The Bible tells us in Ephesians 4 — even urges us to bear with each other “I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” There is no provision in there that says, “bear with your children because they are less mature, but not for your husband’s needs because he shouldn’t have the needs he has. Be gentle and patient with your children, but not with your husband because he ’should know better’.”

Whether you think he should have the needs he has or not, he does. I’ve seen through the years that husbands and wives have SOME needs that are similar, but other needs are different. Just because you don’t feel the same way about certain “needs” being valid, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t. You and your husband are different. In some ways God created you that way and in other ways, he was shaped by other events in his life (just as you were). But that doesn’t make your “needs” or your children’s needs, more valid than his, just because they make more sense to you.

And even if you think he is more demanding in having his needs met, than he should be, we’re told in the Bible, in Romans 15 (starting with Romans 14), that those who are strong need to be mindful and “ought to bear with the failings of the weak.” Does that mean that you are to become an enabler? No. But you are to approach things with a kind and forbearing heart and ask God how to work through the situation so you best accommodate those who need you most.

Needs are needs. You didn’t marry your children, you married your husband. Yes, he should be mindful of the children’s needs — there is such a thing as tyranny of the urgent. He who screams loudest is often the one you tend to first. But sometimes, we overlook the needs of our husbands because our children’s needs are more apparent and continual. There IS a balance there. The marriage won’t always survive such a long drought of not being tended to. You might tend to all of the needs of your children at the expense of losing your marriage. And in the long run, is that truly better for the children, or for you and your husband and for Kingdom work?

Margaret, your words are very practical and mature in how you are looking at this. But love and marriage isn’t always so cut and dry and “practical”. Sometimes you need to stop tending to every urgency a child can bring your way to take care of the marriage relationship so in the long run, your child has more of his or her needs met. You may win the “battle” of meeting your children’s needs, but lose the war because your neglected marriage dies as a result.

“Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but not everything is constructive” (1 Corinthians 10:23). Yes, it is permissible to meet every need you possibly can that your child has, but is it constructive to your marriage partnership? Sometimes, the marriage needs tending to just as a garden, so the weeds don’t take over and choke out the good that you originally planted. May God bless you in this effort!