. I got into an affair with an ex-colleague about 7 months back. We both are happily married and are reasonably happy in our respective marital lives. Somehow, we never could realize what we got into. Texting, chatting talking – sharing, sharing problems etc. Ours is a different story. We are in different cities. But realized that this urge to be together/meet up is so strong (we met a couple of times), that getting physical had become a very strong need and if we don’t get physical – that charisma of curiosity, the unknown will never cease. Interestingly, we used to share the outcome, impact on future / on spouses etc. We decided on 2 things (that is, after clearly accepting that wrong is wrong – and we are into it – and we are determined to bring ourselves back on track) 1. last date to end the affair (gave it some 2 months) and then 2. get physical once (if possible within the deadline).
Before our planned date, we discussed also – that both of us were straying for the first time in the respective marriages – so we had mixed feelings. We did that and lived through the fantasy. Most of you will find it rude to read. But reality remains, God has made us like this (like all the other species on earth) – in core natural way – we desire and seek more mates. Of course, I am also a god loving person, but I reasoned it has to be a balance between nature and our set moral values. What is so natural cannot be so wrong.
I imagined my husband in my shoes and my reactions. I am honest – I think I would understand and give some time for recovery. Why do we still want to continue with marriage? It’s simply because it has so many more things – good things, kids, love & care for the spouse, respect for the togetherness and support during tough times. But what we are seeking out is not possible in the relationship which is decades old.
We parted ways on our decided date of about 6 months of having an affair. We decided to help each other when the other person feels weak and wants to contact back – by observing restraints. We spoke a couple of times. It is like 3 steps forward and 1 backward. But, look at this, if we completely say no – what we end up doing is faning air into the desire, which again pushes us into a state of limbo.
We are portraying the blogs that men are the ones who are using us – whereas that may not be correct thing to do – at least in general.
God made us sexual beings. He also wants to teach us restraint and control. Like all the other urges (of food, sleep), he wants us to learn control on sexual urges also. But that does not mean that we should sulk ourselves in so much of guilt by indulging in one odd affair. The key is to be aware of what you are doing, to act maturely and understand that you are hurting your spouse by breaking the trust.
It is so easier and tempting for me to go back to my husband and tell him my story. I believe that is like punishing my husband for something I did. I need to go thru the pangs of guilt, serious efforts in controlling my emotions, serious efforts in continually investing in my marriage, my kids, and my husband so that I don’t snatch away anything because of my wandering thoughts, actions.
I dont regret what I did, in a way it helped my relationship with my husband – as I started feeling more emotionally close, physically close simply because I became somewhat insecure that I might lose him. At the same time, I helped myself to fulfill my desires, satisfy my curiosity, and helped me connect with a great friend emotionally.
Did I hurt anyone? No (may be myself – yes because of the trauma of societal norms, your own set standards for yourself – “how can I do this?” types) So, lets not equate love/desires to murder and rape. If I would have chased men, I can understand the wrong in that. If something had happened without any bad intention of screwing anyone’s life, I can’t logically go and bury myself in the heaps and heaps of guilt. God is inside and god also gives us strength to move on. Right and wrong are all shades of grey. This is not about black and white. Situations, circumstances and lot of other things play their role.
I can tell you I read a lot on the topic for initial 2-3 months of turmoil I went thru.
First and foremost question I was searching for was – why it happened to me. I realized after reading so many blogs, sites, books – that this is universal. Then I wanted to understand – why it happens? I mean more on logical and technical grounds. Came across a web site – even bought the online books. I received immense insight. I shared the same with my affair partner also. He knew the struggle. We knew that at times, we end up speaking bad about our spouses – but that does not at all mean they are not good or we dont love them.
I feel another important point was – we made it pretty clear to each other – that first comes our personal lives (with respective families), then job, and then we to each other. We used to call each other timepass. So, I think it helps to bring the fantasy love to a simple attraction level and then deal with it. Depends upon us how we interact in this new relationship. Emma (not my real name though)
(CANADA) I am so glad to have found this site, because I have been in a similar situation like most of you, and I need support to stay strong. I have been married for 2 years, but I have been unhappy for these two years. My husband seems disconnected from the relationship, and he seems to always be pretending to be someone he isn’t. I feel like I don’t know who he is.
After we got married, I found out many lies he had told me, or had omitted from me. I also found out he was addicted to pornography (and, as a Christian and a Pastor, he has always condemned people who were into porn). I was devastated. Even though we almost got divorced, we managed to stay together… but I still feel our relationship is superficial.
Anyway, about 9 months ago, I met this guy at work, and we seemed to have really connected in a friendship level. Talking to him was always pleasant, but it stayed strictly at work settings, and I never really thought about him outside work, ever… our conversations kept getting more and more intimate. He would share a lot of his issues about his girlfriend, and I would give him advice… Then, I started trusting him more and started sharing my personal problems that I had been having with my husband… and he was always such a good listener, very supportive, he would even pray for me… I started admiring him so much, I would look forward to see him and hang out with him…
I thought it was still innocent, since we had not been close physically… after a while, he started telling me how perfect he thought I was, and if he wasn’t in a relationship, he would want to be with me. That triggered feelings in me, and I started to picture us together. I basically started to develop hope for a relationship with him, which was never there before… and he was very confused as well… but we didn’t want to lose our friendship, so we kept contact.
I then realized that I would be getting hurt by him, because he kept talking about his girlfriend, but at the same time, he would express to me how we were also a match, and I started to believe that. So I told him I had to tell my husband what was going on, in order to be able to stop seeing him. It didn’t help much. Once I told my husband, he didn’t give much importance, and I stared missing the other man terribly. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, I was in so much pain…. it was awful. But we stopped talking for a long time
Very unexpectedly we started talking again on the phone… and even though I was nervous about it, I would feel so happy to hear from him, nothing else mattered. We then finally met again, and all the feelings were still there, from both of us, even stronger than before. But we decided that we shouldn’t see each other again, since it wasn’t right… which I agree… but I want to contact him so bad it hurts. I don’t know how to go about fixing my marriage and being happy with my husband. I don’t know how I could even feel anything for him anymore.
I know this other man can’t give me what I really need, but I go through times that I just want to be with him so bad, that nothing else matters.
I know that if I do contact him, I will just hurt myself even more, but I don’t want to let him go. What should I do? Would it be ok to talk to him only once in a while, or would that just make things go back to where they were? I miss my friendship with him the most… it hurts… it’s painful. Please, anyone, any support?