I am finally getting my head straight and getting some strength back, and trying to decide whether to leave or not. We have no family around and our so called Christian friends don’t seem to want to have anything to do with us, because we never get asked to do anything with other families. I have my friends and some support there, but I am so lonely on the inside other than my relationship with God which is good, that I want to move back home which is 300 miles away.

I have never wanted divorce, but I’m wondering if I’m doing my children more harm than good staying in a unhealthy marriage. They do well on the outside, but I know they are lonely a lot because home is not a “happy” place. I really don’t know what God wants me to do. I have biblical reason to leave, but I do not like the thought of sharing my kids with anyone else, while they are growing up My youngest is 7, up to 17 yrs. old still at home. The 17 yr. old told me the other day that this was not healthy. I don’t know what to do. I feel tormented!

I was raised with my parent three sisters and a brother. He did not like the closeness of my family and he tried to stop me from being so close with them. He would tell me that I was different than my sisters and that he was trying to make me more independent of them. When I met him he owned a house and a condo and he thought he was better then me. When he met my family he claimed he loved the “family thing” but it was not true. I had hope that once we got married it would change things. I was wrong, it became worse.

When we had our first child he dropped me off at my parents house and left us there. I became angry. Four year later we had our daughter; she was a premmie. He abandon us for five months while our daughter was on a heart monitor and I was mentally shot.

Now, five years later, I am angry. As a result I have become a “mean” woman and he now calls me a BULLY. My chest hurts, my body hurts even when I think of him. He does not talk to me, we do not have sex, at all; anything can set us off. He tells me that I am a bad mother, that’s how I went into pre-term labor.
I really want to end the marriage but I only stay because of the children and financial reasons.

I was an actress. I moved the California and I came back to marry him; he tells me flat out that I am the problem because I don’t know how to shut up. But if I don’t say anything he will not do anything, not even take out the garbage or put gas in the car. So I will do it and as a result, it is what it is. PLEASE HELP, I WOULD LIKE SOUND ADVICE?

My daughter left our home when she turned 18 with settlement money from a car accident she was involved in when 16, that I sued a young girl for for running a red light. Both my daughters were hurt. my youngest took the 80,000 dollars and went on a cross country trip with her boyfriend and didn’t speak to me for a year. I had already paid her meal ticket at college, and room and board, and the money from the settlement was going to help with college.

From the beginning of my marriage to my husband, I allowed my children to do things I should not have allowed (a lot more than mentioned here). I think from the beginning, a family base was not formed and when my husband tried to advise or step in, my children just got angry and I was always in the middle.

Well, down to the hitting part now. My daughter just recently broke up with her boyfriend and asked to come home. Of course i said yes, she’s my daughter and so did my husband. I became afraid I guess, and not wanting to lose my daughter, put up the wall and wouldn’t let him advise or do anything. Well, we had a terrible fight and he hit me. I have loved this man with all my heart and my kids also and have always been in the middle. My children with the expection of my oldest daughter say if I take him back they will never be in my life.

As he began weaning himself off of it, he became very ill, which resulted in a serious car accident that almost killed him. He was in a coma for three weeks & had months of physical therapy. Needless to say when he recovered from the wreck he was clean. I told him MANY times that if he picked the addiction back up I would leave so fast his head would spin. Since then we have had 2 children and built a home and very healthly relationship, or so I thought.

We married about 6 months ago. I just found out that he has been using the same drug for over 8 months now. Yes, he married me KNOWING that if I knew the truth I would not be standing there. My initial reaction was to kick him out of the house until he was clean and discuss our future at that point. He has now come to me and confessed that he thinks he needs professional help getting clean, and that he is willing to do ANYTHING to save our marriage, so I agreed to let him stay in the house and I will help him seek rehabilitation.

I am more than willing to help him, but the feeling of betrayal and 8 months of lies and secrets absolutely overwhelms me, not to mention all the money he has spent that could have been food in our childrens’ mouths. The only thing that comforts me is knowing that even through a secret addiction and substance abuse he has never been unfaithful to me, and he would never and could never put me or our boys in harms way. I know he loves me and I don’t think I can live a life without him. I truly feel like he is my soulmate, but I can’t control my emotions when I think of all the times he looked right into my eyes and lied to me.

What do you think is the best way to help him, but at the same time protect myself & be cautious of the chance that he could break my heart again? We have a consultation with a rehab tomorrow, but as far as my heart-broken emotions and hope that we may be able to heal our marriage, I just don’t know where to begin….

I am a victim in my own house. I am not free at all. I was such a bubbly, happy person, but since I got married it’s different. I have prayed, I have read books and yes I have spoken to him and of course I’m the one who is wrong. I never scream at him, I will do all the wife’s duties but still I am in a sad marriage. I also had a fall out with his mom. She said very hurtful things to me which never in my life have I heard being said to a human being, by a pastor’s wife, of all people. I’ve asked God to help me forgive her, but I’m struggling to forget, let alone move on. I don’t even want to hear her name nor voice. It triggers the hurt. Do you think I need help?

It’s the type of incident where the words of Christ ring true. "The meek shall inherit the earth." Meekness is strength under control. Those who unjustifiably lash out at others, show a weakness that will never bring them peace. They might feel smug for a while — which entertains the enemy of our faith, but never peace… and they certainly don’t inherit the blessings that God wants for them.

So before asking "why me" or "what have I done to deserve this" – put yourself in your spouses shoes for a minute. Is it genuinely because of something you’ve done or is it because of some inner conflict and that they are disappointed in not being the person that God created them to be?

WHEN I TRIED TO DISCIPLINE THE KIDS AND PUT THEM IN THEIR ROOM, SHE WOULD TAKE GREAT OFFENSE, AND AT ONE POINT EVEN TRIED TO STAB ME. I PLEADED WITH HER OVER AND OVER TO GET RID OF THE ANIMALS, AND HELP ME DISCIPLINE THE KIDS SO THEY WOULDN’T GROW TO HATE ME AND SEE HER AS THE PROTECTOR. ALSO WE HAD A SEVERE DRUG PROBLEM. SHE WOULD COME HOME AFTER WORK, AND LAY ON THE COUCH AND CONSTANTLY MAKE SARCASTIC, MEAN REMARKS TOWARDS ME IN FRONT OF THE KIDS. PLUS I HAD MY PARENTS YELLING AT ME BECAUSE THE HOUSE WAS GETTING RUINED.

LAST WEEK, WE HAD AN ARGUMENT, AND SHE CALLED THE POLICE. I DIDN’T LAY AN HAND ON HER, BUT SHE TOLD THE POLICE I DID. OF COURSE THERE WERE PLENTY OF TIMES WHERE EITHER OF US COULD HAVE LEGITIMATELY HAD THE OTHER ONE ARRESTED, BUT THAT NIGHT SHE STRAIGHT UP LIED. IT BROKE MY HEART. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I LOVE HER SOOOOOO MUCH. PLEASE SOMEONE PRAY FOR US.

I DON’T WANT ANOTHER WIFE, MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED TO BE FOREVER. HER HEART HAS GROWN HARD. SHE HAS SAID THINGS LIKE PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE, I’M SOCIALIZING ON A LEVEL I NEVER HAVE BEFORE. I REALIZE I BECAME PHYSICAL WITH HER IN RESPONSE TO HER EMOTIONAL ABUSE. NOW SHE IS SO COLD TOWARDS ME. PLEASE GOD, SOMEONE HELP ME, PRAY FOR ME. I WANT TO BE WITH HER FOREVER.

I have prayed and prayed about it but I read one very good piece of advice that triggered the healing in my marriage. I started changing in the way I approached him and the way I viewed his emotional abuse and bad temper. I started seeing him as a God’s creature that needed my love and guidance. It hasn’t been easy but my husband is changing, he’s more supportive and he can notice when he is hurting my feelings.

We still have our ups and downs but I try to invite him to pray with me. When he is in a good mood I verbally transfer the knowledge I have gained from the site, just to share with him that this marriage is not ours anyway but God’s, that the way we treat each other is a reflection of how we view God.

Marriage is not an easy path but we have to invite the Holy Spirit to guide us for none of us is without fault. I hope this helps.

Here’s what I will tell you from all the reading I’ve done (and I’ve done a LOT) as well as counseling I’ve received. Most of the models for abuse, in the counseling world, were actually developed originally based on families of addicts (alcoholics, etc.)

Back in the days of "not talking about it" in the 50’s and 60’s, many of the abusive family situations involved alcoholics and so the models/ideas used to help victims of abuse stemmed from that.

I have 2 book recommendations for you that I highly recommend to you. They have played a tremendous role for me in helping me discern that yes, there still is a problem in my own marriage, as well as what some of my options might be to deal with the problem. I think it’s great that you are looking for a solution and not just to bail out – keeping your mind open to resolving the problem (not just walking out on it) is always a good place to be and I believe that is what is honorable to God (he doesn’t give up on us after all).

The 2 books are: Foolproofing Your Life, Jan Silvious and Love Must Be Tough, James Dobson. The second book I mention is geared toward marriages with infidelity but on the Focus on the Family website (Dobson’s organization) they actually suggest in one of the Q&A’s to use the same approach for abusive marriages (addiction symptoms and abuse symptoms are so similar that I’d say the same applies to you if you find that you are in an abusive marriage).

To discern what is really going on, you should do a lot of deep prayer. Ask the Lord for wisdom and discernment and He will give it to you. And also take a look at the abuse section of this site and click on the emotional/verbal articles that will help you more in determining if it describes your marriage or not.

Also – yes, most abusers (and addicts) tend to be in denial. There is nothing you can do to get them to see what they are doing. You can find a counselor for yourself to help you, if you know of a good Christian counselor. And then those 2 books have VERY good suggestions on dealing with someone who is difficult or in denial about a serious problem.

Hope this helps. With love, LT

This person does not display all the symptoms but does display signs. I want to help but not if I am being intentionally hurt and this person does not care. Someone, help me understand. I have no one to talk to and am very confused.

I don’t want to walk out on someone I love with all my heart and would do anything. But at the same time I am being destroyed emotionally and can’t allow anyone to reduce me to a puddle of tears, especially if they are aware of what they are doing. If they are not aware, then I would love to stand by their side and pull them through this.

Thanks to anyone that can help me.

He also commented that when he dances with another woman that it does not mean anything. But this is a huge problem for me as I respect him, our marriage, and cannot see myself in some strangers arms dancing. I want to know if a married man is allowed to do this as I feel like a victim. Whenever I need to discuss this with him he never provides an answer but instead he raised his voice and says that I do not understand him as we have different backgrounds in the way we have been brought up. Please help!

I (and my husband) are currently healing from an abusive marriage (physically and verbally, which always translates to emotional abuse). There are still days where the verbal continues but they are fewer than ever before. They may not ever go away completely but in the process of us confronting the problem and doing something about it (instead of just praying and hoping it would go away; our church ultimately had to step in because my physical safety and my son’s was in doubt), my relationship with the Lord has changed and become so much stronger that when the angry behavior does come up, I handle it much differently than before.

I no longer feel a total lack of hope. Drawing close to the Lord is what helps us overcome but that’s not to say that other people’s problems don’t affect us at all or should be ignored, especially if they are serious ones.

I wanted to suggest to you to go to the comments on the "power of a praying wife" article page on this website. There are a LOT of women there in various stages of overcoming and struggle and there is probably a lot of information that you can use. Here is the link :
http://www.marriagemissions.com/the-power-of-a-praying-wife/

With love and prayers, LT