So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire.It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And here in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low sex drive is such a problem, said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre, that it’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days, from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless” — young New Yorkers so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex (it could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex). But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized, that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.’”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire — including some antidepressants and some birth control pills — most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to and he may not,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage — and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation; they had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs: Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages, and with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops: the hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,’” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8″ rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
The above article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003, and was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek Mercury News. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other, as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
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(CANADA) First, in comment to Lee, I share your frustration. this is almost a perfect reflection of my marriage. If I even ask my wife to wear a dress, I get in trouble. Woe to me if I express that I think she is "sexy".
However, I’d caution you against taking personal, the focus on male refusal. This is a pretty newly revealed phenomenon and the female refusees have been out in the cold for a long time.
Oh, and don’t dare bring up 1 Cor 7 to your refusing spouse. Overall, that kind of thing is not good practice, but especially in this kind of circumstance.
(USA) Oh, you guys! My heart hurts reading your stories — how difficult it must be for all of you. Can I tell you something? Continue to serve God. He will bless your obedience and faithfulness. 20 years ago, I could not imagine my marriage would endure, survive and thrive, and now, nearly 23 years after I got married, I cannot imagine my life without my husband. We had many hitches and stops and starts in our sex life together — sometimes we still do. But we have amazing, mind-blowing love-making that comes with the commitment and "practice" of this long time together, and I would not trade it for anything. Get counseling, read books, cry out to God, do whatever it takes to preserve the union and keep the promises you made. If you make it, you won’t be sorry.
(CANADA) Also, in my estimation, highlighting this as a problem for women also removes some of the stigma for the high sex drive male. We aren’t so out to lunch if women are feeling this way too.
(CANADA) I have the same situation but I guess mine is worse because I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 month and before him I had lots of passionate relationships. For some reason I like to stay with him but sex is the problem. The first 2-3 weeks, we had sex almost every night and the sex was perfect. It faded out to 2 time per week. And last month we barely had one, cuz i told him about my sexual frustration and the lack of self-esteem so I wore a sexy out fit and went out after i came back he came and said sorry for that he was busy and bluh bluh so he started to have sex but it last for 2 minutes maximum . he never answers my questions about this and not like me to touch him or the sex is not that good anymore it used to last for hours now he finishes it off early although he can last more and he does not do everything he used to do before like oral sex and other stuff , sex is mechanical routine and no connection in it , so i was wondering if its going to get better or its just the fundamental problem between us , we are together 24/7 , he dont let me go stay at my house so sincewe started i am living at his place , i tried to break up but i could not continue with the procedure cuz he always have some excuse , i dont thing once per month is enough for us and i dont like to be always the initiator , i am 19 and he is 26. Thanks
(USA) Hi PT, Bless your heart! I’m not sure if you realize that this is a Christian web site. We deal with marriage and pre-marriage issues. I’m not trying to throw stones at your situation, but I want to explain why you may not find too much help on this particular web site.
One of the beliefs we hold to strongly is that having sex before marriage is like opening a gift prematurely. It’s not that having sex isn’t a great experience to have, but it’s designed by God to be experienced in the context of being committed to each other through marriage. (You can read through the “Sex Before Marriage” section that we have on this web site to see better what I’m explaining.)
And it’s not that those who wait, won’t have problems later with their sexual lives together. But in the context of marriage, it is blessed by God and is something that the couple works through together. They made a vow to “love, honor, and cherish” each other for the rest of their lives, so their resolve to work through their issues has a stronger motivation because leaving each other over an issue such as this, isn’t supposed to be an option that they are to explore. Unfortunately, some do, but it isn’t something that the Lord wants, because sex — while it is fun and terrific in the context of marriage — it is also a sacred experience where the husband and wife are bonded together all the closer in how they express themselves. It’s fun AND it’s sanctified — which is the BEST!
I hope you understand why we can’t really answer your question. I pray the best for you and pray that someday you experience sex within marriage and that both of you know Jesus Christ as your personal Savior and Lord, and that your sexual times together are the most wonderful, fulfilling experiences you could have ever imagined! (To explore more about having a personal relationship, you can go into the blue box in the upper right corner of the web site and click onto the arrow next to “Find it Now” and then follow the prompts.) Blessings! Cindy
(USA) Thank you for the Christian insight as to what is going on with me and my marriage. It is nice to have a area like this to go to, because it is such a taboo topic in Christian circles. Although there is comfort in knowing I am not alone, and my husband as a Christian should be willing to fulfill me in this area, I still feel like as a Christian, God should be enough. I should not react to the rejection by altering my daily behavior, but I do.
I stop putting my children’s and my husband’s need before my own and I start down a mental path of self pity until he is willing to sleep with me again. We acknowledged this issue in our marriage almost a year ago. My husband and I were in agreement that if he did not make the time to sleep with me at least twice a week I would start to react with negative emotions to him first and then our children. Not that I was being bad, I just wouldn’t do the nice things like breakfast and bed and fixing him snacks in the evening, and if the sex continued to be withheld I would steadily deteriorate till I would emotionally shut off to everyone. I have had personal counseling that has gotten me over the emotional break downs, and I can even often pull myself out of the self pity by focusing on eternity with God and our ultimate purpose in life, but there is still an issue.
My husband for the last 6 months or more has been forcing himself to sleep with me for my emotional good, and though I enjoyed it for a time it just seems wrong now. I am attractive and young and I don’t want him sleeping with me because he has to. I have cut back the sex, not because I don’t want it, but I don’t want it on those terms. I only want to sleep with him if he really wants me, and I wish there was some way to stop being the overly sexually needy partner. I want to be on level playing field when I am intimate with my husband. I don’t know if this is really even worth my emotional time to vent this, I have recently read in Isaiah 54:5 "For your Maker is your husband the Lord Almighty is his name, the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer he is called the God of all the earth." and also verse 6 " The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife who married young only to be rejected."
I married young and from the start I was not what my husband wanted in a wife. He is clearly in love with his hobby and it is his love. You can not ask some one to not love what they love because only God can change their heart, and even if they can produce the outward actions of love to you over the hobby they will still despise you in their heart, and in the end they will make life more difficult for you because you stand between them and their love. So in the end does this not leave me like Israel, they chose the wrong love and left God, i.e. married in their youth, but in the end it was God, their ultimate maker, that would deliver them and care for them, as I must rely on God to ultimately care for me and love me.
This world is not my home, and so I should focus on sharing the love of God with others and praising him rather than trying to make someone love me in the "God ordained way" that does not chose to.
Dear Lora, I can well appreciate your heart in this. It would be GREAT if we could be satisfied with only the Lord. But in reality, that’s not how God designed us to live. Even He recognized that “it’s not good for man to be alone.” And yet He walked with man, so man had the Lord at his side, but God knew that human companionship was needed as well. And if God recognizes this, we should also. Not all of our needs are created by God to be met by Him alone.
I was praying about how to respond to your letter, but there are so many issues you have going on here, that I feel the best way to best address the information you are seeking, would be to recommend a book to you that Pastor Mark Gungor wrote titled, “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage: Unlocking the Secrets to Life, Love and Marriage.” He also has the DVD’s of his seminar available to view by the same title. I can’t recommend them highly enough. They’re both hilarious as well as very practical in the information Pastor Mark shares.
If you go into the “Marriage Enrichment” section of this web site, and go into the Links and Resource Description part of that section, you will find a description of the book and also a link to Pastor Gungor’s ministry at laughyourway.com if you would like the DVD’s.
Pastor Gungor does a great job of addressing every issue you bring up. All of this is so complicated that I truly think you would gain more out of reading what he has to say, rather than my trying to unravel everything here. He’s a much better communicator. We’ve viewed the DVD’s of the seminar with numerous couples in our home and they’ve all raved about the way in which Gungor communicates and explains the differences between how men and women conduct themselves in the marriage relationship — especially in sexual ways. The book is also a great platform for him to explain these concepts. (We’re going to be giving them to couples as part of their wedding gifts — that’s how beneficial we think the book would be for those who marry.) I hope you can obtain one.
(USA) Thank you for your commits. I do agree that God created humans for relationships with each other as well as God, and my husband and I do have a very good Philao(brotherly love) between us. He is one of the persons that makes me laugh the most and the person I most enjoy being around in life. He likes the way I cook, care for the kids, save money, and in general run our home. It is just that i don’t think he is attracted to me. I make a great maid, nanny, and personal assistant. He makes a great friend and father. Most days we are great together until we get up to our room for bed. I am attracted to him, and he is not attracted to me or just doesn’t like to touch me.
I know of the book, Laugh your way to a better marriage" and we also have the seminars in our area. I have already asked my husband to attend one of the ten they offered last year and he was too busy for all of them. We have tried other marriage books like "Love and Respect" and it resulted in many fights with out productivity so we finally gave up on it. I am very limited in the time I have to read and prefer to spend that time in the bible. I do sometimes read Absolute Surrender and books like it, but I find most help books just make our marriage worse.
I know this leaves you with little more you can do for me. I am sorry I am so difficult. I am not the type to refuse this book, but over the last few years I have had just about every help book thrown at me. My mother in law reads just about every Dobson, Leman, McCarther, and such book that is put out and asks me to read all of them. After a few years of this I realized the books were not helping and leaving me feeling helpless. I also believe a lot of them gave poor advice even though they we trying to teach God’s word they some how feel short.
In summary, I don’t think I can get my husband to a seminar and I don’t want to try another self help book.
(USA) Also, you say the book addresses all our issues for Men and Woman. I feel like when they start into sexual issues in Christian classes all the chuckling is about how the men chase after it. I hate having to sit their quietly when it is really my issue not his. I am emberased and I think my husband despises me more for this.
(USA) I have been married for seven years. I was 31 years old when I married my husband and, being the "good little Christian girl," I had saved myself for marriage. Now, I am married to a man who, for whatever reason, won’t have sex with me. I have tried everything; we have talked and talked about our issues and he is really good at telling me what he thinks I want to hear (i.e. finding me very beautiful and sexy, it’s not me it’s him, etc.). What he doesn’t understand is that old saying "talk is cheap." He can tell me anything but his actions speak so much louder than his words. And I am afraid that his actions are telling me that we are just best friends and nothing more.
He is really good at giving me hugs (when I ask for them); he likes to hold my hand. However, he won’t kiss me, unless it’s on my forehead or a quick peck on the lips. And we have had sex once in the last 11 months. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is a wonderful man. He is truly the nicest guy in the world! And sometimes I think about how great he is and I feel so precious to God (I mean, God must think I’m special if he gave me this wonderful man as my husband, right?). But sometimes, I can’t help feeling so angry at God for the situation. I did everything right. At a time when all of my friends and my 3 sisters were out being promiscuous, I managed to do the right thing. I made it through my twenties with my virginity in tact and THIS is my reward?! Being rejected over and over again by the man I saved myself for? It’s like some big cosmic joke that’s not at all funny. I know that I am beginning to grow bitter.
The hardest part is that everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage. My brother is always talking about how he admires our relationship and how he wants what we have someday. And every time he mentions it I just feel like we’re lying to him. I don’t know what else to do. Can you have a sexless marriage and still have a happy marriage at the same time?