How Much Sex Is Normal?
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So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire. It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And here in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low sex drive is such a problem, said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre, that it’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days, from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless” —young New Yorkers so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex (it could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex). But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized, that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.’”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire —including some antidepressants and some birth control pills —most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to and he may not,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage —and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation; they had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs: Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages, and with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops: the hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,’” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8″ rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
The above article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003, and was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek Mercury News. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other, as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
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Your information was helpful. My husband has a habit of not believing that issues of sex drive matter much, and that they are not something that brings much disharmony to our marriage. I wonder if he sometimes believes that our marriage is as wonderful as anyone could hope for. I know that there is no way to fully express to him how difficult the deprivation of affection is for me, since he is not experiencing it, and has no desire to feel the kind of affection I am looking for. When I want a hug, I can literally feel him pulling out of it. When I make a comment that suggests sex, he ignores me, and an awkward silence fills the room, and I feel horribly stupid. The issues has been talked about to no avail, and he has made it absolutely clear for the last 3 years that there is nothing he can or will do about it. It is my “problem”.
This in view, I must add that I think I have a high sex drive. I would love to have sex a couple times a week. We do not have a sexless marriage, but we have sex an average once every 11 days, ( 3 times a month). I am 24, he is 29, we are both healthy. I have attempted to remove stressors from our home. The house is clean, our two toddlers do not bother him while he is doing homework and I handle the majority of the discipline in the home. I make the dinners, allow him to talk freely about work with out interruption, and I do not put unnecessary strain on our finances, which are in stellar order. I complement his progress in school, work and I do not nag him. He gets as much attention, massages, and time away for guy time as he wants. I have made several deals about sex; I would do this or that, and he might be more willing to have sex or show more affection. Nothing has stuck for more than a couple days. I do not pester him for sex. I had decided at the beginning of this year to stop asking for sex, and to wait until he is ready.
The longest that I lasted was 17 days. He has only approached me for sex in the last year 3 times. My emotions on the subject have ranged from feeling like my husband is completely disappointed in his choice of wife, to being sexually unattractive, to feeling like he secretly hates me, to feeling like I am a freak of nature that is destroying my husband’s peace. I feel like this about 90% of the time. He has no idea, and he doesn’t want to hear it. We have only been married for 4 years. I am shocked at how three short years have made a difference in our sex life. The trend is that we will be have about a third as much sex by this time next year as we are now, since that is how it has worked for the other years we have been married. I am so worried that we will have a sexless marriage, and that I am doomed to feeling ugly and frustrated all the time, instead of 90% of the time, because that 10% does manage to keep me afloat. I have prayed a lot, but I don’t get an answer or any peace. Nothing changes. How do I get my husband to see my side of things without destroying his ego or our peace at home, or being completely shut down and mocked.
(USA) I feel your pain. I am 40 my wife 41 and she never asks for sex (we are both average to slightly above average in looks). I always ask and then I get one of three answers:
1. I’m tired
2. How about later
3. That’s all you ever want.
What I find frustrating is that every time I go to one of these forums it seems like it’s women claiming their husbands won’t have sex with them. I would give my left leg to be in the position that my wife would complain that I never ask her for sex. It actually hurts to think that I ended up with a wife with no sex drive. When I ask her to try to increase the frequency (we average 1 – 2 times a month) she acts like I’m some kind of pervert or that I should go to sex-aholics anonymous.
I’m at the point that I’m ready for a divorce as then I wouldn’t be made to feel guilty about my sex drive or my urge to satisfy it. My only reason for not persuing a divorce is that we have three boys and I do not want to hurt them. For now I guess I’ll just stay frustrated.
(USA) Rob, I feel for your situation. I was the wife that did not want sex often for a very long time. I would tell my husband that I needed to have more time with him outside of the bedroom before I could respond inside of it… but he never quite understood. Unfortunately my marriage ended, but I was blessed with another mate and things are quite different.
You may be doing everything right and she may just truly be uninterested… however, here are some things men should know about their wife:
1) If a woman “feels” unattractive, then she doesn’t feel sexy. Exercising together, (sex is not exercise, ha ha) is a good start… a walk… just talking together as you walk will bring you closer mentally and physically.
2) Romance is important…. nothing expensive. Cheap candles from the dollar store and lots of them… draw a bath and light them all.
3) A massage.
4) Most women will think you are just trying to have sex, but prove her wrong… do the romance, candles, massage, make dinner, draw the bath, or whatever, then kiss her gently, say I love you and go to sleep snuggling her. This is hard, but do it several times… before making the move… Remember you wooed her in the beginning… you didn’t just jump in and say lets do it. With a little stroking, she will purr again! Good luck.
(USA) Tammy, that is the most appreciated, best entry I have read. I wish someone could email my husband and tell him that if he stopped being mean, judgmental, impatient, angry, critical, and bossy-demanding during the day, our evenings could get happier! But acting like he’s my leader has really put him in poor standing with me.
Maybe he thinks that because I’m not working, and he is, I owe him sex every other day, regardless of his conduct. It’s almost like I should offer it as pre-payment for his treating me better. I have no interest in or drive for sex. I have low self-esteem, bipolar, ADHD, PTSD, and OCPD. I have been in therapy most of my life. He has turned down marriage counseling at least 12 times.
My husband acts like his giving a quick, mechanical back rub (I think lots of folks know what I mean) as a sure-fire way to get me warmed up. Like I’m a machine. After the massage I just de-personalize, because my psyche can’t handle the rest.
This man appears to be disappointed in me as his loser, mental case wife, and acts like he has to straighten me out, tell me how to dress (bleah!!!), how to act, what to do, etc. If he doesn’t, he just broods.
Obviously this is SO not about sex or libido, my needing to keep emotional distance from him has ruined HIS sex life. He told me that he must “do” sex every other day in order to maintain his 64-year-old virility. I think he needs to learn to be nice. We could be kayaking together, but the kayaks are gathering dust. I told him that sex is icing on a cake that is made up of kindness, respect, fun, harmony, interest in the other, etc.
Then I remembered that I always scrape icing off of my cake; he always eats all of his icing and then mine too. I feel asexual, aversive about sex now.
I thank him often for the tangible/material life he gives me, and he appreciates that. But my shame and anger are so alive…
(ENGLAND) I’ve been with my partner for 14 years now, and we’ve been married for 3. Our sex life has never been fantastic but since we had our two girls and tied the knot it’s got worse. On average I’ve been turned down for sex twice a week for almost our entire relationship, which I guess equates to around 1,300 times. This is because she point-blank refuses to initiate sex and gives no signal as to when she may be receptive to my advances, and would happily live out the rest of her days in celibacy, given the chance. We’re both only 39, and her brother, sister and mum are just the same. In the same 14 year period I’ve not seen any of them show any kind of affection to their partners.
Every night my wife gets undressed in the pitch dark so I can’t see her naked (and even though she ends up putting her pyjamas on inside out or the wrong way round). Then she climbs into bed, turns over and goes to sleep. No kiss, no cuddle… nothing.
Even when she does relent she doesn’t actually participate, and makes me feel like a pervert just for asking. She is the most unaffectionate female I’ve ever met, and we haven’t kissed properly for over 5 years now.
I’ve tried talking to her, romancing, offered to massage her (to which she just gave me a filthy look). I cook, clean, hoover, do DIY, look after the children, help with home-work, mow the lawn, wash, iron and put the rubbish out but nothing helps.
I can’t even talk about sex as it’s greeted with a look of complete disgust. I just feel so unloved it hurts. I’ve now decided not to pester her at all for a month, to see if it makes a difference, but I fear it will just lead to celibacy for both of us.
(USA) The “normal” sex rate for people in long term relationships and marriages is two times per week, in the USA. If you do not have intimacy or relations with your spouse for weeks at a time, that is not normal and is bordering on neglect and abuse.
(USA) Not true at all, my wife only wants it when she wants it and all else is not cool. We have sex often but it is a fight to get to that point. Then she makes sure to complain or make it very unpleasant. She throws old stuff in my face and calls me insensitive, but that is far from the truth. It’s so bad that sometimes I quit in the middle just to get away from her (her plan I’m sure). Now I’m actually considering chemical castration just to continue Lovering her.
Women can be very controlling and selfish when out comes to their bodies and no amount of romance will fix that. Trust me, I followed all the rules and did everything she asked and got the same old stuff over and over again. I hope that no one else falls for the selfishness of women. I picked the wrong one to love.
(USA) Dante sounds like my husband. We used to have a wonderful sex life but years of badgering and demanding have made my heart cold. We have sex on average 1-2 times a week and yet that is not enough. I hate that I cannot sit next to my husband without him trying to cop a feel or even have a conversation that is not sexual in nature. It leaves me exhausted and longing for the days he used to hold my hand or give me a hug and and kiss, without expectations. There is big difference between sex and making love. I would rather enjoy being made love to and to be emotionally connected again.
I can understand complaining if we were having sex once in a blue moon, like some of these poor people. But to complain about getting sex 1-2 times a week and then it’s not right or good enough leaves your partner exhausted and emotionally detached. Sex should not be a fight and to do so is counterproductive.
(USA) What happens when you do anything and everything? You make dinner, you do the massage, you draw her a bath, you get up in the morning and make her breakfast and coffee even though you worked the night before. You’re romantic and they say you’re cheesy or corny or a dork. Then if you wait on them to be in the mood it’s about two weeks. When you explain to them that not getting any makes you look the other way sometimes and sometimes looks become something else. Then they threaten to kill you (jk) but something like that. I just don’t get it. She thinks I am a sex addict but I think she started off burning but now is kinda like that firework that fell into the cold grass.
(USA) LoveMe, I do not think Dante is like your husband. My wife barely has sex with me 10 times a year. There are several nights I do a lot for her and truly do not expect any sex. It’s me most of the time just holding her, listening to her without any sexual contact. Many times I understand her cold behaviour and just say good night even after hours of foreplay without any regrets. But men also cannot act like that all the time.
Worst period was when we were newly married. Ours was an arranged Indian marriage. We knew each other for a year before marriage. It took 6 months for us to have our first sex. Why should I not think my wife is just after stability and did not love me a bit but just pretended to be attracted till we get married. Worst part I agree is to come to forum, read books and see always as man’s fault. I think showing affection should not be 100% man’s responsibility.
I have given her massages several times but she has not even asked me a single time even when my ankle was twisted. It was more important for her to eat home cooked food than calling carry out and give me an ankle rub. Worst about these women is that they do not even want to go to counseling. She just thinks I am a pervert because once I tried to kiss her down there just listening to one of these advices about foreplay. She never forgets to remind me of every single mistake as if I should read her mind and take every step. I am also staying in the marriage because of our kids but it’s very very, very difficult.
(PAKISTAN) Really very good points which will be a bit difficult for man, but lays a strong base for a lovely relationship.
(US) My wife gives me all of excuses that are on here. I’m 35 she is 36. She makes really good money with her business so I am a stay at home dad that sells insurance when I can. She grew up Baptist (judgmental). She was divorced before we met. The hundreds of turndowns for sex have made me angry to a level I can’t explain. She totally disrespects me. I’m going to get my income way up and when the kids go to college I am out of here!
(UK) USA Tammy, I wish my husband read your comment. Actually everyone husband should always treat their wife like Tammy’s comments. Then there will be no problems between couples. I’m not working but we got three kids. I’m also tired cooking, cleaning, feeding, kids school and home works but he’s thinking I’m not tired at all. I’m very upset sometimes about what can I do. I don’t want kids to be upset too. I’must hoping and praying for him to understand me. Wish me luck. Thanks.
(CANADA) Tammy, very good comments, however, the problem is that the romance and candles ARE in fact only actions to get sex. they were actions to get sex in the beginning and they will always be actions to get sex. i think alot of women on this board have figured that out. So, where does that leave us? How come we were OK with it in the beginning, but, after a couple of years, the “fire” goes out, and we start saying no?
I don’t have the answer, but, I am also working on my second marriage and my goal in life is to never let that fire burn out, since I am quite certain that that will signal the end of this one too. So, that statement means that I understand the importance of intimacy in a healthy marriage. What do I understand about it? That both of us need to work, as a team, to keep the fire lit. We are currently both committed to doing that. I don’t think there is much more than that that we can do.
Bottom line is that I think it’s crucial that women understand the importance of sex before it is too late. some do, some don’t, and some learn.
I am trying to learn.
(USA) Anne, I disagree. Tammy’s entry seems like a mysandrous attitude that so many men resent and the reason why they leave. Stop thinking about yourself and read “Your Husband’s Sexual Needs” on this site. God created you for your husband, not the other way around (Genesis 2:18, 1 Corinthians 11:3-10, Ephesians 5:22-24, 1 Peter 3:1-6, and numerous others). Women mock God when they think they’re morally superior to their husbands, somehow created more perfect than him. Begin to submit to him and then the scales of deception will fall off your eyes.
(INDIA) I am one of the unfortunate husbands who has a wife similar to many men who have participated in this forum. One can see that women who have written here are asking/expecting that their husbands should please them mentally, financially, socially, spiritually etc in order to get the favor of physical intimacy with them. OK. Do they ever think what a man (poor husband) needs/expects from his wife in married life? Does it not have any value? Is it one way, that always a man only has to do/pursue everything to keep the wife happy so that she magnanimously feels like pleasing her husband?
I will ask one question that if husband would not have been secured in life (professionally), not having a regular income, not a qualified graduate, not having a job, has a criminal record, not a caring husband when his wife is sick, not taking care of the children, etc –would they have decided to marry such a person before?
They have checked & confirmed that all the above conditions are alright so that they can be happy with marrying him. In return after marriage, they still expect the husband has to serve, plead, beg for everything so that the wife thinks of keeping him happy. That means love is one way. That is from husband, if you give then only then you may get.
Don’t you think wives who have written here, are expecting too much from their husbands as though that husband is not in need of mental, social, spiritual & physical support from his wife? Don’t both husband & wife take an oath during marriage that he/she will always do everything to keep the spouse the happy? Is this oath taken for granted / customary?
(USA) Rob, maybe you’re not doing anything wrong at all. Maybe your wife is passive aggressive. My husband “punishes me” by withholding sex and not initiating it. I realize now after 18 years of marraige. He had an emotionally abusive childhood and appears to have walked away unscathed. However, I now realize he emotionally abuses me with this. So many years of feeling rejected. I take much pride in trying to look attractive. I am considered above average in looks also- so I know that it is not me physically. I am now fed up. We need to go to counseling. This has to change or I will leave this relationship.
(USA) Nick, There is nothing wrong with you. They spin it so we are either a pervert or a man for mentioning. Observing the same behavior in the parents is bothersome. Your tough for hanging in there for 5 years without it. Most man or women I know would have started cheating by now or have left.
The question I ask you is this. If you know that regular sex, positive affirmation, intimacy helps your confidence, esteem and feeling of adequacy – even if you have a good state of mind. Why go without? How can a spouse let you suffer if you are not asking for a resource in an excess? This is not right.
The other thing which made it all make sense to me is this. When I do the act regular, I get good at it. My timing, etc are all better. I feel energized and more alert from the act. My confidence is raised to another level and the problems of daily life do not bother me as much… If I do not do the act, my sex drive can slow down, it takes time to get as proficient.
Why am I going to let my partner affect my hormonal levels by their lack of desire for me? Why am I going to let my partner drop my sex drive because of their lack of interest? Why am I going to continue to allow my partner to show a lack of interest in me and my needs? There is no validation for their lack of consideration. If the shoe was on the other foot, the story would be the same. You may try working with a counselor to see if they can get her to consider your needs.
(USA) I’ve been married almost 20 yrs. I’m 37… Me and my husband used to have a great sex life. The last 7 yrs have been like a dry spell, once a month if I’m lucky. I’ve asked him if it’s me if I can change anything. He says at first he was bored, same ole routine. Have sex after the kids go to bed. He got bored with that. I scheduled a mini weekend trip and we had a great time, That helped. But we can’t afford to go away every time I want to have sex.
I’ve been reading and asking around to other couples, and it seems it’s normal for a couple to have sex at least twice a week. I’m lucky if we do it once a month. Once a week would be satisfactory to me. It makes me feel like maybe it’s me that he’s not attracted to me anymore. I’ve gained weight. I’m 30 lbs heavier than I was when I married. But anyway, I’ve tried different things, even talking to him, telling him how I feel, how it hurts my feelings, makes me feel fat, ugly, unloved, etc. I told him he should be lucky to be married to someone with such a high sex drive! And when I reach 40 forget it! That’s when women become cougars and start dating younger guys! ha ha. I’ve never cheated on him nor will I, but still, I want more sex! I know I’m not alone here!
(USA) Nick, You have spoken all the words that I am feeling myself!!! I am a woman with the same issues you are having. I’ve been married 10 yrs. I got so tired of being the only one interested in sex that I gave up on even asking. I cook, clean, take care of the kids, even mow the yard!!! I don’t expect everyday sex or even every week. I’ve only had sex 2 times in the past year and it’s because I had to throw a huge fit to get it!
I’m not ugly… I’ve asked him all kinds of question, read books, tried different things… still NOTHING! I have resorted to fantasizing about cheating and having one night stands. Quite frankly I’m tired of pleasing myself! I feel your pain! If you ever find out a cure please post it on here for others to see. You’re not alone.
(USA) I have the same problem, Renee. My husband and I have been together for 3+ years, with a 2 year old son. We had a very short romance before pregnancy and a baby came along. The reason that even happened was we had such a high sexual passion for each other in the beginning (like 8+ times a day), and he couldn’t get enough of me. I would be the only one turning him down from time to time.
As soon as the baby came everything sort of went south. He would always put the baby between us in our bed since he was an infant even until now, when he’s over 2 years old. I of course, would get sexually frustrated when we can’t have sex for weeks at a time. And when he’s angry he would withhold sex also for months at a time. But then he had no problem gawking at women that walk down the street or flirting with co-workers. So I think it’s just me, he’s bored of.
I developed the same mentality, like I needed to be more attractive to keep him interested. I never spent so much money on clothes, or makeup, or worried about my weight even when I was single. Yet now I still feel like an ugly old lady when I’m with him, even though when I go out alone I have no problem grabbing attention from men just walking down the street. I’m only 26 and I don’t think it’s normal that my own husband should be so disinterested. Worst of all, I don’t want to leave him. But I can’t seem to do anything to make him want me more.
(USA) I hear your frustration loud and clear -everyone, but what do we do? How is the counseling going, is there such a thing as a successful divorce? Women give me the eye or make comments to me so I guess I’ve still got it. I workout regularly and keep in shape; unfortunately it does nothing for my wife… maybe it’s good looks don’t matter to her?
I’ve been married for 18 yrs now and I just find myself putting my feelings, wants aside for the sake of peace. Communicating with my wife has all but ended. The deep conversations and concerns are seen as an attack and end in tears and me apologizing for …I don’t know what. So, those conversations just don’t happen anymore… uhg! …I have 4 children from 10 -16 I’m trying to stick it out for them but I have gone from upset to frustrated and now I’m just sad over the whole thing. Is it wrong to feel like your best years are shooting by like a bullet train completely empty? I’d love to know how you all are handling your sexless marriage?
(USA) Rob, I am in the same boat, married about 14 years, both good looking mid/late 30′s 2 kids 5 and 6. She plays the I AM TIRED card most of the time (know what? I am tired too and I want sex). Sometimes we have xxx twice a week though it’s rare, it’s more like once a week and I have to jump through hoops to get it. And anal forget it… I am so frustrated with her and she is a stay at home mom, she stays up late for TV and internet like 1-2 AM and then wakes up at 7 am. Many times I go to bed at the same time in hopes for sex and I get up at 3:30 AM to go to work and I don’t come home until about 7-8 pm most of the time. If things don’t change soon as my oldest hits 18 I am filing for divorce and walking out. Plenty of better ladies out there will do what I want and need without having to be married or even living together.
(USA) I feel sorry for your poor wife ‘DJ’. Good luck to her after she sees how she’s wasting her time hanging around with you. Get over yourself and read back what you wrote and ask yourself why she sits up watching tv rather than having to go to bed with you.
(USA) DJ, How many years has this been going on? We’ve had people on this message board go through this pattern for over 10 years with their own spouses. We’re talking about spouses who treat a complete stranger than their own maritial partner. At that point, your living as room mates, and not even friendly ones at that. The question I have, is how does it break down to get to this point?
Most of us would not have gotten involved or entered the maritial convenent if we knew the relationship would turn out like this. I personally used to believe there could be reasons, but now like many of you, I’m hearing mostly excuses why someone doesn’t want to take care of their own spouse. LIke it’s an option.
(USA) My mom always talks about with her friends, how she’ll try and play games with my step dad to get him to be more perky to having sex. So why don’t you guys just play games and make sex more of something fun to do a lot instead of making your spouses feel obligated to having sex with you? And if that doesn’t work then people made sex toys for people who are either lonely or have spouses that aren’t as sex driven as y’all. I mean not every single person in this world wants to have sex every night. I mean give your wives and husbands breaks some times and then they might come running to you for sex one night.
(CANADA) I can’t believe that you are complaining about having sex “only once a week.” Many people on this site are killing themselves to have as much sex as you. Women are not just for sex. Did you ever think that maybe she is tired of your harassment so she just says she is tired? Anal is not always something women want to do. You can have many health problems from anal. Your poor wife! I hope she sees your post and leaves. What goes around comes around.
(USA) I have been married for 22 years. 17 of those have been completely sexless. Even in the five years we did engage in intimacy our total is less than 20 encounters total. My wife gave me a lecture on our wedding night when I attempted to engage in an intimate encounter that according to her our marriage was not going to be based on sex. I hate to admit that she did consent, but she was disinterested and at one point asked when it would be over. And this was on our wedding night!
Three months into our marriage we still had only been intimate the one time. I was doing everything to be the dutiful husband. Cooking dinner, helping with the everyday upkeep of our house. When she requested that we redo the decor in several rooms I was glad to oblige. My wife and I had read the book “The Five Love Languages” as part of our premarital counseling to determine our personality. I was words of affirmation while she was acts of service. I figured that by doing all the little things would lead to a healthy, intimate, relationship. Boy was I wrong.
It didn’t matter what I did, even if it made her happy, we were not going to be intimate. Anytime I tried to approach the subject of intimacy with her she acted as if I was a sexual deviant for even bringing up the subject. Before our first year had ended I informed her that I would be going to our minister and ask for guidance. She was furious with me for considering to go to our minister to discuss our marital issues, and was even more upset afterwards when our minister recommended marital counseling. I paid for 8 sessions with a marital counselor whose name had been provided by our minister. She went to the first two and never went back.
I attended all eight sessions and the counselors final verdict was to seek a divorce because my beautiful, college educated wife had issues she was refusing to deal with. Me, wanting to make it work. I should have heeded his advice. We were intimate a total of seven times our first year. Each was initiated solely by her and with as much enthusiasm as someone having to clean a toilet. We were intimate three times in year two, had two encounters in year three, and once in year four at which time she became pregnant. Years five celibate, year six we had one encounter and she became pregnant again. Year seven was celibate. Year eight we had one encounter and she got pregnant with our third. After that point we have remained celibate. She demanded I have a vasectomy after our third, which I agreed to, thinking that our sex life would pick up if there was no fear in her getting pregnant. Nope.
What is most frustrating is that we have attended numerous marriage seminars at our church, but if a speaker brings up the subject of intimacy she excuses herself and leaves the seminar. She signed us up for the “Song of Solomon” marriage seminar hosted by Tommy Nelson that was being held at our church. She actually thought that since the word song appeared in the title it was going to be about music. When she discovered it was about intimacy she sat out in the car until the first of session of a three day conference completed and never attended the other two.
I just want you all to know that I have never been unfaithful to my spouse, but our relationship today is as meaningful as your relationship with the cashier at your local grocery store. You exchange pleasantries, but nothing more.
I discovered this site and have read many of the articles regarding marriage, as well as many of the posts in the various discussions. They provide great solace for me. It has provided me an outlet that is biblical and has shown me that the relationship that my wife and I share is not a marriage in the way God intended between a husband and wife. Thankfully she requested a divorce and I am going to grant her her wish. I know that their are many loving and caring Christian women out there who understand the relationship God has intended for a married couple. God Bless all of you who are hurting.
(INDIA) Hi, count me too in the list. I’m 32, married for past 7 yrs and have a 2.5 yr old daughter. I’m finding it so difficult to bring back the charm of a married life. Mine was an arranged marriage like it happens in India. Everything was fine for the starting few months and then slowly the sex in our life depreciated into weeks, months and years. He always had low desire for sex and I used to be in high spirits for it. But every time those stupid answers kept killing the desire in me. Whenever I would ask for sex I would get replies like not today, got acidity, I don’t have protection, not feeling like it, etc.
I tried a number of things to excite him, but he told me oh you do all this because you want a tit for tat means… if you are doing something for me then I should return the same to you. It was so humiliating to hear all that. Since the moment I was pregnant until this date we haven’t had any relation except twice. Thanks to me, finally I have stopped asking for it and stopped humiliating myself and the last thing I have told him that it is becoming difficult for me to carry on like this and it’s high time we need counseling done for our relationship to become healthy, but I really doubt that this has affected him. I really don’t know how to make him understand the pain that I go through each night waiting for him to shower the love on me.
(INDIA) Denise, I am also married for 23 years now and still have wonderful sex life. In fact when we got married around 23 years ago, we used to have sex at least 2 times a day. However, it reduced later on to 5 times a week. Lately, we both found that we get exhausted and our frequency of sex reduced considerably. Then we found the solution, we both go to the gym regularly (5-6 times week) and work out for about 1 hour and our old time is almost back. Now we have sex at least 25 times a month with 2 rounds on the weekends and try different positions and some positions are really difficult but give more pleasure. I am 53 and my wife is 44.
(USA) It’s a shame reading all these replies. I’m in a dilemma and not sure how to handle it. My husband and I went through a separation and that brought many men to my attention since I was “free.” I had a surgery in June that was called Abdominal Ablation. Since September, my sex drive has risen (never really had one in my life, with kids and house payments), but since we have gotten back together, our sex-drive is running from 3-4 times a night, every other night. I use a vibrator as well for the off times. I personally can’t get enough sex and really want to know what’s wrong with me. But in the meantime, my husband is happy with shaking knees.
(USA) Wow!!! There’s nothing wrong with you! I’m like that too – that is – I absolutely cannot get enough sex. I am mid-50′s and my wonderful wife “accomodates” me beautifully so I haven’t had to go elsewhere to satisfy my appetite. I approach her every single night – and sometimes in the mornings as well. The more I do it – the more I “have” to do it! It’s a wonderfully vicious cycle that we’re both enjoying – bless her heart! We’ve been married 34 years – I still work (by choice) but she has retired (same age) – and our children are grown and married with families of their own. I have always been an avid runner – and have never had any problems in the “libido” department – but I’m a machine lately and am very pleased to say that I am feeling younger by the day
(SA) Wow! I wish I had a great libido. My Egyptian husband loves making love 2-3 times a day everyday! For me it’s too much! Phew! I wish there was a pill that could decrease his sex drive lol:-)
(JAPAN) Ha ha ha! My wife suddenly went like that. I came to this website to find out how to handle it cos she wants it every morning and night now. I can’t control her sex drive, but I can control my own to match up with hers. I think no more Porn for me. More exercise. More getting out the house.
I am sooo sorry for those of you in frustration. Try getting your partners to read this thread. Good luck guys.
(USA) I do not want to presume about your specific situation, however, I do want to offer you some hope.
Many couples become trapped in sexual frustration, with one person wanting more and the other less. Often the cycle is fueling itself. One person’s emotional needs are not being met so they are not interested in sex. The other one is feeling sexually rejected so are less interested in meeting emotional needs. And so it goes on, and on, neither is to blame per se, but both contributing.
When the one desiring more sex is male, I would encourage the gentleman to ask himself, how much time have you spent talking to your wife about non family, non household, non money and non sex issues. The kind of conversation that doesn’t try to fix or solve anything for her, just shows interest in her heart and mind.
My husband is a very hard worker, long hours at work and he still helps around the house. I rarely reject him for sex and often initiate. However, when we get “busy” and have not talked about anything but money, chores, and kids – when we do have sex I feel hollow, a piece of meet, a means to satisfy his physical needs. I know he loves me in my head, but he has not shown it to my heart. I have many friends who feel this way and they refuse their husbands because they are not interested in being “his toy.” Sadly, I expect these husbands love their wives and want to get closer to them. They are just putting the cart before the horse. Quoting Bible verses and suggesting a woman just go with it till she is in the mood only makes a lonely wife feel more hopeless and unloved. Quality conversation is often the turn-on she is missing?
(UNITED STATES) You hit the nail on the head. Half of your comment, I already agreed with, and the other half really helped. Thank you.
(USA) MKM — This is the most accurate thing I have ever read that explained exactly how I feel in my marriage! I have read your reply several times over and am amazed on how simple you made the solution sound. Just wish I could get this across to my husband without him being defensive.
(USA) Rob, I feel your pain. My wife is 40 and I am 42 she only wanted sex once a month, exactly around ovulation time. We’ve been married for 16 years. My sex drive is very demanding, I can have it every night but she wants it once a month. My wife loves to sleep and nothing will wake her up in the middle of the night so I did it while she is sleeping. I must say it’s not the same but I’d rather do it than cheating on her.
My job is very stressful, the only thing that can lower my stress is sex so I had to do it. Let’s be fair, it’s not rape because she agreed to let it happen while she is sleeping. Is it fair to me? Sex should be a mutual feeling but, I had to do it.
Rob, if I don’t… I will only have it every 30 days and I don’t want to act dishonestly in order to get what I want. I love my wife so very much. I tried everything you could think of but nothing seems to work. When I hear so many women complain how they don’t get enough sex… I wish that my wife had that kind of sex drive. But again… who knows where that would lead us. You just can’t have everything in life. A great wife in everything but not so great to have sex more often… I will take that.
(USA) I cannot believe that you have sex without consent while your wife is sleeping. That is rape. Use your hand; your wife is not a blow up doll. I am shocked and appalled that someone would have the nerve to admit to having sex with their wife while she not aware of what is going on.
(UNITED STATES) That’s why I tell my son and his friends never to get married. Once that ring is on that finger goodbye sex. And that’s a load of bull that women’s sexual peak is in their 30′s and 40′s. For women sex is just a tool to get something. My son definitely will not get married. This is why prostitutes are still around.
If my wife let me have a girl on the side, I would be happier. I have no interest in her because I have masturbated Soooooo much that I find other women and situations more erotic. I have tried so many times but she is so preoccupied with other things that I have given up. I have no desire to be around her that when she goes on trips for work I can’t wait! I have no idea what I’m going to do when the kids leave the house.
(USA) How sad I am for you — how especially sad I am for your wife and for your son, who has been taught that women are objects to used, rather than love and care for and care about. I’m also sad for your other “kids” who have not left the house yet and get to see the parade of toxic behavior lived out in front of them.
As a woman who knows what it is like to be cherished by her husband and who cherishes him as much as one can, for another human being, your short essay on what you think of women is full of more “bull” than anything imaginable. All is well for us in the marital sexual category — not my way nor his, but ours together as we continually work to grow in intimacy together, including sexually.
I know many, many women who would sacrifice their very lives for their husbands, just as those husbands would do so for their wives. It’s not about what she can get or he can get (and how they can manipulate the other to get their own needs met), but rather who they are as marital partners, reaching to help each other become all God created them to be. Do they struggle in this pursuit? Most certainly. But it’s a struggle they are waging together — which brings them into a place of being on the winning side of it all.
I’m sad for you and your wife and family that you have reduced married life to one where you see it as “I’ve got mine… so tough on you.” You say that you can’t wait until she “goes on trips for work” … I’m sure the feeling is mutual from what you describe of your love life with this woman, who you vowed to love and cherish for life. So, so sad.
(UNITED STATES) Seriously? I’m not married, yet my boyfriend never wants sex. I did want to marry him when we started going out and were having sex a lot. Turns out he lied about wanting to have sex all the time. I’ve changed my mind about marrying him. I’m not fat or ugly and I’m quite intelligent, and many men ask me out. As soon as I can afford it, I’m out of here. I can’t live the rest of my life like this. I’m miserable. So, don’t blame marriage. I love sex and I highly doubt that getting married would make me stop having sex.
You, Joe have a problem. Did your mother not love you, or what? You need counseling and stop poisoning your sons.
(USA) Rob I feel your pain as well. Maybe the guy being the one with a low sex drive is a California valley thing. I would happily trade issues and be could not imagine the joy I would have with a woman who wanted it more than me. Although It would be tough to find lol.
(USA) I am one of those women. I want sex 4-5 times a week my husband only wants it 1-2 times and he never accepts my advances …porn addict.
(USA) I know how you feel about only staying in a marriage because of kids. I am 21 and I have a one year old son. I have been past the point of wanting a divorce for 2 years but just this past year it started to show.
Now me and my husband have sex a little more the 1-2 times a months but it is still not enough. Like you, I get the same 3 answers when I ask most the time. But the minute he wants it I give it to him, no matter what. I mean I could be sick as a dog and still have sex with him, if he wanted it. That is another thing –that is all it is. Is sex, I want it like it (it used to be love making), real passion, not just sex?
(USA) I understand, you are not alone.
(SINGAPORE) Hi, I am married 9 years. After experimenting for some time when we have sex we do not have intercourse but mostly we masturbate each other with our hands. Though the doctor said that there is nothing wrong after many tests, my wife initially used to say that intercourse is painful and later she said that it’s just that she does not enjoy it. We tried intercourse on and off, but the last time we had intercourse was more that 2 year back when we wanted to have a baby. We have sex about twice a month without intercourse. But I feel like something is drastically wrong… In the past 9 years we have been to a few counsellors too for this and many other relationship issues.
What does the Bible say about sex without intercourse? Preeth
(USA) @Preeth – I know this probably won’t be read by you, but maybe it will help others. My wife sounded like your wife. Intercourse was painful always, and it was very frustrating. She was very tight before marriage (possibly due to some type of abuse to which she still isn’t aware) and was never even able to have an annual exam. Dr. could never get in to examine anything or she would clamp up.
Anyhow long story short, after a couple years of this (including 1 child via C-section) the problem was the same. We talk about it a lot. There was just no desire on her part, but she did agree to go get checkout out physically. We were given a series of stretching exercises, which the husband can do on his wife, which will stretch several of the PC muscles etc. We did this for a while, and it seemed to help a little. It wasn’t however until child #2 came along where she did as a vaginal delivery that she was able to have intercouse without pain.
There is a lot of sexual memory, which goes along with this, and when your brain thinks of pain, it doesn’t want pain, and therefore doesn’t want sexual intercourse.
My suggestion for any woman would be to get a full pelvic exam. Sex is not meant to be painful, it is meant to be pleasureful – that was hard for her to comprehend how sex could be desired… when all she knew was pain. Cheers.
(USA) You ever consider a second hobby to take your mind off of it like biking or the gym? I too have a similar relation and I am in love with my wife. So food for thought –try to be open. If this does not work tell her you need to talk.
(UNITED STATES) Rob, I feel your pain, brother! I’m in one of those ruts (9-1/2 days w/o, as of 4:00 pm on Sunday afternoon)…and I usually have to wait for my wife to initiate…because the few times I try to initiate it, like you, I get called a pervert, or worse.
(USA) I feel bad for you Rob. Withholding sex is very frustrating. If it was up to me I would do it a few times a day every day, but my husband says that we have a great sex life with 1-2 times a week. I get guilt tripped most of the time when he comes out with, “is this the most important part of a relationship?” Hang in there.
(PAKISTAN) I would give both of my legs. You portray our male feelings and we are begging all the time and get blackmailed always. Is there a solution?
(NIGERIA) I understand what you are passing through. It took me a whole year to get my wife interested in sex. The only difference is that my wife knows that I like having sex at least twice a week. She does not deny me but she does not enjoy it either. I later discovered that the problem is all about her thinking. I began to talk to her, encourage her and wait for her till she reached orgasm. It got to a point she was demanding and I was not able to satisfy her because of stress. But now, everything is alright.
You need to pray for your wife that God will help her to enjoy what God created for her enjoyment. Don’t be surprised if she tells you sex isn’t for enjoyment -it is for procreation. Pray for her. Buy books on how to enjoy sex in marriage and let her read them. Then you can discuss together. Don’t let anybody tell you that you have problem because of premarital sex. My wife and I never had sex before our marriage. I don’t know where she got the idea that “sex is food for men and not for women”.
(USA) Hello, I am sorry to say that I can truely relate to your situation, however, your getting it 3 times in a month is a lot more than I get. My husband and I have been married for 14 years next month and it has been this way since pretty much the beginning. I know that a lot of others may not believe that he is not cheating but I don’t think so, I know he’s not and I think you can relate. I have heard all kinds of things like his Catholic background may have something to do with it to he just likes cuddling. I feel unattractive and unwanted all the time. All he wants to talk about are the kids. Our kids are 19, 17, 16, 12 and 9. We hardly have little ones anymore but he claims that when they all are out of the house, he will just smother me with love and attention and affection.
I am afraid I won’t want that then. I don’t think our marriage has to be put on the back burner through the raising of the kids. It’s just an excuse. He actually bought me a toy that he likes to use on me claiming that I wanted to do something different and more fun in the bedroom. I hated it @ first. I felt like he got me that (which he was very excited about and even got highly educated by the lady in the store) because he didn’t want to share himself with me. He is pleasured he says when watching me be pleasured. I feel like he isn’t getting anything out of it and he doesn’t even get an erection.
There is a major problem with that. He had a vasectomy after the last child but this was going on before than. I know the fear of me getting pregnant again isn’t the issue because I am also on birth control (for not wanting a period) not fear of pregnancy. It seems that I figured it out. I have been a mom since 15 and I had the three oldest already when we met but I think he fell in love with the fact of being a father more than being a husband. Another problem is that he just trusts me so much that he really doesn’t bug me too much on where I am or who I’m with. It’s like he doesn’t care. The only affection that I do get from him (which seems programmed to me or routine but to him he loves doing it) is giving me a kiss before he loves or when he goes.
I am tired of the little pecks. I don’t really want him to call me baby anymore, I want to be called my name and I don’t even want those kisses. I’d much rather have a hug because it is a more extension of oneself and it’s different now so freakin mundane. You might say if you knew us that Wow I wish I was her, married to a good man after being married to an emotional and mental abuser that was hooked on drugs. I have traveled the world being that he is in the military but I feel that I have just been along for the ride. I’m like a fly on the wall. Woe lucky me! I am only 35 years old.
With this second marriage now for 14 years and the first marriage was a lot of sexual abuse, don’t I deserve to be loved, adored, shown affection, and sexually fulfilled? I don’t want to go outside the marriage which has happened before with a lesbian that I didn’t know was one. We were like sisters in Christ. My husband questioned if she was that way. I didn’t see it at first so I asked her. She said no and I told him that and he didn’t question it anymore. I told him eventually something didn’t feel right between she and I as we began getting closer an closer and he said naw don’t worry its ok and he assured me it was ok and I still hung out with her.
The more I wanted and longed to be with him, the more he pushed me away with the kids and work before me. I waited and longed for him to come rescue me but he never ever did. We ended up getting deeper and deeper as friends and she began giving me what I needed emotionally and eventually everything else. Every need that I shared with her every feeling or story I told her, she took it and played me. I was so in love with her and I still think about her more often than I should. For one, she had kids that were like my own flesh and blood and she was auntie to my kids. My husband saw our unhealthy bickering back and forth like she and I were a couple and never said anything. He even mentioned that there were times he saw her looking at me in a wrong way but he never said, “Why are you looking at my wife like that?’ Never said nothing. Eventually it did become sexual and it was great. I am not proud about that but she answered all of my needs at the time. She was hire than he was to me then, I felt really bad because he is such a great guy.
I got tired of her manipulation and control over me especially the guilt and shame she’d make me feel because we were Christians. I got fed up ran home crying out to the Lord in repentance of my sins and confessed immediately to my husband about the affair and he thought it was with one of the brothers from the church. He acted clueless. Needless to say, he forgave me but nothing has changed still as far as our intimacy and I thought we need to learn lessons in life or they bare repeating. I vowed to God that I would never cheat on him again and I won’t. But that doesn’t mean that doors or completely shut that shouldnt be opened.
I feel like crap when I use the toy. I just use it on myself and he doesn’t really care but I feel like I’m cheating with his permission so it’s ok. I hate it though. I want sex. I need to be sexually fulfilled by a man, not any man, my man but he won’t do anything because he thinks everything is just great and that I HAVE the problems and issues and need to deal with them. He doesn’t want counseling or won’t seek help why he doesn’t really get a real erection or whenever we do have sex which is really rare, he doesn’t stay erected long or makes excuses why he either can’t get up or went down so fast. When he is in, I can tell when he is no longer up and he pretends that he is still going so I fake it too cause I don’t want him to feel bad. He just doesn’t see a problem or won’t get checked out.
I’m suffering and I just don’t want to ask or pry anymore. I cry and cry and cry so much to myself or my sister and I’m tired. Everytime I do talk to him about it eventually he just says he is sorry that I’m not happy and that it’s not fair for me to be with someone who makes me so unhappy. We talk about splitting up then we eventually get over it until the next go round instead of facing and dealing with the issues. If I was financially able, I would leave because he’s not willing to work on the issue. I often make excuses about sleeping in the bed. I feel sick on my side of the bed, literally, and sad so I go to the couch. He just takes my excuses for what they are and sleeps peacefully without me next to him. Sorry so long. I could go on and on but I will end here. Thank you for reading and if anyone can help, please try, thanks.
(NAMIBIA) Listening to you made me think about my own cousin, who’s in a similar situation as yours, about the husband who had a vasectomy. It is also very difficult for her too in this instance and I can tell you from a councelling perspective, that it is not just for you that it’s difficult. Normally men are the hunters and women are the receivers.
Imagine yourself, as a man how he feels about this issue, it’s not as if he is passive about this. It hurts him too, for not satisfying you. A man’s manhood is shown in his sexuality. It’s very hard for him not to stay up inside of you everytime. My dear, all this is the result of that vasectomy. Why do you think he told you to buy a toy, definitely not for the fun of it, but because he feels inadequate as a man and for the fact that he cannot satisfy you.
Believe me, he does not think less of you. He probably loves you more than you’ll ever know. All I can suggest to you, is to take this issue one more time to God. There is nothing that He cannot fix. Abraham was past his age and believed God’s promises, and eventually there was Isaac. Hannah got Samuel when she was also very high in age, what about you. God will never give you what you don’t deserve. He loves you so much.
He has already forgiven you for the mistake you made. It’s about time that you forgive yourself. Sow a seed in your marriage, and what you want from your marriage, write your request together with your seed on an envelope and water that seed in prayer everyday. The fervent effectual prayer of a righteous man avails much. Even if it takes for you to fast 3 days or more, do it. One other thing the Word says, seek first the Kingdom of God and all else will be given unto you. Therefore do that as well. Seek God’s face everyday and be happy in Him who created you including everything else in this world.
I want you to look at yourself and see God’s light in both you and your husband; For God has given us the spirit of love, of power and of a sound mind. Speak forth the Word into your circumstances, send forth the Word, decree and declare what you want, my dear. Learn how to speak and be positive in God. Jesus said ANYTHING you ask in my name will be given unto you. Believe that you have received it and you’ll receive it. Ask not in fear or hesitation, but in confidence, in faith. Come boldly to the throne room of grace. I believe that everything will work out for your good, and not just for your good but for everybody who reads this message that trusts in God whole-heartedly. Be blessed.
(UNITED STATES) Your words pierce me to the core of my heart’s desire. I’ve been praying for 14 years since reunited with my husband after a short-term separation, for a marriage that is fulfilling for us both. I desire intimacy so much, not just physical sex. I’ve cried buckets of tears and wonder if I have to stay in such a marriage with a man who says he loves me “once in a while” and never kisses me and yet thinks having sex once every two weeks (if that much) is ok?
Our communication is something terrible and therefore we don’t talk. I’ve suggested counseling but he refuses. I’ve now decided to look for counseling on my own in search for answers and possibly a divorce down the road. I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed and wonder today if God just doesn’t want to help me in this area of my life. I used to believe the scriptures about praying about “anything” but for some reason my marriage and “intimacy” is an area above and beyond His reach.
I know this sounds silly, but I can’t emphasize enough of the pain that I feel when reading of others experiencing the “loneliness” or the lack of “oneness” with their spouse for I totally understand. I’ve been married for 25 years and this has been such an issue with me. He is a decent, hard-working man that is stubborn and clueless to my needs. (For years, I thought I was selfish for asking and didn’t know that my “needs” for affections, hugs, respect, …etc. were valid.) I do think he has issues that he does not or will not recognize therefore does not see the affects it has on us and our marriage. I’m so ready to throw in the towel. Maybe, just maybe, is there a miracle out there?
(AUSTRALIA) Huh, I thought this only happened to me. I am married to a beautiful lady (over 20 yrs), who doesn’t do sexy anymore. Everything else is more important. She doesn’t have time to make love. I have given up hoping for it – just leaves to frustration on my part. Over the past 10 or 15 years she has gradually reduced what I’m allowed to say. I’m no longer permitted to touch certain parts – oral sex is basically a one way street (and it ain’t going my way!) etc etc etc. I’ve given up trying, the sex is down to a quickie once a week, maybe, most of the time (if I’m lucky). Everything in our life has become what she wants, where she wants, how she wants. If I say anything I’m picking a fight.
I reckon we’ll be down to nil sex in another year or two – she actually used to tell me she can live without sex (that and no are her favourite words). There’s an old joke – men are like tiles, lay them right once and you can walk all over them. That pretty well covers us.
(USA) Chris, This sounds familiar. I believe the pattern your wife is showing indicates that over time she is becoming more “self centered”. It’s obvious she’s compartamentalizing you and her involvement with you, and it’s not erroring on the side of more sex or intimacy. It’s funny how she wants to also limit your communication.
I’m going to describe my situation and the trend in it and I will think you find it similar.
1. When things where good: Wife used to listen to me talk, and actively communicate, even if it was a subject that she had no experience in. Today: Wife does not like to communicate to me. She will moderate or limit what I’m allowed to say, easy and quick to anger.
2. When things were good: wife used a tone of voice and body language that would draw me in, one that was attractive. It was lovely. Today: Wife uses an obscene tone of voice, also body language is aggressive and predatory. She is very short in conversations.
3. When things where good: wife would like to watch me do activities, or spend time with me. For example, we felt pretty good watching a TV program together, and there was no rush of time. Another, is I could be working on my car or something, the wife would admire me or come and see what I am doing. Today: We don’t do anything together anymore. If I am in her physical presence she gets angry. If the activity is something she is not familar with, she will not spend time with me.
4. When things here good: Wife would go out of her way for me. Helped me a lot. For example on the way home from work I could say “honey, when you pass by the store can you please get me item XXX?” Today: I dare not ask any such question. Wife will not divert her path for me. It’s obvious she does not want to spend time on me. All of her plans do not involve me or consider whether they are setting me back.
5. When things where good: We made love (ML) almost every day. If I went to bed before her, she would initiate. There was no rush in time, and the sky was the limit with respect to variety or location. Today: Sex rate dropped to 2 times a month in 2008, and I did it 5 times in 2009 to today.
6. When things where good: wife was all over me, in front of anyone. She would rub my shoulders, liked laying in the bed with me, sitting on my lap. Today: She moved me to a separate bed room and put the kids in the bed with her. Then she moved me out to a hotel. She does not like to be close to me, actively running.
7. When things where good: wife loved cooking for me, helping me out, iron clothes, many many acts of service which were obviously reciprocated. We LOVED each other. Today: Wife will cook for her and the kids, and not prepare anything for me.
8. When things were good: My wife and I shared the “center”. So it was focused on the relationship. IF I did well or got promoted, she carried a lot of pride in it, living through each other. Today: Wife tends to go against me in a negative competitive manner.
9. When things were good: My wife gave me respect and also “social protection”. So she wouldn’t go airing my dirty laundry, or embarrass me in front of large groups. She would also respect my affairs, and any plans of hers would account for whether they would affect me. Today: Wife does not show me respect and will embarrass me in a heartbeat in front of a crowd of people. Her plans do not take into account any of my logistic, and many of them will even set me back in various ways and she does not care that it does so.
All of my stuff really got blown out starting in 2007 when she cheated on me. During her affair she stopped having sex with me, and pretty much shut off or reduced many behaviors and acts of service. During and after her affair, she initially had a guilt, but reversed it into anger at me to preserve her ego. I couldn’t do anything right over this time period. Much of what was lost was never recovered, and any thing that was slightly recovered was lost again as we do not live together.
What your wife is doing is a bad trend. You know as well as I, that if you take care of the relationship, that you can have that intense desire and love forever. It is likely that your wife has cheated on you, and it would be a logical reason for why many of the acts were removed or reduced.
I wish you luck, and I think you should start a list of “delliverables” and determine what has changed for the worse. See if you can start working on one item and reverse it.
Also, it may be that your wife has reduced her desire for you due to a physical thing. Weight gain, or maybe you don’t have a lot of life energy in you. Make yourself attractive to almost anyone who would be interested in you, do it for yourself – and your wife may just bite.
(USA) The affair got it’s own paragraph, so I don’t see how it could be missed,
“All of my stuff really got blown out starting in 2007 when she cheated on me. During her affair she stopped having sex with me, and pretty much shut off or reduced many behaviors and acts of service. During and after her affair, she initially had a guilt, but reversed it into anger at me to preserve her ego. I couldn’t do anything right over this time period. Much of what was lost was never recovered, and any thing that was slightly recovered was lost again as we do not live together.”
I’m thinking that is or was the biggest rock in the jar.
(AUSTRALIA) Tony, I was in fact responding to Chris, not DaddyL.
(AUSTRALIA) Maybe it would help to start by asking your wife what she wants or what is bothering her. Don’t make assumptions; don’t tell her your complaints. Ask her if something you do is bothering her. Ask her what she needs. Then listen to what she is really saying. If you get defensive, it won’t work. Just listen and keep asking for feedback. Women will respond when their needs are met. If yours doesn’t, it’s time to get professional support.
(USA) Maybe SHE needs to check with him. After all, she’s the one who had the affair, etc.
Al, normally your advice would be spot on. However, his wife has acted in an abusive fashion by having an affair. I suggest that if this is still on-going, that he treat her like the abuser she’s demonstrated she is and separate until she is a safe spouse.
(AUSTRALIA) Oh, Christ didn’t mention anything about an affair. I must have missed it.
(USA) Al, Women have needs as men have needs. What if some long term behavior patterns in our wife have changed? It could have changed just due to her growing up, new experiences, or a new crowd that she is listening too. If it changes for the worst, there will be problems.
I guess what I’m getting at in short, is when one is unhappy or both are unhappy, perhaps both need to listen to each other.
In my case, it would be me listening to a wife who simply does not give as much of her self anymore, and is looking for quick returns back to her. Plus, she has it in her mind that she will not “answer to me.” I know I’m not the only one. These behaviors and viewpoints took years to solidify, over the time that her direction was changing, there was much argumentation – for the obvious reason. We don’t “fit together”, like we used to.
She is focused on the change in me, where much of it is that she makes being around her more unbearable. She does not want me to be comfortable around her or to feel secure, she said this in her own words.
Many times we have to look at the recent picture, say the last 3 years. “Is this person someone I trust and I want to be with?” Sometimes they have de-volved into a person that you can’t do this with. We may account for the MLC and give them time to come out of it, but there are no guarantees.
(AUSTRALIA) If you already know what the problem is, you obviously don’t need to ask. I was more directing the answer to Chris, who seemed to be clueless about why his wife was distant and unresponsive toward him.
(CANADA) J. I feel the same way. Before marriage, our sex life was great. We lived separately while dating and sex was served each time we met. But after tying the knot, sex is basically once every 10 days and only when I give a massage to her and it had to be a quicki. My wife acts like a piece of log during this time too. Marriage has been so far, less than two years and I feel depressed. We do cuddle and say “I love you” many times. Once in a while she’ll be teasing me and talk flirtive, but it ends up just a foreplay on words and no action. I’ve tried initiating many times but it ends up nil.
We are not even 30 yet and it feels like we turned ninety. Why tease me and yet no action? When there is action, it’s usually me doing a log. I’m so sex depressed. I do romantic stuff and cook dinner, and do the cleaning so that we have the whole night stress free. There is now no oral or foreplay prior to a quickie. Do we need therapy? I told wife when I needed sex, and she usually says it’s too late or she’s not in the mood. I just don’t know.
(USA) I know these posts are old, but in reading them, it’s so reflective of my married life. I, with you, am experiencing a wife that “maybe” allows “courtesy sex”, but it’s to the point now where she’s my roommate-living with me, sharing the costs.
I recently had a cancer scare, and she acted like I never told her ANYTHING. To me, I was “on my own”, no words of interest, no words of encourgement -but the most painful-no hug! If she would’ve just put her arms around me, acknowledging we’re “in this to win this”, I would’ve LOVED HER MORE THAN I DO! As of now, she’s an income ’cause we’re ROOMMATES!
(USA) Though this forum is old, I can relate to you, except I am the woman. My husband sends me hot text messages during the day promising great sex, only after I get ready for bed, I come out of the bathroom to find him sleeping already! I get so frustrated, I end up masterbating in the bathroom while he sleeps.
My sex drive is high right now. I am 40 and my husband is the same. I am a good looking woman who is physically fit… I’m starting to feel like he is telling me he wants it because he thinks that is what I want to hear. But I want action to go along with the talk!
(USA) Actually, I have that situation with my husband, but I’m in your position. My husband is very attractive (model/actor), but I’m not unattractive. I’m 5’6″ and 115 lb. and no guy can say he doesn’t look at me twice walking down the street. But I can’t compete with porn or random average girls he sees on a daily basis apparently. We haven’t even had a long relationship, and I’m in my mid 20s he’ just 30. I’m always up for sex, twice a day or more, if possible. But it’s always on his terms. He works very long hours 11 am to 11 pm. That + the commute puts us at around 2 hours of face time per weekday.
I work just as long hours and have a longer commute, but I never turn him down for sex. He would never perform oral sex on me (and according to him on any woman), even if I do for him. And it’s extremely embarrassing (especially for a woman) when even trying to do that or trying something cute/flirty to initiate him into having sex with me receives rejection or even anger from him. And usually it’s things like “why are you touching me?? I’m not even done eating dinner yet.” Who says stuff like that??
To add to my own humiliation, I never reject him when he initiates because it has become so rare. When we do have sex, it feels like another way for him to masturbate. Far from the days when we use to make love. He doesn’t look at me or puts us in a position where I’m turned around and he just watches TV while doing it till he’s done. And that’s it. It does end up being quickies around the house, in bathrooms/kitchens/hallways. I guess for him it’s a way to add excitement, but for me it’s just annoying because it’s uncomfortable and feels like a waste of the rare chance we get to do it but I still do it to make him happy. It’s not women who are selfish. Some people are just selfish in a relationship where they know their spouse is always ready to offer them everything even if they get disrespected.
(USA) I’ve read some of these replies and wished I knew what to say to most of you in your situations. I’m 52 and have been married to my wife who is 42 for going on 24 years now. My frustration has been from the very beginning… looking back I realize that the lack of intimacy has been directly at our honeymoon up until this current moment. Bear with me on this, I’m not trying to sound like Wilt Chamberlin but I’m pretty sure that over the course of our married life, we haven’t engaged in sex more than 50-75 times. I’m not even sure when the last time we did, it’s been years and no, I’m not physically unattractive nor am I disabled.
I have asked her more times than I can remember over the course of this marriage, “whats wrong”? She mostly just looks at me and says, “I don’t know”, or “I’m just tired”, or refuses to address the situation thinking that if she ignores the question it’ll just go away, which it has due to my thinking that maybe I’m making more out of it than was necessary only to become frustarted as time went by. I wanted to talk to somebody about it but again thought that perhaps it’s just me or that the subject matter was embarrassing to discuss.
When we did have intimacy, if you want to call it that, it was ONLY because I always had to initiate it and “if” I was successful, she would “allow” it but it was so mechanical and without any feeling from her. With that type of activity, it wasn’t long for me to become defeated in my emotions thinking that maybe it is me. I tried everything I could think of, different times of the day, dates, romance, etc… nothing seemed to get through and as I made my “advances” only to be stopped in my tracks, I decided to stop doing any trying since my “manhood” was being destroyed during each advance.
We have 2 kids (daughter 21 & son 19) but they were purely concieved from her scheduling a particular time(s) of the month when she decided that we should have kids, which I also wanted, but her sexual physical-ness was so robotic and unfeeling that it made me so mad and I voiced that to her only to watch her act like “what do you want from me” attitude.
As the years went by after the kids came along, she would tell me that raising the kids caused her to be tired at the end of the day and she started to stay up later at night, watching TV and coming to bed around 12:00pm or later since she would tape shows on varipous channels and chose to watch them. I on the other hand was an early riser since I had to be at work around 6:00am. I love the mornings and truthfully can’t stand to watch much TV. Some nights I would plan to stay awake until she came to bed to try to initiate any sexual advances, again only to be shot down.
This story is coming to an end, I have recently voice my displeasure repeatedly concerning our sexless marriage, but I wanted to wait until my son went back to college from the past Christmas holidays… when I found the date to “drop the bomb”, so to speak, my wife’s mother was diagnoised with cancer so I chose to hold off. After things kind’a “normalized” I cornered her and laid out my frustrations and said that either with her or without her I planned to moved down a different road and wasn’t staying in the current course of sexless marriage stuff that has been going on over the past 23+ years.
I just want to point out that I didn’t plan on this but in the course of being frustarted about no sex in my marriage, I met somebody who was going through some of the same issues and as I said, nobody planned this but we both have found each other attracted to one another very much. I didn’t tell my wife about this.
We (my wife &I) are seeing a pastor at our church concerning our issues but she has mostly been reluctant to discuss “why” she has been withholding intimacy from me all these years. She just blurted out that she “failed me in our marriage” and didn’t define that with any other words. This has been her MO for almost all our marriage… non-communicative and very passive. She hates confrontation. I hate confrontation but when it comes to something like this, I will attempt to grab the bull by the horns and find out what is the problem.
We are still in counseling and I haven’t shown her any affection except by kissing her goodnight (my pastor wanted me to do this because he thinks this will “jump start” a renewed level of love), I love aspects of her within our marriage but I am NOT attracted to her what so ever and have no real desire to attempt to initiate sex. Everybody that we have talked to is telling me that divorce is not an option.
When I think about my happiness and how it could involve divorce, the thought of hurting my kids just kills me and that’s the thing that stops me in my tracks. I hate the thought that I may never feel real love either emoptionally or physically in this relationship and I do have strong feelings for the other person that I met by accident. I want happiness but am being torn by the possibility of hurting “somebody”. Do I follow my head or follow my heart and if I leave, will my kids understand what happened as they don’t know anything of this as of yet?
I’m just looking for feedback but not necessarily anybody to give me concrete answers. I’m praying for strength from God but I don’t want to have Him upset with my actions either. What am I to do?
(USA) Follow your heart brother. Your kids will understand. You want and need to live a happy and productive life. Don’t let anyone else hold you down. Be a man.
(CANADA) Your situation is very hard, I’m in a simular situation with our youngest child almost 3, yet I know if our son was older we would not still be together. The rejection and temptation is suffocating. I’m 31 and in great shape with a very high sex drive and he’s 33 with no sex drive. I’m depressed, lonely and starting to look at myself in a way I can’t stand. I feel like were roomates raising a baby together.
To stay on your issue though, I strongly believe it’s your time to be happy. Live life to the fullest while you have, your kids are not kids anymore and though it will hurt at first they will forgive you and understand. Everyone needs to feel love and you have found it again, it’s a gift you should hold on to not be scared of. You gave the best years of your life to your wife and in return got emptiness. It’s time to move on.
(CANADA) Your story resonates with me. My wife and I have been married for 11 years and we have sex maybe five or six times a year (honestly I can’t tell you because it’s so infrequent that I can’t even remember the last time we were intimate). She has admitted that she uses sex as a form of control, and for me it is an important measure of love.
I see your situation as the eventual outcome of our marriage. However, I will likely stay because we have a seven year old son and to be honest, I do love her. But my self esteem suffers more and more as years go by. I masterbate often for sexual gratification, which satisfies the urge, but it isn’t a replacement for a partner that actually desires me. I’m confused, but I know that I don’t want to be in your situation in ten years, even though I probably will.
(CANADA) I can relate so much. I have been with my wife 8 years and we have young 2 children. We are both 38 years old. I don’t have a particularly high sex drive, I would be content to have sex once or twice a month. My wife however, doesnt desire it at all. Every time I initiate sex I get rejected. If I am lucky we can have sex once every 3 or 4 months. She will never initiate it. I am so tired of rejection, I wait and wait for her to come around until I cannot wait any longer. We have a huge fight and she sees how hurt I am by her neglect and we have sex. The process then repeats.
I work very hard. I am highly educated but due to the current economy I am working 3 jobs to make ends meet. I work 7 days a week up to 17 hours a day and I just want a little affection from my wife every now and then. My wife is a stay at home mom which adds a little to the resentment. She won’t work; she refuses. I rarely see my kids but I have no choice but to continue working long minimum wage hours.
She is depressed as a stay at home mom but feels taking a minimum wage job is beneath her. I feel that maybe she is punishing me for not having a good job and not giving her the life she feels she deserves. She says sex hurts too much, even when I simply touch her breasts she says it hurts too much.
We are very close to divorce. I don’t know how much more I can take. I am currently up for a very well paying job, it will keep me away from home for weeks at a time but it will satisfy her desire for money. I do wonder if my new job will increase the frequency we have sex or will I be just working myself to an early death in a sexless marriage. I cannot continue in a relationship without affection, I just want to kiss my wife, but she doesn’t want to kiss me. We are an attractive couple, both in good shape. I take care of myself, why doesnt she want me?
(USA) My friend, I know the reason you no longer feel like working on the marriage is you are frustrated and tired and fed up and your new “friend” seems like the answer to your problems. Having been down your road, I will tell you that I did divorce and did remarry only to find that my Mr. Wonderful has NO sex drive. It is hard to work on a marriage when you long for someone else.
My heartfelt advice to you is to pray hard, give your marriage a good college try while in counseling, about six months, and see if it doesn’t improve. Then if it doesn’t and she shows no sign of wanting to change, then you will know you did your best to work on the marriage and whatever you do, you won’t be feeling guilty.
I was so unhappy I fled my marriage, but I flew from the frying pan into the fire, sexually speaking. My ex husband had lots of problems, and our sex life took a hit from residual anger, but being married to a person who let you think they were hot for your body but wanted to wait until you were married and then you get married and guess what, they’re ice cold is like a Twilight Zone nightmare.
(USA) That’s not a marriage, it’s a roomate. You think I want sex at 5 am, no. But my husband does so I give it to him. It’s what holds people together. I give it up all the time… why? Because it makes him less stressed and guess what? I am one spoiled lady and when I meet women complaining about their husband and how he won’t do anything for him, I say be aggressive, be in charge and tell him what you want and how you want it. My marriage is over flowing with sex because I can’t keep my hands to myself.
Lift your skirts lady it feels great once you get started and stop making excuses before you lose your man, it’s not about a clean house, believe me.
(INDIA) Hey how have u been now? Did yourhusband ever understand?
(UNITED STATES) I am 39 as is my wife. We almost divorced recently because I had a 3 yr affair. My wife has never in 14 yrs approached me for sex. I started to feel like it was me, maybe I was a lousy lover. So I contacted an old flame and we hit it off like gangbusters. Soon after we had sex and she said I was not the issue. I feel three times a week is not too much to ask. I always make her feel like a lady and she is more than satisfied when she finally gives in. I just don’t think I should have to argue and fight for affection.
I came back to her as I do not want to lose my family. I just don’t know if I am strong enough to live in a sexless marriage. I am so distraught. She says all I want is to get laid every night. I don’t view it like that. As I say, three times a week would suffice. I just don’t know what to do. Am I to go find lust somewhere else? I’m so lost and frustrated.
(USA) Scott~ Looking OUTside of your marriage is going to destroy your family. Period. This is really, really selfish, and I’m not saying it because I am a woman. I am the one in my marriage who does not get enough in regards to sex… There is OBVIOUSLY an issue here going on with your marriage and it is manifesting in your sex life. You need to look at your own behavior, on a daily basis.
You need to really get interested in your wife, and in WHY she is not interested. Guaranteed she gets all tingly when she looks at some hottie on tv or some hottie flirts with her, JUST like you do. That’s not to make you jealous, but to rise above it and to be aware that you are not doing your job as a husband and leader, and you need to be the one to make it happen for her. Maybe she is not doing her job as wife… I don’t know. But YOU are the one in charge.
Jesus led by example, in Love. So please, if you truly want change, then that is what you must do. Maybe she is dealing with depression. Maybe she feels like she does not please you. Find out. And then find out how to convince her that you love her. ~C.
(USA) That was a horrible thing to say. He’s not selfish to cheat on a wife that won’t have sex with him. She’s the selfish one. He just made a bad decision and broke the rules. So maybe his wife should have sex with him. And when you bring Jesus into it, you just sound stupid.
(USA) Oh yes Cheyenne, women are fabulous at playing the victim. She was not fulfilling his needs.. full stop. The shaming language about “not doing his job” is logically unsound (really, have you been to his house?)
(USA) Scott, I feel for you. I have struggled for 7 years, after my son was born. I have a sex drive like a teenager and my wife, well, lets say 1-2 times a month is more than enough. The quality? I can write the script every time, never wavering. I am at a loss of what to do, the fights, the coldness, looks of disgust and made to feel like I have asked for too much. It’s difficult. But never stray if you want that family and keep asking the questions. One day you may find the answer and you will have your family and God to thank.
(US) J Michael – Although I do not agree at all with what Scott has done, your comment was a perfectly kind and helpful comment for Scott. As for Brian – you know, I actually can not even put into words how horrible that “advice” is. How dare you say she is the selfish one. Maybe she was, a little, BEFORE his affair. However, once he broke his vows, there is no comparison.
(CANADA) How do you dress around other male eyes? Do other men hit on you? Are you austere towards other males or not? Such stresses kill a lover’s heart and thus deprive him of all sexual peace needed to nonhypocritically connect physically.
(INDIA) You are totaly right because sex is very important in life. Your husband is also interested, but he is worried about the future. That’s why he has always refused to have sex. You’ll have to help him by showing something sexy in you, which he recognizes, and then he’ll definitely come closer to you.
You should also try to remove his fear about the future and also try to help him because he’s worried about the future ruining your present. Please let me know if this works or not, and maybe we can think of something else.
(UK) Your husband is crazy not to be with you as often as you are reasonably expecting him to. Ask him to have a small interest in your needs and you will have an even greater interest in his. He may just need a little blue pill after all. Try it!
(NORTHERN IRELAND) Hi there, I am Natasha. I have been married for 10 years now. We have two children, ages 8 and 4. I really want to have sex 2 or 3 times a week, but my husband doesn’t have any fellings for having sex. Mostly we have sex only once a month. If it’s more, some months it’s just twice a month.
And the sex time is not longer than 2 to 5 minutes. My husband never kisses me as well, in our 10 year of married life. This has been happening for about the last 2 years. Before, we had sex once or twice a week.
But the things are getting worse now. He really doesn’t have any feelings to have sex for even once a month.
I was talking with him once but he was very angry. He told me to decide which guy can give me more happiness and go with that guy. He can’t give me any more than this.
In this month until today 18/10/2011, we had only one day of sex. In two days I will have my period. We are muslim so we are not having sex when we have a period. So I am thinking again today that after he comes home from work I will speak with him. I know he will be very angry today, as well.
I feel the same way as you are feeling. I am really in stress. I can’t share it with any of my friends; I can’t tell anyone about this problem. What can I do? I know if it’s going to stay like that it will be not possible to stay together anymore even though I love him so much. If a man is not beside you, you can control your sex drive. But if your husband is beside you and not having sex for 20 or 25 days, how you will control yourself? Please someone, give me right advice. What I can do?
(USA) Oh my, so much bitterness. My husband and I have been married a little over a year and we only have sex once a month. I feel hurt and not wanted. I don’t understand what’s wrong. Often I feel like there is something wrong with me. He used to like making love but now it seems he doesn’t. I’m confused and I feel rejected. I’m very worried this is going to get worse. I want to talk to him about my feelings but every time I try he seems to be busy doing somthing more important or has to go somewhere. Feeling sad, frustrated, and alone…..
(CANADA) I so feel for you. I am in a sexless marriage with my wife and it sucks big time. I have tried and tried but to no avail. We have made love 15 times in the last 5 years. Bummer!
(USA) @Jeni… in reading your story about your marriage, I see a lot of similarities to my own. Although, unlike you, I never saw the situation as being because I was less of a woman because I knew I was normal and that something was definitely wrong with him. I thought we would have sex about 2x’s per week once we were married. My husband thought once a month was good. I was a sexy 21 year old with raging hormones and had to put up with a husband who thought I made too much out of it. Like your husband he was not touchy feely and never patted my behind or grabbed me while I was cooking etc. I ended up having a very unfulfilled sex life.
I tried talking to him from time to time when I got frustrated and he promised to try, but it would never last. He tried to blame me and said that it was because I gained weight etc. That was his attempt to blame me and I knew it was BS. As we got older the once a month became once every 2 or 3 months. I should have left him. I made the decision to stay with him because he had so many other great qualities. He was helpful with chores and with our son. He was thoughtful in so many other ways. And when we had sex it was always good. I just figured that God made us that way. I never cheated because I always believed in fidelity in marraige.
To this day I still feel unfulfilled!!! We are now in our mid 60′s and retired. I made the decision to sleep by myself and forego having sex whenever he daned to think of it. I thought if we were not going to have sex anymore I was at least going to have my own room and my own bed!!! I want to be comfortable. If I want sex I can satisfy myself!
After 6 years of my decision to give up on a normal marraige based on sex, my husband now runs around every morning with his stuff hanging out and loves to come into my bedroom and sit with me in the nude. Maybe he thinks it will turn me on… it doesn’t!!! Even if it did, guess what, he is getting to experience what I’ve had to go through for 45 plus years!!! Too bad.
Back in January of this year, I wrote my husband a long letter asking some questions that haunted me as to why our marraige was so sexless. Did he do it to punish me? Did he feel it gave him more control over me because I have such a strong personality? That was what I always assumed. Back in the 60′s there was no one to consult or ask if this was normal. You couldn’t google and ask questions. I was embarrassed to ask my sisters, mother or friends. I felt alone in my struggle to come to grips with the fact that my marraige was so sexless. He took many days to answer and really never gave me an answer. It was a lot of the same excuses.
I’ve given up ever trying to understand what the problem was. All I know is that it’s too late. I missed a good part of my youth, looking for love. Being stuck in a loveless, sexless marriage was not a good choice. I’m in my mid 6o’s and have a lot of medical problems so sex is not an issue in the forefront of my mind.
(CANADA) Dear Toni, Here’s hoping that your post will be words of wisdom for the many, many young men and women who read this message board. Sometimes there are things which have no answers I guess… frustrating I hear you. God bless.
I’m so sorry Jeni that you’re going through this in your marriage. I’m sure this is really difficult and plays on your mind and emotions quite a bit! It appears like your husband isn’t taking seriously the action to “deny self” that the Bible talks about. It sounds like you’re doing your best to do that; but your husband also needs to deny his natural tendency in this to be a better partner in this area of your marriage. Many times a person begins to make love to be in partnership with their spouse even though they don’t “feel like it” but eventually find themselves enjoying it more than they ever thought possible. Your husband needs to recognize the need to do what he can to make this happen. Some people have a lower libido than others, but just because we don’t “feel” like it, it doesn’t mean that we can’t start the process and see what happens. Even if we’re not into it as much as we wish we could be, there’s something to be said for making it our goal to bring pleasure to our partner. That’s a big part of what happens in a good marriage.
Please don’t lose hope. I’ve seen it happen repeatedly that situations may be going in a bad direction for a long time with no sign that things will ever improve, but then something happens and things change for the better when the non-participating spouse finally “wakes up” for some reason. It really is true that “whoever wants sex the least has the most power in bed.” I pray your husband wakes up and becomes a participant in loving you in this wonderful God-sanctioned part of marriage — both for your benefit as well as his.
Also, I want to warn you to guard your heart. You sound very frustrated right now, and understandably so. But these are times when we can be vulnerable to fall into temptation even though we never thought it could ever happen to us. So be aware of your vulnerability and put up hedges to guard your heart and mind and actions so you don’t end up compromising your values. No matter what your husband does or doesn’t do, you still don’t want to do something you know isn’t right, and something you’ll eventually live to regret. If I could only show you the many letters we get that tell us of this sad scenario, you’d be all the more cautious. Beyond what I’ve just written, I’m hoping someone will read this that might have some good suggestions for you — ones that are truly healthy. I pray the Lord strengthens you and gives you help and hope.
(USA) I have been married for 4 1/2 years now. My husband and I lived together before we were married and at that point I noticed that our sex life started to slow down. We were never really a couple that "did it" all the time, but at least a couple times a week. Our first year of our marriage we went 9 months without having sex. I was so confused and thought something was wrong with me, therefore I was reluctant to bring up the issue. Over the past 4 1/2 years we engage in sex about once every four/five months. It is not a love making experience, rather a "hurry up and get it done" feeling from my husband. I have continued to put this issue out of my head, but I have finally reached a point of no return. I’ve suggested counciling and he went once. When I scheduled another session he got frustrated because work made it too difficult to go. I told him to give me other times that would work and he never did. I dropped it. I now have the attitude in which I am sick of being the one to try and save this marriage.
Not only are we not having sex, but he is not intimate at all. He will not touch me in a sexual way and hasn’t in a long time (couple years).
I know this sounds abnormal, but I really feel like I am living with a roommate. All of our friends think we are the perfect couple. My husband is a great guy – smart, funny, successful…but he is either gay, not in love with me, or messed up in some other way.
Anyways, it is good to hear other people’s stories. I don’t feel so alone.
(USA) I agree 100%. We just had our 4 year anniversary & have been together for 10 years. I feel the exact same way. I am dying a little bit inside every single day. Some days I try to think that I don’t care, but I do. We have an 18 month old and just lost a baby a few weeks ago. I am wondering if at 27 years old, I am dooming my life away. We both have great jobs and people think we are so cute together, but I am so confused. I get the goodnight peck or the hello/goodbye peck. I want to kiss passionately & feel something.
I am not the type who goes looking for trouble, but I feel like if the right opportunity presented itself, I would cheat. That is so out of character for me, but I cannot beg and plead for him to seek counseling anymore. I love him like a best friend, but no longer like my husband and I don’t think it phases him at all anymore. I truly feel I deserve better because although he is a great guy and fantastic dad, he is not a lover or a great husband anymore. I am so sorry you are going through this too.
(USA) I saw your comment was recent and just wanted to throw in my sympathy…
My husband and I are in our mid-20s and have been married almost a year, no kids. It feels so dismal to already be losing any sort of romantic connection, and feel like he just doesn’t GET it. He is a once-a-month minute-man type when it comes to the bedroom and I could go everyday. If this is what it is now, am I really doomed to these feelings of being unattractive, frustrated, neglected, having made a mistake, etc for the rest of my life? (which seems to be your feelings too)
I sleep in nothing, do all the initiating, etc…. still no response. And you hate bringing it up because that turns into bickering and more hurt feelings which is even less conducive to romance.
I too always thought I would never cheat (and have been nearly tempted in the past but held firm), but with this kind of neglect, I’ve even started dreaming about it every night! Has anyone found help since they posted?
(EGYPT) I have exactly the same problem and don’t know what to do. I am very frustrated and feel that this is the end of it. I don’t know what to do and exactly like what you are saying, I start fantasizing about things and trying to live in the sex story that I don’t have. I don’t know what to do and need help. And I always thought that MEN ONLY THINK INSIDE THEIR PANTS
WHAT A SHAME.
(CANADA) I feel bad to read all these problems but happier to know I not alone. I think about sex about every minute of my life. I’m only 31 and my sex life is about once a month (maybe) for about 3-5 minutes. We’ve been together for about 7 years (not married) our child is almost 3 and he blows me away with how great of a dad he is. I truly believe we would not be together if we didn’t had a child.
I’m so depressed I hate looking in the mirror, I feel so ugly, fat, short, my boobs are not big enough, my hair, legs, arms, etc are not nice enough. I’ve talked about it to him so many times. I’ve even told him I’m gonna grab the first man I see walking down the street and have my way with him…if he doesn’t start acting like a man (to put it nicely).
What bothers me the most is how I feel about myself now. I know I’m attractive but the way he makes me feel with non stop rejection is painful. It’s always the same reason “I’m tired or stressed out from work.” I don’t know what to do. I’ve done and tried everything a man could want, even asked a couple to join us (which didn’t work out). I’m tired of doing everything for him and getting nothing… There, I finally let it out… help please.
(IRELAND) I thought I was the only person that was abnormal here. But luckily, I’m not. It seems as if it’s becoming a trend or something. It’s so frustrating and upsetting. Me and my husband have been together for 5 years, married nearly 3 years, and have a 20 month gorgeous baby boy which we adore. I’m lucky to get intimacy once a month and only if I make the move.
I spoke to him about this issue before but he doesn’t seem to get it. We can’t really blame the baby that’s in the house. When we first met we were like the average couple, once or twice a week when we saw the other and were living in a different house. Once we moved in together it started going downhill. Like once a month, if lucky.
After getting married and having a baby, if I don’t make the move or like begging for it, I don’t even get that. I get rejection most os the time. I feel so cheap, unattractive, and sometimes feel worse than a prostitute. At least a prostitute is a profession where they get paid for doing it. I have to beg for it and I still get none. Once I tried to pretend to be someone else on the phone and tried to get him into a different character, pretending that we would be cheating on each other to spice up our sex — only to end up being told not to do stupid things like that any more. I wish I could pretend to cheat on him like getting dressed up and going out a few times to see what his reaction would be. Why haven’t I done this yet? Just to make him jealous or get some reaction out of him? I don’t want to cheat on him. I just want to make love to him — no one else. Why is it so hard to get it from him?
He is a good provider, a hard working man, a good father, and a really caring person. Am I asking too much here? Do you ever feel like you love the person so much and care about him so much and that’s why it hurts so much? If you didn’t love the person, it wouldn’t even bother you that much. You want intimacy and making love… not just have sex… there is a big difference. It seems the no intimacy thing is getting worse. I’ve found lately I get upset easily. He raises his voice to me, saying his love for me is meaningless. He used to give me a kiss every morning and nite, the flames are dying down… There’s no passion anymore. I’m crying here while writing this cause it hurts so much.
(UNITED STATES) I understand how you feel and what you are going through. I too have been married for the past 8 1/2 years to someone who doesn’t put any priority and value on our intimacy. From the moment that I first spoke with him, I knew that he was the right person for me in my life. He was kind, gentle yet strong. He was hard-working and loving and his heart was filled with God. But, from the moment that we were married things began to change. What began as a beautiful, passionate loving relationship turned into a monotonous, robot-like, passionless one. I have always been extremely attracted to my husband and when we are together it is amazing to me.
We have two children together, two boys, who we both love very much. I have always been a very passionate, loving woman who desires and needs to give love and receive love in return. I’m not ashamed to say this. This is who I am. My husband is thoughtful, giving and he’s a wonderful provider. But, the only issue we do have is that there is no intimacy any longer in our relationship. This started about 5 years ago. Well, the worst of it did. Our intimacy was not good at all (the frequency was low that when we would make love, and when we did it was not very memorable).
I tried to speak with him about many times and he said that I was right and that he would try harder to pay more attention to this in our relationship. But, it would only improve for a short time, and then it would go right back to the way it was. I was frustrated and I felt very alone. I didn’t feel as if there was anyone that I could speak with about this. The more I spoke with my husband, the more annoyed he became. So, I would stop trying to talk about it for a time to see if this would help. But, he went about his day and never bothered making any effort at all to try to improve things. I asked him if he still loved me and if he was attracted to me, he said yes, of course.
So, I asked why no matter what I did to get his attention, from lingerie, to initiating intimacy, cards, music, candles, massages, etc. he did nothing to respond to me. He told me he was tired, and stressed from work, and that he didn’t put much effort into that part of our relationship. I explained how important that part was to me (I even explained this to him before we were married and he asked me if I was prepared to receive all the love he had for me.)
Well, all that love never happened. He seems happy with the relationship the way it is. I am very unhappy, lonely and very frustrated. I don’t want to be with anyone else, but I find myself thinking often of the few relationships I had with other men before I met him. I find myself missing all of that again. Yet, I don’t love anyone else but my husband. He is my friend and my companion and I want to spend eternity with him… but, I don’t want to be miserable any longer.
When I was pregnant with our second son, he wouldn’t make love to me at all… in 2 years we made love 3 times.. and everytime was uneventful. I asked him to make love to me all the time when I was pregnant because I felt very sexy and wanted him more and more, but nothing happened. He seems content talking about work issues to me while I’m taking a shower in front of him and he never notices me at all. Even when I’m standing in front of him naked, he makes no effort at all.
I am very petite, but yet have curves in the right places. I have always been the same weight, 124 lbs in a 5’6” frame. So, I don’t think that it’s me physically that he doesn’t want. He has always prioritized his career more than anything else in his life. I’ve asked him if he has someone else, he always says no. If I don’t make an effort to start the intimacy, nothing happens. And, when I do, he just gets sleepy and puts no effort into it at all. When we are together…the last time was 5 months ago, it is really wonderful. But, that rarely happens.
I know I have a stronger sex drive than he does, but I don’t think that I can spend the rest of my life being ignored. At this point, saying “I love you” to him doesn’t feel very good. When he kisses me on the face, I don’t like it anymore. He knows that I am hurt by all of this. I recently told him that if things do not change, then we need to go our separate ways. He doesn’t take it seriously. He thinks we will be together forever, no matter how he treats me. He figures that because he is a good provider and a good father, I have nothing to complain about. He has no problem at all sexually, maybe his libido is low.
It’s difficult for me to look at him because I am very attracted to him, but I know that any flirtation or touch will lead nowhere. To me I don’t understand because I do everything that a woman could possibly do to make her man happy, I run my own company and raise two beautiful boys, and yet when he looks at me, I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to have all of me… all the time. Especially when I’m willing and ready to do so. I’ve tried everything and nothing has changed. I desire to be loved completely, physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I wish he showed me that he needed me and wanted me. Then my life would definitely be complete. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you in advance.
(U.S.A.) I understand completely! Yesterday was my 12 year anniversary. My husband never even said Happy Anniversary. I worked all day and I came home and he is out with some friends at a Halloween party. It’s now after 1am and I am by myself.
We have sex maybe once a month, with almost no kissing, hugging or even hand holding the rest of the time. I have wondered if it’s me, but even though I have gained weight since having our daughter, I am 39 but I still look in my late 20′s and everyone says I am still gorgeous and my figure is not bad, voluptuous (like Marilyn Monroe). I have wondered if he’s just not into me sexually anymore, but he says that he is. I have even wondered if he is homosexual, and have talked to him multiple times about my feelings of sexual abandonment and how it makes me feel. He says that he understands and that he will work on it, but he never does. I have even let him know that if he is homosexual, that I would be supportive. However, his answer is still that he is not.
I feel unappreciated and extremely sad a lot of the time. Sometimes I cry because I feel like he should be with someone he is attracted to, since I am obviously not what he wants. Although in my heart I know he loves me.
Sometimes I feel lucky that his libido is so low, because I know he’ll not cheat on me. I will never cheat either, because I love him so much. But I am tired of having to masturbate if I want to have an orgasm. And I feel jealous because I know that he masturbates, and if he does that, why not have sex?
I feel like we are roommates, or worse, that I am a ghost drifting through the house because he doesn’t notice me. He NEVER tells me that I look nice either. I used to get all dressed up for him in sexy clothes so he might be interested. But that stopped years ago because one day I put on a corset and gloves and thigh high boots, the whole 9 yards. And when he came home and I finally got him in the bedroom and was kissing him, he pulled away and told me that I should get dressed because we needed to go to the grocery store!
Not only that, but I have also stopped initiating sex because I know he doesn’t have any interest. He only has sex with me once a month because he knows I will complain otherwise. And, HOW can I feel like I want to have sex with him when I know that!? I am not going to force him to do something he doesn’t want to do…so I wait, and when I do get it, I don’t feel into it because I know it’s sympathy sex, so I don’t contribute that much. I don’t even give him oral sex often anymore, because I am at the point of why put any extra effort into it.
It is now almost 2 am, and he’s not here. I give up. I am going to bed.
(USA) This post is directed @ Cindy from Canada. Im a guy w/ a very strong sex drive. However, w/ all due to respect to you Cindy this is what seperates you from the other women posting here whom I have some empathy for…You stated “I think about sex about every minute of my life.”(verbatim) While I can understand you being deprived, you have pent up feelings and you’re “starved” (sexually). BUT I have to say this & I will do so on “egg shells” As strong of a sex drive as I have – as the man I know I am, I can say you very definitely have the signs of being a Nymphomaniac.
I’m not berating you, please do not be offended. If you think about sex literally as you stated you do have some problems. Are you a stay at home mom? Refuse to work? Don’t have many hobbies or interests? Do you sit on your PC looking at porn? It’s not healthy to think about sex every minute. There is so much more to life & your life should not revolve around sex (every minute, as you put it) and if it does, I would suggest personal 1-on-1 therapy. Even if you were to get plenty of sex, I can ascertain that you would still not be satisfied.
Nymphomania is a unquenching desire for sex that literally can never be quelled. In fact, the more a Nympho receives it the more she will want it. You know you’re a Nymphomanic when sex is the all consuming thought. I’m not giving your man a pass here, Cindy; he’s not keepin his end of the deal. BUT even if he was, you wouldn’t be sexually content either. One thing I’ve noticed b/c I have been around the block many a times, unemployed stay at home moms w/too much time on their hands tend to be the ones that are over-top sexually frustrated & have obscure sexual tastes as well.
I think this is your problem. You need more to do more with your life. You are the only woman on this forum that just doesn’t mesh with the rest of women posting. These other women are literally sexually deprived and would be content with 3-5 times a week. There’s a woman here whose husband performs for 2-5 minutes and she gets it once a month if she is lucky. I cannot truly feel empathy for you as I do her. Sorry, Cindy, the truth hurts & you definately need counseling.
(USA) It saddens me greatly to see all these women on here that have these problems that I myself share. I’m a 30 year old guy, I’m with someone that’s a few years younger them me. See what gets me, is from what I’ve read most of you ladies are married, have kids, or something of that sort.
We dont have kids, we aren’t married yet… everything’s great, except the obvious thing that brings me here. Our sex life is pretty much non existant. Once a month if I’m lucky. I’ve tried romancing her… taking her out on dates to set the mood to the best of my ability. But in the end I usually get turned down. Now her reasoning which I understand, is the fact that she has anxiety issues that mess with her arousal moods. However, now that she’s on meds for it, she’s doing ok. I just guess I hoped it would help that too.
After a while I’m sure the guys would agree with me on this… it’s hard to romance a woman when all the body wants is to ravage. If you understand what I mean by that anyhow. I’ve tried talking to her about it and her reasoning is always the same… she’ll even tease me by getting into provocative positions while clothed… rubbing me before bed. But never anything further. And I think she starts to sense my frustration at times cause she responds with “I love you.”
Don’t get me wrong, I love her to death, we’ve known each other for a long time. It just in the end makes me feel unattractive. I don’t wanna leave cause of sex, to me that’s not the greatest excuse. But I don’t know what to do anymore. Anyhow… I’m just glad I’m not the only one that has his problem. I wish you all the best.
(USA) Wow… I have said the same thing to myself over and over that you are saying. I too feel that I have a roommate, not a husband. We have been together for 5 years and have a three year old. I have not had sex with my husband in 8 months and we do not sleep in the same bed either. He sleeps on the couch and me in the bedroom. I have asked and asked about sex and he says the same thing every time, he is not a machine, and that he has no sex drive at all. He says it’s not me but I can’t help feeling like it is.
We do have a large age gap. I am 32 and he is 47. However, when we met we had a great sex life. It has just been since we had our daughter that we have no sex life. I am so frustrated at this point. I did have an affair… I only did it one time and will not do it again but it just felt so good to be wanted by someone. My husband and I have no contact at all. He does not kiss me, hug me, he won’t even sit on the couch with me and watch a movie.
I don’t want to wake up 40 and be in the same situation. I am thinking about divorce but it makes me feel so bad to think about splitting up my family, as my husband really loves his daugnhter and really, for the most part, is a great dad. I want a husband not a roomate… this sux. He swears he is not having sex with someone else, but something is really wrong.
(USA) I thank God for you all sharing your testimonies. I thought I was in this season of my marriage by myself. Cindy has truly helped me to get a better grasp of what I am facing. I understand that my husband may have a low sex drive and I have a high sex drive. I have only been married for 2 years and I can honestly count on my hands how many times we had sex.
I prayed to God and asked him why is it like this. We waited to have sex after marriage and this is what I get for waiting? I was angry with God and the situation I was in. We went to counseling and found out that he doesn’t really love himself, so he can’t love me right now. And on top of everything else, I walk on egg shells not to make a mistake because he withholds sex as a punishment towards me. This is a hard place to be when you desire to have intimacy with your husband. I ask him for sex and he rejects me, making up excuses of tiredness or just not right now comments. However, when we talk about the lack of sex, he tells me to ask and he will give it to me but I don’t feel like I should have to ask for it because I will just hit the wall of rejection again. A woman sometimes wants to feel wanted and I feel like another person he has to please in his life.
My self-esteem and confidence initially went out of the window and I just regained my confidence in God. I know that my husband is trying but all I can do is hope for the best in this area of our marriage. Please pray for us that we experience true intimacy with God and each other. God bless your marriage!
(USA) Hi Kristi, I felt compelled to write in response to your comments. The situation you describe is certainly one of concern and does not represent a healthy marriage life.
I agree with you in that, yes, it sounds more like a roommate situation than a marriage. And that, yes, your suspicions on what the issue behind this problem might be are probably one of those three things you mentioned.
I pray that it is not sexual molestation in your husband’s past or an extramarital affair (ie he’s getting sex somewhere else?) Is it possible he’s into porn? That is sometimes the culprit behind a married man’s lack of desire for his wife.
At any rate – I think that you should re-address the issue of counseling with your husband. I think that it is a good idea.
It seems that he is avoiding the issue (using his work schedule to not go to counseling and then not giving alternate times that work for him). This avoidance is a confirmation, in my opinion, of it being a touchy subject that is, possibly, too hard for him to face. Why? I don’t know but it indicates something is wrong.
Do you ever ask your husband directly what might be the reason for the lack of desire? Certainly it is important to address the subject from a standpoint of concern for him, as opposed to sounding like an accusation of wrongdoing or an argument.
There are SO many topics on this website, including how to start a hard conversation as well as marital problems, sex in marriage and others. Hopefully you can find other resources on this site to help you.
In the meantime, I think it would behoove you to address the issue and not "give up" as you have in the past.
In I Corinthians 7:5 it talks about spouses not withholding sex from each other. To do so is actually against scripture (I’m not sure if you are aware of this).
I assume you are a Christian. If this is the case, I would pray about this matter and guidance on how to handle it but it also might help to talk to someone (a minister or elder woman in your congregation) you trust and pray with them over it, as well. Hopefully that will also give you some guidance.
The Bible does say that we can share with other Christians if they have sinned against us. If you boil it down, your husband is caught up in a sin because he is withholding sex from him wife and this is against what the bible teaches. It also is not part of his scriptural role to love His wife.
Loving includes concern for others and being concerned about what is important to them. This is something that is important to you so he should be showing loving concern for your feelings.
Matthew 18:5 talks about if someone is trespassing against you, you should tell them. It also talks about what to do, in the church, if they won’t hear you on a matter.
I will keep you in my prayers. I hope this helps. These were the verses that came to my mind as I read your comments.
God bless you, LT
(USA) Jeni, I could have written your response from my own experience. I’ve been married for just over nine years and we have sex on average of about 1 or 2 times per three months. Recently, I asked her to marry me again because I truly love her. Yet, when she withholds sex she brings this up. "Why do you want to marry me again (renew our vows) if you don’t like how I am." I’ve even resorted to creating "special" dates or purchases to have sex with her. This is wrong, but I’ve found myself doing whatever it takes to have a sexual relationship with my wife. I’ve suspected she is having an affair, we’ve went to Christian counseling for months at a time (3 separate times) and things only perk up for a week or so to about once or twice a week. I’ve read numerous websites and read all the scriptures. Tonight I asked her to speak with our Pastor about the situation and she refused. She knows what the Bible says and has basically ignored it. We are both attractive, though could stand lose a few pounds. I have the opportunity to go outside the marriage and have fought this for so many years. I pray that I do not allow this situation to get out hand to commit adultery. She says adultery is grounds for divorce, but ignores other scripture. I am very tired of this, trying everything I know to change the situation and going to bed frustrated and feeling alone each night. We still kiss and say I love you daily, but I need and expect more.
(USA) Hi Jerry, The Bible says that husbands and wives are not to withhold sex from each other (I Corinthians 7:3-6). And the scriptures are clear that the reason for this is so that one (or both) don’t end up having affairs. Even the secular community knows that when men, especially, are deprived of sex for too long, consistently, they tend to look elsewhere. If your wife is withholding sex from you she’s not only violating scripture (the one above) she’s also putting a stumbling block in front of you because your mind will then wander and think about sex elsewhere (which is a sin) and therefore she’s causing you to sin as well.
Scripture says that when a brother (in Christ, which would also include a spouse) is caught up in a sin, you can tell them about it in private. Obviously you’ve already done this and your wife didn’t listen and won’t speak to the pastor.
The Bible is clear on the next steps to take when a brother won’t hear you when you have a fault with them. See Matthew 18:15-17. If she won’t listen to you, and won’t see the pastor, then bring the pastor to you and talk at your house, with her.
However, I caution you in this way – always examine yourself first. Once you involve others, you can expect the person being confronted to not only be embarrassed and/or bitter (for a while) but they might also bring out skeletons you are hiding in your own closet so make sure you’ve prayed and examined yourself first, before making the step to confront someone with other witnesses present.
The Bible says all truth will be brought to light. This includes sins that someone is committing and trying to hide. I will keep you in my prayers. God bless.
(USA) I’m a little fed up with all the commentary on similar websites, shows and threads that seem to indicate this is all about disinterested husbands leaving poor little wife to her own problems. Nothing could be further from the truth in our situation. My spouse has herself said with a laugh "there’s not a sensous bone in my body." I’ll make advances, provide opportunity, give gifts talk directly about desires or needs and the result is…….
I enjoy seeing here in nice lingerie, pretty dresses, and sexy clothing, but it rarely happens. She owns all these, but they are stuffed away in the back of the closet gathering dust. She prefers flumping around in sweats or blue jeans and sweat shirts. It’s not how it was when we met, or for the first few years of marriage.
Just recently we were looking throuhg a catalog of books, since we both enjoy reading. There was a book with a collection of art plates in it, paintings of beautiful women. The artists featured had their works displayed in multiple galleries and museums. Her observation, "I don’t think those kind of pictures are appropriate. Nobody has to show themselves off like that." These are paintings. I responded that men find them beautiful and appealing. It turned into a big arguement that somehow was supposedly about her, and her not being "the woman you want me to be." All I did was say I thought the paintings were beautiful, and wouldn’t mind if she was a little more inclined to seeing the beauty in that sort of thing too.
These were gallery type paintings, we’re not talking pornography here.
Our tremendous lack of sensuality and intimacy in marriage isn’t because I’m inattentive or uninterested. Frankly it’s because I’m very frustrated and BORED with her attitude and approach to the issue. In all these discussions I’d sure like to see the so-called professionals helping women talk a little more responsibility than I’m reading or hearing about.
(USA) I am having the same feeling, I feel that I am living like a roommate or my marriage is a business. I met my husband overseas and I came to US to know him better, I stayed in his house and during this time we had sex a couple times, because when we talked about it, he said we were not supposed to have sex before marriage anyway. I thought it was wonderful hear this from him, and I agreed.
We got married in 05/2001 and we had sex about twice a month, then he lost his job in 10/2001, because of 9/11. We had a difficult time and we did not have sex at all during the eight months he was unemployed. I thought it was because of the unemployment stress.Then he found a job, we had sex once a I got pregnant. I also found a very good job. He was a remote employee and his job required a lot travel after while. But he was home every weekend, and during the nine months we did not have sex at all, since he thought it was weird.
I had a boy in 2003 and I nursed him for 2 years, during this time if we had sex about 3 or 4 times, then he got tired of the travel and found a job with less travel. he was also a remote employee. In January of 2006 he had to travel to Miami for his job. On the weekend he came home we had sex once and I got pregnant. He made a joke that he saw a lot beautiful Cuban girls and came home to have sex with me. I knew I could expect 9 more months without sex. Then guess what, since January 2006 he did not have more sex with me. I tied my tubes and I nursed my daughter until 12/07. Then I stopped to think about it and I realized that since we do not have sex for more then 2 years, something could be wrong in our marriage. In the past while talking to him I made some jokes about the situation and he would laugh, he thought that it was funny.
I asked him about it this month and he did not say in the beginning, but at the end I understood that it is because the weight I gained. I am not ugly, I was size 08 and I am size 16 now, I am going to a weight management doctor and I lost 11 lbs already in less then one month, but I am doing this for me and not for my husband. I do not think the problem is my weight, because before I got the weight we did not a normal sex life.
I feel hurt, because I do everything. I work, I take care of the house, the kids and everything needs to repair in the house. We just built 3400 sq ft house and I managed the construction, hired contractors, and took the most of the stress.
I think that I have a lot and to complete my life, last week the hospital put his grandmother in a nursing home and he is taking his 55 years old aunt with down syndrome to live with us, because he promised his grandfather to take her. He wants that I take care of her, besides he knows that I did want this, but it looks like my opinion is not important. We do not kiss, but say I love you sometimes or every time that I drop him at the airport.
(USA) That infrequent of sex can be considered being in an “abusive relationship” or a neglectful one. How are things today?
(USA) Sorry, infrequent sex could not be considered an abusive relationship nor a neglectful one.
(CANADA) Sorry Renee, infrequent sex when it is due to the willfull witholding of sex by one partner, can certainly be catagorized as neglectful. In fact, when it goes on long enough it can be considered constructive abandonment. Also, when sex is witheld to punish (manipulate), it is abuse akin to emotion abuse.
I should elaborate. When one partner willfully witholds sex for an extended period (taken in most jurisdictions to be 1 year) then the other spouse has grounds for divorce due to the fact that their spouse has essentially abandoned them…hence “constructive” abandonment.
So Lia’s case would (even by the world’s standards – which you can rest assured are well below God’s standards) be termed cruel. It doesn’t sound like abuse in that the witholding of sex was not for purposes of manipulating Lia, but it is most certainly neglectfull by any measure.
(LA / TN) Interesting that you have to read to the bottom to get to this comment: Constructive abandonment at 1 year means I only have 4 months to go. Now, do I live with this as 1 in 5 marriages do or do I move on to the next relationship and/or spouse?
What a disaster -is it communication failure, lack of concern for the others needs, no effort in affirming or acknowledging the others attributes? Can we have more time alone? Are we doing our part in the household chores and worst of all is the personal touching pushed away? I strive endlessly in all of these things in what seems like a one sidded effort. Could be I, like many of you, just don’t have that “touch”. Or maybe just to much need for intamacy with my partner.
Not my idea -I miss sexual intimacy and I miss it 2 or 3 times a week. That’s what it used to be but now she denies me. Nothing in 8 months.
So I pray and wait for God’s healing in our relationship, hmmm -will He show up just at the last minute when all I hope for is lost or has healing already begun, sure could use a miracle already.
(US) Wow, this is the most depressing page I have ever visited and also the most comforting. I’m 42 and have been married 18 years, and was with my wife 4 years prior to that. She never had a high sex drive. I have a very high sex drive. Before we were married we would have sex about 3 times per week. After we were married it started dropping off and continued to get less frequent. My sex drive remained high. Now we have sex about one a month. Sometimes once every two months.
She is an amazing mother/roommate and I am a wonderful father/roommate to her, but there is almost no sex. I go to bed saying to myself “I hate you” to try to subdue my desire for her because I am tired of being turned down. I would usually ask for it every night, and once a month she would partake and we would have fun, but the other 29 days in the month were cold. Now I have given up. I refuse to ask her and the frequency has dropped to about once every two months when I break down and beg for it for a few days. She is now happier than ever because she doesn’t have the conflict of having to turn me down. I have two kids and I can’t imagine leaving them but I am so unhappy and so lonely. What should I do? Stick in a loveless marriage or move on?
(USA) In my message above , I meant I do not want to have my husband’s aunt living with us, since I have a lot going on, and I would like to work in our marital problem first.