My fiancee has always been honest with me but this was a lot for me to swallow and made me wonder if he was telling the truth. He is someone who appreciates a tax break so the anonymous giving sounded suspect. In my heart, I believe he struggles with tithing consistently. I have a strong belief in tithing. He said when we are married he would have no problem agreeing to tithing to our local church and agreeing on a set amount we want to give each year. This is scary for me to go into marriage hoping he won’t change his tune once we get married. I don’t know what to do.

We have had other disagreements on other things and for the most part we seem compatible but I do end up having to adapt who I am a lot to make up the difference when there is a disagreement. Should I walk away or trust in his word?

These all hurt, and it turns out we were in an extremely "open relationship" (he was a cheater), but I didn’t want to address them, I just wanted to ignore them even though the pain of his lies chewed me up inside.

Please don’t make the same mistake I did in letting it drag on if a lot of what I’m saying relates. Talk to him about this seriously, and end it if you see he is not right for you.

When we’re in a relationship with someone else, we need to be careful that we aren’t in the habit of justifying our own behavior and yet try to change the other person so much that they feel like we are trying to erase who they are. We all need to change in some ways and we all need to adapt to the other person in some ways… but it is a two-way street. There should be give and take going on by both of you. If there isn’t, it is an indicator of what you can expect later if you eventually marry. She will expect you to do all of the adapting and that can get pretty tiresome eventually.

Spending a night at a male “friend’s” house — whether she is engaged to you or not is a troubling “red flag.” It’s just not appropriate. According to the Bible, we are to refrain from even the “appearance of evil.” And it’s even more troublesome when she is in a serious relationship, heading towards marriage, with you. If she is serious about wanting to marry you, then now is the time to start working on uniting as a couple in approaching life as a team — a team that doesn’t allow others to come between you. From what I’m reading, I’m not thinking that is what is happening.

I would pay attention to the “red flags” and see how you can both work through them before I would make any serious marriage plans. Red flags are warning signals that something is wrong. And you have plenty of them that are waving right now.

It appears that you have issues that could divide you later in life — don’t allow yourself to proceed until you are absolutely sure that BOTH of you are committed to working as a team (and prove it in your everyday actions before marriage — it’s to become a way of life, not a “show” for a period of time). If that doesn’t happen, then you shouldn’t marry. When a person is ready to marry, they will commit to adapt in a healthy way to be one part of a team for the rest of their lives. A person who shows by their thoughts and actions that they are committed to proceed through life as a single person, should stay single until and unless they permanently change.

WHEN I JUST MET MY GIRLFRIEND SHE WANTED TO CHANGE, IF NOT MOST OF MY LIFE, MY APPEARANCE, DRESS CODE, OR SPEECH. SHE WANTED ME TO ACCEPT HER FRIENDS JUST LIKE THAT. AND WHAT IS MOST PERTURBING IS THE FACT THAT SHE WANTS ME TO ACCEPT HER SPENDING WEEKENDS AT THE HOME OF HER BEST FRIEND WHO IS A MALE, WHOM I HAVE SPOKEN TO ONLY TWICE. WHAT DO U MAKE OF THE WHOLE SITUATION?

You are already right. You already know that there is something strange. A man who loves a woman will want to call her and speak to her, not make excuses.

Karin, this may sound harsh but I do think you will save yourself a lifetime of trouble by avoiding this marriage. I think the right thing to do is pray and let God reveal the answers to you as well as who the right person is to marry. God bless you, LT