Just as all the hard work has been done and we are ready to go on pension my husband has left me for a woman (an ex-girlfriend of teenage years) he met on “face book”. He wants a divorce. Please pray for me. If I can help at least one person not to “go there” I will feel some degree of happiness. Keep strong. Love you guys. God bless.

My emotional affair has continued and I HAVE to be in contact with this man – I have avoided him, sent my husband to events where he will be but he always finds a way to have contact. I’m getting kind of used to this. I have been proactive with dates with my husband, visits with the counsellor, prayer, journaling and talking to my girlfriends. Still, the other man is never far from my mind. I feel firm in my resolve not to cross that physical line – the emotional line was crossed a long time ago.

I also think to myself that there are 6 other people involved in this – his wife and 2 children and my husband and 2 children. They would all be devastated if I would cross that line. To all of you who experience this “burden”, my heart and soul goes out to you. It really is the most difficult thing to go through in one’s life and it affects all around you too. Katie, I really do wish you all the best in your situation and Rebecca too. Have you seen Mr. DA lately? Love and prayers to all. Elaine

Katie, I don’t know if you have experienced a personal relationship with God? The principle thing that has kept me from making shipwreck of my life and the lives of my family, was my absolute love for the presence of God. I have experienced such depth of His mighty presence in my life and it is my greatest delight. This emotional affair dimmed and tainted that relationship. It felt as though there was an obstruction in the flow of communication between God and me. It was like a lunar eclipse-as though something was trying to block out the light of God’s love and grace. Don’t misunderstand-God was right there, carrying me, loving me, forgiving me, but everytime I prayed, everytime I went to church, everytime I read His Word, there was this big obstruction rearing its ugly head, robbing me of my joy. Katie, if you are not involved in God’s Word already, start reading it everyday. It is full of strength and wisdom for sinners like us! Search for His presence, willfully opening up your heart’s door to Him. He is there, knocking, waiting. He loves you more than you can imagine. When He offered up His own body in that once-for-all sacrifice for sin on Calvary, His streaming blood covered your and my sin, but we must avail ourselves of His atonement, wash ourselves clean in that precious stream, and flee sin and the situations that cause us to fall.

You know, although I still struggle with thoughts and feelings and longings, it was when I made a firm decision that I was going to DO the right thing, that the obstruction that was eclipsing the light of God’s presence began to roll back Now I don’t spend my whole time at church feeling guilty. I have chosen to DO what’s right and I have been watching the feelings for this man dwindle over time. I know that they will eventually go away altogether. I can truthfully say that God has restored the joy of my salvation!

God bless you all. Strength and courage to each one.

Whenever we try to break free from any type of addictive behavior — one which has us caught up into the pull of it all, there is an enormous struggle involved — that which is beyond what we recognize. As the Bible says in Ephesians 6:12, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” So, not only is your struggle one in which you are fighting your own feelings and emotions, there are forces working against you to try to get you to STAY in this dark place and drag others down with you.

Katie, all I can tell you is to pray, pray, pray. And then grit it out with God’s help to NOT put yourself in a place where you can fall. As the Bible says, we are to “FLEE” from temptation, not put ourselves within its grip. You don’t put your head into the mouth of a hungry lion and then expect it not to bite down. It’s going to happen eventually… you can count on it.

If you’re addicted to drugs, you don’t go to a party or someone’s house where others are participating. If you’re addicted to alcohol, you don’t go to a bar or a liquor store with money in your pocket. If you’re addicted to food, you don’t go into an open kitchen or be with those who will feed your addiction.

In the same way Katie, if you want to stay away from this man, you CAN’T, SHOULDN’T, and DON’T go into a car with him or contact him. Don’t “meet” with him — in person or any other way. Become unavailable to fall. This will only put yourself into the mouth of a hungry lion. You FLEE… you run AWAY from being with him. You don’t allow yourself to be anywhere that would put you together alone. Wrong behavior happens in privacy… in the dark, in some way. If he tries to contact you, you run the other way (just as Joseph did as the Bible tells us, when his employer’s wife grabbed at him to have sex).

It will be the most difficult thing you’ve ever had to do because your mind and emotions will play with you wondering this, imagining that, desiring this, longing for that. You’ll think not only about your own loneliness, but about his feelings and his response to this… but don’t even allow yourself to go there. This is for HIS good, as well as your own. If he’s not going to be the hero here and stop this wrong behavior, you need to be the one. If he truly cared about you, he wouldn’t put you in this place.

Just as Rose said in her response to you, if nothing else will work to stop you, consider the innocent people involved here. You don’t live on an island world. Others, who don’t deserve this, will be torn apart by your giving in.

My family has been through this. My Dad committed adultery. It forever changed our world and discolored the way each of us kids looked at it from that point on. Eventually my brother got into drugs and drinking and has since lost his life to it. It all started the day he/we found out about my Dad’s adultery. And I can’t even begin to tell you what it did to my sister and me and our outlook on sexual issues, plus my other brother and the way it has tainted his growing up and adult years. I could go on and on, but oh how I wish someone would have been the hero to have stopped the affair before it devastated our home.

If you’re not strong enough to do this on your own, find a friend who will help you if you’re tempted — an accountability partner, if you will. Just as alcoholics need others to talk them out of taking a drink, you may need someone to talk you out of meeting up with this man in every way, shape, and form, until the temptation is over and done with. Ask your friend to love you enough to help you in dragging you off this destructive path. I hope you will. I pray for you Katie, that you will lean upon the Lord and others to help you win this battle. I pray victory for you!

It will not be long if you continue in this fashion that you WILL have sex with him and WILL have to live with the consequences. Has HE got a family? Have you considered THEM at all? Divorce is devastating, take it from me. You seem to be a good person and know the difference between right and wrong. STOP AND WALK AWAY NOW before it’s too late. Draw on God for strength and the time and effort you are putting into this affair, change, and put the same effort into your marriage. May God bless you in your choice to do what is RIGHT and not what you KNOW IS WRONG. This can and will determine your happiness and future.

We almost had sex in his car and that would have been awful. I felt so trashy after that meeting with him. I would appreciate any and all input.

You may not have had sex with the guy. But that really doesn’t matter. If you are sharing things with him you wouldn’t share with your husband, then you betrayed your husband.

It sounds like you are minimizing your part and shifting blame to your husband. When you wrote, “If things were good in my marriage, the emotional affair never would have happened.” That’s the same sort of justification folks use when they have sex with someone who isn’t their spouse. They say things like, “If things were good in the sex department with my husband, I wouldn’t have had sex with that other guy…” It’s a blame shift.

If the marriage was bad, it wasn’t all your husband’s fault. You are right, it takes two, either way. If the marriage was bad, it was the contributions of TWO people to make it bad. If the marriage is going to get good, it’s going to take TWO people changing the way they approach the marriage.

So it’s not ONLY about your husband getting it. Seems to me you have as much to get as well. If nothing more than being honest with your husband and putting in place appropriate boundaries and protections so that you flee the temptations of the emotional affair, of the blame shifts, and I’m sure others can point out more behaviors you choose that are damaging to your affair. Your husband is not the only one who has to get it. You need to get it too, based on what I’ve read from you so far.

I was miserable for YEARS before I began getting close to someone else, and once I realized what was happening, it gave me the courage to say I wanted a divorce. Everything came out, and this emotional affair wound up being a huge eye opener for both my spouse AND myself. To blame it all on me, or my childhood is not only incorrect, but not very useful in the big picture. You can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge is broken.

It takes two looking at themselves, AND going into it with eyes wide open. Not one person soul searching, beating themselves up, while the other points fingers and beats them up some more. My spouse admits his role in this, and how badly he neglected and treated me. To my surprise, and ONLY because he acknowledged this, we are giving our marriage one more shot. BECAUSE my souse actually “gets it” now, and is being like this, I can cut ties with this other person that I never slept with, but definitely was in love with. – and give my spouse and I one more shot. I would not stay if he talked to me the way this article does, though. I will not be “the infidel” and “bad guy” the rest of my life though…

Rebecca, I’m glad your marriage is going well. It really helps everything if you two can connect well. I do, however, suspect that you’ll still see Mr. DA if he just works across the street; he will make it convenient for you two to bump into each other. Also, that lunch thing with the other woman – I think he was trying to make you jealous.

Katie, I did find the counselling was helpful. I was able to get my feelings out and she helped me see what really was important. The emotional affair is a very powerful thing and it feels like an addiction – I still have to see him because of our kids’ friendship and their activities and the avoidance which I have tried many times has not worked. He always finds a way for us to have contact. He continues to be really interested in me and I have strong feelings for him. But I can also see how important the marriage relationship is and the faith in God really does help. I am coping and handling myself well but it is very difficult. I wish you all the best – let me know what is happening in your situations. Elaine

We started counseling but I still feel he is still doing the same thing. He said me he told them that he wants this marriage to work and it’s over between them. I feel that if he has to be in contact with these women I should have been there because I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or not. Our problems in this marriage evolves around his children’s mother.

At the beginning of this marriage we had issues because they were talking throughout the day while he was at work. He said their boys have alot of promblems and he has to talk to them to get them going for the day. I talked to both of them about this and it ended for a while. Now he’s doing the same thing again but with another woman added to it. I mean he was talking to them about our problems. It is all on tape.

He was telling the woman he works with that he misses spending time with her and the other that he loves her and making plans to go to her home on the weekend. Of course I nipped that in the bud real quick. I sent the kids to my parents for the weekend and I snapped. We are trying to get past this but it’s really hard and if he’s still doing this I don’t know if we can work this out. If I can get some type of reply on what to do it would really help a lot. I am so tired of hurting. I read my Bible and pray that everything will work out for the best because he is a good husband but he has a couple of flaws.

Before he left, he contacted me, asking me for an e-mail address for a new co-worker of mine. I gave it to him and he asked her out, taking her to lunch the last week he was here. I don’t know what that was all about, but in spite of the fact that my feelings for him had greatly dwindled, I cannot deny that I was angry and jealous deep inside.

I saw him on his next to last day, and he came and leaned against my arm and told me goodbye. I’m ashamed to say, but I’ve missed him so badly these weeks since he left. At the same time, I’m so glad he’s gone so I can go on and continue to re-construct my life without him.

My marriage is going well! My husband has started going to church all the time and has changed in other ways as well. He is much more involved with the family– accompanying us to birthday parties, etc. It’s marvelous. Pray that it continues!!! I’m praying that I will feel passion and deep love for him, as he now deserves it more than ever, and I know that it’s God’s will for us. Thanks for your prayers My spiritual life is improving phenominally, too!

Katie, hang in there. It’s a long painful process, but doing what Jesus wants us to do will reap great rewards in the end. Hugs

I met with him to discuss how he feels about his relationship (25 yrs married and two grown kids). He does not want to have a physical relationship with me and feels he cares too much about me for that. But he does not seem to see how l attached I am to him. He gave some great examples of how he feels about me and has stated Jesus would not have wanted us to break our vows (in so many words). I am upset and actually spoke to him about breaking off contact altogether at the gym since I have such a strong emotional attachment to him. He did not respond to my last couple of emails and now I feel all alone in this mess.

My feelings have not left but I am dealing with this and will continue to receive counseling. I am also keeping a journal which I find really helps. The other man has never come clean with his true feelings and that’s what helps me to see that this relationship must not go anywhere.

I hope you will take this new job, Rebecca, for it will help if you don’t have to see him. They are easier to forget when there is some distance. Let me know what is happening in your situation. Elaine

Right now, things are going well at home, and I have hardly seen Mr. DA at all over the last 3 weeks, but I have learned that both things are cyclical, and it would be so much better not to have to see him ever again. I would miss him, but that’s ok. My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together, because his weekend job has ended until spring. Our finances are a wreck, but our relationship is really strong right now. Please, if anyone finds time to pray for us and about my job application, I would deeply appreciate it. Hugs and prayers to all at this Christmas time!

I have been to see a counsellor this week as I really felt that I needed professional help with this problem. She said that usually people come to see her after the affair has gotten physical so I am somewhat unusual because I have sought help before the “act.” She has given me some constructive advice on how to connect better with the husband. We need to go out on more dates and she also suggested the “sandwich technique” whereby you 1) tell them positive things about the relationship 2) give them the “challenge” 3) then tell them some more positive things about the relationship. She suggested dating 2/per month. I don’t think we’ll be able to manage that but at least once a month would be great. I feel like I am being more proactive. I shall visit the counsellor again in Jan.

I have been ignoring the other man lately. He is very mad at me as you might guess. I can tell that he still looks at me when he sees me. The other night he was not paying attention to his coaching at all because he was looking at me all the time. I really do feel that I am in love with this man. The feelings rush into my mind constantly. I know that I really need to be strong about this and “get over it.” He has touched something in me that my husband could not. I’m not sure what to do about our kids’ friendship. My plan is not to make any attempt for them to see each other. This is the most difficult problem I’ve ever encountered. Elaine

A few weeks ago I found out that Mr. DA had asked a colleague of mine out for coffee. She is in a committed relationship and did not accept, but somehow that actually seemed to be beneficial in that the magic faded a bit for me. Nevertheless, the very next week, he walked up to me in front of a court clerk and asked for my phone number and e-mail, so that I can “help” him with Spanish language letters that he has to write for the DA’s office at times. (He is bi-lingual but not educated in Spanish.) It would have been a big scene, as there were several people around, to refuse to give him my number, so I gave him my desk phone and work e-mail– no personal info.

He has not called or sent me anything and its been about 3 weeks. He continues to wink at me and wave discretely whenever I happen to go to the courtroom that he is working in, but thank God, somehow it does not affect me quite as much as before, just knowing that he is actively inviting other women out. I am not saying that it does not affect me at all, but I feel that it is less. I just keep praying and reading the Word and being as involved as possible at church and God has promised me that I will get me to the other side of this if I will just trust in Him. As I said before, I cannot control my feelings, but I can control my actions. I wish I could get away from him altogether, but no doors have opened up for me work anywhere else.

Elaine, you asked about my husband. Well, its up and down. Sometimes he is very loving and sweet and other times he ignores me for days on end. For the most part, he is never mean or abusive. I just get so lonely and desperate when he spends evening after evening– from the time I get home from work until after I fall asleep at 10:30 or 11:00–lost in the TV. I told him recently, in the most respectful, tender way I could, how I feel, and he actually did not turn on the TV for two days, but since then I haven’t been able to break into his reverie for anything. Oh well, it will be worth it all, when we get home. God bless and keep posting.

I have tried avoidance, not making eye contact, and keeping any necessary conversations brief. I do not linger when I see him at events and have stood or sat close to my husband on several occasions – even putting my arm around him. That has not worked. The other man is still interested. I do not make the playdates – he does. Thanks for you comments. I have talked to my girlfriends about this. Elaine

I believe you can be creative and try to avoid him even though you live in a small town and even though your sons are friends. You can go with your husband to your son’s matches for one; you can sit/stand far from this man, avoid eye contact, let your husband take your son to the golf trips and not take him yourself so that you can avoid the “firecrackers” and “sparks”. Also you can make sure you talk about your husband –especially when he is around, only talk about his good characteristics and about how much you just adore him to make this other man loose interest in you.

If you want to be drastic to save you marriage, which by the way, is the most important relationship you have in the world, you can even move to another town or even to another state. Please do anything you can do to save your family and this man’s family from grief and agony.

Please remove your husband and this man’s wife from this misery that they do not deserve. I know that it is difficult for you to stop and you might even be enjoying this man’s attention as I suspect, but trust me, your poor husband and this man’s wife are not having fun at all. Please, please, please leave this situation before it destroys innocent lives.

My emotional affair has been very difficult with Paul. We have had lots of contact as we are on the same soccer team this year and our sons’ friendship has continued. My feelings of affection have only grown stronger – I have been very careful how I behave, relate to him and even how I place my body when he stands near me. Sometimes his wife is there and she really dislikes me. My friend Lynda has noticed his feelings/behavior towards me as her son plays soccer too. It is a difficult situation, I’ve prayed about it and cannot break free. I’d like to hear from you. Elaine

As for your situation, I think the only thing you can do is break contact if you feel that your marriage is important to you. This is very difficult – I’ve tried a couple of times and have failed. The emotional affair is like an addiction and it’s so difficult to stop it. I think in the long run it would be devastating to lose your husband, children and life as you know it. These strong feelings of affection may not be lasting. As Christians we know this is morally wrong and that it goes against what the Bible teaches us. Pray about it and I’ll pray for you. You have to really want to end it. I sympathize – it’s not an easy road. Elaine

Before our planned date, we discussed also – that both of us were straying for the first time in the respective marriages – so we had mixed feelings. We did that and lived through the fantasy. Most of you will find it rude to read. But reality remains, God has made us like this (like all the other species on earth) – in core natural way – we desire and seek more mates. Of course, I am also a god loving person, but I reasoned it has to be a balance between nature and our set moral values. What is so natural cannot be so wrong.

I imagined my husband in my shoes and my reactions. I am honest – I think I would understand and give some time for recovery. Why do we still want to continue with marriage? It’s simply because it has so many more things – good things, kids, love & care for the spouse, respect for the togetherness and support during tough times. But what we are seeking out is not possible in the relationship which is decades old.

We parted ways on our decided date of about 6 months of having an affair. We decided to help each other when the other person feels weak and wants to contact back – by observing restraints. We spoke a couple of times. It is like 3 steps forward and 1 backward. But, look at this, if we completely say no – what we end up doing is faning air into the desire, which again pushes us into a state of limbo.

We are portraying the blogs that men are the ones who are using us – whereas that may not be correct thing to do – at least in general.

God made us sexual beings. He also wants to teach us restraint and control. Like all the other urges (of food, sleep), he wants us to learn control on sexual urges also. But that does not mean that we should sulk ourselves in so much of guilt by indulging in one odd affair. The key is to be aware of what you are doing, to act maturely and understand that you are hurting your spouse by breaking the trust.

It is so easier and tempting for me to go back to my husband and tell him my story. I believe that is like punishing my husband for something I did. I need to go thru the pangs of guilt, serious efforts in controlling my emotions, serious efforts in continually investing in my marriage, my kids, and my husband so that I don’t snatch away anything because of my wandering thoughts, actions.

I dont regret what I did, in a way it helped my relationship with my husband – as I started feeling more emotionally close, physically close simply because I became somewhat insecure that I might lose him. At the same time, I helped myself to fulfill my desires, satisfy my curiosity, and helped me connect with a great friend emotionally.

Did I hurt anyone? No (may be myself – yes because of the trauma of societal norms, your own set standards for yourself – “how can I do this?” types) So, lets not equate love/desires to murder and rape. If I would have chased men, I can understand the wrong in that. If something had happened without any bad intention of screwing anyone’s life, I can’t logically go and bury myself in the heaps and heaps of guilt. God is inside and god also gives us strength to move on. Right and wrong are all shades of grey. This is not about black and white. Situations, circumstances and lot of other things play their role.

I can tell you I read a lot on the topic for initial 2-3 months of turmoil I went thru.

First and foremost question I was searching for was – why it happened to me. I realized after reading so many blogs, sites, books – that this is universal. Then I wanted to understand – why it happens? I mean more on logical and technical grounds. Came across a web site – even bought the online books. I received immense insight. I shared the same with my affair partner also. He knew the struggle. We knew that at times, we end up speaking bad about our spouses – but that does not at all mean they are not good or we dont love them.

I feel another important point was – we made it pretty clear to each other – that first comes our personal lives (with respective families), then job, and then we to each other. We used to call each other timepass. So, I think it helps to bring the fantasy love to a simple attraction level and then deal with it. Depends upon us how we interact in this new relationship. Emma (not my real name though)

So you can imagine the excitement I felt when we got in touch again. We would text each other and talk for hours. There was a level of flirtation, but because we are both married we tried to keep it at a minimum. Well, I have been struggling with this for a few months. I am a Christian woman, and I know it’s wrong. But somehow I can’t bear losing him again. I have cut off contact with him. But that longing hasn’t gone away. I think about him constantly.

I don’t want to pursue this relationship any longer. I love my husband and my children. I don’t want to lose them. How do I get through this? Do I tell my husband? How do I find forgiveness and peace? I love the Lord Jesus with all my heart. I am struggling with comdemnation… I just want to get through this… please help.

We have gone to counseling and we were on the right tract trying to get our marriage back in order when the other woman contacted him thru the internet. The other woman is someone he used to date 30 yrs ago. My husband is 51. The woman is divorced and she had a boyfriend of 12 years that has left her. She contacted my husband and apologized for dumping him 30 years ago and going back to her husband. The emails she sent my husband were very clear in what she was wanting. She asked him to call her behind my back; she would remind him of the times they used to spend together. Then she gave him her phone number and told him to call her because somehow she couldnt just see them as being friends. This woman clearly wanted to break up our marriage even thoe she knew we still have kids at home.

I have tried to talk to my husband about all this told him that this woman does not love him and does not respect him, that this affair will not last, and he will end up losing everything he worked so hard for including his family. Our kids are upset, we have 2 grown kids still at home and then our youngest one is 15 and he is the one most affected by it.

My husband and her are in constant contact all thru the day. They text one minute after the other to each other, and this usally starts right after I leave for work. The txting is crazy because it is just that one minute after the other. This goes on day after day. Then he will call her in between. I dont know how he gets any work done. He is also having phone sex with her and is sending pics of himself to her and she is probably doing the same.

I no longer sleep in the same room with him. He is so wrapped up around her, that he won’t listen to anybody and specificly not me. He is so caught up with her that he talks and texts her in front of my youngest kid. He has even tried to convince my youngest son that he might like her and that she is a lot of fun. He calls and texts her at our friends houses.

Its been hard on me because I see this for what it really is. She is a very controlling and manipulating woman. He is seeing the constant texting as a way of her showing love for him. But I see it as a controlling measure to insure he doesn’t talk to anyone else, and he doesn’t. She is looking for a meal ticket, and doesn’t care how she gets it.

I am now at a loss as to what to do. My husband knows this is wrong but the attraction and attention he is getting from her is very strong and addicting. I don’t think he will give her up. He’s in love with her, and I’m trash. What do you think? I don’t think he will go back to counseling.

Thanks Heather for writing and giving me strength through your words, that we marry for the better and FOR THE WORSE… I took that to heart… Once I felt free from the E. A. (and for those who feel that the feelings won’t go away, trust me, they eventually fade if you stop feeding them and realize that it is more of a fantasy of the mind, then anything else), my marriage was still at an awful stage. I did a lot of talking to my husband, but it seemed to me that the more I said, the worse he got. I even suggested doing a series for couples to try strengthen our marriage. My husband agreed, but he was upsetting me so much, that I didn’t even feel like starting it.

One day, I had decided that it was enough, I was definitely done with my marriage. So I prayed to God that night, and I said to Him that I had no more forces to stay. I also said that I didn’t believe that the my marriage was His will in the first place, it was a mistake we both made, and we were paying the price. At the end of the prayer, I said to God: “God, if it is your will that I stay in this marriage, give me a sign. I ask you Lord that my husband will take the initiative for us to start the series, and will approach me in order to do so”. I ended the prayer and decided to watch some TV, since he was playing video games (which he usually plays for hours every night) … I then totally forgot about the prayer while watching TV. Half an hour later, my husband comes to the bedroom holding the video series in his hands, and asks me if I WANTED TO START IT THE NEXT DAY!!! When that happened, I couldn’t believe!! I smiled and even started to laugh and said “yes, of course”! Then he left the room.

Once he left, I was in tears! I didn’t expect God to give me an answer so quickly! Right in that moment I felt the peace of God. I didn’t feel alone any more. I know He heard my prayer, had given me the confirmation I needed to stay marriage and work on my marriage!! I also felt peace knowing that He is in control!! and God cares!! This is the conformation I needed and because God is sooo good, He gave it to me! I am so happy!! I wasn’t expecting that to come that fast, even at all! It was the first time after a long time that I knew God was clearly talking to me!!

Things have been getting so much better in my home! We have started the series, and we are working towards having the relationship we never had. Things didn’t change automatically, but I changed my attitude. I now have placed all my worries into God’s hands. I no longer worry that my marriage will be how it had been forever, but there is a reason it is the way it is now, and one of the reasons is that God is pruning us, making us better people, and increasing my faith in Him!

I am so thankful for everything, I felt the need to share my testimony here!! For the first time in a long time I feel the peace and joy that only comes from our LORD! Thank you all also for caring and all the thoughtful words. It was the key start that I needed, the support I needed to even start the change! This is an amazing website, and I hope I can also be an encouragement for other women that are in similar situations, and may be feeling hopeless now. I was there once, but if you trust the Lord, and have good support, that is definitely not a place you will stay forever.