So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire.It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And here in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low sex drive is such a problem, said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre, that it’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days, from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless” — young New Yorkers so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex (it could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex). But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized, that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.’”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire — including some antidepressants and some birth control pills — most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to and he may not,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage — and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation; they had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs: Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages, and with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops: the hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,’” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8″ rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
The above article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003, and was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek Mercury News. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other, as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
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(USA) I don’t have any sure fire way to increase the amount of sexual activity in the marriage. Having said that, my wife and I just celebrated our 31 anniversary. We have spent the last 25 to 27 years struggling with the frequency of sex. I have considered desire reducing drugs, constant self stimulation, thinking I was over sexed partially because she told me I was. My dear wife was sexual but not very often. She just didn’t need it. I felt really bad about myself in this area for many years. I considered myself a religious person but not a good Christian.
Because of the caring and guidance of a very dear pastor and his wife and finally accepting that God created me with this desire I was able to gain some peace within myself. One of the best things we ever did was view the Laugh Your Way Series by Mark Gungor. To my surprise my wife made the comment "I never knew that sex was that important to you or to men in general." "And that God made us that way."
Over the past several months our marriage has blossomed. We still have quite a few things to work out, but we are working on them "together". Thank God. Guess what I am trying to say is, that for us, it was just a matter of knowing how each of us viewed our sexuality and the acceptance that God created each of us that way. Also, understanding that sex with your spouse is a GIFT from God and a gift to your spouse.
I realize that this is a simplified answer to a very complicated question. But it can be worked out with the help of God, and a willingness to follow His direction. God Bless you All.
(USA) Is this site still active? Why no comments since October???
(USA) Yep! This is still active. For some reason, no one has commented on this article for a while. We have over a thousand articles (with new ones being added regularly) and different ones get busy at different times. It all depends upon how the Spirit moves. But who knows… a new day can make a great difference! Stay tuned.
(USA) I was searching the normal number of times for married couples to have sex and this discussion link popped out.
We are married for 3 1/2 years now. My husband has an 8 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I basically raised her as her mom since she was 3. There’s actually 2 things that are bothering me. First, my husband is the only intimate partner I’ve had. I was 29 when we got married and sex was great. It wasn’t the everyday or every other day type during the first year, but since he was my only intimate partner, I was content with once a week, or if lucky, 2x a week.
Both of us have stressful jobs. Last year, we bought a house. Last month, I got laid off. During the course of the last year, maybe, we had sex less than 20x. I thought that was abnormal especially for such a young marriage. When I got laid off, the burden of paying the mortgage and all the bills were put on his plate. To top it all, I earn twice more than he does, so it’s double the pressure. Our intimate times were usually initiated by me. I can only count the times when he initiated it.
The past few months, he would constantly refuse my advancements and I don’t know why. He’s still sweet, loving and very caring… but.. not in the intimacy part. He usually gives excuses and it frustrates me because I also have needs. There were times where we would not have sex for 2 months and for a 3 1/2 year-marriage, I thought that is really abnormal. I came to a point where I am about to burst.
Yesterday, I side-commented that he’s my roommate. He didn’t like it and it became a huge fight. I constantly ask myself, if I did something wrong, is it because I gained weight, etc… There is a lot of resentment and insecurity.
In relation to this, I constantly remind him about my age, being a 32-yr old woman and I wanted to have a baby soon. He’s had a bad experience with his ex about postpartum and I think that this also has something to do with why he doesn’t want to have sex.
We haven’t really tried seriously to have kids. My husband is a Christian and I am Catholic. I know that there was something written in the Bible about sex but I didn’t know what exactly until I read it in this discussion. I am very frustrated and my self-esteem is low. I don’t know what to do to make him want to have sex with me.
Thank you for all the posts. It’s nice to know that I am not alone.
(USA) My husband and I will celebrate two years of marriage just after the birth of our first child this August. However, we will really be marking 8 years together at that point. I have read almost all of the comments on this page and am hesitant to comment, but here goes…
I am the lustless, uninterested mate. I know it is deeply hurting my husband and he really feels unwanted. I feel that I can now understand his perspective a bit better, but I still don’t feel compelled to "tough it out." It is really hard to explain what it is like to not desire sex at all. It is not that I am not attracted or that I don’t love him. I just don’t need that physical contact to feel close to him. I have been this way for years – and he married me anyway.
Now that I am 5 months pregnant, I feel I have an okay excuse, but it is the compounded feelings of the years leading up to the pregnancy that have caused him to reach his breaking point. I don’t want to push him to stray and I have tried just toughing it out. We have sex 2-3 times a week… pretty regular if you ask me. It is now an issue of initiation and desire. I don’t do either. He now feels that he is forcing me to do it and that no longer makes him happy.
I will pray on this, but am lost as to how I will overcome Maybe if I think of my body more as his too this will help. I just wanted to offer the perspective of the other point of view. I mean well, but I become combative and hurt when he tells me I am not attracted to him and we are going to end up divorced. To me, this is not even an option… to him, he can’t imagine the rest of his life like this. So for all of the husbands and wives who are frustrating the daylights out of everyone, love and affection is not the problem, a general disinterest in sex is. It is possible that I love him more than he loves me at times, and I feel I take the good with the bad and want him to do the same, but realize this is one area where that just isn’t good enough.
(CANADA) I have been married for less than a year and already I’m dissatisfied with our sex life. We actually started off as sex friends who were together for 7 years. Things changed and we decided to be a couple. We were married last year and moved in together in May 2008.
Since moving in together our sex life has really diminished (which is ironic since we started off with just sex and nothing else to our relationship). My husband doesn’t seem to get that this is an issue. He keeps telling me that there are other things to enjoy in our relationship now and that the focus does not have to be on sex. I feel that now we are a couple and in love that I want to be physically closer and more intimate. I’m not asking for sex every day but at least once or twice a week would be nice. At this point we go about 7-14 days between sex sessions. I always initiate the sex and I have to do the majority of the foreplay. And since we go so long between sex sessions, that when we are intimate my husband usually ends up finishing way before me, which makes things much less satisfying for me.
I have brought up this subject several times but the conversation seems to go no where. My husband simply says that he has a lot on his mind with his new business and paying bills, etc. to even think about sex. I understand that he is feeling stressed about finances. Who isn’t right now? But he cannot neglect me because he stressed. I try my best to forgive the fact that he doesn’t initiate anything sexual with me, even though this does bother me.
What I have trouble looking past is when I go to put the moves on him and he rejects me. I can almost count to the day which day he will actually let me make a move on him that results in sex. This I am getting very frustrated with. Then there is the whole issue of foreplay. By nature women take longer to warm up then men. Yet I have to do most of the foreplay stuff and then he wants to go from foreplay for him to sex, which means no foreplay, no petting, no touching, no oral sex, etc. for me. I’m not sure he does this on purpose but the end result is resentment.
When we do finally have sex I get sort of disappointed at the end knowing that I will have to wait another week, week and a half, two weeks, before having sex again. My husband says his low sex drive is due to stress, him being out of shape (which he also blames on me), and because there is no chase anymore. When we were dating there was a chase, a hunt to catch a mate, and now that we are married this excitement is no longer there so there is no need to chase me sexually.
I don’t think he gets that sometimes a women wants to be chased. I need to feel desirable, sexually attractive, that he wants me, and when he rejects me it hurts. That’s the bottom line… it hurts. And I don’t know how to make it better. I have tired sexy lingerie, games and toys from the sex shop, etc. but that doesn’t seem to make a difference. Not to mention how stupid it makes me feel to surprise him in sexy lingerie only to hear ‘I’m not in the mood’.
I’ve tired talking about this with him and I’ve tired ignoring it to see how long it takes him to want me. Neither of these approaches work and the latter leaves me feeling resentful and unheard. He claims he is listening and that he recognizes that there is a problem, but he is not doing anything to make thing better. I asked what I could do to help (as I’m sure it is part my fault also, although I’m not sure how) and he says there is nothing I can do about it.
The financial piece is huge for us. My husband came into our marriage with over $100,000 in debt. We are struggling to pay this off as well as maintain our house. We have no kids but many pets. There are some months when we cannot afford little things like a new pair of pants for work or a hair cut. Because this debt is not mine I get upset when my husband comes home with a stupid un-needed purchase. He is horrible with money and thinks that credit is cash, which it is not.
I could go on and on about this topic but it’s not the main focus of what’s going on for us. Since there is this huge debt that I’m helping to pay off I feel that when my husband rejects me sexually there is little benefit to being in this relationship. I know that is horrible to say because I do love my husband, but there has to be more good then not good to keep a couple together. I’m tempted to suggest counseling but I’m not sure he will agree. Any suggestions anyone? Steph
(USA) Jill, I do not propose that I know all the ins and outs of you and your husbands relationship. So I will attempt to comment with the info that I have. A marriage, as instituted by God, is a relationship of GIVING. Giving of oneself to your mate, spiritually, emotionally and physically. I congratulate you on realizing that by your actions you are deeply hurting your husband. That is a great step. Now that you have realized this, what will your next step be?
You mentioned that you are pregnant and that now is a great excuse for not having sex with your husband. Will you continue to use pregnancy and then taking care of a child as a reason to not have sex? Please allow me to make a comparison. Once your child is born, there will be times, in the middle of the night, or just when you are about to head out the door for something important, or when you are so exhausted that all you want to do is sleep, when your child will NEED your attention. You may not have the desire, you may not want to do what he/she needs at that moment, and you may think that you don’t have the energy to attend to there needs. But you will. You will put the needs of your child above the need for rest, your personal activities, and the need for just time to be by yourself. That is the way you need to treat your husband.
I am not saying that you totally deny yourself any enjoyment or relaxation. But rather you need to understand that sex for your husband, and for about 85% of all married men, is the way they RECEIVE love from their wives. Will they die if they don’t get it? NO. But our self-worth and our feeling of importance to our wives will be greatly diminished if we are not having sex.
After 30+ years of marriage, I finally was able to communicate to my wonderful bride that my need for sexual contact with her was how I perceived she loved me She said that she never understood, until I had the courage to explain it to her just how important sex was to me for seeing our marriage and life enjoyable.
As a man, when my wife enthusiastically has sex with me, it makes me feel like I can take on the world. There isn’t a problem in my job or my life that I can’t handle, and handle well. I also want to be very kind to her and do all I can to make her life happy and enjoyable.
My assumption is that your husband loves you dearly, and greatly desires to have a wonderful relationship with you, his wife. You mentioned that you don’t want him to stray. That would be his decision, not yours. However, are you doing enough to support him in staying faithful to his marriage?
Another thing I would suggest is that although you are pregnant right now, once you deliver and things start to get back to "normal" have your doctor check your hormone levels. An imbalance of hormones can cause havoc with sexual desire.
I hope and pray that your marriage grows stronger in the future and that you will be a great set of parents for your new young one on the way.
The following scripture addresses what you briefly mentioned about your body being his. My wife had never seen or understood this Bible verse until I showed it to her and we discussed it. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 NIV …3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. FHG, Rob
(ZIMBABWE) I believe that sex is the most important gift of them all, so we must accommodate each other’s sexual needs to save our marriages and desires.
(USA) I am 50 years old and have been married for 30 years. Since the beginning of our marriage, my husband and I have had sexual problems. The first five years of our marriage were horrible. I have always had the stronger libido, and when I would try to initiate sex, my husband would reject me. Many, many times I went to bed crying.
Over the years, I have told my husband how I feel, and he just ignores me. It’s like he “pretends” our problems away. When I have tried to talk to him, he just closes his eyes and falls asleep in his chair. For the last two years, I have been in counseling. My husband keeps promising me he will get counseling, but never keeps his word.
My husband and I were best friends before we ever became involved with each other. We should have never married and remained only friends. My husband is a funny person, a great friend, and never meets a stranger. Everybody loves him. But he just can’t bring himself to be a husband to me. I have spent the last 30 years of my life longing and aching for marital love from my husband.
Now, after 30 years of marriage, I am done. Over the last 30 years I have told my husband how much I needed him and how important lovemaking is to me. He knows how much I have wanted him. It seems as though he is using sex as a weapon. During this last year, I told my husband that I didn’t know how much longer I could do this because our marriage problems were making me sick (I now have major depression). Still, he didn’t want me and did nothing to improve our marriage. Finally, around 5-6 months ago I turned a corner in our relationship. And no matter how much I have tried, I can’t turn around and go back. I don’t love him any longer in the way a wife loves her husband. I believe that my marriage died, and part of me died with it. All I can think about now is getting out of this relationship. I just want to live alone and find some peace. It has become increasingly hard for me to be in the same house with him. I find myself crying several times a day. Seeing him is just a reminder of all of the hurt and rejection.
I see now why God wants a husband and wife to fulfill their marital duty to one another, because if they don’t, they can cause the other to sin. I have not had sex outside of my marriage, but I have been thinking of another man who was in my life before I married my husband. This is a man that I loved over 30 years ago. I know it’s unreasonable, but once I lost my marital love for my husband, my heart went back to the man I loved before him. I have been regretting my marriage, and regretting my breakup with the former man in my life. When we broke up over 30 years ago, he still loved me and wanted me to come back. Now I will always wonder what my life could have been had I made a different choice.
Never, in my life, did I ever think this could happen to my marriage. Even through all of the bad times and rejection, I continued to love my husband, almost desperately. I tried to leave many times, but I always came back the same day. It has been a long and hard life for me.
(USA) Teri, it is so sad to hear your story. 30 years of marriage to a man that you call your friend. It sounds like he is a very nice person to be with, just not when it comes to sex. I have been there, only for a short time – 9 years. I can’t say for sure where I will be at after 30 years goes by. My husband has refused all counseling and I have done counseling. I have had bad depression to the point that I would spend all day crying unable to think about anything else.
I was also plagued by thought of a first love that I should not have left. I am mostly past these things. We live in a sin filled world; the effects of sin affect our own mind, our past, and those we love. Our spouses are far from perfect. Think of king David’s wives, what must their lives have been like, and he was a man after God’s own heart. The Bible is full of women who had less than perfect lives in less than ideal marriages. Queen Esther saved a nation by her marriage but could only come at the kings calling. The glory of these Godly women was not in their relationships with people but in their relationship with God. Our end goal is God; our true husband is the Lord and what awaits us is so much better that what we have. Finish the race with honor. Take control of your thoughts. God has given you the power of a controlled mind. Seek out your true Love…the God of the Bible. If you chase an earthy love, another man, you will receive an earthy reward which will quickly pass away.
I am troubled by your deep depression. It is so scary to be under the control of depression. In deep depression I was told that mind numbing drugs was the way to get over the depression and continue on with life as usual, numb to the emotional pain my spouse was causing. I concluded that I would not stay with some one who so physically abusive to me that I would fear for bodily injury. In the same way I would not stay with a man that caused so much mental abuse that I would have mental injury. I did not plan on looking for another spouse if I left, I just would not stay and take the abuse. Thankfully though I never had to act on this belief. God brought me out of my depression with a combination of counseling, prayer, Christian friends, reading the Bible, and the Holy Spirit working in my life. I don’t know if in another 20 years I will be back at the point where you are at. But for now my “sin affected” husband is my better half.