“All marriages go through periods of disaffection, times when love feels distant, cold. What happens during these times will often set the course for the rest of the marriage.” (Tim Clinton)

Last week we shared portions of a magazine article that was featured in the November/December issue of Moody Magazine (a bimonthly Christian magazine which is no longer in print as of 2003). This issue featured several excellent articles on marriage.

This week we’d like to share one more article from this magazine. We pray it will benefit your marriage. It’s written by Tim and Julie Clinton and is entitled: “How ‘Disaffection’ Starts.” It reads:

All marriages go through periods of disaffection, times when love feels distant, cold. What happens during these times will often set the course for the rest of the marriage. Unfortunately, disaffection often wins out and couples who get to the point of divorce never know God’s desire for their marriage. And many of those who stay in their marriages live unhappily behind closed doors. But how does disaffection start? It actually begins with everyday life, with the six pressures we all daily face.

STRESS—we’re pulled in every direction, busy and going nowhere fast, having to do more with less time. Before long, tempers flare, stomachs ache, hearts break. Hurried decisions become bad decisions. And bad decisions make people hurt.

Marriage becomes a perpetual uphill climb. And our hurt makes us irritable, discouraged, and very difficult to live with. Some have just flat-out been overwhelmed by life, wayward kids, financial pressures, loss, health problems, and demanding work schedules. Take an inventory. What stresses have been tearing at your relationship since you married?

• EVIL —(Satan) is the great confuser and the ultimate liar. He magnifies our weaknesses and fears and uses them as wedges that come between us. Peter described the evil one as a “roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour” (1 Peter 5:8). And he’s out to take as big a bite as he can out of your marriage.

• FALSE EXPECTATIONS —here are a few of the most common: Marriage will complete me. —Life will be easy now. —My spouse won’t hurt me. —Love will keep us together.

Marriage brings together two people who have many human frailties that are at first magnified, then hopefully, in Christ, strengthened into godly traits. But it takes a lot of humility, grace, and constant work at understanding what’s reasonable for you and your spouse to expect from each other.

• SELFISHNESS —in our marriage we don’t really want to hurt each other. But we do. We fail each other. We say hurtful words. Marriage was designed to be a team effort, one of loving and giving, of making a commitment to our mate. But selfishness, so rampant in our culture, creates an “island of me,” when we should be sharing the “island of we.”

• SCRIPTS FROM THE PAST —a lot of our behavior is influenced by scripts that were written for us long ago. For instance, if one or both of our parents abandoned us when we were children, we’ll live today as if we expect those we love to abandon us in the here and now. We need, therefore, to look for those elements of our lives that are unresolved—physical, emotional, or sexual abuse; the effects of parental divorce. Then we need to deal with those losses and hurts in sound, biblical ways.

• SPEED —intimacy takes time, but when we live in the fast lane, intimacy falls by the wayside. For example, maybe we think a date night will solve our problems. But what happens on date nights when things haven’t been going well? One lousy night! The result is loneliness, anger, feelings of rejection, and sorrow. A natural response to this pain is to create a gap between you and your partner-which can pave the way for destructive cycle of conflict and distancing.

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As we look upon the “disaffection” that occurs so easily in our marriages. especially in today’s world, we’re reminded of the scripture verse that says, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:2). How much this needs to be ingrained in our thinking and lifestyle choices!In my (Cindy’s) prayer time yesterday, as I was praying for my husband, I came upon a prayer card that’s so appropriate for today’s message. It reads:

“Lord, don’t let our marriage conform to the patterns of the world. Let us be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Let us abide in your will all of our days. So be it!”

It’s our continual prayer that our marriage and how we treat each other out in the public and also behind closed doors will exemplify the love that Christ has for His Church. We pray that as others are with us, they’ll see Christ and will be attracted to the message He has for them—and will be drawn to the Lord as a result. We don’t want to be a hindrance in any way to the kingdom building He wants to communicate through us. We pray we’ll always love each other and those that come into our lives with God’s amazing grace.

The Lord has shown us that we’re called to be “lamp lighters for Christ” poking holes in the darkness that surrounds us in this world today. We pray you’ll join us in this mission. Please let us know of different ways the Lord has helped you in carrying out your mission in marriage. We’d love to pass it on to others so we’ll all benefit from it. As the old saying goes, “praise the Lord and shame the devil.”

Please know that our hearts and prayers are with you as together we pro-actively make continual choices to love and honor each other in marriage.

Steve and Cindy Wright

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