Don’t do it thinking you are getting laid, just have fun Stop trying to have sex; let that go for a while. Just go somewhere to talk. Start with “what would you do with a million bucks”, or “what’s your favorite thing about being a parent”, whatever. Then over time, work your way into your each other’s secrets. “What’s the most devious thing you’ve done” Make her feel like she knows you, and get her to open up and let you know her. Then re-introduce the romance stuff way later, but back off a bit. You dudes are trying way too hard. Plus, she’s probably sick of all that. Give her time to breathe.

I love my wife and know how much potential for intimacy there is because we used to get at it like rabbits (if that means frequently) before we got married. BUT ever since we got married, THAT flew out thru the window. At first I thought it was because she got pregnant and the hormones just were against any kind of intimacy! So for the first year I went without sex! Sometimes ignorance can be a good thing coz I was patient throughout. But after she got pregnant after the second time we resumed intimacy I was freaked out.

My frustration led me to seek sex elsewhere to ‘ease the tension’ at home as it were. I took the ’safe’ route of cavorting with a divorcee who was mature enough not to interfere with my normal patterns but welcomed the comfort and friendship of a non-committed lover. This also freaked my mind that I got respect, honor and empathy from someone I felt ‘cold’ towards, rather than from my own love!

All that stopped when I committed my life to Christianity but alas our own sex at home didn’t take off. Its been over ten years since I recommitted to a fully monogamous relationship. Things have not changed and I think I have reached the end of my tether… I am at a loss what to do. Attempts to go for counselling have not helped. She is not happy, I am not happy.

As it turns out, I really have no energy for another relationship; but I also lack the desire to try at my mine. I need help.

I wanted to ask you, is it possible your wife was sexually abused or raped in her past? That is what kept coming to me strongly as I read your post. I have a VERY dear friend (one of my best friends) who was raped when she was quite young and acted the same way as you describe your wife and never even realized it until recently that the rape was what was causing her to go weeks without needing or wanting sex. She and her husband had a talk that ended up landing on their thoughts about sex and that’s when it sort of came out and God opened her eyes to it.

I don’t know if that’s the case with your wife but you definitely need to talk about it, even if you know she hasn’t been violated in her past. It sounds like you both have a respectful enough relationship with one another to be able to discuss things out of care and concern, and that it won’t go sour and get ugly? Not everyone has good communication (dare I say a luxury, as it is in some marriages) so if you have that then it helps to be able to talk about more serious topics and you have a better chance at resolution or some sort of meeting of the minds. If nothing else, perhaps you can just tell her you’d like it once a week or once every other week, even if she doesn’t want to. It might sound methodical but sometimes that’s the compromise that comes with marriage.

The Bible says to render due benevolence – husbands and wives are both supposed to do that. I Corinthians 7:3 Be blessed.

However, for her, none of this translated to the bedroom. None of it. We never had that "Newlywed Time" that you hear so much about. Skipped right passed that to the Once a month phase right after the honeymoon. Some wives it seems, don’t respond to romance the way is hinted at in the article. It’s not connected somehow. It is for me. For me, romance ultimately leads to extreme frustration because I cannot divorce romance from attraction, excitement and arousal. When I spend time with my wife, I’m attracted and excited by her. Of course I am! How could I not be?

I kind of gave up after 6 yrs., not completely of course, but more as a means of keeping my frustration in check. (If I’m desperately hungry but have no money, I really DON’T want to walk by a bakery and smell the bread baking. Its self-torture.)

It actually seems to me, (closer to 2 decades now) that the more romantic I get, the LESS luck I have. She desires me the most when I pull away from her for a long time. Then she notices. I’m not advocating this by any means but it’s just a fact. When I’m rebuffed continuously for weeks, the frustration builds and I wont approach her for a couple weeks either. But to do that, I shut off the romance too. I don’t know how to be romantic without being aroused by my wife. I can’t do it – I’m extremely attracted to my wife. I LOVE my wife. I "know" she loves me too. I actually even believe that. I really do. I know it, but I don’t usually feel it. Somehow for her, it just doesn’t translate into desire. She says she desires me but I think we have different definitions for the word.

Romance is fun. I love being romantic with my wife. I really do and she loves it too, but for me it leads to more acute desire/arousal etc. For her, it just leads to warm fuzzies, nothing more. On V-Day, after a nice day, dinner, flowers candy, movie etc, walking hand in hand etc and a she’ll even say "That was a "perfect" day!" Then jammies and sleep. While I stare at the ceiling till 4am. : )

I guess I grew frustrated reading the article, because part of the premise was that husbands will get more of what "they want" if they are more romantic with their wives. I actually believe that to probably be true for most people, but it can also lead extreme frustration for some. I still romance my wife because I love her, albeit not to the level that I once did, but there can be a heavy price to pay.