So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire.It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And here in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low sex drive is such a problem, said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre, that it’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days, from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless” — young New Yorkers so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex (it could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex). But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized, that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.’”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire — including some antidepressants and some birth control pills — most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to and he may not,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage — and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation; they had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs: Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages, and with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops: the hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,’” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8″ rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
The above article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003, and was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek Mercury News. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other, as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
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(USA) Oh, Jo. I know exactly how you feel. I am younger, and only married for a year, but in pretty much the same situation. It hurts so much. What’s worse in my case is that, although I saved myself for my husband and was a virgin when we married, he was not. It hurts me so much that he was willing to have sex with a past girlfriend and doesn’t want to make love to me, his wife.
I don’t know what to tell you to make the pain go away, but I just wanted to tell you that I know exactly how much pain you are in right now. You have my thoughts and prayers… *hugs*
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I would love to see an article somewhere that discusses, from a Christian perspective, how to really handle this situation. I Cor. 7 is all fine and good, but trust me when I say that if I brought it up to my husband, he would be extremely angry and it would only make the situation worse. People like Jo and I could really use the help.
(USA) Hi Jo, I’ve been praying about what to write you. But it’s such a difficult situation to discuss because there’s no simple response to give you after reading your plea and sensing your frustration, except to say that I’m so sorry. I know this must hurt your heart on so many levels, and I truly grieve with you.
What you are going through in your marriage is so complicated, and yet it’s so real! Many, many people (both men and women alike) are dealing with this. They are mismatched in their sexual drive and it is driving them mad!
You seem confused about the “reward” you received for being a “good little Christian girl” and saving yourself for marriage. I pray you will reconsider blaming it on God. We don’t save ourselves for marriage because we will be rewarded with a great (or even good) sex life afterward, we are to do it because God tells us not to bond ourselves sexually with someone who isn’t our spouse. It causes a soul tie that God intends ONLY to happen in the context of marriage. By saving yourself, you didn’t complicate matters worse. That’s the saving grace in all of this. As difficult as it may seem, it could be worse.
And believe me when I say that even if you had sex with your husband before marriage, it wouldn’t mean that the same pattern would stay as a constant later. I know of MANY men and MANY women that had a very lively sex life with their partner before marriage and had it change abruptly later (sometimes soon after and sometimes longer). There are a variety of reasons for this that are too complicated to get into in this comment section. But I urge you, and also Emily, and others out there that are dealing with this issue, to read a couple of articles we have posted in the “Sexual Issues” section. They may be able to give you a glimpse into this problem. One article is titled “When the Husband Has a Low Sex Drive.” You will find a web site link for another article that is posted on the tail-end of this one, which is titled “Help! My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex.” There is another article titled “Decreased Sexual Desire in a Husband or a Wife.” Those articles may be able to help you a bit to understand things. It doesn’t make it go away, but it helps to understand them a bit and not be in total confusion.
Unfortunately, I’ve looked high and low for articles to post on this subject (because we get so many requests) but my search keeps taking me to dead ends (even so, I’ll keep looking). It’s frustrating because it’s not discussed as it should be. And part of the reason may be because it’s not something that is understood very well. There are a variety of reasons for it occurring and the way to get past it is different in most cases. But one of the main solutions isn’t one that most people want to hear, and that is that if you don’t want to do it, you need to find a way within yourself to do it anyway. It can help you to get past it.
I’m reminded of something that happened years ago (almost 35) which resulted in applying the same principle. Please bear with me because it’s a crude example, but I’ll get to the point afterward. When I was breast-feeding our oldest son (and it happened later with our youngest son also), I developed what was then called Breast Fever. Now I believe it is called Mastitis. I developed a fever and was EXTREMELY sore and sensitive. when I was feeding our son, it’s all I could do to cry out, it hurt so bad. I called the doctor and he told me what it was and he said that actually the best cure was to keep breast feeding even though it hurt so much. He said that it wouldn’t hurt our son and it would help to get this condition to work its way through my system quicker.
It was brutally painful. But eventually, just like the doctor said, it worked. Eventually I was able to feed our son and it didn’t hurt and all was well until he was weened. When it happened again with our youngest son I knew what needed to be done, and I toughed it out and I’m so glad I did. The milk God provided through me nourished our sons and built their immune systems and also bonded us together quicker, I believe, through the time we spent together in this way. It also built up my resolve to persevere through painful times (both physically as well as mentally and emotionally) knowing that sometimes the best way to get through something is to do what hurts the most but in the end, the pain doesn’t last as long and the best result comes about.
I say all of this to say that sometimes when a problem comes between us as husband and wife, we need to “tough it out” and work to serve each other and though we may go through a tough time for a while, in the end, the best result will come about. We need to serve each other as Christ served the church and gave Himself up for her.
Now when it comes to sexual matters, who wants to do that? –especially when “the world” makes sexual issues look like they should come easily and if we have to struggle we should just give up and move on to someone else. Who wants to be the partner “doing it” when you don’t feel compelled to do it? And who wants to be the receiver of the partner who is “toughing it out” with you? Do you see what I mean? It’s all complicated. But from what I’ve read and know from experience (which I don’t want to go into because one of our sons is the web master of this web site), and contrary to what many others may say, there is a physical and spiritual phenomenon that occurs when two people come together to try to as graciously as they can “work things out.” By doing so, they eventually serve one another and bond together all the closer because of and in spite of the tough time they persevered through. One partner has to be gracious in doing what they don’t at first “feel” like doing, and the other partner has to be gracious enough to help them work through it so eventually they get to a better place in their sexual union. I know of several people (and have read of others) who have been through this. Their sexual life together is now terrific!
And even if it wasn’t, isn’t’ God’s grace sufficient to help us to get beyond ourselves and do what is right because God says it is? What about those couples that can’t have sexual relations together because of an accident that occurred to one of them or because of an illness or such? Do they throw their relationship away and their witness of God’s ability to give us the strength to do what we have to do, even if something unfair happens to us?
I know this is different in many ways, because it appears to be a choice your husband is making that comes between making things happen and not; but it’s no less real.
I sure don’t want to minimize the frustration you (and others) are going through. But I want to encourage you NOT to blame God for this. He isn’t “punishing” you for being good. And yes, He can infuse extra testosterone into your husband (and work with wives, where this is happening because the wife doesn’t respond or initiate sexually), but God, for whatever reason that we can’t always understand, hasn’t allowed this to keep happening. He has reasons why he heals one and not another and why he allows suffering, etc. We have to trust His heart that after we get to the other side, we will see clearer, why things happened or didn’t happen a certain way. I pray that you are able to wrestle this out in your spirit to let God be God and to call upon His sustaining power to help you, and prayerfully your husband, to get to a better place sexually with each other.
As far as your husband also refraining from giving you affection as you need it, where he won’t kiss you except on the forehead — something’s wrong here. He may be wonderful in other ways, but there’s some kind of control thing going on and something’s not right. You really need help with that. If your husband won’t go in for counseling, I urge you to still find a good Christian counselor for yourself (who is pro-marriage — you can find some articles we have posted on this in the “Marriage Counseling” section to explain what I mean). There’s a control issue going on that needs to be dealt with, and it sounds like you need help to know how to deal with it (even if he won’t).
I pray that the articles I encouraged you to read and the insights the Lord gives you as you pray with an open heart and mind, will help you with this problem. If you come across something we could post that would help others, please let us know. We keep searching. I pray the Lord helps you, and speaks within you, and speaks within your husband’s heart to work through this issue in as healthy as a manner as possible. May God give you help and hope!
(USA) Hi Cindy, First I just want to thank you for responding to my (and Emily’s) comment. I had never heard of your website before I stumbled across it this morning and I truly feel as though God led me here. You have no idea how much better I feel just having shared a little bit of my heart on this subject and having someone who loves Christ put their hand out. And thanks for reminding me that the reason we Christians do things a certain way is simply because God said so. Believe me, I do know what it is to cry out to God and say, "Lord, I don’t understand but, I trust you."
Thank you for the articles you recommended; I can assure you that, now that I’ve found you, I plan to go over this website from beginning to end looking for any info that might help my situation! As for your suggestion of "toughing it out" and doing it even when you don’t feel like it; I have read of this solution before and even discussed it with my husband. He actually said ok, he would try this. But…nothing ever came of it and I just feel like I shouldn’t have to beg my husband for sex, you know? (Besides, begging wouldn’t do any good; he would still say no and I would feel even worse than I had before the begging began.)
Also, you may be right about there being a control issue at work. You see, my husband is several years older than me (14 years) and he is a retired Police Officer. He has told me many times that most Police Officers are, by definition, control freaks. And I never thought about that before you brought it up but, I suppose that could have some bearing on the situation. I have asked him before if he would be willing to go to counseling with me and he said that he would. At the time I was only half serious but now I wonder if it’s something we should really consider.
Anyway, thank you again, for your concern and for your prayers; I really do appreciate it.
(USA) Emily and Jo, I admire that you have saved yourself for marriage. This is a gift to yourself even more so than your husbands. When you don’t and then there are sexual issues, you can struggle for years blaming everything on yourself. In the struggles I have gone through I have found simple things to be the blame for us not coming together. I had a small series of bumps on my chest and did not realize that they were grossing my husband out. He didn’t want to tell me that he was repulsed by me so he kept telling me I was attractive but was clearly disgusted with me by his actions.
Finally after a half year, he opened up to me and shared this issue and I was able to work through some treatments. Another time he was having pain associated with sex and again would not tell me. It sounds like what you are going through is much more complicated than this because he is withholding kissing.
In the end I just wanted to let you know that you are on my heart. These last few months I have been going up to visit a widow lady from our church who is unable to leave her house. Reaching out to her has helped me a lot. When she talks of her deceased husband I appreciate my own so much more. As she struggles to see and hear, I learn to praise God for the simple things in my life. Lastly in a recent Sunday school class they pointed out that some wives take a more holy than you stance with their husbands. Not that you are doing this, but that was an issue that really turned my husband off from me, and I did not realize I was doing it.
(USA) Hi Cindy and Lora… Thanks for responding to Jo’s, and my, comments. You’ve given me a lot to think about.
I stumbled across this website yesterday in the depths of my frustration. I’d never visited this site before, so apparently God was leading me here too. I’ll keep reading the resources on this site to try to get some ideas about how to handle this painful situation. Thanks again
(USA) Emily, I am happy to hear that God is helping you. He certainly helped me by bringing me to this web site as well. Don’t give up, this is a slow battle. I have been at it for years, and there are some very low points but God can a will bring you through them if you keep looking towards him.
(USA) Thank you all so much for this. I am so happy I am not alone! I have talked openly, tried to talk to my husband, and I get no where. This struck a cord with me Jeni // Oct 9, 2007 at 2:00 am. You have put my feelings into word better then I myself could have! Now what to do with this information is up to me and when do we say enough is enough; I have needs too!
(USA) I wish I had a wife that wanted sex more often. We have sex every 6 to 8 weeks. I want more but she doesn’t even what it that often. You gals that are married to guys who don’t want sex sounds crazy to me.
(USA) Cindy Wright, I have been able to reserve the book, Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, at the library. I know my husband would have had an issue if I had spent money on it, but will be okay with this. I do not think he will read the book, or participate in it with me. Will this prove productive to me with out his participation? Are there specific chapters for me to play closest attention to. I am a very slow reader.
Hi Lora, I’m so glad you were able to obtain this book. As far as what chapters to read, I would just enjoy reading every one of them. You may be a slow reader, but Pastor Gungor is a great communicator and humorous as well. I think you’ll benefit from, and enjoy reading every part of it.
I’m so sorry that your husband wouldn’t read the book. I’m sure he’d benefit as well. The DVD’s of his seminar are great as well! We’ve viewed them at least a dozen times with different friends that we invite over. I couldn’t imagine anyone (whether Christian or not, NOT enjoying them), but some people feel threatened or oppose even the idea of reading or viewing a seminar because they think they’ll be bored (or will be convicted).
Even if just one of you reads material that Pastor Gungor writes, you could still benefit. Plus, learning while you’re being entertained is the best kind of education there is. Enjoy!!!