Question: I was wondering if you could post strict guidelines to sexual purity, like the Do’s and Don’ts of it all. Maybe I missed them somewhere on the site—if I did I am sorry. If you could email me with them and any helpful thoughts to it, it would help my 40 day challenge a lot.

Answer: Thanks so much for emailing us. You pose some great questions and thoughts.

Well, you didn’t miss the “do’s” and “don’ts” guidelines on the website. Actually, they’re conspicuously missing because they don’t exist. Well, I guess they do exist, but maybe not in the form most of us think. I searched for 13 years to find the comprehensive list of guidelines for how to remain sexually pure and concluded my search in frustration and shame. I made up numerous rules along the way to try and keep myself from acting out, but all proved to be in vain. I tried, and tried, and tried, but failed every time. Why? I was focused on changing behaviors rather than having God change my heart.

This may seem like oversimplifying, but it really isn’t. We have hundreds of men contact our ministry who want to know specifically what to do to walk in sexual purity. They say, “Give me the rules so I can be a man of purity.” The problem is that we have had the “rules” for thousands of years. The Old Testament law is the rules. But we have proven over and over again that we cannot keep the law.

That’s why Jesus Christ paid the penalty we owed in order to gain the freedom we needed. Galatians 5:1 says, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Christ did not pay the ultimate price so we could wander back into slavery to the law. He fulfilled the law so we could benefit from the life He now gives us.

Living a lifestyle of purity every day is more about our faithfulness to submit our will and emotions to God than it is about striving to behave “just right.” Focusing on behavior requires that we focus on ourselves. Focusing on submission to God requires focus on our Savior. Do you see the difference?

I know how frustrating it can be to ask for a specific answer and get the reply I am sending. But that’s how I believe God works in our lives. He wants us to dig deeper than external actions and focus where life occurs—in our hearts (Proverbs 4:23). “For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45b)

Our actions will fall in line with the direction of our hearts 100% of the time. It is a principle of life. So, to be pure in action requires we become pure in heart. And to be pure in heart means we must develop intimacy with our Creator.

I hope this makes sense and is an encouragement to you. I realize it may seem vague and hard to grasp, but it works. God radically changed my life when I shifted my focus from all that I was doing wrong to gazing intently at Him. I’m convinced that the primary “task” of being a man of purity is constantly checking to see if my heart is focused on God. If my heart is in line with truth, then my actions will be also.

One final encouragement—don’t try this alone. God makes it clear that He wants us to grow in our faith in fellowship. “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17)

Build a network of support with some other guys who can sharpen you and keep you focused on where God is leading. The friendships you develop will be worth it.

This article came from an e-mail they send out periodically to those who subscribe to this service. This section of their newsletter is designed to give one “sample” of a person who contacted their ministry seeking answers—and their response to them. (Names, if used, have been altered to protect the identity of these courageous individuals.)

This ministry is dedicated to helping hurting people find the grace of God to heal the wounds inflicted by pornography and sexual sin—not only to heal, but to allow God’s grace to empower sexual strugglers to walk in purity day by day. Their site is designed to assist you in finding help, resources, and education on sexual purity. Whether you battle a sexual addiction or struggle lightly, you should benefit from the resources there. If you have any questions you can contact them athelp@bebroken.com.

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