One individual life may be of priceless value to God’s purposes, and yours may be that life (Oswald Chambers).

And yours may be that marriage. Last week we talked on having a “priceless marriage” in God’s eye as the two of you live in covenant with God and with each other knowing that “as believers in Christ, your lives are on display for others to observe God through.” We want to continue on with that thought but in a different light.

The questions come to mind, “but what if your spouse doesn’t live in such a way that Christ is the Lord of his/her life and Lord of your marriage? What if he/she doesn’t appear to want to make this marriage work as much as you do? Is there any hope in making this marriage a good one if only one marital partner is putting in the work and commitment it takes to improve it?”

The answer to all of these questions is a definite “YES!” We continually meet people whose lives are living testimonies to this. If we didn’t know it to be true, we wouldn’t even bring this subject up. One spouse, who unconditionally loves by their words and their actions can without a doubt, make a positive difference in their marriage — especially when they prayerfully ask for and continually follow the Lord’s leading in their lives.

This has even been true in our own marriage at times when one or the other of us has been “off base” in our words and/or behavior. People look at us and don’t believe we’ve struggled deeply in our own marriage at times. But we have, and we probably will in the future because we’re two imperfect people. We do what we shouldn’t even though we know better.

Even the apostle Paul found himself in that spot at times. (Read Romans 7:15-20.) That doesn’t excuse those actions. It should never be! But what should happen when we find ourselves in that place where we feel like the “Lone Ranger” in trying to make our marriage the best it can be under strained conditions?

It’s our prayer that every one of us will always remember that we’re to be promise-keepers— keeping our promises to our spouse and to our God no matter what. And that we’ll live out what we’re told in Ephesians 5:1-2 where it says, “Be imitators of God, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” God is able to redeem sacrifices we make in honor of His word.

All of this flies in the face of what most people would tell us we should “put up with” in our married lives. After a certain point, it’s as if an invisible line is drawn in the sand which says “enough is enough”— if our spouse “isn’t going to work harder on making the marriage work, why should I?”

There’s an encouraging article on this subject we’d recommend for you to read. It’s entitled: “Why Should I Be the One to Change?” (by therapist and relational expert Michele Weiner-Davis). You can read this article on the web-site: www.divorcebusting.com. It would be worth searching it out because there’s also one story after another (on the same web site) of people who’ve saved their marriages single-handedly. It’s not a “Christian” web site in particular, but we’ve found the information, to be very sound Biblically.

Briefly, in this article Michele says she’s “worked with so many people living in quiet desperation because they’re utterly convinced that their way of seeing things is right and their partner is wrong. They spend a lifetime trying to get their partners to share their views.” She says she continually hears the “I’ll change if s/he changes philosophy” that ultimately leads to a stalemate.

Variations on this position can be, “I’d be nicer to her, if she’d be nicer to me,” or “I’d be more physically affectionate if he’d more communicative with me,” or “I’d be more considerate and tell her about my plans if she wouldn’t hound me all the time about what I do.” In other words, “I’ll be different if you start being different first. ”

As the article continues, Michelle, in working with couples for years has learned “how change occurs in relationships. It’s like a chain reaction. If one person changes, the other one does too.” “It’s simply a matter of tipping over the first domino. Change is reciprocal.”

“When one partner changes, the other partner changes too. It’s a law of relationships. If you aren’t getting what you need or want from your loved one, instead of trying to convince him or her to change, why not change your approach to the situation?” If what you’re doing (talking to your partner about the error of his/her ways) hasn’t been working, NO MATTER HOW STERLING YOUR LOGIC, you’re not going to get very far.

Be more flexible and creative. Be more strategic. Spend more time trying to figure out what might work as opposed to being bent on driving your point home. You might be pleasantly surprised.”

Some other thoughts on “being of priceless value to God’s purposes in your marriage” brings up another way of looking at marital difficulty as given by evangelist Luis Palau (when he spoke on the radio program Focus on the Family). He was talking about wives, but this can also apply to husbands. He said,

“If she cannot see a change, can’t she turn that situation around and say, ‘I’m going to give my life for the people in my neighborhood? I’m going to try to empathize with women who are suffering. I’m a Christian; therefore, I’ll turn my situation into a source of good.’ All of us have conflicts in our home, even the best of us. So can’t we turn our weaknesses into strengths by thinking, ‘how many people are going through what I’m going through, therefore, I’ll learn something from this situation with my spouse and use it for the glory of God’?”

Lastly, Dr. Tim Clinton, author of the book, Before a Bad Goodbye— How to Turn Your Marriage Around (a book we highly recommend) further brings out this principle on this subject. He says,

“One of God’s purposes is to reveal Himself to others through you. You’re going through a deep trial right now, and He’ll be reflected both in the grace you display while you work your way through it and in the eventual comfort you’ll give others because of the comfort He gives you (2 Corinthians 1:3-5). As you see God as your refuge, as your strength, and a present help in this time of trouble (Psalm 46:1), those around you will see that He would be there for them as well if they called upon Him. This trial will allow you to become God’s living truth. So as you make decisions, and respond to what’s taking place, no matter how confused you might be, remember you’re God’s witness. Behave in such a way as to bring Him glory.”

Being of priceless value to God’s purposes in your marriage may not come in a way that we ever thought or planned for when we first made our wedding vows. It may come through times that are frustrating and extremely difficult. That’s the “for better or for worse part.” It can appear unfair this side of heaven, but it’s not about being fair, it’s about being promise keepers and men and women of integrity and spiritual maturity.

Our love and prayers are with you as together we commit our lives and our marriages to be the best they can be in Christ,

Steve and Cindy Wright

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