So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire.It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And here in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low sex drive is such a problem, said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre, that it’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days, from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless” — young New Yorkers so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex (it could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex). But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized, that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.’”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire — including some antidepressants and some birth control pills — most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to and he may not,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage — and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation; they had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs: Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages, and with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops: the hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,’” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8″ rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
The above article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003, and was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek Mercury News. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other, as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
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Your information was helpful. My husband has a habit of not believing that issues of sex drive matter much, and that they are not something that brings much disharmony to our marriage. I wonder if he sometimes believes that our marriage is as wonderful as anyone could hope for. I know that there is no way to fully express to him how difficult the deprivation of affection is for me, since he is not experiencing it, and has no desire to feel the kind of affection I am looking for. When I want a hug, I can literally feel him pulling out of it. When I make a comment that suggests sex, he ignores me, and an awkward silence fills the room, and I feel horribly stupid. The issues has been talked about to no avail, and he has made it absolutely clear for the last 3 years that there is nothing he can or will do about it. It is my “problem”.
This in view, I must add that I think I have a high sex drive. I would love to have sex a couple times a week. We do not have a sexless marriage, but we have sex an average once every 11 days, ( 3 times a month). I am 24, he is 29, we are both healthy. I have attempted to remove stressors from our home. The house is clean, our two toddlers do not bother him while he is doing homework and I handle the majority of the discipline in the home. I make the dinners, allow him to talk freely about work with out interruption, and I do not put unnecessary strain on our finances, which are in stellar order. I complement his progress in school, work and I do not nag him. He gets as much attention, massages, and time away for guy time as he wants. I have made several deals about sex; I would do this or that, and he might be more willing to have sex or show more affection. Nothing has stuck for more than a couple days. I do not pester him for sex. I had decided at the beginning of this year to stop asking for sex, and to wait until he is ready.
The longest that I lasted was 17 days. He has only approached me for sex in the last year 3 times. My emotions on the subject have ranged from feeling like my husband is completely disappointed in his choice of wife, to being sexually unattractive, to feeling like he secretly hates me, to feeling like I am a freak of nature that is destroying my husband’s peace. I feel like this about 90% of the time. He has no idea, and he doesn’t want to hear it. We have only been married for 4 years. I am shocked at how three short years have made a difference in our sex life. The trend is that we will be have about a third as much sex by this time next year as we are now, since that is how it has worked for the other years we have been married. I am so worried that we will have a sexless marriage, and that I am doomed to feeling ugly and frustrated all the time, instead of 90% of the time, because that 10% does manage to keep me afloat. I have prayed a lot, but I don’t get an answer or any peace. Nothing changes. How do I get my husband to see my side of things without destroying his ego or our peace at home, or being completely shut down and mocked.
(USA) I feel your pain. I am 40 my wife 41 and she never asks for sex (we are both average to slightly above average in looks). I always ask and then I get one of three answers:
1. I’m tired
2. How about later
3. That’s all you ever want.
What I find frustrating is that every time I go to one of these forums it seems like it’s women claiming their husbands won’t have sex with them. I would give my left leg to be in the position that my wife would complain that I never ask her for sex. It actually hurts to think that I ended up with a wife with no sex drive. When I ask her to try to increase the frequency (we average 1 – 2 times a month) she acts like I’m some kind of pervert or that I should go to sex-aholics anonymous.
I’m at the point that I’m ready for a divorce as then I wouldn’t be made to feel guilty about my sex drive or my urge to satisfy it. My only reason for not persuing a divorce is that we have three boys and I do not want to hurt them. For now I guess I’ll just stay frustrated.
(USA) Rob, I feel for your situation. I was the wife that did not want sex often for a very long time. I would tell my husband that I needed to have more time with him outside of the bedroom before I could respond inside of it… but he never quite understood. Unfortunately my marriage ended, but I was blessed with another mate and things are quite different.
You may be doing everything right and she may just truly be uninterested… however, here are some things men should know about their wife:
1) If a woman “feels” unattractive, then she doesn’t feel sexy. Exercising together, (sex is not exercise, ha ha) is a good start… a walk… just talking together as you walk will bring you closer mentally and physically.
2) Romance is important…. nothing expensive. Cheap candles from the dollar store and lots of them… draw a bath and light them all.
3) A massage.
4) Most women will think you are just trying to have sex, but prove her wrong… do the romance, candles, massage, make dinner, draw the bath, or whatever, then kiss her gently, say I love you and go to sleep snuggling her. This is hard, but do it several times… before making the move… Remember you wooed her in the beginning… you didn’t just jump in and say lets do it. With a little stroking, she will purr again! Good luck.
I’m so sorry Jeni that you’re going through this in your marriage. I’m sure this is really difficult and plays on your mind and emotions quite a bit! It appears like your husband isn’t taking seriously the action to “deny self” that the Bible talks about. It sounds like you’re doing your best to do that; but your husband also needs to deny his natural tendency in this to be a better partner in this area of your marriage. Many times a person begins to make love to be in partnership with their spouse even though they don’t “feel like it” but eventually find themselves enjoying it more than they ever thought possible. Your husband needs to recognize the need to do what he can to make this happen. Some people have a lower libido than others, but just because we don’t “feel” like it, it doesn’t mean that we can’t start the process and see what happens. Even if we’re not into it as much as we wish we could be, there’s something to be said for making it our goal to bring pleasure to our partner. That’s a big part of what happens in a good marriage.
Please don’t lose hope. I’ve seen it happen repeatedly that situations may be going in a bad direction for a long time with no sign that things will ever improve, but then something happens and things change for the better when the non-participating spouse finally “wakes up” for some reason. It really is true that “whoever wants sex the least has the most power in bed.” I pray your husband wakes up and becomes a participant in loving you in this wonderful God-sanctioned part of marriage — both for your benefit as well as his.
Also, I want to warn you to guard your heart. You sound very frustrated right now, and understandably so. But these are times when we can be vulnerable to fall into temptation even though we never thought it could ever happen to us. So be aware of your vulnerability and put up hedges to guard your heart and mind and actions so you don’t end up compromising your values. No matter what your husband does or doesn’t do, you still don’t want to do something you know isn’t right, and something you’ll eventually live to regret. If I could only show you the many letters we get that tell us of this sad scenario, you’d be all the more cautious. Beyond what I’ve just written, I’m hoping someone will read this that might have some good suggestions for you — ones that are truly healthy. I pray the Lord strengthens you and gives you help and hope.
(USA) I have been married for 4 1/2 years now. My husband and I lived together before we were married and at that point I noticed that our sex life started to slow down. We were never really a couple that "did it" all the time, but at least a couple times a week. Our first year of our marriage we went 9 months without having sex. I was so confused and thought something was wrong with me, therefore I was reluctant to bring up the issue. Over the past 4 1/2 years we engage in sex about once every four/five months. It is not a love making experience, rather a "hurry up and get it done" feeling from my husband. I have continued to put this issue out of my head, but I have finally reached a point of no return. I’ve suggested counciling and he went once. When I scheduled another session he got frustrated because work made it too difficult to go. I told him to give me other times that would work and he never did. I dropped it. I now have the attitude in which I am sick of being the one to try and save this marriage.
Not only are we not having sex, but he is not intimate at all. He will not touch me in a sexual way and hasn’t in a long time (couple years).
I know this sounds abnormal, but I really feel like I am living with a roommate. All of our friends think we are the perfect couple. My husband is a great guy – smart, funny, successful…but he is either gay, not in love with me, or messed up in some other way.
Anyways, it is good to hear other people’s stories. I don’t feel so alone.
(USA) I thank God for you all sharing your testimonies. I thought I was in this season of my marriage by myself. Cindy has truly helped me to get a better grasp of what I am facing. I understand that my husband may have a low sex drive and I have a high sex drive. I have only been married for 2 years and I can honestly count on my hands how many times we had sex.
I prayed to God and asked him why is it like this. We waited to have sex after marriage and this is what I get for waiting? I was angry with God and the situation I was in. We went to counseling and found out that he doesn’t really love himself, so he can’t love me right now. And on top of everything else, I walk on egg shells not to make a mistake because he withholds sex as a punishment towards me. This is a hard place to be when you desire to have intimacy with your husband. I ask him for sex and he rejects me, making up excuses of tiredness or just not right now comments. However, when we talk about the lack of sex, he tells me to ask and he will give it to me but I don’t feel like I should have to ask for it because I will just hit the wall of rejection again. A woman sometimes wants to feel wanted and I feel like another person he has to please in his life.
My self-esteem and confidence initially went out of the window and I just regained my confidence in God. I know that my husband is trying but all I can do is hope for the best in this area of our marriage. Please pray for us that we experience true intimacy with God and each other. God bless your marriage!
(USA) Hi Kristi, I felt compelled to write in response to your comments. The situation you describe is certainly one of concern and does not represent a healthy marriage life.
I agree with you in that, yes, it sounds more like a roommate situation than a marriage. And that, yes, your suspicions on what the issue behind this problem might be are probably one of those three things you mentioned.
I pray that it is not sexual molestation in your husband’s past or an extramarital affair (ie he’s getting sex somewhere else?) Is it possible he’s into porn? That is sometimes the culprit behind a married man’s lack of desire for his wife.
At any rate – I think that you should re-address the issue of counseling with your husband. I think that it is a good idea.
It seems that he is avoiding the issue (using his work schedule to not go to counseling and then not giving alternate times that work for him). This avoidance is a confirmation, in my opinion, of it being a touchy subject that is, possibly, too hard for him to face. Why? I don’t know but it indicates something is wrong.
Do you ever ask your husband directly what might be the reason for the lack of desire? Certainly it is important to address the subject from a standpoint of concern for him, as opposed to sounding like an accusation of wrongdoing or an argument.
There are SO many topics on this website, including how to start a hard conversation as well as marital problems, sex in marriage and others. Hopefully you can find other resources on this site to help you.
In the meantime, I think it would behoove you to address the issue and not "give up" as you have in the past.
In I Corinthians 7:5 it talks about spouses not withholding sex from each other. To do so is actually against scripture (I’m not sure if you are aware of this).
I assume you are a Christian. If this is the case, I would pray about this matter and guidance on how to handle it but it also might help to talk to someone (a minister or elder woman in your congregation) you trust and pray with them over it, as well. Hopefully that will also give you some guidance.
The Bible does say that we can share with other Christians if they have sinned against us. If you boil it down, your husband is caught up in a sin because he is withholding sex from him wife and this is against what the bible teaches. It also is not part of his scriptural role to love His wife.
Loving includes concern for others and being concerned about what is important to them. This is something that is important to you so he should be showing loving concern for your feelings.
Matthew 18:5 talks about if someone is trespassing against you, you should tell them. It also talks about what to do, in the church, if they won’t hear you on a matter.
I will keep you in my prayers. I hope this helps. These were the verses that came to my mind as I read your comments.
God bless you, LT
(USA) Jeni, I could have written your response from my own experience. I’ve been married for just over nine years and we have sex on average of about 1 or 2 times per three months. Recently, I asked her to marry me again because I truly love her. Yet, when she withholds sex she brings this up. "Why do you want to marry me again (renew our vows) if you don’t like how I am." I’ve even resorted to creating "special" dates or purchases to have sex with her. This is wrong, but I’ve found myself doing whatever it takes to have a sexual relationship with my wife. I’ve suspected she is having an affair, we’ve went to Christian counseling for months at a time (3 separate times) and things only perk up for a week or so to about once or twice a week. I’ve read numerous websites and read all the scriptures. Tonight I asked her to speak with our Pastor about the situation and she refused. She knows what the Bible says and has basically ignored it. We are both attractive, though could stand lose a few pounds. I have the opportunity to go outside the marriage and have fought this for so many years. I pray that I do not allow this situation to get out hand to commit adultery. She says adultery is grounds for divorce, but ignores other scripture. I am very tired of this, trying everything I know to change the situation and going to bed frustrated and feeling alone each night. We still kiss and say I love you daily, but I need and expect more.
(USA) Hi Jerry, The Bible says that husbands and wives are not to withhold sex from each other (I Corinthians 7:3-6). And the scriptures are clear that the reason for this is so that one (or both) don’t end up having affairs. Even the secular community knows that when men, especially, are deprived of sex for too long, consistently, they tend to look elsewhere. If your wife is withholding sex from you she’s not only violating scripture (the one above) she’s also putting a stumbling block in front of you because your mind will then wander and think about sex elsewhere (which is a sin) and therefore she’s causing you to sin as well.
Scripture says that when a brother (in Christ, which would also include a spouse) is caught up in a sin, you can tell them about it in private. Obviously you’ve already done this and your wife didn’t listen and won’t speak to the pastor.
The Bible is clear on the next steps to take when a brother won’t hear you when you have a fault with them. See Matthew 18:15-17. If she won’t listen to you, and won’t see the pastor, then bring the pastor to you and talk at your house, with her.
However, I caution you in this way – always examine yourself first. Once you involve others, you can expect the person being confronted to not only be embarrassed and/or bitter (for a while) but they might also bring out skeletons you are hiding in your own closet so make sure you’ve prayed and examined yourself first, before making the step to confront someone with other witnesses present.
The Bible says all truth will be brought to light. This includes sins that someone is committing and trying to hide. I will keep you in my prayers. God bless.
(USA) I’m a little fed up with all the commentary on similar websites, shows and threads that seem to indicate this is all about disinterested husbands leaving poor little wife to her own problems. Nothing could be further from the truth in our situation. My spouse has herself said with a laugh "there’s not a sensous bone in my body." I’ll make advances, provide opportunity, give gifts talk directly about desires or needs and the result is…….
I enjoy seeing here in nice lingerie, pretty dresses, and sexy clothing, but it rarely happens. She owns all these, but they are stuffed away in the back of the closet gathering dust. She prefers flumping around in sweats or blue jeans and sweat shirts. It’s not how it was when we met, or for the first few years of marriage.
Just recently we were looking throuhg a catalog of books, since we both enjoy reading. There was a book with a collection of art plates in it, paintings of beautiful women. The artists featured had their works displayed in multiple galleries and museums. Her observation, "I don’t think those kind of pictures are appropriate. Nobody has to show themselves off like that." These are paintings. I responded that men find them beautiful and appealing. It turned into a big arguement that somehow was supposedly about her, and her not being "the woman you want me to be." All I did was say I thought the paintings were beautiful, and wouldn’t mind if she was a little more inclined to seeing the beauty in that sort of thing too.
These were gallery type paintings, we’re not talking pornography here.
Our tremendous lack of sensuality and intimacy in marriage isn’t because I’m inattentive or uninterested. Frankly it’s because I’m very frustrated and BORED with her attitude and approach to the issue. In all these discussions I’d sure like to see the so-called professionals helping women talk a little more responsibility than I’m reading or hearing about.
(USA) I am having the same feeling, I feel that I am living like a roommate or my marriage is a business. I met my husband overseas and I came to US to know him better, I stayed in his house and during this time we had sex a couple times, because when we talked about it, he said we were not supposed to have sex before marriage anyway. I thought it was wonderful hear this from him, and I agreed.
We got married in 05/2001 and we had sex about twice a month, then he lost his job in 10/2001, because of 9/11. We had a difficult time and we did not have sex at all during the eight months he was unemployed. I thought it was because of the unemployment stress.Then he found a job, we had sex once a I got pregnant. I also found a very good job. He was a remote employee and his job required a lot travel after while. But he was home every weekend, and during the nine months we did not have sex at all, since he thought it was weird.
I had a boy in 2003 and I nursed him for 2 years, during this time if we had sex about 3 or 4 times, then he got tired of the travel and found a job with less travel. he was also a remote employee. In January of 2006 he had to travel to Miami for his job. On the weekend he came home we had sex once and I got pregnant. He made a joke that he saw a lot beautiful Cuban girls and came home to have sex with me. I knew I could expect 9 more months without sex. Then guess what, since January 2006 he did not have more sex with me. I tied my tubes and I nursed my daughter until 12/07. Then I stopped to think about it and I realized that since we do not have sex for more then 2 years, something could be wrong in our marriage. In the past while talking to him I made some jokes about the situation and he would laugh, he thought that it was funny.
I asked him about it this month and he did not say in the beginning, but at the end I understood that it is because the weight I gained. I am not ugly, I was size 08 and I am size 16 now, I am going to a weight management doctor and I lost 11 lbs already in less then one month, but I am doing this for me and not for my husband. I do not think the problem is my weight, because before I got the weight we did not a normal sex life.
I feel hurt, because I do everything. I work, I take care of the house, the kids and everything needs to repair in the house. We just built 3400 sq ft house and I managed the construction, hired contractors, and took the most of the stress.
I think that I have a lot and to complete my life, last week the hospital put his grandmother in a nursing home and he is taking his 55 years old aunt with down syndrome to live with us, because he promised his grandfather to take her. He wants that I take care of her, besides he knows that I did want this, but it looks like my opinion is not important. We do not kiss, but say I love you sometimes or every time that I drop him at the airport.
(USA) In my message above , I meant I do not want to have my husband’s aunt living with us, since I have a lot going on, and I would like to work in our marital problem first.