How to Save Your Marriage Alone
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Christian psychiatrist Paul D. Meier says that there are “only 3 choices for any person involved in an unhappy marriage: (1) get a divorce —the greatest cop-out and by far the most immature choice; (2) tough out the marriage without working to improve it —another immature decision but not quite as irresponsible as divorce; and (3) maturely face up to personal hang-ups and choose to build an intimate marriage out of the existing one —the only really mature choice to make.”
In your case, the moment of truth has come, for your partner probably has already ruled out the second option and chosen the first without even considering the third. The question is, “What will you do?” Surrender to the pressures of the world’s way of thinking and the emotions of the moment? Or make a choice based on confidence in the eternal truths of Scripture?
The stakes are higher than one may realize at the time. One choice clearly leads to the bitterness and defeat of divorce as well as lost opportunities for blessing. “Divorce is more painful than death,” a woman told me, “because it’s never really over.”
Dr Meier says that when couples run away from their problems by divorcing and remarrying, “then there are four miserable people instead of just two…. Why spread misery?” he asks. “Bad marriages are contagious! Numerous psychiatric marriage relationships get divorced —no matter how good their intentions may be —they nearly always remarry into the very same type of neurotic relationship they had before.”
When you choose the pathway of irrevocable commitment to your mate and your marriage —regardless of how troubled your relationship may seem —you will find that choice leading you into a place of agape love and peace and personal growth. These are just some of the rewards, for the chances are very good that you will also be able to enjoy the blessings that God has wanted to bestow on your marriage from the beginning.
I am not suggesting that the healing of a marriage is an easy process when one partner resists it. But are any easy choices open to you, after all? Torn relationships involve pain, whatever you do about them. As Peter points out in his first letter, it is far better to suffer (if suffer you must) for doing right, than for doing wrong. He makes it clear that God’s favor and blessing shine on the one who patiently suffers, if necessary, in order to do His will. Meeting your marriage problems in a biblical manner is productive rather than pointless, and whatever hurts your encounter will be less damaging than the long-term effects of divorce would be.
“The very word divorce should be cut out of the vocabulary of a couple when they marry,” a woman with a restored marriage said, “because God’s way is so much better for anyone who is willing to give it a try.”
Another woman, considering the turbulent events of the past year that had driven her to grow emotionally and spiritually while she “loved her husband back” to their marriage, said, “It’s been all gain for me. I’m a different person now. The process was humbling, but it was worth it!”
A man said, “During the time when I was trying to win my wife’s love and hold our family together, sometimes I got so tired of rejection that I didn’t feel anything except a determination to do what the Bible said and leave the results with God. The only thing I was sure of was that somehow God would work it out for my good because He promised that in His Word. I never imagined the love affair He has actually given us. He really does do more than we can ask or think!”
While these comments from the far side of the problem are encouraging, I understand that the feelings you may be experiencing right now within the problem are less than pleasant. Many others have been where you are now and can empathize with what you are going through: shock, hurt, rejection, emotional confusion, temptation to bitterness, and of course, pressures from all sides that sometimes make you want to give up.
My heartfelt goal is to help you clarify your thoughts, stabilize your emotions, and learn to behave in a consistent, purposeful way that will save your marriage and bring a new dimension of love into your relationship.
So, if you are willing to make a commitment to your marriage based on the eternal principles and promises of the Word of God, you can take heart and let hope grow in promises of the Word of God, you can take heart and let hope grow in proportion to your commitment. Contrary to what the world believes, one person can save a marriage. In fact, most of the people I counsel belong in this category. Even when both come to see me, one is usually dragging the other along, in a manner of speaking, and only one really cares about the outcome in most cases.
Marriage counselor Anne Kristin Carroll says, “If you think there’s no hope because you are the only one in your relationship who wants or cares enough to try to save your marriage, you are wrong!” She adds, “In my experience most torn marriages are brought to new life, new vitality by the interest, basically, of only one party.” This has been my experience as well. I have seen numerous marriages saved when only one partner applied biblical principles in a whole hearted commitment to the mate and the marriage.
Some have not been saved. Usually this is because the individual is convinced that nothing will change the partner —that the longstanding problem of alcoholism or financial irresponsibility or whatever cannot be solved, and he or she simply gives up.
Occasionally, the partner desiring a divorce has developed such a strong emotional attachment to another person that it is not broken off in time to save the marriage. Often, however, this infatuation ends while the divorce is being delayed and the unfaithful partner thanks the committed mate for standing fast and preserving the marriage.
In a relatively few cases, one partner pressured by family and “loyal” friends, develops a deep bitterness toward the other and is actually encouraged in this hostility by parents and even, sometimes, church members so that efforts at reconciliation may be unavailing.
But in the great majority of cases, the outcome depends squarely on the committed partner’s ability to behave consistently in accord with biblical principles designed by the Author of marriage. So, in a very literal sense, it is all up to you. You need not expect your partner to do anything constructive about the marriage if he or she wants out.
Clarifying Your Thoughts
When the Bible says, “Gird up the loins of your mind” (1 Peter 1:13), it means to get your mental powers in a state of alertness for proper action. You must do this without delay. Often the Lord will provide the opportunity for some quiet, uninterrupted Bible study and prayerful consideration of God’s plan for your situation. You may also learn some important things about yourself during this time.
When one husband moved out, his parents lovingly helped the wife by keeping the children several weeks while she prepared mentally and spiritually for the challenges ahead.
One young wife was ready to dissolve her marriage until a friend in her garden club led her to the Lord. “I only knew two Scriptures at the beginning,” the wife said, “but they were exactly what I needed: ‘God is not a man, that he should lie’ (Numbers 23:19) and ‘With God nothing shall be impossible’ (Luke 1:37).
“With those truths as a foundation I began to study the Bible, desperately trying to dig out God’s purpose for marriage and all that He had to say about it. I found out for myself that if I were to obey Him, then I would have to become committed to my marriage and my husband, even though he was involved with another woman and we were on the verge of divorce.
“Coming to this decision didn’t make things any easier emotionally at first, but it did show me a clear path of action, and the situation actually became less complicated because there was no more confusion about what to do! I refused to sign the divorce papers. I had gathered evidence identifying the other woman and proving my husband’s unfaithfulness. I destroyed it all. I didn’t need it anymore.”
A University of Chicago professor described this generation’s dilemma with the now familiar quotation: “We lack the language to teach what is right and wrong.” But the Bible-believing Christian caught in an emotionally fraught situation does not have that problem. The language of God concerning divorce is plain enough for any reader. For example:
For the Lord, the God of Israel says: I hate divorce and marital separation, and him who covers his garment [his wife] with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit [that it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate] (Malachi 2:16 AMP).
He replied, ‘Have you never read that He Who made them from the beginning made them male and female’. And said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be united firmly (joined inseparably) to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder’ (separate) (Matthew 19:4-6 AMP).
As you try to gain clarity of thought concerning your marital situation viewed in light of the teaching of Scripture, I suggest that you read the first five chapters of the book, Love Life for Every Married Couple and search the Scriptures that have to do with marriage. Let me remind you once more of the eternal principle that undergirds the biblical counsel we offer: It is God’s will in every marriage for the couple to love each other with an absorbing spiritual, emotional, and physical attraction that continues to grow throughout their lifetime together.
It should be crystal clear that God intends for you and your mate to picture the love-bond of Christ and His church and that you must beware of substitutes who sometimes find their way into the vacuum of a troubled relationship. Obviously, infidelity and divorce are paths that move away from God’s plan and blessing. But when you pour yourself into restoring love to your marriage, you can be sure that the force of His will is at work with you in the process.
It is important to fill your mind with positive biblical input: biblical counseling, preaching, and teaching; good books and Bible-study tapes; and friends who will affirm you in your commitment to your marriage. You need to take in truth from those who are as committed to the permanence of marriage as the Bible is. And don’t listen to anyone else! Develop tunnel vision in this area as Proverbs 4:25-27 commands:
Let your eyes look directly ahead, and let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you. Watch the path of your feet, and all your ways will be established. Do not turn to the right nor to the left; turn your foot from evil (NASB).
You need to maintain this total mental commitment to the truth or you will be swamped by waves of human opinion and bad advice, sometimes from seemingly religious people.
One young man came to me, confused because he had been told to do nothing to win back his wife. He had been told to concentrate on his vertical relationship with God. I said to him, “This is true, but you can please God only when you are doing what the Bible says you are to do. You must be right in line with God’s Word. We have no other direction for this life. When we are in total accord with the Word, then we can relax and God has the freedom to work with us. He always works with us on the basis of the information that we have from His Word. So the more you know of the Word of God concerning marriage and love and His abhorrence of divorce, the more equipped you will be to let God do His full work and have His full way in your life.”
“I had to take a stand on this matter of outside influence,” a wife told me. “Everyone has been anxious to give me advice about my marriage. I refuse to discuss it with people who hold an unbiblical viewpoint, or people who try to turn me against my husband, or people who make me feel sorry for myself and encourage weakness in me. I can’t afford to be around worldly friends anymore. They tear me down; they tear my husband down. They may mean well, but they are so misguided. I want to be with people who will stand with me and support me when I might falter.”
When your mind is settled, your thoughts clarified, and your commitment made, you will find that you no longer lie at the mercy of outside events, reacting to every new circumstance with fresh pain and bewilderment. Instead, your viewpoint becomes, “This is what I am going to do, no matter what, because it is God’s way to do it. I can count on His wisdom, and I can trust Him with the results of a course of action based on His Word.”
“I’m not standing by my marriage anymore on the basis of what the outcome will be,” one woman told me. “People urge me to dump my husband, give up on him because he’s made my life miserable; they tell me I deserve someone better, that I wouldn’t have any trouble finding someone else to love me.
My answer is that marriage is sacred; marriage is permanent; I am committed by my marriage vows; I am one flesh with my husband; and then I really shock them! I tell them that even if there is no happy ending for our marriage, I will not regret the stand I have taken. I will know that I made the right decision and followed the only course possible for me. I will have done all that I could.
“But my trust is not in what I am dong,” she added. “It is in God and His Word. He has a perfect, loving plan for my life, and He’s wise enough and powerful enough to carry it out, if I cooperate by following His counsel. So I’m going to keep on obeying Him in my marriage and I’ll leave the results with Him. I am at peace with that.”
[Marriage Missions editors' note: The authors, Dr Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perkins go on from this point to include a lot more valuable advice. For many different reasons, including honoring their copyright privileges, we need to shorten this article. Plus we think you need to obtain the book yourself because of the additional advice you'll benefit from reading. But we do want to end this article with some practical advice that was given at the end of this chapter hoping it will spur you on to start this journey towards saving your marriage, even if you have to try to do it alone.]
A happy wife wrote me a note of thanks for my counsel which gave her the courage to stick with her marriage. She said, “One little thing you said to me meant so much. You said, ‘So what if your husband doesn’t tell you he loves you right now!” I knew you were right. I really wasn’t that important.“ This wife found that putting up with a little rejection was worth it in the long run in order to have a revitalized marriage.
I have talked with many women who tell me that when they do not feel their husband’s love, the Lord has a way of loving them that is almost tangible. “Like being in the sunshine, just feeling the warmth of His love,” several wives agreed.
A lovely young wife carried that a step further in her own trying situation. She said that it was often difficult dressing to go out for the evening with her husband because she knew in advance that he would not treat her the way she longed to be treated. So she developed the habit of thinking of the Lord Jesus as her friend and escort of the evening. “It helped me tremendously,“ she said. “I looked my best for Him, I behaved my best for Him, and I was constantly aware of His steadying presence with me!”
In summary, you need to give love to your mate biblically, emotionally, and physically whether you receive a response or not. This is altogether possible through agape love. One wife, whose husband was involved with another woman, said, “I tried to show him that my love for him did not depend on how he treated me. I still showed him physical affection. I said to him sometimes, ‘I love you, no matter what you are doing right now, and I believe the Lord means for us to be together.’ I sent him little cards with appropriate messages that messages that expressed my caring while we were apart. And, do you know, when we reconciled, I found that he had saved every one of them!”
I asked some wives who had been through the experience to give me their list of do’s and don’ts for any woman trying to save her marriage. Here are the excellent suggestions they compiled:
• There can be no growth in your relationship as long as there is doubt as to your commitment to your marriage. Make your commitment!
• When your husband withholds his love, trust the Lord to meet your emotional needs. He won’t let you down!
• Give your husband honor, love, and biblical respect even though his actions do not deserve it. Give him warm acceptance no matter what. The more hopeless your situation is, the more your loving behavior is apt to be accepted as genuine.
• Don’t try to reform your husband. Just love him.
• Live one day at a time.
• Don’t try to do it on your own. The Lord is with you!
• Don’t be bitter against anyone in the situation. Never turn your children against their father. Forgive!
• Don’t ask family or friends to take sides against your husband.
• Don’t discuss your intimate marriage problems. Don’t give fuel to gossip. Confide in the Lord, your counselor, and perhaps a close Christian friend whom you can trust to keep silence.
• Choose your biblical counselor wisely. Never discuss your problems with a friend of the opposite sex.
• Spend as much time in the Word of God as possible.
• Concentrate on yourself, redeeming the mistakes you made, and asking God to show you how to change, rather than concentrating on your partner’s failures.
• Do not separate. Encourage your husband to stay in the home, no matter what.
• Do not give your husband a divorce. Do all in your power to delay or prevent it. If you must consult a lawyer, make it clear to the lawyer that it is only for your financial protection and that of your children. Find a Christian lawyer who will help you preserve your marriage.
• Spend your time with people who will encourage you in spiritual growth.
• Do not overcompensate with your children. They need your love and stability while their father is gone, but they still need discipline. It will be hard to build a new love relationship with your husband when he does come home if the children are out of control.
• Do not try to defend yourself from gossip or criticism. Keep your mouth shut. The Lord will fight for you and you will hold your peace.
• Remember that the most innocent thing you say will get twisted. Avoid loose talk and do not listen to tale-bearing.
• When you do anything (large or small) to pull the marriage apart, you are going against God’s will. Let that be your guideline for all decisions.
• Don’t expect your husband to change overnight when he does come back home.
• The hardest time may be when you are reconciled and you have a tendency to fall back into old habit patterns. Don’t do it!
• Hope all things, believe all things, and endure all things.
The above article goes on to give more helpful information including a first person narrative expository of the love story of Hosea, from the Bible. This article comes from the book Love Life for Every Married Couple
They also have a shorter version of this book which is a mass market paperback titled, How to Save Your Marriage Alone
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(CANADA) Hi all, I just want to comment on this first. I have read this book HOW TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE ALONE and it’s a great book. It gave me a lot of hope. I’m trying through prayer to save my marriage with a man who’s really withdrawn. I’m learning how to love my husband when it’s the hardest to do so. I need to practice a lot of these things, and for sure writing him little notes is a way to start. Thanks a lot for this message. It’s very insightful, especially when one is going through a storm. May God bless you all.
(US) I have not read the book or any books. I looked up online about God and marriage. I’ve gotten a lot of positive insight, and have found a new relationship with GOD since going through this. Its been 5 months and 3 days since my husband of 21 years told me I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore; I want a divorce. He doesn’t want to work it out. I asked if there’s someone else and he said no, I don’t want anyone else. I want to be me and think about me for a while. He said that he needed to live for him for a while.
He brought papers home. I didn’t want to sign them but I didn’t want to argue. So I signed them saying this isn’t what I want but I love you enough to sign. We’re supposed to be divorced next month, but we have to take a class for the kids. He says we’re taking it but then we haven’t gone. I’m confused cause he talks about when we’re divorced. He doesn’t live in the home but all his stuff is here. He turned 39 and said my life is almost over, and now he’s dressing younger, looking in the mirror more, lost weight, and well, he shows no action to want to be with me and no, I love you at all. So I thought midlife crisis, because he’s going through a personal manhood problem and in some ways I am happy, but then this could also be one of his problems with his feeling. I mean he did tell me he disconnected from me in the beginning of 2012 and didn’t keep me in the loop. He was still saying I love you and making love to me.
On Jan 2 we got into a fight, and that’s when he said I don’t know if I love you anymore. Then by the 5th of January nope. So here were are today. I love him and am in love with him. I am the only one fighting besides God. I just hope that God can and will bring us back togther and heal us and our marriage before my deadline here on earth. I hope that he will help heal and change my hubby’s heart even though my hubby isn’t fighting to save us or our marriage. I truly believe that my hubby is going through a lot and is not able to feel the “in love” part and is just running to try and find him because he’s lost.
I know that I did stop caring at one time so he saw I did what I wanted when I wanted and it was selfish. But through this I have changed, and did a 180. I’ve shown him that the Rachel he fell in love with is that person again and that we can be happy and deserve another chance. I’m so scared and am just hoping that God wants the same thing I do, and is fighting with me. This heartbreak and pain is almost unbearable. I’m glad I found this site. I’ve enjoyed reading the stories. Thank you.
(USA) Rachel, I feel your pain as I read your letter. Your story mirrors mine – almost exactly. The feelings are so fresh, so raw. My husband has not brought papers home but he wants to separate – move out. My heart has never hurt so deeply. I pray for God to give me strength and wisdom. I have never loved anyone as deeply as I love him and want that love to continue forever. I want him to love me back but he can’t do that right now and says he doesn’t know if “that kind of love” will ever return. He’s being incredibly mature and I can tell he’s put a lot of thought into how he’s feeling right now. He’s lost. He’s not happy. He needs to find himself again.
I truly believe those are the reasons but I wish I could help him through this. We have lost our connection. I took him and his love for granted and have not been the wife he deserved because I thought he’d always be there. Now, I fear that may not be the case. Rachel, I pray we both have our happy ending and that God will grant us the strength and wisdom to endure. Best wishes.
(USA) I am going thru the same thing. Knowing I’m not the only one with this battle helps. I just wished my husband knew he wasn’t the only one with his battle. It brings hope knowing that other people are surviving the same issues. I have not been the wife that stands by his side because I thought he was at fault. I have created this turmoil in our life and now I want to fix it. I am committed to fix it. God give me the strength.
(IRELAND) I came across this web site when a friend recommended that I should check on line for the power of a praying woman. I have been blessed. It is encouraging that I am not alone as per marriage struggle. Alcohol, smoking, and another woman has always been a problem.
At times I am so weak and confused that I don’t have strength to carry on but I am still determined to try some of the advice offered. Please pray for me.
(USA) Father, I pray that your spirit will give the peace to know that you are the one who hold the marriage together and that you send your angels to do your word and that you bring this marriage for the glory of your son Jesus.
(USA) My husband has already seen an attorney and has filed for divorce. I deeply love him and believe he loves me, yet he can not forgive me for "controlling" him due to an unrealistic phobia I had about his relationship with his ex-wife.
It seems there is NO ONE (Christian or non-Christian) who is encouraging him to remain married and honor his vows. We have both been married before, and some even seem to suggest he should return to his ex-wife. PLEASE join me in praying for my marriage – I’ll keep you updated!
(USA) Father, for your son’s glory that your spirit will touch their hearts and your will be done.
(USA) SHELIA USA, I know what you feel, no one is telling my husband either. We have been separated for 2 months now, and it’s very hard. I want to call him all the time. I even what to have him come over. I kicked him out because he was cheating. He would never tell me the truth in my face, and he knows I hate a liar. All I can say is, hold on to God’s unchanging hand. He will make a way. My husband filed for a divorce. It broke my heart and my spirit. I was really crushed until I called this pastor and she prayed and said that this is the time for me to get in to God. She said everything will be ok. God has been working on me very much. I have given my husband and the divorce over to God totally. All I do is pray for him and our marriage.
(USA) I find this all so uplifting. I am just about to start a season of prayer for my marriage. It is so bad and I know I am the victim but I know I need to fight for my marriage. I believe God brought us together for a reason. Divorce is so final and painful for all involved, especially children. I feel it would be such a waste!!
(USA) My husband and I hardly talk sometimes. The intimate things have almost but disappeared. He no longer wants me doing wifely things for him. I tried to talk to him recently, let him know I want our life back (he has done everything there is to make me fed up). He wished me "good luck in trying to fix it. I felt hurt. I am angry because I did not bring it to this point on my own but I have started to pray because I love him and we have a child to think about. Thanks for this website because these ideas are going to help me. I will be using the scriptures to help me in my new challenge.
All out there need to hang on…divorce is ugly and is not of the Lord. So pray without ceasing.The Lord said whatever we shall ask in His name will be granted unto us.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband and I have only been married for a year. He was married to someone else for 16 years before we got married and he has children. Lately we just cannot seem to stop fighting and today we had such a bad fight that he told me that he doesn’t know what he wants anymore.
I am beside myself as his eyes said DIVORCE. It was only our 1 year anniversary yesterday and if he feels like this now, how will it be in 10 years if we even reach 10 years?
(RSA) I wish to save and fight for my marriage. I believe I can learn a thing or two.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am so blessed by this website. My husband and I are separated, but I am trusting God for restoration. December last year he told me he doesn’t want to be married anymore, after a year of being married. I then discovered he was having an affair, and had moved in with the other woman. One day he came home with another woman, packed away almost all our furniture and left. I have not seen him since. This happened this year in September.
He has been saying he filed for divorce, however by the grace of God we are still married. I am so blessed by the testimonies I have read and I need you to stand with me, pray with me and encourage me to keep trusting God.
(US) I want to know the outcome if any yet please.
(KUWAIT) Hi Joan, I am commenting on your post as it seems very similar to my situation at present, however thank the Lord there is no other woman (or not that I know of –but believe that there isn’t).
I noticed that your post was in 2008 and was hoping that everything worked in God’s favour in the end for you! Please will you let me know. I do not want to lose faith and hope as I really do love my Husband very much and don’t want to let him go
Thank you.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi everyone. It’s unbelievable how many challenges we are facing in our marriages. My husband is working in Ghana. He got this offer sometime last year and did not hesitate to take the offer without discussing it with me. He sort of expected me and the children to follow him. Well, to his surprise, we didn’t.
I have a career to build as well and I also need to be comfortable with the move. At this stage I am not comfortable. We have just bought a new house as well, but I can see that he does not like the fact that we live in a beautiful house whilst he is staying in a rented flat in Ghana.
He told me he is coming back to fetch his things which include furniture. Most of the furniture that we have is his furniture, so this means that we will be left with nothing. He earns 4 times more than my salary and can easily afford to buy us some furniture cash. He was not willing to do so. He gave me signing powers on his account before he left for Ghana. So last weekend I went ahead and bought the furniture without his permission. I later faxed him all the receipts. That was really not right of me to do so, but I knew he wasn’t going to budge anyway.
He does not want us to have a joint account, because he gets paid more and he also does not want anyone telling him what to do with his hard earned money. He has since canceled the card that he gave me and I have no access to his accounts at all. I am struggling psychologically and mentally with the running of the household on my own, with raising the children on my own, looking for a new school for them and so on. I am not getting support from him in that respect and it has been tough. He could compensate me at least by making sure that we (me and the children) are financially comfortable. For the money that he is earning, he should be supporting us more financially. My dearest husband always puts himself first, the rest can follow.
He has called me a gold digger and a crook previously. Whenever I buy something with his money, it’s never for my personal use. It’s always a piece of furniture or I use it for the children. He does not want me to have his money. He buys fancy clothes and flashy cars for himself, but will not do the same for me even though he can afford it.
How can I make him understand that the fact that I am married to him means I am married to his money too? He knows that I am a wife when it’s bedtime and when he wants sex. I must act like a wife. But when it comes to his money, it is his and he works hard for it. I cannot continue like that. How can I make him understand that I am not just a wife to sleep with, but I want to feel appreciated and loved socially, mentally and financially? At this point in time I even wonder if he will pay for the bond. I would love to go for counseling with him, but he is not around for us to do so.
For some reason, I am not angry with him. I actually feel calm about the situation. I don’t see the situation improving any time soon. I am not going to be able to follow him to Ghana anymore. And Ghana is his home country, so I do not see him coming back to South Africa. I can see that he will not take care of me especially financially. If for him, one mistake you are out, how much more in a strange country?
I don’t know if I still love him as a husband. Maybe I am also afraid of what will happen to me and the children if we divorce. He is also not a faithful person and he used to have a string of girlfriends in the past. He is impotent nowadays and I think that is the only reason why he is not having an affair. He calls in odd hours of the night just to see if I am at home or if I will answer my phone. He has also become so insecure that for him, every move I make has something to do with the fact that I am seeing someone else. He has called me a prostitute, a whore, a hypocrite, what else am I forgetting?
Then later I must forget he said it and he wants to make love to me. O, that just drives me off the wall. How can one truly make love to someone that calls you names and torments you with hurtful messages everyday? My dear Christians, I know I am a sinner too. But how long can I take this? How do I save my marriage alone? And is it worth saving? He is not planning to come back here and I certainly am not going to Ghana either. What type of marriage will this be? So far apart in every way? What is marriage really?
(SA) Hi, this husband of yours behaves exactly the same as my ex-husband. We got married in May 2009 and I decided to end the whole thing towards the end of September beginning October.
I also suffered from being called names like stupid idiot, fool, gold digger etc. Financial support and commitment from him is all we were fighting for. I had to make a choice, whether I stay in this relationship or I leave. I left this Ghananian man and I’m doing just fine on my own. My dear, there is life after this guy, focus on your own happiness and kids.
(USA) Nono, I agree he was in the wrong for name calling, yet I feel a divorce is very poor advice. I say, hang on and pray!
(AUSTRALIA) There is a saying – go and pray, but first make sure you have bolted your horses. Prayer alone doesn’t accomplish everything. Jesus prayed, but He also went about healing the sick, and He went to the Cross. He could have just stayed in heaven and prayed for the problems of mankind.
Nono and Pamela, you can’t do anything about his actions. They are his choices. People aren’t going to change and treat you well just because you badly want them to. Let them do what they do, and you do what you can do. Pray, but don’t be naive. Don’t be surprised that if you pray, God will give you verses to show you how to escape from wicked and unrighteousness people. He is a powerful God.
(AUSTRALIA) Divorce is ‘irresponsible’ and ‘immature’? I hope I’ve somehow read that out of context because Paul D Meier’s statements are overly simplistic and judgmental. Where is the Christian wisdom and understanding?
I myself, have a difficult marriage but I believe it is fixable. There are some marriages however that are nothing short of cruel & unusual punishment and I don’t believe the good Lord condones them or would expect a person to suffer their whole life through them.
Yes, I’m referring to the extreme cases, but when people in these situations are at their lowest point and visit a Christian website for advice it bothers me that they are told it is immature and irresponsible to consider a better life. The good Lord gave us marriage to be a joy and a blessing, not constant grief.
–@Ch from Aust: I enjoyed reading your response.
(SOUTH AFRICA) All I know is that it does not matter what he has done. A wife has to be submissive to her husband and seek God first and the rest shall come to pass. Allow God to work in your life, develop a good relationship. I believe marriage is not a contract that you can terminate anytime but God ordained it, so you were supposed to lay down your pride. He is the head of the family, never challenge him because God installed him to be the head and the provider of the family. Don’t show off what you can afford because it is his responsibility to provide for you, therefore respect your husband.
This will be good also for your children. If it means following him go ahead. Is it about your career or your marriage? As for me, I consider building up a godly marriage and family the best thing to do than to chce money. Silver and gold belongs to him. Why sacrifice your marriage for money?
God can redeem your marriage but you need to allow him to work on you and through you, your husband will be saved. Talk less and pray more.
(ZAMBIA) I agree with Ndumi, we are encouraged to take the first steps to change. We should not ask God why we should be willingly to change first. Lets be submissive to our husbands and in turn all things will fall in place. I believe marriage is permanent and we should all throw away the notion that someone somewhere will treat us better. All marriages have its bad side, God never said we will have it easy, (that’s why he brought in the BIBLE) Women of God, lets us be humble and be prayerful all the time.
I am going through a very bad abusive marriage and I will not lie that divorce was not on my mind. But after being on this site, my life is far much better. I am working on my marriage and I know it won’t be easy but I know my redeemer lives, he will see me through.
(UNITED STATES) Wow, this site and stories have certainly taught me a lot and reinerated what I already believed and want to implement. I too am going thru a very, very unmanaged marriage. My husband committed adultery over the last two years and keeps telling me that this time it is over and then months later I find out he never stopped. At this point there is no new evidence of the affair continuing however, he treats me as if I am just a roommate and does not participate in making our marriage work. It appears I am to go at it alone.
If I were to call it quits he has already informed me that he would accept it and be on board. He claims he is not going to be the one to end it because of our children. This is the one blessing I still have left. However he did say he doesn’t care if we have to live unhappy the rest of our lives. I have been in a state of severe depression, anxiety and panic attacks.
After reading this site I have regained perspective and am ready to set my negativity aside and give this a try. What do I have to lose; its already a mess. Please pray for me and my husband.
(SOUTH AFRICA) After reading this site I have regained perspective and am ready to set my negativity aside and give this a try. What do I have to lose? It’s already a mess. Please pray for me and my husband.