How Can I Get Past The Tremendous Sadness?
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How can I get past the tremendous sadness that my spouse’s extramarital affair has caused me?
“Impact! Dead on impact. Maybe I have confused separateness with the feeling of being dead. The tears fall like rain drops.”
“The pain is physically exhausting but I am still here.”
“Lord I give up. I am not even going to pretend to be brave because I am actually totally broken. I give up. I don’t want this anymore. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t Lord. I can’t Lord. I can’t Lord. My heart is completely shattered.”
These are the feelings of sadness expressed by those who have been betrayed. It is the feeling of death, except one is still alive and must continue to live. But how? When will it ever go away? Will I ever feel happy again? It seems impossible. And my family tells me to just ‘get over it!’ That hurts me even more. My friends don’t understand.
When I discovered my husband’s affair, I felt as if I had gained a new companion, a companion whom I didn’t want, who wasn’t welcome, who had not been invited and who would not go away.
That companion was pain. For me it was 2 ½ years until I felt happiness again, and I distinctly remember feeling it again, and I remember why.
The feeling of sadness for me was caused by thinking that I was unloved, perhaps even unlovable. Surely if I was a lovable person, the one I loved the most would not have hurt me so deeply with betrayal, abandonment, deceit and lies. The problem was that what I believed about myself, about my life and about the people around me was untrue. The truth is that I am lovable and therefore I will always have lots of love in my life.
I wanted a guarantee. I wanted to be guaranteed that I would never be betrayed by my husband again. He gave me his guarantee, yet I still didn’t feel guaranteed. After all, had I not been given a guarantee the day we exchanged our wedding vows? I thought what I needed was to throw away the old and start over with the new.
“Yes, that’s what I needed,” I thought to myself, “a new relationship with my very own husband of 18 years.” Yes, we should redo our wedding vows. Yet others have redone their wedding vows and been betrayed again! Wedding vows are no guarantee.
Then I realized that I can never be guaranteed what all of the future choices of another individual will be. Neither can anyone else on the planet be guaranteed that their spouse will never have an affair. There are no such guarantees in life. I wish it were different, but that is reality. One thing no person can take away from another is their own right to choose. And really…would we want to?
How loved would I feel if another was forced to love me?
Prior to our meeting this week, I put out an email to the Beyond Affairs Network asking other coordinators, how they got past the sadness. Here are their responses which I shared at our meeting:
“It was the hardest of emotions for me to overcome, but I finally accepted the fact that it happened and that I had no control over the actions of my spouse. I continually reminded myself that unless I controlled my own actions, I would be bound by my own stubbornness to remain in the anger and resentment stage. The constant dwelling on what happened is what keeps people stuck there. Again I had to control my own thoughts and move ahead. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it can be done especially if you choose to stay focused.”
Another wrote:
“I think, hard as it is to accept, that ‘tincture of time’ is the best way to get past both the hurt and the anger. I also know that it is possible to get stuck in either place. So what I did, instead of trying to rush the process, was to really LET myself be sad and then to LET myself be angry for a while. I had spent so much time and energy trying to move on, that I found I was denying myself the right to feel what I NEEDED to feel in order to heal.
Once I acknowledged my feelings and that I wasn’t crazy for feeling them, it was much easier to let them go. Now when negative feelings come, I can acknowledge them and put them away much faster. But it doesn’t happen overnight. It has been nearly 3 years for me and I’m finally getting there.”
Another affair survivor wrote: “For me, the greatest skill for dealing with sadness is gratitude. Define it. Practice it. It seems trite to say count your blessings when you’re in the midst of such pain, but there is no denying the practical benefits of just doing. It’s scriptural and I think it’s psychologically sound. This is NOT denial. It’s perspective and coping until time has had the chance to work its magic.”
Then I read Peggy Vaughan’s article “Moving from Pain to Recovery”, where she talks about the importance of controlling your thoughts. What we feed grows. If we allow ourselves to replay the pain over and over again in our minds, we don’t move forward, in fact, it can get worse with time, if time is spent nursing and rehearsing the wound over and over again. This is where it becomes so important in the healing process to educate ourselves and to share with others who understand, which is the purpose of Beyondaffairs.com, constructive ideas and efforts to get beyond the painful emotions.
One woman shared how taking anti depressants (only for 6 months) had helped her to cope with life at somewhat of a normal level during the initial discovery period. Others managed their pain, and often depression that accompanies discovering marital infidelity, through cognitive therapy (which is learning to understand, recognize and control your thoughts).
During our meeting, one individual brought to our attention the value of a good comedy!!! What a great, but often overlooked point! Sometimes you’ve just been dealing with the darn stuff too long.
You need to go out and have a good laugh. Give all those serious, deep thinking, tragedy moments a rest. Search for things that make you laugh. A good laugh is medicine for the soul.
Getting past the sadness, it’s a choice. We choose whether we will read books, educate ourselves, increase our understanding, learn from others and most of all whether or not WE will control our thoughts. Can you get past the sadness? Absolutely! But it takes time and it is YOUR choice.
The above article was written by Anne Bercht and is featured on the web site for PassionateLife Seminars, which is a dedicated to helping others survive marriage affairs, infidelity, adultery and betrayal. Anne’s book, My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me
This particular article is one of many they have posted on the subject of surviving infidelity and healthy recovery from extra marital affairs. You may want to visit their web site to see what else they offer which might further help you in some way with this issue. You can visit their web site by going to Beyondaffairs.com.
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(S. AFRICA) I am just 4 months into our divorce. The anger has gone and terrible sadness has set in. With Christmas around the corner my heart aches for the wonderful family celebrations filled with laughter we used to have. After 37 years of marriage, suddenly all went wrong because of a failed affair and the divorce he wanted so badly. He is now living with a young girl, 30 years his junior and the same age as our eldest son. She has a son of 2 years old.
My heart bleeds as to how deceptive Satan can be. My sorrow is also is for my husband who is lost and seems destined to be hurt again. “Just when I needed him most” after all the hard work was done, plans to travel and support and love each other in our aging years. All gone. In God I trust, as I move on with a broken heart. I beg all who are on the edge of the “slippery slope” to think very carefully before it’s too late. May you go to God in prayer asking for strength to overcome the Evil one. Christmas greetings to you all.
(U.S.) I just found out two weeks ago my husband has been having a one year long affair with my so called friend. Our families took trips together. We did everything together. They used it to be together. He bought her expensive things. Our finances are in shambles. I am devastated. We have two childen, eight and twelve. My twelve year old seems to know.
I go between hate, sadness, my heart feels as if it is an open wound and someone keeps putting their knife in it. I am physcially ill. I go to work daily and sometimes just sit there. I am a professional women and lock myself behind my door and try to get through the long days. He wants to try and work on it. This is his second affair. I had a one night stand after the first. The women he was cheating on told him about it. Told him all the things I said.
I am normally such a happy, light hearted person who is so trusting. I feel like I have nothing to believe in. When I read advice it says to not dwell on the past. I can’t even begin to look forward. Please help me. I am lost.
(INDIA) My husband cheated on me after 15 years of marriage. When I was busy with my 5 month old baby he went out of town saying it was a business trip. Then I found out he was with a girl known to us. The worst part is he felt no remorse and has still has not apologised after a year. He is now behaving normal like nothing has happened even though there is nothing physical between us anymore. But I personally feel our basic values on this are different, and I cannot go further. Unless he apologises there is no way I can move ahead. Am I wrong?
(USA) Here is my problem. Three years ago my husband had an affair, total time together physically 6 days, emotional time before about 3 months, time before the truth finally was revealed 9 months. But like I said that was 3 years ago. Have I forgiven him? NO Do I ever think that I will? NO BUT, I do love him and I do once again “trust” him. The problem remains that since the affair my husband is unable or unwilling to kiss me passionately, a peck here and a peck there is it. Never a kiss on the neck, nothing. Just Nothing. I am to the point of wondering if that part of our lives will ever return? I have mentioned this to him, but nothing. If I try to kiss him he turns away. Sex is still a part of our lives, but it is not enjoyable for me, so surely it is not really enjoyable for him. We go to bed and the distance just seems to continue to grow. I know that I am not the same, I don’t expect things to ever really be the same, but I miss the intimacy that we once had. How do I get that part back? The rest of it, the daily fears, the “trust,” it’s all good, just this one sticking point, and I can’t stand it ! Anyone have any ideas?
(U.S.A.) I have been married for 14 years and have been with my husband for 22 years. He was my first love, the love of my life. I noticed about a year ago, little time before he turned 40, that he was starting to distance himself from me and started changing his opinions and reactions on things. I thought he was stressed at work since he had changed positions and was not thrilled about the change. He had also always expressed stress at turning 40 and would joke about having a midlife crisis. I had been very emotional about his distancing from me and we were arguing more than usual because of the changes I felt were happening on his part. I never thought he would cheat on me or want to leave the marriage.
Long story short, I found out he was having a relationship with a 26 year. He ended up telling me he loves me but is not “in love” with me and that hs is done with the marriage and wants to continue seeing the 26 year old. Needless to say I am shocked, devastated and sick. He was my best friend and we have 8 year old twins together. How could his life be so terrible that he would give up everything we had, my family whom he was close to and give up seeing his children every day? He was always a great dad and a great husband. How could I have been so completely wrong? How can someone change their values and actions so drastically?
He is an educator and this person is as well. They both know very well the damage that divorce takes on a family and children. The pain and sadness that I feel is tremendous and will not go away. I am in counseling and seeing a lawyer to ensure my children and I get what we deserve. I have peace in my actions and I accept that I can’t change or control what he has done or is doing. I know I need to stay strong and focus on my and my children’s future but it’s so hard and I feel so alone.
I can’t get over the hurt that he would do this to me and I completely put my trust in him and what I thought our future would be. We were still sleeping in the same bed, doing everything together and the thing I will never understand is that we had a romantic anniversary trip 1 week before he decided he wasn’t “in love” with me. This is after he told me on the trip that he was. I would have never been that intimate with someone who didn’t love me, so I feel used in a way. It is hard to not see an end to this pain in sight.
(USA) I am so sorry for your pain. Experiencing extreme sadness also.
(CANADA) Its been 6 yrs and I am still in great inner pain, feeling incomprehensible grief, shock, disbelief and confusion. I cried so much I honestly thought my eyeballs would be damaged. These past two months the constant pain diminished somewhat and I am trying to figure out what brought this relief. I found that whiskey helped for a while and bedding other men and knowing they desired me but of course this is temporary. I don’t want to become a hopeless alcoholic skank so I changed my destructive reaction.
It hurts bitterly that he lives close by and they have a child. I think I went crazy for a while and heard him crying and calling out to me but no one was there with me in the house. I live alone. I talk to God every day and it helps but I wish I understood.
(CANADA) Try to find a local church (evanglical/pentecostal/baptist/etc.) and get involved. Go out with the singles group and truly seek God with all your heart. How? At night time when it is dark turn on Christian music (wow worship or other CD is fine) and just pour your heart out to God through singing and praising Him. You will find in time that God will replace the hurt in your life. He will give you new hope and comfort you. Bring your desires to Him and He will bring someone into your life that He has selected (the half that makes you whole). If you are in the Toronto region, you could try Agincourt Pentecostal Church… it’s a big group of loving Christians. Take care, Daniel.
(USA) Last week I had been married for 14 yrs. 18 yrs ago I met the person who treated me like gold. He was my best friend. We did everything together. We laughed, enjoyed each other. Had the same values & morals. We had goods friends. We had the same goals in life. We went thru college, supported each other, worked hard to build & enjoy our life. We liked to go on vacations. It turned out that this person would be the single person that I’VE EVER trusted my entire life with.
This wasn’t my 1st long term boyfriend. I knew what I wanted & needed. I was definitely picky. I’ve been with cheaters before, abuser (verbal & physical) I knew the signs, if they were there. We dated almost 3 yrs then were engaged for about 2 more before we were married. We were really happy. People would comment on how great we got along. This was the 1st person I’ve ever trusted as he never gave me a reason, never even turned his head. It was a good feeling to not worry or wonder.
While engaged we lived in an apartment in his home state of NJ. He started getting established in an excellent occupation & things were moving in the right direction. We were building our life TOGETHER. We wound up relocating to FL. Here I had owned some property & we had better opportunities to advance in life as we decided to open our own business. We built a duplex, lived in half to save money while our business grew & then would plan on buying or building our dream home. Our business was doing very well after the first 2 years & we purchased our forever home.
Things started to get a little tight, tension was rising & certain things just weren’t making sense. All of a sudden we were having problems paying bills, the business started failing. I couldn’t get straight answers as nothing was making sense. Money was missing from accounts & collection notices were piling up. My husband was always in charge of the banking, did a very good job at logging everything & I trusted him with everything. I watched my best friend, my lover & my soulmate spiral into a completely unattentive, blaming, selfish person that I’ve never seen before. I questioned him everyday, “what’s going on?” He couldn’t account for not being where he should have been, work not getting done, money not being where it should have been …this was only the begining.
After months of questioning, probing, prying, he admitted to being addicted to prescription pain medication, as in an over a thousand dollar a week habit. I was devastated. I had ideas but not like that. We had no health insurance (since starting self business) & no one would accept him into a program. I was mortified but knew I had to help my husband. I knew he had to get away to straighten out. To my knowledge he wasn’t a “drug addict”. I asked him if he wanted to go back up to NJ for a while, stay with his parents, get treatment & we could fix this mess & get our lives back. He agreed. He left me alone, for what was supposed to be a month, maybe 2.
He was still gone 2 years later. During this time he stopped answering my calls, and sent zero money, We lost our duplex. His family didn’t believe he had a problem & he continued on drugs & obviously now leading a new life. He did come to visit a few times saying I’m not coming back without a transfer from my “new” job. I’ve NEVER NEARD OF A HUSBAND REFUSING TO come home & wanting to be with his wife. I knew it was time to make a trip up. He acted like he couldn’t wait to get back & told me normal things. When I got on his computer it was all there… nothing hidden. He had a FB acct he never told me about (knowing that I was on FB). Under his relationship status it read “IT’S COMPLICATED.” There were messages, email, interactions from not only some girl that he was cheating on me with at that time, it turns out that had been cheating on me even BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED. He had this girl IN MY APARTMENT IN NJ. He had been with more than this one… but this one has been consistant for 18 years.
I want you to know that I feel as though my ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN RIPPED OUT FROM UNDERNEATH ME. I trust no one and the person whom I’ve given my life to had been stabbing my in the heart, looking me straight in the eyes lying all this time. I left & all of a sudden he mysteriously gets new job & can come home in the next 2 months. I’ve NEVER felt the way I have felt now for 2 1/2 yrs. Its been that long since he has been back.
I don’t trust him. I’m in massive depression. I’ve been on antidepressents & anti anxiety for 5 yrs now. We went to marraige counseling. The counselor told me he is a liar, has always been a liar and will always be a liar. He can’t understand why I can’t let it go and move forward, says I’m the one who keeps it all fresh & bad. I am miserable, sick to my stomach. I don’t know this person whom I thought not only I knew, but was positive we would spend our lives together. I can’t look at him. I sleep on the other end of the bed. I’m disgusted, turned off. I have such a deep level of sadness& betrayal inside of me that I can’t even explain.
Every aspect of my life has become miserable. All of my hopes and dreams mean nothing anymore. I can’t sleep, breathe, relax. I can’t imagine for the life of me how someone who was your person, your best friend, took vows for forever, has looked me dead in the eye SINCE BEFORE DAY ONE and lied. Why not just have broken up?
I’m sorry this was long but it doesn’t even say all I NEED TO SAY. I have such a sadness built up inside of me, it’s literally eating away at me. I can’t feel happiness. How can I try to make an effort when I gave 110% for 14 years,I gave everything to be happy in such a great relationship with who I tnought was my perfect person & that’s what I got in return..I have nothing left to give. How could someone live a double life & I never knew a thing. Now I have no life. I feel constant pain & emptiness. Nothing helps. I don’t know how to move on from what I thought I had, but really I never even had that. How does a person grasp that every minute of their relationship was NEVER what I tnought and was led to belive it was.
I know I need help because I can no longer function. I don’t want to go out. I’m extremely bitter & I just can’t forgive or forget, yet this man tnat married me is still here…I pray for strength& help everyday, all day. THANK GOD NO KIDS. Please God guide me to some happiness, I can’t live like this anymore.:(
(S.AFRICA) Dear Empty Everyday, I feel your pain as I felt just as you do. I was married for 38 yrs, put my husband through college, help raise our 2 children, and my whole life revolved around making my husband and our family happy. We were happy and I trusted him totally.
Well, just like you I picked up on a secret FB acct. This was with a ex-schoolgirl friend. His statements were such that he had ALWAYS loved her and should have married her. They had finally got together and have been on a holiday together. I was devastated “had he lived a lie for all these years?” It’s a long story but sadly we are divorced now. What I have learnt is that “no human” is completely trustworthly. Only in God can we fully trust. Please turn your heart in trust to God. He sees your hurt and pain – give it all to Him. Remember your husband married YOU. He married you in love you have to believe that. Keep strong and fight for your marriage. Dont give up.
(US) I understand your sadness and bitterness, the empty feeling that you are living with. I know what it feels like to face each day where nothing feels right. It’s been 2 years for me and every once in a while I can have an OK day, not great, but OK.
Look for ways to give your mind a short break from thinking about anything about him. Be selfish for a moment and think only of YOU. Go for a walk and (depending where you live) feel the warmth of the sun or look at the snow on the trees. Enjoy the beauty of that moment. Do something kind for someone you don’t know. To receive a thank you from a stranger will give your heart a feeling of warmth and a sense of feeling appreciated again. If you’re able to do something like this everyday, these brief feelings of happiness become extended. For every minute you are doing something for yourself or someone else, you give your mind a minute not filled with him or the sadness he has inflicted upon you. His ability to betray you is a character flaw within him, it is NOT a reflection of who you are.
(CANADA) The beginning of all healing is forgiveness. Without forgiveness you can’t even begin the journey.
Before sharing with you, please realize that an affair in an otherwise seemingly healthy relationship is likely because not everything is as it seems. As a husband, I can tell you that what a man values and what a woman values in a marriage are quite opposite. A man desires a woman that can be responsible and accountable, someone that is selfless, caring towards others, secure, honest and truthful. If you have spending problems, eating problems, drug or alchohol dependencies, insecurity issues, etc. these will all wreak havoc on the relationship.
As a husband I am extremely confident in who Jesus has made me. I take very good care of myself, both physically and spiritually (I do have my ups and downs). I love all people. I care for all people. I’m not perfect though. I can be extremely critical at times (I don’t mean it in a bad way because I’m the type of person who thrives on criticism… I bring it to God and ask Him if the criticism is warranted and then go from there…). I live a very simple life, I’m content with food, shelter and giving (though financially God has blessed me with more than I have need for). From a marriage standpoint though, I do fail in some regards. I look at sex as something I only want to share with someone I am in love with… not just love. This means respect towards me as the Husband in the marriage (respect by being considerate, loving, responsible, honest, etc as I mentioned above). I cannot have sex for the simple fact of sex… and so maybe this is my downfall. If my wife lies or deceives me, I feel hurt and distant from her. If I know she’s lying this is extremely hurtful. I believe in telling the truth regardless of the consequences. I realize, that lengthy periods of not being intimate with your wife can wreak havoc on their self esteem and hormones. I just can’t force myself anymore to do that. As much as I have a natural desire, I can’t.
So what does this have to do with this discussion? Well I had an extra-marrital affair with a married woman 3 years ago. Why? …good question. I think as we all have some need or desire to be fullfilled, so it was for myself. To make a long story short, I felt very distant from my wife and my relationship with God was non existent. After years of lies, known and some unknown to this day and years of irresponsibility (putting us in serious credit card debt, spending all her savings on her own needs) and lack of accountability (not paying bills, going to drinking parties with old boyfriends… my wife was very sexually permiscous before coming to Jesus… she slept with over 100 guys, sneaking out to parties at night… and then finally in the last stages getting drunk on numerous occassions… for no other apparent reason other than because “she could do whatever she likes”…well I made the mistake of sleeping with a co-worker (I was with her 4 times over a 2 week period).
I found myself trying to share Jesus with this person (like seriously… I have no idea what I was thinking… very confused to say the least). I really just enjoyed not having to be responsible for someone (so I thought… and obviously that thinking was very wrong!). But I felt extremely guilty, every lie I told my wife I felt sick to my stomach and so I told my wife everything. Right after the affair the biggest void in my life was God. Coming back to Him and being able to forgive myself (believe it or not… it’s not that easy). I spent nights praising Him… my heart was broken and I was truly born again (I never realized the power of the Holy Spirit in my life until this point). I fell so in love with God and He filled an empty void in my life. I still remember those nights, praising Him and Him pouring His love into my life. It took sometime but I became a better, more loving husband than I could ever imagine. I took over all the responsibilities of our entire household, I became a deeply loving husband… but… unfortunately my wife was having none of it.
Unfortunately since that time I have underwent countless years of abuse, physical, sexual, verbal and mental… it was as if Satan was trying to break me. Physical abuse that would have put any other person in jail for many years… biting, scratching, kicking, punching everything. All I could do was defend myself… after a year of this, the drinking started. As of today, I can state my wife is an alcoholic (she can’t break the addiction, this is a fact, which makes her an alcoholic). She lies, has serious spending problems, has taken a leave from work (so gets drunk everyday now) and is hanging around friends who are having extra-marrital affairs.
I realize that I love my wife but I know I can’t trust her. There have been many nights that I wish she died of alcohol poisoning (may sound bad… but it’s better than watching her life waste away). Each day is full of challenges and here I am today typing this. I guess my point is, not every cheater will continue to cheat. Some of us have made a mistake and deserve forgiveness just like any other person. I truly desire my wife to be a loving and caring woman. I really think she does not love God… so how could she love anyone else? I’m waiting patiently… but my heart is broken. Without Jesus I would have left long ago. All I can say is that there are men in this world that truly love Jesus, who truly love others. Thanks for reading. In Christ, Daniel
(UK) Hello Daniel, I really feel for you. It’s strange but for just one moment my pain went away when reading about yours. My husband had been seeing prostitutes for over 10 years. I found out when he actually fell in love with one that was totally hooking him. He saw her for over 14 months and then I found a text Goodnight Godless of Beautiful one etc. I am so angry that he used the word God in that text.
Anyway, we tried to make it work over the past 3 years with him promising etc etc, turning to God and the church but he failed many times over this time -with just looking at magazines, phoning them just for contact not going there -or so he said. Then a week ago I found that money was missing. I confronted him again and true enough he has seen 6 in the last 5 months.
I just turned 60 have been married for 30 years, never even looked at anyone else. I am a very young 60 and also look a lot younger but I feel this will age me terrifically. I do not even know where to start my life. I have never known any other life. But I do trust in God. The signs that he has given me over the past years are a confirmation of his love for me. God Bless you and help you. X
(USA) I am going thru the same stuff right now. Last week I had found out my husband was having an affair thru Facebook. Him and his little girlfriend blocked me on Facebook. After that I called him on his phone while he was working in Long Island of course, he denied it and all. After 2 weeks he claimed he dumped her… but I can’t help feeling like he’s still a liar after all he says no divorce and no separation and he came home to ME. But I still don’t trust Him.
Last night he had a dream and talked out loud about how he wanted her and her mother to come and live with him out. I laughed out loud as I know it couldn’t be about my mother as they don’t get along. Something tells me it isn’t over with them. I’m not sure what to think. Any advice?