Submit is a verb. Submitting is a voluntary action. That means it is something we ourselves do. It’s not something we make someone else do. Just as we can’t force another person to love us, we can’t force someone to submit to us either. Of course we can make that person do what we want. But then that’s not true submission.
Submission is a choice we make. It’s something each one of us must decide to do. And this decision happens first in the heart. If we don’t decide in our hearts that we are going to willingly submit to whomever it is we need to be submitted to, then we are not truly submitting.
This may be shocking news to you, but an overwhelming majority of wives in my survey said they want to submit to their husbands. They want their husbands to be the head of the home, and they have no desire to usurp that God-given position of leadership. They know what the Bible says on the subject, and discerning wives want to do what God wants because they understand that God’s ways work best.
However, problems often arise in this area because a wife is afraid to submit to her husband for two reasons:
Reason #1: Her husband thinks submission is only a noun, and he uses it as a weapon.
Reason #2: Her husband has himself not made the choice in his heart to be fully submitted to God.
Okay, okay! I know that God did not say a wife needs to submit to her husband only if he proves to be worthy. Submission is a matter of trusting in God more than trusting in man. But a wife will more easily make the choice to submit to her husband if she knows that he has made the choice to submit to the Lord. It will be a sign to her that it is safe to submit to him. And the goal here is to help her, not force her, into proper alignment.
Many a wife has a hard time trusting that her husband is hearing from God if he doesn’t appear to be submitted to God in the way he treats her. Wives know that after the verse “Wives, submit to your own husbands” (Ephesians 5:22), the Bible says “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her” (verse 25). Christ doesn’t neglect, ignore, demean or abuse the church. He doesn’t treat her rudely or disrespectfully. He never acts arrogantly or insensitively toward her. Nor does He criticize her and make her feel she is not valuable. Rather He loves her, protects her, provides for her, and cares for her. So while God gives the husband a position of leadership in relationship to his wife, He also requires the price of self-sacrifice from him.
When Wives Hold Back
The big question in many women’s minds is, “If I submit myself to my husband, will I become a doormat for him to walk on?” The answer to that question depends entirely upon whether her husband believes he should love his wife like Christ loves the church and willingly sacrifices himself for her – or thinks that submission is a noun and that it is something owed him. In other words, does he only consider his desires and opinions, to the exclusion of hers?
A wife has a hard time giving her husband the reins to her life if she doesn’t believe she can trust him to have her best interests at heart as he steers the course of their lives together. She has trouble going along with his decisions when he refuses to consider her thoughts, feelings, and insights on the subject. And if she has submitted to a male in the past and her trust was violated in some way, it is even more difficult for her to trust now.
On the other hand, a woman will do anything for a man who loves her like Christ loves the church. Submission is easy under these conditions. I know a number of women who are married to unbelieving husbands and who have no problem submitting to their husbands, because in each case the husband loves his wife like Christ loves the church, even though he doesn’t know Christ.
Too often people confuse “submit” with “obey.” But they are not the same thing. The Bible gives commands about obeying other people only in regard to children and slaves, and in the context of the local church. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (Ephesians 6:1). “Bondservants, be obedient to those who are your masters according to the flesh” (Ephesians 6:5). “Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account” (Hebrews 13:17). Since a wife is neither her husband’s child nor his servant, and the local church isn’t part of a marriage, the word “obey” has no application to the relationship between a husband and a wife.
Submission means “to submit yourself.” In light of that, when a husband demands submission from his wife, it is no longer true submission. And his demands can become intimidating and oppressive, which breeds resentment. When a husband is more interested in his wife’s submission to him than he is in his own submission to God, then submission becomes a tool to hurt and destroy.
I have seen too many marriages between strong Christian people — high-profile Christian leaders, in fact — end in divorce because the husband demanded submission and resorted to verbal or physical abuse in order to get it. My husband has even counseled men like that, men who refused to hear that losing their family was a horrible price to pay for being “right.” How much better it would have been for the husband to submit himself to God’s hand and then pray for his wife to be able to come into proper order. This kind of situation occurs far too often.
When we submit to God, He doesn’t suppress who we are. He frees us to become who we’re made to be, within the boundaries of His protection. When a wife submits to her husband, she comes under his covering and protection, and this frees her to become all God created her to be. Trust me, you want that for your wife. Her greatest gifts will prove to be your greatest blessing.
If you feel that your wife is not submissive, pray for her to have a submissive heart, first toward God and then toward you. Then ask God to help you love her the way He does. I guarantee that you will see her submission level rise in direct proportion to the unselfish love you exhibit for her. And let her see that you are seeking God for guidance. If she knows that you are asking God to show you the way, she will follow you anywhere.
Please pray for your wife that:
- She will understand what submission really is.
- She will be able to submit in the way God wants her to.
- You will be completely submitted to God.
- She will trust God as He works in you.
- You will take your position as spiritual leader.
- She will trust you to be the head of the family.
- Submission will not be a point of contention in your marriage.
PRAYER POWER: Lord, I submit myself to You this day. Lead me as I lead my family. Help me to make all decisions based on Your revelation and guidance. As I submit my leadership to You, enable (wife’s name) to fully trust that You are leading me. Help her to understand the kind of submission You want from her. Help me to understand the kind of submission You want from me. Enable me to be the leader You want me to be.
Where there are issues over which we disagree, help us to settle them in proper order. I pray that I will allow You, Lord, to be so in control of my life that my wife will be able to freely trust Your Holy Spirit working in me. Help me to love her the way You love me, so that I will gain her complete respect and love. Give her a submissive heart and the faith she needs to trust me to be the spiritual leader in our home. At the same time, help us to submit “to one another in the fear of God” (Ephesians 5:21). I know that only You, Lord, can make that perfect balance happen in our lives.
The above article comes from the book, The Power of a Praying Husband, written by Stormie Omartian, published by Harvest House www.harvesthousepublishers.com. This book has 20 short, easy-to-read chapters which share how you can intercede for your wife in areas where she longs for your prayers. There is also advice, personal stories from well-known Christian men, and words from Scripture that will also help you in praying for your wife.
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(USA) I understand everything that was written on submission. However, should a wife submit to things her husband wants to do that are ungodly as a means for keeping the marriage? For example a menage a trois (threesome).
(USA) Just because you assume a threesome is ungodly doesn’t mean it is. Remember the old testament is replete with polygamy and polyamory. It is our current society that has frowned upon actions like this. Society is afraid as a whole. God wants you to be happy, and if that’s what it takes so be it. Don’t belittle yourself to your opinions of what sin is. Adultery isn’t adultery without the lies and deciet, if you both are willing, then you honor yourselves and God by fulfilling both of your desires. No harm, no foul. If it harms none, then it is not a sin.
(USA) Can you provide a scripture reference that says God wants you to be happy? I don’t think it’s there. God wants you to find JOY, which is different from happiness, and that joy is derived from following him and seeking to be Holy.
I don’t think God condoned the polygamy. There are many scriptures that say that those God trusts to lead and direct his church are to be men who have ONE wife. So I think what God is saying is that those who come closest to following Him are not men who have multiple wives. They are not men who have as their first goal, happiness.
Many places in scripture, God calls us to be Holy. I don’t know of a scripture where God calls us to be happy If you have a reference, I’d be happy to read it and learn of this command by the Lord.
(KENYA) I’m not married. Happy VS Holy — that’s something that we should think through when following our ‘hearts desires’. Very helpful words of wisdom. Asante (means Thanks in SWAHILI.)
(USA) Hi Katrina, I believe menage a trois (threesome) is ungodly otherwise God would have created Adam, Eve, and Emmy for Adam to have a threesome. It is wrong and you should not give in to it. You will not be condemned for refusing to submit to this. I think SOME men use the word ’submission’ to abuse their wives. My husband prefers to sit in front of the TV while I slave around in the house from work. I have to help him financially because he can’t meet the bills himself. His pay is not enough yet he is not willing to help me in the house. He believes that women should meet the household duties and help their husband’s financial responsibilities as the providers. Is this right? What’s the role of a man then?
(USA) Hi Katrina, It saddens my heart to read your question because if your husband is asking this of you, it means that you have a husband whose heart is straying from keeping your marital bed pure as the Bible talks about (in Hebrews 13:4). That is truly a tragic situation — one in which I pray you would not participate in, no matter what reasoning your husband brings to you.
Submission to our husbands as the head of the home, is not given without exception. I’m going write below, something from “The Politically Incorrect Wife” written by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby, because I think they word it well:
“You might be wondering whether there are exceptions in the area of submission. There are. God is the highest authority, and anything that goes against His Word should not be done. You are called first to submit to God’s authority and then to your husband’s. If submitting to your husband’s authority violates God’s teachings, then your choice must be to obey God, not your husband. Some of the exceptions are crystal clear: adultery, abuse, or asking you to worship other gods.”
Let me ask you, if your husband asked you to murder someone, or rob from a bank, or join a satanist group, would you do these things? I hope your answer would be “no”. And why not? You wouldn’t do them because you know they are wrong and they violate who you are and who God created you to be, plus, we’re told not to do so in God’s Word. And the same would be true if your husband asks you to participate with him in bringing adultery into your marriage bed. Whether it is through movies, or pictures, or through physically, sexually participating with another person in an adulterous situation, it is against God’s principles to do so. And when your husband asks this of you, he is violating God’s standards and asking you to participate with him in something that grieves the heart of God. This would be a time when you would not submit to your husband, but to God.
If your husband thinks that by violating your marriage vows, it is “keeping the marriage”, he is headed down the dangerous path and is trying to take you there as well. He is breaking covenant with you and with God. It could lead to a much worse destruction of your marriage. It could also leave you with a severely hurting conscience and memories that the enemy of our faith will attempt to use to haunt you from that time forward.
I can’t tell you what to do, but with everything that is within me, I wouldn’t personally do this. If your marriage is in trouble sexually, then I hope you would try to find a godly sex therapist or counselor, and NOT bring another person into your marriage whether by images or in person. “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death” (Proverbs 14:12). And that can include death of a marriage.
My prayers go out for you and your husband. I pray the Lord ministers to you, guides you, leads you to make Godly decisions, and helps you to live your life in ways that will be pleasing and glorifying to the Lord. I pray for your husband, that God speaks to his heart and that he will listen and follow God’s way into being a man of integrity in “keeping your marriage” as one that is healthy for both of you and is pleasing to the Lord and an example of a good marriage for those who know you and witness your lives together.
(VIRGINIA) Thank you, for letting me read what you had to say about marriage and the way God said it should be. Because everything you said is what is going on with me and my marriage to my husband. The things he says out of his mouth sometimes hurts me inside, the way men use the word submission. I am trusting God in Everything!
(US) There is hope!!! I don’t know exactly what is believed here, but I wanted to share my experiences. I have been struggling with the submission part for a while. I think I read the passage and got sidetracked a little. Meaning that I understood it in a different way than the way God intended it to be accepted. I have read several of the books out there on marriages and they all have great information, but they can mislead us(men) unintentionally at times.
My wife and I have been married for 12 years and I have just now submitted to God’s meaning for this. This came through the strength of my wife to get on her knees and turn to God for her answers. As she prayed in her closet she felt led to pull me in there (we were having a pretty good spat) and she began speaking in tongues. God used my wife that night (about 3 weeks ago) to minister to me. All he wanted me to do was love! Man that sounds so easy, but to a man who has learned to close up and become hardened, that is the toughest thing in the world to do. Even if it is with my wife.
As I have started to open my heart to her and let her know how much she means to me, I have become very vulnerable. This feeling is very awkward to me, but the rewards have far out weighed the feelings of vulnerability. I wake up every day looking for ways to express my love to her. I play with her hair, I help cook, I help her in the yard, I wash dishes, clean the restroom, love to touch and hold her.
I have learned that I can not spoil my wife. I have heard at times and thought "I don’t want to spoil her", ignorance on my part. The funny part about it is it gives me freedom and energy. She has to get used to this, but I told her the difference now is that since God has put this in me, there is nothing she can do to remove it. We have since cleansed our home and I feel we are now moving in the direction god wants us to be in. A Loving Husband
(CANADA) Hi Toby, welcome to the site. I’m really proud of you and all that you’re learning. It’s never too late for God to teach us things. Keep on reading God’s word on marriages and ask God to always guide you and He will. God calls for husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. That’s huge, and it’s a combination of love and forgiveness. Hope all goes well for you. I will keep you in my prayers. You’re gonna discover new things everyday.
(UNITED STATES) To All, Hello I am a new wife. My husband and I have been married for only 8 months and before that we only knew each other for 4 weeks. Through these past 8 months I have taken a leap of faith and truly brought God into my life. I continue to pray and read my Bible for understanding of God’s word.
The problem that I am having is being an "obedient" wife to my husband. I feel as though I try to do majority of the things that my husband asks. But on the other hand, some things that he asks of me, I feel as though are unfair. And it comes from his insecurity and jealousy. I feel as though he takes Gods word of a wife being obedient to her husband as well as being submissive for granted.
He basically says, that if I tell you to do something, then you should do it, because you are my wife and I am the husband. He says that I am not asking you to do anything wrong, therefore you should do it.
An example, would be… he is in the military and is deployed and he tells me that I should not wear any heels while he is gone. I explained that I only wear heels to church and that is it and I wore them once on Christmas. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with this. But as a wife, do I just do what he says?
There are so many things that he asks that I just feel like I am being controlled and I don’t feel like that is what a marriage should be.
I just want opinions from others, because I want to do Gods will as a wife, but I also don’t want to feel like a child being told what to do.
Thank you for your comments in advance.
(USA) Kitwana, I have been married 6 1/2 years and my husband is the same way. It is not right. If I move the couch he will get mad at me and put his fist in my face, because I went against his will. He only seems to show love when I am exactly the way he wants me to be. The Lord has revealed something to me about him. Also the Lord has brought me a friend and a Pastor’s wife who understands what I am going through and they know it is wrong. Keep greatly in prayer. I know how hard it is to wait the see a change. We must keep our love and faith with God and be pleasing to God first and foremost.
(USA) I know what you mean. My husband tries to force me to submit to him. He calls me names, nags me and puts me down. He wants me to submitt even to the point of having to get permission to move a piece of furniture. He is not close to God like he should be. He is full of much anger. I can’t come to accept that we are to submit down the littlest things that are not even Bible. Thank for the article.
(UNITED STATES) I just want to say on a man’s behalf, it just won’t work unless we submit our will to GOD’S. He knows the woman’s heart and ours too. Unless we both seek Him whole heartedly, life is a failure. Women, if we are not on the right path at times, you need to keep praying for us; it’s not easy being a man a GODLY man. It’s lots of pressure. I’m not making excuses for us. When we begin to trust the GOD within us, then we will be alright.