I strongly don’t believe in divorce but do not see myself in this abusive marriage any longer. I pray to God everyday that He will intervene and that my husband will change his ways because I don’t think that I’m up to living the same life with him as before.

I had told my husband over the phone at one time I didn’t even know if I believed in God anymore! He told me not to do that. I went to the bookstore and bought two books: What Makes a Man Feel Loved? by Bob Barnes and Love That Lasts by Jill Briscoe. I was hoping to find ways to make our marriage better, but it really opened my eyes to the things I was doing to hurt him and our marriage. It really helped me to settle my feelings down.

It is funny how God answers prayers. I suspected strongly that he was cheating, but couldn’t believe it because he always spoke so strongly against it. I was ready to fix things when it came out in the open. We are human and as much as we think we would take action instead of react to things others are doing, we still make those mistakes. I asked my husband why it happened? He didn’t really know, his first answers were… You were always in bed by 9 O’clock. I didn’t think it was important for me to come home! (I could see then I was letting things overwhelm me and keeping me from being a companion to him.)

He had started staying out at the bar more and more hanging with his friends. The other…had to do with pressures and stress, worry about providing (I could see that too, because he is under time limits in a physically demanding seasonal job). He tried to take these back and said he was just crazy and major stupid. But I wouldn’t let him, mainly because I could already see some of the things that I had been doing.

Even though things had been good and we hadn’t been fighting before that, I’m not for dishing blame and not taking any of it myself. I could also tell the guilt that was eating at him by not telling. I think he was really afraid I was going to go all off on him. I do get really sad and cry sometimes, but I try to keep it between me and God. A few times he has been around and just held me and let me cry. In any case, things in many ways are better than they have ever been.

The Love and Respect book I’ve just read. Maybe ask your husband to give it another try and do some of the things in this book. Keep your emotions under control, think carefully about what you want to say. Try to do what is best for the other person. I really believe you can rebuild love. I will pray for you!! Don’t tell him what he needs fixing, changing, or preach about a spirit filled life; fix yourself and let the results he sees in you move him to be better. Keep learning and growing.

Now I hope that we can talk and perhaps have a controlled separation and get our own selves together. Our marriage is not Spirit-filled because neither of us are. We used to have such interesting doctrinal conversations! Please pray that we can talk and I can be patient until then, and let God work! Thank you.

PS: He has told me over and over again in the last 6.5 years of our marriage that he would never leave.

I will be praying for you that whatever happens will be in the best interest of you.

Anyway, I asked him to leave in hopes that he would realize what he was losing. He moved out to a hotel for 2 weeks then into an apartment. We have not been able to talk over the past 6 months without fighting. Mostly it ends up with me feeling hurt because instead of taking time to go to counseling as I have suggested over and over again, he continues to spend time with her. Instead of calling me and talking like he promises, he spends time with her… To make matters worse, she emails me and lets me know when he is with her – thereby proving to me he is lying to me.

He insists he just needs time by himself and that she is only a friend – they are not romantically involved. He can’t understand why I cannot get past this and all we do anymore is fight. Prior to this affair, we fought every once in a while but not much at all – all of our friends thought we were the perfect couple and even I was not aware of how bad things were – he kept his feelings about all of the issues he now has to himself. Supposedly he has been extremely unhappy for the past 4 years, only he never indicated to me he was so unhappy.

We have completely separated at this point, living in two different cities and not sharing finances anymore. We have no children – thank God. I wanted a structured separation where we both would go to counseling separate and eventually together. I wanted him to stop seeing her and work on himself as well as us. He says he loves me but that he can’t be with me – he needs to find himself.

At this point we are not even talking at all because every time he promises me something – he fails to come through. I couldn’t take it anymore and asked that he not call and I filed for divorce. I’m not sure divorce is what either of us wants. I feel like we are caught in a vicious cycle and can’t get out of it. I would rather to be on my own and making a new life than to live through another year of pure torture as I have for the past year and almost half.

I guess what I’m asking is there a way to save my marriage? My counselor has said I should leave him because he shows no concern or compassion and has no interest in saving us… any thoughts?

You and your husband had problems before he beat you that obviously needed to be dealt with, but now you REALLY have problems! He has crossed over a line and has given himself permission to violate you in ways that are dangerous. You need to be very cautious and patient in how fast you reconcile and be intentional in the steps that you require to be in place (for a long period of time) before you make that move.

I don’t doubt that he can be a wonderful person at times and that you COULD have a good relationship again. But when he laid hands on you as he did, the conditions for reconciliation in living together again as husband and wife became much more complicated. I encourage you to pray, read, pray, get good, godly counseling if it’s available, pray, and make wise deliberate and sober decisions for your future. I can’t emphasize how important this is for all of your sakes — for your husband’s sake as well as yours and your child’s. My prayers are with you.

Well, once I went ahead a signed a lease for a new apartment, things turned around and got better and my husband wanted us to stay. His attitude changed and he started to become more positive and loving, so I decided to hold off on moving. He even went to marriage counseling which he refused to do before. Needless to say I was so happy with the hope of my new life with my "new husband."

A week after the "changes" my husband became very angry and actually beat me very badly last week. Because of this have decided to move away from him immediately. I did not call the police or take any legal action because I realize that my husband needs help and healing and in order to allow that we MUST separate to allow that. He feels terrible about what he has done and is very remorseful. I even find myself feeling very sorry for him and I have also been very lonely but I know that I must allow some time to pass and not let my loneliness get the best of me and make it so that I make a bad decision and get back into a bad situation.

I told my husband that I don’t plan on leaving him for good by moving, we just need time and space before we can make it right. I gave him a time line of 6 months. At first he said he felt abandoned by me but then he agreed that this is best for our family. Now that I am moving I finally feel that things are going in the right direction for both of us and I also feel like this is the change we both needed. I am just hoping that we don’t lose our love for one another. Within the last week since the beating, he has come to see me and our daughter 2 times and we have been getting along great and very hopeful for our new relationship but he was a little upset when I told him that at this point I am not 100% comfortable letting him know where I live.

I have been praying for my husband, our marriage and our family faithfully everyday and I believe that God is going to heal us and we will have a testimony at the end of all this.

I was in radio for a very long time and truly enjoyed it. He didn’t want me to travel in order to work so I basically gave it up. This caused depression and made me feel less than because I took lower paying jobs. I turned to alcohol on many occasions to deal with the pain. This happened off and on throughout our relationship. When I drank (he drinks too) we would get into terrible arguments. I finally decided to take a new career path and became an insurance agent and I really enjoy that kind of work as I like helping people. But I was still depressed because everything that we did was always things that he wanted to do for fun. Never what I wanted to do.

In the last year everything finally snowballed. He had promised me years ago that we would move from Ohio and never kept that promise. I wanted to live some place warmer. My son graduated two years ago and I was left alone. That’s the way I felt. I also felt like the only thing that I was good for was bed.

I visited my son in May in Tampa and when I went back home I couldn’t pull myself from the depression of being separated from my kids. Last year was the first Christmas that I spent without any of my family and it really got to me. We always did things with his family, not mine. He also took a vacation without me last year.

In August, I packed my stuff and left and moved in with my son in Tampa. It has now been four months and I want this marriage to work so bad. My husband never stopped calling me (at least twice a day except for weekends when he is too busy partying with his buddies). He has finally agreed to come down after Christmas to spend a week with me which we both agreed would be the start of rebuilding our marriage.

He doesn’t trust me. And he doesn’t want me to move back home unless he knows for sure that I will never leave again. Never Drink again. And will get a good paying job to help out with the bills. We also were in financial straits before I made this move and he is still trying to straighten this out as well.

He is a good man and I know he is but he makes me feel as if this is all my fault and he won’t open up to me unless it is to throw my leaving him in my face. I don’t see us getting back together until next summer and in the meantime he limits my phone time with him and basically won’t let me express my feelings to him. If I start to cry he only gets angry and threatens to hang up the phone.

I start therapy tomorrow (I was going before I left). I wish that I hadn’t left but I did and there is no way for me to apologize enough. I spend my evenings alone every night. I don’t go anywhere and I don’t have any friends down here. I am so tired of crying all the time and begging him to help me make this work.

Every weekend he goes to his friends house and parties and it makes me hurt even more because he won’t call me after he has started partying. He doesn’t want me to know what time he gets home and doesn’t want to fight as it has caused many fights in the beginning of our separation.

Before I left, the plan was for me to get a good paying job down here and for him to retire and move down here with me. Now he has said he will not move but is staying in Ohio. I will have to move back there if I want to be with him. I don’t mind that but I just want to feel as if the work I am doing is worth it. He says he loves me but it is just going to take some time for him to get over this. I thought when he made the step to see me that this was a positive step in the right direction to rebuilding our marriage but we can’t rebuild if he can’t let go of the past.

I have no self esteem and I am tired of crying every night and becoming a recluse. I am hurting probably more than him. He has friends and family to occupy his life. I just have my son (who is 21 and never here) and myself. It’s a lonely existence. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I pray to God everyday to help me through. Thank you for listening.

I was annoyed with minor things like poor house keeping skills, lack of responsibility, lack of affection, lack of consideration. We never argued or really brought up many discussions of our behavior, until the day she left and we realized our initial issues that led up to her leaving… she felt trapped, restricted, confined and imprisoned and I felt unappreciated, rejected, abandoned and like I had to pull all the weight and handle all the responsibility on my own shoulders… ok, so that ’s my story in a nutshell.

I don’t know your circumstances. I don’t know if there are cultural differences that are getting in between you and your husband — plus many other “baggage” and gender difference issues, as well as plain old every day differences that happen when two people try to blend their lives and marry. Whatever the problems, you can still bridge them, but it will take a lot of intentionality and mature thinking to do so. I think Tony hit on something good in what he recommended, as far as a solution to your going back together.

While I don’t entirely agree that a couple can always come to a “mutual and enthusiastic” agreement on everything before they proceed with decisions that need to be made (because some men and some women are more into dominating the other rather than agreeing together … and sometimes you have to make decisions that break the domination that one tries to have over the other), I do believe that it would be good to approach your husband by saying, “I WANT to come home… that is my goal… help me to do that.” You can say, “If you TRULY want me to come home, help me. I just can’t come home to an angry household. That is not good for either of us. But if we work together, we can work beyond this and come together again.”

If your husband continues to approach you with anger, then he is making a decision NOT to help you come home. Anger issues are why you left in the first place.

It is said that foolishness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. By continually applying anger to the issues that are separating you, the results will remain the same. It’s foolish to go home to that. Tell him that you won’t come home until your differences are being bridged in mature, level-headed ways by BOTH of you.

If he can calm down and you can talk together, and listen to each other, and figure out what to do to resolve the issues that have been causing problems, then you can eventually come home. If he wants this badly enough, he will help you to come home to a peaceful place to live together in marriage. That is mutually beneficial for both of you.

I don’t know if he will go to a counselor with you, or a pastor, or some type of mediator that can help you both to work through your issues. That would probably be best. However, some men and some women won’t do that. They feel too out of control and feel it would be too humiliating. That is sad because it is better to feel foolish for a short time with a counselor, than to BE foolish and continue on in unhealthy ways for a lifetime. If your husband won’t go with you to a counselor, then it will probably be more difficult to bridge your differences — not impossible, but much, much more difficult.

It’s not unusual at all to be married 8 months and find yourselves continually disagreeing with each other — especially when both of you have come from places of hurt because of past experiences. That’s why a counselor could be a good person to go to, so you have help in clearing away some of the junk that is in the way of being able to work together in a peaceable way.

But if you or your husband won’t go together, then you need to rise to the occasion and find a way to make a plan — maybe putting together some “Conflict Guidelines” (like we have posted in the “Communication Tools” section, or similar). You need some kind of a Marriage Constitution or 10 Commandments for your household — guidelines of some sort, that you both pledge to abide by, so that you can work through your differences in ways that aren’t so hurtful and harmful to your relationship. And after you draft them up, you start to use them and see if you need to revise anything. It’s a good start. And then you keep using them.

Some people think that kind of thing is stupid and want to just plain fight it out instead. But how’s that working for you? It’s better to feel foolish for a while than to remain foolish and let it break up your marriage.

We’ve got a lot of tools on our web site in the Communication sections. And we recommend a lot of resources and refer people to a lot of other ministries and organizations for further help in those sections.

The point is, do something different than that which hasn’t been working for you so far. Don’t allow yourselves to stoop so low as to treat each other with disrespect. You can still disagree and treat each other in respectable ways. My husband and I manage to do it (and trust me, the temptation is there for both of us to go in a different direction). But we just can’t let it, or it will damage our marriage. Many other good marriages stay in tact because they find ways to do this as well. I pray that you will be able to convince your husband for BOTH of you to do this.

Make a plan to go back together, but don’t rush it. Make sure it’s working well first. I pray you’re able to both make this your last marriage. I pray you’re able to both resolve NOT to let this separate you forever. I pray you both work to make your marriage the best it can be with the help the Lord can give you. I trust that you can.

Obviously, if he didn’t feel this was the way, and you did it anyway, that’s going to create some really bad feelings and give him the impression you cannot be trusted.

I see now at the end of your post that he thought otherwise, but you did this anyway. So understand, that is likely a very big part of his current anger.

I’m not saying what you felt was wrong. I’m just saying to understand that unilateral action is seldom, if ever the way to resolve marriage issues. It doesn’t matter if he’s acting unilaterally or you are. Leaving unilaterally is NOT a controlled separation.

What is the plan for re-uniting? You’ve left. But what is the plan for returning? What do you have to correct in your own behavior before you return? What do you want him to address?

It cannot be all about his bad behavior, and frankly, you deciding to leave without him being enthusiastic sends the message that he’s the problem. He may be PART of the problem, but I doubt he’s the entire problem.

So what is your plan? Or better yet, ask him to make a plan. If he wants you to return, then ask him to make a plan and the two of you can work on tweaking the plan so that both of you are enthusiastic about it.

Frankly, being apart is about the worst way to come together, especially if there is no plan in place that both of you can enthusiastically agree upon.

We are married 8 months and fighting everyday bad. It is his 3rd and my 2nd marriage. We are both are really scared, so with the fear and everything else, I had to leave or we would never make it. I am going to a counselor 2 days a week and he is going to a counselor. We have been apart 6 weeks and have seen each other one weekend and it does not seem like it is getting any better. He is very angry. I really want us to have a health relationship and I really felt this was the only way. He didn’t.