“How can I get unhooked from an emotional affair?” There is not easy way, and it will involve a process of time. In that process, several practices are important. First of all, separation is important. The emphasis here is on abstinence and sobriety. You don’t indulge yourself with the other person’s presence. You must stop exposing yourself to this shared life experience. The contact is what keeps these feelings alive; you need to stop feeding the compulsion.
I hasten to add that you just can’t bury these feelings. Therefore, the next step is identification. What is the “something” this person touches inside you? What unmet need does he tap into? Sometimes the infidel can process this with a spouse or a same-sex friend, but other times that will need to be done with an experienced counselor who is committed to restoring the marriage.
My experience is that the longings that underlie infidelity go back to childhood; the infidel brings them with him or her into the marriage. They often were touched upon or satisfied in the initial phases of the relationship with the spouse, but over time have been buried by the crush of life’s responsibilities.
The next process is exposure. Don’t allow these longings and feelings to remain a secret. The longer an infidel allows these feelings to continue as a secret, the more he or she will idealize the person the feelings are attached to. Idealization means this partner becomes perfect, and as a result, no one else (e.g., the spouse) can measure up. The partner is beginning to be seen as “all good,” and therefore the infidel will have to see the marriage as “all bad.”
As mentioned earlier, if you encapsulate these feelings at this point, they will only lie dormant to be triggered again later. I usually encourage the infidel to share his feelings with his spouse, after seeking counsel. After all, the spouse has been involved in this story already (in that all affairs are a triangle, even if the spouse is unaware) and might as well know the secrets that are occurring in his/her marriage.
The next concept here is to journal. Write down the feelings you are experiencing in this rather involved and tortuous journey. Feelings don’t have to control an individual, but their influence is strongest when they are held in secret. The longings that have led to this emotional affair are a part of the childhood magic; journaling them gets them out into the open, into the adult realm.
The next step is displacement. Use this process in tandem with some of the other processes. Here you do something else in lieu of focusing on the partner. You can exercise, get involved in spiritual development, or take on different projects or hobbies. This is the “doing” part of healing.
The final idea is to grieve. Though this is extremely difficult for the spouse to observe, it is important and necessary. Many times this needs to start with a “good-bye” letter (written to the adulterous partner). Most infidels find this very painful to do. It seems so unnecessary initially, because (seemingly “nothing evil has happened,” since they didn’t have sex. Only after thorough processing, and the passage of time, will the infidel be able to look back and see how befuddled his/her thinking really was.
This is also a good time for the infidel to review his/her “loss history,” and this leads naturally to grieving. What other significant caregivers, friends, loved ones, or pets has the infidel lost that parallel the lost feelings in giving up the affair? The infidel will probably want to do this in private and only later will be able to share the depth of the experience with his spouse.
(A caution here: The depression is not about what you feel for the partner, but just what you are feeling, period. Keep the partner out of the equation-it will make it easier for your souse to listen to your feelings, and easier for you to connect with the feelings in your heart that need processing.)
The Healing Process
Neither your partner nor your spouse can release you from the emotional hook you’ve experienced. Many spouses caught in this kind of emotional affair have found portions of The Serenity Prayer helpful:
“Lord, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Be careful of changing the components around. Don’t try to change the things you cannot change-that will only lead to frustration and anger. On the other hand, don’t accept the things you should be changing—that will only lead to feelings of victimization, a sense of “What’s the use? I can’t lick this, so I might as well give in.”
Time, the healing process, always requires a backward look. Encouragement is not usually the result if you look to where you need to be, feel like you ought to be, or even want to be. You will see the feelings diminish as you look backward to where you were three, six or nine months ago.
Rebuild and concentrate on the lost relationships that contributed to the vacuum that the emotional affair filled. That could require quite a search on your part, some intense conversations (even confrontations) with people in your life, a lot of focused reading, and even some trips/visits to significant places in your childhood.
Enjoy the process and reschedule the experiences that made your marriage good in the first place. Here I encourage couples to each identify the “eight greats” of their marital experience. Independently, each spouse should identify the eight great experiences, or highlights, of their marital history, then decide together on five that they’d like to repeat. You see, shared history is a critical component of intimacy. Rare is the spouse who won’t join “the almost infidel” in this endeavor and experience recovery from close call. Why, most of us had close calls ourselves.
Some Cautions for the Infidel
Temptations do not an identity make. Some people struggle with the same temptation for years. For instance, just because someone wants to smoke again because he’s tempted doesn’t mean he’s a smoker. Don’t let the temptation to return to the partner shame you into feeling “What’s the use? I might as well give in. I’ll never be free of these feelings.”
Second, remember that in periods of high stress, difficult emotions, transition, and marital dullness, you will feel an increased desire to return to the partner or to renew thoughts of him/her. At times, infidels report that they have yearnings to think about this person just to see if the feelings are still “available” as in the days gone by. This “testing” is common to obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and the intent is to prove to oneself how far one has come in the recovery process.
Be careful—this process can begin to mimic the destabilization process of a Class 2 affair described in chapter 6. As mentioned there, such practices only intensify, rather than lessen, the attraction—and the hook goes much deeper.
Some Encouragement for the Spouse
First, remember that these longings were present in your spouse before you entered his or her life. You didn’t create them, and you probably can’t fully satisfy them.
Second, you did tap into those longings early in your relationship in some fashion. The longings were present in the initial feelings of what love is all about. For whatever reason, the infidel settled for the initial feelings of what love is all about and superficial satisfaction of those longings, versus deepening and maturing them. This is not your fault. Many times it is the result of a combination of circumstances: work, school, family, and so on. But the exciting thing is now you both can go deeper in your love for each other.
Last, both of you will eventually forget the partner. The memories of this experience will fade in the same way that a widow or widower forgets abut the loss of a god first marriage if the second marriage is a pleasant experience.
It is possible to rebuild after an emotional affair has been discovered. Work through these steps and you will make progress. This is the kind of stuff emotional intimacy is built on, and that is the key to any good marriage.
The above article comes from the excellent book, TORN ASUNDER - Recovery from Extramarital Affairs -By Dave Carder. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.” We highly recommend getting this book!
There are a couple of parts that especially stand out and set it apart from other resources. One in particular which is EXCELLENT is titled: “When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want You Back: The 90-Day Experiment.” We wish we could have put this portion of the book on our web site but it’s too long to be able to honor the author’s copyright privilege and it really can’t be shortened to do it justice. You really need to get the book to have this as well as the other helpful information.
(If you’re dealing with this problem and you can’t get this book in your country then please contact the publisher at the above web site and see if there’s something that can be arranged.)
They also have a section in it which includes a questionnaire that addresses: “Are You at Risk for an Affair?” It’s an excellent tool to identify personal growth areas for you and your spouse to discuss and develop and is designed to help evaluate personal history and lifestyle which parallels with those who have been involved in adultery. We were surprised by some of the questions and what can set people up to have an affair. It might help you too. This book is filled with many other great insights also!
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(CANADA) This is Meire again… I feel that I didn’t express myself well on how I feel… My connection with this other man was so strong, that I want to contact him so I can share with him my feelings, things that are new, that just happened… I would rather share my day with him, than to share anything with my husband.
Sometimes I want to contact him so he can pray for me… so he can give me some word of wisdom… I haven’t contacted him because I am afraid he will reject me, but the urge is always there. Sometimes I just want to text him and say “miss you”, and see if I get something back. I know I haven’t gone as far as other women, but how can I definitely end it now, before the pain just gets deeper and stronger?
(USA) Meire, As I read your letter, I sensed pain on so many levels. And where there is pain, there is often confusion and desperation to get away from the pain. I can well understand why your heart connected on to this other man. It makes human sense. You entered marriage thinking one thing and found out in reality, things were totally different. This would only naturally cause pain and confusion.
And for that, my heart goes out to you. How I wish things could have been different! Most any woman reading your story would probably feel the same. But whether we wish they were different or not, they aren’t. That is the reality of life — something that must be dealt with apart from fantasy.
You ask for help and "support" and so I will write what I perceive the Lord is leading me to say. Please pray about it. I will give you one woman’s side of what I see, but you need to hold it up to God’s light to see if He is speaking through my words.
Meire, you went from one fantasy of believing your husband was one thing and then found out differently. When this type of reality hits us in the face, as women, we often start looking for a different life situation to take it’s place. We aren’t even aware of it. It’s a type of Cinderella scenario and women are especially vulnerable to it. (Men are too, but it just takes on a different direction… women look for someone else to connect their hearts to because of the longing they have for "soul-mates" in the romantic sense.)
All of this left your heart open and unguarded. You wanted to better understand why your husband betrayed your trust after you had given your entire being to him as his wife. Even though you may not have realized it, your heart and mind went on the search. When you started talking to this man, you were in a vulnerable position — like a person drowning. You grabbed onto the first opportunity to escape drowning in the hurt of it all.
But Meire, whether or not this man MAY have been good for you at one time in your life or not, it doesn’t matter. He isn’t yours to consider. You are going from one fantasy… throw in a dose of reality, and then are rebuilding another upon another fantasy in your mind with this man — someone you shouldn’t consider no matter how wonderful he looks.
You are married to your husband. You made a commitment and God is the one you are to explore and HE will show you how to work WITHIN your marriage to live as you should. Even if right now your husband is damaged in what he can give back, that doesn’t mean that is who he will be and what will be happening in the future. Go with God on this… not the path that the enemy of our faith is tempting you to follow. This other man is "smoke and mirrors" — he is more unreal than real in your mind’s eye right now. And again, even if there is some good within him, he isn’t yours to explore.
I know that 2 years can seem like a lifetime to be married, but in the span of eternity, it’s just a beginning. Yes, it’s been a difficult beginning, but you need to give God and time and investing your energies into what you SHOULD be investing your energies into, your full attention instead of following more "smoke and mirrors" (as the enemy of our faith keeps putting before you).
I pray you are able to see what I am trying to say. You are addicted to what you believe love is, rather on what it really is. GOD is LOVE. Seek Him and His heart and His way of proceeding in your marriage and THEN you will truly know love. It’s less feeling and more doing.
It would be good for you to go into the "Surviving Infidelity" section and read the article "Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair". Afterward, read the comments. You will see the addiction you are dealing with (and even the one your husband is dealing with in a different way). Whether you have become physical yet with this man or not, what you are dealing with is an affair of the heart and mind. You need to flee. It will still be painful — very painful and difficult, but less painful and less damaging than if you allow yourself to go into this further soul tie.
Meire, all I can say is: "WARNING… WARNING… WARNING!!!" Do not go further into this fantasy world with this man. Invest your heart and soul into God and let Him be your guide in building your relationship deeper with HIM first, and then reinvesting your energies into your marriage.
See where God takes you rather than where the direction you are headed right now. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and HE will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6). I pray for you, I encourage you to flee from further temptation. I stand believing for you that if you go with God in this, you will eventually see that He is rescuing you from further hurt than you would have experienced if you go the direction you are headed right now. He wants to help you. He wants "to give you hope and a future" (read Jeremiah 29:11-13). I believe this for you and pray this over you.
I’m so glad you came to this web site and poured out your heart. I encourage you to pray and fast and flee temptation… and pray and fast and flee and learn from God. I encourage you to study marriage and study your husband. Go through this web site to read more about men and husbands and how to best approach them.
Become the woman of God who learns what she can and applies wisdom she has gained after she has sought it in the right places. "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down" (Proverbs 14:1).
I encourage you to read through the “"Pornography and Cybersex" section of our web site so you can see the tangled web your husband is caught up into… it could help you in your approach to your marriage. I pray it does.
I pray God will bless you as you "seek first His kingdom and his righteousness" (see Matthew 6:33-34). As you "ask, seek, and knock"… (please read Matthew 7), I pray a blessing for you as you build your home upon the "solid Rock" rather on shifting sand. May God go with you.
(CANADA) Dear Cindy, You have no idea how much everything you wrote me touched me in a spiritual way. I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to read my comment and respond to it. As I read it, it felt as if God was using you to talk to me, and it also showed me that He cares about what is going on, and if I seek Him, He will heal, restore, renew my life and possibly marriage. You know, after so much turbulence in my life, I felt as if my faith was becoming weaker and weaker… and the weaker I got, the more I looked for temporary fixes to help me with my pain.
I know this man is a temptation that I need to stay away from… I can also feel how hard satan is trying to destroy my life and marriage. The biggest issue I face now I believe, is to how to work on my marriage. When I wrote my first comment, I was 80% sure I would be getting divorced, not to be with the other man, but because I do not have any more strength to make things work with my husband. My heart doesn’t want to be with him, but my rational thought says that I have to. We have become so distant, that I see him as a bad person, very immature, passive aggressive, very disconnected. I wish he would move towards working in this marriage, instead of leaving everything up to me.
I know these feelings come from satan, but everything my husband does annoys me… I can’t stand the way he does anything at all. It is almost like I did the worst mistake of my life by marring him. The only reason I have stayed so far is the fact that even though my feelings tell me otherwise, I know God hates divorce, and I am aware that through Him we can all things… but how to even start???
I don’t feel needed by my husband… it is almost like the only reason he is with me is to have sex, and that is not even happening because I just can’t get close to him anymore in an intimate way. He doesn’t share anything with me, he doesn’t listen to what I feel about things, he is always plugged into the TV or computer, and he always want to have people around, tons of friends, which makes us even further apart. He is Christian as well, so I wish he would see these problems and come approach me… It seems that I am the only who always approach him, suggests things to change, and nothing lasts…
I am sorry about venting all this here. Cindy, I want you to know that your reply to me means so much. I feel that at least someone cares, which is hard to find in this world. And most of all, that God cares, even though I know how far I have become from him. I am so thankful for you to remind me that God is the only true Love, and he is the only one who can complete and fulfill our needs.
I will definitely read more articles on the site. This is an amazing site by the way. Thank you again for the caring, for the prayers, and for the wise words. That was what I needed to keep me seeking the Lord, and knowing that He is always there, we just need to look for Him. God bless you Cindy!
(USA) Meire- you are SOOOOO correct that Satan is doing all this to destroy your marriage. This is what I feel deep in my heart with my situation as well. I keep this at the forefront of my mind in every day I encounter. I tell my husband this every day when he is struggling about our relationship. I made a vow to my husband when we got married and it is FOR BETTER and FOR WORSE. This is the WORSE time and it takes FAITH and PRAYER to get through it. Satan wants you to “give in” and he will be very proud in his accomplishment if you do… remember that. He KNOWS it is hard and the temptation seems more than you can bear some days.
Believe me, I understand. I think everyone who has posted on here feels this. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to save your marriage… counseling, tell friends to help keep you accountable, pray every time you think of him… you can do this.
We all struggle every day, but we have to look to the Lord to help us through this. I think of the footprints in the sand poem and I have been being carried by the Lord since April to get through this. I know with His help and my husband’s love and support… it will happen.
(CANADA) Hi Rebecca: We have been on holidays so I’ve not checked this website during the past couple of weeks. I too feel like this man is in love with me. The emotions are incredibly strong and I fight them so hard! I saw him three times this week and had some short conversations. Of course the chemistry was all there. He took my son out with his son again – they are friends but I’m sure a lot of it is just to see me. I don’t believe he takes any of his son’s other friends out golfing so much. We have also seen each other through our son’s lacrosse. I’m not going to go this coming week so I don’t have to see him. The whole thing is intoxicating but also painful and there are hurt feelings which surface on both sides I know.
I hope you can resolve your feelings for Mr. DA. It will last for a long time, even if you don’t see him. My problem is I am going to have regular contact for a long time to come. How can I become emotionally indifferent? It is such a difficult struggle. I really want to focus on my marriage, kids and faith but this emotional affair just won’t seem to let me. I need to get on with living my life normally like I used to but I cannot. When you have time, I’d appreciate if you could comment Rebecca. Thanks a lot and I shall continue to pray and think about your situation.
(USA) First, Cindy, I was so blessed by reading your response to Meire. It seemed that God quickened to me the verse you quoted, “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down” (Proverbs 14:1). Wow, I’ve been living on that verse ever since I read it in what you wrote. I’m working very hard at building up my house. Although I still struggle with feelings and thoughts, it seems that God has really helped me over recent weeks, to lift my gaze upward and get my eyes back on the Prize.
He has been dealing with me about sacrifice and enduring hard things in order to gain heaven. If we think about it, the old timers from New Testiment times on up until recent history, believed in giving up all worldly pleasure in order to please God, and many faced persecution, imprisonment, and even death because they refused to back down. Nowadays, we feel we must be carried to the skies on flowery beds of ease. We feel entitled to pleasure and things that make us feel good. The ME philosophy affects our Christian walk, and if something feels good, we feel we have a right to it. On the opposite side of things, if something feels bad (like difficulties with a spouse), we feel that we don’t have to put up with it.
Little by little my thinking is changing. I have relapses, but God has blessed me richly with more distance between myself and this man, and with a change in my husband that I hope will last!
Elaine, and all of you who post here, remember that getting to heaven is not easy. Last week I listened to an Adventures in Odyssey radio drama of Pilgrim’s Progress. If you are familiar with this old book or any modernized version, you will remember the many dangers that Pilgrim went through to arrive at the Celestial City. Sometimes he got off the path and fell into the traps of the enemy, just like you and I have done, but with Bible reading and prayer and faith he was brought out and found victory over and over again. May we each one find our way back to the straight and narrow. May we learn to endure hardships in order to gain eternal life. May we someday look back on this time in our lives and give glory to God for all we have learned through this experience and for helping us to escape!
(INDIA) Emotional abuse frequently comes in the type of a massive enclose. It consists of a range of behaviors intended at beating the feeling and the heart of the sufferer so as to achieve effectual control over partner. The diverse features of emotional abuse are loneliness, verbal abuse and financial abuse. Several times the abuser attempts to publicly isolate the partner so as to make him/her reliant on himself/herself for his/her essential societal requirements and aspirations. Find more information about the emotional abuse side effects on this site. http://www.marriage-counselors.net/couples-problems/Emotional-Abuse-in-Marriage-Relationship.htm
(CANADA) Ever since my last post, I have experience the power of God, and how much strength and encouragement He can give us and we ask for it. First, I made a decision to “flee” from my E. A., as Cindy suggested. Even though it was hard, I now can barely remember what it was like to have feelings for the other man. I feel a sense of freedom of going through my days without any thoughts or feelings keeping me with that sense of imprisonment and distraction from the things that I should be truly focused on, such as you family!
Thanks Heather for writing and giving me strength through your words, that we marry for the better and FOR THE WORSE… I took that to heart… Once I felt free from the E. A. (and for those who feel that the feelings won’t go away, trust me, they eventually fade if you stop feeding them and realize that it is more of a fantasy of the mind, then anything else), my marriage was still at an awful stage. I did a lot of talking to my husband, but it seemed to me that the more I said, the worse he got. I even suggested doing a series for couples to try strengthen our marriage. My husband agreed, but he was upsetting me so much, that I didn’t even feel like starting it.
One day, I had decided that it was enough, I was definitely done with my marriage. So I prayed to God that night, and I said to Him that I had no more forces to stay. I also said that I didn’t believe that the my marriage was His will in the first place, it was a mistake we both made, and we were paying the price. At the end of the prayer, I said to God: “God, if it is your will that I stay in this marriage, give me a sign. I ask you Lord that my husband will take the initiative for us to start the series, and will approach me in order to do so”. I ended the prayer and decided to watch some TV, since he was playing video games (which he usually plays for hours every night) … I then totally forgot about the prayer while watching TV. Half an hour later, my husband comes to the bedroom holding the video series in his hands, and asks me if I WANTED TO START IT THE NEXT DAY!!! When that happened, I couldn’t believe!! I smiled and even started to laugh and said “yes, of course”! Then he left the room.
Once he left, I was in tears! I didn’t expect God to give me an answer so quickly! Right in that moment I felt the peace of God. I didn’t feel alone any more. I know He heard my prayer, had given me the confirmation I needed to stay marriage and work on my marriage!! I also felt peace knowing that He is in control!! and God cares!! This is the conformation I needed and because God is sooo good, He gave it to me! I am so happy!! I wasn’t expecting that to come that fast, even at all! It was the first time after a long time that I knew God was clearly talking to me!!
Things have been getting so much better in my home! We have started the series, and we are working towards having the relationship we never had. Things didn’t change automatically, but I changed my attitude. I now have placed all my worries into God’s hands. I no longer worry that my marriage will be how it had been forever, but there is a reason it is the way it is now, and one of the reasons is that God is pruning us, making us better people, and increasing my faith in Him!
I am so thankful for everything, I felt the need to share my testimony here!! For the first time in a long time I feel the peace and joy that only comes from our LORD! Thank you all also for caring and all the thoughtful words. It was the key start that I needed, the support I needed to even start the change! This is an amazing website, and I hope I can also be an encouragement for other women that are in similar situations, and may be feeling hopeless now. I was there once, but if you trust the Lord, and have good support, that is definitely not a place you will stay forever.
(USA) I’m dealing with the exact same thing so many of you all are dealing with, but how can I stay away when the one-sided Emotional Affair is with my Pastor?
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) Hi, my husband has been involved in an emotional affair for 2 months now. His affair has totally affected the whole family. He has now asked me for a divorce. He said I have totally sucked the life out of him and this new person is a breath of fresh air compaired to me. We have been together 20 yrs. My husband has a history of this type of stuff with other women, but this is the first one that has gone this far.
We have gone to counseling and we were on the right tract trying to get our marriage back in order when the other woman contacted him thru the internet. The other woman is someone he used to date 30 yrs ago. My husband is 51. The woman is divorced and she had a boyfriend of 12 years that has left her. She contacted my husband and apologized for dumping him 30 years ago and going back to her husband. The emails she sent my husband were very clear in what she was wanting. She asked him to call her behind my back; she would remind him of the times they used to spend together. Then she gave him her phone number and told him to call her because somehow she couldnt just see them as being friends. This woman clearly wanted to break up our marriage even thoe she knew we still have kids at home.
I have tried to talk to my husband about all this told him that this woman does not love him and does not respect him, that this affair will not last, and he will end up losing everything he worked so hard for including his family. Our kids are upset, we have 2 grown kids still at home and then our youngest one is 15 and he is the one most affected by it.
My husband and her are in constant contact all thru the day. They text one minute after the other to each other, and this usally starts right after I leave for work. The txting is crazy because it is just that one minute after the other. This goes on day after day. Then he will call her in between. I dont know how he gets any work done. He is also having phone sex with her and is sending pics of himself to her and she is probably doing the same.
I no longer sleep in the same room with him. He is so wrapped up around her, that he won’t listen to anybody and specificly not me. He is so caught up with her that he talks and texts her in front of my youngest kid. He has even tried to convince my youngest son that he might like her and that she is a lot of fun. He calls and texts her at our friends houses.
Its been hard on me because I see this for what it really is. She is a very controlling and manipulating woman. He is seeing the constant texting as a way of her showing love for him. But I see it as a controlling measure to insure he doesn’t talk to anyone else, and he doesn’t. She is looking for a meal ticket, and doesn’t care how she gets it.
I am now at a loss as to what to do. My husband knows this is wrong but the attraction and attention he is getting from her is very strong and addicting. I don’t think he will give her up. He’s in love with her, and I’m trash. What do you think? I don’t think he will go back to counseling.