The difference between holding on to a hurt or releasing it with forgiveness is like the difference between laying your head down at night on a pillow filled with thorns or a pillow filled with rose petals. (Loren Fincher –More Stories from the Heart)
There’s a big difference between forgiving someone and restoring a relationship. Everyone should forgive for their own benefit regardless of the actions of the other person.
But forgiveness is not synonymous with restoration. Restoring the relationship will take the effort of both parties and is therefore not always possible. Sometimes one party is unwilling to do the work of restoration.
Within the context of forgiveness, there are two types. In the first, the offending party is truly sorry and asking for forgiveness, which makes forgiveness much easier. In the second situation the offending party is not sorry making it much more difficult, but it is still necessary to forgive them for your own benefit as to not allow that person to ruin your future as well as your past.
To continue reading this article,
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which is posted on the terrific web site for Beyondaffairs.com.
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• HOW DOES ONE FORGIVE AN EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR?
And then, how do you forgive the woman who had an affair with your spouse, split up the family, and eventually married your husband? It’s a tough situation —to say the least. Read of how one woman discovered freedom as she finally was able to release herself from the prison of unforgiveness. To read the article about her journey, please click onto the link below:
• THE HEALING POWER OF FORGIVENESS
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(USA) I have searched the links of this site and others. My marriage has been through many years of not knowing how to forgive. There isn’t enough space to cover it all. Our resent issue deals with infidelity. This isn’t the first time. The difference this time is our age. Bad issues hit us in the early years of our marriage. I guess being young and dumb we just swept them under the rug. This will be our 27th year of marriage this year. It has been a year and half since the drama hit. I was the offended one. To make sure that I’m not bashing my husband. There is something that is weighing heavy on my heart and in my mind. As a matter of fact, it is the cause of big arguments. I try very hard to forgive my husband. I still have a great deal of confusion in my head.
When it comes to forgiving, does it also mean one HAS to forget? My husband says since I can’t forget it, I haven’t forgiven him. He quotes Bible words and says God forgives. The sins are gone as far as the east is from the west. I just tell him I’m human and not God. Yes, my biggest fault is not being able to forget. I’m haunted more so this time around. Really I think it is more like fear. If I let my fears or forget go, (let my guard down), I know it will happen again even though he says he has learned his lesson this time.
So after this lengthly post, does anyone or can anyone help me in showing my husband that forgiving is a lot easier then forgetting? Also if anyone has been through infidelity, more then once in the same marriage? How can one truly forgive, trust, rebuild, learn to love their spouse again, and deal with the emotions, hurtful thoughts, and all the things that come from this? I feel as though I’m going to be doing this alone. If someone has the answers, please pass them on.
(CANADA) Hi Teresa, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I’m going through the same thing with infidelity. We’ve been married for 2 yrs and as you know, it’s a lot of pain, anger, hatred and bitterness. I have forgiven my husband but I haven’t forgotten. I still get angry and just want to do a lot to the other woman. As human beings we don’t forget easily. The best we can do is pray. I know satan is bringing images in my head so that I may fall, but I refuse. I am asking God to guide me through this everyday.
Take your concerns to God and ask Him to guide you. That’s the best I can tell you. I do understand what you’re going through. God will bring healing. Don’t be discouraged. We can’t heal alone. And pray for your husband so that God may guide him and show him his mistakes and bring peace and love in your marriage. God bless you and trust in God.
(USA) Hi Teresa, Obviously my own spiritual walk is different from yours and my relationship with Christ is my own but in my personal experience I heard the same things told to me. That forgiving = forgetting.
I simply do not believe this is true. I think if we always just forgot, we’d never learn anything. We don’t just learn from our own mistakes, but those of others as well.
In the book The Heavenly Man, by Brother Yun, he talks of the tortures he received, in Chinese prisons, on behalf of his Christianity. And we are talking SERIOUS torture- things most people can’t comprehend of. The fact that he is even alive is a testament to God but here is what I learned from reading that book.
I have no doubt Brother Yun is a man of great faith and forgiveness and therefore has forgiven all his captors. But, if he’d forgotten, he wouldn’t have written that book would he?
So I don’t believe forgiveness = forgetting forever, but here is what is is supposed to mean. It means not living in the past. Living in the past is of Satan – it traps us from living out our daily lives for Christ because we are instead holding on to past hurts and then fearing those hurts will occur again.
Fear and living in the past is a VERY powerful and often-utilized tool of Satan. I can’t tell you that your husband won’t be unfaithful again. And although I do get the sense he’s telling you to forget because he’s trying to let himself off the hook, he is correct in that you do have to forgive.
The "forgetting" part – is not seeing him for who he used to be. Not looking at him as the adulterer. It doesn’t mean that you weren’t hurt – of course you were. It just means looking forward, not backward. If he has repented and asked for forgiveness (from you and God) then you do need to give him the benefit of the doubt. In the end, it will actually help you, possibly even more than him because it will help you live in a healthier, less fearful and negative state of mind. It will help you release the toxic state of mind caused by an affair.
It’s not easy but with Christ all things are possible. Hope that helps – I had the same "forgetting" dilemma a while back and I went to God with that and this is, so far, what I believe but I can’t tell you what to believe – only God can. God bless, LT
(ZAMBIA) I am finding it difficult to forgive my husband who committed adultery in August. It was not even an affair, but lust led him to do it. He had asked for forgiveness when I just discovered and it has really been painful.
I had my pastor came over to my house on Saturday and we had a good talk and he prayed for my husband and me. I felt better that day and I even moved back to my bedroom. By yesterday, something triggered the anger and pain. I told my husband that what he did is unforgivable and that he was an idiot who could hardly keep his eye off my house keeper. She was not even of his class, a dirty, plain, average lady. I know forgiveness is a condition, I said that out of anger.
He told me I can do whatever I want. He told me this issue will never end on my side and so I should move out if I so wish, because I have become a nag. We argued about how I discovered he had been watching porn– I suppose that led him to forcibly have sex with my housekeeper. He then banged the door behind me and once again I had to sleep in the sitting room.
There is tension again in my house. I have left him at home. I am at work and I can not concentrate. I have mixed emotions right now. Should I leave as he asked me to? My daughter who is 12 years old (not his, I have no child with him) told me this morning that she does not like him and we should just move out. I started packing my clothes and I told my husband I will finish packing the rest of my stuff when I knock off from work.
Is this the best solution, ever? Am I overreacting? Maybe I am losing my mind. Why am I still holding a grudge and bitterness? I am crying as I am writing this because I don’t know which step to take. I am so confused right now.
I opened the Bible randomly this morning, but the verses I read were of different situations. I need help before I have a nervous breakdown.
(ZAMBIA) My husband and I are still at each others throats. We had a fight yesterday, a physical fight.
It all started because he still denies having forcible sex with my housekeeper. I told him to just tell me the truth, but he says she consented, which I do not believe. How will I ever forgive him if he is not being truthful? I wanted to leave before but when I knocked off from work, he had unpacked all my things and put them back in place.
Surely, I am not stupid. This man is not remorseful, and I told him last night I am contemplating divorce. Why should I stay married and miserable when I have seen single people happy? He says I can do whatever pleases me and he even told me not to allow my family to come and visit. I live in Africa where extended family is important. We don’t do away with family. He does not want anybody else to come and counsel us, but I can’t heal like this.
It’s obvious he does not regret his actions anymore, like he did when I first found out about his cheating on me. I am so sad, I have been looking for an apartment where my daughter and I can live. My daughter is very disturbed, she is in an exam class, and our fights are making her sad.
(USA) I was experiencing something like Karen in the 2nd article. My boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me for almost 1.5 years of those and is having a baby with the other women. After 6 months I am willing to try and forgive him but, I am holding on to the resentment I have for her. Why her? Why does she get to share something so intimate as a child with him? Right after he told me about affair I found out I was pregnant and just had a miscarriage. I find myself so angry that she seems to have one.
My boyfriend is trying to hold on to me and is trying to regain my trust but, it’s so hard because she will now forever be in his life because of this child. A constant reminder of what he did. She is trying to turn him against me and trying to start the relationship up again with him. I am so angry and I can’t get the image of her and their child out of my head. Sometimes the rage runs through my entire body and it’s almost unbearable. How do I get rid of this? It is destroying me!!
(USA) Caitlin… It was just a couple of months ago I was on this site seeking advice. My ex-fiancé had cheated on with 2 different women that I know of and 1 of them became pregnant. I was so hurt, embarrassed, and confused. I just could not get this child out of my head. I would think of him at home, work, church…anywhere. I could not sleep or even take care of my own child because I had let my ex-fiancé’s deceitful actions get the best of me. I would pray and fast and it seem like nothing would happen.
But one day it did happen, day after day I would become stronger and stronger. I had my share of pity parties and crying days, but it did not kill me it only made me stronger.
I’m at the point now where I can now ask about the child and even say his name, but even that took a long time. My child has not meet her brother because I still need more time to heal but I know God will give me the strength to tell her about him soon enough. He will also give me strength to not be embarrassed about the things that have happened in my life or what people think about me and my past heartaches.
I can tell you that if you pray and seek God, your days will get better. You will not have so much resentment and anger in you. I still get angry but the child is innocent and when my family and friends would tell me that, I would get so mad. But it’s the truth… he never asked to be in this world.
Please stay strong and keep your head up… brighter days are ahead!!! I will pray for you… Nicole
(US) I really hate to burst your bubble but I’m very sorry, it’s over. You will fight it for a year or two. This time is necessary. You will know then that you tried. If you will notice, almost every site on the internet that encourages you to stay is SELLING something. People are very easy targets in this fragile state. Good Luck, I’m going through it too.
(USA) Too hard.
(USA) We have been married for 30 years and he has had several emotional affairs. We are still living together. We have 4 adult sons. This happens about every 10 years. He is sorry and tearful and blah blah blah. We have been counseling each time and each time he renews his promises and I guess it lasts for about 5 years then we are back to the whole infidelity thing. At the time I really believe that he does not want to feel this level of pain again but it seems to be an addiction for him.
Through my prayers, tears, fears, trying to hurt the least amount of people the answer I have received from our dear Lord has been Yes I must forgive, Yes I must love but I do not have to trust. We are working on the trust in the relationship this time by journaling each week for 1 hour but out of 12 weeks he has bagged three times. We wrote and signed a contract to do the journaling for 1 year and at the end of a year we can make a decision to move on if we do not experience restoration.
The first time it hurts more than anything you experience but after a while the pain is mostly his. I found that I try too hard so this time the ball (no pun intended) is in his court. Keep praying and you may come to the realization that no one individual can love you, that is only from God. As the scripture states, trust no one. The pain can be transforming and it will wax and wane. May you find your way and forgive and love yourself. This is his issue not yours.
(UK) Well in this instance, I am ashamed to say I am the one who cheated. Afterward I felt really awful because it was not even like the man I was cheating on my partner with, was doing anything spectacular, because he wasn’t. And every time I saw him I would ask myself questions like “What am I doing here?”
By the time I came to my senses the damage had already been done. I am not going to say why I did it because that would just be justifying my actions and I feel I have no right to justify anything. My partner found out about it and things have never been the same. I truly love him, and I guess it took this to make me realise what I was and did lose for all intents and purposes. I cleaned up my act in record time not through my own might, but because I re-found my faith. Now all I can do is pray that my partner can get to a point where he can forgive me.
(USA) Through reading all of these posts, I have shed many tears. I have been married for four years. The entire year of 2008, my husband cheated on me. Through this time, I had NO idea that anything was wrong until the beginning of November. At that time, he told me he was unhappy. He blamed it on work-related depression, but let me know that it was beginning to make him unhappy in all areas of life- including our marriage. I immediately found us a counselor, and he agreed to go. We saw the counselor for about 3 sessions. I could tell that he was not opening up, and he kept acting like there was more to be said.
In January of 09, I found what more there was to be said. I looked at our phone records and was astonished to see the number of text messages he had been sending. I did some investigating, and was unbearably hurt by what I found. Upon confronting him, it took a lot to get the full truth- but I believe that I have finally heard it all.
I kicked him out of our home immediately. The lines of communication have never been as open for us as they were over the next couple of days. I truly believe that my husband found God that night. He sent me scripture, he read the things I told him to read, he was ready to lead me in our Christian walk. I wanted to badly to forgive him right away- even he didn’t understand it. God was working in me through my diligence to follow Him. Don’t get me wrong- I was hurt more than I ever thought I could be. This was pain I had never, ever felt before. I had never been through anything like this. I restricted the amount of time that he was allowed to see me daily. I only talked to him when necessary. I gave him conditions that he had to fulfill before he could move back into our house.
Ultimately, he did those things. He is a young Christian, and has a true desire to discover what God has in store for him. I have actually forgiven him. However, the images will not go away. I read Facebook messages, saw picture texts, and read emails that are now ingrained in my brain. I want so badly for those things to disappear. The reality is that they are not going to go away- maybe ever. But, the article attached to this page explains things well. Each time those images come up, they hurt a little less. It’s just like losing a loved one. There are days when you think of your loved on and you will not hurt like you did the day they passed away- BUT- there will also be days where the pain that you feel for not having them in your lives is crushing- and you just have to take a moment, break down, and pick yourself back up.
I have the same days in dealing with my forgiveness. When I have a moment where I cry over this affair- my husband will say “I didn’t know it was still this bad.” or “I thought you were over this.” I have to help him to understand that I AM doing better, I AM trying to get over this- but there will be days where I will think about it. AND- I have to make sure that I am not naive. I trust him now, yes. But, I will not be naive. He and I have had to make some agreements- no facebook, I can look at his phone when I want to, when I am out of town- he is WITH people that can keep him accountable.
It is a journey. Forgiveness will come. Forgetting… not likely, but the pain will ease as time goes on. God will allow that to happen. Depend on Him.
(Mary- if you have faith that this is THE ONE God has made for you, work on forgiving him, but if he continues to have no remorse, and to be emotionally abusive to you- seek counsel from a trusted Christian Leader!)
(MOCAMBIQUE) I have been married for 18 years now and have experienced numerous breakdowns caused by my husband’s affairs. Most times I would fight back and be depressed while he went about doing whatever he wished. He would apologize and say he would not do it again but it’s only a matter of time before he repeats the same thing.
What has been my source of strength has been to look at the many sins I have committed for which God has forgiven me, and the many requests I have asked which God has granted me. God has also asked me to forgive others and has commended me to love my enemies. You know when you consider that we are humans and that the devil will look for anyone among us to use, you will find that the devil will always use the weaker among us to cause problems. So if we are to forgive, do not forgive because you feel you have to, but forgive but because God has asked you to and you are putting God’s will first before yours.
Sometime I look at my husband as my own son, if you son had affairs and always gets things wrong would you pray for him? If God gave you the worst husband and he holds your hand and asks you to lead this husband to him, would you pray for him? Sometimes I think these husbands have been put into our lives for a reason and trying to divorce him or getting him to change might not be the answer. But that God wants you to focus on him and his words and see his power which you can only see when you stop hurting and stop focusing on your husband mistakes or wrongs.
He has said that we should seek first his kingdom and righteousness and all the things will be given unto you.
Start praying and completely focusing on God’s word and see his power and miraculous ways. He is the alpha and the omega, you know. God can change everything but just remember this will be in his own time and in his own way. I believe whatever is happening to you today was meant to happen whether you like it or not but your reaction to this will determine your future. You reap what you sow therefore while you are depressed or angry cast all this unto God and let him lead the way. Start praying and focusing on God. Let God guide the way you will soon have peace for he is the Prince of Peace.
(USA) I thank you all for your openness. It has helped me. My husband is addicted to sex internet relationships etc. He is one of the ministers there and I want God to intervene. I desire to see him set free, that light of the Holy Spirit would flood his soul and life.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Thanks for the openness. I still have a long way to go. I just found out that I have a disease which my husband gave me. He said he only cheated once, but it’s hard to believe. We are both Christians, born again. I pray that God will help us through this.
(UK) I discovered my husband had a one night stand early this year (but I only found out 3 weeks ago). He had unprotected sex with a woman from the same country we come from and this happened in the country he works in as an international expat staff. The woman also worked there for the UN in one of the organisations and my husband said she got him drunk and he tells me he didn’t know what happened but said that they were watching a movie and having a drink. Mind you, I’ve never seen my husband drunk and he’s not one to get drunk in the 16.5 years we’ve been together, first as dating, then the 10 years we’ve been married.
The pain and anguish I’ve felt is immeasurable. The woman is pregnant. She obviously had to come back home to have the baby which is due in November this year.
What I don’t understand is that my husband says he regretted doing this and was scared to tell me… I went through his emails after I had my suspicions about his behaviour when he came home on holiday recently.
He says he is deeply sorry for the pain and anguish he’s caused me. We have two daughters together both very, very young. I come from a home where my folks divorced and I saw how difficult it was for my mum to raise me alone… I don’t want to go down that road… it’s not what I planned for myself, or my family. I’m a strong believer in ‘Till death do us part.
I went through all the emotions of hating him, wanting a divorce and even never seeing him again, let alone our children. I didn’t want him anywhere near me or our children. To me he was as good as dead. But then I took some days to think things over and decided to forgive him, but I will never accept that child and I’ve sworn if he has anything to do with that child, I’d rather pack and leave even though I still love him.
For me, I feel that if that woman got him drunk, she did it for her own pleasure and didn’t care about the consequences. I hate her with all my heart and soul.
Secondly, if he regretted it, why did he still maintain constant touch and even go on holiday with her to another country? Didn’t he think I’d find out? They took pictures of each other and there’s no doubt that it was just the two of them… in spite of him telling me there were other people.
Also, when he came home on holiday, he brought some of her stuff to take to her parent’s house not far from where we live.
I want to believe him when he says that the relationship is over between them, but I don’t think so. She has his email address and his mobile number. He’s sworn that she’s not gotten in touch and that they are through and there’s no emotional relationship whatsoever between them!
I don’t know if I’ll ever go beyond this and find peace within myself and find true happiness in our marriage ever again. I feel defiled… he exposed himself and in turn exposed me to HIV/AIDS. I’m so scared.
Should I trust him when he say’s he’s sorry? Should I forgive him whole heartedly or can I be allowed not to forgive the fact that he could’ve infected me with AIDS??? I’m so confused ..I still love him, but the trust is gone. Please help me out. Reyanna
(UNITED STATES) As far as I’m concern most men are Pigs! My so called husband of 10 years has cheated on me 2 times that I know of and here I am contemplating what to do next while he sleeps like a baby in the next room. The only reason I believe I’m still here is because of my son is still a baby and I don’t want to put him in daycare all day because his daddy decided to do what he does. He had been asking me to have a baby with him for the longest time until I finally decided to have a child with him. I thought having a family would bring us together; boy was I wrong.
I’ve read many of your post and it really upsets me that so many of you blame it on Satan. Please, we all have self control that’s what separates us from animals. We just happened to end up with the wrong men, we ignored all the red flags, and some times can even blame ourselves. We need to learn to love our selves and not settle for less.
(USA) Blaming infidelity on a particular sex is very small thinking. The number of women who cheat is very close to men. I’m dealing with a cheating wife. What I found is that we both contributed to the problem. The affair was 100% her fault but it probably wouldn’t have happened if our marriage was healthy. We were miserable for a long time and we didn’t know why. It turns out that we stopped communicating in an effective way a long time ago.
With the help of a counselor, we rediscovered our love for one another and have begun rebuilding our relationship. The main ingredient has been honesty communicated effectively. It was hard to hear all of the details but I needed to assess the damage so that I could determine if I could live with what she had done. It was particularly hard to learn that she gave her boyfriend her diamond wedding ring to pawn. I wanted to leave her but I didn’t want my four young children to pay the same price I did growing up. Since she was 100% committed to restoring our relationship, I decided to try if only for the benefit of my children.
Today, I’m glad I did. We haven’t been this close in 20 plus years. I’m still up and down with it, but the swings are becoming less. I’m trying something new to deal with the resentments. Each time a painful memory concerning the affair enters my mind, I tell her “I forgive you” and try to move my mind off the painful memory. I don’t know if this will work but I am willing to try. I know that a resentment is to re-feel pain. This means that the first time I experience pain, it is at the hand of someone else. Any subsequent feelings of pain are at my own hand. I hear that praying for the people who hurt you is a good way to get rid of a resentment. However I get there, I know that I have to let this go or it will consume me.