“How can I get unhooked from an emotional affair?” There is not easy way, and it will involve a process of time. In that process, several practices are important. First of all, separation is important. The emphasis here is on abstinence and sobriety. You don’t indulge yourself with the other person’s presence. You must stop exposing yourself to this shared life experience. The contact is what keeps these feelings alive; you need to stop feeding the compulsion.
I hasten to add that you just can’t bury these feelings. Therefore, the next step is identification. What is the “something” this person touches inside you? What unmet need does he tap into? Sometimes the infidel can process this with a spouse or a same-sex friend, but other times that will need to be done with an experienced counselor who is committed to restoring the marriage.
My experience is that the longings that underlie infidelity go back to childhood; the infidel brings them with him or her into the marriage. They often were touched upon or satisfied in the initial phases of the relationship with the spouse, but over time have been buried by the crush of life’s responsibilities.
The next process is exposure. Don’t allow these longings and feelings to remain a secret. The longer an infidel allows these feelings to continue as a secret, the more he or she will idealize the person the feelings are attached to. Idealization means this partner becomes perfect, and as a result, no one else (e.g., the spouse) can measure up. The partner is beginning to be seen as “all good,” and therefore the infidel will have to see the marriage as “all bad.”
As mentioned earlier, if you encapsulate these feelings at this point, they will only lie dormant to be triggered again later. I usually encourage the infidel to share his feelings with his spouse, after seeking counsel. After all, the spouse has been involved in this story already (in that all affairs are a triangle, even if the spouse is unaware) and might as well know the secrets that are occurring in his/her marriage.
The next concept here is to journal. Write down the feelings you are experiencing in this rather involved and tortuous journey. Feelings don’t have to control an individual, but their influence is strongest when they are held in secret. The longings that have led to this emotional affair are a part of the childhood magic; journaling them gets them out into the open, into the adult realm.
The next step is displacement. Use this process in tandem with some of the other processes. Here you do something else in lieu of focusing on the partner. You can exercise, get involved in spiritual development, or take on different projects or hobbies. This is the “doing” part of healing.
The final idea is to grieve. Though this is extremely difficult for the spouse to observe, it is important and necessary. Many times this needs to start with a “good-bye” letter (written to the adulterous partner). Most infidels find this very painful to do. It seems so unnecessary initially, because (seemingly “nothing evil has happened,” since they didn’t have sex. Only after thorough processing, and the passage of time, will the infidel be able to look back and see how befuddled his/her thinking really was.
This is also a good time for the infidel to review his/her “loss history,” and this leads naturally to grieving. What other significant caregivers, friends, loved ones, or pets has the infidel lost that parallel the lost feelings in giving up the affair? The infidel will probably want to do this in private and only later will be able to share the depth of the experience with his spouse.
(A caution here: The depression is not about what you feel for the partner, but just what you are feeling, period. Keep the partner out of the equation-it will make it easier for your souse to listen to your feelings, and easier for you to connect with the feelings in your heart that need processing.)
The Healing Process
Neither your partner nor your spouse can release you from the emotional hook you’ve experienced. Many spouses caught in this kind of emotional affair have found portions of The Serenity Prayer helpful:
“Lord, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Be careful of changing the components around. Don’t try to change the things you cannot change-that will only lead to frustration and anger. On the other hand, don’t accept the things you should be changing—that will only lead to feelings of victimization, a sense of “What’s the use? I can’t lick this, so I might as well give in.”
Time, the healing process, always requires a backward look. Encouragement is not usually the result if you look to where you need to be, feel like you ought to be, or even want to be. You will see the feelings diminish as you look backward to where you were three, six or nine months ago.
Rebuild and concentrate on the lost relationships that contributed to the vacuum that the emotional affair filled. That could require quite a search on your part, some intense conversations (even confrontations) with people in your life, a lot of focused reading, and even some trips/visits to significant places in your childhood.
Enjoy the process and reschedule the experiences that made your marriage good in the first place. Here I encourage couples to each identify the “eight greats” of their marital experience. Independently, each spouse should identify the eight great experiences, or highlights, of their marital history, then decide together on five that they’d like to repeat. You see, shared history is a critical component of intimacy. Rare is the spouse who won’t join “the almost infidel” in this endeavor and experience recovery from close call. Why, most of us had close calls ourselves.
Some Cautions for the Infidel
Temptations do not an identity make. Some people struggle with the same temptation for years. For instance, just because someone wants to smoke again because he’s tempted doesn’t mean he’s a smoker. Don’t let the temptation to return to the partner shame you into feeling “What’s the use? I might as well give in. I’ll never be free of these feelings.”
Second, remember that in periods of high stress, difficult emotions, transition, and marital dullness, you will feel an increased desire to return to the partner or to renew thoughts of him/her. At times, infidels report that they have yearnings to think about this person just to see if the feelings are still “available” as in the days gone by. This “testing” is common to obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and the intent is to prove to oneself how far one has come in the recovery process.
Be careful—this process can begin to mimic the destabilization process of a Class 2 affair described in chapter 6. As mentioned there, such practices only intensify, rather than lessen, the attraction—and the hook goes much deeper.
Some Encouragement for the Spouse
First, remember that these longings were present in your spouse before you entered his or her life. You didn’t create them, and you probably can’t fully satisfy them.
Second, you did tap into those longings early in your relationship in some fashion. The longings were present in the initial feelings of what love is all about. For whatever reason, the infidel settled for the initial feelings of what love is all about and superficial satisfaction of those longings, versus deepening and maturing them. This is not your fault. Many times it is the result of a combination of circumstances: work, school, family, and so on. But the exciting thing is now you both can go deeper in your love for each other.
Last, both of you will eventually forget the partner. The memories of this experience will fade in the same way that a widow or widower forgets abut the loss of a god first marriage if the second marriage is a pleasant experience.
It is possible to rebuild after an emotional affair has been discovered. Work through these steps and you will make progress. This is the kind of stuff emotional intimacy is built on, and that is the key to any good marriage.
The above article comes from the excellent book, TORN ASUNDER - Recovery from Extramarital Affairs -By Dave Carder. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.” We highly recommend getting this book!
There are a couple of parts that especially stand out and set it apart from other resources. One in particular which is EXCELLENT is titled: “When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want You Back: The 90-Day Experiment.” We wish we could have put this portion of the book on our web site but it’s too long to be able to honor the author’s copyright privilege and it really can’t be shortened to do it justice. You really need to get the book to have this as well as the other helpful information.
(If you’re dealing with this problem and you can’t get this book in your country then please contact the publisher at the above web site and see if there’s something that can be arranged.)
They also have a section in it which includes a questionnaire that addresses: “Are You at Risk for an Affair?” It’s an excellent tool to identify personal growth areas for you and your spouse to discuss and develop and is designed to help evaluate personal history and lifestyle which parallels with those who have been involved in adultery. We were surprised by some of the questions and what can set people up to have an affair. It might help you too. This book is filled with many other great insights also!
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(US) I am in this situation, trying to figure out what to do. I have been married for 12 years to a man 16 years older than me. Recently, I got in touch with an old boyfriend, one that I hadn’t seen or heard from in 13 years. I was with him for a year. Our relationship was great. Because I was young and immature, I ended it. I have regreted it for 13 years. I always wondered what happened to him. I always carried these feelings for him. They never went away.
So you can imagine the excitement I felt when we got in touch again. We would text each other and talk for hours. There was a level of flirtation, but because we are both married we tried to keep it at a minimum. Well, I have been struggling with this for a few months. I am a Christian woman, and I know it’s wrong. But somehow I can’t bear losing him again. I have cut off contact with him. But that longing hasn’t gone away. I think about him constantly.
I don’t want to pursue this relationship any longer. I love my husband and my children. I don’t want to lose them. How do I get through this? Do I tell my husband? How do I find forgiveness and peace? I love the Lord Jesus with all my heart. I am struggling with comdemnation… I just want to get through this… please help.
(CANADA) Hi Marie: I have been involved in an emotional affair for almost two years. I feel very torn between my husband and the other man. The chemistry is so strong between us and he still has not made the “big” move but I think it will come eventually. I’ve written here several times during the past year or so. I have regular contact because of our childrens’ friendship and sports.
As for your situation, I think the only thing you can do is break contact if you feel that your marriage is important to you. This is very difficult – I’ve tried a couple of times and have failed. The emotional affair is like an addiction and it’s so difficult to stop it. I think in the long run it would be devastating to lose your husband, children and life as you know it. These strong feelings of affection may not be lasting. As Christians we know this is morally wrong and that it goes against what the Bible teaches us. Pray about it and I’ll pray for you. You have to really want to end it. I sympathize – it’s not an easy road. Elaine
(CANADA) Hi Rebecca: I am posting here for the second time in a couple of days. I wanted to know how you are doing. Have you been in contact with Mr. DA? I would imagine the feelings of affection for him have continued. I also wanted to know how it’s going with your husband and if he is treating you well.
My emotional affair has been very difficult with Paul. We have had lots of contact as we are on the same soccer team this year and our sons’ friendship has continued. My feelings of affection have only grown stronger – I have been very careful how I behave, relate to him and even how I place my body when he stands near me. Sometimes his wife is there and she really dislikes me. My friend Lynda has noticed his feelings/behavior towards me as her son plays soccer too. It is a difficult situation, I’ve prayed about it and cannot break free. I’d like to hear from you. Elaine
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear Elaine, I have read your posts and my heart goes out to you. However, without sounding judgemental; from what I have read in your posts, to me you do not sound like you really want to stop this affair… Do you? The reason I say this is because you have been in this affair for two years now and you have not made any effort to stop seeing him. Can you honestly say that you do not enjoy your son’s friendship with his son? Do you go to your son’s matches to take a glimpse of him?
I believe you can be creative and try to avoid him even though you live in a small town and even though your sons are friends. You can go with your husband to your son’s matches for one; you can sit/stand far from this man, avoid eye contact, let your husband take your son to the golf trips and not take him yourself so that you can avoid the “firecrackers” and “sparks”. Also you can make sure you talk about your husband –especially when he is around, only talk about his good characteristics and about how much you just adore him to make this other man loose interest in you.
If you want to be drastic to save you marriage, which by the way, is the most important relationship you have in the world, you can even move to another town or even to another state. Please do anything you can do to save your family and this man’s family from grief and agony.
Please remove your husband and this man’s wife from this misery that they do not deserve. I know that it is difficult for you to stop and you might even be enjoying this man’s attention as I suspect, but trust me, your poor husband and this man’s wife are not having fun at all. Please, please, please leave this situation before it destroys innocent lives.
(CANADA) Hi TS: I really do appreciate your comments and the fact that you took the time to read my posts. I’ve not gone into much detail about the interventions that I have tried. My husband is there at all the games – he is also friends with the other man. I have three moms that I converse with and stand with. He always finds a way to stand near me. I NEVER approach him.
I have tried avoidance, not making eye contact, and keeping any necessary conversations brief. I do not linger when I see him at events and have stood or sat close to my husband on several occasions – even putting my arm around him. That has not worked. The other man is still interested. I do not make the playdates – he does. Thanks for you comments. I have talked to my girlfriends about this. Elaine
(USA) Elaine, and all who post here, It’s good to see some action on this thread. I hadn’t been on for 2 or 3 weeks for various reasons. One– because there hadn’t been any activity since September, and two–sometimes I just stick my head in the sand and pretend that none of this is happening!
A few weeks ago I found out that Mr. DA had asked a colleague of mine out for coffee. She is in a committed relationship and did not accept, but somehow that actually seemed to be beneficial in that the magic faded a bit for me. Nevertheless, the very next week, he walked up to me in front of a court clerk and asked for my phone number and e-mail, so that I can “help” him with Spanish language letters that he has to write for the DA’s office at times. (He is bi-lingual but not educated in Spanish.) It would have been a big scene, as there were several people around, to refuse to give him my number, so I gave him my desk phone and work e-mail– no personal info.
He has not called or sent me anything and its been about 3 weeks. He continues to wink at me and wave discretely whenever I happen to go to the courtroom that he is working in, but thank God, somehow it does not affect me quite as much as before, just knowing that he is actively inviting other women out. I am not saying that it does not affect me at all, but I feel that it is less. I just keep praying and reading the Word and being as involved as possible at church and God has promised me that I will get me to the other side of this if I will just trust in Him. As I said before, I cannot control my feelings, but I can control my actions. I wish I could get away from him altogether, but no doors have opened up for me work anywhere else.
Elaine, you asked about my husband. Well, its up and down. Sometimes he is very loving and sweet and other times he ignores me for days on end. For the most part, he is never mean or abusive. I just get so lonely and desperate when he spends evening after evening– from the time I get home from work until after I fall asleep at 10:30 or 11:00–lost in the TV. I told him recently, in the most respectful, tender way I could, how I feel, and he actually did not turn on the TV for two days, but since then I haven’t been able to break into his reverie for anything. Oh well, it will be worth it all, when we get home. God bless and keep posting.
(CANADA) Hi Rebecca: It was great hearing from you. It sounds like you are managing the emotional affair and working at your marriage relationship. I think that your marriage is a difficult one for you.
I have been to see a counsellor this week as I really felt that I needed professional help with this problem. She said that usually people come to see her after the affair has gotten physical so I am somewhat unusual because I have sought help before the “act.” She has given me some constructive advice on how to connect better with the husband. We need to go out on more dates and she also suggested the “sandwich technique” whereby you 1) tell them positive things about the relationship 2) give them the “challenge” 3) then tell them some more positive things about the relationship. She suggested dating 2/per month. I don’t think we’ll be able to manage that but at least once a month would be great. I feel like I am being more proactive. I shall visit the counsellor again in Jan.
I have been ignoring the other man lately. He is very mad at me as you might guess. I can tell that he still looks at me when he sees me. The other night he was not paying attention to his coaching at all because he was looking at me all the time. I really do feel that I am in love with this man. The feelings rush into my mind constantly. I know that I really need to be strong about this and “get over it.” He has touched something in me that my husband could not. I’m not sure what to do about our kids’ friendship. My plan is not to make any attempt for them to see each other. This is the most difficult problem I’ve ever encountered. Elaine
(USA) I have a PRAYER REQUEST!!! As you know, I have been posting here over a long period of time, battling an emotional affair that crept up on me by surprise 2 years ago. I took a real tumble for a man at my work place, and have been trying to get through this on the right side ever since. Well, there is currently a position open in another office here in town for someone with my certification and qualifications, so I have applied. Please pray that if it is God’s will for me to change jobs, and by so doing, distance myself from “Mr. DA,” that I will be selected from among the applicants.
Right now, things are going well at home, and I have hardly seen Mr. DA at all over the last 3 weeks, but I have learned that both things are cyclical, and it would be so much better not to have to see him ever again. I would miss him, but that’s ok. My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together, because his weekend job has ended until spring. Our finances are a wreck, but our relationship is really strong right now. Please, if anyone finds time to pray for us and about my job application, I would deeply appreciate it. Hugs and prayers to all at this Christmas time!
(CANADA) Hi Rebecca and those who read my posts: I am happy to report that things have improved since I last posted here. I have seen a really great counsellor two times now. She has given me some really constructive suggestions regarding the other man and my husband. I am learning to focus more on the husband and to be more in tune with the needs in our relationship. We are both paying more attention to the relationship and spending time talking. The other man continues to be persistent and I still have to see him.
My feelings have not left but I am dealing with this and will continue to receive counseling. I am also keeping a journal which I find really helps. The other man has never come clean with his true feelings and that’s what helps me to see that this relationship must not go anywhere.
I hope you will take this new job, Rebecca, for it will help if you don’t have to see him. They are easier to forget when there is some distance. Let me know what is happening in your situation. Elaine
(US) I have been in an extramarital affair for one year now. I am trying to break it off, but it is difficult. I love my husband but feel a strong emotional attachment to this guy. It started at the gym and he and I just started to talk. Nothing more, or so I thought. I did not realize my feelings until the end of last year. This year has been difficult, as I thought he would transfer to another job or out of the country (which would have ended the whole thing) but the two jobs he applied for did not go through, and he is still here.
I met with him to discuss how he feels about his relationship (25 yrs married and two grown kids). He does not want to have a physical relationship with me and feels he cares too much about me for that. But he does not seem to see how l attached I am to him. He gave some great examples of how he feels about me and has stated Jesus would not have wanted us to break our vows (in so many words). I am upset and actually spoke to him about breaking off contact altogether at the gym since I have such a strong emotional attachment to him. He did not respond to my last couple of emails and now I feel all alone in this mess.
(USA) Elaine, and all who visit here. A lot has happened since I last wrote on Dec. 15. Oddly enough, the federal position I applied for must have been eliminated before the interviewing stage ever came around. No one that applied for the position ever heard from them after the closing date of Dec. 31. However… Mr. DA landed a federal atty position in that courthouse, starting in mid February. Strange how things work out! So he is gone. Although the Fed. courts are just across the street, it is very possible that I will never see him again. The building is like a tomb… underground parking, no signs of life from the outside.
Before he left, he contacted me, asking me for an e-mail address for a new co-worker of mine. I gave it to him and he asked her out, taking her to lunch the last week he was here. I don’t know what that was all about, but in spite of the fact that my feelings for him had greatly dwindled, I cannot deny that I was angry and jealous deep inside.
I saw him on his next to last day, and he came and leaned against my arm and told me goodbye. I’m ashamed to say, but I’ve missed him so badly these weeks since he left. At the same time, I’m so glad he’s gone so I can go on and continue to re-construct my life without him.
My marriage is going well! My husband has started going to church all the time and has changed in other ways as well. He is much more involved with the family– accompanying us to birthday parties, etc. It’s marvelous. Pray that it continues!!! I’m praying that I will feel passion and deep love for him, as he now deserves it more than ever, and I know that it’s God’s will for us. Thanks for your prayers My spiritual life is improving phenominally, too!
Katie, hang in there. It’s a long painful process, but doing what Jesus wants us to do will reap great rewards in the end. Hugs
(USA) I have been married for 1 1/2 years. We have been together since 2003. I found out in January that my husband has been having an emotional affair with two women. One he works with, the other woman is his children’s mother. I confronted him several times but he denied it until I got proof. My husband was talking on the phone to these women and spending time with them. I still do not know how he managed to do this because when he gets off work he does not go anywhere. He rarely went anywhere on the weekends.
We started counseling but I still feel he is still doing the same thing. He said me he told them that he wants this marriage to work and it’s over between them. I feel that if he has to be in contact with these women I should have been there because I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or not. Our problems in this marriage evolves around his children’s mother.
At the beginning of this marriage we had issues because they were talking throughout the day while he was at work. He said their boys have alot of promblems and he has to talk to them to get them going for the day. I talked to both of them about this and it ended for a while. Now he’s doing the same thing again but with another woman added to it. I mean he was talking to them about our problems. It is all on tape.
He was telling the woman he works with that he misses spending time with her and the other that he loves her and making plans to go to her home on the weekend. Of course I nipped that in the bud real quick. I sent the kids to my parents for the weekend and I snapped. We are trying to get past this but it’s really hard and if he’s still doing this I don’t know if we can work this out. If I can get some type of reply on what to do it would really help a lot. I am so tired of hurting. I read my Bible and pray that everything will work out for the best because he is a good husband but he has a couple of flaws.
(CANADA) Hi Tameko, Rebecca and Katie: It was good to read your posts. I have been in the emotional affair for two years now and it’s not getting any easier. Tameko, I think the only way the husband can focus on the marriage is to minimize or eliminate contact with these women – but he has to want to do that. Also, the counselling can be helpful in getting you two to head in the right direction in the marriage. I found it helpful to talk to my girlfriends about this too.
Rebecca, I’m glad your marriage is going well. It really helps everything if you two can connect well. I do, however, suspect that you’ll still see Mr. DA if he just works across the street; he will make it convenient for you two to bump into each other. Also, that lunch thing with the other woman – I think he was trying to make you jealous.
Katie, I did find the counselling was helpful. I was able to get my feelings out and she helped me see what really was important. The emotional affair is a very powerful thing and it feels like an addiction – I still have to see him because of our kids’ friendship and their activities and the avoidance which I have tried many times has not worked. He always finds a way for us to have contact. He continues to be really interested in me and I have strong feelings for him. But I can also see how important the marriage relationship is and the faith in God really does help. I am coping and handling myself well but it is very difficult. I wish you all the best – let me know what is happening in your situations. Elaine