My saga has gone on for much of this year. My husband and I own a business and he hired a new sales gal at the first of the year. From the beginning he spent a lot of time with her, taking her to lunch, driving her everywhere — supposedly this was all “training”. However after 3 to 4 months it became apparent that her training period had gone on longer than normal. They went on a business trip in April (I was not happy about this and told my husband so but he said there was nothing to worry about) and after returning, my husband told me about her behavior there – drinking heavily, dancing with 5 to 6 men at a time, talking graphically about sex. One of our married clients was there and he tried getting her so drunk that she’d have sex with him (!!)

She is very inappropriate in her conversations with everyone – including clients, male co-workers, etc. She will discuss her sexual preferences in great detail and finds no harm in it. She is very open about “being like a guy” in that she can sleep around with anyone and not have it bother her that she never sees the guy again.

It was after this trip that my husband began to work out; cut his hair and dyed his white whiskers weekly; he began dressing up all the time and continued to spend long days at the office. I expressed my concern on several occasions but he just said that there was nothing going on.

In May, he called me late on a Friday and said that he had a meeting with a new client the next morning. (We NEVER meet with clients on Saturdays). I questioned him but he just said that that was the only day he could meet with both of the contacts that he needed to. I asked if he was taking her, but he said no, it was just he that was going. The meeting was to be at 9:30 and was only about 1/2 hour from our house.

The next morning he left 2 1/2 hours before the meeting. I have the ability to check gps tracking on all our employee’s phones so I looked hers up. Guess what? She was at a local meeting place (even though she lives about 1 hour from there) that my husband uses. I was irritated but went on with my morning. Several hours later I checked to see if they were done, but turns out that they had travelled somewhere else – 2 hours away from where he was supposed to be. I confronted him about it and he denied that he had even seen her that day. It was just “coincidence”.

2 weeks later a company credit card bill arrived and there was a gas fill-up that day in the area he swore he was not in. When confronted he said that she had shown up for the meeting and called him — when he said that she didn’t need to have come, she “pitched a fit” about wasting her gas so he drove to where she was locally and gave her the gas card. He insisted it was she that drove to this other location alone and filled up her own car.

Flash forward 2 more weeks – Knowing that he had now lied about his first story, I check the company cell phone bill – no calls between them that day. HOWEVER, he did call a phone number — again in the area where her gps tracked her to. At this point it had been a month, and when I called the number the guy said did not recall meeting my husband or her but I could tell that he was nervous talking to me and couldn’t get off the phone fast enough.

When trying to find out who this guy was and why my husband would have taken her to that area, I checked his emails (something I’d never done before). There was no record of this guy but I did find numerous emails between them, some having gone on for hours on Easter and other days that we were all at home. The emails were flirtatious and sexually suggestive – my husband was using some bet that they’d made to come up with ways she would have to “pay” if she lost the bet – these ways all involved spending time going somewhere on short day trips or shopping for new outfits, etc. I was sick at heart and furious.

I thought all of this had been driven by her (due to her general behavior with all men) so I drove to our office and took her out to lunch. I let her know that I knew what was going on, that the personal contact was going to stop, etc. She denied having any interest in my husband.

When she would not talk to him that afternoon at work and said “she had a lot to think about that weekend”, my husband was livid and we got into a huge fight that night. He said that he was angry that I hadn’t trusted him — that I’d been wrong to come down there and cause problems. He said that he would probably be moving out of the house. So I left for the weekend to give him time to figure stuff out. When I returned home, I found that he’d sent me an email and told me that he’d been wanting to leave me for 8 months – that he wanted to see if there was “more” out there. He denied that anything had happened with her and there was nothing wrong because they hadn’t had sex. He wasn’t sure if he was going to stay or not. He was considering moving into an extended stay hotel for a couple of weeks.

I don’t really believe his story that he’d been wanting to leave me for that long – I think that he’d begun thinking of this once he took an interest in her. I believe that they originally bonded over shared interests (music, dancing, sense of humor) and he later developed an emotional connection with her over our problems in running a business, etc. Once all this was established, I think that because he does not like to be alone, he was trying to develop HER interest in HIM and had he been successful, he would then have left me for her. My taking her out to lunch “ruined” his plans so to speak.

Since this huge fight he has chosen to stay, however there is a significant distance between us. He has only recently started limiting his time spent with her at the office, but there have been several times that I’ve heard him answer his cell phone and since he actually talks differently with her than anyone else, I immediately know it’s her. He had blocked me out of all his computers and even the gps tracking system for a number of months. I’m back able to track her again but still have no access to his computers. Every time I see him on there for an extended period, I still wonder if he’s sending personal notes back and forth.

In late August, he told me that he wasn’t sure if he could commit to our marriage or not — he wasn’t ready to say that yet. When our anniversary came in mid September I was just basically going to ignore it. What’s the point in celebrating something that really means little? Several days before it he started making a huge deal about it – “reminding” me several times that it was coming. He went out and spent over $700 dollars on some items, including a bottle of Cristal. (He NEVER does this). I thought he’d gone a bit crazy at that point.

I later found out that he’d sent her an email detailing what he bought and how much he spent. There were items listed that he didn’t even get me. He said he wanted her “opinion” to see if these were good enough for all the years that I had put up with him. I have no idea what her response was but needless to say, this ripped another hole in my heart knowing that he was just our anniversary and his gifts as a way to impress her (she’s what most would refer to as a “gold digger”).

I have prayed and prayed for him and for our marriage. I’ve prayed for strength and the ability to forgive him, but there are some days that I just want to walk. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and believe that marriage is until “death do us part”. This has been the most difficult thing that I’ve ever been through (even more painful than losing our second daughter years ago) — I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to forgive him or forget. The hardest part is knowing that he thinks he did nothing wrong (again, there was no sex involved so he wasn’t “unfaithful” in his mind) so what is my assurance that he won’t do this again – either with her or another woman down the road?

I pray for all of you and hope that we can all find peace and healing in what ever way it eventually comes.

He, like many, denied anything was happening even after I found that they were texting up to 700 times per month and spending 3 to 4 hours on the cell phone each day; including my birthday and weekends, as well as his sending emails from a “secret” email account I just happened to stumble on.

It has taken almost two months for him to admit what he did was wrong and to understand where my hurt and loss of trust is coming from. It has not been an easy journey thus far, and although I decided one day to no longer let this woman intrude in my marriage, there is still paranoia and fear – he has the use of a work Blackberry which he could now be using to send her text messages and for calling her. He claims he has had no contact with her since he told her it was over, but that’s where the paranoia sets in because I don’t trust or believe him completely.

The strange thing is that his infidelity has brought us closer and working through it has given us a new glimpse into what we were doing wrong and why he needed, or thought he needed, to look outside of our marriage for emotional intimacy.

Marriage counseling has made the biggest difference as now we know how to communicate lovingly with each other and even when we hit a roadblock, which is less frequent than I can ever remember, we are able to talk it through with dignity, respect and love; whereas before his first impulse was to yell and scream when I would ask questions, he will now, for the most part, hear what I have to say or ask and reply accordingly.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust him 100%. It’s still pretty raw, but I pray that with the help of our therapist, our willingness to make our marriage stronger, and strength from God, we will be happier and more closely emotionally bonded in our marriage.

This was back in October of 2008, then it escalated and she would text him on his phone 10 to 15 times per day and also calling 2-3 times a day and they would be talking 30 min up to an hour at a time. At this point in time I knew nothing about it. He had casually mentioned this woman’s name. The only time she would call is when I was not home or when my husband was at work (my husband works 11pm – 7am). This went on for about 2 months. When I was looking at the phone bill and saw the # of calls and text messages then I finally confronted my husband.

We started counseling in Jan of 2009 (we still are in counselling). After we started counselling, he was asked by the counselor to cut off all communication with her to see what his true feelings were. He did that, and then after a week they started to talk again. The communication level went right back to where it was, so I called this woman and confronted her. She said she would feel the exact same way I did and that she would not be contacting him any more. That lasted for 2 weeks. Then she started calling again, so I called her again and confronted her again. She said she would quit calling which I thought she did.

Fast forward, to Jun 09, my husband tells me that someone he works with is switching facilities and that is who is calling on a restricted telephone number. Fast forward to Aug 09, there is a call to that woman and immediately following a call comes in on the restricted telephone number. I put two and two together and guess what? He has deceived me and lied to me for the last 3 months that it has been her calling him again, and it has been almost every day. Since I found this out there has been no contact.

I am really heart broken that I have been deceived and lied to. He says that it would not have had to happen if I would have let him talk to her. I really don’t know what we are going to do at this point in time. We are continuing to see a conselor but I don’t know what is going to happen. He says he loves me but there is so much hurt and the trust has been broken.

The hurt, pain and betrayal I feel is so overwhelming. I always told myself that it would only take one time (meaning a guy would cheat on me once and I’m out of there). I don’t think I could ever trust him again if I stay with him. We have a small child and she will be completely devastated if we split.

Of course he is saying it’s completely nothing and it was just a few words. Well inviting someone to your house for lunch next week while your husband is out of town for “lunch” and also asking if she can help him with some things in his office with the door closed, doesn’t seem too innocent to me! Maybe it’s just me?!

He has been crying all weekend long and says he will make me the happiest girl in the world. I just need to believe in him. I know he knows that he messed up big time. But he is a flirt and I don’t think that is something that you can change in someone. He never flirts with others in front of me though. What the heck do I do? My heart is broken in pieces!

He became upset when I confronted him the first time, and convinced himself that he wasn’t doing anything wrong, and continued the affair for some months later. When I found evidence that the emotional affair had almost become physical (there probably was some type of sexual activity, but not full-fledged sex) I made the decision to leave him and he saw that I was not making idle threats.

After individual counseling for myself and finally couples counseling that he surprisingly volunteered for, we are almost 98% back to loving and respecting each other the way God intended husbands and wives to be. I will say, however, that after he revealed the things they talked about, the gifts/flowers, the poems and letters that he wrote– it is going to take a looooooong time for me to get over the hurt and heartache that I still feel sometimes.

To the poster who wanted to know where to go for help: just type in the word “infidelity” on any search engine and you will be directed to any number of support groups for women and men who have been affected by various types of infidelity. Some support groups are better than others, but my laptop and my very good friend were tremendous helps in getting me to muster the courage not to end my life in the aftermath of my husband’s infidelity.

Believe me, the devastation that comes with the discovery of emotional infidelity is something that you will never want to experience in your lifetime.

He has another woman, and has received a large sum of money and has not in the last year of separation helped with any bills. I have paid all the bills and now have been laid of from work. I am hurt and am trying to stay close to God in prayer for comfort. I pray for his salvation. If he is so happy, then why go out of his way to cause me hardships?

This is my sad love story… My husband of almost 3 decades is a natural flirt and the worst part is he doesn’t consider it a bad behavior. He flirts in my presence, everywhere we go, in parties, restaurant, even in church functions. Definitely, he flirts at work too. In fact, 2 weeks ago, I opened a can of worms. A young woman co-worker called his cell phone on a Saturday morning and when I checked our AT&T phone bills I noticed multiple calls from this woman. Furthermore, this woman’s home address is camouflaged like an email address in his cell phone. Isn’t he clever?

Once again, he promised to change his ways. With a broken-heart I forgive and pray for divine intervention. Only the power of God can change my situation.

I too, felt crazy, and when explaining it to others was somewhat treated like I was crazy because my husband is such a nice guy. I finally left; but he has the kids and the dogs and the house. Our kids, who have never seen or heard us fight are equally shocked and confused. They are all teenagers and I didn’t want to uproot them so I gave them the choice to move with me or stay and they stayed because it is their comfort zone. However, they are angry with me because they don’t understand all of the circumstances and without going into great detail about it with them, it appears to them I was just jealous of some female co workers their father has had.

This has been brutal. I am shocked and angry that he would do this to our family and to me his “soul mate” and I feel utterly and completely rejected.

Does anyone know of any online support groups for this type of issue? Counseling doesn’t help and I could sure use and would be glad to give support.

It didn’t take long before that all changed. A month after he deployed, he opened up a Facebook account and reconnected with all kinds of people, especially females. I noticed a change in him. He would become very irritable with me. I later found out that it was during this time that he was chatting up a girl he went to school with. I read the messages between them. A lot of them were very flirtatious. In one of them, he told her that he would probably leave me for her if I wasn’t pregnant. Reading that absolutely devastated me.

Their communication had continued throughout the year. She sent him a ton of pictures of herself early on, and then she sent him more a week before he returned home. The pictures that she sent right before he came home were nude pictures!

There were times towards the end of the deployment that he would tell me that I was ruining our relationship and that when things got tough that he just wanted to be done. I couldn’t understand where all of this was coming from. Deployments are stressful, but I thought we were getting through it pretty well. He went through periods where he wouldn’t talk to me. He called me a total of 5 times the whole year and the rest of our communication was through AIM or email. After a week of not talking to me, he called me a few days and apologized to me. At this time, I still had no idea about his communications with this other girl.

The first few weeks of him being back home were amazing! It was different beings we had a newborn now, but everything seemed perfect. The “friend” whom he would chat with and who sent him pics of herself would call him occasionally and text him and email him. She was having problems with her boyfriend and was looking for a shoulder to cry on. She was forwarding personal emails that her boyfriend sent her onto my husband! My husband thought it was funny.

One day when my husband wasn’t home, I went back and re-read those emails looking for a solution for her and her boyfriend (I didn’t know about her involvement with my husband yet). I came across some older emails from her and that’s when I came across the disgusting pictures! I was in absolute disbelief. I thought things between my husband and I were great, and here only a week before he got back, she was sending nude pictures to him! Who sends naked pictures of themselves to a married person! (And she knew that he was married and had a kid.)

I emailed this girl’s boyfriend letting him know that she was forwarding his personal emails to her to my husband and I also let him know about the inappropriate pics that she sent my husband. I didn’t care what he decided to do, but I just thought he should know what kind of a girl he was dealing with.

I debated on whether or not to confront my husband. I ended up confronting him that day. I asked her about his relationship with her and he responded that “she’s just a friend”. He got defensive and asked why I was snooping through his things. He was trying to make me out to be the bad guy. I told him that he had to chose between our family or his female friends. At one point earlier on, he had told me that if I made him give up his friends that we’d be getting a divorce. That’s the response I was expecting, but he told me that he would cut off all contact with all females. It was a relief, but it still hurt to think that during this past year, this woman had replaced me. I cannot describe the amount of pain that this has caused me.

It’s been about 6 months since I found out, and our marriage hasn’t been the same. I want to be able to forgive him and trust him, but it is so hard. There’s been days where I feel like I’m going crazy. He has done what I have asked, but it doesn’t make what he did go away. Emotional infidelity is very damaging to people and relationships. I don’t think he did this to hurt me. I think he thought that it was innocent at first, and then it just escalated.

After he got done trying to minimize what he did and minimize my feelings, he finally accepted what he did was wrong and has apologized over and over again. He wants our marriage to work. He said that he used the other women to vent when he was upset. He shared practically nothing with this woman, so I imagine it was an easy outlet. He never lived with this woman, paid bills with her, had a family with her, etc… He has told me that he has always loved me and never actually meant what he said to her. He never wanted her, but he would use her to vent and in return get free porn from her.

There has been some other women who have sent him pictures. I feel bad for these women because I think it is an ego boost for my husband. All he has to do is ask, and these women have no problem exposing themselves. Women need to be careful what they put out there because it can turn around and haunt them later on.

The bottom line: Do not under estimate the damaging effects of emotional infidelity. He thought that beings it wasn’t physical that it was fine, but that left me devastated and now our marriage is on the rocks. In an emotional affair, attention is being taken away from the spouse and is given to someone outside of the marriage. If you have to hide your phone, or emails, or other messages from a “friend” so your spouse won’t see it, then it very well could be emotional infidelity. It is easy to fall into, but very hard to come out of intact.

I am looking for someone to maybe explain to me what I can do to prove to my wife I love her and want her, and that my emotion is all for her. I lack the ability to communicate my feelings and need that push.

I have devastated my wife, and potentially my child. While I wish I could gain advise from people, I can advise to people to open up to your spouse, and no one else. I love my wife and have basically lost her. Don’t do what I did.

I’ve come around to the point in my life that if it ever happens again I will end my marriage. I cannot and will not or should I just say “don’t want to” tolerate it or anything else to that nature again. I don’t understand how if 2 people love each other how that all evolves. I am a firm believer in my daughter’s professor’s view that the internet has ruined more wonderful relationships that one wants to talk about.

Anyway, I didn’t really have a word or phrase for it up until now -but yep….it’s happened to me. I would find it interesting if I did the same thing to him behind his back how it would feel. I have always truly believed and still do… what goes around comes around… it may take awhile.

I TRULY LOVE HIM with all my heart but a hole got pierced in my heart that day. It’s been a LOOOONNNGGGG road for me and it’s been good to know as I read through these I did nothing to deserve it. Thanks for the website.

I happened to look at his email and found out that they write something like “I miss you very much” “I am always thinking about you” “we never have long enough time together” “I dreamed of you in a inappropriate way” “I have a feeling for you”. It hurts me so much, but he dose not realize this. He thinks it is ok to do it and there is nothing wrong with it. I really feel hurt and betrayed. I am in the verge of divorcing, I can not take it any more. But then it is not fair for my child. I do not know what to do and feel lost.

I am regarded as the jealous wife that is controlling because I won’t let my husband have any friends. I am so sick about this situation. He will not cut off the relationship with her and it has really broken up our family unit. Even with counseling he claims he has done nothing wrong. I want to walk out but I have five children to consider. I feel so trapped and betrayed. My heart aches every day. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Now I feel as if there isn’t even any reason to try to salvage our relationship. The e-mail was sent before he even moved out, so I have no idea how long this has been going on. I have been trying to pray and ask God to help me move past anger and bitterness, but it’s so hard. I just don’t understand how a person can do such things and still claim to love you.

One day she had left her email account open and though I felt bad, I couldn’t resist reading a few of the mails between her and this guy. Sure enough, they were discussing feelings of the past and how these feelings between them seemed to linger on. I put my foot down hard immediately and told her to cut all contact with this guy if she wanted to stay with me.

As far as I know she has never been in contact with the guy since. Still I’ve found it tough to get over, though I believe there was nothing physical between them. Though more than two years have passed I still feel unable to completely trust her and sometimes wonder if it is right for us to stay together. One thing is for sure; you should NEVER tolerate this sort of behaviour in a person who is supposed to love you.

I threatened to leave him and hurt him with an affair of my own. It was stupid but it worked. He went to a counselor at last. Today he says he understands how much these so called emotional friendships have harmed us– but how do I regain the trust and the need to give tit for tat for some kind of action? The sadness never seems to leave me, and the guilt of using another man to make my marriage work.

Jump ahead a year. I am now divorced. My marriage ended because my wife refused to tolerate my emotional affairs. My kids don’t see me, I was fired from my job because some personal documents trusted in my x-wife’s safekeeping made their way back to my boss.

Do it again. No. I miss my wife. I miss my kids and I miss my life before my harmless emotional affair. The girlfriend has since made her way through several of the men at the bar. I’m an idiot.

Then I began noticing the gifts he’d buy her, the time he spent looking for just the right thing, the time he spent with her, the sharing of her car, traveling for business with her, and on and on. I told him their relationship was beginning to trouble me and asked him to be cautious because I did not want it to destroy our marriage. I did not realize it already had.

Shortly after, I said I was not comfortable around her and I asked him to cut back on the time he spent with her or on the phone with her. This was after he spent our family vacation talking to her from a distance and avoiding me entirely. I asked him to cut back, assuming the best of him, thinking they were just friends. I asked him to do it for me, to show me he loved me as his wife, to spend some of those hours, he’d spend with her, with me instead … and he said No.

He claimed it was not an affair, but when I asked him to choose me, weeping for him and for our marriage, he was already gone. He walked out. His heart was hers already. I am writing this for those who think it’s innocent. It is not. You may think you can control it, it’s just fun, just flirty, whatever. It is not. Before you know it, your heart is hard and your family is destroyed. When sin comes calling, run! Don’t stay and play thinking you can beat it.

Finally I found myself nearly a single mom, a stay-at-home mom, who had given up on her marriage without realizing it. It was all a sad situation.

Feeling so disrespected and so dejected for so long, with our love life lacking any sparkle and our romantic life non-existent, I fell hard for the first seductive snake that paid any attention to me in the schoolyard. I didn’t have an affair of my own but I came dangerously close. Then I almost lost my marriage, 12 years in with 2 kids to worry about. Please be proactive and fix this problem NOW!

Upon further searching I discovered more conversations saved from his msn chats with other women, saying things to them that he should be saying only to me. I cannot say how much this has hurt me and caused me to lose complete trust in him. It has taken a tole on my health also in that every time I see him sitting at the computer I suspect that he is back to his lies, deception and infidelity and immediately I begin to get panic attacks and I hyperventilate.

I am 31 years old and I don’t know how long I can continue like this. I confronted him about it and it seems to me like he values his cyber escapades more than the happiness of his wife and the success of his marriage.

Can someone please advise me as to what I should do? I have not stopped being a virtuous woman and I do everything in my power to make my husband happy.

Prior to moving here they were usually artists or someone whom he had something in common. Since moving here these flirtations have become more involved "friendships" my husband tells me. I have told him many times how uncomfortable I am with these. These young woman hardly speak his language (he is not yet fluent in Spanish). He tells me he needs affection. I see this as emotional abandonment/infidelity. I thought for the last 8 years I was just insecure, even though I felt uncomfortable. I now realize that it is a problem. At my age I find it humiliating.

It’s not so innocent or harmless as it turns out. As noted in the article, once the "soul mate" thing occurs, Look Out! If I only had a nickel for every person who has run off with their "it’s only a friend" partner –disrupting families in the process. But even if they do not leave, they do not realize the impact upon the spouse. The level of betrayal and hurt is huge — in fact they negate it which only compounds the hurt. Nor do they realize the devastating effect it has on the family even if they are not "caught". When the attention is turned elsewhere, the marriage and the family automatically suffers.