Christian psychiatrist Paul D. Meier says that there are “only 3 choices for any person involved in an unhappy marriage: (1) get a divorce —the greatest cop-out and by far the most immature choice; (2) tough out the marriage without working to improve it —another immature decision but not quite as irresponsible as divorce; and (3) maturely face up to personal hang-ups and choose to build an intimate marriage out of the existing one —the only really mature choice to make.”
In your case, the moment of truth has come, for your partner probably has already ruled out the second option and chosen the first without even considering the third. The question is, “What will you do?” Surrender to the pressures of the world’s way of thinking and the emotions of the moment? Or make a choice based on confidence in the eternal truths of Scripture?
The stakes are higher than one may realize at the time. One choice clearly leads to the bitterness and defeat of divorce as well as lost opportunities for blessing. “Divorce is more painful than death,” a woman told me, “because it’s never really over.”
Dr Meier says that when couples run away from their problems by divorcing and remarrying, “then there are four miserable people instead of just two…. Why spread misery?” he asks. “Bad marriages are contagious! Numerous psychiatric marriage relationships get divorced —no matter how good their intentions may be —they nearly always remarry into the very same type of neurotic relationship they had before.”
When you choose the pathway of irrevocable commitment to your mate and your marriage — regardless of how troubled your relationship may seem— you will find that choice leading you into a place of agape love and peace and personal growth. These are just some of the rewards, for the chances are very good that you will also be able to enjoy the blessings that God has wanted to bestow on your marriage from the beginning.
I am not suggesting that the healing of a marriage is an easy process when one partner resists it. But are any easy choices open to you, after all? Torn relationships involve pain, whatever you do about them. As Peter points out in his first letter, it is far better to suffer (if suffer you must) for doing right, than for doing wrong. He makes it clear that God’s favor and blessing shine on the one who patiently suffers, if necessary, in order to do His will. Meeting your marriage problems in a biblical manner is productive rather than pointless, and whatever hurts your encounter will be less damaging than the long-term effects of divorce would be.
“The very word divorce should be cut out of the vocabulary of a couple when they marry,” a woman with a restored marriage said, “because God’s way is so much better for anyone who is willing to give it a try.”
Another woman, considering the turbulent events of the past year that had driven her to grow emotionally and spiritually while she “loved her husband back” to their marriage, said, “It’s been all gain for me. I’m a different person now. The process was humbling, but it was worth it!”
A man said, “During the time when I was trying to win my wife’s love and hold our family together, sometimes I got so tired of rejection that I didn’t feel anything except a determination to do what the Bible said and leave the results with God. The only thing I was sure of was that somehow God would work it out for my good because He promised that in His Word. I never imagined the love affair He has actually given us. He really does do more than we can ask or think!”
While these comments from the far side of the problem are encouraging, I understand that the feelings you may be experiencing right now within the problem are less than pleasant. Many others have been where you are now and can empathize with what you are going through: shock, hurt, rejection, emotional confusion, temptation to bitterness, and of course, pressures from all sides that sometimes make you want to give up.
My heartfelt goal is to help you clarify your thoughts, stabilize your emotions, and learn to behave in a consistent, purposeful way that will save your marriage and bring a new dimension of love into your relationship.
So, if you are willing to make a commitment to your marriage based on the eternal principles and promises of the Word of God, you can take heart and let hope grow in promises of the Word of God, you can take heart and let hope grow in proportion to your commitment. Contrary to what the world believes, one person can save a marriage. In fact, most of the people I counsel belong in this category. Even when both come to see me, one is usually dragging the other along, in a manner of speaking, and only one really cares about the outcome in most cases.
Marriage counselor Anne Kristin Carroll says, “If you think there’s no hope because you are the only one in your relationship who wants or cares enough to try to save your marriage, you are wrong!” She adds, “In my experience most torn marriages are brought to new life, new vitality by the interest, basically, of only one party.” This has been my experience as well. I have seen numerous marriages saved when only one partner applied biblical principles in a whole hearted commitment to the mate and the marriage.
Some have not been saved. Usually this is because the individual is convinced that nothing will change the partner —that the longstanding problem of alcoholism or financial irresponsibility or whatever cannot be solved, and he or she simply gives up.
Occasionally, the partner desiring a divorce has developed such a strong emotional attachment to another person that it is not broken off in time to save the marriage. Often, however, this infatuation ends while the divorce is being delayed and the unfaithful partner thanks the committed mate for standing fast and preserving the marriage.
In a relatively few cases, one partner pressured by family and “loyal” friends, develops a deep bitterness toward the other and is actually encouraged in this hostility by parents and even, sometimes, church members so that efforts at reconciliation may be unavailing.
But in the great majority of cases, the outcome depends squarely on the committed partner’s ability to behave consistently in accord with biblical principles designed by the Author of marriage. So, in a very literal sense, it is all up to you. You need not expect your partner to do anything constructive about the marriage if he or she wants out.
Clarifying Your Thoughts
When the Bible says, “Gird up the loins of your mind” (1 Peter 1:13), it means to get your mental powers in a state of alertness for proper action. You must do this without delay. Often the Lord will provide the opportunity for some quiet, uninterrupted Bible study and prayerful consideration of God’s plan for your situation. You may also learn some important things about yourself during this time.
When one husband moved out, his parents lovingly helped the wife by keeping the children several weeks while she prepared mentally and spiritually for the challenges ahead.
One young wife was ready to dissolve her marriage until a friend in her garden club led her to the Lord. “I only knew two Scriptures at the beginning,” the wife said, “but they were exactly what I needed: ‘God is not a man, that he should lie’ (Numbers 23:19) and ‘With God nothing shall be impossible’ (Luke 1:37).
“With those truths as a foundation I began to study the Bible, desperately trying to dig out God’s purpose for marriage and all that He had to say about it. I found out for myself that if I were to obey Him, then I would have to become committed to my marriage and my husband, even though he was involved with another woman and we were on the verge of divorce.
“Coming to this decision didn’t make things any easier emotionally at first, but it did show me a clear path of action, and the situation actually became less complicated because there was no more confusion about what to do! I refused to sign the divorce papers. I had gathered evidence identifying the other woman and proving my husband’s unfaithfulness. I destroyed it all. I didn’t need it anymore.”
A University of Chicago professor described this generation’s dilemma with the now familiar quotation: “We lack the language to teach what is right and wrong.” But the Bible-believing Christian caught in an emotionally fraught situation does not have that problem. The language of God concerning divorce is plain enough for any reader. For example:
For the Lord, the God of Israel says: I hate divorce and marital separation, and him who covers his garment [his wife] with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit [that it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate] (Malachi 2:16 AMPLIFIED).
He replied, ‘Have you never read that He Who made them from the beginning made them male and female’. And said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be united firmly (joined inseparably) to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder’ (separate) (Matthew 19:4-6 AMPLIFIED).
As you try to gain clarity of thought concerning your marital situation viewed in light of the teaching of Scripture, I suggest that you read the first five chapters of the book, Love Life for Every Married Couple and search the Scriptures that have to do with marriage. Let me remind you once more of the eternal principle that undergirds the biblical counsel we offer: It is God’s will in every marriage for the couple to love each other with an absorbing spiritual, emotional, and physical attraction that continues to grow throughout their lifetime together.
It should be crystal clear that God intends for you and your mate to picture the love-bond of Christ and His church and that you must beware of substitutes who sometimes find their way into the vacuum of a troubled relationship. Obviously, infidelity and divorce are paths that move away from God’s plan and blessing. But when you pour yourself into restoring love to your marriage, you can be sure that the force of His will is at work with you in the process.
It is important to fill your mind with positive biblical input: biblical counseling, preaching, and teaching; good books and Bible-study tapes; and friends who will affirm you in your commitment to your marriage. You need to take in truth from those who are as committed to the permanence of marriage as the Bible is. And don’t listen to anyone else! Develop tunnel vision in this area as Proverbs 4:25-27 commands:
Let your eyes look directly ahead, and let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you. Watch the path of your feet, and all your ways will be established. Do not turn to the right nor to the left; turn your foot from evil (NASB).
You need to maintain this total mental commitment to the truth or you will be swamped by waves of human opinion and bad advice, sometimes from seemingly religious people.
One young man came to me, confused because he had been told to do nothing to win back his wife. He had been told to concentrate on his vertical relationship with God. I said to him, “This is true, but you can please God only when you are doing what the Bible says you are to do. You must be right in line with God’s Word. We have no other direction for this life. When we are in total accord with the Word, then we can relax and God has the freedom to work with us. He always works with us on the basis of the information that we have from His Word. So the more you know of the Word of God concerning marriage and love and His abhorrence of divorce, the more equipped you will be to let God do His full work and have His full way in your life.”
“I had to take a stand on this matter of outside influence,” a wife told me. “Everyone has been anxious to give me advice about my marriage. I refuse to discuss it with people who hold an unbiblical viewpoint, or people who try to turn me against my husband, or people who make me feel sorry for myself and encourage weakness in me. I can’t afford to be around worldly friends anymore. They tear me down; they tear my husband down. They may mean well, but they are so misguided. I want to be with people who will stand with me and support me when I might falter.”
When your mind is settled, your thoughts clarified, and your commitment made, you will find that you no longer lie at the mercy of outside events, reacting to every new circumstance with fresh pain and bewilderment. Instead, your viewpoint becomes, “This is what I am going to do, no matter what, because it is God’s way to do it. I can count on His wisdom, and I can trust Him with the results of a course of action based on His Word.”
“I’m not standing by my marriage anymore on the basis of what the outcome will be,” one woman told me. “People urge me to dump my husband, give up on him because he’s made my life miserable; they tell me I deserve someone better, that I wouldn’t have any trouble finding someone else to love me.
My answer is that marriage is sacred; marriage is permanent; I am committed by my marriage vows; I am one flesh with my husband; and then I really shock them! I tell them that even if there is no happy ending for our marriage, I will not regret the stand I have taken. I will know that I made the right decision and followed the only course possible for me. I will have done all that I could.
“But my trust is not in what I am dong,” she added. “It is in God and His Word. He has a perfect, loving plan for my life, and He’s wise enough and powerful enough to carry it out, if I cooperate by following His counsel. So I’m going to keep on obeying Him in my marriage and I’ll leave the results with Him. I am at peace with that.”
[Marriage Missions editors' note: The authors, Dr Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perkins go on from this point to include a lot more valuable advice. For many different reasons, including honoring their copyright privileges, we need to shorten this article. Plus we think you need to obtain the book yourself because of the additional advice you'll benefit from reading. But we do want to end this article with some practical advice that was given at the end of this chapter hoping it will spur you on to start this journey towards saving your marriage, even if you have to try to do it alone.]
A happy wife wrote me a note of thanks for my counsel which gave her the courage to stick with her marriage. She said, “One little thing you said to me meant so much. You said, ‘So what if your husband doesn’t tell you he loves you right now!” I knew you were right. I really wasn’t that important.“ This wife found that putting up with a little rejection was worth it in the long run in order to have a revitalized marriage.
I have talked with many women who tell me that when they do not feel their husband’s love, the Lord has a way of loving them that is almost tangible. “Like being in the sunshine, just feeling the warmth of His love,” several wives agreed.
A lovely young wife carried that a step further in her own trying situation. She said that it was often difficult dressing to go out for the evening with her husband because she knew in advance that he would not treat her the way she longed to be treated. So she developed the habit of thinking of the Lord Jesus as her friend and escort of the evening. “It helped me tremendously,“ she said. “I looked my best for Him, I behaved my best for Him, and I was constantly aware of His steadying presence with me!”
In summary, you need to give love to your mate biblically, emotionally, and physically whether you receive a response or not. This is altogether possible through agape love. One wife, whose husband was involved with another woman, said, “I tried to show him that my love for him did not depend on how he treated me. I still showed him physical affection. I said to him sometimes, ‘I love you, no matter what you are doing right now, and I believe the Lord means for us to be together.’ I sent him little cards with appropriate messages that messages that expressed my caring while we were apart. And, do you know, when we reconciled, I found that he had saved every one of them!”
I asked some wives who had been through the experience to give me their list of do’s and don’ts for any woman trying to save her marriage. Here are the excellent suggestions they compiled:
• There can be no growth in your relationship as long as there is doubt as to your commitment to your marriage. Make your commitment!
• When your husband withholds his love, trust the Lord to meet your emotional needs. He won’t let you down!
• Give your husband honor, love, and biblical respect even though his actions do not deserve it. Give him warm acceptance no matter what. The more hopeless your situation is, the more your loving behavior is apt to be accepted as genuine.
• Don’t try to reform your husband. Just love him.
• Live one day at a time.
• Don’t try to do it on your own. The Lord is with you!
• Don’t be bitter against anyone in the situation. Never turn your children against their father. Forgive!
• Don’t ask family or friends to take sides against your husband.
• Don’t discuss your intimate marriage problems. Don’t give fuel to gossip. Confide in the Lord, your counselor, and perhaps a close Christian friend whom you can trust to keep silence.
• Choose your biblical counselor wisely. Never discuss your problems with a friend of the opposite sex.
• Spend as much time in the Word of God as possible.
• Concentrate on yourself, redeeming the mistakes you made, and asking God to show you how to change, rather than concentrating on your partner’s failures.
• Do not separate. Encourage your husband to stay in the home, no matter what.
• Do not give your husband a divorce. Do all in your power to delay or prevent it. If you must consult a lawyer, make it clear to the lawyer that it is only for your financial protection and that of your children. Find a Christian lawyer who will help you preserve your marriage.
• Spend your time with people who will encourage you in spiritual growth.
• Do not overcompensate with your children. They need your love and stability while their father is gone, but they still need discipline. It will be hard to build a new love relationship with your husband when he does come home if the children are out of control.
• Do not try to defend yourself from gossip or criticism. Keep your mouth shut. The Lord will fight for you and you will hold your peace.
• Remember that the most innocent thing you say will get twisted. Avoid loose talk and do not listen to tale-bearing.
• When you do anything (large or small) to pull the marriage apart, you are going against God’s will. Let that be your guideline for all decisions.
• Don’t expect your husband to change overnight when he does come back home.
• The hardest time may be when you are reconciled and you have a tendency to fall back into old habit patterns. Don’t do it!
• Hope all things, believe all things, and endure all things.
The above article goes on to give more helpful information including a first person narrative expository of the love story of Hosea, from the Bible. This article comes from the book Love Life for Every Married Couple, by Dr Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perkins, published by Zondervan Publishing House, www.zondervan.com.
This book details the process of rediscovering the joy of marriage through practical counsel involving communication and an understanding of each other in our sexual make-up. In Love Life for Every Married Couple, Physician Ed Wheat will help you improve your marriage through sharing, touching, appreciating and focusing healing attention on your mate. Answering physical, psychological and stress-related questions in a Christian context, Dr. Wheat demonstrates how to bring your feelings of love back to life.
They also have a shorter version of this book which is a mass market paperback titled, How to Save Your Marriage Alone, by the same authors. You won’t get all of the information that the other book gives on sexual issues among other topics. This book just concentrates on the above subject.
If you can’t find the book at a distributor near you, you can order the book directly from the publisher at www.zondervan.com. If you live outside of the U.S. you can go to their web site and on their Home Page go into the section titled, “Information Desk.” Click on “International Distributors” for a list of distributors in your area.
EMAIL | SHARE | PRINT
Print This Page (printer-friendly)
and do your online shopping. 
(CANADA) Hi all, I just want to comment on this first. I have read this book HOW TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE ALONE and it’s a great book. It gave me a lot of hope. I’m trying through prayer to save my marriage with a man who’s really withdrawn. I’m learning how to love my husband when it’s the hardest to do so. I need to practice a lot of these things, and for sure writing him little notes is a way to start. Thanks a lot for this message. It’s very insightful, especially when one is going through a storm. May God bless you all.
(IRELAND) I came across this web site when a friend recommended that I should check on line for the power of a praying woman. I have been blessed. It is encouraging that I am not alone as per marriage struggle. Alcohol, smoking, and another woman has always been a problem.
At times I am so weak and confused that I don’t have strength to carry on but I am still determined to try some of the advice offered. Please pray for me.
(USA) My husband has already seen an attorney and has filed for divorce. I deeply love him and believe he loves me, yet he can not forgive me for "controlling" him due to an unrealistic phobia I had about his relationship with his ex-wife.
It seems there is NO ONE (Christian or non-Christian) who is encouraging him to remain married and honor his vows. We have both been married before, and some even seem to suggest he should return to his ex-wife. PLEASE join me in praying for my marriage – I’ll keep you updated!
(USA) SHELIA USA, I know what you feel, no one is telling my husband either. We have been separated for 2 months now, and it’s very hard. I want to call him all the time. I even what to have him come over. I kicked him out because he was cheating. He would never tell me the truth in my face, and he knows I hate a liar. All I can say is, hold on to God’s unchanging hand. He will make a way. My husband filed for a divorce. It broke my heart and my spirit. I was really crushed until I called this pastor and she prayed and said that this is the time for me to get in to God. She said everything will be ok. God has been working on me very much. I have given my husband and the divorce over to God totally. All I do is pray for him and our marriage.
(USA) I find this all so uplifting. I am just about to start a season of prayer for my marriage. It is so bad and I know I am the victim but I know I need to fight for my marriage. I believe God brought us together for a reason. Divorce is so final and painful for all involved, especially children. I feel it would be such a waste!!
(USA) My husband and I hardly talk sometimes. The intimate things have almost but disappeared. He no longer wants me doing wifely things for him. I tried to talk to him recently, let him know I want our life back (he has done everything there is to make me fed up). He wished me "good luck in trying to fix it. I felt hurt. I am angry because I did not bring it to this point on my own but I have started to pray because I love him and we have a child to think about. Thanks for this website because these ideas are going to help me. I will be using the scriptures to help me in my new challenge.
All out there need to hang on…divorce is ugly and is not of the Lord. So pray without ceasing.The Lord said whatever we shall ask in His name will be granted unto us.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband and I have only been married for a year. He was married to someone else for 16 years before we got married and he has children. Lately we just cannot seem to stop fighting and today we had such a bad fight that he told me that he doesn’t know what he wants anymore.
I am beside myself as his eyes said DIVORCE. It was only our 1 year anniversary yesterday and if he feels like this now, how will it be in 10 years if we even reach 10 years?
(RSA) I wish to save and fight for my marriage. I believe I can learn a thing or two.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am so blessed by this website. My husband and I are separated, but I am trusting God for restoration. December last year he told me he doesn’t want to be married anymore, after a year of being married. I then discovered he was having an affair, and had moved in with the other woman. One day he came home with another woman, packed away almost all our furniture and left. I have not seen him since. This happened this year in September.
He has been saying he filed for divorce, however by the grace of God we are still married. I am so blessed by the testimonies I have read and I need you to stand with me, pray with me and encourage me to keep trusting God.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi everyone. It’s unbelievable how many challenges we are facing in our marriages. My husband is working in Ghana. He got this offer sometime last year and did not hesitate to take the offer without discussing it with me. He sort of expected me and the children to follow him. Well, to his surprise, we didn’t.
I have a career to build as well and I also need to be comfortable with the move. At this stage I am not comfortable. We have just bought a new house as well, but I can see that he does not like the fact that we live in a beautiful house whilst he is staying in a rented flat in Ghana.
He told me he is coming back to fetch his things which include furniture. Most of the furniture that we have is his furniture, so this means that we will be left with nothing. He earns 4 times more than my salary and can easily afford to buy us some furniture cash. He was not willing to do so. He gave me signing powers on his account before he left for Ghana. So last weekend I went ahead and bought the furniture without his permission. I later faxed him all the receipts. That was really not right of me to do so, but I knew he wasn’t going to budge anyway.
He does not want us to have a joint account, because he gets paid more and he also does not want anyone telling him what to do with his hard earned money. He has since canceled the card that he gave me and I have no access to his accounts at all. I am struggling psychologically and mentally with the running of the household on my own, with raising the children on my own, looking for a new school for them and so on. I am not getting support from him in that respect and it has been tough. He could compensate me at least by making sure that we (me and the children) are financially comfortable. For the money that he is earning, he should be supporting us more financially. My dearest husband always puts himself first, the rest can follow.
He has called me a gold digger and a crook previously. Whenever I buy something with his money, it’s never for my personal use. It’s always a piece of furniture or I use it for the children. He does not want me to have his money. He buys fancy clothes and flashy cars for himself, but will not do the same for me even though he can afford it.
How can I make him understand that the fact that I am married to him means I am married to his money too? He knows that I am a wife when it’s bedtime and when he wants sex. I must act like a wife. But when it comes to his money, it is his and he works hard for it. I cannot continue like that. How can I make him understand that I am not just a wife to sleep with, but I want to feel appreciated and loved socially, mentally and financially? At this point in time I even wonder if he will pay for the bond. I would love to go for counseling with him, but he is not around for us to do so.
For some reason, I am not angry with him. I actually feel calm about the situation. I don’t see the situation improving any time soon. I am not going to be able to follow him to Ghana anymore. And Ghana is his home country, so I do not see him coming back to South Africa. I can see that he will not take care of me especially financially. If for him, one mistake you are out, how much more in a strange country?
I don’t know if I still love him as a husband. Maybe I am also afraid of what will happen to me and the children if we divorce. He is also not a faithful person and he used to have a string of girlfriends in the past. He is impotent nowadays and I think that is the only reason why he is not having an affair. He calls in odd hours of the night just to see if I am at home or if I will answer my phone. He has also become so insecure that for him, every move I make has something to do with the fact that I am seeing someone else. He has called me a prostitute, a whore, a hypocrite, what else am I forgetting?
Then later I must forget he said it and he wants to make love to me. O, that just drives me off the wall. How can one truly make love to someone that calls you names and torments you with hurtful messages everyday? My dear Christians, I know I am a sinner too. But how long can I take this? How do I save my marriage alone? And is it worth saving? He is not planning to come back here and I certainly am not going to Ghana either. What type of marriage will this be? So far apart in every way? What is marriage really?
(ZIMBABWE) Thank you very much for the encouraging information and biblical principles. I am a young wife who is stuck with a husband who cheats and I had reached a point where I thought I could not take it anymore. In this day and age where HIV and AIDS is prevalent, it is very difficult to stay in a marriage where the other partner is not faithful. But thanks for your message, I realize that there is still hope for me if I focus on God in solving my marital problems and saving my marriage. Please pray for me, I need the strength to go on.
(KENYA) Hi everyone, I must say this article is what I needed to help me keep my resolve to save my marriage. I like the way it says marriage is final, there is no pulling out. Now I see things in a different light.
I recently found out that my husband almost cheated on me with a workmate, they stopped at the nick of time but the effects are long lasting. I find it hard to trust him because I keep asking myself what if they hadn’t stopped? Now I know my focus must change, I leave everything to God and I must forgive just as the Lord forgives me. Since he is apologetic and wants a second chance that’s what I’m going to give him and our marriage.
Continue to pray with me and us as we embark on this new journey to rediscover our love. I’m going to work real hard but I need the grace of God. God bless.
(USA) This site is a blessing indeed. My husband walked out on me 2 months ago. At first I was angry, bitter, hurt, embarrassed, and disappointed. You name it and I felt it. I refused to see him for the first month of our separation.
God has been working on my hardened heart and I have been convicted in my spirit. I realize that I wasn’t a perfect wife and that I could have done a lot of things differently when we were together. I’ve been trying to reach out to him and evidently his heart has also hardened. He actually told me that he no longer loves me. What can I do now? I am praying without ceasing. Do I just let it go?
(USA) Hi, I too am standing and praying for my marriage. I pray that God surrounds my husband with a hedge of thorns during our martial trials. I believe God and only God can intervene in this mess.
I pray that He uplifts my husband and shows him mercy, love, understanding, grace, peace and forgiveness. I pray that my husband is surrounded by strong Christian people who can help direct him to God. I pray that during this time I become more of the Spirit- filled woman God desires me to be and no longer the flesh woman of the past.
I thank God for all the daily blessings he bestows in my life and the patience He gives me to wait in His time. I have given my circumstances over to God and He will direct me; help me to stay strong and love my husband unconditionally.
Thank you Jesus for the day when my marriage will be completely renewed and brought to a level that was unimaginable a few months ago. Praise your Holy name Lord, Jesus. Amen! Amen!
(USA VIRGINIA) I have been praying every day to save my marriage of 27 years and I do feel at times I am the only one working at it. It has been a wonderful 25 years and even the past 2 have had some high points but the last 6 months have been bad. We rarely even speak to each other. Now she has moved out and has been gone for 1 month. I never knew how much I loved her till she left. I pray for her and my sons even though one is 26 and the other is 18. Please Lord, I place this in your hands.
(USA) Love’s light is going out all across the world. We have to keep our flame lit, however small. Our children are watching and learning if love really exists. I pray God helps us all to hold fast to Him and that He fills our hearts with all the love we need to love those who desperately need it, including our unloving spouses.
(USA) My husband walked out on me right at a year ago and I refuse to give up. He even filed for divorce but has not pushed the divorce through. I believe that is a sign from God. We have had some tragedies in our life, my son, his step son committed suicide in our basement almost 3 yrs ago, and now I have been diagnosed with a chronic illness.
I am not giving up on us. I love this man with all my heart. We have been married for 9 years and together for 13, not counting the year we’ve been separated. I pray all the time that we can put our differences aside and work things out. I know he still loves me even though he will never admit it but I can tell.
I will fight the divorce tooth and nail. We have only gone to court once to modify the temporary order in Jan but that hasn’t even been filed. He has agreed to go with me 10 hours from home so that I can see a specialist in pancreatic disorders. We will have 4 days alone and I pray that it will rekindle some romance that has been missing b/c I was so depressed after my son died and then I got sick.
I don’t even know why he left other than he said he felt lonely. Please pray for us. We are best friends. It is so hard to see a man that I am deeply in love with every other day when he picks our kids up for the evening, or to not be able to tell him I love him after talking to him on the phone. We did not have a bad marriage and told each other we loved each other right until the day he moved out. I guess I should still tell him I love him but I am afraid I will freak him out and make matters worse.
I will take any advice anyone has to give and I am not going to give up on us. I do think his sisters are "egging" him on but hopefully he can stop listening to them and listen to his heart. Please pray for us. Stacey
(USA) I am very desperate because my wife of 13 years recently told me that she never loved me. We have two kids and I’m a true believer of holy matrimony and of the promise I made God on my wedding day.
I was driving yesterday, crying and asking God, Why this is happening to me? and desperately asked directly for an answer or a sign. I JUST FOUND THIS WEBSITE! Of course I’m very hurt with my wife, but I’m going to fight for my marriage because it is in God’s plan. Please keep me in your prayers.
(UNITED STATES) Stacey, I feel your pain through your words. My husband just last week told me that I never told him I loved him in a years time… I just could not believe that. Yes, we had a year of turmoil in 08. Everything was changing, my job, our church membership, he was moving up to another rank as an associate minister, but on the upside, we were buying furniture for our new home (1st home that we lost in Jan 09 to foreclosure -he stopped paying the mortgage).
And we were finally starting to see financial relief… to hear him say I never said I loved him, hurt. How in the world would this man think that I didn’t love him? I know I said I loved him… then I thought did I? I cooked, cleaned, scratched his back, loved waiting on him hand and foot when he got in from work… but he said I never said it. Tell your husband you love him. How could it do anymore damage? He said that he was lonely… tell him you will always be there for him. That that still stands… doesn’t it? Maybe he needs to hear that from you.
I showed my husband I loved him… and without even thinking… I didn’t say it… for a year? I still can’t think that is true but when someone is hurt from someone they love, those times I did say I love you, were not enough for the days/times I didn’t say it because that is what stuck out in his mind the most. Tell him you love him…
(IRAQ) I am a US Soldier on my second tour in Iraq now. I have been forced to be away from my family for almost 22 months since August of 2006. It feels incredibly lonely at times to try so hard to make a marriage work from half a world away, to hear your wife tell you she doesn’t love you anymore.
I am thankful for this website and the support and strength I draw from it. I am sad and lonely, but far from finished working for my marriage through God. Please, include me in your prayers if you have a moment. Be safe all.
(USA) Hi Sam. First, Cindy and I want you to know how grateful we are for your service and the sacrifice you have been willing to make for our country on our behalf. And we want you to know we will be standing with you in prayer for your marriage. I hope you have access to good chaplains who can help you process all of the grief and pain you are experiencing right now.
We will also be praying for God to send someone into your wife’s life who can help her to realize what “love” really means. It’s not about feelings or happiness; it’s standing firm on the promises (vows) you made even when your spouse is “half a world away” for 22 months.
Our hearts are breaking for you and your wife. Please encourage her to come to our web site to read and then to “vent” her feelings and emotions. She has to have been experiencing a lot of pain, loneliness, anger and fear because of this extended separation.
We have a great network of BLOGGERS whom she can confide in and feel safe to share her true feelings. We have witnessed great and miraculous things happen in marriages and we KNOW that God wants to perform one in your marriage. And YOU be safe, as well.
(USA) After my husband returned from Iraq our marriage has gone in a not so go direction. My husband wants to get a divorce… while I want to work through our challenges. At this point he wants to blame me for everything wrong. Please pray for us… I am overwhelmed and depressed about this.
(USA) My husband is currently having an affair with another woman for the past 3 months and she is 22 years old. They both are addicted to drugs and now she is supposedly pregnant. He has told me that he no longer loves me and wants to start his life with her. We have been married for 6 years and now tells me he wants a divorce.
We are no longer living together and he does not want to see me or talk to me. I don’t want a divorce I believe that God will take care of our marriage if I trust him to do so. Please pray for me and my marriage. I truly don’t believe they love each other; I think it is more the drugs talking than anything else. He is supposed to be going to a Christian based rehab as soon as they get an opening for him. Please pray that this will wake him up to see that he his making a big mistake and the Lord brings him back home where he belongs.
(USA) Hi. My wife is having an affair with someone who she works with. She had an affair late last year, and after she admitted it to me, we worked on things and life was pretty good. Now, she is back with the affair. She doesn’t want to end it. We still live together and sleep in the same bed. I want to act before she leaves our home.
I want to speak to a coach or counselor, such as Anne Kristin Carroll. I’m not even sure if she still offers counseling. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.
(USA) Hi Mark, I’m sorry to hear of the way your wife is treating you and your marriage. This is heart-breaking. It sounds like it would be a good idea for you to talk to a good counselor because you need to make some difficult decisions in the days and weeks ahead, and you seem confused as to what to do.
I don’t know where you could locate Anne Kristin Carroll or if she even takes on counseling patients. But I would recommend that you read through what we have posted in the Marriage Counseling section so you are better prepared to look for the type of counselor that could best help you. Not all counselors are wise in guiding someone through with this type of situation. Some will cause more damage than good. As you read what we have posted, you will better understand what I am trying to explain.
We also have “Links and Recommended Resources” in that section of the web site that could possibly guide you to a good counselor, if you don’t know one you would want to use at this point.
The Extra Marital Affair section as well as the “Surviving Infidelity” section could be helpful as you try to figure out what you should do concerning your marriage. I/we wish you well and pray the Lord helps and guides you in this.
(USA) Dr Harley’s kids at marriagebuilders.com do phone coaching and counseling. So you might be able to get help from them, or they may know a coach or counselor in your local area that uses Marriage Builders techniques.
(USA) Hi, please help me pray for my marriage, and stand for my marriage. We separated a year ago and it is hard because I don’t know what to do. Please pray for my husband Jala.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband is having an affair with a 24 a old women; he is 40. We been married for 21 years in Aug. He started this last year. He did not want to stop so I kicked him out. He now lives on his own but promises to come back home when he is ready. I don’t believe him I think he and Shivani are still see each other and they both are lying to me and playing with my feelings.
This is breaking me apart. I am having a hard time dealing with this. It is 6 months now that he has been away. We have 2 lovely children and it is very upsetting for them. How can I go on? When I question her she tells me that she is still with her boyfriend and she hasn’t seen my husband since last year. But many people saw them together. When I confront them they lie.
(USA) I too am in a bad situation. I asked my husband to leave, not because I did not want to be with him anymore, but because I thought it would wake him up to stop doing the things he was doing, but it had a reverse affect. He has totally walked away from God and is not happy. I really am hurting because I Love Him! I need prayer; we have 4 kids who are hurting and I need strength to get through this. Please pray for me.
(UK) My husband left on Thursday …while I was at work he packed up all of his stuff and left. He has been threatening to do so for the last 8 weeks. He has been packing all week and saying he is just clearing up things. I believed him. He kept dropping it in when we argued, that he was leaving. This made me very upset and we argued more. It was a vicious circle. I got fed up. I told him if he wants to leave that badly then he should stop torturing me.
My mom passed away recently and I am grieving terribly for her. I got a new job after looking for about a year. I am under a lot of stress. The last thing I want to do is deal with this. He works abroad and is due to leave this Tuesday. He has not called or contacted me. He is at a hotel somewhere. I am so hurt by all of this. I don’t know when next I will see him. I love my husband and I have acted terribly because of his lack of communication. I don’t want to lose my marriage. Please help me.
(ZIMBABWE) Hi, Please help me pray. I am a young lady and not yet married. I know this is mainly for married people, but I think I can get spiritual biblical help. I love my boyfriend so much and we are making plans to get married but recently he started seeing someone else (a friend’s wife) and when I asked him, he denied it. He has just become cold and very insensitive. Whenever we are together he gets phone calls and texts from different girls and this is upsetting me. I know you might tell me to just walk away but it’s not that easy. I just want the Lord to help me walk away if I have to.
(USA) I’m married to a passive aggressive man. I have a major 1 axis mental illness called Jealous Delusional Disorder. I’ve been married to him for almost 2 years, we’ve been together for almost 3. My previous (2nd) husband passed away in 2006 from melanoma in his eye, which matasticized into his lungs and liver. My (1st) husband left me after entering into a half way house, after we had just lost our children to the child protective services. I never was able to comply with the 2 year reunification plan as I had a mental illness which was not understood at the time, nor was I medicated for it.
I’ve since gotten on medication (Risperdal) and have come a long way but I think this marriage was a rebound relationship and I’m finding it virtually impossible to live with him. Please look up Passive Aggressive Personality. Also, women who are widowed become insecure because of their husband’s death, but to get involved with a PAP has been so stressful, I’m reaching out for prayer, guidance and help. Thanks.
(USA) Fafa, You have no idea how much your denial of the truth will come up to DEEPLY hurt you in the future. Just look around this web site. You will see over and over again where people had warning signs not to marry the person they decided to marry anyway, and they can’t express enough how much they regret it. Love based on emotions, rather than truth, will eventually disintegrate and then all you are left with is regrets and lost years, where you could have been living a much better life and instead you are totally spent emotionally.
You’re right in thinking that we would encourage you to walk away from a man who has already cheated on you, and lied to you, and shown additional lack of character in not honoring someone else’s marriage promise. It might not be easy, but neither is putting up with adultery year after year, and empty promises, and coldness and insensitivity, and lies, and loneliness when your “partner” is joining up with someone else. And that is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the hurt you will experience.
The Bible tells us to guard our hearts. If we decide to do things otherwise, please don’t expect Him to answer your prayer to “help” you “walk away” if you “have to.” With disobedience comes a huge price. I hope you will consider my words and will run… not walk away from this relationship. It’s the most loving thing I can tell you to do. Fafa, you are in my prayers.
(USA) Hello, I am 26 years old and I am really struggling with my decision to fight for my marriage or to walk away. My husband physically abused me in April and we have been separated for about 3 months. The thing is I still love him. I don’t know if he is seeing someone else but I suspect that he is. I am constantly praying and asking God for guidance. This isn’t the first time that he has gotten physical, and he doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with it. He has apologized but it doesn’t seem sincere.
Now he has turned the tables and said that I am the one that turned my back on him. I want to trust him and give him another chance but I am afraid that he will do this again. I am so lonely, and when he is not doing these things he is actually a good guy. Please pray for me and any advice would be greatly appreciated. Is this what the vows mean when they say ” For better or for worse”? I don’t want to start over but fear he has found someone else and I may have to. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!!! I really need help!
(US) I am trying to get through a difficult time. He has filed for divorce, and is with the other person. I do not want a divorce, because I love him. I believe that if I didn’t love him, I wouldn’t think twice, but the feelings and emotions kicks in, just trying to get through a tough time. I really need prayer!!!
(USA) I am going through the same situation almost, and I also want my husband back. I would ask for all of you who are here or come here to please pray for my husband to come back home. He is missed by all of us. I pray that he is able to still feel the Love of God.
(USA) I am in a darkness… My husband of 13 years (we have been together for 18) left last week. He says he has been depressed and he doesn’t know why. He had the same situation a few years back and had even gotten suicidal due partly to job issues. But he got a new job in the same field so things were better, until now. He says that he thinks getting the new job was just a band aide. He is trying to get counseling but I don’t know how serious he really is about it. He moved out and still comes to the house while I am at work and takes care of the bills but he says when he comes to the house he gets depressed and high anxiety.
I miss him with every core of my being. I believe that when you take those vows it is till death. He, on the other hand, says he doesn’t know if we will get back together or not and it is breaking my heart into pieces. He said he had to leave because he didn’t want to get to the point of suicide again. This I understand, but why can’t I help?
I cry everyday because I miss him so much. I worry also that when he calls I am always saying the wrong thing and pushing him further away. I have been asking him if we could see each other and he says it’s to soon, which I guess is true but I long to see him. Some people tell you to act this way and others say that way. I am just so confused. It’s like when someone gets kidnapped, you don’t know whether they are alive or dead. I am in that situation. I don’t know if he will come back or not.
I want to be there to support him and give him comfort. I am praying everyday that there is a miracle, and that God heals his mind and that he can come back to us. I also pray for strength and patience. Please pray for me and him.
(PHILIPPINES) This article gave me a glimpse of hope. I am really depressed and I don’t know what to do anymore. My husband and I are separated for almost 2 months and last week he went in other place and never disclosed any information. He told me his phones are not activated in that area but he would try to email me but until now I havent received any… I am too worried.
I want to give up and whenever I have thought of that it gives me peace but I love my husband so much and I don’t want to leave our marriage. I feel totally devastated and I started to waver with my faith… my situation seems hopeless. I think my husband is trying to avoid me, that’s why he started to shut all his phones. Even my mother in law is not communicating with me anymore. I don’t know if God still want me to stay in this marriage. I feel God is punishing me and I think should give up now for my marriage, it is too painful. Please pray for me.
(USA) I need everyone’s prayers for my marriage. My father passed away a few weeks ago and this was the time my husband chose to abandon me after 18 years of marriage. I cannot believe he would do this. Please pray for me that God will touch his heart and lead him back to me. I am a mental wreck trying to deal with this. Any advice would be well taken. We are both Christians and I do not understand what happened. He will not accept my calls. I do not know where he is but spoke with a family member that he still loves me, is praying for me and will go to counseling. Help!!
(USA) Dear Pat, I’m so sorry that you are suffering the loss of your father. This in itself is such a difficult thing to go through. My prayers are with you. And then to have your husband compound your grief by abandoning you… I can only imagine the pain and confusion. What a sad time for you. I’m sure many people who come to this web site will be quietly supporting you in prayer.
As far as your husband, all I can think of is that he doesn’t know how to handle feelings very well. Some people will run from a crisis situation when they are faced with having to deal with more than they think they can handle. They erase from their minds what harm that will do to complicate the situation even more, and like a child who doesn’t want to acknowledge something bad, they will close their eyes thinking that when they open them the “bad thing” will have gone away. Of course, we know it won’t, but the kid in some of us imagines it might. It’s kind of like the “head in the sand” situation with ostriches.
I’m not sure if this is what is happening with your husband or not. It might be one more thing that piles upon the other things he has in his mind as far as too much to deal with and he’s running from it and sending you “love” from afar, because that is all he feels he is capable of doing. I’m not sure.
But whatever it is, you obviously have a lot to sort out. I really don’t think his leaving is as much about you as it is about him. I might be wrong, but that’s my perception. I don’t know all of the circumstances surrounding what is going on in your life, other than your dad passing, but your husband has something different happening inside of him to do this. This isn’t the way Christ would handle matters.
I just posted an additional link into the article “I Love You But I’m Not IN LOVE With You Anymore” — which I recommend you read. You can find the article in the “Save My Marriage” section. The link I’d especially like you to explore (contained in that article) is titled “Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear.”
The reason I think this article might help you is because this woman’s husband kind of went off the deep end emotionally and she was able to recognize that it wasn’t a time to panic, but to put her eyes on what was immediately in front of her instead and let him sort his problems out. I don’t know if that is what you are to do or not, but I’d like you to prayerfully consider what she learned through this.
You TRULY need your marriage partner at this time, but for some reason, he is putting himself out of reach. I believe God would tell you to let him sort out his own problems… don’t compound all that you are trying to sort out by trying to run after him and figure his problems out as well, as to why he would abandon you at this time. Look to the Lord and the healing He can and will bring to your heart as you cry out to Him and look to Him for comfort, and peace of mind. He will never abandon you. Allow Him to be the “lifter of your head” and to take on your tears and burdens and minister to your heart.
I encourage you to open the book of Psalms and use it as a guideline to pour out your heart and grief to the Lord. You have a right to feel hurt right now on many levels. But allow the Lord to be your savior and to help you through this time. Prayerfully, He will work in your husband’s heart and mind and eventually your husband will wake up and realize that this is not a time to draw apart from each other but to find ways to come closer together. If he IS a Christian, then pray the Lord will help him as He is helping you on the level your husband needs it.
“Even in darkness light dawns for the upright” (Psalm 112:4a). I pray that for you Pat, that God will enlighten you and help you to reach for His light and that He will minister to your heart and your situation. May God bless you and keep you.
(USA) Hi, I just came back from my first marriage counselor meeting. She is a Christian counselor as well so I thought how lucky am I. I thought it went pretty good. The counselor had me contact my husband through my daughter in law( I have not spoken directly to him in 2 weeks and I knew he would not hang up on her) and he called back to state he will call the counselor as a courtesy but has already filed for divorce and just cannot live with me anymore.
I am in total shock to say the least. I had been gone less than a week to bury my father and now this. I think he has had a mental breakdown. Any advise as to how to cling to this marriage of 18 and 1/2 years?
Please continue the prayers. I will not give up
(S. AFRICA) Yes, I am very much alone in trying to save my marriage. I am confronted with rejection over and over. My husband has signed an overseas working contract and refuses to communicate with me. He is already “engaged” to this other woman even though we are still married. He wants a divorce and has told me I will never hear or see him again. He plans to marry her and immigrate to New Zealand. My heart is broken that after 35 years of marriage this could be happening. My case sounds hopeless doesn’t it? I continue to pray for God’s answers and intervention. I will not give up. I am standing fast for the preservation of our marriage. Please join me in prayer.
(CANADA) My husband walked out on us (me and our 2 young boys), 2 months ago, saying he didn’t know what he wanted anymore. Came back this week and says he wants to sell our family home so he can move on; he’s not interested in coming back. He says: he no longer loves me. We’ve been together for 16 years, married for 7.
I have done a lot of wrongs in our marriage, but started therapy when he left to better myself. Everything and everyone around me tells me to “let go” I just can’t, I love him! Please pray for us… that he sees things can change and make things right again.
(USA) My husband of 5 years (10 years together) told me he is not in love with me anymore. He still loves me as the mother of his children, but his heart is not in our marriage anymore. He has been staying with his sister for 2 weeks now. He comes to visit the kids (ages 2 and 4) every night. I was not the best wife I could have been… I realized that too late. I have been working on my issues and learning how to be a more supportive wife. I am still deeply in love with him… if not more so, now that I know what I stand to lose. He has not filed for divorce. He wants to take some time to think about things and see where he wants to go. He told me no matter what I do he does not see us staying together nor does he see himself falling in love with me again.
My heart is broken, my spirit is broken, but my love has been renewed. I pray daily that the Lord brings him back to me, guides me in my quest to become a better mother and wife, heals our marriage, and brings us closer together. I have started showering him with attention when he is around. I am working to show him my appreciation and respect. These are things he has said were missing in his life.
It is so hard not to lose hope. I feel depressed often and the kids have started commenting on my crying. Is there any way a husband can fall in love with his wife again? So many places I read that once that feeling is gone it is hard to retrieve. I need to have positive thoughts and hope to keep going. The rejection of my kisses hurts. When I tell him I love him he says “I know you do.” He is worried about me and asks how I am doing. He still cares about me, but shows no desire to make this work.
I do not know if I should give up so the pain will stop or if I should try harder and stay steafast. This article has given me more to think about. I have also started “The Love Dare” to try and rekindle his feelings for me. Please pray for us. I do not know what to do with my life without him.
(USA) I was married on 5/30/09 and found out that my husband had been involved in a relationship with another woman before/during and after our wedding day-living a secretive life. He left after 5 weeks of marriage to stay with her for 10 days in another state and didn’t want me to know where he was. When he returned he agreed not communicate with her – within 2 days he was talking to her with a fury.
When I saw evidence that he had betrayed me, I told him to leave one month after he returned from his visit with her. He immediately packed up everything and went to live with her. He’s been there for more than 2 months. I turned to my church and have been attending a marital restore group for support. I initially threatened to serve him but soon realized that I needed to follow God’s word on marriage. He said he wanted to do the right thing according to scripture after the first 3 weeks, but would not/did not take any action to support his agreement that what he was doing was not biblical.
I decided at that point to give him time and not communicate with him – was this the right thing to do? He has not tried to communicate with me for a month, now, but has told our company attorney that she can accept divorce papers on his behalf – the last email I received from him was asking me to file papers. I do not know the address where his is staying, but know he had a long term relationhip with the other woman before he and I met.
I feel very hopeless and cannot focus on anything but this. I still love him and am committed to my marriage. My friends and family keep trying to encourage me to give up on him because he was not committed before he gave his vows. I’ve decided that I will not pursue a disollution of our marriage -but I’m not sure what to do at this point in time – I can’t abandon him.
He says he’s a believer – but he refuses to recognize that he is responsible for his actions and is making no effort to change his current living arrangement – he refers to this other woman as a “good friend”. I continue to pray for forgiveness; mine and God’s, and just recently was able to bring myself to pray for him. I’m thankful that this situation has brought me and continues to bring me much closer to God. I’m kind of stuck right now and am not sure how to organize my thoughts so I can work. I’m always on the verge of crying, which makes it very difficult for me to interact with clients
Please pray for me and my husband and if anyone has any thoughts – please respond.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Thank you so much for this website, I have found so much that I can learn from here. I have struggled in my marriage from day one almost, but I know that God has a plan and on my worst days. He wraps me in His love and I just know that everything is going to be ok