So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire.It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And here in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low sex drive is such a problem, said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre, that it’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days, from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless” — young New Yorkers so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex (it could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex). But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized, that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.’”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire — including some antidepressants and some birth control pills — most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to and he may not,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage — and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation; they had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs: Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages, and with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops: the hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,’” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8″ rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
The above article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003, and was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek Mercury News. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other, as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
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(AUSTRALIA) My husband and I have sex 2-3 times a week, and we’ve been married 30 years! In the first few years of our marriage, it was almost every night. It sounds as though we’re very lucky after reading some of the comments above. We just love a good snuggle.
(USA) My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have two children 10 and 7. We are both in our mid forties. Even though our sex life has hit rough patches (especially when our children were very young), our sex life had always been pretty good. About 6 times a month, she would be naked, lots of kissing, foreplay, and oral sex, as well as intercourse in various positions.
This changed about 3 years ago when she decided that she didn’t want to kiss me any longer. She said she didn’t know why, but it was something that she just did not want to do any longer. She won’t even kiss me when we are not having sex (other than a quick closed mouth peck). Then the sex frequency started to drop (now only once or twice a month, usually initiated by me). She says that she will have sex with me when ever I ask (not true usually only about 50% of the time) but I usually don’t ask anymore since now sex is usually with her shirt and bra on (she just pulls her underwear off right before the act) and there is no foreplay whatsoever. It has to be completely dark and she will just lay there until I am done.
It is as if she is no longer attracted to me and just doing it out of duty. I can barely even get an erection because of this. I want her to desire me. I have discussed this with her, to no avail. She just says that I am always complaining about sex (who wouldn’t, if this was the kind of sex they had). So I don’t initiate it anymore. She will initiate it once or twice a month, but just wants me to be instantly hard, climb on top of her and do it for about 5 minutes then finish.
My sex drive is much higher than hers. I have even asked her to compromise and have some passion in our sex life at least once a month (kissing foreplay etc.,) and I would do something for her that she desires. She has simply stated that she doesn’t get every thing she wants from the marriage, so I am going to have to simply live with it. I have been considering having a discreet affair if this goes on much longer. I do not want to divorce her, but I can’t continue like this!
(USA) Hi Wayne, I do know (and this is confirmed by counselors and books written by psychologists) that women have to have emotional connection in order for their sex lives to be healthy.
I would guess, with almost certainty, that there is an emotional issue going on, especially because you mention the kissing issue. I would start by trying to recall what happened about 3 years ago when you noticed the change. There must have been something and I would guess, emotionally, it hasn’t been resolved for her.
Hope this helps. I would suggest marriage counseling. It might help her clear up the emotional issues and to prevent you from being tempted (and possibly following through) into the sin of adultery.
You both have some valid issues that probably need to be addressed with professional help. Hope this is helpful and I’ll keep you both in my prayers, God bless, LT
(USA) Thanks for your comment LT. I have asked her before to go to counseling, but she was not very receptive to it. There are some issues in our marriage (she does not think much of my job (construction worker), nor does she think I earn enough money (about 50,000 per year), and she thinks our house is too small (about 1,000 square feet). She has had these issues for much longer than 3 years. Her mother had the exact same issues with her husband as well.
We do argue from time to time about these issues (she just thinks she deserves more than I can provide her), but there is nothing that I can think of that happened 3 years ago that would have caused this. I could ask her again to attend counseling, and she may agree but she will say “I know this is not going to help”. We have said some mean things to each other when we were fighting (both sides), but the fighting has really slowed down over the years (not much at all anymore), so I’m at a loss as to what may have actually triggered this.
(USA) Hi Wayne, I would suggest trying a very neutral, soft request, again, for counseling if you think she may do it at all, even if she does say “it won’t work.”
Instead of saying the exact problem (you might make her defensive if she already knows you have a problem with the sex life and she is the one triggering it), you might say something to the effect of “there are issues that I feel we could both benefit from in going to counseling.” Put the burden on both of you not just one of you, that way people are less likely to get defensive or feel that they are being put on the spot.
God bless you, LT
(USA) Thanks for your input LT. I will try this approach. I know there are issues that need to be addressed (not just the sex) that we have just been ignoring lately. I think that we were just tired of arguing with each other. However, I need for my wife to desire me (especially the kissing part). I do not know another couple that do not kiss at all, and I REALLY miss this and she knows it. I do not want to have sex with someone that is only doing it out of duty, as if it were a chore. Maybe I am being selfish, but I miss the intimacy of our love making. If it stays this way, I feel like I would have to seek someone else out which I do not want to do. Thanks again for your input!
(USA) Been married for about 28 years, used to have sex about 2 times a week for the first 10 to 15 years, started losing interest sex about 10 years ago. Turned out to be diabetes. Diabetes itself is actually a Hormone Malfunction centered around the digestive hormone Insulin. But when on hormone malfunctions, they all start to malfunction. When insulin malfunctions, the communication between sugar and cells is broken and the body can starve to death with a body full of food.
One of the other hormones that can and will malfunction when you have diabetes is the Hormone Testosterone (I guess “in” means hormone). That is why the official doctor that treats Diabetes is a Hormone Doctor, or an Endocrinologist.
I’ve been told by medical professionals that 90% of your sex drive or lack of and (or) impotence is in your head, but your head doesn’t think about these things unless the Hormone Testosterone makes it think about those things. Low Testosterone will also cause Anemia, so I take Testosterone shots to fix both problems. And it works. After each shot once a month, the thoughts and moods about sex change noticably. But over time you will find other hormones are also involved, and treatment for those may need attention as well.
(MY) We have been married or 1 1/2 years now. We used to have sex once or twice every week for the first year. Starting this year I could feel his lack of interest, although there were times I tried to put in effort to make things happen but he would push me away saying that he’s tired, etc. We are having sex once every 2 months now.
I could see from the responses here that most couples are married for more than 5 years. Mine is just the begining and I’m already feeling a sense of emptiness. I feel very depressed and low in confidence and ugly sometimes whenever I look into the mirror. The feeling of being unwanted is hard to express although at times I have hinted to him about the matter but he would pretend he did not hear it or just let it pass.
Our conversation with each other is getting lesser by the day. He would come home, go on the internet, play some games, then head to bed. We are both working and I do have my fair share of stress and problems at work but that doesn’t stop me from showing him how much I love him. What could be the problem then?
(USA) I’m in a new first year marraige and think my husband prefers masturbating to making love to me. I hate that… and he denys it. Also he likes gualking at premiscuously dressed women… he denys that too. Why would he treat me as if he’s so in love with me and yet prefers his self pleasure? He does not look at internet pornogrphy… I know he can’t anywhere. Am I making too big of deal out of this?
(USA) I have been married for about a year now and I love my wife deeply. I’m still very attracted to her, but I guess I’m on the other side of the coin on that most people are posting… I love her a lot; we have a blast together. But sometimes I just have no drive for it. I have this incredibly hot wife and sometimes I have no drive!
I do work full time and study full time; i am very busy, but being 25 I thought I would still have all the drive in the world. We do have sex at least twice a week, but she has been frustrated quite a few times because I just can’t get myself “in the mood”… It drives me crazy, and of course, her too, and I don’t want her to think I don’t want her… what is going on!?!?