It’s not that the husband and wife shouldn’t grow and learn from each other and stretch outside of their comfort zone in how they help the other for the betterment of their partnership — that should be a given, as far as marriage partnership. But to try to completely re-make the other — with the emphasis being that either the male or the female’s way of approaching things is the “right” way… well, it’s like trying to turn a leg into an arm or even more-so, like a heart into a brain. They both are VITAL in keeping the body alive, but they do different things to make the body function. One isn’t more important than the other; we need both. They’re just different. And it’s important to recognize that so we can allow them to do what they’re created to do.

I could go on and on about this because I believe it’s one of the HUGE points we’re missing in how we approach each other as husband and wife — as men and women. We need to bridge our differences, embrace them and make them work for us in our marriages rather than allowing them to cause division. Thank you Trin, for sharing your perspective in this — it’s so needed. And yes, you make perfect sense! We appreciate you.

A gentleman called John Burns once spoke at our church and said his wife once told him that in a time of crisis he was the only one she’d rather be with, and it was totally not because they’re married. He said her reason was that he had the ability to focus on the main issue at hand, not get hung up on boo-hoos, oh-my-Gods!, and I-can’t-believe-its!.

By the way, one of the main reasons why the male attention span appears shorter than a woman’s is that men are “doers” not talkers. Start doing and he’s with you, keep talking and, oh boy! It’s official and proven, that women talk at least 3 times more (duration and quantity) than men. Baby daughters usually pay attention when you just talk to and look them in the face. Baby sons, after a few seconds, get bored and look around for stuff to do. More so, we talk for different reasons: men it’s to communicate information while women communicate feelings.

Wives, love your husbands by considering the fact that they’re not wired that way and such, it’s something that may take gradually. In fact, pretty soon talking itself becomes stressful for men. He needs to understand and submit to your need for conversation and verbal communication, you need to understand and also submit to his need to keep words few, and to “get to the point”. Truth is, when someone shows that they are trying by occasionally allowing others to be themselves with no ill-will, there’a a reciprocal effect.

So taking a leaf from John and Helen Burns, the understanding goes both ways. Trust me, if you tell him often enough not to offer solutions and just listen, it brings along its own frustration because he can’t function like he’s hardwired to. A sense of dis-appreciation and “whatever I have to offer is less than” begins to take root. Also, if he won’t let her care for him, insisting he’ll handle it all himself, she gets frustrated and insecure. I know women who confess that men who know their food and can cook it, or clean and organize their own space, or take care of their wardrobe, or just generally take good care of themselves, make them insecure.

I really believe that as Christians, perhaps our most fundamental point of digression, and therefore deception and frustration, is losing sight of God’s bigger image, His greater “why” (purpose) for creating a man and a woman. Each is the way we are because we play different roles, but to fulfill a common purpose: to reveal and release God’s glory and dominion over the earth. Unfortunately, we’ve made it out to be simply about us. Him & Her. Men can’t lead anymore because they’ve been intimidated out of their God given place and are caught up in trying to figure out and please the women. Women are too consumed by their own needs to be the helpers God intended.

I’m fully convinced we all desperately need to get back to the basics. While verbal communication is important it’s not the only kind. The guys who built the Tower of Babel (Gen 11) were of one language, and that was at a time when, Bible says, the language of men had few words. Ecclesiastes 7:29 tells us God’s original was simple, but we’ve complicated ourselves. I think when we attach too much importance to some things we lose sight of the greater and more fulfilling aspects of God’s design, totally missing the joys of simplicity.

Back here in Uganda, women’s rights activists tabled a domestic relations bill in our Parliament several years ago, but surprisingly (or not), a very sizable opposition to the bill came from women. One of their lines of argument was that a woman raised & living out in the village truly only demands of her husband: a roof over her head, comfortable bed, food in the house and children. Most of these women felt these were foreign values that would only complicate their lives, already stressed by poverty, insecurity and disease.

As of 2008, according to the CIA site, only 13% of Uganda’s over 32 million souls were urbanized. Female literacy was 52%, and 72% for males. That is, of the total literate population who are 15 & over. Simply, over 85% of the population was rural. My point here really, is that first of all we all need to look at each other as unique beings who are no less intelligent, special, gifted etc than ourselves — that each one has something to bring to the table that benefits both –that one’s well-being directly affects the other’s. That way, it’s easier to remain intrigued at the very least, by our differences and it also frees us up to truly love each other by releasing us to have true compassion about each other’s shortcomings.

Secondly, especially for us who profess to love and obey God, we need to stop conforming to the standards of the world, renew our minds in the Word of God and then, and only then, shall we be able to attest to His good and perfect will for us. If we’re in that place, believe me the romance is sincere, it’s beautiful. And the love! Oh what love! So pure, it’s life-giving!

I hope I’ve made sense. This is a bit of what I believe and sincerely pray and hope it edifies someone. Hopefully, I managed to offend none but bless most. The Lord richly bless all his children with peace, love, confidence, and at least a slice of heavenly pie!!