So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire.It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And here in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low sex drive is such a problem, said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre, that it’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days, from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless” — young New Yorkers so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex (it could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex). But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized, that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.’”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire — including some antidepressants and some birth control pills — most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to and he may not,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage — and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation; they had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs: Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages, and with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops: the hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,’” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8″ rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
The above article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003, and was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek Mercury News. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other, as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
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(USA) I don’t think God wants to be left out of our sex lives. After all, it was God who invented sex, so I think he not only knows a thing or two about it, but since it was him that created sex and instructed us to enjoy sex in the boundaries of marriage, God should be the CENTER of one’s sex life.
I certainly don’t think sex is the only way to get to know God. But I don’t think we can dismiss the author and creator of sex as not being interested in our sex lives. I’m pretty sure that since God even devoted an entire book of the Bible to sex, he doesn’t want to be left out of the picture.
Much of scripture is devoted to sex. Not just rules against it, but encouragement for husbands and wives to enjoy sex (Song of Songs) as well as admonishment not to reject sex unless it’s a mutual decision, and then only for a short time for prayer and fasting.
So I’d say God is VERY interested in couples having a healthy and enjoyable sex life. If God had no interest in sex, why would He have rules about sex?
God is VERY interested in sex. It’s the means He uses to create people, and God loves people.
(UNITED STATES) Then we come to the question, who really wrote The Bible? Who wrote all these rules that all of humankind must abide by and obey? People chose what they abide by. They pick a snippet here to live by, and a snippet there. Nobody honors it page by page. Is "our" Religion the only "true religion"? Is there no Buddha? Is there no Allah? How can we be so sure that the whole world revolves around this one book written by a mere human/or group of them?
(USA) Hi Tori, You pose some very good questions in both of the postings you have in this comment section. I can well understand why you would ask such questions and make such statements. Years ago, before I had a personal experience which led to a one-on-one relationship with God through Jesus Christ, those would have been my questions and my statements. But I’ve since learned different. And I encourage you to keep asking and exploring.
There is so much that I could write and pose to you and we could go back and forth (if you desired and I felt led) on debating these issues, but I need to say that this web site is not the forum for it. This is a web site for those who are seeking to “reveal the heart of Christ within marriage.” It’s not that we wouldn’t want to explore these spiritual questions with you. I truly wish we had the staff and time to debate issues and questions such as you pose above. They are very viable and good questions. But I have to say that as much as I wish we could, we just aren’t able to do so — although, we welcome others to do so if they feel led.
However, I would like to point you to a few options on this web site that could lead you to sources that CAN debate and dedicate their energies to discussing these matters. On the upper right corner of the web site, on each page, there is a blue box that says, “Seeking Direction? Purpose? Hope? Find it Now.” If you click into that link it will lead you to other web sites that DO discuss issues such as you pose on this web site, if you are inclined to do so.
Also, if you go into the section titled, “Spiritual Matters” and click into the “Links and Resource Descriptions” you will find a number of other ministries that can help you as well to further explore your questions and comments. The one I especially would encourage you to explore is the Zactrust web site (we provide a link to it there). There is an additional one at http://www.rzim.org that can help as well.
Marriage Missions just can’t do it all. We feel our mission on this web site is to help those who want to “reveal the heart of Christ within marriage” –which keeps us PLENTY busy. We work on marriage issues in that context. We just can’t do much more than we are doing, to help you to wisely explore the issues you bring up (because they aren’t so much marriage questions as they are questions about the Christian faith and the stands we make). But the ministries we point out can, and will be able to help you in these areas. You’ve posed some good questions and make some good points that should be explored by those who are puzzled. I’ve been there before so I can well understand why you would be curious and would question the stands we make. I hope you will contact these ministries. I believe they could help you more than we could.
(UNITED STATES) Cindy-Thanks for the thoughtful comment. I’m in no way searching for the help of others. I just thought it was interesting that someone said having sex with your spouse brings you closer to God. There are numerous things that bring you close to God, this not being one of them.
The Lord doesn’t want to know when you’re getting nailed, there’s a war going on for Christ’s sake. I do believe in God. What will the ministry do for me? lol I am a firm believer that there is in fact a God, or a few of them. Maybe Buddha and God are buddies, who really knows here on Earth. I just know that religion, scripture, and teachings aren’t carried out correctly by 99.9% of those who do the preaching, therefore I only listen to the little voice in my own head and heart.
God gave us our own brains for good reason, so we can use them, to figure these things out on our own, and stop pestering him with our sex problems. lol Watch the news sometime, a lot of these preachers are creeps. The last thing I need or you need is to listen to them. I don’t want to listen to anybody in charge of a church that allows a Tim Horton’s coffee and donut stand to be built inside the worshiping area (Yes, our preachers have allowed that to happen too). Who’s the church going to buddy-up with next, Pepsi or Coke?
People are complaining about their relationships, and asking God to make their spouse have sex with them. I find this a bit absurd, I’m sorry to say. But you have to listen to your own inner guide and figure it out on your own. Get a divorce, find someone who will actually make you happy. Life is about standing against the wind, but it is also about finding the means to make your world a happy place because life is much much much too short. We can’t live every moment trying to live up to God, Jesus, or Saints. We are human. The children of Adam and Eve, the sinners, right? We are bound to be faulty.
It also doesn’t seem right that you can only talk about sex within marriage here. Granted that is the purpose of this particular site, but think of the greater good when someone seeks help here. I know someone here asked about help with a boyfriend, and no one could give any advice since they weren’t married. I was going to ask a question here, but since I am not married to my boyfriend I will probably be shunned, and sent to live amongst the lepors.
Does God care about your marriage license? He didn’t sign it. A mere mortal did. You guys are trying to live up to God, carry out God’s work, but I think God and Jesus would have listened and gave advice no matter who is was. They know our hearts and minds, not legal documents.
I wish everyone here the luck and answers they are seeking. But if you’re reading this remember, don’t waste your life away trying to save a marriage just because you said vows in front of a guy with a funny little robe. God would prefer you to be happy, I assure you.
(USA) Hi Tori, I sure wouldn’t want you to feel like you are or will be “shunned and sent to live amongst the lepers.” Sometimes this web site is very busy, and other times things are quieter, and sometimes a letter will be answered by some, and other times it won’t be. It isn’t a matter of shunning, but for many, many different reasons — busyness, being one of them. That is a part of life.
I’m sorry if I implied you are “searching for the help of others” when you say you aren’t. My intention was to direct you to someone who could best answer the questions you posed. I’m sorry if I offended you — that was not my intention.
You bring up a myriad of different points that I could address, but I need to be brief. As far as what God is able to concentrate on, or “wants to know”, I just need to say that God isn’t limited by human constraints. He is big enough to be involved in that which is of world-wide concern, and that which concerns just one person, and also the care of the smallest sparrow (according to scriptures), so yes, He DOES care about all that goes on — even sexual issues being dealt with in ways that He intends.
Also, as far as answering your questions concerning issues for those who aren’t married, this web site makes no apologies for being called “MARRIAGE Mission.” We concentrate on those that are married or are considering marriage for many reasons that would be too long to explain.
It’s not that we don’t care about what the person who is unmarried goes through, we just can’t stretch ourselves so thin as to try to do it all. We spend an enormous amount of personal time, strength, and resources trying to do all we can to help others. We just don’t feel we can learn all that would be needed, on both the marriage front as well as the dating one, and minister with as much impact as we feel we should. We believe that the Lord has let us see this and moves us in this direction.
Tori, you seem to be a great gal. I truly wish you well. There are a few web sites that might be able to answer your questions on issues concerning you and your boyfriend, if you want to pose them to them, but that is up to you. http://www.troubledwith.com, and http://www.boundless.org would be ones that I’d recommend. I hope all is well with you and that your questions are answered by the best!
(UNITED STATES) Thanks again for a very thoughtful comment Cindy. I am in no way trying to take up the space and time of people here. And I realize that I am on a Marriage Mission board ranting away at what goes on in my little head lol and for that I sincerely apologize. I do think what you all are trying to do here is great, helping people in their sacred vows to find the right paths, and reasoning to press on through hard times within the sanctity of marriage.
I wish all of you the best of luck finding answers to your questions, and finding solutions to your problems.
I’m sure you’ve been a great help to many people Cindy, you seem a very thoughtful woman. I will check out those sites sometime to see what they’re all about, and maybe I can pester them with loads of questions
I have to say I am a bit curious though, as to what led you to a one-on-one relationship with God. As I do believe in God, and wish for one day that the cosmic powers of the universe will enlighten me and let me know 110% He’s there you know?
Well, have a wonderful weekend, and thanks again.
(USA) I have been married now for 25 years. My wife and I have struggled sexually for many years. In the early years of our marriage I became very frustrated to the point of anger. I suggested we seek counseling, reading Christian marriage books and/or even going to our Pastor.
Prior to us marrying, my wife was sexually assaulted, she comes from a very dysfunctional family, as well as being adopted. I have been the one in our marriage to continually initiate intimacy; to the point it has caused too much pressure for her. Over 10 years ago, I confessed my own anger issues to the Lord and to her with complete healing. Still, our sex life suffers.
It was 5 years ago that my wife left, had an affair, and her life spiraled out of control. By the grace of God she turned from sin, we restored our marriage, and both entered counseling. God has transformed our lives, and our marriage, yet still our physical intimacy suffers. She will not go back to counseling saying that she doesn’t need it any longer. She also said she isn’t attracted to me but loves and cares for me.
My frustration still is there, although now it’s more sadness than anger. I have asked if she would go with me to get help but she refuses, saying I need to be content and thankful for God’s blessings that we have. We have come so far but I know this is not what God desires.
I have tried not to say anything but every so often I bring it up again in a loving way but it only makes things worse. It always comes back to me that I am being selfish. I continue to pray that God will open her eyes and also open mine for greater understanding. What do you suggest I do, if anything?
(USA) Warren, I was surprised that Cindy had not written you back yet. The situation you are in does seem so sad. I wanted you to know there are others that care for you and the situation you are in. My close friend who sent me to this web site was sexually and physically abused as a child. My friend and her husband have worked through many issues in the last 15 years and stayed married. Because of my friends experiences she has been better able to encourage me in my marriage. Does your wife have a female friend she can share these burdens with?
(USA) Hi Warren, I’m sorry I didn’t address your question earlier. I was hoping that someone else would be able to give you suggestions. (But Lora kind of pushed me forward a bit, for which I’m thankful… I believe the Lord had a hand in this.) Yet I have to be honest with you that I don’t have a simple answer for you.
First off, I rejoice with you that you and your wife have worked through so many difficult issues. You are so much further along than many, many couples. Praise God you worked through what you did and came out on the better end!
But as you are experiencing, that doesn’t mean that there can’t still be some “embers” burning below the surface, even so. And unfortunately, they can erupt into a full-forced negative fire if they aren’t dealt with properly.
I have to say that the issue you bring up is really tough. I truly sympathize with you (and my husband can especially relate). I can relate on a different level because like your wife, I had sexual issues from my past that caused all kinds of problems after we married. Unfortunately, like your wife, I put my head in the sand and figured my husband would just have to find a way to “deal with it” because I fooled myself into thinking that it was more of his problem than mine — I could live without sexual intimacy, why couldn’t he? I didn’t see the importance, and for that reason, my husband suffered greatly with so many questions, urges, trying to deal with those urges, etc. When I think of how unfair this was to him, I’m ashamed of the depth of my insensitivity.
Sure, I had “ghosts” in my past that led to a lot of my/our struggles. And they were very painful ones to face. But I now see that I needed to face and properly deal with them because they caused more problems in the long-run when I didn’t make it my mission to find healing in this area. My husband ended up being victimized many years afterward by those that victimized me because I didn’t go further to get the healing I needed.
It seemed that as long as I didn’t have to deal with my husband’s need to be sexually intimate, I was and we were… “fine.” At least that’s how I saw it. But that’s not reality. I didn’t recognize the importance that it was to my husband. I down-played his urges and sadly, even shamed him at times because I felt that he was just “too sexual” and needed to be in better “control” of these urges, which seemed excessive to me. Because I didn’t hold the same importance on these matters, in my thinking, I figured he shouldn’t. (I was thinking very much like most females think… but my husband isn’t female.) By withholding myself from him in this way, I was denying who he was, and is, and how God designed him.
Sure, there are times we all have to practice restraint, but I took it way too far. I projected my ways to be that which he should embrace, and that was wrong. I am truly sorry that it took me so long to recognize this to deal with it.
It took me a number of years into our marriage before the Lord started to little-by-little get through to me that I was wrong. My husband tried to be patient with me (sometimes though, his patience ran pretty thin). He tried to be more understanding and tried to deny himself and often wondered why he couldn’t live without us being closer to each other in this aspect of our marriage. When I think of the struggles I put him through, I feel so sad for him.
I thank God that he remained faithful to me and truly tried to work on himself, rather than leaving me. I know he was tempted at times because the enemy of our faith sure works over-time when there is an area of weakness in our marriage.
I’m also thankful that I didn’t end up in an affair myself. I’ve seen women do this (I have a relative whose wife did this). They had sex before marriage and yet after they were married, she withdrew because of her past coming up to haunt her. She ended up having an affair and it threw him off-guard. How could she do this and deny him? They weren’t Christians so they didn’t work to keep the marriage together. It was tragic all the way around.
As far as why a woman would be sexual one time and not the next and then be sexual with someone else — I can’t really explain. Your wife SAYS it’s because she’s not “attracted” to you. I’m not so sure, but I don’t know for sure. The mind is a complicated thing. When it gets messed with (as your wife’s mind was messed with because of her past) reasoning can get jumbled. What is up appears to be down and visa versa.
But God can bring wholeness to our thinking and help us to live beyond our own reasoning to see things as God and others see them (as well as how we see SHOULD them). He did that for me and others I know, so I know this is possible. Please don’t give up hope that God can help you and your wife through this confusing and sad time. It’s amazing what He can do. But sometimes we just have to persevere past our timetable and accept things the way they are for the time.
Warren, I have to say that I don’t really have much advice for you that will change things right now. I can tell you that eventually God got through to me (so I know He can get through to your wife). I’m sure much of it is because my husband Steve kept praying for me and because I keep reaching to be all God created me to be, so it was inevitable that He wouldn’t let me go without addressing this cancerous situation in my heart. I was in complete denial as to the harm it was causing on so many levels. God knew this and worked on me until I couldn’t deny what He was revealing to me. If I would have stayed in denial, I would have stunted my growth.
Thank God, I responded to what God was showing me as I should have. But by the grace of God, we would still be struggling in this area — which we aren’t. God has blessed our sexual life in wonderful ways!
My husband Steve has been extremely busy, but he told me that he is going to make a point of trying to write something to you as well. I will let him minister from a man’s standpoint. But I want to impress upon you to guard your heart. Your wife doesn’t realize it, but she is leaving you in a very vulnerable spot in your life. She may not realize this, but the enemy of our faith does, so be on the alert! He will keep working on you to cause problems.
We have articles on this web site that tell you how to put “hedges” and boundaries up so you aren’t as tempted to fall, despite the weaker areas of your life. Please read them. Remain faithful, despite all that is going on inside of you. This is between you and God — don’t allow yourself to fall no matter what is happening (or isn’t happening) in your marriage. Be a man of integrity. Integrity is doing what is right, even when no one (but God) is looking.
Also, know that things can turn around on a dime sometimes. It may be something your wife reads, or a speaker she hears, or someone else or God Himself, who speaks to her heart to help her come to realize that she needs to deal properly with her lack of desire for being intimate with you. The Bible tells us not to deny each other except for times of prayer, so the fact that she is denying you, says that there is an area of her life that she needs to work on with God. I pray that your wife opens her eyes sooner rather than later. But all the same, stay true to who God created you to be. Don’t allow yourself to fall.
Lora asked you a good question. “Does your wife have a female friend she can share these burdens with?” But I take it a step further, does she have a female friend that is wise that she could talk to, or WILL talk to? Not every friend will respond in a way that is truly best and wise. I’ve found this to be true. Many “friends” don’t give good advice. Their motives may be pure, but their advise isn’t.
But if I had a friend that shared with me the things you mention in your comment, I would first cry with her because of the past (and possibly present) circumstances that brought her to this place. She has been severely traumatized to the point that it is effecting her even today and that is truly sad. But as difficult as that is, I would then be honest and tell her that she really needs to work on her issues. I would be that kind of a friend to her. I would hurt with her, but I would also be firm with her as well. Anything that comes between us as husband and wife that builds a wedge, needs to be dealt with. It needs to be our mission. And the sexual area is as important as any.
Pray for her. Keep asking God for wisdom. Guard your heart. Ask God to help you to continue to be a man of character, integrity, and strength no matter what happens. Love your wife. Don’t let the enemy of our faith use this to build a wedge between you to the point that it causes the downfall of your marriage.
You may want to view your wife as having a silent type of cancer in her that she isn’t even aware of. If she had cancer and it severely damaged the part of her that would allow her to have sexual relations with you, would you throw her out? Or would you find a way by the grace of God to deal with it and love her none-the-less? I hope you would love her no matter what.
From what I see, she has a cancer within her that she doesn’t even know about or is in complete denial that it is true. God can work with her on this. Don’t get in God’s way of dealing with her and revealing this to her. Work on your issues to help you and keep praying that God will work on hers and show you how you can be His colleague in this matter. Just don’t get in the way.
I pray God’s blessing upon you Warren. I pray God will give you an extra measure of grace and self-control and will help you to be the man of God and the husband that He has ordained that you are to be. Don’t lose hope or faith and lean upon the Lord as you need. He is able to keep you strong and keep you from doing that which you shouldn’t. Call upon Him… OFTEN!!!
(USA) Warren, The things Cindy shared with you about our own sexual relations "problems" in our marriage many years ago now are just a vague memory for me. That’s because God did a miraculous healing in her life to be able to heal from her past and the personal work she put into overcoming what became a normal pattern of "denying" me sex.
Even before Cindy and I were married, I struggled with pornography addiction. When I gave my life to Christ in 1974 I "expected" that God would just take that struggle away. He didn’t. And because Cindy wasn’t giving me what I needed from her I felt that gave me "license" to continue, even though I knew it was wrong and I was wrought with guilt and shame.
I tell you this because Cindy shared a little with you about putting up "hedges" in your marriage. The enemy (Satan) is going to use every tool he has to try and get you to be unfaithful to your wife. That’s what he did to me. And I fell for his lies: "She’s holding out on you; you have every right to be satisfied. It’s not like you’re going out and getting a prostitute. You’re staying faithful to your wife."
Praise God! He also did a healing in my life. But I will always have the "bent" to that sin. Part of it is we men are "sexual" beings. God gave us that desire (urge). When it works the way God intended in the marriage relationship, it is a beautiful thing.
Mark Gungor wrote the book, "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage" which is based on his weekend seminar. I’ve never heard a better explanation about why God gives us men the sexual urges He does until Cindy and I were in Gungor’s seminar. You need to get the book, and if possible I suggest you also buy the DVD of the weekend seminar. It’s life/marriage changing material. If you want to get it, all you have to do is go back to our Home page and click on the window to Amazon.Com.
As a guy I know the mentality of how we just want to "fix" the problems we encounter. That’s especially true in this case when the fix is as "easy as your wife having sex with you." Sadly, as you (and I) realize, it really isn’t that simple. And yet God calls us to be faithful and sacrificially loving at all times and in all situations.
Cindy and I both know God wants to help your wife find total and complete healing from her past and change her heart towards your sexual relationship. But she HAS to get to the point where she is so sick of being held prisoner to her pain that she will be willing to do anything to find the healing that God has. That’s what happened to Cindy. And it can happen to your wife, too.
Don’t ever give up hope – "Do not become weary in well doing; for you will reap a harvest if you do not give up." (Galatians 6:9) Do whatever is necessary to pray and believe that your wife WILL change (by God’s grace) and to stay faithful at all times in thought…and deed.
Warren, I hope this encourages you just a little. Cindy and I will be praying for both of you. Steve