Any relationship will have its difficulties, but sometimes those difficulties are indicators of deep-rooted problems that, if not addressed quickly, will poison your marriage. If any of the following caution signs exist in your relationship, we recommend you talk about the situation as soon as possible with a pastor, counselor or mentor BEFORE you consider marrying.
RED FLAGS OF RELATIONAL DIFFICULTIES:
1. You have a general uneasy feeling that there is something wrong in your relationship with your fiancé.
2. You find yourself arguing often with your fiancé.
3. Your fiancé seems irrationally jealous whenever you interact with someone of the opposite sex.
4. You avoid discussing certain subjects because you’re afraid of your fiancé’s reaction.
5. Your fiancé finds it extremely difficult to express emotions, or is prone to extreme emotions (such as out of control anger exaggerated fear) or swinging back and forth between emotional extremes (such as being very happy one minute, then suddenly exhibiting extreme sadness the next).
6. Your fiancé displays controlling behavior. This means more than wanting to be in charge—it means your fiancé seems to want to control every aspect of your life: your appearance, your lifestyle, your interactions with friends or family, etc. Your fiancé seems to manipulate you into doing what he or she wants.
7. You are continuing the relationship because of fear—fear of hurting your fiancé or fear of what he or she might do if you ended the relationship.
8. Your fiancé does not treat you with respect. He or she constantly criticizes you or talks sarcastically to you.
9. Your fiancé is unable to hold down a job, doesn’t take personal responsibility for losing a job, or he or she frequently borrows money from you or friends.
10. Your fiancé often talks about imagined aches and pains, going from doctor to doctor until he or she finds someone who will agree that he or she is seriously ill.
11. Your fiancé is unable to resolve conflict. He or she cannot deal with constructive criticism, never admits a mistake and never asks for forgiveness.
12. Your fiancé is overly-dependent on parents for finances, decision-making or emotional security.
13. Your fiancé shows a pattern of dishonesty, rationalizing questionable behavior or twisting words to his or her benefit.
14. Your fiancé exhibits patterns of physical, emotional or sexual abuse toward you or others. If he or she has ever threatened to hit you or actually struck you, this is a warning sign of future abuse. If he or she puts you down or continually criticizes you, this is a sign of emotional abusiveness.
15. Your fiancé displays signs of drug or alcohol abuse: unexplained absences or missed dates, frequent car accidents, the smell of alcohol or strong odor of mouthwash, erratic behavior or emotional swings, physical signs such as red eyes, unkempt look, unexplained nervousness, etc.
16. Your fiancé displayed a sudden, dramatic change in lifestyle as you began dating. (He or she may be changing just to win you and will revert back to old habits after marriage.)
- Do you recognize any of these caution signs in your relationship? If so, which ones?
If so, we recommend you talk about the situation as soon as possible with a pastor, counselor or mentor.
SPECIAL WARNING: If any of these caution signs are present in your relationship and you are engaging in sexual intercourse, it is imperative that you terminate the physical intimacy immediately. God has your welfare in mind when He forbids sexual connection before marriage. The premature bond this type of intimacy creates will make it extremely difficult for you to make needed changes in your relationship or to break it off.
The above article/discussion questions come from the VERY helpful workbook, “Preparing for Marriage,” which is “a Complete Guide to Help You Discover God’s Plan for a Lifetime of Love” by David Boehi, Brent Nelson, Jeff Schulte, and Lloyd Shadrach, with Dennis Rainey as the General Editor, published by Gospel Light www.gospellight.com.
There was a LOT more to the chapter on the subject of “Evaluating Your Relationship” than we weren’t able to include in this article. Actually, a large part of this particular section of the chapter was adapted from the book, How Can I Be Sure: A Pre-Marriage Inventory by Bob Phillips, published by Harvest House Publishers (which is also a terrific book).
We HIGHLY recommend that you find a way to obtain this workbook. They even have a companion guide for Marriage Leaders, Pastors, Counselors, and Mentor Couples which you can be obtained for those who want to help. If you can’t find the books at a local Christian bookstore, you can obtain them at www.familylife.com.
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5 comments so far ↓
1 Karin // Nov 7, 2007 at 11:45 pm
(SWAZILAND) My boyfriend ignores any grieviences that I say I don’t like. We live far apart from each other and the only way for us to communicate is through the phone. But he doesn’t call me. I’m always the one calling or sending sms or emails. If I stop calling for a whole week he doesn’t call as well. And when I do call the following week he tells me he had lost his cell phone thus lost my number. We are both Christians and he is a pastor but I don’t feel like he loves me even though he says he does. We are even planning to get married. But I don’t feel like I should marry him under the circumstances. I relate to the first warning sign. I feel like he is not an honest person. Whenever I confront him with all this he apologies but doesn’t change. When he promise to call me he doesn’t and then tells me that he was tired and went straight to sleep after the service. I’m so frustrated, please help.
2 LT // Nov 8, 2007 at 3:18 pm
(USA) Hi Karin, I can empathize with your situation and your feelings and sympathize with them but I think you’ve answered your own question. I think you already, in your gut, know what to do. I think you should diplomatically end the relationship.
You are already right. You already know that there is something strange. A man who loves a woman will want to call her and speak to her, not make excuses.
Karin, this may sound harsh but I do think you will save yourself a lifetime of trouble by avoiding this marriage. I think the right thing to do is pray and let God reveal the answers to you as well as who the right person is to marry. God bless you, LT
3 Karin // Nov 8, 2007 at 11:21 pm
(SWAZILAND) Thanks a lot LT. I think I wanted to hear someone else say that. As you say, the right thing to do is to pray and I am praying. It is harsh; but it’s the truth and I respect that. I know I have to end this for my sake. Thanks a lot and God bless you.
4 Joseph // Jul 16, 2008 at 11:54 am
(JAMAICA) I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP OVER A YEAR AND A HALF NOW AND I AM PLANNING TO GET MARRIED. WAS THIS TOO QUICK.
WHEN I JUST MET MY GIRLFRIEND SHE WANTED TO CHANGE, IF NOT MOST OF MY LIFE, MY APPEARANCE, DRESS CODE, OR SPEECH. SHE WANTED ME TO ACCEPT HER FRIENDS JUST LIKE THAT. AND WHAT IS MOST PERTURBING IS THE FACT THAT SHE WANTS ME TO ACCEPT HER SPENDING WEEKENDS AT THE HOME OF HER BEST FRIEND WHO IS A MALE, WHOM I HAVE SPOKEN TO ONLY TWICE. WHAT DO U MAKE OF THE WHOLE SITUATION?
5 skwright // Jul 16, 2008 at 2:58 pm
(USA) Hi Joseph, It seems like you have come across some “relational red flags” that it would be a good thing to pay attention to. It’s pretty typical of human beings to see “specks” in the other person’s eyes and not see our own faults or the “specks” or even “planks” in our own eyes (as Jesus talked about in Luke 6). Unfortunately, we all do it. But it’s something that the Lord warns us about, so we will stop.
When we’re in a relationship with someone else, we need to be careful that we aren’t in the habit of justifying our own behavior and yet try to change the other person so much that they feel like we are trying to erase who they are. We all need to change in some ways and we all need to adapt to the other person in some ways… but it is a two-way street. There should be give and take going on by both of you. If there isn’t, it is an indicator of what you can expect later if you eventually marry. She will expect you to do all of the adapting and that can get pretty tiresome eventually.
Spending a night at a male “friend’s” house — whether she is engaged to you or not is a troubling “red flag.” It’s just not appropriate. According to the Bible, we are to refrain from even the “appearance of evil.” And it’s even more troublesome when she is in a serious relationship, heading towards marriage, with you. If she is serious about wanting to marry you, then now is the time to start working on uniting as a couple in approaching life as a team — a team that doesn’t allow others to come between you. From what I’m reading, I’m not thinking that is what is happening.
I would pay attention to the “red flags” and see how you can both work through them before I would make any serious marriage plans. Red flags are warning signals that something is wrong. And you have plenty of them that are waving right now.
It appears that you have issues that could divide you later in life — don’t allow yourself to proceed until you are absolutely sure that BOTH of you are committed to working as a team (and prove it in your everyday actions before marriage — it’s to become a way of life, not a “show” for a period of time). If that doesn’t happen, then you shouldn’t marry. When a person is ready to marry, they will commit to adapt in a healthy way to be one part of a team for the rest of their lives. A person who shows by their thoughts and actions that they are committed to proceed through life as a single person, should stay single until and unless they permanently change.
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