HELP! My Spouse Drinks Too Much
25 Comments
What do you do when your spouse is drinking too much and it is affecting your lives together in a negative way? Do you continue to close your eyes to what’s going on and hope that someday he/she will finally wake up to the problems this behavior is causing? If you’ve “been there” and “have done that”, the question is: “How’s that been working for you so far?”
Do you yell and scream and try to shame him/her into stopping this behavior? Same question applies: “How’s that been working for you so far?”
And then there are the excuses — you’ve probably heard a million of them! “I drink to forget” “I feel better when I drink” “I’ve tried to ‘get on the wagon’ …’every time I fail’” and more.
“Alcoholics offer many excuses — ‘Drinking makes me feel better,’ ‘It calms me down,’ ‘I’m more fun when I’m drunk’ and more — but these explanations only skim the surface of the deeper issues that usually drive and fuel a drinking problem.” (Ashley Michael, from article titled “But I’ve Got Reasons” posted on Troubled with.com)
And what about the promises your spouse has made that “things will be different?” (That is, if you’ve even received such promises!) Perhaps you can relate to the following comments that came from a wife whose husband has a drinking problem:
“I couldn’t count the times Bob promised he would never drink again. That must be the most frustrating part of the experience — having Bob look me straight in the eye and tell me he’s through — really done with bingeing. He’d say, ‘I’ve seen how it hurts you and the kids, and I’ve had it. I promise you that I’ll never do it again!’
“Then in a day or two he was dead drunk. I thought he was lying to me. How could he love me and lie so many times to my face? But he wasn’t lying. He couldn’t keep his promise. Bob thought he could whip this problem with willpower. It’s like trying to stop diarrhea by making up your mind to do so.” (From the Focus on the Family Question and Answer article “If my husband drinks a lot but doesn’t get drunk, is he an alcoholic?“)
That’s not the most inviting word picture to think about, but it has some truth to it, don’t you think? Your spouse may have good intentions but he/she is in a state of denial both mentally (not facing the truth) and in a state of denial physically (where the needs of the body deny him or her the ability to stop reaching for another drink unless he/she has serious help).
It’s difficult to talk to someone who is in a continual state of denial, as well. That is why you often need help to know how to best work with the situation you have been handed. It comes down to the fact that when you are dealing with a person who is a heavy drinker —particularly if he or she is is drinking at the time, you aren’t speaking to your spouse so much as you are the alcohol he/she is using for numbing purposes — to cope with life in an unhealthy manner.
When you are trying to deal with this type of dysfunctional partner you truly need wisdom and help from someone who isn’t so close to the situation and can give you objective advice.
“A comment I often have clients, who are frustrated with a dysfunctional partner, repeat back to me is: ‘Do not expect functional behavior from a dysfunctional person.’
“Learning to get our expectations in line with reality is a first step in dealing with reality. We are often the first person that needs a change of perspective. In therapy we call this ‘re-framing’ the situation.” (Delores Stone, Counselor)
You need to “get real” within yourself and with your spouse. To help you with this, please click onto the web site links below:
• GAMES ALCOHOLIC FAMILIES PLAY
• TIPTOEING AROUND ADDICTIONS: When to Take a Stand (Watch Online)
So, in light of what’s been discussed so far, you may find the following advice from author Angie Lewis, to be helpful:
“Detach With Love. Be loving and supportive of the person you married, not the alcoholic. Don’t take any of the emotional garbage they dish out while drinking. Have you noticed how when your spouse drinks they start to berate you and want to start arguments? Don’t argue or fight back. Let them know you will not argue with them while they are drinking, period.“Above all, never allow the alcoholic to trespass against your spirit when they are playing one of their mind games. Walk away and close the door behind you. Go visit a friend, take a walk around the block, or put some ear plugs in your ears. Your mental health is what helps the alcoholic the most. This is what detaching with love is all about. Detaching yourself from the disease is what helps the alcoholic see that he needs help.”
To read more, please click onto the following web site link to read:
• TESTIMONIES: Coping With An Alcoholic Spouse – Angie Lewis
Also, fom Skyler Sage: Realize that:
“Alcoholism is a Family Disease. “This means that we are all affected by the substance abuse of a loved one. Not only are we affected; we play our OWN part in the continuation and manifestation of the disease. Our marriage, our family, is like a mobile. Each of us has our own little piece of the delicately balanced structure. Every action on any of our parts shakes the mobile. Tenuous balance quickly becomes imbalanced, shaken up, disrupted. Our role as spouses, children, friends on this mobile is just as powerful as that of the alcoholic’s.
“I believe this awareness is the first key in coping understanding that we play an equal part in the drama of living with an alcoholic. We are either part of the problem, or part of the solution with every word we speak, every secret we keep, every action we take, every action we avoid taking.”
To read more, please click onto the following web site link:
• TESTIMONIES: Coping With an Alcoholic Spouse – Skyler Sage
From Melinda Cook, comes the following advice:
“If you are not in any danger, continue to encourage your spouse to get help. Do not make it seem as though you are lecturing them though, they will rebel and continue in their disastrous ways. Find a support group, go to Al-anon meetings, and learn all you can about addictions. When they are willing to admit they have a problem, find places they can turn to for help in getting better. Coping with an alcoholic spouse can tremendously take a toll on you and your family.”
And it can, as you know.
To read more of Melinda’s story, please click onto the following web site link:
• TESTIMONIES: Coping With an Alcoholic Spouse – Melinda Cook
And then several additional helpful articles:
• DO YOU LOVE AN ALCOHOLIC — Stop Rescuing (Pt 1)
• DO YOU LOVE AN ALCOHOLIC — Setting Boundaries (Pt 2)
• PREPARING FOR A STRUCTURED INTERVENTION
After all of this, you wonder, will the information help me? Is there hope for my spouse? To read the encouraging answer, please click onto the Focus on the Family web site link to read their response to the question:
• My Spouse Is an Alcoholic Who Has Tried to Quit Drinking. What Should I Do?
We realize we have given you A LOT of information to pray about and consider. We want you to know that we pray the Lord opens the doors of heaven and pours out His Spirit within you and your home, and speaks powerfully to your spouse.
To give you some type of direction where you can get help, the following are a few helpful organizations you may be able to contact (we realize that they are not available to help in every country, but for some of you, they may be able to help in some way):
The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
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(USA) My husband’s thoughts of a good time always revolve around going out to eat, a few drinks and then out to another bar with more alcohol. I’ve often asked to do healthy things such as hiking, walking etc, maybe a movie and sometimes we may, but most of the time it involves alcohol!
He never sees a problem with drinking until intoxicated which sometimes causes fights. Sensitive issues may be brought up that probably wouldn’t have arisen if no alcohol was involved! His father was an alcoholic who told his boys once to beware of alcohol, but no one ever seems to think they are effected, only having a good time is all. Sometimes it’s difficult to be with someone who is under the influence!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) I know what you going through… I don’t go with my husband… he goes out the whole night. He is not aggressive when he’s drunk… the only problem is that if I try to talk about his whole night drinking… it ultimately ends in a fight and then he will deliberately go off again. He usually has intentions of coming home earlier but he can’t stop once he has started. He needs to be completely out if it before he can stop.
I find it frustrating because he is not a man that can talk… he is a very quiet man. He doesn’t disclose anything that disturbs him/worries him etc… not only referring to us… but generally. He will never just show the next person the true state of his heart. This is my frustration because even when I try to talk to him about our problems he just doesn’t respond (he sorts of goes into a shell) or else he’ll get defensive to shut me out. I don’t know what to do as well.
(TANZANIA) Geraldine and Lizabeth, sorry for what’s happening to you both. I pray that things change into a better situation. I fully understand your problems. My hubby is also a drinking person who always promises to stop but doesn’t.
It really hurts me a lot when he comes home late (midnight) from Monday to Sunday. We can’t discuss anything that’s productive for the family or if there are any important issues then we have to communicate by phone. When both of us are away to our work during the day time, there is no chance.
The truth is, I still love him with all my heart. I pray and do so many sacrifices do draw him close to me but he’s still the same. I always miss him. The kids (3sons) miss him so much but he’s just not with family. At times when he’s at home, I try my level best to make him happy and also be available whenever he wants me close to him. I’ve also discussed with him several times how he could stop his alcoholism but I’ve gained nothing more than the promise to stop the behaviour- an event which hasn’t happened to date.
I haven’t given up waiting for the day that he will change his alcoholism behaviour. So Elizabeth, and Geraldine, please lets join hands through prayer without forgeting praying and loving our hubbys in every possible ways while trusting “ONE TIME GOD WILL REMEMBER US”.
(PAKISTAN) I am facing the same problem. My husband drinks and becomes abusive; it seems like I am the worst person on earth for him. I get really disturbed. I have a daughter who is 9 months. What example will he set for her? It really gets so bad he doesn’t really know what he is saying and he expects me to be all OK the next morning. Please advise as to what to do in such a situation.
(USA) My husband is a very good provider but some week nights he drinks a whole bottle of wine by himself and binge drinks on weekends. He says he works hard and should be allowed to relax. When he is sober, he is a good husband and a good father to our 2 boys. The problem is when he gets drunk and in front of the children. At parties, he is always the most drunk and gives loud (often angry) speeches over religion and politics and embarasses me. Often, he starts an arguement with me when we get home (again, in front of the kids). The next morning, he doesn’t remember a thing. He also gets angry when I try to talk to him about how much he drinks. I don’t want to leave him, but he’s driving me to that point. Help!
(USA) Cindy, I’ve been married for 27 years, my advice is to make sure you make your own money so you can leave if you need to. I raised my kids, one is moved out, my daughter had to move back home do to economy. My husband drinks at night, nasty only to me, in front of my daughter, fake nice to everyone else during the day, everyone loves him. I cannot leave, he is the bread winner… if I had my very own income, I’d go. I’m in my 50′s and when he drinks my heart beats like a bunny at night from things he says. I’ve had police here several times… they ask if he has hit me… guess you have to be black n blue and bleeding to prove it.
Guess what I’m saying is, only he can change… if you don’t think he will, it will only get worse…especially if he is NOT nice when he drinks. I could write a book on my behind closed doors insanity.
(USA) Behind closed doors insanity is exactly what I’m going through. I’m 49 and have been married for 15 years. He drinks every night. 4 tall glasses of vodka/ice/water. I cringe every time I hear the ice machine. This is my very first post to any forum on this topic.
Last night was another night of berating me, and this morning he is once again the nicest man. I on the other hand can’t forget what happened the night before. When I asked him this morning if he cannot drink as much tonight, he became outraged and denied everything he said to me last night. He claims that I reinvent conversations. This has been my life for more then 15 years.
I recently retired and now I don’t have the distraction of going to work. But more importantly I’m feeling so trapped and lonely. I’m afraid this will never end. We have had break-ups, gone to counseling and they have not helped at all. He only drinks more.
(USA) My wife drinks a liter of wine a night and has been doing it for years. She has a million excuses why she does it. She has as many (half-hearted) unsuccessful attempts to “cut back”. Leaving her would be complicated and devastating to our kids but I’m beginning to conclude that it is the best option.
(USA) Hi all. My husband drinks and I have separated from him. I wish I had all the answers but I don’t. I only know that I am accountable to God for my actions. I am being healed from all the hurt and trusting God daily for my husbands deliverance.
(USA) My husband sometimes drinks but the bigger issue is he is addicted to pain medication. For the past 10 years he has been going to a pain clinic receiving Oxycontin, Vicodin and Morphine for a bad back. I don’t deny he has pain but he has been becoming more and more dysfunctional as time passes. The past couple of years he keeps going to the ER and Urgent Care getting other medications as well. All the while he is in a well-respected position and attending church.
This past spring my daughter and I tried to convince him to seek treatment 3 different times. He is in denial. Last month he locked himself in our room and stayed drugged up for a week and a half only coming out to eat and use the restroom. His boss put him on notice. That was when my daughter and I gave him a choice: go into treatment or leave. He chose to leave!
I’m now supporting my daughter and myself on my part-time income. I don’t know what to do, stay married, file for a legal separation, wait and see what he does? I’m perplexed. We’ve tried marriage counseling in the past but since the drugs alter his thinking its a waste of time and money.
(UK) A bit like me. My hubby drinks. He has a bad back and is on very strong pain killers. He drinks only 2 bottles –up to 4 pints and hides vodka bottles all over. He will drink the bottle in one go. At least once a week I’ll find a bottle but that’s just what he brings in. And all this at the same time as taking the pain killers.
I have asked him to try to stop. But he doesn’t think he has a problem with it. He cannot go 1 day and can start drinking at 1 p.m. –sometimes before. When he has had a drink he gets very loud. He goes at me and the kids about silly things. Then when I try to say we’ll talk tomorrow as you have been drinking (so we do not make a scene), he gets worried.
I feel it’s coming between us as we don’t do bedtime things as much because he always drinks and then he makes it sound as if it’s me not wanting to. Over the past 7 years he has had different reasons for drinking. First it was after a hard day at work, then stress at work; then he got fired, so it was because of his being bored. Then he started work and it’s stress, and now it’s the pain and stress.
I don’t know what to do. I love him too much to sit and see him get worse and die. I would tell him to go but I know he would use that as a reson to go and drink more. I’m between a rock and a hard place. Sorry to go on a bit, but it’s nice to tell someone. Thanks for taking the time to read.
(USA) I’ve been married 22 years and am only 40 years old. My husband is an alcoholic and does not want to admit to it. His explanation is I’m only out with the guys from work and this is at least a once a week ritual coming home at 2:00 am.. I’m full of worry and hurt that I’ve been putting up with this for so long. Do I love him? Yes. But I’m also killing myself inside wondering what is wrong with me that he can’t come home to his family and spend it where he should be.
I am not a drinker and pray to the Lord, I never will be. My children are now 21 and 19 and have seen the horrors of how their dad acts when he’s drunk. I have so much anger built up and to be quite honest I’m ashamed of myself for letting him treat me like this for so long. He was raised by a single mother, who herself is an alcoholic. She is much worse. She drinks everyday and most of his aunts and uncles are drunks.
I’m so embarrassed to let any of my family know this is happening so I turn to this website to relieve some stress and frustration. It sort of helps that I’m not alone in feeling like this, but sooner or later I will lose my insanity if this keep up…
(USA) I have been married to my husband for about 2 and 1/2 yrs and he gets drunk every night. He goes to bed before 630 pm and here I sit by myself. He starts drinking at 4pm and doesn’t stop until he’s so drunk, he needs to go to bed. Many times he tries to start an argument -I can’t have any kind of conversation with him when he’s drunk.
My evenings are very lonely- I don’t like going out to dinner with him, because he gets so drunk, he starts falling asleep at the dinner table. He is 71 yrs old and says he has been drinking his whole life and isn’t going to stop now. I think about leaving him, but don’t know if I could make it on my own financially. I am newly retired. I don’t know what to do- I can’t stand being around him and sometimes I wish that when he goes to bed, he won’t wake up!
(UK) Does my husband have a problem or do I have a problem with him? When my husband heads to the fridge and grabs a drink that’s it. He can’t stop until they are all gone and will if need be, get in the car and drive and get more if he runs out. He will then fall asleep snoring loudly. This is in the early evening. I will tell him to go to bed and I get shouted at.
He sleep walks, and falls asleep whilst sitting on the toilet… I stay awake as he can sleep walk and try and wee somewhere else that is not the toilet. (we have youngs kids). He doesn’t drink everyday but I know that when he has one he can’t stop until he can drink no more, as can’t hold the can. He is mean and annoying but never hit me.
If we go out for a social meal it’s something I dread as I know he will be the one who gets hammered and louder and louder… talking utter nonsense. I keep telling him to slow down but he can’t. I dread it when he has a drink. It makes me feel low and very upset. When he is sober he is tired. I never feel like I get any attention or help with the family… has he got a problem or do I?
(USA) Jill, From the comment you left I would definitely say your husband has an addiction and may need some help, but I would also say you may need family therapy as well. Also, along with addiction counseling you will learn about addicts and you can maybe understand more what you are dealing with. When you are not an addict it is hard to understand why they can’t just quit doing it because you do not struggle with it.
It sounds as though this is affecting you emotionally and that can turn into anger and resentment, eventually to where you do not want to help him anymore you will just want to get out. You have a problem in the sense that you are married to him so you need to stick by him and support him through this time in his life, but as far as you having a problem with him because of the drinking, I wouldn’t say you do. I think you have an issue of what is right and wrong and you know with what he is doing brings harm to him and your family even if it isnt physical.
If there are young children involved this is damaging them as well, so the sooner you seek help the better. He needs help… you will just need to be his support. Allow God to take the burden from you of emptiness and loneliness as you two work through this. Pray for strength as God helps you endure this addiction and what it may bring with it. I would call a local counseling center and find a # for an addiction couselor or call your church. You will definitely need prayer and God’s guidance. You can’t change him; he has to want to change. All you can do is put one foot forward and set into action what needs to be done. God Bless you! Deuteronomy 31:6
(AUSTRALIA) My wife drinks to excess, not everyday but at least twice a week. She will not stop until absolutely comatosed. If we go out I dread it because she can’t just have a social drink, she has to get bladdered. She has been in hospital on numerous occassions after falling down and someone finding her and calling an ambulance. It has affected the whole family, as my children have found her unconsious when getting back from school. She causes arguments and fights and brings things up that she wouldn’t whilst sober.
It’s a terrible thing to live with a drunk and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I have seen this with a few members of my family over the years and none of them have stopped until they are dead. Drunks are liars and cheats and when in the mood will do anything to get a drink. It’s the same as being a drug addict. If alchohol was introduced now it would be a class A drug. It kills and affects more people than smoking ever will.