Prayer alone did not do the job. I needed to put feet under those prayer, Which means I needed to do my part while God was doing his. I felt so lonely and have suffered with depression. I finally wrote my wife a 5 page letter and read it to her, telling her how I felt about myself and our marriage. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I told her that I felt as if she did not love me enough to have sex with me. To my surprise my wife made the comment that she never knew how much the lack of sex affected me. I had never told her.

That was almost 2 years ago. And this is a very abbreviated version of our story. However, once I started focusing on doing things for my wife because I loved her, rather than just to get sex, and once I verbally told her how it make me feel, it helped. I also made a huge effort in to connect with her more on an emotional level, to listen more intently to what she was saying and to talk with her more. Things began to change. Ever so slowly but they have changed. Am I a completely sexually satisfied husband? NO. But things are so much better now than they used to be. Not only in the marriage bed, in our relationship as a whole.

One last suggestion that helped us a lot. We began reading Christian marriage books together. Some on relationships and others on married sexuality. They were a huge eye opener for BOTH of us. We began to understand how we think so differently about many things. Not that one or the others thinking is wrong but that we needed to understand how the other was seeing things.

I could type a whole lot more but will end for now. Please hang in there and seek help from God, pastors, private councilors, etc. And begin talking. It is not easy at first but the more you do it the easier it becomes. FHG

We have a 10 year old daughter together. When she was a baby I would give her a bath, feed her, change her diaper, get up in the middle of the night to take care of our baby. I’ve been with her since I was 20 years old and she is 7 years older than me. I didnt care about the age difference. I’m a good man to her. But now, for the last few years, sex is only when she wants to. Once a month, once every 3 months. The longest was 6 months without sex. AND YES I DID IT.

I make passes at her, give nice compliments on how she looks. It does not work anymore. I am tired of trying. We have been sleeping in different rooms. She denies me and it finally reached a breaking point. When she makes a pass I dont want it, and I don’t feel bad doing it. Then she starts complaining that i’m cheating, that I don’t want her. It’s so far gone, I’ve been denied so many times that I dont want it. She’s the only woman I’ve ever known. I’ve been with her since I was 20 years old and now I am 32. I am living like a 60 year old man and I don’t want to live my life like this.

Now we are going through some difficult times and heading for divorce. I tried my best to be the best man I could be for her and our daughter. She wants me to stay but i said no. We went to counseling. It’s the same thing all over again- be good; God is love.

I go to school full time for nursing & I am exhausted when I get home and want to do nothing but sleep. I love my husband with all my heart, but I get really upset because I am so tired and he is so eager to have sex & wants to do all different positions when I just really want to lay there.

Another thing, he has an addiction to porn. I don’t know if it’s because he feels rejected, but I don’t feel like that’s fair just because he may feel like a victim. Porn, in any form, for whatever reason is wrong. I find Playboy magazines and tonight found a mini porn calandar with naked girls. I pinned it up by the bed to remind him how disgusting that is when he’s a married man. I didn’t sign up to be compared to porn stars. I really need to advice because I don’t think I should have to put up with a porn addict! Who wants to have sex if their husband is dreaming about another woman?

You may be doing everything right and she may just truly be uninterested… however, here are some things men should know about their wife:

1) If a woman “feels” unattractive, then she doesn’t feel sexy. Exercising together, (sex is not exercise, ha ha) is a good start… a walk… just talking together as you walk will bring you closer mentally and physically.

2) Romance is important…. nothing expensive. Cheap candles from the dollar store and lots of them… draw a bath and light them all.

3) A massage.

4) Most women will think you are just trying to have sex, but prove her wrong… do the romance, candles, massage, make dinner, draw the bath, or whatever, then kiss her gently, say I love you and go to sleep snuggling her. This is hard, but do it several times… before making the move… Remember you wooed her in the beginning… you didn’t just jump in and say lets do it. With a little stroking, she will purr again! Good luck.

1. I’m tired
2. How about later
3. That’s all you ever want.

What I find frustrating is that every time I go to one of these forums it seems like it’s women claiming their husbands won’t have sex with them. I would give my left leg to be in the position that my wife would complain that I never ask her for sex. It actually hurts to think that I ended up with a wife with no sex drive. When I ask her to try to increase the frequency (we average 1 – 2 times a month) she acts like I’m some kind of pervert or that I should go to sex-aholics anonymous.

I’m at the point that I’m ready for a divorce as then I wouldn’t be made to feel guilty about my sex drive or my urge to satisfy it. My only reason for not persuing a divorce is that we have three boys and I do not want to hurt them. For now I guess I’ll just stay frustrated.

I feel you are really overwhelmed with many things in your life and unfortunately, sex,the most important thing in your relationship, is one of them.

I have just read an article on this site and if you haven’t I would recommend it to you http://www.marriagemissions.com/to-wives-why-is-sex-so-important/.

Before you make any serious moves or decisions, I will ask you to consider the following:

1. The consequences of denying sex from someone with a high sex drive
2. Is there any way of lightening or rearranging your daily schedule to accomodate your husband?

I understand how hard it may be for you doing all the housework. However I have learnt from various sources that sex ranks up there together with respect as men’s greatest needs. The consequnces of sexual deprivation are huge and devastating. You may not want to go there.

There is a lot of good advice from Godly people on this site so I am sure they will share their experiences that will help you.

He gets home and if he doesn’t like what I cooked, he messes up all the kitchen, and I have to clean it all over again after he finishes. Then he wants me to sit and watch football with him. I try to explain that I’m tired and I need to go to sleep. He always tells me, fine I will follow you. The ugliest part is that he waits till I fall asleep and then he wants what he wants. He wakes me up, yes he does… and the worst is, that he can’t leave to go to his job before he gets what he wants. So I have to wake up early with him to satisfy his needs…

Is this normal??? I’m tired; I need a break, and whenever I refuse or I say no, straight away he creates a fight and accuses me of cheating… Any help????

I do work full time and study full time; i am very busy, but being 25 I thought I would still have all the drive in the world. We do have sex at least twice a week, but she has been frustrated quite a few times because I just can’t get myself “in the mood”… It drives me crazy, and of course, her too, and I don’t want her to think I don’t want her… what is going on!?!?

I could see from the responses here that most couples are married for more than 5 years. Mine is just the begining and I’m already feeling a sense of emptiness. I feel very depressed and low in confidence and ugly sometimes whenever I look into the mirror. The feeling of being unwanted is hard to express although at times I have hinted to him about the matter but he would pretend he did not hear it or just let it pass.

Our conversation with each other is getting lesser by the day. He would come home, go on the internet, play some games, then head to bed. We are both working and I do have my fair share of stress and problems at work but that doesn’t stop me from showing him how much I love him. What could be the problem then?

One of the other hormones that can and will malfunction when you have diabetes is the Hormone Testosterone (I guess “in” means hormone). That is why the official doctor that treats Diabetes is a Hormone Doctor, or an Endocrinologist.

I’ve been told by medical professionals that 90% of your sex drive or lack of and (or) impotence is in your head, but your head doesn’t think about these things unless the Hormone Testosterone makes it think about those things. Low Testosterone will also cause Anemia, so I take Testosterone shots to fix both problems. And it works. After each shot once a month, the thoughts and moods about sex change noticably. But over time you will find other hormones are also involved, and treatment for those may need attention as well.

Instead of saying the exact problem (you might make her defensive if she already knows you have a problem with the sex life and she is the one triggering it), you might say something to the effect of “there are issues that I feel we could both benefit from in going to counseling.” Put the burden on both of you not just one of you, that way people are less likely to get defensive or feel that they are being put on the spot.

God bless you, LT

We do argue from time to time about these issues (she just thinks she deserves more than I can provide her), but there is nothing that I can think of that happened 3 years ago that would have caused this. I could ask her again to attend counseling, and she may agree but she will say “I know this is not going to help”. We have said some mean things to each other when we were fighting (both sides), but the fighting has really slowed down over the years (not much at all anymore), so I’m at a loss as to what may have actually triggered this.

I would guess, with almost certainty, that there is an emotional issue going on, especially because you mention the kissing issue. I would start by trying to recall what happened about 3 years ago when you noticed the change. There must have been something and I would guess, emotionally, it hasn’t been resolved for her.

Hope this helps. I would suggest marriage counseling. It might help her clear up the emotional issues and to prevent you from being tempted (and possibly following through) into the sin of adultery.

You both have some valid issues that probably need to be addressed with professional help. Hope this is helpful and I’ll keep you both in my prayers, God bless, LT

This changed about 3 years ago when she decided that she didn’t want to kiss me any longer. She said she didn’t know why, but it was something that she just did not want to do any longer. She won’t even kiss me when we are not having sex (other than a quick closed mouth peck). Then the sex frequency started to drop (now only once or twice a month, usually initiated by me). She says that she will have sex with me when ever I ask (not true usually only about 50% of the time) but I usually don’t ask anymore since now sex is usually with her shirt and bra on (she just pulls her underwear off right before the act) and there is no foreplay whatsoever. It has to be completely dark and she will just lay there until I am done.

It is as if she is no longer attracted to me and just doing it out of duty. I can barely even get an erection because of this. I want her to desire me. I have discussed this with her, to no avail. She just says that I am always complaining about sex (who wouldn’t, if this was the kind of sex they had). So I don’t initiate it anymore. She will initiate it once or twice a month, but just wants me to be instantly hard, climb on top of her and do it for about 5 minutes then finish.

My sex drive is much higher than hers. I have even asked her to compromise and have some passion in our sex life at least once a month (kissing foreplay etc.,) and I would do something for her that she desires. She has simply stated that she doesn’t get every thing she wants from the marriage, so I am going to have to simply live with it. I have been considering having a discreet affair if this goes on much longer. I do not want to divorce her, but I can’t continue like this!

I was also plagued by thought of a first love that I should not have left. I am mostly past these things. We live in a sin filled world; the effects of sin affect our own mind, our past, and those we love. Our spouses are far from perfect. Think of king David’s wives, what must their lives have been like, and he was a man after God’s own heart. The Bible is full of women who had less than perfect lives in less than ideal marriages. Queen Esther saved a nation by her marriage but could only come at the kings calling. The glory of these Godly women was not in their relationships with people but in their relationship with God. Our end goal is God; our true husband is the Lord and what awaits us is so much better that what we have. Finish the race with honor. Take control of your thoughts. God has given you the power of a controlled mind. Seek out your true Love…the God of the Bible. If you chase an earthy love, another man, you will receive an earthy reward which will quickly pass away.

I am troubled by your deep depression. It is so scary to be under the control of depression. In deep depression I was told that mind numbing drugs was the way to get over the depression and continue on with life as usual, numb to the emotional pain my spouse was causing. I concluded that I would not stay with some one who so physically abusive to me that I would fear for bodily injury. In the same way I would not stay with a man that caused so much mental abuse that I would have mental injury. I did not plan on looking for another spouse if I left, I just would not stay and take the abuse. Thankfully though I never had to act on this belief. God brought me out of my depression with a combination of counseling, prayer, Christian friends, reading the Bible, and the Holy Spirit working in my life. I don’t know if in another 20 years I will be back at the point where you are at. But for now my “sin affected” husband is my better half.

Over the years, I have told my husband how I feel, and he just ignores me. It’s like he “pretends” our problems away. When I have tried to talk to him, he just closes his eyes and falls asleep in his chair. For the last two years, I have been in counseling. My husband keeps promising me he will get counseling, but never keeps his word.

My husband and I were best friends before we ever became involved with each other. We should have never married and remained only friends. My husband is a funny person, a great friend, and never meets a stranger. Everybody loves him. But he just can’t bring himself to be a husband to me. I have spent the last 30 years of my life longing and aching for marital love from my husband.

Now, after 30 years of marriage, I am done. Over the last 30 years I have told my husband how much I needed him and how important lovemaking is to me. He knows how much I have wanted him. It seems as though he is using sex as a weapon. During this last year, I told my husband that I didn’t know how much longer I could do this because our marriage problems were making me sick (I now have major depression). Still, he didn’t want me and did nothing to improve our marriage. Finally, around 5-6 months ago I turned a corner in our relationship. And no matter how much I have tried, I can’t turn around and go back. I don’t love him any longer in the way a wife loves her husband. I believe that my marriage died, and part of me died with it. All I can think about now is getting out of this relationship. I just want to live alone and find some peace. It has become increasingly hard for me to be in the same house with him. I find myself crying several times a day. Seeing him is just a reminder of all of the hurt and rejection.

I see now why God wants a husband and wife to fulfill their marital duty to one another, because if they don’t, they can cause the other to sin. I have not had sex outside of my marriage, but I have been thinking of another man who was in my life before I married my husband. This is a man that I loved over 30 years ago. I know it’s unreasonable, but once I lost my marital love for my husband, my heart went back to the man I loved before him. I have been regretting my marriage, and regretting my breakup with the former man in my life. When we broke up over 30 years ago, he still loved me and wanted me to come back. Now I will always wonder what my life could have been had I made a different choice.

Never, in my life, did I ever think this could happen to my marriage. Even through all of the bad times and rejection, I continued to love my husband, almost desperately. I tried to leave many times, but I always came back the same day. It has been a long and hard life for me.

You mentioned that you are pregnant and that now is a great excuse for not having sex with your husband. Will you continue to use pregnancy and then taking care of a child as a reason to not have sex? Please allow me to make a comparison. Once your child is born, there will be times, in the middle of the night, or just when you are about to head out the door for something important, or when you are so exhausted that all you want to do is sleep, when your child will NEED your attention. You may not have the desire, you may not want to do what he/she needs at that moment, and you may think that you don’t have the energy to attend to there needs. But you will. You will put the needs of your child above the need for rest, your personal activities, and the need for just time to be by yourself. That is the way you need to treat your husband.

I am not saying that you totally deny yourself any enjoyment or relaxation. But rather you need to understand that sex for your husband, and for about 85% of all married men, is the way they RECEIVE love from their wives. Will they die if they don’t get it? NO. But our self-worth and our feeling of importance to our wives will be greatly diminished if we are not having sex.

After 30+ years of marriage, I finally was able to communicate to my wonderful bride that my need for sexual contact with her was how I perceived she loved me She said that she never understood, until I had the courage to explain it to her just how important sex was to me for seeing our marriage and life enjoyable.

As a man, when my wife enthusiastically has sex with me, it makes me feel like I can take on the world. There isn’t a problem in my job or my life that I can’t handle, and handle well. I also want to be very kind to her and do all I can to make her life happy and enjoyable.

My assumption is that your husband loves you dearly, and greatly desires to have a wonderful relationship with you, his wife. You mentioned that you don’t want him to stray. That would be his decision, not yours. However, are you doing enough to support him in staying faithful to his marriage?

Another thing I would suggest is that although you are pregnant right now, once you deliver and things start to get back to "normal" have your doctor check your hormone levels. An imbalance of hormones can cause havoc with sexual desire.

I hope and pray that your marriage grows stronger in the future and that you will be a great set of parents for your new young one on the way.

The following scripture addresses what you briefly mentioned about your body being his. My wife had never seen or understood this Bible verse until I showed it to her and we discussed it. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 NIV …3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. FHG, Rob

Since moving in together our sex life has really diminished (which is ironic since we started off with just sex and nothing else to our relationship). My husband doesn’t seem to get that this is an issue. He keeps telling me that there are other things to enjoy in our relationship now and that the focus does not have to be on sex. I feel that now we are a couple and in love that I want to be physically closer and more intimate. I’m not asking for sex every day but at least once or twice a week would be nice. At this point we go about 7-14 days between sex sessions. I always initiate the sex and I have to do the majority of the foreplay. And since we go so long between sex sessions, that when we are intimate my husband usually ends up finishing way before me, which makes things much less satisfying for me.

I have brought up this subject several times but the conversation seems to go no where. My husband simply says that he has a lot on his mind with his new business and paying bills, etc. to even think about sex. I understand that he is feeling stressed about finances. Who isn’t right now? But he cannot neglect me because he stressed. I try my best to forgive the fact that he doesn’t initiate anything sexual with me, even though this does bother me.

What I have trouble looking past is when I go to put the moves on him and he rejects me. I can almost count to the day which day he will actually let me make a move on him that results in sex. This I am getting very frustrated with. Then there is the whole issue of foreplay. By nature women take longer to warm up then men. Yet I have to do most of the foreplay stuff and then he wants to go from foreplay for him to sex, which means no foreplay, no petting, no touching, no oral sex, etc. for me. I’m not sure he does this on purpose but the end result is resentment.

When we do finally have sex I get sort of disappointed at the end knowing that I will have to wait another week, week and a half, two weeks, before having sex again. My husband says his low sex drive is due to stress, him being out of shape (which he also blames on me), and because there is no chase anymore. When we were dating there was a chase, a hunt to catch a mate, and now that we are married this excitement is no longer there so there is no need to chase me sexually.

I don’t think he gets that sometimes a women wants to be chased. I need to feel desirable, sexually attractive, that he wants me, and when he rejects me it hurts. That’s the bottom line… it hurts. And I don’t know how to make it better. I have tired sexy lingerie, games and toys from the sex shop, etc. but that doesn’t seem to make a difference. Not to mention how stupid it makes me feel to surprise him in sexy lingerie only to hear ‘I’m not in the mood’.

I’ve tired talking about this with him and I’ve tired ignoring it to see how long it takes him to want me. Neither of these approaches work and the latter leaves me feeling resentful and unheard. He claims he is listening and that he recognizes that there is a problem, but he is not doing anything to make thing better. I asked what I could do to help (as I’m sure it is part my fault also, although I’m not sure how) and he says there is nothing I can do about it.

The financial piece is huge for us. My husband came into our marriage with over $100,000 in debt. We are struggling to pay this off as well as maintain our house. We have no kids but many pets. There are some months when we cannot afford little things like a new pair of pants for work or a hair cut. Because this debt is not mine I get upset when my husband comes home with a stupid un-needed purchase. He is horrible with money and thinks that credit is cash, which it is not.

I could go on and on about this topic but it’s not the main focus of what’s going on for us. Since there is this huge debt that I’m helping to pay off I feel that when my husband rejects me sexually there is little benefit to being in this relationship. I know that is horrible to say because I do love my husband, but there has to be more good then not good to keep a couple together. I’m tempted to suggest counseling but I’m not sure he will agree. Any suggestions anyone? Steph

I am the lustless, uninterested mate. I know it is deeply hurting my husband and he really feels unwanted. I feel that I can now understand his perspective a bit better, but I still don’t feel compelled to "tough it out." It is really hard to explain what it is like to not desire sex at all. It is not that I am not attracted or that I don’t love him. I just don’t need that physical contact to feel close to him. I have been this way for years – and he married me anyway.

Now that I am 5 months pregnant, I feel I have an okay excuse, but it is the compounded feelings of the years leading up to the pregnancy that have caused him to reach his breaking point. I don’t want to push him to stray and I have tried just toughing it out. We have sex 2-3 times a week… pretty regular if you ask me. It is now an issue of initiation and desire. I don’t do either. He now feels that he is forcing me to do it and that no longer makes him happy.

I will pray on this, but am lost as to how I will overcome Maybe if I think of my body more as his too this will help. I just wanted to offer the perspective of the other point of view. I mean well, but I become combative and hurt when he tells me I am not attracted to him and we are going to end up divorced. To me, this is not even an option… to him, he can’t imagine the rest of his life like this. So for all of the husbands and wives who are frustrating the daylights out of everyone, love and affection is not the problem, a general disinterest in sex is. It is possible that I love him more than he loves me at times, and I feel I take the good with the bad and want him to do the same, but realize this is one area where that just isn’t good enough.

We are married for 3 1/2 years now. My husband has an 8 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I basically raised her as her mom since she was 3. There’s actually 2 things that are bothering me. First, my husband is the only intimate partner I’ve had. I was 29 when we got married and sex was great. It wasn’t the everyday or every other day type during the first year, but since he was my only intimate partner, I was content with once a week, or if lucky, 2x a week.

Both of us have stressful jobs. Last year, we bought a house. Last month, I got laid off. During the course of the last year, maybe, we had sex less than 20x. I thought that was abnormal especially for such a young marriage. When I got laid off, the burden of paying the mortgage and all the bills were put on his plate. To top it all, I earn twice more than he does, so it’s double the pressure. Our intimate times were usually initiated by me. I can only count the times when he initiated it.

The past few months, he would constantly refuse my advancements and I don’t know why. He’s still sweet, loving and very caring… but.. not in the intimacy part. He usually gives excuses and it frustrates me because I also have needs. There were times where we would not have sex for 2 months and for a 3 1/2 year-marriage, I thought that is really abnormal. I came to a point where I am about to burst.

Yesterday, I side-commented that he’s my roommate. He didn’t like it and it became a huge fight. I constantly ask myself, if I did something wrong, is it because I gained weight, etc… There is a lot of resentment and insecurity.

In relation to this, I constantly remind him about my age, being a 32-yr old woman and I wanted to have a baby soon. He’s had a bad experience with his ex about postpartum and I think that this also has something to do with why he doesn’t want to have sex.

We haven’t really tried seriously to have kids. My husband is a Christian and I am Catholic. I know that there was something written in the Bible about sex but I didn’t know what exactly until I read it in this discussion. I am very frustrated and my self-esteem is low. I don’t know what to do to make him want to have sex with me.

Thank you for all the posts. It’s nice to know that I am not alone.

Because of the caring and guidance of a very dear pastor and his wife and finally accepting that God created me with this desire I was able to gain some peace within myself. One of the best things we ever did was view the Laugh Your Way Series by Mark Gungor. To my surprise my wife made the comment "I never knew that sex was that important to you or to men in general." "And that God made us that way."

Over the past several months our marriage has blossomed. We still have quite a few things to work out, but we are working on them "together". Thank God. Guess what I am trying to say is, that for us, it was just a matter of knowing how each of us viewed our sexuality and the acceptance that God created each of us that way. Also, understanding that sex with your spouse is a GIFT from God and a gift to your spouse.

I realize that this is a simplified answer to a very complicated question. But it can be worked out with the help of God, and a willingness to follow His direction. God Bless you All.

Even before Cindy and I were married, I struggled with pornography addiction. When I gave my life to Christ in 1974 I "expected" that God would just take that struggle away. He didn’t. And because Cindy wasn’t giving me what I needed from her I felt that gave me "license" to continue, even though I knew it was wrong and I was wrought with guilt and shame.

I tell you this because Cindy shared a little with you about putting up "hedges" in your marriage. The enemy (Satan) is going to use every tool he has to try and get you to be unfaithful to your wife. That’s what he did to me. And I fell for his lies: "She’s holding out on you; you have every right to be satisfied. It’s not like you’re going out and getting a prostitute. You’re staying faithful to your wife."

Praise God! He also did a healing in my life. But I will always have the "bent" to that sin. Part of it is we men are "sexual" beings. God gave us that desire (urge). When it works the way God intended in the marriage relationship, it is a beautiful thing.

Mark Gungor wrote the book, "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage" which is based on his weekend seminar. I’ve never heard a better explanation about why God gives us men the sexual urges He does until Cindy and I were in Gungor’s seminar. You need to get the book, and if possible I suggest you also buy the DVD of the weekend seminar. It’s life/marriage changing material. If you want to get it, all you have to do is go back to our Home page and click on the window to Amazon.Com.

As a guy I know the mentality of how we just want to "fix" the problems we encounter. That’s especially true in this case when the fix is as "easy as your wife having sex with you." Sadly, as you (and I) realize, it really isn’t that simple. And yet God calls us to be faithful and sacrificially loving at all times and in all situations.

Cindy and I both know God wants to help your wife find total and complete healing from her past and change her heart towards your sexual relationship. But she HAS to get to the point where she is so sick of being held prisoner to her pain that she will be willing to do anything to find the healing that God has. That’s what happened to Cindy. And it can happen to your wife, too.

Don’t ever give up hope – "Do not become weary in well doing; for you will reap a harvest if you do not give up." (Galatians 6:9) Do whatever is necessary to pray and believe that your wife WILL change (by God’s grace) and to stay faithful at all times in thought…and deed.

Warren, I hope this encourages you just a little. Cindy and I will be praying for both of you. Steve

First off, I rejoice with you that you and your wife have worked through so many difficult issues. You are so much further along than many, many couples. Praise God you worked through what you did and came out on the better end!

But as you are experiencing, that doesn’t mean that there can’t still be some “embers” burning below the surface, even so. And unfortunately, they can erupt into a full-forced negative fire if they aren’t dealt with properly.

I have to say that the issue you bring up is really tough. I truly sympathize with you (and my husband can especially relate). I can relate on a different level because like your wife, I had sexual issues from my past that caused all kinds of problems after we married. Unfortunately, like your wife, I put my head in the sand and figured my husband would just have to find a way to “deal with it” because I fooled myself into thinking that it was more of his problem than mine — I could live without sexual intimacy, why couldn’t he? I didn’t see the importance, and for that reason, my husband suffered greatly with so many questions, urges, trying to deal with those urges, etc. When I think of how unfair this was to him, I’m ashamed of the depth of my insensitivity.

Sure, I had “ghosts” in my past that led to a lot of my/our struggles. And they were very painful ones to face. But I now see that I needed to face and properly deal with them because they caused more problems in the long-run when I didn’t make it my mission to find healing in this area. My husband ended up being victimized many years afterward by those that victimized me because I didn’t go further to get the healing I needed.

It seemed that as long as I didn’t have to deal with my husband’s need to be sexually intimate, I was and we were… “fine.” At least that’s how I saw it. But that’s not reality. I didn’t recognize the importance that it was to my husband. I down-played his urges and sadly, even shamed him at times because I felt that he was just “too sexual” and needed to be in better “control” of these urges, which seemed excessive to me. Because I didn’t hold the same importance on these matters, in my thinking, I figured he shouldn’t. (I was thinking very much like most females think… but my husband isn’t female.) By withholding myself from him in this way, I was denying who he was, and is, and how God designed him.

Sure, there are times we all have to practice restraint, but I took it way too far. I projected my ways to be that which he should embrace, and that was wrong. I am truly sorry that it took me so long to recognize this to deal with it.

It took me a number of years into our marriage before the Lord started to little-by-little get through to me that I was wrong. My husband tried to be patient with me (sometimes though, his patience ran pretty thin). He tried to be more understanding and tried to deny himself and often wondered why he couldn’t live without us being closer to each other in this aspect of our marriage. When I think of the struggles I put him through, I feel so sad for him.

I thank God that he remained faithful to me and truly tried to work on himself, rather than leaving me. I know he was tempted at times because the enemy of our faith sure works over-time when there is an area of weakness in our marriage.

I’m also thankful that I didn’t end up in an affair myself. I’ve seen women do this (I have a relative whose wife did this). They had sex before marriage and yet after they were married, she withdrew because of her past coming up to haunt her. She ended up having an affair and it threw him off-guard. How could she do this and deny him? They weren’t Christians so they didn’t work to keep the marriage together. It was tragic all the way around.

As far as why a woman would be sexual one time and not the next and then be sexual with someone else — I can’t really explain. Your wife SAYS it’s because she’s not “attracted” to you. I’m not so sure, but I don’t know for sure. The mind is a complicated thing. When it gets messed with (as your wife’s mind was messed with because of her past) reasoning can get jumbled. What is up appears to be down and visa versa.

But God can bring wholeness to our thinking and help us to live beyond our own reasoning to see things as God and others see them (as well as how we see SHOULD them). He did that for me and others I know, so I know this is possible. Please don’t give up hope that God can help you and your wife through this confusing and sad time. It’s amazing what He can do. But sometimes we just have to persevere past our timetable and accept things the way they are for the time.

Warren, I have to say that I don’t really have much advice for you that will change things right now. I can tell you that eventually God got through to me (so I know He can get through to your wife). I’m sure much of it is because my husband Steve kept praying for me and because I keep reaching to be all God created me to be, so it was inevitable that He wouldn’t let me go without addressing this cancerous situation in my heart. I was in complete denial as to the harm it was causing on so many levels. God knew this and worked on me until I couldn’t deny what He was revealing to me. If I would have stayed in denial, I would have stunted my growth.

Thank God, I responded to what God was showing me as I should have. But by the grace of God, we would still be struggling in this area — which we aren’t. God has blessed our sexual life in wonderful ways!

My husband Steve has been extremely busy, but he told me that he is going to make a point of trying to write something to you as well. I will let him minister from a man’s standpoint. But I want to impress upon you to guard your heart. Your wife doesn’t realize it, but she is leaving you in a very vulnerable spot in your life. She may not realize this, but the enemy of our faith does, so be on the alert! He will keep working on you to cause problems.

We have articles on this web site that tell you how to put “hedges” and boundaries up so you aren’t as tempted to fall, despite the weaker areas of your life. Please read them. Remain faithful, despite all that is going on inside of you. This is between you and God — don’t allow yourself to fall no matter what is happening (or isn’t happening) in your marriage. Be a man of integrity. Integrity is doing what is right, even when no one (but God) is looking.

Also, know that things can turn around on a dime sometimes. It may be something your wife reads, or a speaker she hears, or someone else or God Himself, who speaks to her heart to help her come to realize that she needs to deal properly with her lack of desire for being intimate with you. The Bible tells us not to deny each other except for times of prayer, so the fact that she is denying you, says that there is an area of her life that she needs to work on with God. I pray that your wife opens her eyes sooner rather than later. But all the same, stay true to who God created you to be. Don’t allow yourself to fall.

Lora asked you a good question. “Does your wife have a female friend she can share these burdens with?” But I take it a step further, does she have a female friend that is wise that she could talk to, or WILL talk to? Not every friend will respond in a way that is truly best and wise. I’ve found this to be true. Many “friends” don’t give good advice. Their motives may be pure, but their advise isn’t.

But if I had a friend that shared with me the things you mention in your comment, I would first cry with her because of the past (and possibly present) circumstances that brought her to this place. She has been severely traumatized to the point that it is effecting her even today and that is truly sad. But as difficult as that is, I would then be honest and tell her that she really needs to work on her issues. I would be that kind of a friend to her. I would hurt with her, but I would also be firm with her as well. Anything that comes between us as husband and wife that builds a wedge, needs to be dealt with. It needs to be our mission. And the sexual area is as important as any.

Pray for her. Keep asking God for wisdom. Guard your heart. Ask God to help you to continue to be a man of character, integrity, and strength no matter what happens. Love your wife. Don’t let the enemy of our faith use this to build a wedge between you to the point that it causes the downfall of your marriage.

You may want to view your wife as having a silent type of cancer in her that she isn’t even aware of. If she had cancer and it severely damaged the part of her that would allow her to have sexual relations with you, would you throw her out? Or would you find a way by the grace of God to deal with it and love her none-the-less? I hope you would love her no matter what.

From what I see, she has a cancer within her that she doesn’t even know about or is in complete denial that it is true. God can work with her on this. Don’t get in God’s way of dealing with her and revealing this to her. Work on your issues to help you and keep praying that God will work on hers and show you how you can be His colleague in this matter. Just don’t get in the way.

I pray God’s blessing upon you Warren. I pray God will give you an extra measure of grace and self-control and will help you to be the man of God and the husband that He has ordained that you are to be. Don’t lose hope or faith and lean upon the Lord as you need. He is able to keep you strong and keep you from doing that which you shouldn’t. Call upon Him… OFTEN!!!