I love giving her the intimacy that she needs, the looks, touches, time spent together, but it never seems to be what she wants. I have looked into meds to help reduce my desire!! That is crazy… I know… I am sacrificing who I am to try and be the husband she wants… but she doesn’t seem to want my sexual side, just the “good” parts… Not sure if we can make it work… but we have three kids… I am not looking for it every day… I am looking for her looking forward to having multiple orgasms and pleasing her husband… is that so wrong???

Get out of this situation and seek professional help. You should seek the advice of a professional at your physician’s office. Alternatives for Battered Women can help as well. While your husband is not physically beating you, he is emotionally abusing you. Please get help and don’t listen to this absurd advice telling you to consider the “consequences of denying sex from someone with a high sex drive”.

Lo… you need to get some help yourself. You should get grounded in reality and pray that God helps you understand His love. What you are portraying as “Christian” or what the Lord would have this poor woman to do is downright WRONG and destructive.

I am a Christian man and do not want to turn to another woman for comfort but it’s becoming increasingly impossible for me to not look at other women without thinking thoughts that I shouldn’t. I know when I am sexually satisfied I don’t look at other women in inappropriate ways. I have prayed on it, I have asked my wife to read 1 Corinthians 7 and she just looked at me and said I know already. I’m afraid that if I meet another woman that pays me more attention than normal I may see her in a different way than I should. I really don’t know what to do. My wife will not seek counseling, she wants me to pray on it. Signed, frustrated husband

Oh boy! This is a tall order but I’ll take the initiative to initiate and re-program him and change him from the monster I turned him into, God help me. Pray for me as I do this and I’ll also pray a lot for us. Thanx.

I love my husband very much, he’s is all I’ve ever wanted in a man, but what am I supposed to do when night after night I am being rejected or told that his stress is so high that he can’t have sex for x amount of time and that I need to be patient. I’m finding myself being resentful, angry, ugly and so sad. And what’s so weird is that my husband shows me so much love and care that I don’t understand why would he put our marriage to the test like this? I have never cheated in any of my previous relationships, but now I understand why some people will or consider having affairs when you are constanly being rejected or made feel like you are not worth your partner’s time and affection. I just hope this I’d just a phase and that it will end soon. I hope this doesn’t ruin a perfect marriage.

The problem is, I think she feels bad about not wanting sex. She feels bad that the odd time we do, it seems forced. But what do we do about it? I’m 26 years old and have had sex about 20 times total in my life (we didn’t quite make it to marriage…whoops). If she is willing, and wanting to want me, what should we do?

We have 4 kids and work full time jobs. I’m trying to help reduce the workload at home, but even when there’s time, she still doesn’t see it necessary but twice per week. I have an extremely HIGH sex drive and am looking for satisfaction. I know this sounds like an ad for a sex slave, but it’s not. This is a cry out for help.

I would have to believe that if your spouse truly loves God and has Him first in their lives, they would hear God “Himself” telling them about your concerns and needs just as you can hear God “Himself” correct you on your issues. God is never the problem it is always us. God also ministers to us all the time. So if change is not occurring it is because we are not willing to listen, not God isn’t speaking to us. So, I guess the question is why aren’t your spouses listening? Do they truly have a “relationship” with God and not the formality of being a Christian? Something to think about.

Because if they did, I think they would be a little more sensitive to the Spirit. This is why God tells us to not be unequally yoked. (Also, note simply going to church and being a “nice” person doesn’t make you a Christian. The word says that our fruits will show whether we are “truly” following Jesus or not. If your spouse is resentful, cold-hearted, and insensitive, these are clearly not the “fruit” of a Christian that is supposed to walk in love with their enemies let alone their spouses) You’re either in the Devil’s camp or God’s. When you’re in the devil’s there is no covenant with God and they don’t have to listen or even really have the spiritual capacity to listen to God.

Perhaps something you all can do is really look to see if your spouse truly has the relationship with God they are supposed to. If not, then you know what to pray for. Also remember the Devil absolutely HATES marriage. We live in a perverted world where marriage is a last thought. The lie that marriage ruins sex is a lie the devil has tried to perpetuate as an attack against marriage. Just as the devil brings diseases (not God) to people, he also can bring resentment, in terms of your spouses lack of desire for you. THIS IS NOT OF GOD, THIS IS OF THE DEVIL!

We have to remember this is a spiritual battle and we have to spiritually go to war for our children, our families, protection and importantly our marriage! I would suggest you get some books on spiritual warfare. Know that our weapons of warfare are not carnal but are mighty through God!!

Now this is from my point of view and other view points as well. You said that in the past you have had a very negative view of sex. Whether this is spoken about or not, your husband will recognize this and start to shut down sexually. It is not enjoyable to have sex with someone who only doing it out of obligation. We have been married 32 years. For the majority of that time our sex life was on my wife’s terms, when and where she wanted to. To be blunt, I was refused sex very often. I basically shut down as a way to deal with the rejection. This rejection has a tremendous damaging effect on a man’s self esteem and feelings of self worth. When he is not the desire of his wife, at times life seems worthless.

You said that things are good now for you and you want and need to have sex. In your husband’s mind the only thing he remembers now, are all the times that you were less than a willing participant. In my mind, and maybe I am the exception and not the rule, it may take 50 to 100 very enjoyable sexual encounters to over ride “1″ rejection because I am always thinking “Will she reject me again?”, “How long will these feelings last before she refuses me again?”, How soon will it be before she doesn’t like sex again?” It will take a long time to work through these feelings. If I were your husband I would want my wife to initiate, initiate, initiate, initiate, initiate. Get the picture. Reprogram him to understand that you enjoy sex with him. And if and when he does initiate, jump in and be the most enthusiastic lover you can be and rock his socks off. It will not be fast or easy but eventually you will gain his trust again.

My wife and I have sex about 1 or 2 times per week now. This has been going on for about 1 1/2 years. Before that it was once every 2 to 3 months. Even after a year and a half of frequent good sex, I am still very hesitant about initiating sex.

Last but not least, you need to ask God to open your and your husband’s heart to each other. There is nothing wrong with praying for a better sex life. God created marital sex and said it was “Good”.

These thoughts on the contrary made me to have a very negative attitude towards sex and resent him more. It has been an issue in our marriage and he threatens to leave because of this. So I tried and gathered all the strength I had so as to satisfy him, only to come out depressed because I wasn’t into it. I liked it but because I was on a mission to satisfy him, I hated it even more. He is a good man and a good father. Our daughter was born early this year. When I was pregnant I asked him not to touch my breasts because the feeling that came out of it was one of resentment towards him rather than pleasure. Again, I hated sex more.

I am sorry about this but during the last time when we couldn’t have sex because of the advanced pregnancy, I was very happy because I didnt have to think of sex. After I had the baby and we stayed apart two and half months, we resumed. On that first night it was painful and I pushed him just by instinct from the pain I felt. I bled a lot too and he said we could lay off until I healed.

Seven months later I am now fully recovered. Sex is not as frequent because of the baby but I thought we were doing okay because I told myself to do everything to please him. But I noticed that of late, I am the one who initiates, he never asks. And at times my advances are rejected. I asked him and he said it’s because he doesn’t know what to do because if he touches me here, I’ll complain. Other times it is painful so he said he would rather stay off. I reminded him that those times I was pregnant and then after that I was recovering and actually in between I hadn’t complained about anything!

The point is, these words or comments are wired in his brain and now I don’t know what to do. I actually enjoy sex. If we refrain for a week I’ll be so ready and looking forward to it more than having it as a daily thing. What can I do to change his mindset because he is also a very obstinate person and once his mind is set, I don’t see him changing soon.

Maybe he thinks that because I’m not working, and he is, I owe him sex every other day, regardless of his conduct. It’s almost like I should offer it as pre-payment for his treating me better. I have no interest in or drive for sex. I have low self-esteem, bipolar, ADHD, PTSD, and OCPD. I have been in therapy most of my life. He has turned down marriage counseling at least 12 times.

My husband acts like his giving a quick, mechanical back rub (I think lots of folks know what I mean) as a sure-fire way to get me warmed up. Like I’m a machine. After the massage I just de-personalize, because my psyche can’t handle the rest.

This man appears to be disappointed in me as his loser, mental case wife, and acts like he has to straighten me out, tell me how to dress (bleah!!!), how to act, what to do, etc. If he doesn’t, he just broods.

Obviously this is SO not about sex or libido, my needing to keep emotional distance from him has ruined HIS sex life. He told me that he must “do” sex every other day in order to maintain his 64-year-old virility. I think he needs to learn to be nice. We could be kayaking together, but the kayaks are gathering dust. I told him that sex is icing on a cake that is made up of kindness, respect, fun, harmony, interest in the other, etc.

Then I remembered that I always scrape icing off of my cake; he always eats all of his icing and then mine too. I feel asexual, aversive about sex now.

I thank him often for the tangible/material life he gives me, and he appreciates that. But my shame and anger are so alive…

Prayer alone did not do the job. I needed to put feet under those prayer, Which means I needed to do my part while God was doing his. I felt so lonely and have suffered with depression. I finally wrote my wife a 5 page letter and read it to her, telling her how I felt about myself and our marriage. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I told her that I felt as if she did not love me enough to have sex with me. To my surprise my wife made the comment that she never knew how much the lack of sex affected me. I had never told her.

That was almost 2 years ago. And this is a very abbreviated version of our story. However, once I started focusing on doing things for my wife because I loved her, rather than just to get sex, and once I verbally told her how it make me feel, it helped. I also made a huge effort in to connect with her more on an emotional level, to listen more intently to what she was saying and to talk with her more. Things began to change. Ever so slowly but they have changed. Am I a completely sexually satisfied husband? NO. But things are so much better now than they used to be. Not only in the marriage bed, in our relationship as a whole.

One last suggestion that helped us a lot. We began reading Christian marriage books together. Some on relationships and others on married sexuality. They were a huge eye opener for BOTH of us. We began to understand how we think so differently about many things. Not that one or the others thinking is wrong but that we needed to understand how the other was seeing things.

I could type a whole lot more but will end for now. Please hang in there and seek help from God, pastors, private councilors, etc. And begin talking. It is not easy at first but the more you do it the easier it becomes. FHG

We have a 10 year old daughter together. When she was a baby I would give her a bath, feed her, change her diaper, get up in the middle of the night to take care of our baby. I’ve been with her since I was 20 years old and she is 7 years older than me. I didnt care about the age difference. I’m a good man to her. But now, for the last few years, sex is only when she wants to. Once a month, once every 3 months. The longest was 6 months without sex. AND YES I DID IT.

I make passes at her, give nice compliments on how she looks. It does not work anymore. I am tired of trying. We have been sleeping in different rooms. She denies me and it finally reached a breaking point. When she makes a pass I dont want it, and I don’t feel bad doing it. Then she starts complaining that i’m cheating, that I don’t want her. It’s so far gone, I’ve been denied so many times that I dont want it. She’s the only woman I’ve ever known. I’ve been with her since I was 20 years old and now I am 32. I am living like a 60 year old man and I don’t want to live my life like this.

Now we are going through some difficult times and heading for divorce. I tried my best to be the best man I could be for her and our daughter. She wants me to stay but i said no. We went to counseling. It’s the same thing all over again- be good; God is love.

I go to school full time for nursing & I am exhausted when I get home and want to do nothing but sleep. I love my husband with all my heart, but I get really upset because I am so tired and he is so eager to have sex & wants to do all different positions when I just really want to lay there.

Another thing, he has an addiction to porn. I don’t know if it’s because he feels rejected, but I don’t feel like that’s fair just because he may feel like a victim. Porn, in any form, for whatever reason is wrong. I find Playboy magazines and tonight found a mini porn calandar with naked girls. I pinned it up by the bed to remind him how disgusting that is when he’s a married man. I didn’t sign up to be compared to porn stars. I really need to advice because I don’t think I should have to put up with a porn addict! Who wants to have sex if their husband is dreaming about another woman?

You may be doing everything right and she may just truly be uninterested… however, here are some things men should know about their wife:

1) If a woman “feels” unattractive, then she doesn’t feel sexy. Exercising together, (sex is not exercise, ha ha) is a good start… a walk… just talking together as you walk will bring you closer mentally and physically.

2) Romance is important…. nothing expensive. Cheap candles from the dollar store and lots of them… draw a bath and light them all.

3) A massage.

4) Most women will think you are just trying to have sex, but prove her wrong… do the romance, candles, massage, make dinner, draw the bath, or whatever, then kiss her gently, say I love you and go to sleep snuggling her. This is hard, but do it several times… before making the move… Remember you wooed her in the beginning… you didn’t just jump in and say lets do it. With a little stroking, she will purr again! Good luck.

1. I’m tired
2. How about later
3. That’s all you ever want.

What I find frustrating is that every time I go to one of these forums it seems like it’s women claiming their husbands won’t have sex with them. I would give my left leg to be in the position that my wife would complain that I never ask her for sex. It actually hurts to think that I ended up with a wife with no sex drive. When I ask her to try to increase the frequency (we average 1 – 2 times a month) she acts like I’m some kind of pervert or that I should go to sex-aholics anonymous.

I’m at the point that I’m ready for a divorce as then I wouldn’t be made to feel guilty about my sex drive or my urge to satisfy it. My only reason for not persuing a divorce is that we have three boys and I do not want to hurt them. For now I guess I’ll just stay frustrated.

I feel you are really overwhelmed with many things in your life and unfortunately, sex,the most important thing in your relationship, is one of them.

I have just read an article on this site and if you haven’t I would recommend it to you http://www.marriagemissions.com/to-wives-why-is-sex-so-important/.

Before you make any serious moves or decisions, I will ask you to consider the following:

1. The consequences of denying sex from someone with a high sex drive
2. Is there any way of lightening or rearranging your daily schedule to accomodate your husband?

I understand how hard it may be for you doing all the housework. However I have learnt from various sources that sex ranks up there together with respect as men’s greatest needs. The consequnces of sexual deprivation are huge and devastating. You may not want to go there.

There is a lot of good advice from Godly people on this site so I am sure they will share their experiences that will help you.

He gets home and if he doesn’t like what I cooked, he messes up all the kitchen, and I have to clean it all over again after he finishes. Then he wants me to sit and watch football with him. I try to explain that I’m tired and I need to go to sleep. He always tells me, fine I will follow you. The ugliest part is that he waits till I fall asleep and then he wants what he wants. He wakes me up, yes he does… and the worst is, that he can’t leave to go to his job before he gets what he wants. So I have to wake up early with him to satisfy his needs…

Is this normal??? I’m tired; I need a break, and whenever I refuse or I say no, straight away he creates a fight and accuses me of cheating… Any help????

I do work full time and study full time; i am very busy, but being 25 I thought I would still have all the drive in the world. We do have sex at least twice a week, but she has been frustrated quite a few times because I just can’t get myself “in the mood”… It drives me crazy, and of course, her too, and I don’t want her to think I don’t want her… what is going on!?!?

I could see from the responses here that most couples are married for more than 5 years. Mine is just the begining and I’m already feeling a sense of emptiness. I feel very depressed and low in confidence and ugly sometimes whenever I look into the mirror. The feeling of being unwanted is hard to express although at times I have hinted to him about the matter but he would pretend he did not hear it or just let it pass.

Our conversation with each other is getting lesser by the day. He would come home, go on the internet, play some games, then head to bed. We are both working and I do have my fair share of stress and problems at work but that doesn’t stop me from showing him how much I love him. What could be the problem then?

One of the other hormones that can and will malfunction when you have diabetes is the Hormone Testosterone (I guess “in” means hormone). That is why the official doctor that treats Diabetes is a Hormone Doctor, or an Endocrinologist.

I’ve been told by medical professionals that 90% of your sex drive or lack of and (or) impotence is in your head, but your head doesn’t think about these things unless the Hormone Testosterone makes it think about those things. Low Testosterone will also cause Anemia, so I take Testosterone shots to fix both problems. And it works. After each shot once a month, the thoughts and moods about sex change noticably. But over time you will find other hormones are also involved, and treatment for those may need attention as well.

Instead of saying the exact problem (you might make her defensive if she already knows you have a problem with the sex life and she is the one triggering it), you might say something to the effect of “there are issues that I feel we could both benefit from in going to counseling.” Put the burden on both of you not just one of you, that way people are less likely to get defensive or feel that they are being put on the spot.

God bless you, LT