So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire.It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And here in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low sex drive is such a problem, said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre, that it’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days, from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless” — young New Yorkers so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex (it could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex). But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized, that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.’”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire — including some antidepressants and some birth control pills — most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to and he may not,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage — and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation; they had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs: Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages, and with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops: the hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,’” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8″ rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
The above article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003, and was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek Mercury News. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other, as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
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(USA) Hi Lora, I’m so glad you were able to obtain this book. As far as what chapters to read, I would just enjoy reading every one of them. You may be a slow reader, but Pastor Gungor is a great communicator and humorous as well. I think you’ll benefit from, and enjoy reading every part of it.
I’m so sorry that your husband wouldn’t read the book. I’m sure he’d benefit as well. The DVD’s of his seminar are great as well! We’ve viewed them at least a dozen times with different friends that we invite over. I couldn’t imagine anyone (whether Christian or not, NOT enjoying them), but some people feel threatened or oppose even the idea of reading or viewing a seminar because they think they’ll be bored (or will be convicted).
Even if just one of you reads material that Pastor Gungor writes, you could still benefit. Plus, learning while you’re being entertained is the best kind of education there is. Enjoy!!!
(USA) Just a quick note on Christians who don’t/won’t consider materials or DVD’s written by other Christians – the one I hear a lot from my circle of Christian friends that don’t entertain the notion of looking at other materials is that it’s "worldly" or "tainted" because another human wrote it. But then these are the same people (usually men) who have no problem referring people to articles they have written.
I find this small-minded, personally. I try not to take that view point. I always pray for discernment so that whatever I get can be sifted, by God, to me by the time I’m viewing it or reading it.
You can’t make others read or view outside Christian materials if they aren’t interested but, like Cindy says, it doesn’t mean that you won’t benefit if you take advantage of the materials. Don’t let other peoples’ views taint yours. Let God be your guide. With love, LT
(USA) Cindy, Thank you for the service you are providing to the body of believers. It is often helpful, as evidenced in the comments above, to share our hurts and concerns with others who understand them and know that we will be exhorted in a loving, biblical manner.
My wife and I have been married for nearly nine years. After the birth of our daughter (she’s 7 today!), my wife struggled with low desire. I took it very personally, and at one point, the problem nearly killed our marriage. Only a prayerful, loving approach to the issue helped us to heal. Soon, we were wanting another child. After a miscarriage, we were successful in bringing a son into our family. It took us a while to get pregnant that time around, and success was regular (if sometimes obligingly dutiful.)
My wife has very difficult first trimesters. With our son, she was bedridden and on IV fluids for more than two months. Once the second trimester hit, however, she was feeling great and was very desirous of me. Unfortunately, due to some complications, we stopped having sex two months prior to his birth. It would be nearly two-and-a-half years before we had sex again.
The complications were many: c-section recovery, severe back and hip pain on her part (due to spinal implementation she had as a teenager), money stress and once again, low desire on her part.
Unfortunately I, however, don’t have this problem. I’m like a 15-year-old trapped in a 38-year-old body. I don’t have unrealistic expectations for our sex life, but I do feel the need to unite with my wife in a God-given act that bonds us closer, brings us closer to Him and protects us from the temptations of the outside world. I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t always dealt with this issue with the grace and patience which God has afforded us.
Last December, my wife finally saw her physician and got testosterone injections to boost her desire. For several months, we had a sex life again! Often our timing was bad, like I would be out of town on work when her desire was the highest, but we were closer and more intimate than we had been in years!
The enemy however, reared his ugly head. My wife started homeschooling our daughter and, around the same time, dealing with the myriad issues of her aging, ill and financially-strapped parents. They were here so often, that our son thought this was their "home." The stress of their situation, literally coming into our home, our own financial struggles, my 120-hour work weeks of late (we’re self-employed — it’s working toward a goal) and the return of her back pain have resulted again in a sexless marriage. It’s been about four months now.
I know that I should rejoice in my sufferings as they lead to perseverance, character and hope, but this one issue is a point of weakness for me. The enemy and my own self-doubt and unbelief compound themselves into my believing that I am the cause of the problem; or worse yet, that no matter the cause this is just the way our marriage will always be.
Let me stress here that we have a very loving marriage. We flirt, we tease, we are very bothered by any night that doesn’t include our requisite hour or two of snuggling together on the sofa before bed. But the affection is often one-sided. I kiss her often, am careful to let her know how beautiful I think she is and never let a day go by when I don’t tell her how crazy I am about her. She flirts back, but rarely initiates. Whereas I may express physical affection toward her several times a day — kisses, caresses, playing with her hair or massaging her legs and feet at night — I’m lucky if she reciprocates once or twice a week. The physicality of our snuggling I think speaks volumes — me facing her, her facing away.
Here is my conundrum: if I am to love my wife as Christ loved the church, meaning that I should die to my own selfish desires and put her needs above my own, but she is to not deprive me and recognize that her body is no longer her own, how do we reconcile the two? What is it to be? Do I suffer out of honor and respect for her pain, stress and lack of desire? Or is she to submit her body, despite her own misgivings, to my desires? It’s a fine irony Paul has presented us. Now how to make sense of it?
(USA) I have found that dying to your self is more about the Holy Spirit filling you with contentment in an area that human nature would not allow you to be content in before. i.e. when I thought I could not be happy in life with out sex but I gave up my selfish desire for sex, God suddenly removed the empty anger I was filled with every time my husband rejected me.
It does not make my husband right, and I have spoken with him about the issue. There comes a point when it is no longer in my control, it is in God’s hands and by letting him have my desires he can supernaturally through the Holy Spirit, bring a peace in your spirit.
Do the books, do the counseling. But know that the Holy Spirit can make you content no mater what life is set for you.
I am no expert, I am young and foolish so look to Cindy for the best advice. I just felt this on my heart to share.
(UNITED STATES) I, like many others, just happened upon this website. My husband and I have been married for 9 years. I am struggling in my marriage with a mismatched sex drive. While how often we make love is considered normal (once or twice a week) I would like to have that connection every day if I could. I have to be honest, my husband and I did have premarital sex. I also must say, that while I am a Christian, my husband is not. He decided after we got married that he was an agnostic.
My issue is this . . .I believe that my husband has a high sex drive, it just isn’t directed toward me. My husband, I believe, is struggling with a porn addiction. We have sought counseling, and it seems that nothing ever helps. He has even admitted, that he may have a "little" problem. I have been through all of the emotions; jealousy, sadness, anger and even have felt that I must "compete" with the images to be better. I have actual, physical pain in my heart from this. I am crushed that this has happened to me. I feel that I am being punished by God for having premarital sex. I really don’t know where to go from here. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
(USA) Hi Lora, Thanks for your comments. They come from experience and that is always more helpful than “untested” advice. God has given you wisdom and we appreciate your sharing it with us.
Wayne, I’m so sorry that you and your wife have been going through such a difficult time in bonding together in this special way. It’s almost like the “Perfect Storm” scenario. For that “season” many stormy situations raged against you. That doesn’t mean that it will always be this way (even though it may seem like it). Most couples go through those times. We have, and it was difficult when it happened (many different times). And who knows what the future will bring?
The only real advice I can give you is for both of you to sincerely pray that God will help you to each “consider the other” as the Bible talks about. Your wife is struggling with various health, hormonal and circumstantial issues, and you are struggling with work, her issues as well as circumstantial, and trying to be patient. It’s difficult for each of you. Her needs are very real and your needs are very real. Neither of you should consider your own needs as more important than the others. You both need to be considerate and giving about this.
But when you ask the Holy Spirit, with all sincerity, to help you to serve and consider the other, it goes into the fore-front of your mind and before the throne of God and the Lord shows you windows of opportunities to bond in various ways, as you stay alert. You need to give some and your wife needs to give some, and you both need to be intentional about it and sensitive to each others circumstances. Just don’t close down to the other persons needs. As you keep praying, and asking the Lord for help, He will show both of you how to do this and when you can come together.
My heart goes out to you. I pray that God will help you to be strong and help you to be faithful — guarding your heart, no matter what happens (or doesn’t happen). This is a time when Christ can come out in how you serve the needs of your wife, and the same is true for her. There are ways to make the necessary adjustments to bring you together in physical intimacy as well as emotional and spiritual intimacy. I pray God will show you. I encourage you both to pray for each other and try to draw closer to each other as a support system. Don’t allow the enemy of our faith to distance you as marital partners. Be intentional in coming together in supportive ways.
Please know that Steve and I (and many others, I’m sure) will lift you up in prayer. May God bless you both.
(USA) Cindy, I finished my reading of the book Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage. It was interesting. I was very surprised by 2 parts of the books.
1. His recommendations for strong woman to forcible civilize their men. Ie.. Kick their husbands out if they are staying out late, or involved in inappropriate internet things. And with the intent of saving the marriage not ending it.
2. His interpretation of the old testament law for divorce, and how Jesus interpreted it. He seemed to say that it is when one party is not longer vested in the marriage in any way that a divorce was allowed because of the hardening of their heart. This is very different that the standard baptist rule that divorce is only allowed in cases of infidelity.
I wanted to know if you feel like I am interpreting these parts of the book correctly and if you agree with them?
(USA) Dear Lora, I apologize that it has taken me so long to respond to your comment. We were out of town attending a Marriage and Family Conference and just got back so I am now trying to get caught up on things that piled up while we were at the conference.
I also need to apologize for recommending a book to you when I haven’t read it personally. I’ve attended Pastor Gungor’s Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage Seminar and have viewed the DVD’s for the seminar a dozen times or so. My husband and I have thoroughly enjoyed them. I felt confident from viewing them that the material would be much the same except in written form. Now that I’ve read your comment, I’m uncertain. I’m sorry. As with all human advice, always hold it up to the scriptures and glean what is right and what can help in Truth and throw away the rest. No human being is infallible, only God is.
I have to confess that I really can’t answer your questions as to whether you are interpreting these parts of the book correctly or not — although your comments have prompted me to read the book now, to see if I veiw what he has written the same way. (Unfortunately that will take me some time because I have a HUGE stack of books to read and am trying to get through them as quickly as I can.)
To answer your questions, I would encourage you to personally write Pastor Gungor. He has a “Contact Us” section on his web site where you can write him. His web site can be found at http://www.laughyourway.com. These would be good questions to write him. It would be interesting to know how he would respond. If you do write him, could you please let us know what he says? We would like to know as well. We would want to know if we should still be recommending the book.
As for your first point, I’m not sure of Pastor Gungor’s exact take on women being “strong” to forcibly “civilize” men, as you say he writes in the book. But I have to say that I believe that too often women (and some men) step back and allow unacceptable behavior when they should actually be stepping forward to prompt a change, with the leading of the Holy Spirit and the strength and control of the Lord. Being meek, (as the Bible says that the meek will inherit the earth in Matthew 5:5) doesn’t mean being weak. It means strength under control. There is a difference. You saw that in Jesus. He knew when it was appropriate to be silent and when it was the right time to say what needed to be said to the glory of God. He knew when He was to prompt a change and when He was to suffer in silence to the glory of God.
I believe this is true for us as women, with the Lord as our guide. There are times when we are to refrain from speaking about a matter — letting the Holy Spirit talk to our husband’s hearts instead. I also believe there are times when we are to “speak the truth in love.” It is the leading of the Holy Spirit that will tell us what we are to do as we keep calling upon Him. But in all of this we are to be strong in doing what we know God would have us do.
We have an article in the “Save My Marriage” section titled “Why Doesn’t My Spouse Change? Functional Fixedness” that I recommend that you read. What I’ve seen is that sometimes a spouse will keep doing things a certain way because it has worked for him or her in the past. He or she doesn’t see any reason to change (even if the change should be made). I believe that there are times when we could do more to move their position along so we are more in partnership rather than allowing him or her to be caught up in selfism.
But it must be done by the leading of the Spirit for it to truly work. When one spouse is fixed on doing things a certain way even if it hurts the other spouse, that is when the offended spouse should pray and ask the Lord what can and should be done. You saw Queen Esther do this in the Bible with her husband. Her prayer and preparation time was extensive, but it worked. You saw Deborah do this with the situation her people were doing. God gave them the strength and leading to do what needed to be done to cause change.
As women, we may not be the head of the home, but we seem to be the neck that can often turn the head in the direction we believe it should go. God has given us this wonderful ability. This isn’t always the way things work because there are some stiff-necked men out there (sometimes they are stiff-necked for a season — other times for longer). God has given them a free will, just as He has given us one. But there are also some women who turn the head when they shouldn’t. We see that with Eve in the Garden and Sarah influencing Abraham to sleep with her maid servant because she didn’t see results fast enough. Pray that God will show you when you are and when you aren’t supposed to be the one who initiates the “turning.”
Whatever the case, we need to ask the Lord what we are to do in each situation. Strength under control of the Holy Spirit is a good thing; strength out of control is damaging. We just need to be aware and alert and willing to do what God asks of us even if it hurts. He sometimes has a plan in this as well.
The strength that Mark Gungor brought out in the seminars, that his wife displayed in their marriage, has been right on, from what I’ve interpreted. She’s used her influence in ways that motivated him as a husband not to be doing things as a solo act. It’s brought out the best in him and has benefited their marriage and partnership. I’m not sure what he’s written in the book so I can’t address that.
But I challenge you to prayerfully consider what God would have you do about this situation with your husband. Are you to graciously do more to move him beyond his “fixedness” or are you to keep leaning upon the Lord for strength to go through what you are (for a season or beyond)?
One of the things I picked up at the seminar this weekend was something one of the speakers said, “Everything our spouse does to us gives God the opportunity to root out the sin within us.” I see this to be true. There are times when my husband Steve is doing what he should, and times when he is doing what I believe he shouldn’t. (The same is unfortunately true with me.) But no matter what, I can learn something — and sometimes I learn just how “un-Christlike” I can be in my attitude and/or my actions. That doesn’t mean as his partner that I don’t say what I should (or refrain from saying what I shouldn’t) but it’s important that I participate in the Kingdom work that God wants to do in me, around me, and through me in all that comes into my life.
As far as addressing your second question, I really don’t know what Pastor Gungor wrote that is making you believe that he interprets divorce in a lighter manner. That subject didn’t even come up in the seminar. But I can tell you that my own position is the same as the article we have posted in the “Separation and Divorce” section. It is titled, “Scriptures on Divorce.”
I always point people to the scriptures and tell them to pray about their situation. If they believe their situation lines up scripturally AND they have prayed and feel God is showing them that they have His permission, then that is between them and God. I can’t question it unless God prompts me. But as I tell them… just because you CAN divorce, as laid out in the scriptures, it doesn’t mean that you SHOULD. Sometimes God wants to, and can perform a miracle in even the worst of marriage situations. But if we are unwilling to participate, then the blessing is lost. However, the Holy Spirit will reveal that to them. I’m not their Holy Spirit.
I hope this clears up some of your questions. It’s difficult to address them in this format because it really takes more of a dialog. But what it comes down to is that this is a very, very complex issue with many different reasons why it is happening. Some explanations can occur now or later, and others are beyond explaining this side of heaven. But no matter what, I know that God’s grace is sufficient. I also know that things may be one way one day and completely different another. We should never underestimate the miracles that God can bring about.
I believe that we are to keep petitioning the Lord to help us to do what is right, and to learn what we should, and to participate with His Kingdom work even if it hurts us. “Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.” “My hope is in the Lord” — not in what I see immediately in front of me.
I pray this helps in some way. I have to say that I love your heart Lora. You seem to want to do all you can to fit in with the Lord’s way of doing things. I pray the Lord will give you the delight of your heart and will lead you to make the best of this difficult situation. I pray you never give up hope. May God bless you abundantly!
(USA) Cindy, I don’t think I would have phrased the questions the way I did if I knew you had not read the book. Unfortunately I had already returned the book to the library before I emailed you. I do not have the pages with the quote, and I put my questions in an extreme case interpretation because I wanted to see how much you supported the suptle undertones I detected in the book. Most of the book is very basic funny talk on marriage from a very biblical perspective, and I believe he is correct to a point on both of these issues, for reasons you have stated in your email above.
My husband is not close to either of the extreme cases I wrote about. In fact our marriage has been going very well for the last several weeks. And in church two weeks ago God convicted me that in all the good marriage I know of there are always some really big issues that the world would see as reason for divorce.
1. My sister has a husband who requests they don’t attend Sunday church, and though they have served as missionaries and attend Bible studies weekly, I know this was one of the most dear things to her.
2. My Grandmother in her late 80’s has lived her whole married life to a man that made her nervous to have company over and to call others, she still doesn’t fell comfortable calling her own daughters.
3. My other grandmother is married to a man that has studied the word of God for over 70 years and is still not at peace with God.
4. My mother and mother in law both control their husbands.
5. My sister in law has a husband that at one point was traveling all the time, and even kept his business phone active all hours of the night.
I give these examples not because I view these as bad marriages, but in fact the opposite, these were the marriages I was jealous of. It took God bringing this to my mind 2 weeks ago to help me be content that I have a good marriage. It is just that the world does not seem to agree on what a good marriage is anymore. I am happy to come to this web site because I difficult days in our marriage. I come here and know there are other woman going through a similar marriage problem that I am going through.
I am always praying to see God improve my marriage, for both my husband and my own good. I am working actively towards motivating him to do what I want, and I am okay with my husband motivating me to do what he wants.
Cindy, I will not write Mark Gunger without the book to quote exact pages. I don’t think it would be of any profit. I am sorry if I caused problems. When you do get around to reading it, please post your commits so I can read them.
(UNITED STATES) What do some of you mean by saying having sex brings you closer to "Him"? I know that means God, but that is just weird. Having sex doesn’t bring you closer to God. Aren’t Nuns devoting their lives to God, and they don’t have sex? You can become closer to God by a number of things, but I think God would like to be left out of peoples sex lives. That just doesn’t make any sense, sorry.