This week we want to give you a sample from the web site, www.theintentionallife.com, and feature the ministry of Dr. Randy Carlson. You can also find a lot of other helpful articles on marriage, raising children, and family life, in general. We found this article and thought the three principles he discusses will serve to remind us that sometimes we do need to “fight” for our marriages. Read his thoughts and then we’ll add some thoughts afterward:

Peace is not the absence of noise. Have you ever thought of that? It’s particularly true in marriages. Perhaps you believe that if there are no loud words, no heated exchanges— essentially, no fighting … everything must be okay. Problem is, if there is no fighting, it can mean there is no “anything.”

There are a lot of marriages dying today in silent apathy. Men in particular, but women as well, can mistake routine for satisfaction. If everything is taken care of — the home is neat, the kids are bathed, the bills are being paid, the food is on the table — they believe everything is fine …when under the surface there are a lot of ongoing and unsolved problems. What can you do to give your marriage a fighting chance?

First, settle the fact that your vows do matter. Your marriage commitment was for a lifetime. There is no “out.” You said, “I do.” You need to live as though you meant it. Therefore, you must set aside all other priorities to make your marriage work. That’s what a marriage is, by the way. It’s work. You want to think of it as being nothing but pleasurable, existing to meet your expectations. But that’s not reality. Think of it like a bank account. Your marriage is only going to grow as long as your depositing more into it than you are withdrawing from it. Ask yourself, “What more can I put into my marriage to show my spouse that I am truly committed to this relationship?”

Secondly, keep in mind the Biblical principle to think not only of your own interests, but the interests of others. That means you are to make the marriage — and your spouse — more important than yourself and your perceived needs. Get behind the eyes of your husband or wife. See life like they do. Sacrifice yourself for the benefit of the marriage. Ask your spouse, “What are some things you need from me than I am currently not providing for you?”

Finally, don’t be afraid of conflicts. Instead, face them head-on, wrestle them down to the mat, and pin them down. Then know how to make up — not remaining bitter or resentful, but instead letting the disagreement enhance your understanding and respect for each other. There are a lot of silent marriages that are really not at all peaceful. But there are those that have some conflict — sometimes even argumentative and angry — that are peaceful because those couples can resolve their conflicts in a Biblically appropriate and constructive way.

When you, as husband and wife, are able to:

• Solidify your commitment to the marriage
• Place your spouse ahead of yourself
• Go ahead and engage in conflict in a healthy way

You’ll forever wake up the silent apathy in your marriage, and begin moving toward the deeper affection and intimacy you need to keep it alive and growing… ’til death do you part! And that’s far more than just a fighting chance!

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I (Steve) used to think that if there were no “loud words” or “heated exchanges”, then everything must be “okay” in our marriage. But, like Dr. Carlson said, I came to realize that I was content with “silent apathy.” It took quite a while for me to realize that this approach to handling conflict in our marriage wasn’t healthy. And I’m glad to say that I am a “Recovering ‘Silent Apathetic.’” I say “recovering” because I can still fall back into the old patterns of silent apathy. 

Cindy and I believe it’s important for both of you to identify the weak areas of your lives that can leave you vulnerable to all kinds of marital problems and/or attacks. It can be silent apathy, passive-aggressive behavior, yelling, lying, cheating, or any number of other character flaws and sins. We must realize that the enemy of our faith knows our weak areas and will exploit them to the fullest to try and wreck our marriages. Therefore our best “defense” is a good “offense.” That means we don’t shy away or ignore our problems …rather we identify those areas and we find ways to correct them. Again, I like the way Dr. Carlson phrased it, “Fight for Our Marriages.”

That’s one of the reasons we started Marriage Missions 6 years ago. We wanted to provide resources to help you not only identify the problems you may have in your marriage, but also help you find the solutions (and Fight for Your Marriage) in a way that honors God and strengthens your covenant. And, from the letters we receive, we know that God has been faithful to use this ministry to accomplish that goal.

And because of that, we need to ask for your prayers. Right now we are undertaking the massive project of revising our web site. The end result will be a web site that will be even more helpful to those who are searching the internet looking for “answers.” We are adding more articles and references and opening new sections. One in particular is dedicated to helping the marriages of pastors and full-time Christian workers and their spouses. This new web site will also offer you and others to post comments (Blog) on articles that will give the opportunity to share your own insights that might be able to help someone else.

We’ve already poured hundreds of hours into this project and we’re just a little over half-way through. So, here’s what we would ask you to pray for:

1) That God would continue to guide and direct us regarding “what” He wants on His (our) web site and that we would sense and follow the leading of His Holy Spirit.
2) That we would have the physical, emotional and spiritual strength to finish this project in a timely manner. We don’t want to run ahead nor lag behind God’s time line for completing this.
3) That our marriage would remain strong.
4) Also, pray the Armor of God (Ephesians 6) around us so that the enemy cannot “rob” or “destroy” what God wants to accomplish. And we have been experiencing his “fiery darts.”
5) Pray too, that all of the additional “needs” associated with this undertaking would be met abundantly.

We know we cannot do this in our own strength. This ministry was born out of prayer, has been sustained by prayer and will flourish both now and in the future because you will be joining with us in prayer. Whatever we lack — He will provide (beyond what we could ever “ask or think”). Thank you for allowing us to share our heart… and our burden with you. Through your prayers you are as much a part of the success of the new web site as we are.

Steve and Cindy Wright

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