So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire.It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And here in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low sex drive is such a problem, said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre, that it’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days, from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless” — young New Yorkers so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex (it could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex). But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized, that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.’”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire — including some antidepressants and some birth control pills — most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to and he may not,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage — and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation; they had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs: Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages, and with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops: the hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,’” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8″ rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
The above article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003, and was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek Mercury News. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other, as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
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(INDIA) How much sex is good for health and fitness in a week or in a month? What number of instances should be there for sex with life partner?
(LEBANON) Girls, I read almost all the msgs above and I was crying about my husband’s high sex drive. Trust me nobody is happy; my husband wants it twice a day, and we’ve been married for two years and a half. Trust me, it’s not good. I’m tired, especially now that I have a child, and I’m a housewife. I get exhausted during the day, but when he comes home, he finds everything neat and in order; it looks good. But no man understands how much time and work it takes a woman, to raise a child, cook and keep the house clean, all at the same time.
He gets home and if he doesn’t like what I cooked, he messes up all the kitchen, and I have to clean it all over again after he finishes. Then he wants me to sit and watch football with him. I try to explain that I’m tired and I need to go to sleep. He always tells me, fine I will follow you. The ugliest part is that he waits till I fall asleep and then he wants what he wants. He wakes me up, yes he does… and the worst is, that he can’t leave to go to his job before he gets what he wants. So I have to wake up early with him to satisfy his needs…
Is this normal??? I’m tired; I need a break, and whenever I refuse or I say no, straight away he creates a fight and accuses me of cheating… Any help????
(USA) Hi Maria. I have realised there are two extremes with regards to sex, either too little or too much. I am not sure though how many times are normal or abnormal.
I feel you are really overwhelmed with many things in your life and unfortunately, sex,the most important thing in your relationship, is one of them.
I have just read an article on this site and if you haven’t I would recommend it to you http://www.marriagemissions.com/to-wives-why-is-sex-so-important/.
Before you make any serious moves or decisions, I will ask you to consider the following:
1. The consequences of denying sex from someone with a high sex drive
2. Is there any way of lightening or rearranging your daily schedule to accomodate your husband?
I understand how hard it may be for you doing all the housework. However I have learnt from various sources that sex ranks up there together with respect as men’s greatest needs. The consequnces of sexual deprivation are huge and devastating. You may not want to go there.
There is a lot of good advice from Godly people on this site so I am sure they will share their experiences that will help you.
(USA) Maria- I am so sorry to hear of your situation with your husband. I do not agree with the comments from “Lo”…this is absolutely the most ridiculous advice that can be given to you. How can someone not see that you are in an abusive situation and that you need help? You need a safe haven from your husband who is very selfish and thinking only of his own sexual needs. God would not have you submit yourself to his sexual whims twice a day…without regard for your feelings and wants. Are you supposed to submit to his desires because you are a Christian wife? I do NOT think so. The Lord has told us that our husbands are to LOVE US LIKE they would God. Is this how your husband would treat our Lord?
Get out of this situation and seek professional help. You should seek the advice of a professional at your physician’s office. Alternatives for Battered Women can help as well. While your husband is not physically beating you, he is emotionally abusing you. Please get help and don’t listen to this absurd advice telling you to consider the “consequences of denying sex from someone with a high sex drive”.
Lo… you need to get some help yourself. You should get grounded in reality and pray that God helps you understand His love. What you are portraying as “Christian” or what the Lord would have this poor woman to do is downright WRONG and destructive.
(USA) Hi. I am 23 and have been married for 4 months now. My husband wants to have sex all the time, but I feel like I have to be really motivated in order to do so. No offense to anyone, but I get really upset about hearing about how women are supposed to submit themselves to their husbands. What about the women ? I have a history of ovarian cysts & my cyst ruptured because we were having sex & I had to be taken to the E.R.
I go to school full time for nursing & I am exhausted when I get home and want to do nothing but sleep. I love my husband with all my heart, but I get really upset because I am so tired and he is so eager to have sex & wants to do all different positions when I just really want to lay there.
Another thing, he has an addiction to porn. I don’t know if it’s because he feels rejected, but I don’t feel like that’s fair just because he may feel like a victim. Porn, in any form, for whatever reason is wrong. I find Playboy magazines and tonight found a mini porn calandar with naked girls. I pinned it up by the bed to remind him how disgusting that is when he’s a married man. I didn’t sign up to be compared to porn stars. I really need to advice because I don’t think I should have to put up with a porn addict! Who wants to have sex if their husband is dreaming about another woman?
(USA) Well I must say that I’ve been married for 12 years. My wife is a very hot woman, but there is no sex whatsoever. I tried to make her life as easy as possible. She’s a teacher. I cook, clean, do laundry, give money, buy her flowers for no reason, doing the all the things that a man should do for his woman.
We have a 10 year old daughter together. When she was a baby I would give her a bath, feed her, change her diaper, get up in the middle of the night to take care of our baby. I’ve been with her since I was 20 years old and she is 7 years older than me. I didnt care about the age difference. I’m a good man to her. But now, for the last few years, sex is only when she wants to. Once a month, once every 3 months. The longest was 6 months without sex. AND YES I DID IT.
I make passes at her, give nice compliments on how she looks. It does not work anymore. I am tired of trying. We have been sleeping in different rooms. She denies me and it finally reached a breaking point. When she makes a pass I dont want it, and I don’t feel bad doing it. Then she starts complaining that i’m cheating, that I don’t want her. It’s so far gone, I’ve been denied so many times that I dont want it. She’s the only woman I’ve ever known. I’ve been with her since I was 20 years old and now I am 32. I am living like a 60 year old man and I don’t want to live my life like this.
Now we are going through some difficult times and heading for divorce. I tried my best to be the best man I could be for her and our daughter. She wants me to stay but i said no. We went to counseling. It’s the same thing all over again- be good; God is love.
(USA) Eddie, I do not envy your situation. I was in one similar but not nearly as desperate as you are. We have been married 32 years. My dear wife is the only woman I have ever made love to. Over the years of work and kids our sex life began to dwindle to about every other month or less. It only happened when she brought it up. I had quit initiating because of being rejected many many times. Yes, I did more house work, dishes, and cooking. Believing these things would prompt a favorable response from her (ie have sex with me.) Nothing seemed to work. I finally turned to God in prayer. I asked for understanding on my part so I would be able to deal with this. What God revealed to me was that, Yes, I was doing all these wonderful things for my wife but was only doing them so I could get sex. I needed to be a giving husband with no strings attached. I changed my attitude and started to do them out of love for my wife.
Prayer alone did not do the job. I needed to put feet under those prayer, Which means I needed to do my part while God was doing his. I felt so lonely and have suffered with depression. I finally wrote my wife a 5 page letter and read it to her, telling her how I felt about myself and our marriage. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I told her that I felt as if she did not love me enough to have sex with me. To my surprise my wife made the comment that she never knew how much the lack of sex affected me. I had never told her.
That was almost 2 years ago. And this is a very abbreviated version of our story. However, once I started focusing on doing things for my wife because I loved her, rather than just to get sex, and once I verbally told her how it make me feel, it helped. I also made a huge effort in to connect with her more on an emotional level, to listen more intently to what she was saying and to talk with her more. Things began to change. Ever so slowly but they have changed. Am I a completely sexually satisfied husband? NO. But things are so much better now than they used to be. Not only in the marriage bed, in our relationship as a whole.
One last suggestion that helped us a lot. We began reading Christian marriage books together. Some on relationships and others on married sexuality. They were a huge eye opener for BOTH of us. We began to understand how we think so differently about many things. Not that one or the others thinking is wrong but that we needed to understand how the other was seeing things.
I could type a whole lot more but will end for now. Please hang in there and seek help from God, pastors, private councilors, etc. And begin talking. It is not easy at first but the more you do it the easier it becomes. FHG
(KENYA) I have been married for five years. Our sex life is in shambles. Around our third year, my husband complained about little sex like he wanted it every night and I just could not do that. I felt like oh my God, what did I get myself into? Who has sex every night? These thoughts really disturbed me because I said to myself, what is wrong with him to want sex so often? What if I can’t satisfy him, will he stray?
These thoughts on the contrary made me to have a very negative attitude towards sex and resent him more. It has been an issue in our marriage and he threatens to leave because of this. So I tried and gathered all the strength I had so as to satisfy him, only to come out depressed because I wasn’t into it. I liked it but because I was on a mission to satisfy him, I hated it even more. He is a good man and a good father. Our daughter was born early this year. When I was pregnant I asked him not to touch my breasts because the feeling that came out of it was one of resentment towards him rather than pleasure. Again, I hated sex more.
I am sorry about this but during the last time when we couldn’t have sex because of the advanced pregnancy, I was very happy because I didnt have to think of sex. After I had the baby and we stayed apart two and half months, we resumed. On that first night it was painful and I pushed him just by instinct from the pain I felt. I bled a lot too and he said we could lay off until I healed.
Seven months later I am now fully recovered. Sex is not as frequent because of the baby but I thought we were doing okay because I told myself to do everything to please him. But I noticed that of late, I am the one who initiates, he never asks. And at times my advances are rejected. I asked him and he said it’s because he doesn’t know what to do because if he touches me here, I’ll complain. Other times it is painful so he said he would rather stay off. I reminded him that those times I was pregnant and then after that I was recovering and actually in between I hadn’t complained about anything!
The point is, these words or comments are wired in his brain and now I don’t know what to do. I actually enjoy sex. If we refrain for a week I’ll be so ready and looking forward to it more than having it as a daily thing. What can I do to change his mindset because he is also a very obstinate person and once his mind is set, I don’t see him changing soon.
(USA) Rehema, This reply may seem a bit out of the ordinary for I am a husband and not a wife. But here goes anyway. One statement you made early in your post really struck me. “What is wrong with him to want sex so often?” He is a man and God created all men to some degree to desire sex. We all have different desire levels. Some high and some not so high. Speaking from experience I have a very high desire to have sex with my wife often. Does it happen often? NO!! Do I get discouraged? YES!! Is there anything I can do about it? I am still working on that.
Now this is from my point of view and other view points as well. You said that in the past you have had a very negative view of sex. Whether this is spoken about or not, your husband will recognize this and start to shut down sexually. It is not enjoyable to have sex with someone who only doing it out of obligation. We have been married 32 years. For the majority of that time our sex life was on my wife’s terms, when and where she wanted to. To be blunt, I was refused sex very often. I basically shut down as a way to deal with the rejection. This rejection has a tremendous damaging effect on a man’s self esteem and feelings of self worth. When he is not the desire of his wife, at times life seems worthless.
You said that things are good now for you and you want and need to have sex. In your husband’s mind the only thing he remembers now, are all the times that you were less than a willing participant. In my mind, and maybe I am the exception and not the rule, it may take 50 to 100 very enjoyable sexual encounters to over ride “1″ rejection because I am always thinking “Will she reject me again?”, “How long will these feelings last before she refuses me again?”, How soon will it be before she doesn’t like sex again?” It will take a long time to work through these feelings. If I were your husband I would want my wife to initiate, initiate, initiate, initiate, initiate. Get the picture. Reprogram him to understand that you enjoy sex with him. And if and when he does initiate, jump in and be the most enthusiastic lover you can be and rock his socks off. It will not be fast or easy but eventually you will gain his trust again.
My wife and I have sex about 1 or 2 times per week now. This has been going on for about 1 1/2 years. Before that it was once every 2 to 3 months. Even after a year and a half of frequent good sex, I am still very hesitant about initiating sex.
Last but not least, you need to ask God to open your and your husband’s heart to each other. There is nothing wrong with praying for a better sex life. God created marital sex and said it was “Good”.
(KENYA) Hi Rob, thanx for your advice. I am reading this a month late, but I hope it’s not too late. Things are same same, and only last night I asked him, how come this week he has not initiated and he said he doesn’t feel like it. I thank you because coming from another man, I now understand what he is going through and what I put him through, and hence the non-desire and rejection.
Oh boy! This is a tall order but I’ll take the initiative to initiate and re-program him and change him from the monster I turned him into, God help me. Pray for me as I do this and I’ll also pray a lot for us. Thanx.
(USE) Rehema, God bless you for beginning to understand how a man views sex. In my mind, and others may view this differently, is that when your wife rejects you that means that you are a poor lover and not worth investing the time and effort into having sex with him. I bless you and encourage you to move forward and make sex with your husband a priority. Yes there may be time when you feel like it is not worth it. But believe me in you husbands mind when you agree or pursue him sexually you are providing him with the affirmation that he is a man and “your man sexually”. You want him and you desire him. This will do more to boost his self worth than just about anything you can do. May God Bless your efforts and may your sexually life blossom into what God designed it to be.
(USA) Hello everyone! I have read a couple of comments on here, and I am saddened to hear so many of you go through what you are going through. Just to add perhaps a little to the conversation, I have to question if your husbands or wives are truly open to hearing from God? We as humans are seriously flawed born into sin. It takes the salvation of Christ and renewing of our mind to make us do the right thing. There is no amount of counsel that can change a person without God.
I would have to believe that if your spouse truly loves God and has Him first in their lives, they would hear God “Himself” telling them about your concerns and needs just as you can hear God “Himself” correct you on your issues. God is never the problem it is always us. God also ministers to us all the time. So if change is not occurring it is because we are not willing to listen, not God isn’t speaking to us. So, I guess the question is why aren’t your spouses listening? Do they truly have a “relationship” with God and not the formality of being a Christian? Something to think about.
Because if they did, I think they would be a little more sensitive to the Spirit. This is why God tells us to not be unequally yoked. (Also, note simply going to church and being a “nice” person doesn’t make you a Christian. The word says that our fruits will show whether we are “truly” following Jesus or not. If your spouse is resentful, cold-hearted, and insensitive, these are clearly not the “fruit” of a Christian that is supposed to walk in love with their enemies let alone their spouses) You’re either in the Devil’s camp or God’s. When you’re in the devil’s there is no covenant with God and they don’t have to listen or even really have the spiritual capacity to listen to God.
Perhaps something you all can do is really look to see if your spouse truly has the relationship with God they are supposed to. If not, then you know what to pray for. Also remember the Devil absolutely HATES marriage. We live in a perverted world where marriage is a last thought. The lie that marriage ruins sex is a lie the devil has tried to perpetuate as an attack against marriage. Just as the devil brings diseases (not God) to people, he also can bring resentment, in terms of your spouses lack of desire for you. THIS IS NOT OF GOD, THIS IS OF THE DEVIL!
We have to remember this is a spiritual battle and we have to spiritually go to war for our children, our families, protection and importantly our marriage! I would suggest you get some books on spiritual warfare. Know that our weapons of warfare are not carnal but are mighty through God!!
(USA) I have something to say. When my wife and I got married in 2000, we were having sex at least 12 times a week. Now we’re having sex about 4 times a week (because I nag her for it). And when we do have sex, she wants me to hurry up and finish as apposed to taking the 30-40 mins I desire. When I make love, I like to cover everything from A-Z EVERYTIME. I desire no other woman but her. If it were up to her, we would have sex twice per week. I need it at least 7x/wk.
We have 4 kids and work full time jobs. I’m trying to help reduce the workload at home, but even when there’s time, she still doesn’t see it necessary but twice per week. I have an extremely HIGH sex drive and am looking for satisfaction. I know this sounds like an ad for a sex slave, but it’s not. This is a cry out for help.
(CANADA) I have been married to my wife for a year and a half. We have a 2 month old, and during our marriage, we have had sex about 7 or 8 times. She was my first, but she has had a history with other men.
The problem is, I think she feels bad about not wanting sex. She feels bad that the odd time we do, it seems forced. But what do we do about it? I’m 26 years old and have had sex about 20 times total in my life (we didn’t quite make it to marriage…whoops). If she is willing, and wanting to want me, what should we do?