This article discusses the fact that “It is possible to break the cycle of abuse within your marriage and experience God’s restoration.”
You then will have the option on their web site to read other related articles such as: “Emotional Abuse in the Local Church” if you wish to read further on this topic.
To read, “Healing the Emotionally Abusive Marriage” we will take you to the ministry of Focus on the Family.
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(USA) My husband seems to hate me and has serious control issues and gets angry with me daily about anything. He continually puts me down whether it be my cooking or my parenting. Does anyone else experience this with their spouse?
(USA) Hi Shelley, Sorry to hear what you are going through in your marriage. It may be of small comfort but I did want to tell you that you are definitely not the only one.
I (and my husband) are currently healing from an abusive marriage (physically and verbally, which always translates to emotional abuse). There are still days where the verbal continues but they are fewer than ever before. They may not ever go away completely but in the process of us confronting the problem and doing something about it (instead of just praying and hoping it would go away; our church ultimately had to step in because my physical safety and my son’s was in doubt), my relationship with the Lord has changed and become so much stronger that when the angry behavior does come up, I handle it much differently than before.
I no longer feel a total lack of hope. Drawing close to the Lord is what helps us overcome but that’s not to say that other people’s problems don’t affect us at all or should be ignored, especially if they are serious ones.
I wanted to suggest to you to go to the comments on the "power of a praying wife" article page on this website. There are a LOT of women there in various stages of overcoming and struggle and there is probably a lot of information that you can use. Here is the link :
http://www.marriagemissions.com/the-power-of-a-praying-wife/
With love and prayers, LT
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband and I cannot talk, it will always end up in quarrel. I have this obstacle when we associate with his family, there is always another woman which we both don’t know. He will then watch this woman from a distance the whole time and later he will start dancing with her while I am sitting there. When I want to speak with him he gets angry and tells me that I see things.
He also commented that when he dances with another woman that it does not mean anything. But this is a huge problem for me as I respect him, our marriage, and cannot see myself in some strangers arms dancing. I want to know if a married man is allowed to do this as I feel like a victim. Whenever I need to discuss this with him he never provides an answer but instead he raised his voice and says that I do not understand him as we have different backgrounds in the way we have been brought up. Please help!
(USA) ARE PEOPLE AWARE OF THE FACT THAT THEY ARE MENTALLY OR EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE? DO THEY KNOW THAT THEY ARE HURTING YOU AND JUST DON’T CARE, OR DO THEY NOT HAVE A CLUE AS TO HOW THEY ARE BEHAVING?
(USA) Can substance and alcohol abuse make a person become emotionally abusive? If they are not aware of how they are behaving, is there any way you can help them, especially if you can tell they are hurting also, because in the past, they, themselves, have been emotionally abused? Or is it all a lost cause trying to help? Are the people that are emotionally abusive set in their ways and aware of their actions and not willing or wanting to change?
This person does not display all the symptoms but does display signs. I want to help but not if I am being intentionally hurt and this person does not care. Someone, help me understand. I have no one to talk to and am very confused.
I don’t want to walk out on someone I love with all my heart and would do anything. But at the same time I am being destroyed emotionally and can’t allow anyone to reduce me to a puddle of tears, especially if they are aware of what they are doing. If they are not aware, then I would love to stand by their side and pull them through this.
Thanks to anyone that can help me.
(USA) Hi Amy – those are good questions. I live in an abusive marriage and it has been a struggle. There used to be physical abuse but we had an intervention (for my husband) for that part but since that time the verbal abuse has stayed the same, if not worsened (name-calling, threats of violence against me, etc).
Here’s what I will tell you from all the reading I’ve done (and I’ve done a LOT) as well as counseling I’ve received. Most of the models for abuse, in the counseling world, were actually developed originally based on families of addicts (alcoholics, etc.)
Back in the days of "not talking about it" in the 50’s and 60’s, many of the abusive family situations involved alcoholics and so the models/ideas used to help victims of abuse stemmed from that.
I have 2 book recommendations for you that I highly recommend to you. They have played a tremendous role for me in helping me discern that yes, there still is a problem in my own marriage, as well as what some of my options might be to deal with the problem. I think it’s great that you are looking for a solution and not just to bail out – keeping your mind open to resolving the problem (not just walking out on it) is always a good place to be and I believe that is what is honorable to God (he doesn’t give up on us after all).
The 2 books are: Foolproofing Your Life, Jan Silvious and Love Must Be Tough, James Dobson. The second book I mention is geared toward marriages with infidelity but on the Focus on the Family website (Dobson’s organization) they actually suggest in one of the Q&A’s to use the same approach for abusive marriages (addiction symptoms and abuse symptoms are so similar that I’d say the same applies to you if you find that you are in an abusive marriage).
To discern what is really going on, you should do a lot of deep prayer. Ask the Lord for wisdom and discernment and He will give it to you. And also take a look at the abuse section of this site and click on the emotional/verbal articles that will help you more in determining if it describes your marriage or not.
Also – yes, most abusers (and addicts) tend to be in denial. There is nothing you can do to get them to see what they are doing. You can find a counselor for yourself to help you, if you know of a good Christian counselor. And then those 2 books have VERY good suggestions on dealing with someone who is difficult or in denial about a serious problem.
Hope this helps. With love, LT
(SOUTH AFRICA) The Marriage Missions website has had a lot of positive effects on my marriage. My husband is emotionally abusive and we could not go through the whole day without him passing insults at me, bringing me down for either my parenting skills, my weight, my family or even my career.
I have prayed and prayed about it but I read one very good piece of advice that triggered the healing in my marriage. I started changing in the way I approached him and the way I viewed his emotional abuse and bad temper. I started seeing him as a God’s creature that needed my love and guidance. It hasn’t been easy but my husband is changing, he’s more supportive and he can notice when he is hurting my feelings.
We still have our ups and downs but I try to invite him to pray with me. When he is in a good mood I verbally transfer the knowledge I have gained from the site, just to share with him that this marriage is not ours anyway but God’s, that the way we treat each other is a reflection of how we view God.
Marriage is not an easy path but we have to invite the Holy Spirit to guide us for none of us is without fault. I hope this helps.
(UNITED STATES) MY WIFE AND I RECENTLY SEPARATED BECAUSE OF DRUGS AND ABUSE COMMITTED BY BOTH PARTIES. MY HEART IS COMPLETELY BROKEN. I MARRIED INTO A PRETTY TOUGH SITUATION. MY PARENTS BOUGHT US A HOUSE, AND SHE HAS 3 KIDS THAT ARE REALLY WILD, AND WERE DESTROYING THE HOUSE. ALSO, WE WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANIMALS UNTIL WE OWNED THE HOUSE STRAIGHT OUT, AND MY WIFE KEPT BRINGING HOME CATS. THE SCREENS ON THE WINDOWS ARE SHREDDED, FROM THE CAT WANTING TO COME IN, AND THE CHILDREN LITTERED THE HOUSE WITH FOOD AND CRUMBS UNTIL WE FINALLY HAD MICE.
WHEN I TRIED TO DISCIPLINE THE KIDS AND PUT THEM IN THEIR ROOM, SHE WOULD TAKE GREAT OFFENSE, AND AT ONE POINT EVEN TRIED TO STAB ME. I PLEADED WITH HER OVER AND OVER TO GET RID OF THE ANIMALS, AND HELP ME DISCIPLINE THE KIDS SO THEY WOULDN’T GROW TO HATE ME AND SEE HER AS THE PROTECTOR. ALSO WE HAD A SEVERE DRUG PROBLEM. SHE WOULD COME HOME AFTER WORK, AND LAY ON THE COUCH AND CONSTANTLY MAKE SARCASTIC, MEAN REMARKS TOWARDS ME IN FRONT OF THE KIDS. PLUS I HAD MY PARENTS YELLING AT ME BECAUSE THE HOUSE WAS GETTING RUINED.
LAST WEEK, WE HAD AN ARGUMENT, AND SHE CALLED THE POLICE. I DIDN’T LAY AN HAND ON HER, BUT SHE TOLD THE POLICE I DID. OF COURSE THERE WERE PLENTY OF TIMES WHERE EITHER OF US COULD HAVE LEGITIMATELY HAD THE OTHER ONE ARRESTED, BUT THAT NIGHT SHE STRAIGHT UP LIED. IT BROKE MY HEART. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I LOVE HER SOOOOOO MUCH. PLEASE SOMEONE PRAY FOR US.
I DON’T WANT ANOTHER WIFE, MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED TO BE FOREVER. HER HEART HAS GROWN HARD. SHE HAS SAID THINGS LIKE PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE, I’M SOCIALIZING ON A LEVEL I NEVER HAVE BEFORE. I REALIZE I BECAME PHYSICAL WITH HER IN RESPONSE TO HER EMOTIONAL ABUSE. NOW SHE IS SO COLD TOWARDS ME. PLEASE GOD, SOMEONE HELP ME, PRAY FOR ME. I WANT TO BE WITH HER FOREVER.
(USA) I feel so sorry for you. Your story really struck a cord; my husband and your wife would make a great couple. I too am married to an emotionaly abusive husband. My parents have turned their backs on me and will no longer speak to me because they just want me to leave him and that’s it. What people don’t understand is it’s easier said than done. I hope you are able to work out your issues. I have just about given up on mine.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have been reading all your stories. What most of us don’t realise is that the majority of the time when our spouses are being emotionally abusive, the cause has nothing to do with us at all. I’ve discovered (and I am still in an emotionally abusive marriage) that when my husband degrades me, insults me and lashes out at me, it is because he is disappointed in himself. So what does he do? He lashes at at those people who are closest to him. It isn’t right but it seems that is our human nature. We push people away when we actually need them the most.
So before asking "why me" or "what have I done to deserve this" – put yourself in your spouses shoes for a minute. Is it genuinely because of something you’ve done or is it because of some inner conflict and that they are disappointed in not being the person that God created them to be?
(USA) Cheryl, You speak much wisdom in what you are saying in your comment. It doesn’t justify a person’s behavior (which you know), but it does help explain what happens within some people. Sadly, they choose immature and wrong behavior when they do this, and unfortunately, the recipients suffer the most when they act in such a manner.
It’s the type of incident where the words of Christ ring true. "The meek shall inherit the earth." Meekness is strength under control. Those who unjustifiably lash out at others, show a weakness that will never bring them peace. They might feel smug for a while — which entertains the enemy of our faith, but never peace… and they certainly don’t inherit the blessings that God wants for them.