I have tried avoidance, not making eye contact, and keeping any necessary conversations brief. I do not linger when I see him at events and have stood or sat close to my husband on several occasions – even putting my arm around him. That has not worked. The other man is still interested. I do not make the playdates – he does. Thanks for you comments. I have talked to my girlfriends about this. Elaine

I believe you can be creative and try to avoid him even though you live in a small town and even though your sons are friends. You can go with your husband to your son’s matches for one; you can sit/stand far from this man, avoid eye contact, let your husband take your son to the golf trips and not take him yourself so that you can avoid the “firecrackers” and “sparks”. Also you can make sure you talk about your husband –especially when he is around, only talk about his good characteristics and about how much you just adore him to make this other man loose interest in you.

If you want to be drastic to save you marriage, which by the way, is the most important relationship you have in the world, you can even move to another town or even to another state. Please do anything you can do to save your family and this man’s family from grief and agony.

Please remove your husband and this man’s wife from this misery that they do not deserve. I know that it is difficult for you to stop and you might even be enjoying this man’s attention as I suspect, but trust me, your poor husband and this man’s wife are not having fun at all. Please, please, please leave this situation before it destroys innocent lives.

My emotional affair has been very difficult with Paul. We have had lots of contact as we are on the same soccer team this year and our sons’ friendship has continued. My feelings of affection have only grown stronger – I have been very careful how I behave, relate to him and even how I place my body when he stands near me. Sometimes his wife is there and she really dislikes me. My friend Lynda has noticed his feelings/behavior towards me as her son plays soccer too. It is a difficult situation, I’ve prayed about it and cannot break free. I’d like to hear from you. Elaine

As for your situation, I think the only thing you can do is break contact if you feel that your marriage is important to you. This is very difficult – I’ve tried a couple of times and have failed. The emotional affair is like an addiction and it’s so difficult to stop it. I think in the long run it would be devastating to lose your husband, children and life as you know it. These strong feelings of affection may not be lasting. As Christians we know this is morally wrong and that it goes against what the Bible teaches us. Pray about it and I’ll pray for you. You have to really want to end it. I sympathize – it’s not an easy road. Elaine

Before our planned date, we discussed also – that both of us were straying for the first time in the respective marriages – so we had mixed feelings. We did that and lived through the fantasy. Most of you will find it rude to read. But reality remains, God has made us like this (like all the other species on earth) – in core natural way – we desire and seek more mates. Of course, I am also a god loving person, but I reasoned it has to be a balance between nature and our set moral values. What is so natural cannot be so wrong.

I imagined my husband in my shoes and my reactions. I am honest – I think I would understand and give some time for recovery. Why do we still want to continue with marriage? It’s simply because it has so many more things – good things, kids, love & care for the spouse, respect for the togetherness and support during tough times. But what we are seeking out is not possible in the relationship which is decades old.

We parted ways on our decided date of about 6 months of having an affair. We decided to help each other when the other person feels weak and wants to contact back – by observing restraints. We spoke a couple of times. It is like 3 steps forward and 1 backward. But, look at this, if we completely say no – what we end up doing is faning air into the desire, which again pushes us into a state of limbo.

We are portraying the blogs that men are the ones who are using us – whereas that may not be correct thing to do – at least in general.

God made us sexual beings. He also wants to teach us restraint and control. Like all the other urges (of food, sleep), he wants us to learn control on sexual urges also. But that does not mean that we should sulk ourselves in so much of guilt by indulging in one odd affair. The key is to be aware of what you are doing, to act maturely and understand that you are hurting your spouse by breaking the trust.

It is so easier and tempting for me to go back to my husband and tell him my story. I believe that is like punishing my husband for something I did. I need to go thru the pangs of guilt, serious efforts in controlling my emotions, serious efforts in continually investing in my marriage, my kids, and my husband so that I don’t snatch away anything because of my wandering thoughts, actions.

I dont regret what I did, in a way it helped my relationship with my husband – as I started feeling more emotionally close, physically close simply because I became somewhat insecure that I might lose him. At the same time, I helped myself to fulfill my desires, satisfy my curiosity, and helped me connect with a great friend emotionally.

Did I hurt anyone? No (may be myself – yes because of the trauma of societal norms, your own set standards for yourself – “how can I do this?” types) So, lets not equate love/desires to murder and rape. If I would have chased men, I can understand the wrong in that. If something had happened without any bad intention of screwing anyone’s life, I can’t logically go and bury myself in the heaps and heaps of guilt. God is inside and god also gives us strength to move on. Right and wrong are all shades of grey. This is not about black and white. Situations, circumstances and lot of other things play their role.

I can tell you I read a lot on the topic for initial 2-3 months of turmoil I went thru.

First and foremost question I was searching for was – why it happened to me. I realized after reading so many blogs, sites, books – that this is universal. Then I wanted to understand – why it happens? I mean more on logical and technical grounds. Came across a web site – even bought the online books. I received immense insight. I shared the same with my affair partner also. He knew the struggle. We knew that at times, we end up speaking bad about our spouses – but that does not at all mean they are not good or we dont love them.

I feel another important point was – we made it pretty clear to each other – that first comes our personal lives (with respective families), then job, and then we to each other. We used to call each other timepass. So, I think it helps to bring the fantasy love to a simple attraction level and then deal with it. Depends upon us how we interact in this new relationship. Emma (not my real name though)

So you can imagine the excitement I felt when we got in touch again. We would text each other and talk for hours. There was a level of flirtation, but because we are both married we tried to keep it at a minimum. Well, I have been struggling with this for a few months. I am a Christian woman, and I know it’s wrong. But somehow I can’t bear losing him again. I have cut off contact with him. But that longing hasn’t gone away. I think about him constantly.

I don’t want to pursue this relationship any longer. I love my husband and my children. I don’t want to lose them. How do I get through this? Do I tell my husband? How do I find forgiveness and peace? I love the Lord Jesus with all my heart. I am struggling with comdemnation… I just want to get through this… please help.

We have gone to counseling and we were on the right tract trying to get our marriage back in order when the other woman contacted him thru the internet. The other woman is someone he used to date 30 yrs ago. My husband is 51. The woman is divorced and she had a boyfriend of 12 years that has left her. She contacted my husband and apologized for dumping him 30 years ago and going back to her husband. The emails she sent my husband were very clear in what she was wanting. She asked him to call her behind my back; she would remind him of the times they used to spend together. Then she gave him her phone number and told him to call her because somehow she couldnt just see them as being friends. This woman clearly wanted to break up our marriage even thoe she knew we still have kids at home.

I have tried to talk to my husband about all this told him that this woman does not love him and does not respect him, that this affair will not last, and he will end up losing everything he worked so hard for including his family. Our kids are upset, we have 2 grown kids still at home and then our youngest one is 15 and he is the one most affected by it.

My husband and her are in constant contact all thru the day. They text one minute after the other to each other, and this usally starts right after I leave for work. The txting is crazy because it is just that one minute after the other. This goes on day after day. Then he will call her in between. I dont know how he gets any work done. He is also having phone sex with her and is sending pics of himself to her and she is probably doing the same.

I no longer sleep in the same room with him. He is so wrapped up around her, that he won’t listen to anybody and specificly not me. He is so caught up with her that he talks and texts her in front of my youngest kid. He has even tried to convince my youngest son that he might like her and that she is a lot of fun. He calls and texts her at our friends houses.

Its been hard on me because I see this for what it really is. She is a very controlling and manipulating woman. He is seeing the constant texting as a way of her showing love for him. But I see it as a controlling measure to insure he doesn’t talk to anyone else, and he doesn’t. She is looking for a meal ticket, and doesn’t care how she gets it.

I am now at a loss as to what to do. My husband knows this is wrong but the attraction and attention he is getting from her is very strong and addicting. I don’t think he will give her up. He’s in love with her, and I’m trash. What do you think? I don’t think he will go back to counseling.

Thanks Heather for writing and giving me strength through your words, that we marry for the better and FOR THE WORSE… I took that to heart… Once I felt free from the E. A. (and for those who feel that the feelings won’t go away, trust me, they eventually fade if you stop feeding them and realize that it is more of a fantasy of the mind, then anything else), my marriage was still at an awful stage. I did a lot of talking to my husband, but it seemed to me that the more I said, the worse he got. I even suggested doing a series for couples to try strengthen our marriage. My husband agreed, but he was upsetting me so much, that I didn’t even feel like starting it.

One day, I had decided that it was enough, I was definitely done with my marriage. So I prayed to God that night, and I said to Him that I had no more forces to stay. I also said that I didn’t believe that the my marriage was His will in the first place, it was a mistake we both made, and we were paying the price. At the end of the prayer, I said to God: “God, if it is your will that I stay in this marriage, give me a sign. I ask you Lord that my husband will take the initiative for us to start the series, and will approach me in order to do so”. I ended the prayer and decided to watch some TV, since he was playing video games (which he usually plays for hours every night) … I then totally forgot about the prayer while watching TV. Half an hour later, my husband comes to the bedroom holding the video series in his hands, and asks me if I WANTED TO START IT THE NEXT DAY!!! When that happened, I couldn’t believe!! I smiled and even started to laugh and said “yes, of course”! Then he left the room.

Once he left, I was in tears! I didn’t expect God to give me an answer so quickly! Right in that moment I felt the peace of God. I didn’t feel alone any more. I know He heard my prayer, had given me the confirmation I needed to stay marriage and work on my marriage!! I also felt peace knowing that He is in control!! and God cares!! This is the conformation I needed and because God is sooo good, He gave it to me! I am so happy!! I wasn’t expecting that to come that fast, even at all! It was the first time after a long time that I knew God was clearly talking to me!!

Things have been getting so much better in my home! We have started the series, and we are working towards having the relationship we never had. Things didn’t change automatically, but I changed my attitude. I now have placed all my worries into God’s hands. I no longer worry that my marriage will be how it had been forever, but there is a reason it is the way it is now, and one of the reasons is that God is pruning us, making us better people, and increasing my faith in Him!

I am so thankful for everything, I felt the need to share my testimony here!! For the first time in a long time I feel the peace and joy that only comes from our LORD! Thank you all also for caring and all the thoughtful words. It was the key start that I needed, the support I needed to even start the change! This is an amazing website, and I hope I can also be an encouragement for other women that are in similar situations, and may be feeling hopeless now. I was there once, but if you trust the Lord, and have good support, that is definitely not a place you will stay forever.

He has been dealing with me about sacrifice and enduring hard things in order to gain heaven. If we think about it, the old timers from New Testiment times on up until recent history, believed in giving up all worldly pleasure in order to please God, and many faced persecution, imprisonment, and even death because they refused to back down. Nowadays, we feel we must be carried to the skies on flowery beds of ease. We feel entitled to pleasure and things that make us feel good. The ME philosophy affects our Christian walk, and if something feels good, we feel we have a right to it. On the opposite side of things, if something feels bad (like difficulties with a spouse), we feel that we don’t have to put up with it.

Little by little my thinking is changing. I have relapses, but God has blessed me richly with more distance between myself and this man, and with a change in my husband that I hope will last!

Elaine, and all of you who post here, remember that getting to heaven is not easy. Last week I listened to an Adventures in Odyssey radio drama of Pilgrim’s Progress. If you are familiar with this old book or any modernized version, you will remember the many dangers that Pilgrim went through to arrive at the Celestial City. Sometimes he got off the path and fell into the traps of the enemy, just like you and I have done, but with Bible reading and prayer and faith he was brought out and found victory over and over again. May we each one find our way back to the straight and narrow. May we learn to endure hardships in order to gain eternal life. May we someday look back on this time in our lives and give glory to God for all we have learned through this experience and for helping us to escape!

I hope you can resolve your feelings for Mr. DA. It will last for a long time, even if you don’t see him. My problem is I am going to have regular contact for a long time to come. How can I become emotionally indifferent? It is such a difficult struggle. I really want to focus on my marriage, kids and faith but this emotional affair just won’t seem to let me. I need to get on with living my life normally like I used to but I cannot. When you have time, I’d appreciate if you could comment Rebecca. Thanks a lot and I shall continue to pray and think about your situation.

Believe me, I understand. I think everyone who has posted on here feels this. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to save your marriage… counseling, tell friends to help keep you accountable, pray every time you think of him… you can do this.

We all struggle every day, but we have to look to the Lord to help us through this. I think of the footprints in the sand poem and I have been being carried by the Lord since April to get through this. I know with His help and my husband’s love and support… it will happen.

I know this man is a temptation that I need to stay away from… I can also feel how hard satan is trying to destroy my life and marriage. The biggest issue I face now I believe, is to how to work on my marriage. When I wrote my first comment, I was 80% sure I would be getting divorced, not to be with the other man, but because I do not have any more strength to make things work with my husband. My heart doesn’t want to be with him, but my rational thought says that I have to. We have become so distant, that I see him as a bad person, very immature, passive aggressive, very disconnected. I wish he would move towards working in this marriage, instead of leaving everything up to me.

I know these feelings come from satan, but everything my husband does annoys me… I can’t stand the way he does anything at all. It is almost like I did the worst mistake of my life by marring him. The only reason I have stayed so far is the fact that even though my feelings tell me otherwise, I know God hates divorce, and I am aware that through Him we can all things… but how to even start???

I don’t feel needed by my husband… it is almost like the only reason he is with me is to have sex, and that is not even happening because I just can’t get close to him anymore in an intimate way. He doesn’t share anything with me, he doesn’t listen to what I feel about things, he is always plugged into the TV or computer, and he always want to have people around, tons of friends, which makes us even further apart. He is Christian as well, so I wish he would see these problems and come approach me… It seems that I am the only who always approach him, suggests things to change, and nothing lasts…

I am sorry about venting all this here. Cindy, I want you to know that your reply to me means so much. I feel that at least someone cares, which is hard to find in this world. And most of all, that God cares, even though I know how far I have become from him. I am so thankful for you to remind me that God is the only true Love, and he is the only one who can complete and fulfill our needs.

I will definitely read more articles on the site. This is an amazing site by the way. Thank you again for the caring, for the prayers, and for the wise words. That was what I needed to keep me seeking the Lord, and knowing that He is always there, we just need to look for Him. God bless you Cindy!

And for that, my heart goes out to you. How I wish things could have been different! Most any woman reading your story would probably feel the same. But whether we wish they were different or not, they aren’t. That is the reality of life — something that must be dealt with apart from fantasy.

You ask for help and "support" and so I will write what I perceive the Lord is leading me to say. Please pray about it. I will give you one woman’s side of what I see, but you need to hold it up to God’s light to see if He is speaking through my words.

Meire, you went from one fantasy of believing your husband was one thing and then found out differently. When this type of reality hits us in the face, as women, we often start looking for a different life situation to take it’s place. We aren’t even aware of it. It’s a type of Cinderella scenario and women are especially vulnerable to it. (Men are too, but it just takes on a different direction… women look for someone else to connect their hearts to because of the longing they have for "soul-mates" in the romantic sense.)

All of this left your heart open and unguarded. You wanted to better understand why your husband betrayed your trust after you had given your entire being to him as his wife. Even though you may not have realized it, your heart and mind went on the search. When you started talking to this man, you were in a vulnerable position — like a person drowning. You grabbed onto the first opportunity to escape drowning in the hurt of it all.

But Meire, whether or not this man MAY have been good for you at one time in your life or not, it doesn’t matter. He isn’t yours to consider. You are going from one fantasy… throw in a dose of reality, and then are rebuilding another upon another fantasy in your mind with this man — someone you shouldn’t consider no matter how wonderful he looks.

You are married to your husband. You made a commitment and God is the one you are to explore and HE will show you how to work WITHIN your marriage to live as you should. Even if right now your husband is damaged in what he can give back, that doesn’t mean that is who he will be and what will be happening in the future. Go with God on this… not the path that the enemy of our faith is tempting you to follow. This other man is "smoke and mirrors" — he is more unreal than real in your mind’s eye right now. And again, even if there is some good within him, he isn’t yours to explore.

I know that 2 years can seem like a lifetime to be married, but in the span of eternity, it’s just a beginning. Yes, it’s been a difficult beginning, but you need to give God and time and investing your energies into what you SHOULD be investing your energies into, your full attention instead of following more "smoke and mirrors" (as the enemy of our faith keeps putting before you).

I pray you are able to see what I am trying to say. You are addicted to what you believe love is, rather on what it really is. GOD is LOVE. Seek Him and His heart and His way of proceeding in your marriage and THEN you will truly know love. It’s less feeling and more doing.

It would be good for you to go into the "Surviving Infidelity" section and read the article "Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair". Afterward, read the comments. You will see the addiction you are dealing with (and even the one your husband is dealing with in a different way). Whether you have become physical yet with this man or not, what you are dealing with is an affair of the heart and mind. You need to flee. It will still be painful — very painful and difficult, but less painful and less damaging than if you allow yourself to go into this further soul tie.

Meire, all I can say is: "WARNING… WARNING… WARNING!!!" Do not go further into this fantasy world with this man. Invest your heart and soul into God and let Him be your guide in building your relationship deeper with HIM first, and then reinvesting your energies into your marriage.

See where God takes you rather than where the direction you are headed right now. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and HE will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6). I pray for you, I encourage you to flee from further temptation. I stand believing for you that if you go with God in this, you will eventually see that He is rescuing you from further hurt than you would have experienced if you go the direction you are headed right now. He wants to help you. He wants "to give you hope and a future" (read Jeremiah 29:11-13). I believe this for you and pray this over you.

I’m so glad you came to this web site and poured out your heart. I encourage you to pray and fast and flee temptation… and pray and fast and flee and learn from God. I encourage you to study marriage and study your husband. Go through this web site to read more about men and husbands and how to best approach them.

Become the woman of God who learns what she can and applies wisdom she has gained after she has sought it in the right places. "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down" (Proverbs 14:1).

I encourage you to read through the “"Pornography and Cybersex" section of our web site so you can see the tangled web your husband is caught up into… it could help you in your approach to your marriage. I pray it does.

I pray God will bless you as you "seek first His kingdom and his righteousness" (see Matthew 6:33-34). As you "ask, seek, and knock"… (please read Matthew 7), I pray a blessing for you as you build your home upon the "solid Rock" rather on shifting sand. May God go with you.

Sometimes I want to contact him so he can pray for me… so he can give me some word of wisdom… I haven’t contacted him because I am afraid he will reject me, but the urge is always there. Sometimes I just want to text him and say “miss you”, and see if I get something back. I know I haven’t gone as far as other women, but how can I definitely end it now, before the pain just gets deeper and stronger?

After we got married, I found out many lies he had told me, or had omitted from me. I also found out he was addicted to pornography (and, as a Christian and a Pastor, he has always condemned people who were into porn). I was devastated. Even though we almost got divorced, we managed to stay together… but I still feel our relationship is superficial.

Anyway, about 9 months ago, I met this guy at work, and we seemed to have really connected in a friendship level. Talking to him was always pleasant, but it stayed strictly at work settings, and I never really thought about him outside work, ever… our conversations kept getting more and more intimate. He would share a lot of his issues about his girlfriend, and I would give him advice… Then, I started trusting him more and started sharing my personal problems that I had been having with my husband… and he was always such a good listener, very supportive, he would even pray for me… I started admiring him so much, I would look forward to see him and hang out with him…

I thought it was still innocent, since we had not been close physically… after a while, he started telling me how perfect he thought I was, and if he wasn’t in a relationship, he would want to be with me. That triggered feelings in me, and I started to picture us together. I basically started to develop hope for a relationship with him, which was never there before… and he was very confused as well… but we didn’t want to lose our friendship, so we kept contact.

I then realized that I would be getting hurt by him, because he kept talking about his girlfriend, but at the same time, he would express to me how we were also a match, and I started to believe that. So I told him I had to tell my husband what was going on, in order to be able to stop seeing him. It didn’t help much. Once I told my husband, he didn’t give much importance, and I stared missing the other man terribly. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, I was in so much pain…. it was awful. But we stopped talking for a long time

Very unexpectedly we started talking again on the phone… and even though I was nervous about it, I would feel so happy to hear from him, nothing else mattered. We then finally met again, and all the feelings were still there, from both of us, even stronger than before. But we decided that we shouldn’t see each other again, since it wasn’t right… which I agree… but I want to contact him so bad it hurts. I don’t know how to go about fixing my marriage and being happy with my husband. I don’t know how I could even feel anything for him anymore.

I know this other man can’t give me what I really need, but I go through times that I just want to be with him so bad, that nothing else matters.

I know that if I do contact him, I will just hurt myself even more, but I don’t want to let him go. What should I do? Would it be ok to talk to him only once in a while, or would that just make things go back to where they were? I miss my friendship with him the most… it hurts… it’s painful. Please, anyone, any support?

Both my husband and I play musical instruments (I french horn, him trumpet) and we often get hired to play in local groups. Over a year and a half ago we were hired by an old friend from high school who we played with in a local symphony years and years ago. I only knew him as an acquaintance really, my husband knew him longer. He is a fantastic conductor, inspiring, dynamic, fun… you get the picture.

I am a flirt by nature, and my husband knows this, so I acted how I always did. We chatted back and forth at rehearsals etc. I do not recall how it transpired, but one day we went to lunch with my husband’s permission/knowledge. We got along GREAT and just laughed and carried on as a couple friends would. I found myself feeling something I had only felt for my husband. It scared me, but I didn’t think much of it because he WAS attractive and he was talking about his serious girlfriend (who is not living in the same town as him… they have a long distance relationship).

Fast forward many months… we emailed, texted, and went to lunch every 6-8 weeks. I found myself trying to find ways to hear from him. Then… my family and he and his daughter got together and our house for dinner. Our girls are similar in age. They hit it off unbelievably. Now THEY want to see each other more often.

So the web is getting thicker… back in March things were getting “out of control”. Texting that crossed the line of what a married woman should be texting another man, I was emailing from my work email, but when going to lunch I always shared with my husband. He was beginning to see what was happening and he started to check my texts and emails. Now, nothing physically happened. But in hindsight I think it was getting close.

My husband and I talked and hashed things out. He does not want us to stop communicating/being with this friend of ours. He wants me to “move on” and refocus on our marriage. He does not want to lose a friendship. So I met with my friend and we talked about our mutual feelings, later wrote a letter to him, and he even talked with my husband. He told my husband that he has “no worries” because he does not want my husband to go through what he has gone through (divorce).

OK… hunky dorey… sounds great all fixed… right? My feelings are just all consuming and overwhelming at times!!! Mind you, through all of this my husband and I were having an INCREDIBLE sex life (I WAS NOT THINKING OF MY FRIEND). We continue to see this friend and his daughter and have even been camping with them. Our kids LOVE this guy and his daughter and my husband and him get along very well.

Here is where I am struggling… everything I have read says that the “offender” (me) finds something in the person they are emotionally attached to that they are not getting from their spouse. I can’t figure this one out!!! The only thing I can figure out is that this man is more self-confident, spontaneous, and reckless than my husband. How do I get my husband to work on those?!?! I have shared that with him and he is a little intimidated by that because “that’s not who he is”.

We have recently started our couple prayer time again and have shared our story with our pastor and some very close friends. I know not seeing him again would fix it, but I don’t foresee that happening. Every time I think of him, I pray to God to help me. We still text, but more about specifics with the girls and whatever we are doing. He is a GREAT FRIEND… and I have a GREAT HUSBAND… but I am not having GREAT feelings.

I am back on my anti-depressant and am working towards rekindling my prayer life. I feel so guilty and am having a hard time forgiving myself. My husband has been incredible throughout this. He has his moments, but on the whole he has been more forgiving and compassionate than I would have ever expected. I essentially am in love with two men… it is getting significantly better… but nonetheless I am working to fall out of love with one and become even MORE in love with the other.

Prayers from this group would be so appreciated… thank you for allowing me the opportunity to share my story.

So now I wonder what it was I did or said that caused my husband to become silent toward me in the first place, as I am one of those non-confrontational people who avoid conflict at all costs, and strive to treat everyone, especially my husband with love, respect, and understanding.

Anyway, we have had some very pleasant times together recently. I have been following some suggestions from MortFertel@MarriageMax.com. I must say that my husband is definitely trying too– not that he is watching TV any less or communicating any better, but at least he is treating me with affection and has taken time to go out with me several times.

Now regarding Mr. DA, ever since he made his “BIG MOVE,” everything has been different. I had a very strong gut feeling right after I e-mailed him and told him that I could not call him, that he would stop working in this building. I truly believe that he fell in love with me, and I don’t say that lightly, because I had never experienced that before. Never in my life had anyone ever “fallen in love” with me. I have observed how men act when they “fall in love” with other women, but had never been on the receiving end.

Somehow I knew that it took all the courage he had to give me that business card with his cell number on it, and that my turning him away would be very hard on him. That is why it caused me so much agony, even though I know I had no option but to do the right thing.

Well, I believe that my gut feeling was right. It has been 10 weeks yesterday, and he is hardly ever here now. I was in the same courtroom with him perhaps 3-4 times in the first 4 weeks and he looked awful. His face was drawn and he would not look at me. He was rigid and tense and I could not detect if he was angry, embarrassed, sad, depressed. He even looks like he has lost weight although he is naturally very slender. The last time I was in the same courtroom was 4 weeks ago. I sensed some softening in his attitude and could tell he was looking at me, but I did not reciprocate.

I feel so very bad for having led him on in any way in the past, so I have determined to ignore him, even though it hurts. I think he may be filling a different position for the DA’s office because he comes to court very rarely and sometimes I see him from my window crossing the street in jeans. Still the chain has not been broken. I think about him every day, even though I pray and long to stop and forget him. Hopefully with time and with virtually no contact, that prayer will become reality. Pray for me and I will pray for you. Thanks

From your previous posts it seems like you were making real progress but to be unhappy in your marriage is very difficult. You had conviction about giving your love up. I am generally happy in my marriage, although there are certainly some frustrations. God has been good to me – blessed me with a strong family life with the husband and two boys. I also have a supportive church group and friends.

But like, you, this is the thing that won’t go away. You have regular contact and so do I. It is very difficult to heal and let it go – unfortunately it just won’t happen anytime soon. I will pray for you Rebecca and your situation. Please post and let me know how things are going.

You said you are married… this man is chasing in a coy way, a married woman… what does that make him? Whether you “want” to be in this marriage or not, this man has no business being with you, and the same goes for you with him because you have made a vow with your husband. I’m sorry to say this so bluntly. I sense you are a caring, loving woman… but you are also allowing yourself to live a deceived lifestyle.

You ask for help, and it appears that you need it. Gail… it is easier for those of us who are able to stand back objectively to see that you are being played with again — by this man, your mind and imagination, and the enemy of our faith who seeks to destroy. I pray you see this and “flee” as the Bible tells us to do in 1 Corinthians 6:18-20, when tempted. God has redeemed you. Don’t go backwards into this type of imprisonment again. Each time you do, the pull will be stronger and the potential hurt and scarring and damage done will be all the worse as well.

As tough as this is for you to face, from what I see, this man “is not that into you” except to use you for his own benefit and use. I’m so sorry to be the one to tell you that. But I hope you will wake up now, rather than later with even more damage done.

Of course this man will ask about you and will seek you out at different times… don’t we seek out decadent desserts when we want them? Afterward we go on to other interests, but then are drawn back to find them again when we are tempted. You aren’t created to be some kind of “tart” — God loves you and wants more for you than this. Run towards God and His ways and not this man. Temptation is fun for a season or more, but the price that is paid is NOT worth it. You can’t hit a “rewind” on regretful behavior. Cheating leads to regrets.

It will take sheer grit, determination and perseverance on your part to flee from this type of temptation because you’ve tasted that which you shouldn’t have eaten (like Eve did in the Garden). If you keep investing yourself into this addictive lifestyle and dream (which will eventually turn into your worst nightmare), you will waste the time God has given you to live out, and will wake up to find yourself to be a used, worn out, sorrowful old woman, regretting loss that never had to be!

I pray you are able to break free from this man Gail. I sense God is trying to get through to you, but you keep running in the opposite direction. “As God’s fellow workers, we urge you not to receive God’s grace in vain. For He says, ‘In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you.’ I tell you, now is the time of God’s favor, now is the day of salvation” (2 Corinthians 6:1-2).

I am praying for you — along with many others who will visit this section of the web site. You are very cared about and loved!

I was a pastor at the time. Yeah, I know. I am an embarrassment to the profession. If it helps, I was so ashamed of my feelings that I resigned my job without being caught or exposed. This is not to say that I did not admit my problem for I did just that. But all the ministry years had come to a halt.

I am still married, but forever chained. I have done everything to rid myself of this person (I am sure that she would have nothing to do with me anyhow), but I have decided that this is something that I will live with for the rest of my life. There is no escaping this place of torment. One can only hope to manage the pain until the release that comes through death itself. That is my only hope. May death come before I wake.

Your affair with your lover really isn’t love. It feels good, for a moment. But the guilt you have tells me it’s not really love.

You may have the romantic notion that love is something you feel, and if you don’t feel it, then it must not be love. I’ll not deny that loving and being loved can feel really good. But those feelings are not really the love, but the product of that love. Love is something you do, the feelings follow the actions.

I suspect your husband knows something is wrong. He may not know what, and that is helping drive his rude, critical nature. Think about it. His wife has and apparently still is betraying him. He has a really good reason right there to be critical. So even if he doesn’t know the real reason he should be critical, can you fault him for being critical when you have betrayed him?

You write, “I want to forget him and start loving my husband like before but over the years my husband has become so rude and critical that he doesn’t realise what he is doing.” Stop blaming him for your failure to do what you are called to do. If he were here, I’d tell him the same thing, love your wife despite her failures.

My re-write of this would remove the word but, and everything after it. Your behavior, your decisions are entirely up to you. No excuses accepted. No shifting blame to him for not making the right choices. My re-write would be, “I WILL forget him and start loving my husband like before. No but’s, no excuses, no blame shifting or justification of my bad behavior onto my betrayed husband.

One other thing, I would also suggest you say, “I will be 100% transparent with my husband, and tell him about the affair. No excuses.”

Now, you may need to do this from a safe place. But the abuse of the affair continues as long as he doesn’t know about it.

It’s not good enough to simply end the affair. To re-establish intimacy, to tell him what he needed to know, but can’t figure out, you have to be 100% honest about your transgression, turn from it, and ask him and God for forgiveness.

It’s simple for me to say. Yet I also realize it’s not easy to do.

Find a Godly woman mentor to assist you in the matter, and a Godly man to be there for your husband when the two of you go through this crisis together.

My husband was not able to satisfy my sexual urges but I was ok with it. When I met this guy he gradually came very close to me which led to an intimate relationship between us. I always had a feeling that what I was doing was not correct but it was so very difficult for me to go away from him. I had asked my lover to get married and settled in life but he always said that he loved me and could not think of another woman in his life.

But after 8 yrs of our affair one day he confessed to me that this parents were forcing him to get married and that he was in a fix. I was quite considerate about his future and asked him to do as his parents wished but he told me that if he got married I shouldn’t go away from his life. Somehow he was able to convince me and I unwillingly agreed.

After his marriage he seems to have changed. When I tell him I want to discontinue he refuses and says that he still loves me. He drops in at my place for sex anytime he feels and even if I refuse he forces me. He says that he enjoys sexual relationship only with me but I know he has developed a good relationship with his wife too, which disturbs me a lot.

Now this is where I need your help. I want to forget him and start loving my husband like before but over the years my husband has become so rude and critical that he doesn’t realise what he is doing. On the other hand it is also very difficult for me to forget this guy. Sometimes I really don’t understand why he is not leaving me. Is that he really loves me or is it just that sexual urge. Please help me.

Prior to this, I had prayed and prayed for God to show me the truth about j—, and credit to God and through his word, he did…O I don’t know for sure if he is chatting with others, but just asking me for sex pics of myself was a red flag… I hope and pray I can get over him. In my case I worked with him as well, but walked out on a state job with benefits because I simply couldn’t handle it anymore. Do I think God will deal with him? Yes. Do I think God has dealt with me? Oh yes…

I feel your pain with your husband.. a little different story, but mine doesn’t pay a lot of attention to me either, so I am very vulnerable. I’m glad you wrote on this site. I do wish others would. It would help to understand all of this. Gail

To reiterate, I was/am a moral person of high principles and I never would have thought myself capable of have an affair-even an affair of the mind. What I didn’t know was my own vulnerability cause by a long course of circumstances–my husband’s injury, his ensuing depression, inability to perform sexually, and change of personality. My love bank was empty. Not only had I not had any deposits to my love bank, to speak of, but I had a huge deficit. I have dedicated my whole life to my husband–I make the living, I pay for almost everything –the house, the payment on his truck; I cook the meals, wash the clothes, clean the house, take spiritual leadership in the home (not because I want to, but if I don’t, no one will), go to church and school meetings by myself, etc. The only thing he does is transport the kids to and from school and every now and then, he is unavailable for that and I have to ask for favors from other mothers or friends.

And then after 12 years of marriage he stopped touching me and the compliments and communication dried up. So that was the emotional climate of my heart and soul when this man walked into my life.

He is such a gentleman, so elegant, quiet, refined, accomplished. Whenever I see him, no matter how hard I am trying to forget him, my heart jumps and thoughts of how gorgeous, how kind, how attractive he is flit through my mind without my consent.

Today, I am crying inside. Three weeks ago tomorrow, he made his first move. After a year and a half of his sitting in the courtroom, devouring me with his chocolate brown eyes, –oh, those looks of adoration, lust, concern, those winks of reassurance, those deposits made into an empty love bank–he walked up to me 3 weeks ago and talked awhile, asking about my tired eyes, expressing heartfelt concern regarding all the stress in my life, and then he wrote his cell number on his card and gave it to me. Imagine, my husband was out of town and we hadn’t had even a casual conversation for weeks before he left. As always, I was not even consulted regarding his decision to leave for 2 1/2 weeks with his father.

What a temptation! But, I did the right thing. I did not call him. I sent him a written message a few days later that I could not. When my husband returned, I told him about it and again explained my need of his attention. He (my husband) has been very affectionate the last few days, but I don’t know how long that will last. We’ve gone through this cycle before.

I have seen my love in the courtroom 3-4 times since I sent him the message. Today his face is drawn into a deep frown; he is stiff and tense and has deep pain in his chocolate eyes, and avoids looking at me. I am so sad, so very sad, but I’m trying to lift my eyes upward and keep them on the Prize. I must make it to heaven and shunning this wonderful person is part of the price. My heart is bleeding. God help me.

He emailed me almost everyday..then I discover while emailing back and forth he is on the chat site on line almost everyday… and it’s not me
so I figure he is a player… and this broke my heart and sent me back. I had asked God to reveal to me the true John and I guess he did.

Now I am back to square one in a marriage I’m not sure I’m happy being in. I just want the security and never feeling like this again… I don’t know what to do and I pray that someone will read this and reply.

He also had the nerve to ask me if I would send him some sexy pics to take with him as he climbs a mountain in Alaska. Is that weird or what? Maybe he was joking, I don’t know. Part of my sick feeling in my stomach tells me he could be just be getting off by all of this. Please help me understand… somebody. Gailbee