“A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers.”

All of us want others to completely forgive us but all too often when the tables are turned and we’re the one who is asked to forgive, we’re not as gracious in doing so—at least not without having them “suffer” for a bit by our being “spiky” in the way we handle it.

We came across a good reminder for all of us of the importance of being dispensers of grace—as God would have us. It comes from a small non-religious book called, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love by Richard and Kristine Carlson (published by Hyperion) which has some great little lessons for us all. This particular chapter says:

Sadly, many people find it difficult to apologize. Over the years, the two of us have heard a number of very wise people speculate that one of the reasons this might be true is because, when we do apologize, it’s often accepted in less than a graceful manner.

When this is the case, it takes some of the motivation away to continue apologizing, even when appropriate. This is a shame because most happy couples will insist that both offering and receiving apologies are integral parts of a loving and growing relationship.

I overheard what I thought was an excellent example of this problem while I was sitting at a coffee shop. With tears in her eyes, a woman was sharing with her husband that she was sorry that her work had become consuming. Apparently, she had been traveling a great deal and was spending lots of time away from him and their children. I gathered that this was taking a toll on the family as well as on their relationship.

Obviously, I don’t know all the facts, and they certainly aren’t any of my business. However, regardless of the specifics, one thing was perfectly clear. His inability to soften and open his heart in response to her genuine and heartfelt apology was guaranteeing an escalation of any problems they were already having. Rather than hug her, hold her hand, or even reassure his wife, he gave her a disapproving look that seemed to make her heart sink.

While I have no way of knowing for sure, it appeared as though he was trying to make her feel even guiltier than she already felt.

Like everyone who offers an apology, this woman was opening the door to loving communication, a possible compromise, or perhaps even a solution. In order for an apology to be effective, however, both parties must do their part.

In this instance, the woman’s husband wasn’t willing to do so. Consequently, he was missing an opportunity to strengthen their relationship. He was increasing the likelihood that she would become less apologetic in the future, and that she might even begin to see him as the problem. When apologies aren’t accepted, bitterness and resentment often creep into the picture.

Granted, most of us will probably not be quite as visibly ungraceful in our acceptance of an apology. However, we might push our partner away in other, more subtle ways. We might, for instance, mumble under our breath, sigh, make a condescending comment such as “It’s about time,” or in some other way minimize or fail to fully accept the apology.

We’ve found that, in most instances, an apology is an excellent opportunity to deepen our love and our partnership. It’s an ideal time to make a genuine effort to listen deeply and respectfully. It’s a time to experience empathy and gratitude for the fact that our partner is willing to apologize, which is something not everyone is able to do.

Further, when we accept an apology, it makes it far more likely that our partner will do the same for us when it’s our turn to apologize.

The next time your spouse (or anyone else) offers an apology, see if you can really take it to heart. Soften your edges and open your heart. You may find that, despite whatever the apology is about, your relationship will be able to enter a new, even more rewarding, phase.

---

We knew these thoughts from the Carlson’s could promote some healing in our marriages. But let’s also look at what God’s word says about this. The Life Application Bible commentary on Psalm 103:12, (which says, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us”) reminds us that “God has wiped our record clean. If we are to follow God, we must model His forgiveness. When we forgive another, we must also forget the sin. Otherwise, we have not truly forgiven.” 

Then, in Colossians 3:13, Paul gives us another picture of what forgiveness should look like in a Christ-Follower’s life: “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Then the commentary on this verse adds, “Realizing God’s infinite love and forgiveness can help you love and forgive others.”

We trust this coming week will be one where we are dispensers of grace and forgiveness—especially in our marriages and families.

Steve and Cindy Wright

 Print This Page (printer-friendly)

 Email This Page