“The state of marriage generates in normal people more anger than they’re likely to experience in any other type of relationship in which they habitually find themselves.” (David Mace, marriage and family counselor)

With anger being the most potentially destructive emotion in marriage we wanted to share something we found in a Devotional by Richard Exley called, “Forever in Love—Devotional insights for developing love and intimacy in your marriage.” We’re hoping you’ll read it together and discuss your thoughts on what the author had to say. Anyway, Exley picks up after Mace’s opening statement by saying:

If he’s right, and I believe he is, then we need to ask ourselves why. Why does marriage, which is potentially the most intimate of relationships, generate so much anger? Mace isn’t talking about dysfunctional marriages. If he were, his statement would be self-explanatory.

It’s no mystery why a betrayed spouse feels angry, or why the wife of an alcoholic finds herself in a rage. No, the question before us is, “Why does a relatively good marriage generate so much anger?”

It must be because we care more about our marriage than we do about any other relationship in our life. We care what other people do, but only up to a point. Because they aren’t a permanent part of our life, their actions have no lasting effect upon us, and we seldom allow them to make us angry for more than a brief moment. In marriage, things are different. What our spouse does, what he/she feels, or thinks, has a direct bearing on our own well-being.

Although love and anger are poles apart, they are not opposite emotions; rather, they’re two sides of the same coin. Love is the positive expression of deep feelings we have for our spouse, while anger is the negative expression of those very same feelings. It is accurate, I believe, to say that the amount of anger we’re capable of feeling is often in direct proportion to how much we love.

Having said that let me hasten to add that the inappropriate expression of anger is one of the most destructive forces in a relationship. Mismanaged, it can tear a marriage apart. No matter how much we love our spouse, it’s virtually impossible to overcome the hurt and distrust caused by our reckless anger.

As one emotionally devastated wife so aptly put it: “It takes a hundred kind words to undo the damage from a single angry word.”

It’s critically important, therefore, to manage the anger in a relationship. Find nondestructive ways of dealing with it. Make it a friend instead of a foe. Learn to make it productive.

According to Howard and Charlotte Clinebell, authors of The Intimate Marriage, “Occasional outbursts may make it possible for marriage partners to be more caring and compassionate at other times. A relationship strong enough to take such outbursts in its stride is a healthy one. Providing a place where one can drain off hostility that has accumulated in the outside world is one of the most important mental health functions of a good marriage.”

But they go on to point out that, “Chronic verbal attacking is not a means of maintaining a healthy marriage.” Remember, anger is a powerful emotion that should be handled with care.

Love in Action

Take some time with your spouse and discuss the role anger plays in your marriage. Is it constructive or destructive? How could it be better handled?

Thought for the Day

“We not only need to know how to deal with our anger in different ways but also how most appropriately to match the right time with the right style of expression.” (M. Scott Peck, M.D.)

Scripture of the Day

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18).

Prayer

Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned in my anger. Heal the wounds my reckless words have caused and set a watch over my lips. Let no angry word come from my mouth to harm anyone. In the name of Jesus I pay. Amen.

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Forever in Love by Richard Exley contains 53 devotionals. (Buy this book now). Other subjects Exley included in this book are, Stick to the Issue, Making Anger Productive, Help for the Hard of Hearing, When the Vow Breaks, Restoring Lost Love, Rebuilding Trust, The Empty Nest, Mid-life Crisis, the Gift of Forgiveness, and many more intriguing subjects.We checked Amazon and found the book is out of print but they do have a “limited number” of copies available.If after reading this weeks marriage message you feel there’s a problem with anger in your relationship, we strongly suggest you pick up another resource to help you. It’s the book by Dr. Gary Chapman called, The Other Side of Love — Handling Anger in a Godly Way. It’s published by Moody Press and would be available at most Christian Bookstores. 

As always, we pray that these thoughts will help stimulate communication with each other and a deeper understanding of God’s plan for our marriages. Let’s be sure to live out Christ’s love through our marriages this week so that others would be drawn to Him as well.

Steve and Cindy Wright