The difference between holding on to a hurt or releasing it with forgiveness is like the difference between laying your head down at night on a pillow filled with thorns or a pillow filled with rose petals. (Loren Fincher –More Stories from the Heart)
There’s a big difference between forgiving someone and restoring a relationship. Everyone should forgive for their own benefit regardless of the actions of the other person.
But forgiveness is not synonymous with restoration. Restoring the relationship will take the effort of both parties and is therefore not always possible. Sometimes one party is unwilling to do the work of restoration.
Within the context of forgiveness, there are two types. In the first, the offending party is truly sorry and asking for forgiveness, which makes forgiveness much easier. In the second situation the offending party is not sorry making it much more difficult, but it is still necessary to forgive them for your own benefit as to not allow that person to ruin your future as well as your past.
To continue reading this article,
we’ll take you to the article
which is posted on the terrific web site for Beyondaffairs.com.
To do so click onto the link below:
• HOW DOES ONE FORGIVE AN EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR?
And then, how do you forgive the woman who had an affair with your spouse, split up the family, and eventually married your husband? It’s a tough situation —to say the least. Read of how one woman discovered freedom as she finally was able to release herself from the prison of unforgiveness. To read the article about her journey, please click onto the link below:
• THE HEALING POWER OF FORGIVENESS
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(UK) Well in this instance, I am ashamed to say I am the one who cheated. Afterward I felt really awful because it was not even like the man I was cheating on my partner with, was doing anything spectacular, because he wasn’t. And every time I saw him I would ask myself questions like “What am I doing here?”
By the time I came to my senses the damage had already been done. I am not going to say why I did it because that would just be justifying my actions and I feel I have no right to justify anything. My partner found out about it and things have never been the same. I truly love him, and I guess it took this to make me realise what I was and did lose for all intents and purposes. I cleaned up my act in record time not through my own might, but because I re-found my faith. Now all I can do is pray that my partner can get to a point where he can forgive me.
(USA) Through reading all of these posts, I have shed many tears. I have been married for four years. The entire year of 2008, my husband cheated on me. Through this time, I had NO idea that anything was wrong until the beginning of November. At that time, he told me he was unhappy. He blamed it on work-related depression, but let me know that it was beginning to make him unhappy in all areas of life- including our marriage. I immediately found us a counselor, and he agreed to go. We saw the counselor for about 3 sessions. I could tell that he was not opening up, and he kept acting like there was more to be said.
In January of 09, I found what more there was to be said. I looked at our phone records and was astonished to see the number of text messages he had been sending. I did some investigating, and was unbearably hurt by what I found. Upon confronting him, it took a lot to get the full truth- but I believe that I have finally heard it all.
I kicked him out of our home immediately. The lines of communication have never been as open for us as they were over the next couple of days. I truly believe that my husband found God that night. He sent me scripture, he read the things I told him to read, he was ready to lead me in our Christian walk. I wanted to badly to forgive him right away- even he didn’t understand it. God was working in me through my diligence to follow Him. Don’t get me wrong- I was hurt more than I ever thought I could be. This was pain I had never, ever felt before. I had never been through anything like this. I restricted the amount of time that he was allowed to see me daily. I only talked to him when necessary. I gave him conditions that he had to fulfill before he could move back into our house.
Ultimately, he did those things. He is a young Christian, and has a true desire to discover what God has in store for him. I have actually forgiven him. However, the images will not go away. I read Facebook messages, saw picture texts, and read emails that are now ingrained in my brain. I want so badly for those things to disappear. The reality is that they are not going to go away- maybe ever. But, the article attached to this page explains things well. Each time those images come up, they hurt a little less. It’s just like losing a loved one. There are days when you think of your loved on and you will not hurt like you did the day they passed away- BUT- there will also be days where the pain that you feel for not having them in your lives is crushing- and you just have to take a moment, break down, and pick yourself back up.
I have the same days in dealing with my forgiveness. When I have a moment where I cry over this affair- my husband will say “I didn’t know it was still this bad.” or “I thought you were over this.” I have to help him to understand that I AM doing better, I AM trying to get over this- but there will be days where I will think about it. AND- I have to make sure that I am not naive. I trust him now, yes. But, I will not be naive. He and I have had to make some agreements- no facebook, I can look at his phone when I want to, when I am out of town- he is WITH people that can keep him accountable.
It is a journey. Forgiveness will come. Forgetting… not likely, but the pain will ease as time goes on. God will allow that to happen. Depend on Him.
(Mary- if you have faith that this is THE ONE God has made for you, work on forgiving him, but if he continues to have no remorse, and to be emotionally abusive to you- seek counsel from a trusted Christian Leader!)
(MOCAMBIQUE) I have been married for 18 years now and have experienced numerous breakdowns caused by my husband’s affairs. Most times I would fight back and be depressed while he went about doing whatever he wished. He would apologize and say he would not do it again but it’s only a matter of time before he repeats the same thing.
What has been my source of strength has been to look at the many sins I have committed for which God has forgiven me, and the many requests I have asked which God has granted me. God has also asked me to forgive others and has commended me to love my enemies. You know when you consider that we are humans and that the devil will look for anyone among us to use, you will find that the devil will always use the weaker among us to cause problems. So if we are to forgive, do not forgive because you feel you have to, but forgive but because God has asked you to and you are putting God’s will first before yours.
Sometime I look at my husband as my own son, if you son had affairs and always gets things wrong would you pray for him? If God gave you the worst husband and he holds your hand and asks you to lead this husband to him, would you pray for him? Sometimes I think these husbands have been put into our lives for a reason and trying to divorce him or getting him to change might not be the answer. But that God wants you to focus on him and his words and see his power which you can only see when you stop hurting and stop focusing on your husband mistakes or wrongs.
He has said that we should seek first his kingdom and righteousness and all the things will be given unto you.
Start praying and completely focusing on God’s word and see his power and miraculous ways. He is the alpha and the omega, you know. God can change everything but just remember this will be in his own time and in his own way. I believe whatever is happening to you today was meant to happen whether you like it or not but your reaction to this will determine your future. You reap what you sow therefore while you are depressed or angry cast all this unto God and let him lead the way. Start praying and focusing on God. Let God guide the way you will soon have peace for he is the Prince of Peace.
(USA) I thank you all for your openness. It has helped me. My husband is addicted to sex internet relationships etc. He is one of the ministers there and I want God to intervene. I desire to see him set free, that light of the Holy Spirit would flood his soul and life.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Thanks for the openness. I still have a long way to go. I just found out that I have a disease which my husband gave me. He said he only cheated once, but it’s hard to believe. We are both Christians, born again. I pray that God will help us through this.
(UK) I discovered my husband had a one night stand early this year (but I only found out 3 weeks ago). He had unprotected sex with a woman from the same country we come from and this happened in the country he works in as an international expat staff. The woman also worked there for the UN in one of the organisations and my husband said she got him drunk and he tells me he didn’t know what happened but said that they were watching a movie and having a drink. Mind you, I’ve never seen my husband drunk and he’s not one to get drunk in the 16.5 years we’ve been together, first as dating, then the 10 years we’ve been married.
The pain and anguish I’ve felt is immeasurable. The woman is pregnant. She obviously had to come back home to have the baby which is due in November this year.
What I don’t understand is that my husband says he regretted doing this and was scared to tell me… I went through his emails after I had my suspicions about his behaviour when he came home on holiday recently.
He says he is deeply sorry for the pain and anguish he’s caused me. We have two daughters together both very, very young. I come from a home where my folks divorced and I saw how difficult it was for my mum to raise me alone… I don’t want to go down that road… it’s not what I planned for myself, or my family. I’m a strong believer in ‘Till death do us part.
I went through all the emotions of hating him, wanting a divorce and even never seeing him again, let alone our children. I didn’t want him anywhere near me or our children. To me he was as good as dead. But then I took some days to think things over and decided to forgive him, but I will never accept that child and I’ve sworn if he has anything to do with that child, I’d rather pack and leave even though I still love him.
For me, I feel that if that woman got him drunk, she did it for her own pleasure and didn’t care about the consequences. I hate her with all my heart and soul.
Secondly, if he regretted it, why did he still maintain constant touch and even go on holiday with her to another country? Didn’t he think I’d find out? They took pictures of each other and there’s no doubt that it was just the two of them… in spite of him telling me there were other people.
Also, when he came home on holiday, he brought some of her stuff to take to her parent’s house not far from where we live.
I want to believe him when he says that the relationship is over between them, but I don’t think so. She has his email address and his mobile number. He’s sworn that she’s not gotten in touch and that they are through and there’s no emotional relationship whatsoever between them!
I don’t know if I’ll ever go beyond this and find peace within myself and find true happiness in our marriage ever again. I feel defiled… he exposed himself and in turn exposed me to HIV/AIDS. I’m so scared.
Should I trust him when he say’s he’s sorry? Should I forgive him whole heartedly or can I be allowed not to forgive the fact that he could’ve infected me with AIDS??? I’m so confused ..I still love him, but the trust is gone. Please help me out. Reyanna
(UNITED STATES) As far as I’m concern most men are Pigs! My so called husband of 10 years has cheated on me 2 times that I know of and here I am contemplating what to do next while he sleeps like a baby in the next room. The only reason I believe I’m still here is because of my son is still a baby and I don’t want to put him in daycare all day because his daddy decided to do what he does. He had been asking me to have a baby with him for the longest time until I finally decided to have a child with him. I thought having a family would bring us together; boy was I wrong.
I’ve read many of your post and it really upsets me that so many of you blame it on Satan. Please, we all have self control that’s what separates us from animals. We just happened to end up with the wrong men, we ignored all the red flags, and some times can even blame ourselves. We need to learn to love our selves and not settle for less.
(USA) Blaming infidelity on a particular sex is very small thinking. The number of women who cheat is very close to men. I’m dealing with a cheating wife. What I found is that we both contributed to the problem. The affair was 100% her fault but it probably wouldn’t have happened if our marriage was healthy. We were miserable for a long time and we didn’t know why. It turns out that we stopped communicating in an effective way a long time ago.
With the help of a counselor, we rediscovered our love for one another and have begun rebuilding our relationship. The main ingredient has been honesty communicated effectively. It was hard to hear all of the details but I needed to assess the damage so that I could determine if I could live with what she had done. It was particularly hard to learn that she gave her boyfriend her diamond wedding ring to pawn. I wanted to leave her but I didn’t want my four young children to pay the same price I did growing up. Since she was 100% committed to restoring our relationship, I decided to try if only for the benefit of my children.
Today, I’m glad I did. We haven’t been this close in 20 plus years. I’m still up and down with it, but the swings are becoming less. I’m trying something new to deal with the resentments. Each time a painful memory concerning the affair enters my mind, I tell her “I forgive you” and try to move my mind off the painful memory. I don’t know if this will work but I am willing to try. I know that a resentment is to re-feel pain. This means that the first time I experience pain, it is at the hand of someone else. Any subsequent feelings of pain are at my own hand. I hear that praying for the people who hurt you is a good way to get rid of a resentment. However I get there, I know that I have to let this go or it will consume me.