The difference between holding on to a hurt or releasing it with forgiveness is like the difference between laying your head down at night on a pillow filled with thorns or a pillow filled with rose petals. (Loren Fincher –More Stories from the Heart)
There’s a big difference between forgiving someone and restoring a relationship. Everyone should forgive for their own benefit regardless of the actions of the other person.
But forgiveness is not synonymous with restoration. Restoring the relationship will take the effort of both parties and is therefore not always possible. Sometimes one party is unwilling to do the work of restoration.
Within the context of forgiveness, there are two types. In the first, the offending party is truly sorry and asking for forgiveness, which makes forgiveness much easier. In the second situation the offending party is not sorry making it much more difficult, but it is still necessary to forgive them for your own benefit as to not allow that person to ruin your future as well as your past.
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• HOW DOES ONE FORGIVE AN EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR?
And then, how do you forgive the woman who had an affair with your spouse, split up the family, and eventually married your husband? It’s a tough situation —to say the least. Read of how one woman discovered freedom as she finally was able to release herself from the prison of unforgiveness. To read the article about her journey, please click onto the link below:
• THE HEALING POWER OF FORGIVENESS
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8 comments so far ↓
1 Scott // Oct 20, 2008 at 8:11 pm
(US) I really hate to burst your bubble but I’m very sorry, it’s over. You will fight it for a year or two. This time is necessary. You will know then that you tried. If you will notice, almost every site on the internet that encourages you to stay is SELLING something. People are very easy targets in this fragile state. Good Luck, I’m going through it too.
2 Nicole // Oct 20, 2008 at 6:58 am
(USA) Caitlin… It was just a couple of months ago I was on this site seeking advice. My ex-fiancé had cheated on with 2 different women that I know of and 1 of them became pregnant. I was so hurt, embarrassed, and confused. I just could not get this child out of my head. I would think of him at home, work, church…anywhere. I could not sleep or even take care of my own child because I had let my ex-fiancé’s deceitful actions get the best of me. I would pray and fast and it seem like nothing would happen.
But one day it did happen, day after day I would become stronger and stronger. I had my share of pity parties and crying days, but it did not kill me it only made me stronger.
I’m at the point now where I can now ask about the child and even say his name, but even that took a long time. My child has not meet her brother because I still need more time to heal but I know God will give me the strength to tell her about him soon enough. He will also give me strength to not be embarrassed about the things that have happened in my life or what people think about me and my past heartaches.
I can tell you that if you pray and seek God, your days will get better. You will not have so much resentment and anger in you. I still get angry but the child is innocent and when my family and friends would tell me that, I would get so mad. But it’s the truth… he never asked to be in this world.
Please stay strong and keep your head up… brighter days are ahead!!! I will pray for you… Nicole
3 Caitlin // Oct 19, 2008 at 9:33 pm
(USA) I was experiencing something like Karen in the 2nd article. My boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me for almost 1.5 years of those and is having a baby with the other women. After 6 months I am willing to try and forgive him but, I am holding on to the resentment I have for her. Why her? Why does she get to share something so intimate as a child with him? Right after he told me about affair I found out I was pregnant and just had a miscarriage. I find myself so angry that she seems to have one.
My boyfriend is trying to hold on to me and is trying to regain my trust but, it’s so hard because she will now forever be in his life because of this child. A constant reminder of what he did. She is trying to turn him against me and trying to start the relationship up again with him. I am so angry and I can’t get the image of her and their child out of my head. Sometimes the rage runs through my entire body and it’s almost unbearable. How do I get rid of this? It is destroying me!!
4 Mary // Oct 10, 2008 at 12:33 am
(ZAMBIA) My husband and I are still at each others throats. We had a fight yesterday, a physical fight.
It all started because he still denies having forcible sex with my housekeeper. I told him to just tell me the truth, but he says she consented, which I do not believe. How will I ever forgive him if he is not being truthful? I wanted to leave before but when I knocked off from work, he had unpacked all my things and put them back in place.
Surely, I am not stupid. This man is not remorseful, and I told him last night I am contemplating divorce. Why should I stay married and miserable when I have seen single people happy? He says I can do whatever pleases me and he even told me not to allow my family to come and visit. I live in Africa where extended family is important. We don’t do away with family. He does not want anybody else to come and counsel us, but I can’t heal like this.
It’s obvious he does not regret his actions anymore, like he did when I first found out about his cheating on me. I am so sad, I have been looking for an apartment where my daughter and I can live. My daughter is very disturbed, she is in an exam class, and our fights are making her sad.
5 Mary // Oct 1, 2008 at 12:50 am
(ZAMBIA) I am finding it difficult to forgive my husband who committed adultery in August. It was not even an affair, but lust led him to do it. He had asked for forgiveness when I just discovered and it has really been painful.
I had my pastor came over to my house on Saturday and we had a good talk and he prayed for my husband and me. I felt better that day and I even moved back to my bedroom. By yesterday, something triggered the anger and pain. I told my husband that what he did is unforgivable and that he was an idiot who could hardly keep his eye off my house keeper. She was not even of his class, a dirty, plain, average lady. I know forgiveness is a condition, I said that out of anger.
He told me I can do whatever I want. He told me this issue will never end on my side and so I should move out if I so wish, because I have become a nag. We argued about how I discovered he had been watching porn– I suppose that led him to forcibly have sex with my housekeeper. He then banged the door behind me and once again I had to sleep in the sitting room.
There is tension again in my house. I have left him at home. I am at work and I can not concentrate. I have mixed emotions right now. Should I leave as he asked me to? My daughter who is 12 years old (not his, I have no child with him) told me this morning that she does not like him and we should just move out. I started packing my clothes and I told my husband I will finish packing the rest of my stuff when I knock off from work.
Is this the best solution, ever? Am I overreacting? Maybe I am losing my mind. Why am I still holding a grudge and bitterness? I am crying as I am writing this because I don’t know which step to take. I am so confused right now.
I opened the Bible randomly this morning, but the verses I read were of different situations. I need help before I have a nervous breakdown.
6 LT // Mar 21, 2008 at 10:08 pm
(USA) Hi Teresa, Obviously my own spiritual walk is different from yours and my relationship with Christ is my own but in my personal experience I heard the same things told to me. That forgiving = forgetting.
I simply do not believe this is true. I think if we always just forgot, we’d never learn anything. We don’t just learn from our own mistakes, but those of others as well.
In the book The Heavenly Man, by Brother Yun, he talks of the tortures he received, in Chinese prisons, on behalf of his Christianity. And we are talking SERIOUS torture- things most people can’t comprehend of. The fact that he is even alive is a testament to God but here is what I learned from reading that book.
I have no doubt Brother Yun is a man of great faith and forgiveness and therefore has forgiven all his captors. But, if he’d forgotten, he wouldn’t have written that book would he?
So I don’t believe forgiveness = forgetting forever, but here is what is is supposed to mean. It means not living in the past. Living in the past is of Satan - it traps us from living out our daily lives for Christ because we are instead holding on to past hurts and then fearing those hurts will occur again.
Fear and living in the past is a VERY powerful and often-utilized tool of Satan. I can’t tell you that your husband won’t be unfaithful again. And although I do get the sense he’s telling you to forget because he’s trying to let himself off the hook, he is correct in that you do have to forgive.
The "forgetting" part - is not seeing him for who he used to be. Not looking at him as the adulterer. It doesn’t mean that you weren’t hurt - of course you were. It just means looking forward, not backward. If he has repented and asked for forgiveness (from you and God) then you do need to give him the benefit of the doubt. In the end, it will actually help you, possibly even more than him because it will help you live in a healthier, less fearful and negative state of mind. It will help you release the toxic state of mind caused by an affair.
It’s not easy but with Christ all things are possible. Hope that helps - I had the same "forgetting" dilemma a while back and I went to God with that and this is, so far, what I believe but I can’t tell you what to believe - only God can. God bless, LT
7 Anne // Mar 21, 2008 at 11:34 am
(CANADA) Hi Teresa, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I’m going through the same thing with infidelity. We’ve been married for 2 yrs and as you know, it’s a lot of pain, anger, hatred and bitterness. I have forgiven my husband but I haven’t forgotten. I still get angry and just want to do a lot to the other woman. As human beings we don’t forget easily. The best we can do is pray. I know satan is bringing images in my head so that I may fall, but I refuse. I am asking God to guide me through this everyday.
Take your concerns to God and ask Him to guide you. That’s the best I can tell you. I do understand what you’re going through. God will bring healing. Don’t be discouraged. We can’t heal alone. And pray for your husband so that God may guide him and show him his mistakes and bring peace and love in your marriage. God bless you and trust in God.
8 Teresa // Mar 21, 2008 at 1:14 am
(USA) I have searched the links of this site and others. My marriage has been through many years of not knowing how to forgive. There isn’t enough space to cover it all. Our resent issue deals with infidelity. This isn’t the first time. The difference this time is our age. Bad issues hit us in the early years of our marriage. I guess being young and dumb we just swept them under the rug. This will be our 27th year of marriage this year. It has been a year and half since the drama hit. I was the offended one. To make sure that I’m not bashing my husband. There is something that is weighing heavy on my heart and in my mind. As a matter of fact, it is the cause of big arguments. I try very hard to forgive my husband. I still have a great deal of confusion in my head.
When it comes to forgiving, does it also mean one HAS to forget? My husband says since I can’t forget it, I haven’t forgiven him. He quotes Bible words and says God forgives. The sins are gone as far as the east is from the west. I just tell him I’m human and not God. Yes, my biggest fault is not being able to forget. I’m haunted more so this time around. Really I think it is more like fear. If I let my fears or forget go, (let my guard down), I know it will happen again even though he says he has learned his lesson this time.
So after this lengthly post, does anyone or can anyone help me in showing my husband that forgiving is a lot easier then forgetting? Also if anyone has been through infidelity, more then once in the same marriage? How can one truly forgive, trust, rebuild, learn to love their spouse again, and deal with the emotions, hurtful thoughts, and all the things that come from this? I feel as though I’m going to be doing this alone. If someone has the answers, please pass them on.
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